RE: Aspies Demanding Control

[Guest guest]

I think we have the same daughter! I have no advice for you, as we're still

trying to figure out what to do, also. Sara usually ends up getting her way,

which isn't good, in the long run, but when the alternative is an emotional,

physical meltdown sometimes giving in is the lesser of two evils. It's

frustrating when people see her being bossy, and ask " Are you going to let her

get away with that?! Who's in charge here, you or her?! " Sigh...I'm glad you

posted this. It will be interesting to see what other responses you get back!

Pat-Mom to Josh and Sara (16 yo and 13 yo, both AS)

mickey514cp <mickey514cp@...> wrote:

Hi everyone,

How do you handle a teen aspie girl (13) who thrives on control? I

read that aspies do this, so they're comfortable or secure. If I

suggest that she go to bed (at midnight) she screams " No! don't tell

me that! " If I tell her to get up (at noontime) she screams, " Go

away! " I have tried everything.

If I insist on getting my way, she might get too aggressive. One

time, she was afraid that I would take her computer away, so she

locked me out of her bedroom. I'd say that computer is her

obsession, so I wouldn't take it away, but I should limit her time

on it.

I have tried talking and reasoning with her, but she hates any

lengthy discussions and balks at them. And I pick a time when

she's in a good mood, too. I am at wit's end and I'm almost begging

for some professional help, but I don't even know who to call.

She is quite pleasant most of the time. But, tell her what she

should do, and look out!

Help! Mickey

(daughter, asperger syndrome, 13 yrs old

[Guest guest]

Hi Mickey,

This is Nikki or Nikki Lynn if you prefer either works for me. I am a woman

with Asperger's who is 27 yrs old and officially diagnosed about 8 months

ago. My advice please please please please (enough pleases?) try to locate a

female psychotherapist with a background in dealing with Asperger's persons

and get your daughter in for a visit ASAP. I know somepeople balk at the

word therapy but overall my woman psychotherapist who has a background

dealing with AS cases has been a god send to my family. I still live with my

parents and we have many issues or disagreements in which both of us are

wrong or alternating one of us (my parents or me) are right and the other

party is wrong and the psychotherapist has mediated a lot of violatile

stituations for us!!!! She could help your daughter see why she needs to go

to bed before midnight and wake before noon (especially with the school year

starting) and explain it to her in a way that makes sense to her and is seen

as less confrontational even as the therapist may be agreeing with you. The

therapist also can help explain to you in ways your daughter can't more

about your daughter's Point of View. Also I am here if you wish to E-mail me

privately and can help anyway I can with explaining your daughter's Point of

View or whatever other questions/concerns you may have.

Nikki Lynn

( ) Aspies Demanding Control

Hi everyone,

How do you handle a teen aspie girl (13) who thrives on control? I

read that aspies do this, so they're comfortable or secure. If I

suggest that she go to bed (at midnight) she screams " No! don't tell

me that! " If I tell her to get up (at noontime) she screams, " Go

away! " I have tried everything.

If I insist on getting my way, she might get too aggressive. One

time, she was afraid that I would take her computer away, so she

locked me out of her bedroom. I'd say that computer is her

obsession, so I wouldn't take it away, but I should limit her time

on it.

I have tried talking and reasoning with her, but she hates any

lengthy discussions and balks at them. And I pick a time when

she's in a good mood, too. I am at wit's end and I'm almost begging

for some professional help, but I don't even know who to call.

She is quite pleasant most of the time. But, tell her what she

should do, and look out!

Help! Mickey

(daughter, asperger syndrome, 13 yrs old

[Guest guest]

Ok, My guy is 13 and talk about control. This sounds just about like

the same issue.

I will just tell you what we have been working on (so you know where

we are but thought you could know you are not alone!)

I have talked a lot to my son about feelings, and how even I get

frustrated. He has had so much of this, that he really is doing well

talking about things. (usually after a meltdown!)

He gets mad when I take something away, but eventually he

understands.

His 'obsession' is game playing.

YUP! I have taken it away. He flips out.

But I can assure you, the more we can stick to it the better off we

will be.

One thing that is something I am starting is having a clear plan for

behaviors that I don't like. We have decided to work on

innappropriate behaviors first, and my son has opportunities to earn

time on his 'obsession.' if he chooses not to it is his choice. He

can try to blame us but he makes the choice on if he earns time or

not.

That is a rough idea, but they are going through a lot at this age,

and we have to expect more issues, but if we can handle it ok, and

find ways to keep our expectations consistant we should have good

results.

?make sense? Ask me more if You don't get what I am trying to say.

Sometimes I don't either!

*smiles*

lisa b

>

> Hi everyone,

> How do you handle a teen aspie girl (13) who thrives on control?

I

> read that aspies do this, so they're comfortable or secure. If I

> suggest that she go to bed (at midnight) she screams " No! don't

tell

> me that! " If I tell her to get up (at noontime) she screams, " Go

> away! " I have tried everything.

>

> If I insist on getting my way, she might get too aggressive. One

> time, she was afraid that I would take her computer away, so she

> locked me out of her bedroom. I'd say that computer is her

> obsession, so I wouldn't take it away, but I should limit her time

> on it.

>

> I have tried talking and reasoning with her, but she hates any

> lengthy discussions and balks at them. And I pick a time when

> she's in a good mood, too. I am at wit's end and I'm almost

begging

> for some professional help, but I don't even know who to call.

>

> She is quite pleasant most of the time. But, tell her what she

> should do, and look out!

>

> Help! Mickey

>

> (daughter, asperger syndrome, 13 yrs old

>

[Guest guest]

I have a 15 year old who is very controling at times. My husband and I

decided what things we absolutely had to have control of (like safety issues,

son

carries charged phone with him at all times, lets us know where he is etc).

There are some things he does we just can't control. I have learned that my

son has to " learn by consequences " . Once I let go of that responsibility

and put it onto him what a difference. I make it clear to him that his choices

(not doing homework, not getting good grades, not getting up on time for

school, etc) aren't hurting me. They are hurting him in the long run.

Parenting has definitely been a learning experience for me. I was raised in

the day

that we did as we were told. Pam

[Guest guest]

<<<<<<<< I have learned that my

son has to " learn by consequences " -. Once I let go of that responsibility

and put it onto him what a difference. I make it clear to him that his

choices

(not doing homework, not getting good grades, not getting up on time for

school, etc) aren't hurting me. They are hurting him in the long run. >>>>>

hi, Pam:-)

in general , I agree. But I wonder: teens in general and especially our kids

do not have that foresight. When you say “in the long run”, you are talking

Chinese, as far as they are concerned. They can’t really grasp its meaning.

So how far do you go in letting them learn from the consequences?

F

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[Guest guest]

In a message dated 8/24/2006 8:06:22 AM Eastern Daylight Time,

uplift@... writes:

hi, Pam:-)

in general , I agree. But I wonder: teens in general and especially our kids

do not have that foresight. When you say “in the long runâ€, you are talking

Chinese, as far as they are concerned. They can’t really grasp its meaning.

So how far do you go in letting them learn from the consequences?

My son is 15 and he knows what the long run is...his long run anyway. The

long run is what he eventually wants to do with his life and how he is going to

accomplish those goals. We spend alot of time discussing these kinds of

issues in my home. I agree that a teenager or young adult may not be thinking

about the " long term " , but I don't agree that they don't grasp the meaning.

My son is learning what the consequences of his behaviors and actions are.

How far do I let him go? Well he failed two classes this school year. His

failing those classes isn't going to hurt my future. I can't " ground " him to

the house until he gets his homework done. He will leave or flee at anytime he

chooses. Plus I work and he is independant alot after school and not

disciplined enough to sit down and do his homework on his own. So if I demand

he

stays in the house and not leave until his homework is done, he will leave

anyway. No taking away of items or discipline " techniques " work with him (or

they do and then aggression and violence ensues). So my only option becomes

involving the police (because he has left the premesis without my permission)

and upsetting my entire family. He is learning that by not doing homework he

is failing the classes and in the long run his chances at getting a job doing

what he loves and making money (his long term goal) is lost. I'm not

recommending this as a " parenting technique " for others to utilize. I'm just

telling you that this is the path I've chosen and it works for my family. I

choose my battles very carefully and they involve his physical safety and the

safety of others...doing homework isn't on my red flagged list. Pam

[Guest guest]

But isn't it true, that an aspie can succeed in school with homework

and tests, but not succeed in the " real " world, Pam? Does your son

know what he wants to do in the long run?

>

>

> In a message dated 8/24/2006 8:06:22 AM Eastern Daylight Time,

> uplift@... writes:

>

> hi, Pam:-)

>

> in general , I agree. But I wonder: teens in general and

especially our kids

> do not have that foresight. When you say “in the long runâ€,

you are talking

> Chinese, as far as they are concerned. They can’t really grasp

its meaning.

> So how far do you go in letting them learn from the consequences?

>

>

>

>

> My son is 15 and he knows what the long run is...his long run

anyway. The

> long run is what he eventually wants to do with his life and how

he is going to

> accomplish those goals. We spend alot of time discussing these

kinds of

> issues in my home. I agree that a teenager or young adult may

not be thinking

> about the " long term " , but I don't agree that they don't grasp

the meaning.

> My son is learning what the consequences of his behaviors and

actions are.

> How far do I let him go? Well he failed two classes this school

year. His

> failing those classes isn't going to hurt my future. I

can't " ground " him to

> the house until he gets his homework done. He will leave or flee

at anytime he

> chooses. Plus I work and he is independant alot after school and

not

> disciplined enough to sit down and do his homework on his own. So

if I demand he

> stays in the house and not leave until his homework is done, he

will leave

> anyway. No taking away of items or discipline " techniques " work

with him (or

> they do and then aggression and violence ensues). So my only

option becomes

> involving the police (because he has left the premesis without my

permission)

> and upsetting my entire family. He is learning that by not doing

homework he

> is failing the classes and in the long run his chances at getting

a job doing

> what he loves and making money (his long term goal) is lost. I'm

not

> recommending this as a " parenting technique " for others to

utilize. I'm just

> telling you that this is the path I've chosen and it works for my

family. I

> choose my battles very carefully and they involve his physical

safety and the

> safety of others...doing homework isn't on my red flagged list.

Pam

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

I don't think we can make general sweeping statements about Aspies.

Something your child may be able to do very well, may be difficult for my son.

My

son isn't doing that well in the school environment. He doesn't understand

why he has to attend high school. He feels he has already learned everything

he needs to know to succeed in the " real world " (these are his words not

mine). He is musically gifted and would like to attend Berkley in Boston. He

wants to be in a successful rock band. We have conversations almost daily

about

how it is a wonderful goal and he is musically gifted, but is it a realistic

goal and what other options are out there in regards to the music field.

My son appears functional and independant...but I do have concerns about the

" real world " for him. Finally, the school agreed that he needs an IEP versus

a 504. He needs to have support in order to make it out of high school. I

am glad because at least this way with the IEP in place we can address the

Transition Plan (employment, independant living etc). Without an IEP that

would be impossible. Pam

[Guest guest]

Is your son in a band now? I have many friends that are in bands.

Some are successful and others are still hobbies. If your son wants

to be in a rock band and he has a band and they are good then there

could be many things possible. There are so many indie rock labels

that don't sign big bands. They start with bands that are " unknown " .

Most of these bands don't turn out to be Aerosmith but they do have

reputable bands with a typical Income. If your son is deremined

anything is possible. I would still point out that many many artist

do have real jobs while they work their way up. So above all

education is important.

Lenore

>

> I don't think we can make general sweeping statements about

Aspies.

> Something your child may be able to do very well, may be difficult

for my son. My

> son isn't doing that well in the school environment. He doesn't

understand

> why he has to attend high school. He feels he has already

learned everything

> he needs to know to succeed in the " real world " (these are his

words not

> mine). He is musically gifted and would like to attend Berkley

in Boston. He

> wants to be in a successful rock band. We have conversations

almost daily about

> how it is a wonderful goal and he is musically gifted, but is it

a realistic

> goal and what other options are out there in regards to the music

field.

> My son appears functional and independant...but I do have

concerns about the

> " real world " for him. Finally, the school agreed that he needs

an IEP versus

> a 504. He needs to have support in order to make it out of high

school. I

> am glad because at least this way with the IEP in place we can

address the

> Transition Plan (employment, independant living etc). Without an

IEP that

> would be impossible. Pam

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

In a message dated 8/25/2006 6:19:15 PM Eastern Daylight Time,

lenoreboyle@... writes:

If your son is deremined

anything is possible. I would still point out that many many artist

do have real jobs while they work their way up. So above all

education is important.

Yes Lenore, my son is currently in a band. They are o.k...he leads them

very strongly on drums. He also writes music and lyrics. We do stress that he

will need to have something to fall back on. He is interested in maybe job

shadowing where he takes music lessons. Pam

[Guest guest]

Well if he lived in my area I would surely hire him to teach my

children music. There are many good things in having music as a

talent.

Lenore

>

>

> In a message dated 8/25/2006 6:19:15 PM Eastern Daylight Time,

> lenoreboyle@... writes:

>

> If your son is deremined

> anything is possible. I would still point out that many many

artist

> do have real jobs while they work their way up. So above all

> education is important.

>

>

>

> Yes Lenore, my son is currently in a band. They are o.k...he

leads them

> very strongly on drums. He also writes music and lyrics. We do

stress that he

> will need to have something to fall back on. He is interested in

maybe job

> shadowing where he takes music lessons. Pam

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

I don't think they do it that way. For instance, they may control how a game is

played because they don't understand the rules. By being " in charge " they make

the rules and then, they can play.

Controlling parents is another story and I would not say this is part of having

AS. OTOH, my own 14 yo dd is this way when I tell her to get up or go to bed,

etc. She balks. I think most teens do as they try to stretch out some

independence. But when it matters, she has to do what we ask because we are the

ones in charge ultimately. My older kids always sigh heavily when I start to

speak - as if the thought of listening to me will hurt their precious ears. Too

bad. lol. I finish what I say. My older ds with HFA will often cut me off as

well and I stand there and make him let me finish. I do not go on and on

either. So it is not a big deal to learn some manners and listen. I think a

lot of teens are like that when parents want to say something, though.

If there is such a threat present to telling her she " has " to do anything, then

you really should find someone who can help you work with her and get some

control back. I don't think taking a computer away is really a bad thing. I

have several computer junkies living here and I have taken a computer away

before from one of my kids who is HFA. I was not going to win " Favorite parent

of the year " award that year (sigh) but I made my point and don't have that

particular problem anymore.

Roxanna

( ) Aspies Demanding Control

Hi everyone,

How do you handle a teen aspie girl (13) who thrives on control? I

read that aspies do this, so they're comfortable or secure. If I

suggest that she go to bed (at midnight) she screams " No! don't tell

me that! " If I tell her to get up (at noontime) she screams, " Go

away! " I have tried everything.

If I insist on getting my way, she might get too aggressive. One

time, she was afraid that I would take her computer away, so she

locked me out of her bedroom. I'd say that computer is her

obsession, so I wouldn't take it away, but I should limit her time

on it.

I have tried talking and reasoning with her, but she hates any

lengthy discussions and balks at them. And I pick a time when

she's in a good mood, too. I am at wit's end and I'm almost begging

for some professional help, but I don't even know who to call.

She is quite pleasant most of the time. But, tell her what she

should do, and look out!

Help! Mickey

(daughter, asperger syndrome, 13 yrs old

.

[Guest guest]

Call your local MHMR and ask about services. Natural consequences work well

too (if she doesn't get up she will miss something she wants?) . compromise

(computer time in the am only?) works well sometimes too, and it will teach her

communication skills.

In a message dated 8/28/2006 7:04:12 AM Eastern Standard Time,

mickey514cp@... writes:

Hi everyone,

How do you handle a teen aspie girl (13) who thrives on control? I

read that aspies do this, so they're comfortable or secure. If I

suggest that she go to bed (at midnight) she screams " No! don't tell

me that! " If I tell her to get up (at noontime) she screams, " Go

away! " I have tried everything.

If I insist on getting my way, she might get too aggressive. One

time, she was afraid that I would take her computer away, so she

locked me out of her bedroom. I'd say that computer is her

obsession, so I wouldn't take it away, but I should limit her time

on it.

I have tried talking and reasoning with her, but she hates any

lengthy discussions and balks at them. And I pick a time when

she's in a good mood, too. I am at wit's end and I'm almost begging

for some professional help, but I don't even know who to call.

She is quite pleasant most of the time. But, tell her what she

should do, and look out!

Help! Mickey

(daughter, asperger syndrome, 13 yrs old

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[Guest guest]

Sounds like my daughter at that age. I would suggest therapy, therapy

and then more therapy. Therapists can see things we can't see cause

we're too close to the situation. I had no idea the reasons my

daughter was doing-or not doing-certain things. I just thought she

was stubborn and willfull. The therapist-and keep trying until you

get one that is good and you are comfortable with, one who is willing

to learn about aspergers, makes sense to you and remember to try to

be objective when she is telling you (gulp) that some of this could

be your problem because of you not knowing what else to do-was able

to explain things to me that I would never have believed if my

daughter had told me. I would have thought she was just making

excuses. We still go through this to this day and I have to remind

myself that she is not doing these things on purpose. Also,

medication. Until my daughter was put on Tegretol she threw the most

enormous fits, breaking many things, threw my stereo across the room

and once tried to push a TV on top of me. Tegretol is for the rages

and that is what works for her. Something else may work for your

daughter. I agree with the consequences for breaking the rules. We

had to have very basic rules at first and then work up from there.

Basically, pick your battles cause she isn't going to be able to

change all at once. I think we started with going to her pscyciatrist

appointment every month, going to school every day, showing me her

completed homework-using a notepad to list each homework asignment

which the teacher would then initial so I knew what was assigned. No

violence was definitely one of the basic rules. If she broke one of

the basic rules she had consequences, depending on what was important

to her at the time. Computer, TV, books, video games. At one point we

(why do I still day " we " , her dad cut her out of his life early on

cause he couldn't handle it) took everything out of her room and she

had to earn back each item with her good behavior. Other basic rules

were take a shower/wash hair/wear clean clothes every week day.

Somethings I had to ignore at first were: tantrums from having

something taken away, backtalk, rudeness,her filthy room-it was a

nightmare of growing old plates of food, bad grades, her messiness in

the kitchen, me doing her laundry because she hated the laundry room

at our apartment because people would talk to her. If she slammed her

door we took the handle off so that it could not be slammed anymore.

I basically just had to grit my way through it and talk to the

therapist every week-with my daughter in the room(because that was

another rule-go to therapy every week)-about what had happened that

week, how I had dealt with it-or hadn't in some cases-and how we

could react better-both me and my daughter-the next time that

situation came up. It was very exhausting. One very big thing I

learned and am still trying to keep to is that you can only do so

much and if you have tried your best and are still not getting

results you have to accept that reality for that day. If you push

yourself too hard to try and control her you will end up with both of

you out of control. So, somedays the only rules that got followed

were that she went to school. Or not. I learned when to stop and just

let things go because to continue would create a really bad situation

for both of us. It wasn't " giving in " it was just letting it lie for

this day because this day I have tried and I am

tired/sick/overwhelmed and if I continue I will say something I will

regret. That was and still is a very hard thing to learn. I am still

learning it to this day as both my children are still at home at ages

20 and 22 and might always be at home. The good news is that nearly

all of that behavior has disappeared. She works very hard at not

being rude or controlling and really hates it when she is. I think

the last milestone-and this probably sounds ridicoulous to you- we

reached was this: we watch TV together as we like almost all of the

same shows and it is something that I can " do " with her that doesn't

involve her stranger anxiety which comes in whenever we leave the

house and gets on my nerves too much. She likes to have " control " of

the remote. She used to be so " controlling " that she would not rewind

something, turn the volume up or down or let us listen to commercials-

the loudness of them gets on her nerves. If someone asked her to do

one of these things she would just argue that we really didn't need

to see that scene again or the volume was fine, etc. It really

started to drive me crazy. So, now, 8 years later, she finally

concedes that she is not the god of the remote and cannot make

decisions for other people about what they can and cannot see/hear! I

know that sounds so stupid but it was a major accomplishment for her.

Ok, I have to stop now as this is turning into a novel.

Hope some of that helped.

Becky

>

> Call your local MHMR and ask about services. Natural consequences

work well

> too (if she doesn't get up she will miss something she wants?) .

compromise

> (computer time in the am only?) works well sometimes too, and it

will teach her

> communication skills.

>

> In a message dated 8/28/2006 7:04:12 AM Eastern Standard Time,

> mickey514cp@... writes:

> Hi everyone,

> How do you handle a teen aspie girl (13) who thrives on control? I

> read that aspies do this, so they're comfortable or secure. If I

> suggest that she go to bed (at midnight) she screams " No! don't

tell

> me that! " If I tell her to get up (at noontime) she screams, " Go

> away! " I have tried everything.

>

> If I insist on getting my way, she might get too aggressive. One

> time, she was afraid that I would take her computer away, so she

> locked me out of her bedroom. I'd say that computer is her

> obsession, so I wouldn't take it away, but I should limit her time

> on it.

>

> I have tried talking and reasoning with her, but she hates any

> lengthy discussions and balks at them. And I pick a time when

> she's in a good mood, too. I am at wit's end and I'm almost begging

> for some professional help, but I don't even know who to call.

>

> She is quite pleasant most of the time. But, tell her what she

> should do, and look out!

>

> Help! Mickey

>

> (daughter, asperger syndrome, 13 yrs old

>

>

>

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topic

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>

[Guest guest]

<< I had no idea the reasons my

daughter was doing-or not doing-certain things. I just thought she

was stubborn and willfull. >>

Becky,

Could you give one example? What was she doing (or not doing) and why

was she behaving that way, if it's not being stubborn and willful?

I'm assuming it's because of her AS? Was her behavior related to

anxiety or something else? Your post is very helpful. Thanks, Mickey

[Guest guest]

Her behavior is always related to her anxiety.

She has a lot of anxiety around other people and also is very self-

conscious about her body. She wears huge clothes to cover herself up.

I thought that was the only reason. Turns out that clothes that " fit "

feel too tight to her-a sensory issue. She just cannot stand that

feeling. We had quite a few battles also about changing her clothes.

She would wear the same outfit for days and I just thought that she

was lazy. It turns out that freshly washed clothes feel extremely

uncomfortable to her skin. She says that once she's worn it, it's way

more comfortable for her. When I learned that we decided that wearing

clothes for two days in a row was fine as long as she showered, etc.

That stopped the whole clothing issue right there. No more fights

about clothes.

We also had a problem with washing her hair for a couple of years.

Turns out that she didn't really know how to wash it and rinse it

completely and she has extremely long hair. I thought that she was

not washing it at all. Once I told her how to wash it and rinse it-

which I thought she already knew but once they hit 12 or 13 they

don't talk about that stuff-the washing the hair also became a non-

issue.

These sound like simple issues but turned into huge ones because I

don't think that even SHE knew why she didn't like to change clothes

so she could not communicate that to me. And, she thought that she

WAS washing her hair.

That is how the therapist helped us out with quite a few things. She

helped us to communicate in a safe atmosphere where everybody got

equal time to express his or her issues. It also helped us to really

realize that nobody is ever " right " or " wrong " on these things.

Everybody had a right to his or her opinion and therefore both of us

felt respected. We learned how to express something that was

bothering us without a " tone " in our voice or in a blaming manner. We

learned to be creative and think " outside the box " as they say. I

learned that there is no " right " way to parent and rules can be

compromised on or simply discarded because they could not possibly

ever be followed. I.E. she is always going to look like the

incredible shrinking woman because of her outsized clothing but oh

well, that is her and I have to respect that.

It used to drive me crazy that she would not go into the kitchen if

someone was already there and if someone came into the kitchen she

would get really anxious and irritable and rude and kind of push her

way past us. She did that with a lot of things. Sitting next to

someone in the car was impossible for her. I thought that she just

always had to be first and was being rude to get her own way. Turns

out she CANNOT STAND to have people close to her at any time. Once we

figured that out it brought quite a lot of peace into the household

because we understood that it was not her being rude it was her

anxiety about being near other people. She has her own chair now to

watch TV and it is positioned so that no one can stand behind her-

which also drives her crazy. We give her a lot of space now and she

is a lot less irritated and so am I.

Not picking up her room was a BIG issue because she also ate in there

and therefore the carpeting took quite a beating. She would step on

things and break them because her room was such a mess. These were

not just her things but things she had borrowed from her brother and

me. Her room also smelled. It took a LONG time to realize that SHE

DOES NOT EVEN SEE THE MESS. This is why she didn't bother to pick it

up, not because she was a slob, but because for whatever reason-I

think it's a processing issue? -she does not notice when things get

messy or dirty. She just doesn't. We came up with some solutions. She

was eating in her room because again, she does not like to be near

people when she eats. We solved that by letting her eat at the

kitchen table alone and my son and I would eat in the living room.

Whenever she was eating we would not go near the dining table. This

became a " safe " place for her to eat because she knew we were not

watching her or going to come near her. Presto! No more dirty carpets

or smelly rooms because no food was going in there. She would

also " collect " glasses in there so we started buying bottled water

and she can only have that in her room to drink. The " picking up " is

not and will not ever happen so I just don't look in her room because

I would scream if I did. If she breaks something, she breaks

something and oh well, she will have to pay for it or suffer from the

loss if it is her thing that gets broken. And, yes Becky, things get

broken and have to be replaced and I know that costs money but in the

end it's really not worth fretting about cause it ain't going to stop

happening! Did I ever mention I was once a perfectionist and a

control freak about cleaning? NOT ANYMORE! IT IS NOT WORTH IT! I

would rather watch TV and laugh with my daughter then spend endless

hours talking to her about how she should pick up her room or making

her pick up her room and having that hostility in the household.

UMM, I just realized you asked for ONE example and here I am probably

giving you 46.

Basically it comes down to finding out what is causing the behavior

and figuring out a way to go over, under or otherwise avoid it. And

realizing that they are not doing things on purpose to annoy you.

I know my mother thinks that I give in to my kids because I don't

make them do the things that I have mentioned or I don't criticize

them for being rude. Well, that's life Mom, I have to be a different

type of mom if I want to stay sane and have peace in the house. Also,

contrary to your belief, there is not someone out there checking off

little boxes keeping track of the things I don't do. Nobody really

cares if Kady doesn't pick up her room. The world keeps turning and

I'd rather watch Gilmore Girls with my daughter.

Hope that helps!

Becky

>

> << I had no idea the reasons my

> daughter was doing-or not doing-certain things. I just thought she

> was stubborn and willfull. >>

>

> Becky,

> Could you give one example? What was she doing (or not doing) and

why

> was she behaving that way, if it's not being stubborn and willful?

> I'm assuming it's because of her AS? Was her behavior related to

> anxiety or something else? Your post is very helpful. Thanks,

Mickey

>

[Guest guest]

For us, learning via " consequences " has not always proven to be a great

idea. My ds learns via consequences but he tends to learn that one specific

lesson. So it does not always turn out the way we want. lol. We did go

through this with our older dd though - who insisted she learn via

consequences and then, well, she did learn everything the hard way. Now she

is 25 and says, " Why didn't you tell me? " lol. Oh yeah. We tried to do

that!

Roxanna

RE: ( ) Re: Aspies Demanding Control

<<<<<<<< I have learned that my

son has to " learn by consequences " -. Once I let go of that responsibility

and put it onto him what a difference. I make it clear to him that his

choices

(not doing homework, not getting good grades, not getting up on time for

school, etc) aren't hurting me. They are hurting him in the long run. >>>>>

hi, Pam:-)

in general , I agree. But I wonder: teens in general and especially our kids

do not have that foresight. When you say " in the long run " , you are talking

Chinese, as far as they are concerned. They can't really grasp its meaning.

So how far do you go in letting them learn from the consequences?

F

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[Guest guest]

Hey Becky,

thanks for sharing your novel.

It was inspiring and exciting to see how you have made such an impact,

and how we can too!

Ahh the gift of sharing

*hugs*

lisa b

>

> Sounds like my daughter at that age. I would suggest therapy,

therapy

> and then more therapy. Therapists can see things we can't see cause

> we're too close to the situation. I had no idea the reasons my

> daughter was doing-or not doing-certain things. I just thought she

> was

[Guest guest]

Hi Mickey,

My son is this way.

If I tell him, " I'd like you to start your homework at 1:00, "

he'll say, " NO! "

So I say, " What do you think is fair? "

" 2:00. "

" Well, I feel that 2:00 is too late. I worry that you won't get all

your work done if you wait til then. How about if you start at 1:30. "

" Okay. "

Then I set either the timer on my watch or the timer on the kitchen

stove and we take it from there.

Dh feels t hat this is too much negotiation, but it seems to work,

and gives him the control he needs at the moment. It won't, of

course, work on a job. But our goal at the moment is to g et through

college.

Liz

On Aug 23, 2006, at 12:38 AM, mickey514cp wrote:

> Hi everyone,

> How do you handle a teen aspie girl (13) who thrives on control? I

> read that aspies do this, so they're comfortable or secure. If I

> suggest that she go to bed (at midnight) she screams " No! don't tell

> me that! " If I tell her to get up (at noontime) she screams, " Go

> away! " I have tried everything.

>

> If I insist on getting my way, she might get too aggressive. One

> time, she was afraid that I would take her computer away, so she

> locked me out of her bedroom. I'd say that computer is her

> obsession, so I wouldn't take it away, but I should limit her time

> on it.

>

> I have tried talking and reasoning with her, but she hates any

> lengthy discussions and balks at them. And I pick a time when

> she's in a good mood, too. I am at wit's end and I'm almost begging

> for some professional help, but I don't even know who to call.

>

> She is quite pleasant most of the time. But, tell her what she

> should do, and look out!

>

> Help! Mickey

>

> (daughter, asperger syndrome, 13 yrs old

>

>

>