Re: Me Pulling my hair out!

[Guest guest]

In a message dated 10/8/2003 3:45:34 PM Eastern Standard Time,

mlndhall@... writes:

I am so sick of dealing with this. I feel totally

incompetent now. As a result of all this, he made

himself sick and I got a phone call and I told them to

make him wait another 30 min. Well, they called back

and sent him home. He's fine. I knew there was

something up that warranted the call from school with

him not feeling well.

Melinda {{{}}} Hang in there, sweetie. That teacher was way out of line to

talk to you that way but it's nothing new under the sun. I've been told that

many times too - he knows how, he's not doing it on purpose, he's fooling me

(lying).

One thing that really opened my eyes was at his last set of tests, it showed

clearly that his ability to retain short term memory items was incredibly bad.

So many times he would do it at the time (during class) and then by the time

he got home, he couldn't remember how to do it. We went through this routine

A LOT in middle school, especially grade 7. The teacher who worked well with

Royce did still have the attitude that he was faking it with me. I remember

a rather ugly meeting where I had had enough of the crap and I said, " Oh

yeah...the mother is enabling him theory...that's right...we are all here

because

he's fooling me... " And the teacher said, " Yes, that's right. " lol.

So! You are not the only mom around here to be called incompetent! Hold

your head high and be glad you are now one of us. lol. <G>

Okay, it's not fun or funny. I know. I guess I just want you to cheer up.

I want you to know you are not alone and I understand how you feel.

As for , I am not there to see him or know him personally but having

gone through a similar issue with Royce, I know that a lot of the problems with

school and with doing homework was just the incredible stress of it all. He

was stressed before he even got on the bus, he melted down all day in school,

when he got home we expected him to do even MORE school work and that resulted

in more tantrums (me and him both.) As you know, we ended up cutting out

homework altogether for the rest of that year and slowly phased it back in for

8th

grade. Now in 9th he still does only the evens or odds (half).

But this kid is stressing out, he's having trouble even getting out the door

and I think the school should be getting inservicing on this disorder and on

his needs. Next time Mrs. Meanie calls you, ask her if she has had any

inservicing on Asperger's. And don't let her go on and on at you like that.

You

don't deserve it. You have to know you are doing the best that you can and you

need to say that and not apologize to them for it. Home is for family time and

you need to have that. You are not the teacher and you shouldn't have to

spend hours arguing with him over homework. I would set aside a specific time

amount for doing it and leave it at that. Let it go. Call a meeting and have

his homework halved. Have the teacher who wants to complain talk to the case

worker and not you next time. And again, repeat to people, " I'm doing the best

I can...this is all I can do. " And then let it go.

Roxanna ö¿ö

Autism happens...

[Guest guest]

Argh, melinda !!!

this person does not sound like she is interested in helping much, is she ?

Have you spoken to them about AS and homework ? I mean iti s such a common

problem!

now mind you, even for an NT kid, I think it is the child's homework, and the

child's responsibility to do it in the end.

at the risk of being wrong since I do not know her, I would say that she is

either totally misunderstanding his difficulties or she is just interested in

covering herself.

now take a deep deep breath and release it r-e-a-l-l-y slow............

F

[Guest guest]

Hi Melinda,

Sorry you're going thru this!

I'll tell you my experience with my older son (NT) back in 5th

grade. Well, he & I didn't work well together on homework in the

first place, really. But I recall the math (among other problems)

that year.

For one thing, this was a great teacher, but she demanded a LOT from

the kids and, believe me, many were under stress, including mine.

Anyway, they were not allowed to even leave a problem blank, had to

have something put down.

There were times he didn't know how to do the homework, sometimes

just a problem or so, or more. Soooo...I mentioned to the teacher

more than once that Randall (and me) weren't sure how to do some

problems. She would say they covered it in class, etc. Was NICE to

me (sorry, your teacher isn't the same to you). THEN she would let

Randall " have it " the next time she saw him, as to why he didn't ask

her about it, etc. At one point during the year, I promised not to

say ANYthing to her about work again. SIGH!

THEN in 9th grade he had this Algebra teacher who just could not

teach. And he'd ask for my help at night. THAT didn't work out

either, as " my " way wasn't the " teacher's " way. I met with the

teacher and told him: I don't care if Randall writes down EVERY note

in class and every problem worked, that does NOT mean he understands

it; he asks you questions and you say to refer to notes, it was

covered.....

My point being, in a roundabout way, that even if it's covered in

class, that does NOT mean the student understands it. So many times

my kids - even me back in college a few years ago - would " get it " in

class and not get it at home. Or some of the homework problems were

a little different than the " in class " ones and could throw you.

NOW - to his recent OCD. OCD can cause MAJOR problems with

schoolwork. It did with and with other kids I know of. If

he's handwashing/OCD, then he's probably got some other OCD things

going on that are presently unknown, maybe even to him or he may just

not want to say or may not understand. couldn't do his work

at home all thru 6th grade without MY help (I did ALL writing and a

lot of the reading to him). He could get some work done at school,

not much, but while at school he pushed himself to write, when at

home OCD kids can just fall apart and - well, home is just a

different situation than at school. I could go on and on about our

experience and mention others'. I still remember the teacher in 6th

(who really was understanding overall) once saying something

like " well he can do it when I stand over him!! " Well, duh, yeah he

can. But not with ME standing over him. Plus he's at school,

there's that pressure (peers, teacher, public....).

Just for now, as an experiment, explore what he might do if you

suggest reading aloud to him or you writing/him dictating.

Oh, by the way, OCD can be very distracting in class also.

SIGH! Sorry this is so long. Just lots of empathy coming to you

from me!!!! OCD on top of any Aspergers/autism type traits causing

problems can really throw you! For us, it's been more 's OCD.

> Will this ever end? I just got a call from school.

> Seems my " son " is playing games when it comes to

> homework. He told me last night that he didn't know

> how to do something. He actually had a meltdown about

> it. Well, come to find out, he did know how to do it,

> and was just pulling my chain.

>

> I almost hung up on the woman twice during the

[Guest guest]

<<<<<<<<<<----- I'm exhausted just from the two phone

calls I have had and thinking about dealing with all

of this!Melinda>>>>>>>>

Exhausted, but not powerless! :-)

In dealing with schools, I have reached points where I really thought I would go

insane. But I was relentless , and if you are, they are bound to give in in the

end, even if simply they cannot afford putting all the energy that you put into

getting what you want for ;-)

F

[Guest guest]

Hmmm....you just took me back to third grade. I sinmply adore being

called a liar. I love it being implied I'm incompetent. It simply

makes me feel so freakin good. I just don't know how I've managed to

handle life w/o our third grade teacher. Oh yes it must be the lovely

4th grade teachers that helped me deal. After all I might lose my

mind if I did not get reminded daily of all my faults, my kids'

faults, etc.

Our kids have the responsibility to complete homework. Yes we need to

help. They need supplies. They need a quiet space. I'm fine w/

breaking down the assignments if needed. I'll go over directions.

I'll even check to see if it's being done correctly. However we can

NOT control the following: A. Homework has to come home! B. We have

to know what we are supervising! C. The finished product has to be

turned back in by the student! It needs to be their work NOT ours. I

don't know about you, but I've already graduated...many years ago.

NOONE should have to do school twice, which is what I felt I was

being made to do. Cruel and unusual punishment IF you ask me. haha

I refuse to continue. Helping is one thing, but doing it for them is

out of the question. I know MANY parents who have the child copy the

parent's work!!! I was almost to that point myself. It came down to

it being easier for me to do it than fight ALL night long. I've

changed my ways.

Hang in there. I do think it'll get better.

HUGS, paula

[Guest guest]

Also an interesting question: How many kids " play " their way to the

psych ward these days? I'd put my money on not many at all.

Roxanna

> Will this ever end? I just got a call from school.

> Seems my " son " is playing games when it comes to

> homework.

[Guest guest]

Great point-- Roxanna!!!!!!!!!!!!!

> Also an interesting question: How many kids " play " their way to

the

> psych ward these days? I'd put my money on not many at all.

>

> Roxanna

>

>

> > Will this ever end? I just got a call from school.

> > Seems my " son " is playing games when it comes to

> > homework.