Hampster Whacking-lol- a gotta read story

[Guest guest]

The Hamster

If you have raised kids (or been one), and gone through the pet syndrome

including toilet-flush burials for dead goldfish, the story below will have you

laughing out LOUD!

I had to take my son's hamster to the vet. Here's what

happened: Just after dinner one night, my son came up to tell me there was

" something wrong " with one of the two hamsters he holds prisoner in his room.

" He's just lying there looking sick, " he told me. " I'm

serious, Dad. Can you help? " I put my best hamster-healer statement on my

face and followed him into his bedroom. One of the little rodents was indeed

lying on

his back, looking stressed. I immediately knew what to do.

" Honey, " I called, " come look at the hamster! "

" Oh, my gosh, " my wife diagnosed after a minute. " She's having babies. "

" What? " my son demanded. " But their names are Bert and Ernie, Mom! "

I was equally outraged. " Hey, how can that be? I thought we said we didn't

want them to reproduce, " I

accused my wife.

" Well, what do you want me to do, post a sign in their cage? " she inquired.

(I actually think she said this sarcastically!)

" No, but you were supposed to get two boys! " I reminded her, (in my most

loving, calm, sweet voice, while gritting my teeth together).

" Yeah, Bert and Ernie! " my son agreed.

" Well, it's just a little hard to tell on some guys, ya know, " she informed

me. (Again with the sarcasm, ya think?)

By now the rest of the family had gathered to see what was going on. I

shrugged, deciding to make the best of it. " Kids, this is going to be a wondrous

experience, I announced. " We're about to witness the miracle of

birth. "

" OH, Gross! " , they shrieked.

" Well, isn't THAT just Great!; what are we going to do with a litter of tiny

little hamster babies? " my wife wanted to know. (I really do think she was

being snotty here, too. don't you?) We peered at the patient. After much

struggling, what looked like a tiny foot would appear briefly, vanishing a scant

second later.

" We don't appear to be making much progress, " I noted.

" It's breech, " my wife whispered, horrified.

" Do something, Dad! " my son urged.

" Okay, okay. " Squeamishly, I reached in and grabbed the foot when it next

appeared, giving it a gingerly tug. It disappeared. I tried several more times

with the same results.

" Should I call 911? " my eldest daughter wanted to know. " Maybe they could

talk us through the

trauma.. " (You see a pattern here with the females in my house?)

" Let's get Ernie to the vet, " I said grimly. We drove to the vet with my son

holding the cage in his lap.

Breathe, Ernie, breathe, " he urged.

" I don't think hamsters do Lamaze, " his mother noted to him. (Women can be so

cruel to their own young. I

mean what she does to me is one thing, but this boy is of her womb, for God's

sake.)

The vet took Ernie back to the examining room and

peered at the little animal through a magnifying glass. " What do you think,

Doc, a c-section? " I suggested scientifically.

" Oh, very interesting, " he murmured. " Mr. and Mrs. Cameron, may I speak to

you privately for a moment? "

I gulped, nodding for my son to step outside. " Is Ernie going to be okay? " my

wife asked.

Oh, perfectly, " the vet assured us. " This hamster is not in labor. In fact,

that isn't EVER going to happen... Ernie is a boy. " " What!? " " You see, Ernie

is a young

male. And occasionally, as they come into maturity, like most male species,

they um.... er.... masturbate. Just the way he did, lying on his back. "

He blushed, glancing at my wife. " Well, you know

what I'm saying, Mr. Cameron. " We were silent, absorbing this.

" So Ernie's just...just...Excited? " , my wife offered.

" Exactly, " the vet replied, relieved that we understood.

More silence. Then my vicious, cruel wife started to giggle. And giggle. And

then even laugh loudly.

" What's so funny? " I demanded, knowing, but not believing that the woman I

married would commit the upcoming affront to my flawless manliness.

Tears were now running down her face. " It's just...that...I'm picturing you

pulling on its...its...teeny little... " she gasped for more air to bellow in

laughter once more.

" That's enough, " I warned. We thanked the Veterinarian and hurriedly bundled

the hamsters and our son back into the car. He was glad everything was going

to be okay.

" I know Ernie's really thankful for what you've done,

Dad, " he told me.

" Oh, you have NO idea, " my wife agreed, collapsing with laughter.

2 - Hamsters - 10 bucks... 1 - Cage - 20 bucks

Trip to the Vet ...30 > > >bucks... Pictures of your hubby pulling on the

hamster's wacker ......Priceless

[Guest guest]

I was laughing so hard I almost peed my pants!!!!

Chrystal

Wife to Jace - together 6 Years!

Happy Mommy to - 4 Years Old!

New Baby Boy Swenson Due July 28, 2004!

Zookeeper for 2 big dogs and 5 cats who let me feed them!

http://chrystallife.50megs.com/

http://members.ebay.com/aboutme/seeswensonauctions/