Re: My woes

[Guest guest]

In a message dated 3/11/03 7:14:53 PM Eastern Standard Time,

weinert@... writes:

> 1) Can we reasonably ask the kindergarten teachers to stagger recess

> so that there are not 40 kids on the playground during recess at

> once? Most other kindergartens in our school district do this.

> 2) Do special ed kids need to take district wide tests? Can I ask for

> an accomodation for skipping the tests altoghether or getting help to

> do them?

>

Chicken pox! Ugh! I hope it passes quickly.

You can always ask them but as to whether they will do it or not, I don't

know. You can ask for a modified recess of some kind. They could brainstorm

a solution, I don't know what. For instance, the aide could organize a 3

person hopscotch game in a quiet area or in the gym and she could invite two

of her friends to join her?

Whether she takes the test or gets modifications can be and should be

discussed at the IEP and written into her IEP. In Ohio where I am, we have a

form specifically for discussing tests and various modifications. She could

have someone read the test to her or extra time or a quiet room - things like

that. I know they can exempt kids with IEPs sometimes if you like - it would

depend on the test being given. You should ask your special education dept.

head and be sure to get the policy in writing. You could also go to your

state dept of education website and see if they have their policies for IEPs

there.

As for all the trips and singing, since she has an aide, why not arrange for

an alternate activity for her during these times? If she is behind in any

academics, she could work with the aide on that/those areas. Or these could

be times she could get help with social skill instruction or whatever it is

that she needs help with (or perhaps time for her OT!)

[unable to display image] Roxanna

[Guest guest]

Hi Roxanna,

Thanks for your reply. It makes me realize how underfunded our

schools are here in California. Our school has no gym.

All these unsuitable activities are taking the majority of her class

time. She actually does ok at school, but the stress of it all makes

her very cranky at home and she has a full afternoon of therapies

every day.

It sounds like we need to have another IEP. The school district

program specialist who is supposed to be overseeing her program (since

August) has never gotten in touch with us and we are not sure is still

working for the school district.

At least the next few days of the chicken pox quarantine will give us

time to figure out what to do.

[Guest guest]

Hello ,boy what a busy kindergarden! My child would be overstimulated to

say the least. Do you have an avocate for whenever you do the IEP's? You may

need one then you can tell her your concerns. Take care,Betty

weinert56 <weinert@...> wrote:Hi,

This is a combination vent and request for help.

My almost 6 yo HFA daughter was placed at a private kindergarten with

an aide until about 1 month ago. We chose this school because it had

only 12 children and they made lots of promises about schedules and

activities and our local public school looked like it was going to

have 30+ kids/class in kindergarten. The private K didn't keep the

promises; it was basicallly day care with nasty kids. My daughter was

coming home every day asking why the kids were mean to her. The

teacher did nothing.

We had an IEP and changed her placement to our local nearby

kindergarten (where the classes turned out to have 20 kids after all)

with the same aide (whom we like very much). This school didn't want

her to start until almost 3 weeks after the IEP and since things were

bad at the old school, she was out of school for 2 weeks. I was

surprised at how much she regressed.

She started the new school and has been for 11 1/2 days. These have

included 1 field trip on a bus with 40 kids (on her 3rd day there) and

2 parties that combined all 40 am kindergarteners. There is going to

be a " Spring Sing " that involves singing " My Favorite Things " and

another song in 5 languages, both with hand motions. My daughter is

sound sensitive and in the 1th percentile for ability to imitate hand

motions. On Friday they got all 80 am and pm kindergarteners together

to sing with hand motions. (There will be separate concerts for the

am and pm kids, so this seemed totally gratuitous.) These songs seem

overly complicated for any kindergartener. If I had to design the

" least appropriate activity " for my daughter this 80 kid sing-a-thon

might be it. We kept her home until that was over.

The school district is planning to do some assessments of all

kindergarteners. This includes a " writing sample " where the teacher

gives the beginning of a sentence (in this case " On a sunny day I like

to " ) and the child is to think of an ending for the sentence, and

write the whole thing with correct capitalization and punctuation but

invented spelling, if necessary. My daugther had done exactly one

exercise like this before at home. She is very " whole word " oriented

and somewhat perfectionist, so she hated the phonetic spelling part.

The teacher would not let the aide help my daughter even though she

asked for it and it was very stressful for her. Does it make any

sense at all to do this? Being able to do such an exercise might be

worthwhile, but to insist she do it alone the 1st time she tried it in

the classroom just seems like it will turn her off to trying.

More questions:

1) Can we reasonably ask the kindergarten teachers to stagger recess

so that there are not 40 kids on the playground during recess at

once? Most other kindergartens in our school district do this.

2) Do special ed kids need to take district wide tests? Can I ask for

an accomodation for skipping the tests altoghether or getting help to

do them?

I have calls in to the school district, but no one has called me back

yet. To top it all off, my daughter came down with the chickenpox

today.

Thanks for listening.

[Guest guest]

In a message dated 3/11/03 9:07:48 PM Eastern Standard Time,

weinert@... writes:

> It sounds like we need to have another IEP. The school district

> program specialist who is supposed to be overseeing her program (since

> August) has never gotten in touch with us and we are not sure is still

> working for the school district

,

Make the program fit the child and not the child fit the program. It's hard

but if you think " outside the box " for solutions, it can happen.

Another idea that came to me is that you said the other school's don't

combine all the classes. You might consider having her tranferred to a

different school too.

Roxanna ôô

What doesn't kill us

Makes us really mean.

[Guest guest]

Dear linda, You could try asking the k. if one of the playtime supervisors could

be assigned to keep your daughter safe.I know to my daniels cost that the

playground is one of the most upsetting and potential for bulling etc. place of

all time at school.

Over here in england a child with significant special needs can have an aid or

teacher with them doing standard assessment tests(SATS) can write for them;

prompt them and I think they get more time. My daghter who is dyslexic had extra

time on her main exams at 16yrs aswell.

Really push for some compromise at playtime, in dan's case I'd even agree to

staying in doing something he enjoyed to occupy him; as all he did at playtime

was walk around the perimeter in his own world. Hope this is some help(Been

there!) jo. d.

( ) My woes

Hi,

This is a combination vent and request for help.

My almost 6 yo HFA daughter was placed at a private kindergarten with

an aide until about 1 month ago. We chose this school because it had

only 12 children and they made lots of promises about schedules and

activities and our local public school looked like it was going to

have 30+ kids/class in kindergarten. The private K didn't keep the

promises; it was basicallly day care with nasty kids. My daughter was

coming home every day asking why the kids were mean to her. The

teacher did nothing.

We had an IEP and changed her placement to our local nearby

kindergarten (where the classes turned out to have 20 kids after all)

with the same aide (whom we like very much). This school didn't want

her to start until almost 3 weeks after the IEP and since things were

bad at the old school, she was out of school for 2 weeks. I was

surprised at how much she regressed.

She started the new school and has been for 11 1/2 days. These have

included 1 field trip on a bus with 40 kids (on her 3rd day there) and

2 parties that combined all 40 am kindergarteners. There is going to

be a " Spring Sing " that involves singing " My Favorite Things " and

another song in 5 languages, both with hand motions. My daughter is

sound sensitive and in the 1th percentile for ability to imitate hand

motions. On Friday they got all 80 am and pm kindergarteners together

to sing with hand motions. (There will be separate concerts for the

am and pm kids, so this seemed totally gratuitous.) These songs seem

overly complicated for any kindergartener. If I had to design the

" least appropriate activity " for my daughter this 80 kid sing-a-thon

might be it. We kept her home until that was over.

The school district is planning to do some assessments of all

kindergarteners. This includes a " writing sample " where the teacher

gives the beginning of a sentence (in this case " On a sunny day I like

to " ) and the child is to think of an ending for the sentence, and

write the whole thing with correct capitalization and punctuation but

invented spelling, if necessary. My daugther had done exactly one

exercise like this before at home. She is very " whole word " oriented

and somewhat perfectionist, so she hated the phonetic spelling part.

The teacher would not let the aide help my daughter even though she

asked for it and it was very stressful for her. Does it make any

sense at all to do this? Being able to do such an exercise might be

worthwhile, but to insist she do it alone the 1st time she tried it in

the classroom just seems like it will turn her off to trying.

More questions:

1) Can we reasonably ask the kindergarten teachers to stagger recess

so that there are not 40 kids on the playground during recess at

once? Most other kindergartens in our school district do this.

2) Do special ed kids need to take district wide tests? Can I ask for

an accomodation for skipping the tests altoghether or getting help to

do them?

I have calls in to the school district, but no one has called me back

yet. To top it all off, my daughter came down with the chickenpox

today.

Thanks for listening.

[Guest guest]

> Hello ,boy what a busy kindergarden! My child would be

overstimulated to say the least. Do you have an avocate for whenever

you do the IEP's? You may need one then you can tell her your

concerns.

Hi Betty,

We have used an advocate for 5 of our 7 IEPs. She wasn't able to

attend the last one and we were in a hurry ... I observed and

questioned a lot and still had no idea about this singing and

testing. I talked to another mom with an AS boy who'd been in

kindergarten at this school 4 years ago. He was excused from the

singing and testing in his IEP. You think the teacher, principal,

etc. would have brought this up.

I've sent email to our advocate and she is counselling me to give it

longer than 11 1/2 days, find out how the teacher wants to be

contacted (right now I send emai, she doesn't reply), look into other

activities during the inappropriate activities or a shorter day ...

We are due for an IEP meeting to plan next year soon.

[Guest guest]

Hi Jo,

My daughter is going to this kindergarten with the same aide she has

had since Sept. '01 in preschool. Her aide is great about getting her

integrated at play. A couple of times at the new school, my daughter

has invented a game (e.g., jumping off a play structure and pretending

to fly and then running under London Bridges hands) and had lots of

kids join in. It is just when there are 40 kids on the playground, it

is much noisier and more likely that other kids' games intrude on

hers. Once she went up to some boys and asked them to play

(initiation is a good thing!). They said ok, they'd play tag and she

could chase them. They ran off. She couldn't pick them out of the 40

kids out there (I think she has some of the face recognition problems

common to spectrum kids) and was very discouraged and came home and

told me the boys weren't being nice to her. Her aide concluded that

she needed to help structure my daughter's play for her for awhile.

She told her in a case like that she should try to pick out one kid

and really pay attention to his clothing or something distinctive.

The teacher explicitly instructed the aide not to help my daughter on

this practice for the writing sample test. My daughter asked the aide

for help but the teacher would not allow it. This just seems cruel to

me. Probably not intentional, but ignorant. Stressful, nonetheless.

[Guest guest]

In a message dated 3/11/03 4:25:01 PM Pacific Standard Time,

weinert@... writes:

<< More questions:

1) Can we reasonably ask the kindergarten teachers to stagger recess

so that there are not 40 kids on the playground during recess at

once? Most other kindergartens in our school district do this.

2) Do special ed kids need to take district wide tests? Can I ask for

an accomodation for skipping the tests altoghether or getting help to

do them? >>

,

I only have limited knowledge here, but in NC our special ed kids can be

exempt from all state tests. The only drawback is that in high school, for

example, they may not receive a diploma, but a certificate instead. So you

might want to find out the implications of not taking a district or state

test. Being on the inside of school issues, I have a lot more sympathy for

the reasons why our kids get put into terrible situations. There seems to

always be some solution though.

I read in a recent posting someone saying it isn't important to be friends

with your child's teacher. I understood that the point was our children come

first. That is true. I have found that when I seek out the advice and

friendship of people within the system, whether it involves meeting " special

ed " teachers or department chairs or district representatives or the

principals, that they will bend over backwards to help me. On the other

hand, as a teacher, when a parent only feeds me everything I do wrong and I

know I won't be able to please them, there is a tendency to respond less

quickly.

Just a few notes on handling " the system. " Good luck. There are answers--be

persistent.

Debbie in NC

[Guest guest]

In a message dated 3/15/03 5:10:20 PM Pacific Standard Time,

rwinters@... writes:

<< At that point I did something that

totally changed the nature of our relationship. I said, in a very

humble voice, " I need your guidance. " Welllll, the change in this

man was unbelievable. The brusk, grumpy guy suddenly acted like I

was his granddaughter asking for advise. >>

Kathy,

Got goosebumps. What a neat story. Humility is a hard pill to swallow, but

it heals a lot of wounds doen't it.

Debbie from NC back at ya

[Guest guest]

In a message dated 3/15/03 6:04:14 PM Pacific Standard Time,

weinert@... writes:

<< I will try to make this work because there seems to be no alternative. >>

,

I feel the stress of the system on my child, too. Danny is in a classroom

with a wonderful teacher. But they don't know him like I do. Danny has been

having melt-downs at the end of the school day lately. When I went to pick

him up(too bad to ride the cab), he had a larger melt down. The behavioral

person at the school and I managed to restrain him(he is strong for 8).

The problem was that when I restrain him at home(thank goodness I haven't had

to in over a year), I have learned to provide the security without the

attention. In other words, I hold him so he won't hurt either of us and I

hold him just firm enough to be uncomfortable, so he won't want the

restraint. Then I occasionally say " When you are finished let me know and I

will let go on part of you at a time. " It has always worked.

When she was restraining with me, she kept talking soothingly to him,

causing him to react all the more. Finally she picked up my cue and stopped.

She also commented that they need to be careful what they say to him because

he takes off with it. That is, they have been talking to him about anger

control and giving him lots of " neat " books about anger and frustration.

Well guess what Danny's new focus is? Anger and frustration. They just

didn''t and don't seem to realize that he becomes obsessed with something

that has caused a strong emotion--postive or negative. If something caused

everyone to get in an uproar and created a melt-down for him, unless they

" deprogram " him somehow, he will likely repeat it the next time the same

event occurs or even worse at the same time of day the next day.

Deprogramming Danny means while he is calming down from the previous uproar

or at the slightest sign of a meltdown, I have to cause a new obsession. The

easiest ones so far have been finding things for him to count. " Danny, look

at all those trucks--how many do you think there are. " Of course, as he is

getting older, this counting has to become more challenging. The other thing

that has worked is asking him math facts like, " Danny what is 2 x 2, what is

3 x 100? " He is fascinated with numbers, so this takes his full attention.

Of course, the key is it is a positive obsession.

My point is that the teachers don't know him like I do. They can't. And

unless they have an AS kid, I think they are at a disadvantage no matter what

IEP he has. All we have to do is remember all the times when we, who know

best, are taken by surprise at the latest sign of the disorder--the one we

didn't anticipate.

I'm not trying to make excuses for stupidity and lack of responsibility. We

just finished with a teacher who suggested that in her " experience autistic

children simply are not aggressive. I believe he has an anger issue. Is

there something going on at home? " Oh, the things I thought of to say later.

I just think we have a long way to go before our children are understood and

before anyone comes up with a plan for them that will really work.

Debbie from NC

[Guest guest]

In a message dated 3/15/03 9:05:24 PM Eastern Standard Time,

weinert@... writes:

> When I send the teacher

> email, she sometimes doesn't answer. I feel like I am groping around,

> not knowing the curriculum and so not being able to anticipate what

> will be too demanding for my daughter. I wish she would take input

> from my daughter's aide who has been with her almost 2 years now.

>

I would resend and say something like, " I haven't heard from you yet about my

concerns. Would you rather schedule a meeting to discuss this with me in

person? " That might get her to respond. ??

<<I am working on trying to get the district's program specialist to

call me.  (I haven't been able to call her and no one at the main

school district number seems to know how to get in touch with her.)

She could be an intermediary.

>>

If you are not getting anywhere, start going up the food chain until you do.

Send letters and start CCing copies to others. At some point, someone will

help you. Plus you have created a paper trail to document your attempts.

Roxanna ôô

What doesn't kill us

Makes us really mean.

[Guest guest]

In a message dated 3/15/03 9:39:39 PM Eastern Standard Time,

DNJC4TRESS@... writes:

> I'm not trying to make excuses for stupidity and lack of responsibility. We

> just finished with a teacher who suggested that in her " experience autistic

>

> children simply are not aggressive. I believe he has an anger issue. Is

> there something going on at home? " Oh, the things I thought of to say

> later.

>

How rude! And ignorant!

Roxanna

ò¿ò

It makes sense to go up the molehill

dressed for the mountain

Nan, the Wiser

[Guest guest]

> In a message dated 3/11/03 4:25:01 PM Pacific Standard Time,

> weinert@l... writes:

>

> << More questions:

> 1) Can we reasonably ask the kindergarten teachers to stagger

recess

> so that there are not 40 kids on the playground during recess at

> once? Most other kindergartens in our school district do this.

> 2) Do special ed kids need to take district wide tests? Can I ask

for

> an accomodation for skipping the tests altoghether or getting help

to

> do them? >>

>

> ,

>

> I only have limited knowledge here, but in NC our special ed kids

can be

> exempt from all state tests. The only drawback is that in high

school, for

> example, they may not receive a diploma, but a certificate

instead. So you

> might want to find out the implications of not taking a district or

state

> test. Being on the inside of school issues, I have a lot more

sympathy for

> the reasons why our kids get put into terrible situations. There

seems to

> always be some solution though.

>

> I read in a recent posting someone saying it isn't important to be

friends

> with your child's teacher. I understood that the point was our

children come

> first. That is true. I have found that when I seek out the advice

and

> friendship of people within the system, whether it involves

meeting " special

> ed " teachers or department chairs or district representatives or

the

> principals, that they will bend over backwards to help me. On the

other

> hand, as a teacher, when a parent only feeds me everything I do

wrong and I

> know I won't be able to please them, there is a tendency to respond

less

> quickly.

>

> Just a few notes on handling " the system. " Good luck. There are

answers--be

> persistent.

>

> Debbie in NC

Debbie,

I totally agree. I have found that recognizing and acknowledging

what the teacher is doing right goes a long way toward getting their

cooperation. I learned this very early on. Before my son got his

IEP I was in a battle with the school to get it for him. We were

getting him private testing and the school was extremely stiff and

hostile with us, as were we with them. Then one day got into a

situation with the teacher. The teacher called me up and was

extremely rude to me. I knew that there was no way that my son was

going to survive the year with him, nor was I, since he was so

disrespectful to me and had been from the start - even when I had

tried to meet with him to explain 's situation. He had clearly

bought into the story that we were nutty parents making unreasonable

demands. So, I called the principal. He answered the phone with a

weary, " Yessssss, Mrs. Winters. " At that point I did something that

totally changed the nature of our relationship. I said, in a very

humble voice, " I need your guidance. " Welllll, the change in this

man was unbelievable. The brusk, grumpy guy suddenly acted like I

was his granddaughter asking for advise. We both talked quietly and

in the end I said, " This is not the right teacher for my son. Is

there anyway we can move him out of that class? " Ta da! Done. He

ended up with the most wonderful, loving, caring teacher I could ever

have asked for. She even ended up having my other son two years

later and, despite my two wacky sons, she and I still like and

respect each other to this day. And the principal and I were friends

from there on and he eventually picked up some books and started

learning (Who says old dogs can't learn new tricks.) And he became

's biggest advocate.

Kathy

[Guest guest]

Hi,

I appreciate your warnings on " the system " .

One reason I vent here is because I try to be as positive as possible

with the teacher. I've asked if there was anything I could provide

for the classroom and provided it promptly. I've gone in to read a

" Dr. Seuss " book at her request.

I realize neither she nor the school district caused my daughter to

have autism. The only thing I fault them for (to myself and maybe

this list) is when they heedlessly do something that is not in my

daughter's best interest. The result is that she gets stressed, holds

it together at school and is extremely crabby to me when she gets

home.

I have not yet figured out how to get enough of the teacher's

attention. I went to a lot of effort to write a version of the OASIS

Teacher Letter of Introduction about my daughter's needs. There is no

inclusion specialist working with my daughter (although time with

closest thing our district has, the program specialist, is in her IEP)

and joining a new mainstream classroom mid-year is challenging for any

child, let alone one with my child's issues. When I send the teacher

email, she sometimes doesn't answer. I feel like I am groping around,

not knowing the curriculum and so not being able to anticipate what

will be too demanding for my daughter. I wish she would take input

from my daughter's aide who has been with her almost 2 years now.

I am working on trying to get the district's program specialist to

call me. (I haven't been able to call her and no one at the main

school district number seems to know how to get in touch with her.)

She could be an intermediary.

I will try to make this work because there seems to be no alternative.

[Guest guest]

Hi Debbie,

This whole restraint issue sounds very hard I'm glad we haven't gone

there yet.

It is hard to know which kind of child has it harder - one like yours

who acts out or one like mine who holds it in until she gets home.

Good luck.

[Guest guest]

<<<<<<We

> just finished with a teacher who suggested that in her " experience

autistic

>

> children simply are not aggressive.>>>

woaaaaaaa...................... experience she does NOT have !!!!

F

[Guest guest]

In a message dated 3/11/2003 7:14:49 PM Eastern Standard Time,

weinert@... writes:

> More questions:

> 1) Can we reasonably ask the kindergarten teachers to stagger recess

> so that there are not 40 kids on the playground during recess at

> once? Most other kindergartens in our school district do this.

> 2) Do special ed kids need to take district wide tests? Can I ask for

> an accomodation for skipping the tests altoghether or getting help to

> do them?

>

these are things that need to be written into her IEP. I would say

that they do have to make accommodations for her based on her disability. Be

very specific. Pam

[Guest guest]

In a message dated 3/15/2003 9:05:21 PM Eastern Standard Time,

weinert@... writes:

> I am working on trying to get the district's program specialist to

> call me. (I haven't been able to call her and no one at the main

> school district number seems to know how to get in touch with her.)

> She could be an intermediary.

>

have you tried sending written correspondence certified mail with

return receipts? I have found in my experience that you are almost

guaranteed a quick response.

[Guest guest]

In a message dated 3/15/03 8:41:02 PM Pacific Standard Time, kneeleee@...

writes:

<< If you are not getting anywhere, start going up the food chain until you

do.

Send letters and start CCing copies to others. At some point, someone will

help you. Plus you have created a paper trail to document your attempts. >>

Good advice that really works.

Debbie from NC

[Guest guest]

In a message dated 3/16/03 12:02:18 PM Pacific Standard Time,

josape@... writes:

<< The times I have heard that phrase, is there something going on at

home?*/****?!!!!**(bleeped out)What I've never thought to say back, but have

since thought is...when they see a problem behaviour...you say,' is there

something going on at school?????' >>

Dear Jo:

Unfortunately I have more intimate experience with that phrase, having been

investigated

once because a neighbor saw Danny throwing a fit and thought his father

caused it, once because another neighbor, spurred on by the first, thought

there was a problem, and finally because a teacher thought a mark on Danny's

neck was the result of someone choking him. I lost my job at a Christian

school as a result of the last one--tho they would never admit that was the

reason they wouldn't renew my contract. I finally contacted one my neighbors

instrumental in spreading bad things about us around the neighborhood and the

school and asked her why she never bothered to talk to me. My fellow

Christian replied " I thought you would lie. I would. "

The teacher kept asking me about the stress level and frustration level I was

feeling. I kept wondering where she was coming from. Obviously, ignorant

people have a hard time believing (1) that such children exist and the

parents aren't the problem and (2) that a parent could possibly find a way to

handle the situation.

The good news is that we have moved far, far away and that is all behind us.

Thus my need to openly inform people of Danny's condition and do a lot of

pre-explaining before they see the behavior. I am sure my whole perspective

is colored by these experiences; I know I will never forget the nightmare

they were.

Debbie in NC

[Guest guest]

> > I am working on trying to get the district's program specialist to

> > call me.>>>

nah-nah-no!!!

that's wording that gets you nowhere. here is how you should say it :

I am working on getting the district's program specialist to call me.>>>>>>

:-)

Borg ways......

Fania

[Guest guest]

Dear Debbie, The times I have heard that phrase, is there something going on at

home?*/****?!!!!**(bleeped out)What I've never thought to say back, but have

since thought is...when they see a problem behaviour...you say,' is there

something going on at school?????'

By the way ,when I set up a cuppa 'n chat group for parents/carers and the

teaching staff started to see me not as them and us, some teachers would talk

about children's problems as being totally caused by 'those parents'. I do know

this isn't all, as Dan had several really caring,not necessarily experienced in

AS but a great attitude and empathy were enough to make a difference.As you

obviously know. jo.d.

Re: ( ) My woes

In a message dated 3/15/03 6:04:14 PM Pacific Standard Time,

weinert@... writes:

<< I will try to make this work because there seems to be no alternative. >>

,

I feel the stress of the system on my child, too. Danny is in a classroom

with a wonderful teacher. But they don't know him like I do. Danny has been

having melt-downs at the end of the school day lately. When I went to pick

him up(too bad to ride the cab), he had a larger melt down. The behavioral

person at the school and I managed to restrain him(he is strong for 8).

The problem was that when I restrain him at home(thank goodness I haven't had

to in over a year), I have learned to provide the security without the

attention. In other words, I hold him so he won't hurt either of us and I

hold him just firm enough to be uncomfortable, so he won't want the

restraint. Then I occasionally say " When you are finished let me know and I

will let go on part of you at a time. " It has always worked.

When she was restraining with me, she kept talking soothingly to him,

causing him to react all the more. Finally she picked up my cue and stopped.

She also commented that they need to be careful what they say to him because

he takes off with it. That is, they have been talking to him about anger

control and giving him lots of " neat " books about anger and frustration.

Well guess what Danny's new focus is? Anger and frustration. They just

didn''t and don't seem to realize that he becomes obsessed with something

that has caused a strong emotion--postive or negative. If something caused

everyone to get in an uproar and created a melt-down for him, unless they

" deprogram " him somehow, he will likely repeat it the next time the same

event occurs or even worse at the same time of day the next day.

Deprogramming Danny means while he is calming down from the previous uproar

or at the slightest sign of a meltdown, I have to cause a new obsession. The

easiest ones so far have been finding things for him to count. " Danny, look

at all those trucks--how many do you think there are. " Of course, as he is

getting older, this counting has to become more challenging. The other thing

that has worked is asking him math facts like, " Danny what is 2 x 2, what is

3 x 100? " He is fascinated with numbers, so this takes his full attention.

Of course, the key is it is a positive obsession.

My point is that the teachers don't know him like I do. They can't. And

unless they have an AS kid, I think they are at a disadvantage no matter what

IEP he has. All we have to do is remember all the times when we, who know

best, are taken by surprise at the latest sign of the disorder--the one we

didn't anticipate.

I'm not trying to make excuses for stupidity and lack of responsibility. We

just finished with a teacher who suggested that in her " experience autistic

children simply are not aggressive. I believe he has an anger issue. Is

there something going on at home? " Oh, the things I thought of to say later.

I just think we have a long way to go before our children are understood and

before anyone comes up with a plan for them that will really work.

Debbie from NC

[Guest guest]

Dear Debbie, I so feel for you experiencing the ignorant holyer than thou types.

When dan was younger, about 4yo I had to have a wrist band linking him to me via

a 4foot strap. Not because I couldnt be bothered to hold his hand which I did,

(unlike many mums now that let 3yo run towards the rd and couldnt seem to care

less.) It being a necessity when getting money out to pay for things in that

second dan could have ran for it. On one such shopping trip a woman passes me

and said'got your kid on a dog leash?.....,disgusting! ****####

I was so gobsmacked I couldnt speak.!! Jo. d.

Re: ( ) My woes

In a message dated 3/16/03 12:02:18 PM Pacific Standard Time,

josape@... writes:

<< The times I have heard that phrase, is there something going on at

home?*/****?!!!!**(bleeped out)What I've never thought to say back, but have

since thought is...when they see a problem behaviour...you say,' is there

something going on at school?????' >>

Dear Jo:

Unfortunately I have more intimate experience with that phrase, having been

investigated

once because a neighbor saw Danny throwing a fit and thought his father

caused it, once because another neighbor, spurred on by the first, thought

there was a problem, and finally because a teacher thought a mark on Danny's

neck was the result of someone choking him. I lost my job at a Christian

school as a result of the last one--tho they would never admit that was the

reason they wouldn't renew my contract. I finally contacted one my neighbors

instrumental in spreading bad things about us around the neighborhood and the

school and asked her why she never bothered to talk to me. My fellow

Christian replied " I thought you would lie. I would. "

The teacher kept asking me about the stress level and frustration level I was

feeling. I kept wondering where she was coming from. Obviously, ignorant

people have a hard time believing (1) that such children exist and the

parents aren't the problem and (2) that a parent could possibly find a way to

handle the situation.

The good news is that we have moved far, far away and that is all behind us.

Thus my need to openly inform people of Danny's condition and do a lot of

pre-explaining before they see the behavior. I am sure my whole perspective

is colored by these experiences; I know I will never forget the nightmare

they were.

Debbie in NC

[Guest guest]

> The good news is that we have moved far, far away and that is all

behind us.

> Thus my need to openly inform people of Danny's condition and do

a lot of

> pre-explaining before they see the behavior. I am sure my whole

perspective

> is colored by these experiences; I know I will never forget the

nightmare

> they were.

>

> Debbie in NC

Oh boy. That's scary. I have never been investigated, but am

certainly intimately acquainted with the, " Is there a problem at

home? " question. It has always concerned me when the guidance

counselor calls the kid in, unbeknownst to me and quizzes him on his

home life. I have nothing to hide, but you know how kids can say

things that can be misconstued.

Last year, when was falling apart in middle school, the guidance

counselor asked him if he had any problems at home. He told her that

he had no problems at all at home..that all his problems were in

school. Boy, was I ever grateful to him for THAT!!!!

Kathy