Re: Has anyone told their child they have AS?

[Guest guest]

In a message dated 4/20/03 6:02:50 PM Eastern Daylight Time, dmas70@...

writes:

> My husband feels the best course of action is to tell our son he

> has Asperger's and that's why he is different. He feels this would

> actually be a weight off our sons shoulders to finally have a reason

> for things. I am not so sure. I worry that if we tell him and it's a

> mistake, we can't take it back. My son tries so hard to fit in and he

> is such a sweet person I couldn't bear to cause him anymore grief by

> making the wrong choice.

>

If he is so miserable, I think your husband is right and you need to explain

it to him right away. The more he begins to understand, the more he can

learn ways to modify behaviors to get along with others.

Another thing to consider is to get some help with both play skills and also

social skills. These will both help him interact with other!

Roxanna ô¿ô

Autism Happens...

[Guest guest]

Darlene,

My son has always known about his AS, but my best friend's son has ADHD, and

I know that when she told him, he was VERY relieved to find out it wasn't

his fault. It made him feel much better about himself to know there was a

reason for the things he did. You know your child best, and whatever you

think his reaction will be, you are probably right.

Good luck.

Tammy

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[Guest guest]

My son is just now learning about AS. If my fears are true with my 4yr old and

he may have it as well, I want him to know immediately all he can understand

about it. 's nervousness has increased to the point where he will walk

around biting his fingernails constantly. Many times I have seen him sitting on

the couch biting his toenails as well--yes I know GROSS.

MISSY

SAHM of MANY

April is Autism Awareness Month!!

Become aware of our special kids!!

Excuse Me While I Go

Raise Tomorrow's Future.

Re: ( ) Has anyone told their child they have AS?

Darlene,

My son has always known about his AS, but my best friend's son has ADHD, and

I know that when she told him, he was VERY relieved to find out it wasn't

his fault. It made him feel much better about himself to know there was a

reason for the things he did. You know your child best, and whatever you

think his reaction will be, you are probably right.

Good luck.

Tammy

---

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[Guest guest]

well kate always knew but she didn't always understand what it means... we

found out when Kate was in 2nd grade. We looked it up and we discuss it w/

her and we discuss the positives and the negatives and why we do things that

are not like other people to help her learn how to live but we have evolved

the discussion over time to be mroe complex as she gets older. she's

approaching 13 now so her issues are different, but we try to keep it

positive that she is always going to be the sort that doesn't see things the

way the rest of the world does. it's an ongoing discussion for us to help

her understnad what's going on and why we have all this therapy and

sturcture and why she has a tough time with peers and and and and...

( ) Has anyone told their child they have AS?

>

>

> I am mostly a lurker here. I learn and write things down and

> discuss it with my husband. This post has been a wonderful source of

> help for me thus far. I am hoping you can help me with a problem.

> We have been mulling over the idea of sitting our son down and

> trying to explain to him about Asperger's. He is 7 now and very

> bright. He has also been having a lot of trouble understanding why

> kids dont want to play with him or why they act the way they do. We

> watch him struggle and scream in the kids faces " Why dont you like

> me? " We watch him cry and look confused and my heart breaks.

> My husband feels the best course of action is to tell our son he

> has Asperger's and that's why he is different. He feels this would

> actually be a weight off our sons shoulders to finally have a reason

> for things. I am not so sure. I worry that if we tell him and it's a

> mistake, we can't take it back. My son tries so hard to fit in and he

> is such a sweet person I couldn't bear to cause him anymore grief by

> making the wrong choice.

> Does anyone have any personal experience with telling their child?

> Or maybe with not telling and why they chose not to? I could really

> use some insight and different points of view on this one.

>

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

Hi Darlene,

This is mom to who is 11 yrs with AS. A year ago when was 10

we told her about AS. You may ask why did we wait so long? Well, up

until last year never even noticed that the kids didn't want anything to do with

her. My mom used to call it a blessing. It hurt me so much to see them slight

her but she didn't notice then. Last year was when she did realize and i felt

she needed to know about what was going on and have her know that it wasn't her

fault that they treated her like that.

I must add though, that since I have told her about her dx, she seems to use it

sometimes as a crutch for not doing things she dislikes. Anything that requires

running or movement she will just say you know I can't do things like that. I

have a disability myself (blind in one eye and brain damage) so I do get upset

with her for using her dx to avoid things at times. I feel a disability

shouldn't stop you from anything.

So I feel it is a good thing she knows but also sometimes a hindrance.

( ) Has anyone told their child they have AS?

I am mostly a lurker here. I learn and write things down and

discuss it with my husband. This post has been a wonderful source of

help for me thus far. I am hoping you can help me with a problem.

We have been mulling over the idea of sitting our son down and

trying to explain to him about Asperger's. He is 7 now and very

bright. He has also been having a lot of trouble understanding why

kids dont want to play with him or why they act the way they do. We

watch him struggle and scream in the kids faces " Why dont you like

me? " We watch him cry and look confused and my heart breaks.

My husband feels the best course of action is to tell our son he

has Asperger's and that's why he is different. He feels this would

actually be a weight off our sons shoulders to finally have a reason

for things. I am not so sure. I worry that if we tell him and it's a

mistake, we can't take it back. My son tries so hard to fit in and he

is such a sweet person I couldn't bear to cause him anymore grief by

making the wrong choice.

Does anyone have any personal experience with telling their child?

Or maybe with not telling and why they chose not to? I could really

use some insight and different points of view on this one.

[Guest guest]

No I have not told my son that he has this. I have also heard that

you should wait and tell them when they as about why they are

different. I am not sure when I will tell my 7 yrs old as I really

don't think he cares as he has not asked yet.

Marj

[Guest guest]

Of course, he

decided that he had the newest operating system and

most people still operated on windows 98.

>>

Gee, I think I hear a little dash of Aspie arrogance there- LOL. My son

would have said the exact same thing I am sure... LOL.

My guy, like I said previously, has always just known what was going on with

him, and when I shared the diagnosis with him when we finally got it, he

said, yeah, I figured that's what it was. I'm like and Liam( is

Connie's oldest, and Liam is a friend from the AS friends list whose mother

I know from another list), and they're all right, so I will be all

right.(Gee, Connie, don't you wish Nick could convince BRIAN of that- LOL)

He doesn't see Asperger's as an obstacle at all, he sees it as part of his

" culture " like being half Cuban and being male. I think I am glad he has

such a sense of " self " . I hope that means I have done something right.

Love

Tammy

[Guest guest]

Hi,

My 2cents is to tell him since he obviously is aware that other kids

don't want to be friends. Then you can take it from there and teach

him good social skills, conversational skills, how to play, etc. You

know him best but to explain to him WHY he is having these problems

might make it easier for him than just trying to teach him without

a " reason " behind it.

Now my son is 14 and I've always suspected Aspergers (but diagnosed

HFA)and took him in Feb. to get evaluated. He doesn't have any

friends and hasn't had a hard time with the lack of it, at least it

doesn't show. When the subject is brought up, he can get defensive,

say he has friends, etc. However, he's not out there trying to make

friends as your son is. I've been waiting for the actual written

report with his diagnosis and then I'll decide if I talk to him about

it. But when I took him each time to the center for evaluation and

he saw the word " autism " he says " I'm not autistic!! " Hmmmm....I'm

not sure what I'll do at this point. But I'll point out that he is

much older than your son and if he were 7 and noticing problems with

other kids, I'd tell him why. I do know that.

>

>

> I am mostly a lurker here. I learn and write things down and

> discuss it with my husband. This post has been a wonderful source

of

> help for me thus far. I am hoping you can help me with a problem.

> We have been mulling over the idea of sitting our son down and

> trying to explain to him about Asperger's. He is 7 now and very

> bright. He has also been having a lot of trouble understanding why

> kids dont want to play with him or why they act the way they do. We

> watch him struggle and scream in the kids faces " Why dont you like

[Guest guest]

In a message dated 4/21/03 9:51:27 AM Eastern Daylight Time,

snowyowlstar@... writes:

> I'm like and Liam( is

> Connie's oldest, and Liam is a friend from the AS friends list whose mother

> I know from another list), and they're all right, so I will be all

> right.(Gee, Connie, don't you wish Nick could convince BRIAN of that- LOL)

> He doesn't see Asperger's as an obstacle at all, he sees it as part of his

> " culture " like being half Cuban and being male. I think I am glad he has

> such a sense of " self " . I hope that means I have done something right.

>

Uh, yeah I DO! sometimes wears it as a badge of courage. He doesn't

like the other kids to know, but he will tell adults that he has Aspergers.

And yes, it DOES become an excuse for him. Of course, part of THAT problem

is dad TELLING him that it's just an excuse. Now, dad is telling him that he

is " chemically dependant " because of his meds. Our " goal " is to help him no

longer NEED " drugs " . Or counseling. <sigh>

Anyone know some Italian guys? LOL

Connie

[Guest guest]

In a message dated 4/21/03 6:32:35 PM Eastern Daylight Time,

snowyowlstar@... writes:

> I think MIKE needs drugs and counseling!

>

Isn't it AMAZING that he just can't see that NEEDS his medication?

That would be like telling him our goal is for you to no longer need insulin.

But since only is with him a couple days a month, and tries SO

hard to stay under control, he just doesnt see it. It must be something I'M

doing....

He's never seen one of 's MAJOR meltdowns. And if he DOES get hyper, he

gets told to stop acting STOOpid.

My goal is for Mike to no longer need to be slapped upside the head. NOT

optimistic about ever meeting this goal.....

Connie

[Guest guest]

In a message dated 4/21/03 6:41:16 PM Eastern Daylight Time,

snowyowlstar@... writes:

> I hope Mike gets himself a clue one of these days.

>

I keep telling him that Toys R Us sells it cheap at Christmas! LOL (Clue)

Maybe I'll have to buy it for him!

Connie

[Guest guest]

<<<> My husband feels the best course of action is to tell our son he

> has Asperger's and that's why he is different. He feels this would

> actually be a weight off our sons shoulders to finally have a reason

> for things. I am not so sure. I worry that if we tell him and it's a

> mistake, we can't take it back.>>

we did not tell him he has AS from the start. we told him that he has a

unique way of thinking that most of the time gives him great ideas and

sometimes it gets him into trouble because it is hard for him to understand

how others think, and for others to understand how he thinks. later he

himself self-dx with AS after reading a booklet on AS...

At first it was indeed a weight off his shoulder. FINALLY he had an

explanation to why it is so hard for him despite all his good intentions. He

FINALLY felt there was a name to his difficulties, and it wasn't a bad name

like " crazy " or " stupid " .

nowadays he is angry at the Dx, trying very hard to " be like everyone else "

and learning that he can act like everyone else, but not be like everyone

else.

and that is ok. it is part of the process he has to go through.

<<<My son tries so hard to fit in and he

> is such a sweet person I couldn't bear to cause him anymore grief by

> making the wrong choice.>>>

you don't have to tell him it is AS, you can call it a " different way of

thinking " or " a different way your brain is wired " etc. or depending on

your child's understanding.

in our case, it ended up that by the time we went for a formal dx, our son

had an active part in his dx process - but he is 10.

As bright as he was when he was 7 I probably would have not called it AS

yet....

[Guest guest]

In a message dated 4/21/03 6:41:16 PM Eastern Daylight Time,

snowyowlstar@... writes:

> He could probably save you both and a LOT of

> problems if he would try to accept his son as he is. If felt accepted

> by his own FATHER, maybe he would feel better about himself

I think a lot of it has to do with his own family. I don't think HE felt

" accepted " . I know I heard once that his mom took the other kids on a trip

and left him home. I have heard he was a bit a a " behavior " problem as a

teen.

His mom always says that he's trying to help compensate because he

remembers how hard HE had it. Like it's helping.... What he's REALLY doing

to trying to FORCE into a particular set of behaviors. It's not going

to work. He gets so stressed at just the idea, that he gets little if

anything out of his visits.

Connie

[Guest guest]

<<<> My son came home from school one day and asked me if

> he had a little bit of autism. >

it really depends so much on your own kid.

My son was 2 when he first said to me very seriously " I am not like the

other kids " , and we have been discussing these differences ever since. until

he was dx (see previous post).

Probably the main thing to remember is to tell when the kid is ready.

Fania

[Guest guest]

Connie,

I think MIKE needs drugs and counseling!

Love

Tammy

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[Guest guest]

My goal is for Mike to no longer need to be slapped upside the head. NOT

optimistic about ever meeting this goal.....

Connie

<<

What an a****** he is Connie. Can't he see that this isn't something

is doing, but who he IS? He could probably save you both and a LOT of

problems if he would try to accept his son as he is. If felt accepted

by his own FATHER, maybe he would feel better about himself, and some of the

behaviors would magically disappear... amazing how that sometimes happens...

I hope Mike gets himself a clue one of these days.

Love

Tammy

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[Guest guest]

yeah my ex is that way too

Re: ( ) Has anyone told their child they have AS?

> My goal is for Mike to no longer need to be slapped upside the head. NOT

> optimistic about ever meeting this goal.....

>

> Connie

> <<

> What an a****** he is Connie. Can't he see that this isn't something

> is doing, but who he IS? He could probably save you both and a LOT

of

> problems if he would try to accept his son as he is. If felt

accepted

> by his own FATHER, maybe he would feel better about himself, and some of

the

> behaviors would magically disappear... amazing how that sometimes

happens...

> I hope Mike gets himself a clue one of these days.

> Love

> Tammy

>

>

> ---

> Outgoing mail is certified Virus Free.

> Checked by AVG anti-virus system (http://www.grisoft.com).

> Version: 6.0.474 / Virus Database: 272 - Release Date: 4/18/03

>

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

do these knuckleheads all read from teh same script or somethin'?!?!?!

Kate's dad and his knows everything 22 year old wife give me that crap all

the time! I'm glad this discussion came up because they were starting to

wear me down again

Re: ( ) Has anyone told their child they have AS?

> In a message dated 4/21/03 9:51:27 AM Eastern Daylight Time,

> snowyowlstar@... writes:

>

> > I'm like and Liam( is

> > Connie's oldest, and Liam is a friend from the AS friends list whose

mother

> > I know from another list), and they're all right, so I will be all

> > right.(Gee, Connie, don't you wish Nick could convince BRIAN of that-

LOL)

> > He doesn't see Asperger's as an obstacle at all, he sees it as part of

his

> > " culture " like being half Cuban and being male. I think I am glad he has

> > such a sense of " self " . I hope that means I have done something right.

> >

>

> Uh, yeah I DO! sometimes wears it as a badge of courage. He

doesn't

> like the other kids to know, but he will tell adults that he has

Aspergers.

> And yes, it DOES become an excuse for him. Of course, part of THAT

problem

> is dad TELLING him that it's just an excuse. Now, dad is telling him that

he

> is " chemically dependant " because of his meds. Our " goal " is to help him

no

> longer NEED " drugs " . Or counseling. <sigh>

>

> Anyone know some Italian guys? LOL

>

> Connie

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

My AS girl also bites her finger and toe nails. Does anyone know how to

get rid of warts on the fingers, because over the counter medication that

I've tried on my girl has not worked.

Theresa

On Sun, 20 Apr 2003 21:28:14 -0400 " Missy Feldhaus "

<itchy10@...> writes:

> My son is just now learning about AS. If my fears are true with my

> 4yr old and he may have it as well, I want him to know immediately

> all he can understand about it. 's nervousness has increased

> to the point where he will walk around biting his fingernails

> constantly. Many times I have seen him sitting on the couch biting

> his toenails as well--yes I know GROSS.

> MISSY

> SAHM of MANY

>

> April is Autism Awareness Month!!

> Become aware of our special kids!!

>

> Excuse Me While I Go

> Raise Tomorrow's Future.

> Re: ( ) Has anyone told their child they

> have AS?

>

>

> Darlene,

> My son has always known about his AS, but my best friend's son has

> ADHD, and

> I know that when she told him, he was VERY relieved to find out it

> wasn't

> his fault. It made him feel much better about himself to know

> there was a

> reason for the things he did. You know your child best, and

> whatever you

> think his reaction will be, you are probably right.

> Good luck.

> Tammy

>

>

> ---

> Outgoing mail is certified Virus Free.

> Checked by AVG anti-virus system (http://www.grisoft.com).

> Version: 6.0.474 / Virus Database: 272 - Release Date: 4/18/03

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

Darlene,

I found a book in the Library about explaining to children (both with and

without AS) about Aspergers. My AS son was uninterested.. my daughter knows

he's different but doesn't think he's handicapped as referenced in the book.

So much for trying. Good luck and be prepared for him not to understand that

that is him.

in NJ

( ) Has anyone told their child they have AS?

I am mostly a lurker here. I learn and write things down and

discuss it with my husband. This post has been a wonderful source of

help for me thus far. I am hoping you can help me with a problem.

We have been mulling over the idea of sitting our son down and

trying to explain to him about Asperger's. He is 7 now and very

bright. He has also been having a lot of trouble understanding why

kids dont want to play with him or why they act the way they do. We

watch him struggle and scream in the kids faces " Why dont you like

me? " We watch him cry and look confused and my heart breaks.

My husband feels the best course of action is to tell our son he

has Asperger's and that's why he is different. He feels this would

actually be a weight off our sons shoulders to finally have a reason

for things. I am not so sure. I worry that if we tell him and it's a

mistake, we can't take it back. My son tries so hard to fit in and he

is such a sweet person I couldn't bear to cause him anymore grief by

making the wrong choice.

Does anyone have any personal experience with telling their child?

Or maybe with not telling and why they chose not to? I could really

use some insight and different points of view on this one.

[Guest guest]

Believe it or not duct tape over the wart works! I have tried it and it worked

for me! Barbara

<@...> wrote:My AS girl also bites her finger

and toe nails. Does anyone know how to

get rid of warts on the fingers, because over the counter medication that

I've tried on my girl has not worked.

Theresa

On Sun, 20 Apr 2003 21:28:14 -0400 " Missy Feldhaus "

<itchy10@...> writes:

> My son is just now learning about AS. If my fears are true with my

> 4yr old and he may have it as well, I want him to know immediately

> all he can understand about it. 's nervousness has increased

> to the point where he will walk around biting his fingernails

> constantly. Many times I have seen him sitting on the couch biting

> his toenails as well--yes I know GROSS.

> MISSY

> SAHM of MANY

>

> April is Autism Awareness Month!!

> Become aware of our special kids!!

>

> Excuse Me While I Go

> Raise Tomorrow's Future.

> Re: ( ) Has anyone told their child they

> have AS?

>

>

> Darlene,

> My son has always known about his AS, but my best friend's son has

> ADHD, and

> I know that when she told him, he was VERY relieved to find out it

> wasn't

> his fault. It made him feel much better about himself to know

> there was a

> reason for the things he did. You know your child best, and

> whatever you

> think his reaction will be, you are probably right.

> Good luck.

> Tammy

>

>

> ---

> Outgoing mail is certified Virus Free.

> Checked by AVG anti-virus system (http://www.grisoft.com).

> Version: 6.0.474 / Virus Database: 272 - Release Date: 4/18/03

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

My DD (NT) bites her finger and toe nails. I'm trying to stop her but... I

remember biting my nails until peer pressure took over in 5th grade. Good

luck.

in NJ

Re: ( ) Has anyone told their child they

> have AS?

>

>

> Darlene,

> My son has always known about his AS, but my best friend's son has

> ADHD, and

> I know that when she told him, he was VERY relieved to find out it

> wasn't

> his fault. It made him feel much better about himself to know

> there was a

> reason for the things he did. You know your child best, and

> whatever you

> think his reaction will be, you are probably right.

> Good luck.

> Tammy

>

>

> ---

> Outgoing mail is certified Virus Free.

> Checked by AVG anti-virus system (http://www.grisoft.com).

> Version: 6.0.474 / Virus Database: 272 - Release Date: 4/18/03

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

In a message dated 4/22/03 10:39:17 AM Eastern Daylight Time,

snowyowlstar@... writes:

> Maybe if Mike understood that his making feel rejected and not

> accepted there is hurting it would make a difference? Unfortunately,

> he won't believe it because that would mean accepting responsibility for

> it.

>

Ah, Tammy-- from your lips to God's ears....

Connie

[Guest guest]

In a message dated 4/22/03 10:33:40 AM Eastern Daylight Time,

snowyowlstar@... writes:

> Hee hee I'll happily donate MY 2 cents

Your " 2 cents " is ALWAYS welcome! LOL

Connie

[Guest guest]

In a message dated 4/22/03 1:31:13 PM Eastern Daylight Time,

snowyowlstar@... writes:

> maybe

> that's why he doesn't like me- because I hit the nail on the head!

>

Well, anything but the TRUTH...

Connie