Guest guest Posted May 31, 2006 Report Share Posted May 31, 2006 My deepest sympathy to you and family. Trish > > I don't know how to start this. Most of you know I have an aspie, age > 11. My oldest son was killed in an accident over the weekend. His > funeral is today. He was Jake's hero, his best friend, and his > comfort. Jake has been doing surprisingly well since this happened. He > has been able to cry alot, which I was worried about him being able to > express his grief. My problem now is, do I bring him to the funeral. > He thinks he wants to go and say goodbye, but is a little unsure. I am > a wreck myself and will not be able to provide much support for him > during the services, but my brother will be with him. Have any of you > had any kind of experience with this at all? Read anything about > aspies dealing with death? I need some input asap, this was my first > chance to log on. Thank you for any advice you may have. > > Theresa > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted May 31, 2006 Report Share Posted May 31, 2006 I don't know you but I (and my husband) cried for you upon reading this. So here's a prayer for your family from a complete (and nonreligious) stranger. I have nothing else to offer but the wish/hope that your son Jake (and you) can believe in heaven, or spirit, or the idea that his brother can always be with him in his heart. disorderlybehavior <disorderlybehavior@...> wrote: I don't know how to start this. Most of you know I have an aspie, age 11. My oldest son was killed in an accident over the weekend. His funeral is today. He was Jake's hero, his best friend, and his comfort. Jake has been doing surprisingly well since this happened. He has been able to cry alot, which I was worried about him being able to express his grief. My problem now is, do I bring him to the funeral. He thinks he wants to go and say goodbye, but is a little unsure. I am a wreck myself and will not be able to provide much support for him during the services, but my brother will be with him. Have any of you had any kind of experience with this at all? Read anything about aspies dealing with death? I need some input asap, this was my first chance to log on. Thank you for any advice you may have. Theresa Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted May 31, 2006 Report Share Posted May 31, 2006 Dear Theresa, Really, I am unsure how to begin to even share my thoughts of sympathy for your family. I can't fathom what you might be feeling. I read your message and tears well up in my eyes. I know we don't " know " one another, but somehow, we all have been here for each other and we are sharing in your loss... like an extended family in the distance. In my heart, I would try and follow your deepest instincts; for me, it would probably be to let siblings be a part of the grieving and any good-byes. God Bless you all! Most sincerely, Velvet > > I don't know how to start this. Most of you know I have an aspie, age > 11. My oldest son was killed in an accident over the weekend. His > funeral is today. He was Jake's hero, his best friend, and his > comfort. Jake has been doing surprisingly well since this happened. He > has been able to cry alot, which I was worried about him being able to > express his grief. My problem now is, do I bring him to the funeral. > He thinks he wants to go and say goodbye, but is a little unsure. I am > a wreck myself and will not be able to provide much support for him > during the services, but my brother will be with him. Have any of you > had any kind of experience with this at all? Read anything about > aspies dealing with death? I need some input asap, this was my first > chance to log on. Thank you for any advice you may have. > > Theresa > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted June 1, 2006 Report Share Posted June 1, 2006 My heart goes out to you and your family Theresa. I lost my 20 yr old brother in a car accident on Christmas day almost 4 years ago. We all went to the funeral even the young toddlers. Some of the toddlers played up but there were plenty of adults to help out with that. I would let him go because you may end up regretting it later and regardless of how well he does or doesn't handle the day nothing is going to make it easy on any of you. My guess is that you will not even notice much of what is going on around you. If your brother is willing to help then I would definitely let him go. My HFA son was at my brothers funeral and I can't really remember what he was doing. All I remember is the overwhelming grief. He too will need the closure in the long run. Again deepest sympathy. Beck ( ) Death I don't know how to start this. Most of you know I have an aspie, age 11. My oldest son was killed in an accident over the weekend. His funeral is today. He was Jake's hero, his best friend, and his comfort. Jake has been doing surprisingly well since this happened. He has been able to cry alot, which I was worried about him being able to express his grief. My problem now is, do I bring him to the funeral. He thinks he wants to go and say goodbye, but is a little unsure. I am a wreck myself and will not be able to provide much support for him during the services, but my brother will be with him. Have any of you had any kind of experience with this at all? Read anything about aspies dealing with death? I need some input asap, this was my first chance to log on. Thank you for any advice you may have. Theresa Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted June 1, 2006 Report Share Posted June 1, 2006 Yes, let him go. I lost my older daughter in a car accident when my younger daughter (aspie) was only 8. She did better than anyone else. She picked out the casket. Even if there is a melt down, your son needs to attend. Someone will pick up the pieces. But one thing about aspies is they don't usually show their emotions in this case. They will be wondering what all the fuss is. Or wondering if they are normal. If that comes up tell him everyone handles grief differently. There is no right or wrong way. My older daughter died 11years ago. I still am glad I decided for her to attend. Girard Mark son <thejacobsons@...> wrote: My heart goes out to you and your family Theresa. I lost my 20 yr old brother in a car accident on Christmas day almost 4 years ago. We all went to the funeral even the young toddlers. Some of the toddlers played up but there were plenty of adults to help out with that. I would let him go because you may end up regretting it later and regardless of how well he does or doesn't handle the day nothing is going to make it easy on any of you. My guess is that you will not even notice much of what is going on around you. If your brother is willing to help then I would definitely let him go. My HFA son was at my brothers funeral and I can't really remember what he was doing. All I remember is the overwhelming grief. He too will need the closure in the long run. Again deepest sympathy. Beck ( ) Death I don't know how to start this. Most of you know I have an aspie, age 11. My oldest son was killed in an accident over the weekend. His funeral is today. He was Jake's hero, his best friend, and his comfort. Jake has been doing surprisingly well since this happened. He has been able to cry alot, which I was worried about him being able to express his grief. My problem now is, do I bring him to the funeral. He thinks he wants to go and say goodbye, but is a little unsure. I am a wreck myself and will not be able to provide much support for him during the services, but my brother will be with him. Have any of you had any kind of experience with this at all? Read anything about aspies dealing with death? I need some input asap, this was my first chance to log on. Thank you for any advice you may have. Theresa Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted June 1, 2006 Report Share Posted June 1, 2006 Subject: ( ) Death I don't know how to start this. Most of you know I have an aspie, age 11. My oldest son was killed in an accident over the weekend. His funeral is today. He was Jake's hero, his best friend, and his comfort. Jake has been doing surprisingly well since this happened. He has been able to cry alot, which I was worried about him being able to express his grief. My problem now is, do I bring him to the funeral. He thinks he wants to go and say goodbye, but is a little unsure. I am a wreck myself and will not be able to provide much support for him during the services, but my brother will be with him. Have any of you had any kind of experience with this at all? Read anything about aspies dealing with death? I need some input asap, this was my first chance to log on. Thank you for any advice you may have. Theresa Oh my God, Theresa! I am so sorry to hear this. {{{Theresa}}} I can't imagine. I would take him to the funeral because it's his brother but I have no experience in this either. If your brother is there to help him, I would let him and he can take him out if things get too hard for him. Sometimes I think kids will dream up things if they don't know the truth. But every kid is different. Please take care of yourself too! I am so sorry to hear this sad news. Please take care! Roxanna Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted June 1, 2006 Report Share Posted June 1, 2006 Theresa, I am so sorry about your loss. In my hurry to respond I did not notice that your original message was yesterday morning not this morning. I can tell you are getting a lot of good support here, but if you ever want to email me personally as one mother to another I would be glad to help out. As I said before, my older daughter died eleven years ago, she was 6 years older than my aspie daughter. I did not have the aspie diagnosis at the time. But my younger daughter idolized her big sister. Frequently the older daughter () was the only one that could get the younger to hold still for getting her hair combed. She could get her to dress up for pictures. She was a second mother. I just want to say, a lot of our issues are the same. If you would like one on one I'm available. I am not an expert, I just have been there and I made it through. disorderlybehavior <disorderlybehavior@...> wrote: I don't know how to start this. Most of you know I have an aspie, age 11. My oldest son was killed in an accident over the weekend. His funeral is today. He was Jake's hero, his best friend, and his comfort. Jake has been doing surprisingly well since this happened. He has been able to cry alot, which I was worried about him being able to express his grief. My problem now is, do I bring him to the funeral. He thinks he wants to go and say goodbye, but is a little unsure. I am a wreck myself and will not be able to provide much support for him during the services, but my brother will be with him. Have any of you had any kind of experience with this at all? Read anything about aspies dealing with death? I need some input asap, this was my first chance to log on. Thank you for any advice you may have. Theresa Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted June 1, 2006 Report Share Posted June 1, 2006 I am SO, SO SORRY about your son. I know there aren't even words. I know it's so hard to explain it to Jake, as well. What was your son like? What was his favorite hobby? I know you might not feel up to writing, but if you do, let us know (sometimes doing something like writing helps). - Adrienne from Boston --- disorderlybehavior <disorderlybehavior@...> wrote: > I don't know how to start this. Most of you know I > have an aspie, age > 11. My oldest son was killed in an accident over the > weekend. His > funeral is today. He was Jake's hero, his best > friend, and his > comfort. Jake has been doing surprisingly well since > this happened. He > has been able to cry alot, which I was worried about > him being able to > express his grief. My problem now is, do I bring him > to the funeral. > He thinks he wants to go and say goodbye, but is a > little unsure. I am > a wreck myself and will not be able to provide much > support for him > during the services, but my brother will be with > him. Have any of you > had any kind of experience with this at all? Read > anything about > aspies dealing with death? I need some input asap, > this was my first > chance to log on. Thank you for any advice you may > have. > > Theresa > > > > > __________________________________________________ Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted June 1, 2006 Report Share Posted June 1, 2006 , For your loss - though, I understand, a long while ago - my deepest condolences... All I can say is that when I read through your post to Theresa offering the support that only someone in the exact position can possibly offer, brings me to tears. Different situation: but, when one of my children, my only daughter was born with a severe genetic defect, I didn't want to live anymore. If I could have " traded " places with her to give her a normal life, I would have done so in a heartbeat. Unfortunately, those are things that cannot be sacrificed. A genetic clinican knew of a woman who had gone through a similar situation to mine and she asked that person to contact me. I often credit a this woman - who I love dearly - though never physically met (merely phone calls and letters) with " saving " my life. I think one of the greatest gifts can come of a tragedy sometimes may occur when another person puts aside their own personal loss in hope of helping another person. BLESS YOU!! Velvet > I don't know how to start this. Most of you know I have an aspie, age > 11. My oldest son was killed in an accident over the weekend. His > funeral is today. He was Jake's hero, his best friend, and his > comfort. Jake has been doing surprisingly well since this happened. He > has been able to cry alot, which I was worried about him being able to > express his grief. My problem now is, do I bring him to the funeral. > He thinks he wants to go and say goodbye, but is a little unsure. I am > a wreck myself and will not be able to provide much support for him > during the services, but my brother will be with him. Have any of you > had any kind of experience with this at all? Read anything about > aspies dealing with death? I need some input asap, this was my first > chance to log on. Thank you for any advice you may have. > > Theresa > > > > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted June 3, 2006 Report Share Posted June 3, 2006 This is tremendously sad and no, I have not had to deal with it. But from an outsider's perspective it seems you absolutely must have your son at his brother's funeral. Are you afraid of bad behavior? Or wounding him more deeply that he has been by this death. Saying goodbye might not " help " him, but being kept from doing it would surely hurt him. Any parent of any child would ache for you; but I'm sure everyone on this list understands how particularly crushing this loss would be for you and your son. So sorry. Re: ( ) Death Hi - My name is Alyson. I spend some time here, mostly reading posts. I just wanted to tell you how sorry I am for you. I hope you and your family get through this. Alyson disorderlybehavior <disorderlybehavior@...> wrote: I don't know how to start this. Most of you know I have an aspie, age 11. My oldest son was killed in an accident over the weekend. His funeral is today. He was Jake's hero, his best friend, and his comfort. Jake has been doing surprisingly well since this happened. He has been able to cry alot, which I was worried about him being able to express his grief. My problem now is, do I bring him to the funeral. He thinks he wants to go and say goodbye, but is a little unsure. I am a wreck myself and will not be able to provide much support for him during the services, but my brother will be with him. Have any of you had any kind of experience with this at all? Read anything about aspies dealing with death? I need some input asap, this was my first chance to log on. Thank you for any advice you may have. Theresa Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted June 4, 2006 Report Share Posted June 4, 2006 <<<<<<<<<< disorderlybehavior <disorderlybehavior@...> wrote: I don't know how to start this. Most of you know I have an aspie, age 11. My oldest son was killed in an accident over the weekend. His funeral is today. He was Jake's hero, his best friend, and his comfort. Jake has been doing surprisingly well since this happened. He has been able to cry alot, which I was worried about him being able to express his grief. My problem now is, do I bring him to the funeral. He thinks he wants to go and say goodbye, but is a little unsure. I am a wreck myself and will not be able to provide much support for him during the services, but my brother will be with him. Have any of you had any kind of experience with this at all? Read anything about aspies dealing with death? I need some input asap, this was my first chance to log on. Thank you for any advice you may have.>>>>>>>>> Theresa, dear Theresa, I have no words! You must be in such tremendous pain! I am so sorry. My reply is probably too late, I know, and I wonder what you have decided and how it went. I can only say that my father passed away just 3 days ago – and he was my son’s hero, friend and comfort. my son (13) insisted on going to the funeral. He did fine. He had my brother, too, at his side. Seeing it helped him understand it. But my son is older than yours, and he was present when my father took his last breath, so for him, the funeral was a sort of closing the cycle. When I asked the social worker at the hospice about his, before the funeral, she said that it all depends on the child’s will/ if he wants to go, you should allo him to, just make sure you explain to him exactly what and how is going ot happen there. A big warm hug to you F _____ -- No virus found in this incoming message. Checked by AVG Free Edition. Version: 7.1.394 / Virus Database: 268.7.3/350 - Release Date: 28/05/2006 -- No virus found in this outgoing message. Checked by AVG Free Edition. Version: 7.1.394 / Virus Database: 268.8.1/355 - Release Date: 02/06/2006 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted June 4, 2006 Report Share Posted June 4, 2006 F, I am so so sorry to hear about your father. I know it has been a long road for you and for him. Know that I am thinking of you and sending you a big hug. I know this must leave a big hole for all of you. Take care, Liz On Jun 4, 2006, at 3:31 PM, uplift wrote: > > I can only say that my father passed away just 3 days ago – and he > was my > son’s hero, friend and comfort. my son (13) insisted on going to the > funeral. He did fine. He had my brother, too, at his side. Seeing > it helped > him understand it. But my son is older than yours, and he was > present when > my father took his last breath, so for him, the funeral was a sort of > closing the cycle. When I asked the social worker at the hospice > about his, > before the funeral, she said that it all depends on the child’s > will/ if he > wants to go, you should allo him to, just make sure you explain to him > exactly what and how is going ot happen there. > > A big warm hug to you > > F Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted June 5, 2006 Report Share Posted June 5, 2006 I am very sorry to hear of the passing of your father... Pam Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted June 5, 2006 Report Share Posted June 5, 2006 Thank you, Liz. It has indeed been a long road, but he died peacefully , and until then he taught us a tremendous lesson in bravery .... Ds has been amazing at home since the lasdt 2-3 months, but on the other hand his behaviour at school deteriorated... so there is always something to battle :-) I hope I will have more time now to check in and post so often. How are things by you? F Re: ( ) Death F, I am so so sorry to hear about your father. I know it has been a long road for you and for him. Know that I am thinking of you and sending you a big hug. I know this must leave a big hole for all of you. Take care, Liz On Jun 4, 2006, at 3:31 PM, uplift wrote: > > I can only say that my father passed away just 3 days ago - and he > was my > son's hero, friend and comfort. my son (13) insisted on going to the > funeral. He did fine. He had my brother, too, at his side. Seeing > it helped > him understand it. But my son is older than yours, and he was > present when > my father took his last breath, so for him, the funeral was a sort of > closing the cycle. When I asked the social worker at the hospice > about his, > before the funeral, she said that it all depends on the child's > will/ if he > wants to go, you should allo him to, just make sure you explain to him > exactly what and how is going ot happen there. > > A big warm hug to you > > F Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted June 5, 2006 Report Share Posted June 5, 2006 Thanks, Pam! F Re: ( ) Death I am very sorry to hear of the passing of your father... Pam Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted June 5, 2006 Report Share Posted June 5, 2006 --- F, My prayers and thoughts are with you! I am so sorry for your loss. I know this sounds trite and I don't mean it to. Just know that you and your family are in my prayers along with all the mamas and dads and children 'on here'. Toni , uplift <uplift@...> wrote: > > > Thank you, Liz. It has indeed been a long road, but he died peacefully , and > until then he taught us a tremendous lesson in bravery .... > Ds has been amazing at home since the lasdt 2-3 months, but on the other > hand his behaviour at school deteriorated... so there is always something to > battle :-) > I hope I will have more time now to check in and post so often. > How are things by you? > F > > Re: ( ) Death > > F, > > I am so so sorry to hear about your father. I know it has been a long > road for you and for him. Know that I am thinking of you and sending > you a big hug. I know this must leave a big hole for all of you. > > Take care, > Liz > > On Jun 4, 2006, at 3:31 PM, uplift wrote: > > > > > I can only say that my father passed away just 3 days ago - and he > > was my > > son's hero, friend and comfort. my son (13) insisted on going to the > > funeral. He did fine. He had my brother, too, at his side. Seeing > > it helped > > him understand it. But my son is older than yours, and he was > > present when > > my father took his last breath, so for him, the funeral was a sort of > > closing the cycle. When I asked the social worker at the hospice > > about his, > > before the funeral, she said that it all depends on the child's > > will/ if he > > wants to go, you should allo him to, just make sure you explain to him > > exactly what and how is going ot happen there. > > > > A big warm hug to you > > > > F > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted June 5, 2006 Report Share Posted June 5, 2006 Hi F, Oh, things by us are not good. It looks like may have bipolar disorder. He missed about six weeks of school this spring, due to disabling depression. He's back at school for three periods a day now, and will graduate in a couple of weeks. This is something of a minor miracle. We've got him on Effexor, Topamax, and Lamictal, and this combination seems to be helping him. We're still ramping up, though. He goes to school from 11:30 to 2:30, AND I go to a Starbucks nearby and write, in case he can't handle school. If he gets manic or too anxious, he calls me on his cell phone and I go get him. There is never a dull moment, is there? To top things off, we are moving to Boston for a year in August. Dh is taking a sabbatical year at Boston University. I'm excited, because we used to live just west of Cambridge, and I still have friends there. But it's lots of work getting the house ready to rent. ugh. Liz On Jun 5, 2006, at 1:10 AM, uplift wrote: > > Thank you, Liz. It has indeed been a long road, but he died > peacefully , and > until then he taught us a tremendous lesson in bravery .... > Ds has been amazing at home since the lasdt 2-3 months, but on the > other > hand his behaviour at school deteriorated... so there is always > something to > battle :-) > I hope I will have more time now to check in and post so often. > How are things by you? > F Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted June 5, 2006 Report Share Posted June 5, 2006 Oh, Liz! Hang in there! Sending you supporting hugs! Boston is beautiful. It's a pity it is just for one year, he? F Re: ( ) Death Hi F, Oh, things by us are not good. It looks like may have bipolar disorder. He missed about six weeks of school this spring, due to disabling depression. He's back at school for three periods a day now, and will graduate in a couple of weeks. This is something of a minor miracle. We've got him on Effexor, Topamax, and Lamictal, and this combination seems to be helping him. We're still ramping up, though. He goes to school from 11:30 to 2:30, AND I go to a Starbucks nearby and write, in case he can't handle school. If he gets manic or too anxious, he calls me on his cell phone and I go get him. There is never a dull moment, is there? To top things off, we are moving to Boston for a year in August. Dh is taking a sabbatical year at Boston University. I'm excited, because we used to live just west of Cambridge, and I still have friends there. But it's lots of work getting the house ready to rent. ugh. Liz On Jun 5, 2006, at 1:10 AM, uplift wrote: > > Thank you, Liz. It has indeed been a long road, but he died > peacefully , and > until then he taught us a tremendous lesson in bravery .... > Ds has been amazing at home since the lasdt 2-3 months, but on the > other > hand his behaviour at school deteriorated... so there is always > something to > battle :-) > I hope I will have more time now to check in and post so often. > How are things by you? > F Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted June 5, 2006 Report Share Posted June 5, 2006 Thank you, Toni. F Re: ( ) Death > > F, > > I am so so sorry to hear about your father. I know it has been a long > road for you and for him. Know that I am thinking of you and sending > you a big hug. I know this must leave a big hole for all of you. > > Take care, > Liz > > On Jun 4, 2006, at 3:31 PM, uplift wrote: > > > > > I can only say that my father passed away just 3 days ago - and he > > was my > > son's hero, friend and comfort. my son (13) insisted on going to the > > funeral. He did fine. He had my brother, too, at his side. Seeing > > it helped > > him understand it. But my son is older than yours, and he was > > present when > > my father took his last breath, so for him, the funeral was a sort of > > closing the cycle. When I asked the social worker at the hospice > > about his, > > before the funeral, she said that it all depends on the child's > > will/ if he > > wants to go, you should allo him to, just make sure you explain to him > > exactly what and how is going ot happen there. > > > > A big warm hug to you > > > > F > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted June 5, 2006 Report Share Posted June 5, 2006 Subject: RE: ( ) Death Theresa, dear Theresa, I have no words! You must be in such tremendous pain! I am so sorry. My reply is probably too late, I know, and I wonder what you have decided and how it went. I can only say that my father passed away just 3 days ago - and he was my son's hero, friend and comfort. my son (13) insisted on going to the funeral. He did fine. He had my brother, too, at his side. Seeing it helped him understand it. But my son is older than yours, and he was present when my father took his last breath, so for him, the funeral was a sort of closing the cycle. When I asked the social worker at the hospice about his, before the funeral, she said that it all depends on the child's will/ if he wants to go, you should allo him to, just make sure you explain to him exactly what and how is going ot happen there. A big warm hug to you F Oh my F! I am so sorry to hear about your father. How are you doing? I am glad that M was able to participate in everything. I know that probably helps him. Take time for yourself too, though! I know you are probably busy with the kids and making sure they are all doing fine. Love, Roxanna Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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