Would Appreciate Advice From Adults w\Asperger's Syndrome

[Guest guest]

I just took these, all this time, I assumed that my son inherited

Asperger's from his father, who just acts like an A#$hole, I

discovered it was me... 16 on Empathy, 44 on autism spectrum, and

systemizing is 49... so I guess it would be me that passed it on?? I

knew that I was different, I used to cry at school if someone looked

at me, on all my report cards in elementary school, the teachers

would write " Tami is in her own little world " , I hate talking to

people face to face...I prefer the telephone. If I think someone is

going to be mad at me for something I did... eg not coming over to

their house to visit, or not calling them, cause I do that alot... I

just wont call them or answer their calls... I didn't think I had

it... because I am very emotional and overly sensitive... I can't

stand to be criticized, I always read criticism into everything

people say... I can't tell you how many times I have left work one

day and never gone back because my boss said I did something wrong

when I was younger... I don't take compliments well, I am not an

emotional type mother... I have to force myself to give hugs and

kisses... and when I get them, I have to try hard not to pull away

quickly. I found one friend in highschool, and I used to try to do

everything that she thought I should do, cause she seemed so

confident... I have never been confident with people. I forced

myself to get jobs, and I always dreaded going to work, I would be

physically ill sometimes at the thought of having to be around other

people. I just assumed I had agoraphobia or something... Now I work

with people with Autism and Mental Retardation... and I feel right

at home, there isn't another job I could imagine myself doing...

they are so accepting of me and are happy that I am there to help

them... My only friend right now is my sister and I make her do

things with me, cause I hate social situations... if I have to go to

the store, I take my son or my sister with me... I do ask my sister

for her opinion alot because I am not sure what I should do alot,

like if something happens at work, I tell her what happened and ask

her how I should feel about it... I have a hard time paying bills, I

have to make myself do that, because I am afraid that I will screw

up my finances... sometimes I have to get my sister to help me...

and I feel so rediculous because I am not stupid... I just have a

hard time with lots of things... not sure why. I always expect

people, eg boyfriends, to read my mind and know why I am upset... I

have a hard time with dealing with other people coming into my life

and trying to change things, so I haven't had a boyfriend in

years... because I don't want to change anything... my life is okay

this way. I've never really been happy... just not unhappy. And

stress... I can't handle stress.... it takes me all week to adjust

when I work an extra shift... When I come home from work, I have

this system, I will come home and make coffee and sit down and have

a cigarette and I can't move from my spot for at least 45 minutes...

if I come home and my niece or my son is in my " spot " , I have to

stop myself from yelling " get out of my spot! " I can't have anyone

touching my things... don't touch my pillows if you value your life!

lol when the kids ask me to take them someplace right away after

work, it upsets me... cause I want to do things a certain way. I

have to try really, REALLY hard to be flexible... I only read

psychology books, never fiction. I love psychology books, they

comfort me. But I love movies... I watch movies all the time. Is

this weird?? I mean, my father used to yell at me for being " weird " ,

stupid, shy or stubborn... If I didn't want to do something, I

wouldn't do it, he would have to spank me alot... but parents

spanked back then... I think that is why I taught myself the things

I know now... like what to say when someone says x, I just say

things... like I may not care what someone is saying to me, but I

say " Oh, that's too bad " or " Ahh, I see " and keep wishing they would

stop talking to me... but I would never say anything like that to

someone... cause I know it is rude, and I am always concerned with

not seeming rude even though inside, I am very rude... and I hate

it, too. People say I am too quiet, they call me " mousey " . But once

I get started, they wish I would shut up I am sure. I can just

ramble on about the stupidest things... I often leave a conversation

feeling like the biggest idiot for what I just said... When I clean

my house, I have to do it a certain way... I have to do the floors

first, the trash has to be out right away, which makes my son mad,

cause I will complain and hem and haw if he doesn't take it out

right away, then I have to pick up everything off the tables and

desk and then dust, then vacuum then dishes then the bathroom sink,

tub then toilet, then mop, and if I don't have time to do it the

right way, I can't do it at all, except the dishes, I make myself

just do the dishes...If I come home from work and the sink is full

of dishes, I feel like I am going to explode inside... I wont say

anything, I have to talk to myself and calm myself down inside my

head... it's only dishes, you can wash them in a few minutes...

don't get upset... because I can't just do a few dishes, I have to

do them all and then clean the counters and the stove right after,

cause that is what I HAVE to do. I cannot cook supper unless all the

dishes are clean and put away and the counters are clean and the

stove is clean, etc. I can't start dinner until it is all done. If

anything happens to me, like sickness or injury, I get completely

devistated because it changes everything... I can't adjust easily...

I get lost and I don't know what to do... how to deal with it... I

don't know what to do... I mean, if I get a diagnosis, that might

hurt me financially... but if I have Asperger's, how can I help my

son who has Asperger's? Have I not been a good mother? How would I

know? He says I have been... but he has Asperger's, so his opinion

is biased! Should I just carry on and not get help, or try to get

help? What good would it do me?