Guest guest Posted April 8, 2007 Report Share Posted April 8, 2007 Hi Kate, You have every reason in the world to be upset about what your step mom did. It was 100% out of line. But if you need her support then you are going to have to try & keep your cool & find a way to let her know that you do not want her to do that ever again. I'm not sure what your apartment search is about....ex: are you looking in the NYC area? Or government housing? Depending on the places you are looking, the fact that you have AS could really help you get an apt or it may work against you. It's good you are getting your feelings out.......keep venting.....venting can help! Keep us updated on how things go. Liz Kate Goldfield <Kgoldfie@...> wrote: i am so mad now i dont think ive ever been this mad i cant type !! my stepmom sent a letter to the manager of the Eastland, where Ive been dying to get an apartment and missed the first time, and they just opened one up which I heard about Friday and it's all I can think about how Im going to walk in there on Monday and ask about it and Ive been hoping it isnt filled but trying not to think about it just the same, and my stepmom sent a letter to the apartment manager saying that I would be asking about it and that I had Asperger's Syndrome. !!!!!!!! Not only that but she sent the woman MY WEBSITE!!! My private writings, my innermost thoughts. I feel betrayed, hurt, stabbed. I dont care if anyone with an interest in AS sees the website; or a friend, or anyone who might somehow stumble upon it on the web (which is unlikely cus its mostly unlinked) but to take someone I dont even know, who I have found extremely unfriendly in the past, and someone who much of my future is depending on should I get this apartment, and show her my website with this essence of who I am on it feels like I have been very rudely and suddenly exposed. It is not fair that she did this. How do I even get a chance to pretend to be normal if she's going to go around telling everyone I have AS before I even get a chance to meet them? It goes without saying that anyone given the chance is going to discriminate against someone with a disability. They wont take the time to understand what the disability is, theyll just figure it means extra work for them, and write me off without ever giving me a chance. I know she didnt mean it this way and was probably trying to increase my chances and not decrease them, but I have been doing ALL THIS WORK looking for apartments, and it's really stressing me out,and I feel like I have been sabotaged and its not even worth doing anymore, way to crush my spirits, if this is all you're going to define me as, if this is all you think I am or ever will be, if you think I need a diagnosis of AS to get me an apartment rather than getting one on my own strengths and personality and functionality and simple ability to show up and ask for it and freaking pay for it. This is something my dad would have done, had he been able to get into the apartment activity, but I never thought my stepmom would. Actually, no. My dad actually ASKED me first before we were going to look at an apartment, if we should mention my getting disability. This was several months ago, but I still remember it, I looked at him horrified and said no way, that's completely irrelevant and has nothing to do with anything. Who would have thought that my dad was the one with the social graces to ask first. My dad is usually the one with no social graces, blunt as can be and saying whatever pops into his head. But even he knew enough to ask first. What was my stepmom thinking? It's one thing to help me look for apartments, it's another thing to take it upon yourself to decide to educate prospective apartment managers about your disability, WHEN IT'S NOT RELEVANT as I am completely independent, and without my permission. Ugh I keep reading the letter she sent and I am upset and repulsed. I dont know why I never have reactions this strong to anything I can usually reason with myself not to get upset but Im having an almost visceral reaction to this. It's 6am and theres no one I can call to talk about it, there's no one online AIM, its Easter to boot, my stepmom wont be up for several more hours , well a couple anyway, and I have to go to bed, but I dont know how Im going to go to bed when Im so upset about this, I hate her, I was the most relaxed Ive been all week before I read this! I actually had a chance of going to bed and being able to fall asleep for once. I feel like I should retaliate somehow. Maybe I shouldnt even consider the Eastland at all for an apartment, that will show her, except it will only be shooting myself in the foot. And now we're going to get into a big fight over this, because Im going to tell her,politely of course, that I am very upset over this and I think it was very wrong of her to do. And shes going to get all haughty and defensive and come up with some reason why she should have and tell me she was only trying to help me and if I dont want her help I should back off. And shes the only person I really have in my life who CAN help me, so I'll be obligated not to get mad at her and to make up and to not even push for an apology becaiuse I dont want to upset her because if i upset her who will i have in my life? and that just really sucks. And makes me even more alone. Im never going to get an apt anyway but I wanted to fail or succeed based on my own merits not what someone said about my disability. I should have the right to decide when to disclose my own freaking disability. It's not her right. This would be like if she was applying for an important prestigious job that she really wanted and I sent a letter to the hiring boss revealing something very private and stigmatized about her. You just dont do this to people! Its not even like Im not proud of my AS, or that I keep it a secret. I am and I dont. Which is why im a little surprised I feel so strongly about this. But in every instance I've EVER disclosed my AS, I've been comfortable with the person. It's 90% of the time to someone else who is AS, or to someone with an interest in AS. Or to a conference full of people who have an interest in AS, what's the difference, they're just strangers. But you don't go about disclosing to soemone like this, ina s ituation like this. This apt manager is even friendly.She was very rude and court when I spoke to her previoiusly, as were the front desk workers one excepted. Theyre not going to be the kind of people who understand something like this! I am so mad! Who thinks that this will hurt my chances at the apartment? ( This is a real questipn) Who thinks you should EVER need to disclose a disability when you're seeking housing if it doesnt affect your daily living capabilities? I'm all about raising awareness and being yourself but there are some situations in which even *I* know you should keep it to yourself!!! Geez. Thoughts? 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Guest guest Posted April 8, 2007 Report Share Posted April 8, 2007 Hi. First, I think the reason you're so upset about this is, as you put it, " ....I'm a little surprised I feel so strongly about this. " ,,,,,,,,, is that getting your own place, with your own $, is a totally mature, independent thing to do. And what your stepmom did was make this attempt not independent. She took this away from you by stepping in as a concerned mom which may or may not help you,,,,,,and made this about a wonderful woman with a disability and made it seem as if you need help doing this on your own. I hope you're right,,,,,,,,she probably did this to help you. I don't think you'll ever know if get it or don't,,,,,,if it was because of her. Sorry. If you get it,,,,,,,,you'll question if you would have without her. If you don't get it, you'll question if it was because she added in a disability to the picture that never should have been added in. I'm very sad for you right now,,,,,,,,,,,but I see no " moving on " from this unless you DO talk about it with her. I think you have every right to expect an apology after to explain why this hurt you. Why this was YOU,,,,as an independent woman doing this ON YOUR OWN. Why,,,,,you'll never know if it was her to either cause you to get it or not get it. If you say nothing, it will always be there. I do want to say that I, as a mom of a 10year old with aspergers, will hope to GOD that I never do this to him. I'm in tears right now,,,,,because I think of all the times he's been excluded from things and I think that if " telling someone " about the real him and letting them know " why " he's this way,,,,,cause he's incredible if you give him a chance,,,,,,, before I read your letter,,,,,,,,,think I would have done the same thing. Thank you for letting me " see " how you feel. Also,,,,,,,my son and I checked out your site Friday night and he loved it. He got really sad when you were writing about friends and not fitting in. But,,,,,,,,,,,I think it was amazing for him to read about someone who has just what he does and that she is successful and wonderful. Take care and have a wonderful Easter. Robin Kate Goldfield <Kgoldfie@...> wrote: i am so mad now i dont think ive ever been this mad i cant type !! my stepmom sent a letter to the manager of the Eastland, where Ive been dying to get an apartment and missed the first time, and they just opened one up which I heard about Friday and it's all I can think about how Im going to walk in there on Monday and ask about it and Ive been hoping it isnt filled but trying not to think about it just the same, and my stepmom sent a letter to the apartment manager saying that I would be asking about it and that I had Asperger's Syndrome. !!!!!!!! Not only that but she sent the woman MY WEBSITE!!! My private writings, my innermost thoughts. I feel betrayed, hurt, stabbed. I dont care if anyone with an interest in AS sees the website; or a friend, or anyone who might somehow stumble upon it on the web (which is unlikely cus its mostly unlinked) but to take someone I dont even know, who I have found extremely unfriendly in the past, and someone who much of my future is depending on should I get this apartment, and show her my website with this essence of who I am on it feels like I have been very rudely and suddenly exposed. It is not fair that she did this. How do I even get a chance to pretend to be normal if she's going to go around telling everyone I have AS before I even get a chance to meet them? It goes without saying that anyone given the chance is going to discriminate against someone with a disability. They wont take the time to understand what the disability is, theyll just figure it means extra work for them, and write me off without ever giving me a chance. I know she didnt mean it this way and was probably trying to increase my chances and not decrease them, but I have been doing ALL THIS WORK looking for apartments, and it's really stressing me out,and I feel like I have been sabotaged and its not even worth doing anymore, way to crush my spirits, if this is all you're going to define me as, if this is all you think I am or ever will be, if you think I need a diagnosis of AS to get me an apartment rather than getting one on my own strengths and personality and functionality and simple ability to show up and ask for it and freaking pay for it. This is something my dad would have done, had he been able to get into the apartment activity, but I never thought my stepmom would. Actually, no. My dad actually ASKED me first before we were going to look at an apartment, if we should mention my getting disability. This was several months ago, but I still remember it, I looked at him horrified and said no way, that's completely irrelevant and has nothing to do with anything. Who would have thought that my dad was the one with the social graces to ask first. My dad is usually the one with no social graces, blunt as can be and saying whatever pops into his head. But even he knew enough to ask first. What was my stepmom thinking? It's one thing to help me look for apartments, it's another thing to take it upon yourself to decide to educate prospective apartment managers about your disability, WHEN IT'S NOT RELEVANT as I am completely independent, and without my permission. Ugh I keep reading the letter she sent and I am upset and repulsed. I dont know why I never have reactions this strong to anything I can usually reason with myself not to get upset but Im having an almost visceral reaction to this. It's 6am and theres no one I can call to talk about it, there's no one online AIM, its Easter to boot, my stepmom wont be up for several more hours , well a couple anyway, and I have to go to bed, but I dont know how Im going to go to bed when Im so upset about this, I hate her, I was the most relaxed Ive been all week before I read this! I actually had a chance of going to bed and being able to fall asleep for once. I feel like I should retaliate somehow. Maybe I shouldnt even consider the Eastland at all for an apartment, that will show her, except it will only be shooting myself in the foot. And now we're going to get into a big fight over this, because Im going to tell her,politely of course, that I am very upset over this and I think it was very wrong of her to do. And shes going to get all haughty and defensive and come up with some reason why she should have and tell me she was only trying to help me and if I dont want her help I should back off. And shes the only person I really have in my life who CAN help me, so I'll be obligated not to get mad at her and to make up and to not even push for an apology becaiuse I dont want to upset her because if i upset her who will i have in my life? and that just really sucks. And makes me even more alone. Im never going to get an apt anyway but I wanted to fail or succeed based on my own merits not what someone said about my disability. I should have the right to decide when to disclose my own freaking disability. It's not her right. This would be like if she was applying for an important prestigious job that she really wanted and I sent a letter to the hiring boss revealing something very private and stigmatized about her. You just dont do this to people! Its not even like Im not proud of my AS, or that I keep it a secret. I am and I dont. Which is why im a little surprised I feel so strongly about this. But in every instance I've EVER disclosed my AS, I've been comfortable with the person. It's 90% of the time to someone else who is AS, or to someone with an interest in AS. Or to a conference full of people who have an interest in AS, what's the difference, they're just strangers. But you don't go about disclosing to soemone like this, ina s ituation like this. This apt manager is even friendly.She was very rude and court when I spoke to her previoiusly, as were the front desk workers one excepted. Theyre not going to be the kind of people who understand something like this! I am so mad! Who thinks that this will hurt my chances at the apartment? ( This is a real questipn) Who thinks you should EVER need to disclose a disability when you're seeking housing if it doesnt affect your daily living capabilities? I'm all about raising awareness and being yourself but there are some situations in which even *I* know you should keep it to yourself!!! Geez. Thoughts? 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Guest guest Posted April 8, 2007 Report Share Posted April 8, 2007 Oh Kate how awful that must be for you! I'm so sorry you're having to deal with all this! Hopefully she was doing it with good intentions and trying to help you but certainly there are better ways to go about it and like you said, I don't see why the Asperger's had to come up at all. I mean, again like you said, why would the prospective landlord even need to know? I just don't get it. >>>Who thinks that this will hurt my chances at the apartment?<<< Personally, I don't know how it would effect your chances one way or the other, it would depend more on how the landlady is, but I do know this, she can't deny you based solely on the fact that you have Asperger's because that would be discrimination and if she says no because of that, then just calmly say, " Ok then, we'll just see what my advocate and attorney have to say about that. " (wether you have either or not) and then wish her a good day and walk away. Give her a day or two to stew it over then give her a call and be overly-sweet and ask if she has changed her mind about letting you have the apartment or if you should " continue with proceedings " . Maybe that will open her eyes. Hopefully though she'll be one of the ones with a more level head and more understanding and it won't come to all that. >>>Who thinks you should EVER need to disclose a disability when you're seeking housing if it doesn't affect your daily living capabilities?<<< I don't see any reason to disclose disabilities. Not because it's something to hide or be ashamed of, but because it's a private matter and no one's business unless *you* choose to tell someone. We're all here for you, and I know it's not quite the same as having someone standing right there with you, but you're never really completely alone. If you ever want to talk, you can e-mail me any time (wyledbunch@...) or add me to MSN (wyledbunch@...) or even (wyledbunch). Week days I usually get online around 9:00am EST and weekends are more scattered, but I have no life (lol) so I'm on a good bit and when I'm not I still at least check messages and e-mails. Good luck my friend, I'll be thinking of you and keeping you in my prayers ~*BIG HUGS*~ -Jenn, AEP (ADD, Bi-Polar, Anxiety/Depression) Proud Momma of Cory Albert (14yrs ADHD), h Dawn (12yrs Anxiety/Depression) and Jerry Lee " Trey " (9yrs ADHD, Bi-Polar, Asperger's) -- ( ) Very unfairly outed i am so mad now i dont think ive ever been this mad i cant type !! my stepmom sent a letter to the manager of the Eastland, where Ive been dying to get an apartment and missed the first time, and they just opened one up which I heard about Friday and it's all I can think about how Im going to walk in there on Monday and ask about it and Ive been hoping it isnt filled but trying not to think about it just the same, and my stepmom sent a letter to the apartment manager saying that I would be asking about it and that I had Asperger's Syndrome. !!!!!!!! Not only that but she sent the woman MY WEBSITE!!! My private writings, my innermost thoughts. I feel betrayed, hurt, stabbed. I dont care if anyone with an interest in AS sees the website; or a friend, or anyone who might somehow stumble upon it on the web (which is unlikely cus its mostly unlinked) but to take someone I dont even know, who I have found extremely unfriendly in the past, and someone who much of my future is depending on should I get this apartment, and show her my website with this essence of who I am on it feels like I have been very rudely and suddenly exposed. It is not fair that she did this. How do I even get a chance to pretend to be normal if she's going to go around telling everyone I have AS before I even get a chance to meet them? It goes without saying that anyone given the chance is going to discriminate against someone with a disability. They wont take the time to understand what the disability is, theyll just figure it means extra work for them, and write me off without ever giving me a chance. I know she didnt mean it this way and was probably trying to increase my chances and not decrease them, but I have been doing ALL THIS WORK looking for apartments, and it's really stressing me out,and I feel like I have been sabotaged and its not even worth doing anymore, way to crush my spirits, if this is all you're going to define me as, if this is all you think I am or ever will be, if you think I need a diagnosis of AS to get me an apartment rather than getting one on my own strengths and personality and functionality and simple ability to show up and ask for it and freaking pay for it. This is something my dad would have done, had he been able to get into the apartment activity, but I never thought my stepmom would. Actually, no. My dad actually ASKED me first before we were going to look at an apartment, if we should mention my getting disability. This was several months ago, but I still remember it, I looked at him horrified and said no way, that's completely irrelevant and has nothing to do with anything. Who would have thought that my dad was the one with the social graces to ask first. My dad is usually the one with no social graces, blunt as can be and saying whatever pops into his head. But even he knew enough to ask first. What was my stepmom thinking? It's one thing to help me look for apartments, it's another thing to take it upon yourself to decide to educate prospective apartment managers about your disability, WHEN IT'S NOT RELEVANT as I am completely independent, and without my permission. Ugh I keep reading the letter she sent and I am upset and repulsed. I dont know why I never have reactions this strong to anything I can usually reason with myself not to get upset but Im having an almost visceral reaction to this. It's 6am and theres no one I can call to talk about it, there's no one online AIM, its Easter to boot, my stepmom wont be up for several more hours , well a couple anyway, and I have to go to bed, but I dont know how Im going to go to bed when Im so upset about this, I hate her, I was the most relaxed Ive been all week before I read this! I actually had a chance of going to bed and being able to fall asleep for once. I feel like I should retaliate somehow. Maybe I shouldnt even consider the Eastland at all for an apartment, that will show her, except it will only be shooting myself in the foot. And now we're going to get into a big fight over this, because Im going to tell her,politely of course, that I am very upset over this and I think it was very wrong of her to do. And shes going to get all haughty and defensive and come up with some reason why she should have and tell me she was only trying to help me and if I dont want her help I should back off. And shes the only person I really have in my life who CAN help me, so I'll be obligated not to get mad at her and to make up and to not even push for an apology becaiuse I dont want to upset her because if i upset her who will i have in my life? and that just really sucks. And makes me even more alone. Im never going to get an apt anyway but I wanted to fail or succeed based on my own merits not what someone said about my disability. I should have the right to decide when to disclose my own freaking disability. It's not her right. This would be like if she was applying for an important prestigious job that she really wanted and I sent a letter to the hiring boss revealing something very private and stigmatized about her. You just dont do this to people! Its not even like Im not proud of my AS, or that I keep it a secret. I am and I dont. Which is why im a little surprised I feel so strongly about this. But in every instance I've EVER disclosed my AS, I've been comfortable with the person. It's 90% of the time to someone else who is AS, or to someone with an interest in AS. Or to a conference full of people who have an interest in AS, what's the difference, they're just strangers. But you don't go about disclosing to soemone like this, ina s ituation like this. This apt manager is even friendly.She was very rude and court when I spoke to her previoiusly, as were the front desk workers one excepted. Theyre not going to be the kind of people who understand something like this! I am so mad! Who thinks that this will hurt my chances at the apartment? ( This is a real questipn) Who thinks you should EVER need to disclose a disability when you're seeking housing if it doesnt affect your daily living capabilities? I'm all about raising awareness and being yourself but there are some situations in which even *I* know you should keep it to yourself!!! Geez. Thoughts? Thanks Kate Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted April 8, 2007 Report Share Posted April 8, 2007 Kate, for what it's worth, I am so sorry that this has happened. I know we all are. I agree, that if it doesn't affect your activities of daily living, that it isn't anyone's business unless you choose to share it with them yourself. It isn't anything to be ashamed of, but some people are ignorant and will use it as an excuse to scrutinize or discriminate against people. Especially since the media has unfairly and ignorantly portrayed AS as something negative lately. I personally do not know any person with AS who is violent or not independant. The people I know of with AS are the most wonderful, creative, loyal and independant people I know of. You should be proud of yourself for all that you are accomplishing, being able to afford an apartment, helping others to understand AS, finding an outlet for your thoughts and feelings. You are a very brave person. You deserve all the respect in the world. If this apartment doesn't work out, just keep trying. Explain to your step mom that you want to get an apartment on your own merits, not based on a diagnosis, and would appreciate her understanding and respecting your feelings. HANG IN THERE!! YOU ARE GOING TO MAKE IT!! Best of wishes!! Tami ( ) Very unfairly outed i am so mad now i dont think ive ever been this mad i cant type !! my stepmom sent a letter to the manager of the Eastland, where Ive been dying to get an apartment and missed the first time, and they just opened one up which I heard about Friday and it's all I can think about how Im going to walk in there on Monday and ask about it and Ive been hoping it isnt filled but trying not to think about it just the same, and my stepmom sent a letter to the apartment manager saying that I would be asking about it and that I had Asperger's Syndrome. !!!!!!!! Not only that but she sent the woman MY WEBSITE!!! My private writings, my innermost thoughts. I feel betrayed, hurt, stabbed. I dont care if anyone with an interest in AS sees the website; or a friend, or anyone who might somehow stumble upon it on the web (which is unlikely cus its mostly unlinked) but to take someone I dont even know, who I have found extremely unfriendly in the past, and someone who much of my future is depending on should I get this apartment, and show her my website with this essence of who I am on it feels like I have been very rudely and suddenly exposed. It is not fair that she did this. How do I even get a chance to pretend to be normal if she's going to go around telling everyone I have AS before I even get a chance to meet them? It goes without saying that anyone given the chance is going to discriminate against someone with a disability. They wont take the time to understand what the disability is, theyll just figure it means extra work for them, and write me off without ever giving me a chance. I know she didnt mean it this way and was probably trying to increase my chances and not decrease them, but I have been doing ALL THIS WORK looking for apartments, and it's really stressing me out,and I feel like I have been sabotaged and its not even worth doing anymore, way to crush my spirits, if this is all you're going to define me as, if this is all you think I am or ever will be, if you think I need a diagnosis of AS to get me an apartment rather than getting one on my own strengths and personality and functionality and simple ability to show up and ask for it and freaking pay for it. This is something my dad would have done, had he been able to get into the apartment activity, but I never thought my stepmom would. Actually, no. My dad actually ASKED me first before we were going to look at an apartment, if we should mention my getting disability. This was several months ago, but I still remember it, I looked at him horrified and said no way, that's completely irrelevant and has nothing to do with anything. Who would have thought that my dad was the one with the social graces to ask first. My dad is usually the one with no social graces, blunt as can be and saying whatever pops into his head. But even he knew enough to ask first. What was my stepmom thinking? It's one thing to help me look for apartments, it's another thing to take it upon yourself to decide to educate prospective apartment managers about your disability, WHEN IT'S NOT RELEVANT as I am completely independent, and without my permission. Ugh I keep reading the letter she sent and I am upset and repulsed. I dont know why I never have reactions this strong to anything I can usually reason with myself not to get upset but Im having an almost visceral reaction to this. It's 6am and theres no one I can call to talk about it, there's no one online AIM, its Easter to boot, my stepmom wont be up for several more hours , well a couple anyway, and I have to go to bed, but I dont know how Im going to go to bed when Im so upset about this, I hate her, I was the most relaxed Ive been all week before I read this! I actually had a chance of going to bed and being able to fall asleep for once. I feel like I should retaliate somehow. Maybe I shouldnt even consider the Eastland at all for an apartment, that will show her, except it will only be shooting myself in the foot. And now we're going to get into a big fight over this, because Im going to tell her,politely of course, that I am very upset over this and I think it was very wrong of her to do. And shes going to get all haughty and defensive and come up with some reason why she should have and tell me she was only trying to help me and if I dont want her help I should back off. And shes the only person I really have in my life who CAN help me, so I'll be obligated not to get mad at her and to make up and to not even push for an apology becaiuse I dont want to upset her because if i upset her who will i have in my life? and that just really sucks. And makes me even more alone. Im never going to get an apt anyway but I wanted to fail or succeed based on my own merits not what someone said about my disability. I should have the right to decide when to disclose my own freaking disability. It's not her right. This would be like if she was applying for an important prestigious job that she really wanted and I sent a letter to the hiring boss revealing something very private and stigmatized about her. You just dont do this to people! Its not even like Im not proud of my AS, or that I keep it a secret. I am and I dont. Which is why im a little surprised I feel so strongly about this. But in every instance I've EVER disclosed my AS, I've been comfortable with the person. It's 90% of the time to someone else who is AS, or to someone with an interest in AS. Or to a conference full of people who have an interest in AS, what's the difference, they're just strangers. But you don't go about disclosing to soemone like this, ina s ituation like this. This apt manager is even friendly.She was very rude and court when I spoke to her previoiusly, as were the front desk workers one excepted. Theyre not going to be the kind of people who understand something like this! I am so mad! Who thinks that this will hurt my chances at the apartment? ( This is a real questipn) Who thinks you should EVER need to disclose a disability when you're seeking housing if it doesnt affect your daily living capabilities? I'm all about raising awareness and being yourself but there are some situations in which even *I* know you should keep it to yourself!!! Geez. Thoughts? Thanks Kate Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted April 9, 2007 Report Share Posted April 9, 2007 Hello Kate, I'm sorry!! I know everybody needs help and support at least one time in their life. But, its such a shame that the only *one* person out there that you have to turn to that can give that help it a very controlling person(your step mom)..who doesn't have the ability to think things out (or ask first) if you need this kind of help. instead, she mistakes your needs for: Her Taking charge of your life. or sometimes making your more dependent on her by either putting you down or " taking your spirit away " . making you feel hurt or bad. (while you are feeling so down, you'll need her help more) I think people that do this are miserable themselves and by putting you down or hurting you and making you feel as miserable as them, makes them feel better. I don't know why else someone would do something like this to another person. From reading your post, you don't sound like someone that needs her help. You sound more like you are very overwhelmed with all the things going on all at once in your life right now. I think all you need is a really good friend that will just listen to you and support you, and your not getting that " at all " from you step mom!! What if you were to go to an adult support group for people with AS? or even just a support group? maybe they can help you get situated just enough for you to be totally independent and away from your step mom just for a little bit till your stress calms down a little? You just have too many stressful things happening at once and even a person *without* AS would have a hard time with this. Kate, I bet you don't need her as much as you think you do? I don't know you at all, but just from reading your post, You sound like a really nice person that can make it on their own. I know exactly how you feel. I kind of been in that situation and had to get out. Since I got out, I feel more focused and my stress level dropped!!! I hope things get better for you but sometimes for that to happen, you need to change your surroundings and the people that make you feel bad. Or this will just keep happening over and over. I agree with you strongly. Your step mom had no right to write that letter without letting you read it first and giving her permission to send that letter out.... Good luck to you. I hope you get an apartment real soon. Kate Goldfield <Kgoldfie@...> wrote: i am so mad now i dont think ive ever been this mad i cant type !! my stepmom sent a letter to the manager of the Eastland, where Ive been dying to get an apartment and missed the first time, and they just opened one up which I heard about Friday and it's all I can think about how Im going to walk in there on Monday and ask about it and Ive been hoping it isnt filled but trying not to think about it just the same, and my stepmom sent a letter to the apartment manager saying that I would be asking about it and that I had Asperger's Syndrome. !!!!!!!! Not only that but she sent the woman MY WEBSITE!!! My private writings, my innermost thoughts. I feel betrayed, hurt, stabbed. I dont care if anyone with an interest in AS sees the website; or a friend, or anyone who might somehow stumble upon it on the web (which is unlikely cus its mostly unlinked) but to take someone I dont even know, who I have found extremely unfriendly in the past, and someone who much of my future is depending on should I get this apartment, and show her my website with this essence of who I am on it feels like I have been very rudely and suddenly exposed. It is not fair that she did this. How do I even get a chance to pretend to be normal if she's going to go around telling everyone I have AS before I even get a chance to meet them? It goes without saying that anyone given the chance is going to discriminate against someone with a disability. They wont take the time to understand what the disability is, theyll just figure it means extra work for them, and write me off without ever giving me a chance. I know she didnt mean it this way and was probably trying to increase my chances and not decrease them, but I have been doing ALL THIS WORK looking for apartments, and it's really stressing me out,and I feel like I have been sabotaged and its not even worth doing anymore, way to crush my spirits, if this is all you're going to define me as, if this is all you think I am or ever will be, if you think I need a diagnosis of AS to get me an apartment rather than getting one on my own strengths and personality and functionality and simple ability to show up and ask for it and freaking pay for it. This is something my dad would have done, had he been able to get into the apartment activity, but I never thought my stepmom would. Actually, no. My dad actually ASKED me first before we were going to look at an apartment, if we should mention my getting disability. This was several months ago, but I still remember it, I looked at him horrified and said no way, that's completely irrelevant and has nothing to do with anything. Who would have thought that my dad was the one with the social graces to ask first. My dad is usually the one with no social graces, blunt as can be and saying whatever pops into his head. But even he knew enough to ask first. What was my stepmom thinking? It's one thing to help me look for apartments, it's another thing to take it upon yourself to decide to educate prospective apartment managers about your disability, WHEN IT'S NOT RELEVANT as I am completely independent, and without my permission. Ugh I keep reading the letter she sent and I am upset and repulsed. I dont know why I never have reactions this strong to anything I can usually reason with myself not to get upset but Im having an almost visceral reaction to this. It's 6am and theres no one I can call to talk about it, there's no one online AIM, its Easter to boot, my stepmom wont be up for several more hours , well a couple anyway, and I have to go to bed, but I dont know how Im going to go to bed when Im so upset about this, I hate her, I was the most relaxed Ive been all week before I read this! I actually had a chance of going to bed and being able to fall asleep for once. I feel like I should retaliate somehow. Maybe I shouldnt even consider the Eastland at all for an apartment, that will show her, except it will only be shooting myself in the foot. And now we're going to get into a big fight over this, because Im going to tell her,politely of course, that I am very upset over this and I think it was very wrong of her to do. And shes going to get all haughty and defensive and come up with some reason why she should have and tell me she was only trying to help me and if I dont want her help I should back off. And shes the only person I really have in my life who CAN help me, so I'll be obligated not to get mad at her and to make up and to not even push for an apology becaiuse I dont want to upset her because if i upset her who will i have in my life? and that just really sucks. And makes me even more alone. Im never going to get an apt anyway but I wanted to fail or succeed based on my own merits not what someone said about my disability. I should have the right to decide when to disclose my own freaking disability. It's not her right. This would be like if she was applying for an important prestigious job that she really wanted and I sent a letter to the hiring boss revealing something very private and stigmatized about her. You just dont do this to people! Its not even like Im not proud of my AS, or that I keep it a secret. I am and I dont. Which is why im a little surprised I feel so strongly about this. But in every instance I've EVER disclosed my AS, I've been comfortable with the person. It's 90% of the time to someone else who is AS, or to someone with an interest in AS. Or to a conference full of people who have an interest in AS, what's the difference, they're just strangers. But you don't go about disclosing to soemone like this, ina s ituation like this. This apt manager is even friendly.She was very rude and court when I spoke to her previoiusly, as were the front desk workers one excepted. Theyre not going to be the kind of people who understand something like this! I am so mad! Who thinks that this will hurt my chances at the apartment? ( This is a real questipn) Who thinks you should EVER need to disclose a disability when you're seeking housing if it doesnt affect your daily living capabilities? I'm all about raising awareness and being yourself but there are some situations in which even *I* know you should keep it to yourself!!! Geez. Thoughts? 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