Re: ()Hello everyone

May 28, 2003

Hi Everyone:

My name is Reigna pronounced Ray-na. I am almost 25 years old, and have

recently been diagnosed with Asperger's Syndrome. I know that I have posted here

before. Just thought I would say hi, and see how everyone is doing? What other

plans do you have for the week?

It was nice to talk to you all again.

I am from Minnesota.

Hope to keep in touch.

Take care,

Reigna pronounced Ray-na

May 28, 2003

I also am from Minnesota. I am the parent of a 13 year old son who was not

diagnosed with AS until age 12. Because of special ed eligibility guidelines

in MN, his eligibility for services has been based on EBD. He also is

diagnosed ADHD, although as I learn more about AS I am more and more convinced

that

the root of his challenges has always been AS.

We have faced tremendous behavioral issues in the past three months. He

obsesses about every wrong to him (always has, but recently got into legal

trouble

seeking his own brand of " justice " ). He recently participated in a partial

hospitalization treatment program, where we were told he is far more affected

by AS issues than I ever dreamed. Somehow, until this point he has managed to

get along without major problems (as teachers and parents stepped in to make

changes as needed).

I have so many questions I am not sure I will get them all into this one

email. Mornings are awful - he is almost always late for school, because he has

a

ritual which involves soaking in the tub until he feels ready to stop. Also

awful to wake in the a.m.

I guess my biggest question right now is how to bring him " on board " in terms

of AS and learning to live with it? He doesn't want to hear about it, he

doesn't want to talk about it, he doesn't want to think that he requires any

diffe

rent structure than before (although what we had before wasn't working).

Also, how do you handle questions about assoications with other kids? My son

never got into serious trouble until he started spending significant time

with a neighbor boy a year older. I don't know that the boy is evil, but he has

a reputation for being somewhat disrespectful. The police have been called on

my son three times when he is with this boy. My son is the one who doesn't

handle it well. I want to limit their contact to times when they are

supervised together, and my son says supervision is completely unnecessary and I

am

just being " overprotective. "

Also, the hospital said the regular classroom environment he's been in is

extremely stressful for him. My son is resistant to the thought of any change.

I suspect this is because he doesn't want to be identified as " different. "

Any input/suggestions will be greatly appreciated!

Thanks in advance,

Pat

May 29, 2003

Wow, Pat, you have your hands full.

You asked for input, so here goes.

Parents run the home, not kids. Somehow, some way, the morning bath ritual

has got to go. Do you have more than one bathroom? Can you gradually shorten

the amount of time? Shift it to night time? Wouldn't get away with that

here, because we are 4 to 1 bathroom ...

I took parenting courses when we got kids. at age 5 and his sister

was 2 when I married their dad. It was awful, 's behaviours. I was

totally stymied. The courses were great. ABC's of parenting. Antecedent,

Behaviour, Consequence. Wonderful training from the local developmental

center. 1-2-3 magic didn't work with , although it did with his

sister. Anyway, we learned the " balancing act " , too, which is now a course

taught throughout Canada. Parents are on top. Kids are under. Roles of each.

It was really helpful. I have a book on it somewhere. If enough express an

interest, I could dig it out. Pie charts with family members' roles, etc.

I can think of one thing. A single mom who has problems. Needs to confide in

another adult. Not in child. The book outlines why. Parents nurture

children, not the other way around. You shouldn't have children so you won't

be lonely. Lots of good stuff in there. I'm getting sidetracked ...

The neighbour kid. If your son doesn't want to be supervised, then no

friends. Sorry. My son is 15 and he is VERY well supervised. Your son can

take it or leave it. After all, you are responsible (legally) for his

welfare. You don't supervise him and he gets into trouble, you're liable.

Also, of course you love him and care about him. You want him to be safe.

The AS. Well, he does have AS. He may not want to think he's different but

he is. Stressing some of the positives about having AS may help. If you

can't think of any, post to the list, we'll come up with lots. By the way

the diagnosis isn't important (except maybe to your insurance company or the

school board), just what it means in terms of the differences he has and

what kind of interventions may work. If your son doesn't want to admit he

has AS, see if you can get him to admit that he is better at some things

than other kids, and has trouble with some things that other kids don't seem

to. There are a number of good books out there to illustrate these points.

(15) has Asperger's Huh. He recently wrote a book report on it and

wasn't shy about taking it to school. He realizes that kids with AS are not

all the same. A good time to talk about these things is when something

happens and the AS causes him to do something in a way which is not the

norm. Then you can illustrate with an immediate, real-life example.

I am thinking that there are books on juvenile diabetes and other sicknesses

kids get. Maybe talk to him about AS being like a disease, or a condition. A

very large percentage of kids have difficulties of one sort or another. They

just don't talk about them. You'd be quite surprised if you surveyed a class

.... BTW if he has been told he has ADhD, and there is negative about ADhD

that he has picked up on, this may account for his feelings. My daughter

thinks that the bad kids in class go to the office at lunch to get their

behaviour pill so that they will behave all afternoon. So the kids are kind

of branded if they get a pill at the office ... imagine what the other kids

think and say when there is an incident of any kind, like anxiety over

change ...

For the obsessing about wrongs done to him, I would look at meds. This may

help with the rituals. I am thinking OCD. Have you talked to your doctor

about that? By the way, meds for ADhD (I am thinking Ritalin, Concerta,

Methylphenidate) can worsen anxiety and make rituals worse ...

School setting, well, he doesn't have any choice in that. If you and/or the

school want to move him, he has absolutely no input. Not til he's 14 or

more. Give him plenty of time to get used to the idea of change, and

transition him slowly. Life is full of change. He MUST learn to deal with

it.

Well, you asked for it, you got it. I know it's hard. I know that the bath

ritual is going to be hard to do away with. I'm just telling you what I'd

do. Hope something I've said is helpful and I'm sure you will get lots of

suggestions and support from the list. Lots of great people here. The bath

ritual may be his way of calming himself. Is there any therapy available to

you in the way of stress therapy? You may be able to replace the one

behaviour (long bath) with another that is more suitable. has had

both one-to-one coaching on anxiety management techniques and biofeedback.

He has experience with the squeeze ball, muscle tensing and relaxation,

visual imaging, happy thoughts, etc. The overwhelming anxiety that was

interfering with his school day turned out to have been caused by noises ...

that's a whole other post ...

, by the way, had a lot of problems with change, but with intervention

and a lot of attention to it, he is doing fine now. He is 15 but his

12-yr-old sister is in charge when they are home alone, in case of

emergency. He accepts this and she gloats over it (unfortunately). He is

easily distracted and impulsive, but does not have any problems with

attention (recent psych test results).

I am sure you will hear a lot of success stories in some of the areas with

which you are having difficulty, from others on the list. Chin up!

/ 4makelas@...

Way, Way Up in Northern Ontario

May 29, 2003

> I also am from Minnesota. I am the parent of a 13 year old son who

was not

> diagnosed with AS until age 12. Because of special ed eligibility

guidelines

> in MN, his eligibility for services has been based on EBD. He also

is

> diagnosed ADHD, although as I learn more about AS I am more and

more convinced that

> the root of his challenges has always been AS.

>

> We have faced tremendous behavioral issues in the past three

months. He

> obsesses about every wrong to him (always has, but recently got

into legal trouble

> seeking his own brand of " justice " ). He recently participated in a

partial

> hospitalization treatment program, where we were told he is far

more affected

> by AS issues than I ever dreamed. Somehow, until this point he has

managed to

> get along without major problems (as teachers and parents stepped

in to make

> changes as needed).

>

> I have so many questions I am not sure I will get them all into

this one

> email. Mornings are awful - he is almost always late for school,

because he has a

> ritual which involves soaking in the tub until he feels ready to

stop. Also

> awful to wake in the a.m.

>

> I guess my biggest question right now is how to bring him " on

board " in terms

> of AS and learning to live with it? He doesn't want to hear about

it, he

> doesn't want to talk about it, he doesn't want to think that he

requires any diffe

> rent structure than before (although what we had before wasn't

working).

>

> Also, how do you handle questions about assoications with other

kids? My son

> never got into serious trouble until he started spending

significant time

> with a neighbor boy a year older. I don't know that the boy is

evil, but he has

> a reputation for being somewhat disrespectful. The police have

been called on

> my son three times when he is with this boy. My son is the one who

doesn't

> handle it well. I want to limit their contact to times when they

are

> supervised together, and my son says supervision is completely

unnecessary and I am

> just being " overprotective. "

>

> Also, the hospital said the regular classroom environment he's been

in is

> extremely stressful for him. My son is resistant to the thought of

any change.

> I suspect this is because he doesn't want to be identified

as " different. "

>

> Any input/suggestions will be greatly appreciated!

>

> Thanks in advance,

> Pat

Hi Pat,

Welcome to the board. There are a number of us on the board with

young teenage aspies. My son, , is 14 and wasn't diagnosed until

last year. In our case - and I am not alone on the board in this

regard - puberty brought out some behaviors and anxieties that could

only be controlled with medication. Up till that point, we hadn't

even considered medications. I am not a strong advocate of

medications, but I'm just sharing. My other son is almost 12 and he

is diagnosed with ADHD/Tourettes Syndrome. As he's getting older, he

is becoming more and more resistant to authority and rigid. He has

never been diagnosed ODD, but I'm sure I could get him diagnosed with

that now if we decide to take him to our other son's psyche.

I have no advice for you as to what to do about your son's problems

dealing with his diagnosis and getting into trouble with the friend.

My son has always only hung out with the really nice kids...until

they all rejected him in middle school, so now he has no friends.

And he was relieved to have the AS diagnosis. It helped him to

understand why he was different. But there are other boys on the

board who just want to be normal and don't want to hear anything

about Asperger Syndrome, so hopefully someone will help you out

there....or at least commiserate with you. And the problem with

aspies getting too friendly with the wrong kinds of kids is common at

this age too. They are very naive, and many are also desperate for

friends.

Please feel free to join in with the conversations and to ask

questions. This is a really fun and helpful group.

Kathy

May 29, 2003

Wow Pat, you've got your hands full. It was like that for me when my son was

first

diagnosed when he was 10. (He's 15 now) Maybe more so, because I couldn't leave

him

alone, not even for a minute. We dealt with the issue of interpreting every

" slight "

as a deep wrong done to him. This got better once he got into a healing

environment

where there was better supervision and teachers were used to dealing with

children

with AS. You wouldn't believe what a difference that made.

Re the bath issue, what I'd probably do is tell him the night before that he

has to

be out by a certain time, and ask him how long he wants to bathe. Then get him

up in

time for him to bathe for that amount of time, and set a timer. If he doesn't

get out

when the timer goes off, no bath the next morning.

As for the friend, I think you're absolutely justified in supervising their

visits.

And if you are not 100% certain that they're supervised at the friend's house,

make

sure that all the visits happen at your house. You can't have the police popping

over

all the time.

I don't know what kind of alternate program they're proposing for your son, but

my son

went into a special program in sixth grade and is there still, in ninth. It's

been

wonderful. He gets teased - every now and then, someone will call him " retard " .

But

the last time this happened, he cast bored looks at them and nonchalantly picked

up

his A+ math paper, which was the highest grade in the class.

Whatever program they're proposing, be sure to visit before committing to

anything. Be

sure to stay in touch,

Liz

Pmbuss2@... wrote:

> I also am from Minnesota. I am the parent of a 13 year old son who was not

> diagnosed with AS until age 12. Because of special ed eligibility guidelines

> in MN, his eligibility for services has been based on EBD. He also is

> diagnosed ADHD, although as I learn more about AS I am more and more convinced

that

> the root of his challenges has always been AS.

May 29, 2003

> Wow Pat, you've got your hands full. It was like that for me when my son

was first

> diagnosed when he was 10. ....... Maybe more so, because I couldn't leave

him> alone, not even for a minute. We dealt with the issue of interpreting

every " slight " > as a deep wrong done to him. This got better once he got

into a healing environment> where there was better supervision and teachers

were used to dealing with children with AS. You wouldn't believe what a

difference that made.>>

DITO!

> As for the friend, I think you're absolutely justified in supervising

their visits.

> And if you are not 100% certain that they're supervised at the friend's

house, make> sure that all the visits happen at your house. You can't have

the police popping over> all the time.>>

DITO

May 29, 2003

Hi Pat,

My son is 7 with AS so I can only imagine the road ahead but I thought I would

share with you what we've been told by our son's psych...We were advised that

Aspie boys (not sure about girls?) go through puberty much earlier than typical

boys and when the male hormon is released into thier brain it can make them much

more aggressive and in some cases violent. Once they start noticing thier

" different " than the other kids depression will set in..how it sets in is

different with each kid. Because of the difficulty or lack of social skills our

kids are easy to take advantage of and I would imagine find it very difficult or

impossible to read the warning signs of trouble ahead like typ teenagers.

Whether any of this is true or just our psych's philosophy I don't know but I'm

always looking for the signs. All in all the best advise I could give anyone

(even a typ teenager) is to watch them like a hawk especially if your not happy

with who their hanging with, go with your instints, I'm sure thier usually right

on and maybe seek counceling (I know I can always use it) through your school or

elsewhere to help get the family through this very difficult time...hope it

helps!

Lynn

Kathy Winters <rwinters@...> wrote: