IN SHOCK

January 13, 2003

Bert

Remember we are with you. Our prayers and thouhgts are with you and your family.

Please keep us updated. I just wish I lived close to you to so I could be of more help.

Glo

-------Original Message-------

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January 13, 2003

Oh Bert, I am sorry you have to deal with so much stress all at

once. And I know, it's easy for us to tell you 'one day at a time'

and don't waste time worrying about things you have no control of.

But when you have so many things going through your mind, sleep is

almost impossible. I know. Have recently had a million different

things going on all at once too. But the worst you have is worrying

about those babies of yours. I know too what its like with the hubby

putting it all on the back burner routine. Don't you wish some times

your mind could work like that? But as mom's we don't. Our children

are the very beating of our hearts. And when they are sick or

unhappy, we are too. We can't help it. It consumes us. We can't

think of anything else. Our hearts literally ache for them.

Both of my daughters have asthma. My oldest it is very severe. I

have spent more nights of her life awake listening to her breath -

for fear it would stop at any time. More nights than ones with

sleep. She was diagnosed at just three months old. Now she has

moved out. She has had trouble recently with it being bad again.

Now I don't sleep again. It will be o.k. I know, because she lives

with her boyfriend, and he knows how serious it is. But she is my

daughter, my baby, how do I stop? I know I never will.

But you know what I always did when they were sick? I slept with

them or near them. Spent many nights on their floor. It just

comforted me to know I would be near if something went wrong. Maybe

if you did that, or had a 'camp out' in the living room together, you

would feel less worry being near them. And of course hugging them

and holding them is always the best stress releiver.

I hope you get some sleep. I know it will be hard. Just when you

get one thing off your mind, another comes along. Then you start

making mental notes of what needs to be done tomorrow.

You know, they have those classes in high school to try to prevent

teen pregnancies. They make girls wear empathy bellies to see what

it is like being pregnant. I don't think they should do that. They

should find a way to recreate all of the stresses and worries of

raising children instead. I think they would get more results that

way. Or give each of them a teenager to be responsible for a week,

that will teach them.

Take it easy Bert, I know you can perservere. Your humor is always

strong on here, as your easy going personality. I know it will carry

you though. We are all here standing strong for you too.

Love,

CArole K

> i didn't ask enough questions, what in the hell is wrong with me.

zac's cbc is too low, one of his liver function tests was abnormal,

but i can't remember which one, not alt or ast, but something else

and one more blood test was abnormal, but what, i can't remember. he

says we don't have to worry about lukemia or another blood disease,

just yet, YET! what in the sam hell does that mean, why am i just now

catching on to that, he will be having surgery for the growth on the

outside of his head, that's infected now, doc put him on a med for

it, but they will have no idea what it is until they remove it then

send it our for testing, but that isn't until march. my baby alex's

lump that's inside his neck will be removed and biopsied too because

it's not going away, i am scared to death. brandon, my oldest has to

have more labs because his cholesterol was high before, so a recheck

is in order, plus he will do the same labs on him that he did on zac,

oh let them be normal. meanwhile brandon has tonsilitis, the 4th

time this year, so he has to have his tonsils out, i am going nuts, i

can't do this, it's too much, then of course i am sick, plus my doc

tells me i'll lose 50 percent mobility in my left hand and wrist with

in a year, from my bicycle accident last sept. i am already in pain

24/7 now from my fibro, and my injury, and to worry so much about my

kids, it's just too much, i am going to really lose it here. i can't

believe i left the office without asking more questions about

zachary, it just hit me like a ton of bricks! when i left i had to

run errands, pick up scripts, rush home make supper, get kids in bed,

and here i am feeling like a terrible mom because he said lukemia,

cancer and not yet in the same sentence and i didn't say

anything?????? alex was screaming, hates the doc, zac starts crying

cuz the doc is talking about him having surgery, i can't do all this

alone, i am gonna crack, to top it off, now i have to wait until

first thing in the morning, ask the doc exactly what he meant by what

he said about zac, now i'll worry all damn night. my hubby is

absolutely no help, he just puts it on the back burner and don't

think about it again, it's my job, i don't remember getting pregnant

by myself. my 2 yr old, my 8 year old, and my 15 yr old having

surgery at the same time, in the same year?????? i can't deal with

this, i am crying so much i am so scared, why are my kids so

unhealthy, i feed them right, did everything i was supposed to while

pregnant, what is going on here??????? is God punishing me by making

my kids sick, i feel my faith slipping away from me right now, i

haven't felt that way since my daughter died 11 yrs ago, i am worried

sick, and alex has the flu! bert.

January 14, 2003

Bert, I am so sorry you are going through this rougha nd worrisome

time.

It's so hard to cope when our kids are ill and wouldn't we just give

anything to make it better.

Although I only have one, I have been scared witless and had my full

share of waiting in hospitals etc. for results or improvements. Once

they sent me up to the top of the building so I would not have to

hear my 6 months old scream during the examination.

This is what I send you for a little calm and next to the serenity

prayer Jerry mentioned, it has kept me going and getting better many,

many times:

If there is a solution to a problem, why worry. If there is no

solution, worry will get you absolutely nowhere.

And remember: kids are sturdy and strong, no matter how ill they are.

When mine was 10 she got the measles (long story why she could not

have a vaccine) and on day seven of high fever she looked at me and

said in this tiny clear voice: " I suppose I've got to go through this

to get better. " And when I nodded she said " I'll do my best. "

Don't panic, things will work out!

Love,

Sophie