Re: My husband does not get it sometimes

[Guest guest]

In a message dated 6/6/03 9:39:54 AM Eastern Daylight Time,

mlndhall@... writes:

> I know when we first got the diagnosis for our son (he

> was 9 at the time and he's almost 11,) it was very

> difficult for my dh to accept. Afterall, it was HIS

> SON! There was a part of him that took it so

> personally, that he blamed himself for being

> that way. (And it could be, but that issue is neither

> here nor there. It won't change the fact that he has

> AS.) Men are raised with all these standards of being

> a man, and I think to have a child, especially their

> son-who is supposed to be like them, is hard to grasp.

> I know my husband wants my son to be normal. It has

> taken him a long time to accept the diagnosis, but he

> still thinks is going to be able to " beat

> this " . He really wants to take away any unkindness or

> struggles will have because of this. And he

> thinks the only way that can be done is to make him

> " normal " . I have seen so many kids having done

> daycare, and to me, my son is just as " normal " as a

> lot of kids I've seen. It's just how you see things.

>

>

<sigh> This sounds SOOOO familiar! My ex's take on this is that I am

" enabling " , and that HIS goal is for to no longer need either meds

or

therapy. Well, YEAH, BUT!!!!--- what if that doesn't happen? Does that make

him

less of a person?

GRRRRRRRRRRR!

Connie

[Guest guest]

Kate,

Is he open to reading anything about AS? Maybe something short? Its hard

for some people to realize that their child is different than the norm and

sometimes it takes longer. My dh was oblivious to my concerns because he just

didn't see it and frankly, hadn't been around kids enough to see any

differences.

Now that we have another son 2 yrs younger, he is seeing how development is

supposed to occur. Also, having the doctor say that something neurological is

going on was a big light bulb for him.

Maybe you could tell him routines make your son feel comfortable just like

the military routines make them feel more comfortable....wish I had more ideas.

Hang in there,

Johanna

[Guest guest]

Kate,

I don't go through this with my dh, but I do go through this with my in-laws. My

father-in-law believes that any adult ought to be able to give a command and

ought to obey it instantly. He is obviously unhappy with , and

thinks that and I have done a poor job of raising him. All I can do is

defend him when fil gets started. (Yes, I've handed him the " grandparents "

article and a few others, besides. He doesn't buy 'em.) So I just say something

like, " We don't talk about kids that way in this house. " LOL And he usually

responds with, " Gee, you seem angry with me. " Then I say, " I just don't like the

way you were treating just now. You miss out on a great kid when you do

that. " blah blah...

Liz

OD wrote:

> Hi everyone, I have been a member of this group for a while and I

> need a little advice/help. My 10 y.o. son was diagnosed with

> aspergers 10/01 about a month and 1/2 after he had undergone

> extensive brain surgery. My husband, who was a naval chief petty

> officer for twenty years, truly vexes me at times. I am working with

> ryan at home and we have little routines that we do during the day as

> I am a stay at home mom at present. What happened last nite, and

> what has been happening quite often, is that I had to run out for a

> few hours. I get home and my husband is rolling his eyes as usual

> and is totally frustrated with ryan. This happens about 90% of the

> time. I asked what happened and my husband prepared ryan a little

> ice cream cone for a snack and ryan wanted a second one. my husband

> said no. I tried explaining to the hubby that ryan always has two of

> these ice cream cones because they are so little. it is something

> that ryan is used to, sort of like a daily ritual. Two ice cream

> cones for a snack.

>

> My husband feels that when he says no that that should be it, no

> arguing from our son. But if ryan is used to that routine, it was

> hard for him to break it. I explained to the hubby that i think ryan

> was upset because he changed ryan's routine, not that ryan was trying

> to be disrespectful. My husband feels that he should just bark out

> commands and ryan should listen. I swear that he completely forgets

> that his son has aspergers. I told Jim that he should attend parent

> training with me this summer and he outright refuses. I am

> frustrated because sometimes I feel like I am alone in this with no

> support from my husband. Maybe I would just be better off being a

> single mom because i am so tired of being around a person that just

> does not understand and has no interest in further helping his son

> get through this.

>

> Has any one else gone through this or is anyone experiencing a same

> dilemma? Any suggestions would be greatly appreciated. Thank you.

> Peace & light. Kate

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

Kate,

I was married to a man like that. I divorced him. More was involved

though. However he was Navy. Your dh is use to the orders given,

orders followed. In his defense though it might not hurt to be

exposed to his Dad's way of thinking. After all the world will not

stop for his Aspergers. At some point and to some extent depending on

the individual child and their abilities they do need to learn to

handle not getting their way. Easier said than done, of course. I

find myself wanting to make their life easier no matter what, but at

the same time wanting them to learn to adapt to the nonautistic world

as much as possible. That's why I constantly debate each

modification. Again I think I want to make my son's life easier, but

I don't want to make it too easy. Does that make sense? I don't want

the disability to be a crutch. And yet I'm the first to defend my

child. His disability does need to be taken into account. It's

another hard line to draw. I do think your dh could benefit from

either counseling or atleast researching Aspergers more fully. Also I

hope your differences in parenting can be combined to reach a

comfortable medium.

a

[Guest guest]

--- In , " rybabysmom " < I

> find myself wanting to make their life easier no matter what, but

at

> the same time wanting them to learn to adapt to the nonautistic

world

> as much as possible. That's why I constantly debate each

> modification. Again I think I want to make my son's life easier,

but

> I don't want to make it too easy. Does that make sense? I don't

want

> the disability to be a crutch. And yet I'm the first to defend my

> child. His disability does need to be taken into account. It's

> another hard line to draw. I do think your dh could benefit from

> either counseling or atleast researching Aspergers more fully. Also

I

> hope your differences in parenting can be combined to reach a

> comfortable medium.

>

> a

a,

It certainly makes sense to me. I find myself in the same boat a lot

of the time. I want to help him to function in these stressful

environments, but I also need him to learn how to live in the real

world. It is a difficult balancing act that we do. Just bare in

mind that many kids like ours that have gone undiagnosed in the past

have grown up to have lives far less fulfilling than they could have

because no one accomodated them at all. There has to be a way to

raise them that recognizes and allows for their differences while

still teaching them how to function in society, at least to the

extent that they can hold a job (in their area of interest) and live

independantly. For some, marriage and family is even a possibility.

Kathy

[Guest guest]

Kathy,

Thanks for your reply. I was worried that I'd offend someone. I was

having trouble wording my thoughts. I had hoped it came out in the

way I meant. Atleast you seemed to understand. And that's the balance

I strive to find each day. I sure wish I knew how well I was doing.

Some days I don't know up from down.

a

Just bare in

> mind that many kids like ours that have gone undiagnosed in the

past

> have grown up to have lives far less fulfilling than they could

have

> because no one accomodated them at all. There has to be a way to

> raise them that recognizes and allows for their differences while

> still teaching them how to function in society, at least to the

> extent that they can hold a job (in their area of interest) and

live

> independantly. For some, marriage and family is even a possibility.

>

> Kathy

[Guest guest]

a, what a great letter!

/ 4makelas@...

Way, Way Up in Northern Ontario

----- Original Message -----

From: " rybabysmom " <rybabysmom@...>

> I was married to a man like that. I divorced him. More was involved

> though. However he was Navy. Your dh is use to the orders given,

> orders followed. In his defense though it might not hurt to be

> exposed to his Dad's way of thinking. After all the world will not

> stop for his Aspergers. At some point and to some extent depending on

> the individual child and their abilities they do need to learn to

> handle not getting their way. Easier said than done, of course. I

> find myself wanting to make their life easier no matter what, but at

> the same time wanting them to learn to adapt to the nonautistic world

> as much as possible. That's why I constantly debate each

> modification. Again I think I want to make my son's life easier, but

> I don't want to make it too easy. Does that make sense? I don't want

> the disability to be a crutch. And yet I'm the first to defend my

> child. His disability does need to be taken into account. It's

> another hard line to draw. I do think your dh could benefit from

> either counseling or atleast researching Aspergers more fully. Also I

> hope your differences in parenting can be combined to reach a

> comfortable medium.

[Guest guest]

>

> I was worried that I'd offend someone. I was

> having trouble wording my thoughts. I had hoped it came out in the

> way I meant.

No offense taken here, I too go back and forth on this

issue. On one hand I get accused of being overprotective quite a bit

by certain family members and the school and even on a few listservs

that I belong to. But at my house I seem to be the one who is the

hardest on her with my husband being the pushover and slave to Miss

Lane. Here lately I keep reminding her that we are not going to do

anything for her that she is able to do herself. I also refuse to

take her lip and when she gets upset with me she mocks me thus

sending me over the edge so there have been some doozies in this

house. ( Those make me feel very guilty ) Another issue I don't back

down on is leaving the house ( going out in public ).....unless it is

to Mc's or the movie theater she does not want to leave the

house. It happened tonight as I happened to get off work early ( 5:00

and this happens seldom ) and since I don't have a day off until next

week at this point I wanted to go out to dinner and perhaps shop a

little. She dug her heels in but I made her go, it was not easy but

she is NOT the only one living in this house so it was the, " I don't

care,we are the parents and we say you are going lecture. " We have

always taken her everywhere with us since the age of two weeks and I

truly feel at this point that it may be one reason that she is more

outgoing than many AS kids.

[Guest guest]

> Kathy,

>

> Thanks for your reply. I was worried that I'd offend someone. I was

> having trouble wording my thoughts. I had hoped it came out in the

> way I meant. Atleast you seemed to understand. And that's the

balance

> I strive to find each day. I sure wish I knew how well I was doing.

> Some days I don't know up from down.

>

> a

Oh, you're welcome. And you expressed it very well. We do have the

difficult challenge of trying to get them support and understanding

while at the same time teaching them how to live in the world. The

danger of overly authoritarian parents or teachers is that they don't

understand or support. They just expect the kids to react like

everybody else - and they respond with anger and punishment when they

don't. That can do more harm than good, IMO. And as for knowing how

you're doing, I guess it will be years before any of us know that.

Speaking of crutches, back in November, I ended a friendship of 13

years because this friend asked me (in an email - long distance

relationship) if I ever wondered if " all the attention has

gotten over the years has created a crutch for him. " She also

proceeded to tell me about her personal experience with kids in her

children's school who make excuses like " I'm dyslexic. " I tried to

tell her that I felt hurt by her comments, and to educate her in as

not confrontational a way possible. But she just got defensive and

started attacking me, accusing me of being overly sensitive and

needing only friends who have kids like , so I won't be offended

by the things they say.

The point is, I tried to explain to her that I have struggled with

the issue of how much is too much and how much is not enough for

years. And that she wasn't telling me any great insight (as she

clearly thought she was). On the contrary, as a parent of a child

with special needs, I was acutely...painfully... aware of it. And

that there was no way I had given him so much attention that, at 14

years old, the school would decide to give a full time aide to him

because he's been so coddled over the years. I didn't coddle him.

If anything - not knowing that he had Asperger Syndrome - I was like

you - I questioned every accomodation and didn't push for too much.

The IEP has grown significantly over the last year, however. But it

is in response to witnessing my son begin to have an emotional

breakdown. But even with that, I still tell the school to push him

on certain issues. We do walk a fine line and none of us really know

when we cross it in either direction. I was hurt because she was

implying that the need for an aide had come about because I have over-

protected him and expected too little of him. That wasn't the

reason. The reason was because he has Asperger Syndrome and is also

highly intelligent and - because he has Asperger Syndrome (not

because I over-protected him) he needs extra support in the

mainstream classroom. Obviously this is a hard choice. Obviously it

makes him look " different " as she pointed out. But he already looked

different when he had meltdown after meltdown in the classrooms

because the regular ed teachers didn't have the time or experience to

be able to give him the individual attention he needs. But I have to

emphasize that she ended the friendship. I just tried to express my

feelings and educate her. She had a right to ask, but I also had a

right to tell her that I felt hurt and to explain what it's like to

live with and parent this child. She couldn't handle that. She felt

very threatened by my reaction. She couldn't even put her ego aside

long enough to read the material I emailed her before she shot off

her email ending our friendship - and this was a very close

friendship at one time. I haven't heard from her since, and I don't

expect that I ever will. I certainly have no intention of getting in

touch with her. Hopefully at some point she will realize the mistake

she made and the friendship that she threw away. But I have moved

on. But it wasn't because of the " crutch " word. It was because of

her closed mind. I have another friend that asked me once, in the

midst of my getting his IEP in third grade, " At what point does

have to take responsibility for his behavior? " She asked it

tactfully and with great sensitivity to my feelings. She was right

and I have always held that thought in the back of my mind. When

it's all said and done, we can understand and we can care, and we can

accomodate, and we can teach. And then they have to decide for

themselves - do I want to make my life work or not? We can't make

that decision for them - or for anyone.

The way I've always put it is - give him a crutch, not a wheelchair.

So, I see the crutch as necessary, but we have to keep them moving on

their own too. Bottom line is, although we express it differently,

we are both struggling with the same issue.

Kathy

[Guest guest]

In a message dated 6/9/03 2:43:16 PM Eastern Daylight Time,

wsotis@... writes:

> YES! I have one of these at home too. And I also have 3 yr old

> triplets with HFA! So you can imagine how frustrating this can be

> for everyone concerned. DH doesn't want to know anything about the

> kids' diagnoses, about doctor appts, about therapies, about

> evaluations, about schedules or routines. Refuses to read one scrap

> of paper about autism. If I go out he refuses to brush them, even

> though he's been trained to do it. He tells everyone what they want

> to hear. When I was upset that yet another doctor confirmed the

> kids' dx, he said " Well, what are you upset about? It's so obvious! "

> then a few days later I overheard him telling his father that he

> doesn't believe a word of it! He just can't understand why the kids

> don't listen to him when he tells them to do something. Can't

> understand why I didn't want to have an overwhelming party for their

> birthday, even tho they freak with a crowd - and stupidly I'm giving

> in to all the pressure (this coming Sunday). I can go on and on.

>

>

That's so awful! I don;t want to get into your personal business, but I

always have to question whether living with somebody with that attitude towards

their problem makes their lives WORSE in the long run. I KNOW that 's

dad's attitude towards his Aspergers has caused possibly irreparable harm to his

self esteem, and definitely to their relationship. I wish he could be LESS in

his life than he is. <sigh>

Connie

[Guest guest]

Kate,

YES! I have one of these at home too. And I also have 3 yr old

triplets with HFA! So you can imagine how frustrating this can be

for everyone concerned. DH doesn't want to know anything about the

kids' diagnoses, about doctor appts, about therapies, about

evaluations, about schedules or routines. Refuses to read one scrap

of paper about autism. If I go out he refuses to brush them, even

though he's been trained to do it. He tells everyone what they want

to hear. When I was upset that yet another doctor confirmed the

kids' dx, he said " Well, what are you upset about? It's so obvious! "

then a few days later I overheard him telling his father that he

doesn't believe a word of it! He just can't understand why the kids

don't listen to him when he tells them to do something. Can't

understand why I didn't want to have an overwhelming party for their

birthday, even tho they freak with a crowd - and stupidly I'm giving

in to all the pressure (this coming Sunday). I can go on and on.

Thanks so much for letting me vent...this has been building for a

while.

Kids are waking up from their nap now - gotta run!

Wendi

[Guest guest]

> My husband feels that when he says no that that should be it, no

>arguing from our son. But if ryan is used to that routine, it was

>hard for him to break it. I explained to the hubby that i think

>ryan was upset because he changed ryan's routine, not that ryan was

>trying to be disrespectful. My husband feels that he should just

>bark out commands and ryan should listen. I swear that he

>completely forgets that his son has aspergers.>>>>>>>>>>>>

Hello Kate,

Sometimes my husband is like this and thinks that our son should

just go with the flow/program. I try very hard to get my dh to

listen and he thinks that as you say barking out commands will make

my son do as told will work well wrong oh. I am also a stay at home

mom and have these little rituals that we do and dh doesn't like to

do them. I think that dh is in denial but then I sometimes just wish

that my son was typical but then I remember that my son is having a

hard time with all of this and it just breaks my heart. So that is

when I say to myself, " quit being selfish and be understanding as to

what J is dealing with " . And this makes things easier at least for

me.

>Maybe I would just be better off being a single mom because i am so

>tired of being around a person that just does not understand and has

>no interest in further helping his son get through this.>>>>>>>>>.

No you just have to hang in there and one day he will see the light.

It is really difficult when the other doesn't want to understand and

makes it hard to function as a family. We are having that problem

here as my son wants his daddy all the time and my dh says that he

can't get anything done. I have even told dh that he needs to

include his son in the things that he is doing, like yardwork(not

mowing the lawn as J is to young) but others things that need to be

done in the yard. Oh course J thinks that things should go where he

feels that they should go and not always in a good spot, lol. But

that is ok with me. Well yesterday I see that dh is having J help

him and what they are doing is that J is showing his dad how to make

a website. Oh yes and just so that you know my son will be 8 yrs old

in 12 days.

If you want to you can email me privately and we can chat.

Marj mom to J who is dx'd w/a speech delay, mild apraxia, SI,

Aspergers/PDD-nos get the test results this month and

S who is almost 4 1/2 yrs old and talks like a 12 yr old.