scared/ poss surgery

[Guest guest]

I am sure you are all familiar with my story, I am seeing Dr

Sutherland in Minnesota Sept 2, for my consult and I was told that I

should be prepared that things usually go pretty quickly. Now that I

am done fighting to get there, the cold reality of what I am now

probably going to be up against is really hitting me. This is such a

big surgery, and I am really scared. I have been praying a lot. I am

not scared of the pain or the recovery, I can get through that. I am

afraid of dying. I have always been a self aware person, never was a

kid even when I was a child. I am a christian and have been for a

long time. I always realized my mortality but because of my faith it

never frightened me. NOW, I have children. That just changes all of

the rules. I am so terrified of something happening to me because of

them. It has been weighing on my mind so heavily that I haven't been

sleeping and when I do I have related nightmares. I am not sure what

I am looking for from you all, I just don't have anyone else who can

understand exactly what I am going through right now. My husband, God

love him, tells me that I am silly, nothing will happen. He is trying

to make me feel better, but that just doesn't cut it. That

conversation upsets him, he can't talk about it. He has a hard time

talking seriously about it, the one time I tried to force a

conversation, his only other answer was " well then don't do it " . That

is not even a choice because I have to fight to have a better life

for myself and for them. I don't want to live like this forever if

there is even a chance that I can be better.

Sorry to lay all of this heavy stuff on you all. I don't mean to

bring you all down, just had to reach out to someone, and you all are

always there for me and everyone else. Thanks for listening. I am

grateful for all of you. Keri:)

[Guest guest]

In a message dated 8/15/2003 3:22:48 AM Eastern Daylight Time,

jandcsmomma@... writes:

> . Now that I

> am done fighting to get there, the cold reality of what I am now

> probably going to be up against is really hitting me

Hi Keri, I know exactly how you are feeling. I know how you are thinking. I

had the surgery December 8, 2000. I was so afraid the days before my surgery

and then when we went to MN and stayed in a hotel the night before my surgery

my husband and daughter said that I didn't talk very much. I didn't realize

that I wasn't talking until they told me. I was so afraid of the surgery the

next morning. But when I gave it a lot of thought and bounced back in forth

in my mind what would my life be like if I didn't have the surgery and what

would it be like if I had the surgery. I knew that my health would only

deteriorate more and then what use would I be to my daughter and husband. I

went into

surgery thinking that the surgery was going to save me. That Dr. Sutherland

was going to remove that monster from my body that was causing so many

problems for me. Problems that had brought me so close to death all ready. So

what

is the difference. I knew after the pancreas was removed I would not have

anymore pain, I would be able to eat again, I would remove so much worry and

strain from my family. I wouldn't have attacks, have to be on TPN, wouldn't

have

blood infections, the list goes on and on. My biggest concern was getting

cancer of my pancreas and now I don't have to worry about that anymore. So when

I added up the positives and the negatives the positives were much longer and

very convincing. I went into surgery I guess a little numb from fear but I

believe that helped me. I went into surgery with my prayers said. I went into

surgery knowing that when I woke I would not have a pancreas any longer and I

knew that would be wonderful. All my years of going from doctor to doctor

trying to get help for the pain and attacks would be ended soon. That was

wonderful. The thought of that part of my life ending and being able to eat

made me

ecstatic.

I knew that I had the best surgeon operating on me and that gave me great

comfort. Dr. Sutherland is wonderful. He gave me back my life. I continue to

thank him to myself. I know what a blessing I have received and I give

greatest thanks to God. He saved me from Ovarian cancer and then he saved me

from

chronic pancreatitis and all of it's other illnesses it brings along with it. I

feel that I would not be living right now had I not had the TP/ICT. I feel

so blessed that the surgery was available when I needed it.

I know you are frightened Keri and that is normal. But try to think of your

life without cp. I knew right away that my pancreas had been removed when I

was recovering in the hospital. The pain that I had become accustomed to, the

pain that I was trying to make my friend just so I could live each day in

better spirits was completely gone. I rejoiced over and over again. I continue

to

rejoice. I continue to thank God as my family does so often. So Keri, I

realize that you are very frightened because I have been there and I was

frightened also. But try to think on the brighter side and your surgery will be

easier for you. During your recovery think positive about your life to come and

your recovery will be so much easier. I tend to get emotional when I think or

talk about my TP/ICT. I can't help it since it brought me back to life. I

feel reborn. I have been rambleing and I apologize but having my pancreas

removed means so much to me.

When is your surgery date and I will be sure to pray for you? Remember you

will have lots of prayers going out for you and think positive and it will make

so much difference. Don't be hard on yourself for thinking negative or scary

thoughts, That is normal. Just try to turn those thoughts around and think

what you have been living with and after your surgery and recovery how much

your life will change for the better. Write me anytime and I will be here to

hear your fears or to help you cope. Shirley

[Guest guest]

Dear Keri,

I am writing just to offer you my support - I have not gone through

this surgery but I have had two emergency major abdominal

surgeries so I feel I can empathize somewhat.

The thing that I think of when something I choose to do could

end up killing me (that is, surgery) I remember that God

determines when I die and if he guides me to a decision, then I

have to accept that this may be the way he planned my death (or

not.... I am not saying that this is what will happen). Not a car

accident, not a heart attack or never waking up when elderly......In

any event the results are the same: some call it fatalistic, I call it

faith. For whatever reason, he changed your life so that you had

to make the decision to have the surgery, so this is something

that you can do nothing about other than trust in him, no matter

what happens. God doesn't want us to live in pain, I would think,

and it is natural for you to choose a way to stop the pain. So, it is

a decision that really is out of your hands and completely in his,

that is, he forced this action on you. So I would recommend that

you be at peace with it, that God wouldn't have given you the

option of having the surgery (after-all we can say that we are

lucky to be alive at a time when there is a treatment available) if

he hadn't a plan for you and consider that this decision is really

his, not yours - in a philosophical manner.

That being said, I know that it is rough and I hope that as the day

gets closer you feel more confident in your decision and that the

procedure goes flawlessly.

Laurie