Re: To re going crazy

[Guest guest]

Thank you for the history lesson!! It sounds great but is soooooo

hard for me to do! I feel that no matter what I say or how I say it

she is just not going to get it!! Like this morning.... Last night

when laying out clothes for school I told my daughter not to wear

this certain pair of Gap jeans she has because she has been wearing

them every day!!!! So this morning what does she have on! THose

jeans and a short sleeve shirt. Now granted this is Texas and it was

90 degrees the other day but today the high is 42!!!!! I asked her

to change her jeans and put on a sweater like we planned last night!

She pitched a huge fit saying .. youre not fair and I should be able

to wear what I want. Her dad heard and got mad and intercepted with

his finger in her face and told her firmly (not yelling) to shut her

mouth and quit arguing with me and do as she is told and that she

better have it done in 5 minutes or she is grounded. Needless to

say... my 6 year old was told to put his sweat suit on for school and

he said why (today was spirit day but his shirt is short sleeve) I

told him how cold it was going to be and he said " Okay mommy, I

don't want to be cold! Now to me that is the normal reaction I get

from my other two children. But after changed She badgered me

for 30 minutes trying to convince me that it was not cold!! I mean

how hard is it!! Any one could step out the door and feel that it is

tooo cold for a almost sleeveless shirt!! And its raining at that!!!

AARRRGGGHHHH!!!

I wil try my best to stop rescueing her! I am having to work on that

with my 6 year old too! Since he was never suppose to be born , much

less live, much less be completely normal.....and because he spent

the first 4 years fighting for his life because he was always sick

and in the hospital due to respiratory factors... I have soooooo

babyed him!! He wont even tie his own shoes even though he knows

how ..... so what did I do??/ Rescue him and buy him 3 pairs of slip

on shoes! Now how stupid is that??? So now he has to wear his " tie

tennis shoes " at least 2 times a week!

Its just in my nature to be apologetic and helpful! After all like I

said it would have been a cold day in H.E. double hockey sticks that

my mom would have ever apologized and she was rarely helpful!

Wish me luck! I promise to try my best although I will probably fail

the first few months!!!

Steph

Steph

>

> > Do you ever feel like your going crazy and maybe shes

> > just a wild child and nothings wrong with her and that maybe your

> > imagining things?? She's driving me to the insane asyllum!

>

> You are not going crazy. She has figured out your most vulnerable

side and

> is using it to try to get what she wants. Just having Asperger's

syndrome

> doesn't give her the right to do this.

>

> My natural tendency is to be a rescuer too. I was the oldest

sister in a

> family of five, and my parents always expected me to take care of

and be an

> example to the younger ones. Unfortunately I interpreted this to

mean that

> it was my job to help anyone who had a problem. This led to big

trouble in

> my first marriage.

>

> Your " history lesson " was interesting. So here's mine: my first

husband was

> in graduate school when we married. He decided to go for a Ph.D.

not

> because he was really interested in school, but because he could

escape

> being drafted that way (this was back in 1969, when many young men

were

> worried about being sent to Vietnam). I was working full-time and

continued

> to be the breadwinner in our family for seven years. Even after he

finally

> got his degree, he worked for 6 months and then his job ended (it

was an

> internship). He used the money he earned mainly to buy concert and

movie

> tickets and a nice wardrobe for himself, and also to pay for his

yearly

> summer camping and hiking trips in the state of Washington (during

most of

> which I continued to work all summer).

>

> My rationale for doing all this was that " a wife SHOULD support her

> husband. " I had listened to my mother, an Army wife, tell me for

many years

> how her job was to do whatever she had to do to support my dad's

career.

> But I had misinterpreted what she said. She didn't mean financial

support!

>

> I finally went into group therapy and discovered (with the help of

the other

> group members) that I was part of a classic

victim/rescuer/persecutor

> triangle. It works like this. You (the rescuer) see a " victim " of

> circumstances who needs help. (In this case, your daughter.) You

rescue

> her. She acts grateful (sometimes) but then starts to resent her

position,

> or take you for granted. Then she starts to persecute you, by

complaining

> (you never do anything for me!) or engaging in behavior that drives

you

> crazy. Now you are the victim! The two people involved in this

kind of

> triangle keep exchanging roles. Usually the rescuer eventually

feels as if

> he or she must be crazy, because anyone can see that the " victim "

(who is

> also the persecutor) needs help. I was seriously depressed when I

finally

> decided to divorce my husband. I thought this would shock him into

changing

> his behavior. It didn't! He just found new people to " rescue "

him! Now,

> more than 25 years later, most of his old friends have cut him out

of their

> lives because they got tired of his taking advantage of them. He

always

> manages to acquire new friends -- but that's his story, not mine.

>

> How do you get out of this triangle? By showing the " victim " that

he or she

> is competent, and refusing to help him or her with things he or she

can do

> for himself/herself. So if she forgets her shoes, don't take them

to her.

> Help her figure out how to remember them the next time. If her

room is a

> mess, don't clean it for her. You can tell her (as rationally as

possible)

> how to do it, and put away most of her possessions somewhere so

that she has

> fewer of them to care for. But don't you spend hours organizing

her stuff!

> Then you are setting yourself up to be furious when (inevitably)

she messes

> things up again. And if she starts yelling at you for

not " helping " her,

> try to remain calm and tell her she's not making sense, and you'll

talk to

> her again when she can. Try not to yell back. Then you end up

losing your

> dignity in your own eyes, and wondering if you're crazy. You're

not.

>

> I hope this doesn't offend anyone. I'd be interested to hear

whether other

> parents have similar problems.

> Jill

[Guest guest]

Hi Steph. I can relate to your situation. I usually pick my battles. If my

son wants to wear something inappropriate weather wise, I let him. I usually

tell him why for instance, he needs a coat, and if he chooses not to then it

is natural consequence learning. Usually, he will come back and say " you were

right mom I was cold " . I just find that trying to fight it with him is not

worth it...he needs to learn from natural mistake making. As he has matured

this past year I find he does listen to me a little bit more Pam

[Guest guest]

We've done the logical consequences thing, too, with both our children.

still struggles a bit, though not as much as he used to. During one of our phone

calls with our 20 year old daughter in Russia, she <gasp> thanked us for letting

her make her own mistakes and being there for her both at the same time. Knock

me

over with a feather.

Liz

ppanda65@... wrote:

> Hi Steph. I can relate to your situation. I usually pick my battles. If my

> son wants to wear something inappropriate weather wise, I let him. I usually

> tell him why for instance, he needs a coat, and if he chooses not to then it

> is natural consequence learning. Usually, he will come back and say " you were

> right mom I was cold " . I just find that trying to fight it with him is not

> worth it...he needs to learn from natural mistake making. As he has matured

> this past year I find he does listen to me a little bit more Pam

>

>

[Guest guest]

Do all siblings bicker like this???? They will fight over whether

the grass is green!!! This morning dressed like a complete

slob!! Dirty shirt and all!!! She didn't care so this morning

neither did I!!! I saw all these cute girls dressed in their cute

clothes with their cute jewlrey and hair accessories and I don't even

think mine brushed her hair!!! This is REALLY hard for me because I

am such a girly girl! I always wear jewlry, and cute shoes and

clothes with my hair perfect and my nails perfect. I know that is me

but she is my only girl and I wish she would at least try to look

like one!. Heck at this point I'd even be happy if she brushed her

hair and wore clean clothes! lol

sTEPH

>

> > Hi Steph. I can relate to your situation. I usually pick my

battles. If my

> > son wants to wear something inappropriate weather wise, I let

him. I usually

> > tell him why for instance, he needs a coat, and if he chooses not

to then it

> > is natural consequence learning. Usually, he will come back and

say " you were

> > right mom I was cold " . I just find that trying to fight it with

him is not

> > worth it...he needs to learn from natural mistake making. As he

has matured

> > this past year I find he does listen to me a little bit

more Pam

> >

> >

[Guest guest]

Steph,

I am most comfortable in jeans and a t-shirt, gold stud earrings and

sandals. My dd, of course, had to rebel. She wore PINK dresses with little

heart tights every day. In her teens, she wore skirts to school at a time

when most kids were wearing jeans. Now she is comfortable wearing either.

She is a trip and a half. Oh yeah. I am not the world's greatest

housekeeper, either. She is a neat freak.

Liz

wrote:

> Do all siblings bicker like this???? They will fight over whether

> the grass is green!!! This morning dressed like a complete

> slob!! Dirty shirt and all!!! She didn't care so this morning

> neither did I!!! I saw all these cute girls dressed in their cute

> clothes with their cute jewlrey and hair accessories and I don't even

> think mine brushed her hair!!! This is REALLY hard for me because I

> am such a girly girl! I always wear jewlry, and cute shoes and

> clothes with my hair perfect and my nails perfect. I know that is me

> but she is my only girl and I wish she would at least try to look

> like one!. Heck at this point I'd even be happy if she brushed her

> hair and wore clean clothes! lol

[Guest guest]

Maybe we should trad!! lol I am the neat freak and I would love my

daughter wearing pink dresses an skirts!!!! LOL

Steph

>

> > Do all siblings bicker like this???? They will fight over whether

> > the grass is green!!! This morning dressed like a complete

> > slob!! Dirty shirt and all!!! She didn't care so this morning

> > neither did I!!! I saw all these cute girls dressed in their cute

> > clothes with their cute jewlrey and hair accessories and I don't

even

> > think mine brushed her hair!!! This is REALLY hard for me

because I

> > am such a girly girl! I always wear jewlry, and cute shoes and

> > clothes with my hair perfect and my nails perfect. I know that is

me

> > but she is my only girl and I wish she would at least try to look

> > like one!. Heck at this point I'd even be happy if she brushed her

> > hair and wore clean clothes! lol

[Guest guest]

Oh yeah.... I am such a neat freak but I won't clean it myself!! I

have someone who cleans every 2 weeks and my house isn't huge or

anything... I am just lazy and I have to battle kids... why the

house!! Actually, I tore a ligament in my right arm a year 1/2 ago.

It won't heal and I am right handed!! It has gotten so bad over the

last 6 months that I can't scrub floors, tubs, etc. And you know

dear ole husband won't do it so I hired a house cleaner!!! A cast on

my arm or surgery are my only options and I don't like either one!!

I will however have the cast put on soon! I am going to persuade the

doc to give me one more cortizone shot so I can make it till

February! It makes it feel healed for about 3 months and then I am

always back to pain!! Brady is having that surgery on both legs Dec

15 and so he will have cast on both legs and a wheel chair so I need

my arm freed up even though I have limited use!

Boy I am chatty Kathy tonight!

Steph

>

> > Do all siblings bicker like this???? They will fight over whether

> > the grass is green!!! This morning dressed like a complete

> > slob!! Dirty shirt and all!!! She didn't care so this morning

> > neither did I!!! I saw all these cute girls dressed in their cute

> > clothes with their cute jewlrey and hair accessories and I don't

even

> > think mine brushed her hair!!! This is REALLY hard for me

because I

> > am such a girly girl! I always wear jewlry, and cute shoes and

> > clothes with my hair perfect and my nails perfect. I know that is

me

> > but she is my only girl and I wish she would at least try to look

> > like one!. Heck at this point I'd even be happy if she brushed her

> > hair and wore clean clothes! lol

[Guest guest]

Oh YES! I would LOVE IT if someone else would pay her college tuition!!! LOL

Liz

wrote:

> Maybe we should trad!! lol I am the neat freak and I would love my

> daughter wearing pink dresses an skirts!!!! LOL

>

> Steph

>

>

> >

> > > Do all siblings bicker like this???? They will fight over whether

> > > the grass is green!!! This morning dressed like a complete

> > > slob!! Dirty shirt and all!!! She didn't care so this morning

> > > neither did I!!! I saw all these cute girls dressed in their cute

> > > clothes with their cute jewlrey and hair accessories and I don't

> even

> > > think mine brushed her hair!!! This is REALLY hard for me

> because I

> > > am such a girly girl! I always wear jewlry, and cute shoes and

> > > clothes with my hair perfect and my nails perfect. I know that is

> me

> > > but she is my only girl and I wish she would at least try to look

> > > like one!. Heck at this point I'd even be happy if she brushed her

> > > hair and wore clean clothes! lol

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

In that case ....... I think I will stick to my tom boyish

daughter! I have at least 8 more years of college financial

planning!!!! Although........yours is out of the

house....hmmmmm.....might not be such a bad idea!!!!LOL

Steph

> > >

> > > > Do all siblings bicker like this???? They will fight over

whether

> > > > the grass is green!!! This morning dressed like a

complete

> > > > slob!! Dirty shirt and all!!! She didn't care so this morning

> > > > neither did I!!! I saw all these cute girls dressed in their

cute

> > > > clothes with their cute jewlrey and hair accessories and I

don't

> > even

> > > > think mine brushed her hair!!! This is REALLY hard for me

> > because I

> > > > am such a girly girl! I always wear jewlry, and cute shoes

and

> > > > clothes with my hair perfect and my nails perfect. I know

that is

> > me

> > > > but she is my only girl and I wish she would at least try to

look

> > > > like one!. Heck at this point I'd even be happy if she

brushed her

> > > > hair and wore clean clothes! lol

> >

> >

> >

[Guest guest]

She's WAYYYYY out of the house! She's in St. sburg, Russia! For the

entire year!!!

Liz (who actually misses her dd)

wrote:

> In that case ....... I think I will stick to my tom boyish

> daughter! I have at least 8 more years of college financial

> planning!!!! Although........yours is out of the

> house....hmmmmm.....might not be such a bad idea!!!!LOL

> Steph

>

>

> > Oh YES! I would LOVE IT if someone else would pay her college

> tuition!!! LOL

> >

> > Liz

[Guest guest]

Don't ask me if I want to trade right now!!! I had my house cleaner

come in with two other ladies to do a top to bottom house cleaning.

It cost me a fortune and they couldn't get to everything in s

room due to the mess!!!! So and I went through her closet

again (2nd time this week!) and yes it was a mess AGAIN!! I was so

fed up I threw half of it away, & gave half of it to the neighbor!!

I sent her hiney to bed!!!!! Russia is a loooooong ways away!!! What

is she doing there?????

> > > Oh YES! I would LOVE IT if someone else would pay her college

> > tuition!!! LOL

> > >

> > > Liz

[Guest guest]

How frustrating that must have been! I'm a mean mom. I make pick up

his own clothes and do his own laundry. He's done it ever since he could

reach the top of the washer. (I hate to do laundry. does ours most of

the time.) The trick is to have lots of simple clothes that can't be ruined

by simple washing and drying.

Russia is a looooong way away. Tess is studying Russian language, history

and culture. And boy is she immersed in culture! She's living with a Russian

family, who likes to know her every move. Every detail of every move. If

she's going to be five minutes late, they want to know about it. She likes

them, she really does, it's just that, well, it gets to be a bit much. It's

been very lovely to hear, during our phone conversations, " Mom, I never knew

how good I had it with you and Daddy. Thank you. " Whenever I start feeling

bad about one or the other kid, I put her comment on instant replay and it

makes me feel better.

Liz

wrote:

> Don't ask me if I want to trade right now!!! I had my house cleaner

> come in with two other ladies to do a top to bottom house cleaning.

> It cost me a fortune and they couldn't get to everything in s

> room due to the mess!!!! So and I went through her closet

> again (2nd time this week!) and yes it was a mess AGAIN!! I was so

> fed up I threw half of it away, & gave half of it to the neighbor!!

> I sent her hiney to bed!!!!! Russia is a loooooong ways away!!! What

> is she doing there?????

>

>

> > > > Oh YES! I would LOVE IT if someone else would pay her college

> > > tuition!!! LOL

> > > >

> > > > Liz

>

>

>