Bert and Ernie

[Guest guest]

Subject: Fwd: Fw: Bert and Ernie

YOU ARE GOING TO LOVE THIS ONE.

GO TO THE WASHROOM BEFORE YOU READ IT.

If you have raised kids (or been one), and gone

through the pet syndrome including toilet flush

burials for dead goldfish, the story below will have

you laughing out LOUD!

Overview: I had to take my son's lizard to the vet.

Here's what happened:

Just after dinner one night, my son came up to tell me

there was "something wrong" with one of the two

lizards he holds prisoner in his room.

"He's just lying there looking sick," he told me. "I'm

serious dad, can you help?"

I put my best lizard-healer statement on my face and

followed him into his bedroom. One of the little

lizards was indeed lying on his back, looking

stressed. I immediately knew what to do.

"Honey," I called, " come look at the lizard!"

"Oh my gosh," my wife diagnosed after a minute. "She's

having babies."

"What?" my son demanded. "But their names are Bert and

Ernie, Mom!"

I was equally outraged.

"Hey, how can that be? I thought we said we didn't

want them to reproduce," I accused my wife.

"Well, what do you want me to do, post a sign in their

cage?" she inquired.(I actually think she said this

sarcastically!)

"No, but you were supposed to get two boys!" I

reminded her, (in my most loving, calm, sweet voice,

while gritting my teeth together).

"Yeah, Bert and Ernie!" my son agreed.

"Well, it's just a little hard to tell on some guys,

you know," she informed me. (again with the sarcasm,

you think?)

By now the rest of the family had gathered to see what

was going on. I shrugged, deciding to make the best of

it.

"Kids, this is going to be a wondrous experience, I

announced. "We're about to witness the miracle of

birth."

"Oh, gross!" they shrieked.

"Well, isn't THAT just great! What are we going to do

with a litter of tiny little lizard babies?" my wife

wanted to know. (I really do think she was being

snotty here, too. Don't you?)

We peered at the patient. After much struggling, what

looked like a tiny foot would appear briefly,

vanishing a scant second later.

"We don't appear to be making much progress," I noted.

"It's breech," my wife whispered, horrified.

"Do something, Dad!" my son urged.

"Okay, okay." Squeamishly , I reached in and grabbed

the foot when it next appeared, giving it a gentle

tug. It disappeared. I tried several more times with

the same results.

"Should I call 911," my eldest daughter wanted to

know. "Maybe they could talk us through the trauma."

(You see a pattern here with the females in my house?)

"Let's get Ernie to the vet," I said grimly. We drove

to the vet with my son holding the cage in his lap.

"Breathe, Ernie, breathe," he urged.

"I don't think lizards do Lamaze," his mother noted to

him. (Women can be so cruel to their own young. I mean

what she does to me is one thing, but this boy is of

her womb, for God's sake.)

The Vet took Ernie back to the examining room and

peered at the little animal through a magnifying

glass.

"What do you think, Doc, a C-section?" I suggested

scientifically.

"Oh, very interesting," he murmured. "Mr. and Mrs.

Cameron, may I speak to you privately for a moment?"

I gulped, nodding for my son to step outside.

"Is Ernie going to be okay?" my wife asked.

"Oh, perfectly," the Vet assured us. "This lizard is

not in labor. In fact, that isn't EVER going to

happen... Ernie is a boy. You see, Ernie is a young

male. And occasionally, as they come into maturity,

like most male species, they um.... um.... masturbate.

Just the way he did, lying on his back." He blushed,

glancing at my wife.

"Well, you know what I'm saying, Mr. Cameron."

We were silent, absorbing this.

"So Ernie's just... just... excited," my wife offered.

"Exactly," the vet replied, relieved that we

understood.

More silence. Then my viscous, cruel wife started to

giggle. And giggle. And then even laugh loudly.

"What's so funny?" I demanded, knowing, but not

believing that the woman I married would commit the

upcoming affront to my flawless manliness.

Tears were now running down her face. Laughing "It's

just... that... I'm picturing you pulling on its...

its... teeny little..." she gasped for more air to

bellow in laughter once more.

"That's enough," I warned. We thanked the Vet and

hurriedly bundled the lizards and our son back into

the car. He was glad everything was going to be okay.

"I know Ernie's really thankful for what you've done,

Dad," he told me.

"Oh, you have NO idea,"

Closed mouth, my wife agreed, collapsing with

laughter.

1 - Lizards - $140...

2 - Cage - $50...

3 - Trip to the Vet - $30...

4 - Memory of your husband pulling on a lizard's

winkie..... Priceless

Moral of the story - finish biology class - lizards

lay eggs

[Guest guest]

OMGosh!!!! LOL....!!!!!!! HA! S.tiodaat@... wrote: Subject: Fwd: Fw: Bert and ErnieYOU ARE GOING TO LOVE THIS ONE.GO TO THE WASHROOM

BEFORE YOU READ IT. If you have raised kids (or been one), and gonethrough the pet syndrome including toilet flushburials for dead goldfish, the story below will have you laughing out LOUD! Overview: I had to take my son's lizard to the vet. Here's what happened: Just after dinner one night, my son came up to tell methere was "something wrong" with one of the two lizards he holds prisoner in his room. "He's just lying there looking sick," he told me. "I'mserious dad, can you help?" I put my best lizard-healer statement on my face andfollowed him into his bedroom. One of the littlelizards was indeed lying on his back, lookingstressed. I immediately knew what to do. "Honey," I called, " come look at the lizard!" "Oh my gosh," my

wife diagnosed after a minute. "She'shaving babies." "What?" my son demanded. "But their names are Bert andErnie, Mom!" I was equally outraged. "Hey, how can that be? I thought we said we didn'twant them to reproduce," I accused my wife. "Well, what do you want me to do, post a sign in theircage?" she inquired.(I actually think she said this sarcastically!) "No, but you were supposed to get two boys!" Ireminded her, (in my most loving, calm, sweet voice,while gritting my teeth together). "Yeah, Bert and Ernie!" my son agreed. "Well, it's just a little hard to tell on some guys,you know," she informed me. (again with the sarcasm,you think?) By now the rest of the family had gathered to see whatwas going on. I shrugged, deciding to make the best of it. "Kids, this is going to be a wondrous experience, Iannounced. "We're about to witness the miracle

ofbirth." "Oh, gross!" they shrieked. "Well, isn't THAT just great! What are we going to do with a litter of tiny little lizard babies?" my wifewanted to know. (I really do think she was beingsnotty here, too. Don't you?) We peered at the patient. After much struggling, whatlooked like a tiny foot would appear briefly, vanishing a scant second later. "We don't appear to be making much progress," I noted."It's breech," my wife whispered, horrified. "Do something, Dad!" my son urged. "Okay, okay." Squeamishly , I reached in and grabbedthe foot when it next appeared, giving it a gentletug. It disappeared. I tried several more times withthe same results. "Should I call 911," my eldest daughter wanted to know. "Maybe they could talk us through the trauma."(You see a pattern here with the females in my house?)"Let's get Ernie to the vet," I said grimly. We

droveto the vet with my son holding the cage in his lap. "Breathe, Ernie, breathe," he urged. "I don't think lizards do Lamaze," his mother noted tohim. (Women can be so cruel to their own young. I meanwhat she does to me is one thing, but this boy is of her womb, for God's sake.) The Vet took Ernie back to the examining room andpeered at the little animal through a magnifyingglass. "What do you think, Doc, a C-section?" I suggestedscientifically. "Oh, very interesting," he murmured. "Mr. and Mrs.Cameron, may I speak to you privately for a moment?" I gulped, nodding for my son to step outside. "Is Ernie going to be okay?" my wife asked. "Oh, perfectly," the Vet assured us. "This lizard isnot in labor. In fact, that isn't EVER going tohappen... Ernie is a boy. You see, Ernie is a youngmale. And occasionally, as they come into maturity, like most male species,

they um.... um.... masturbate.Just the way he did, lying on his back." He blushed,glancing at my wife. "Well, you know what I'm saying, Mr. Cameron." We were silent, absorbing this. "So Ernie's just... just... excited," my wife offered."Exactly," the vet replied, relieved that weunderstood. More silence. Then my viscous, cruel wife started togiggle. And giggle. And then even laugh loudly. "What's so funny?" I demanded, knowing, but notbelieving that the woman I married would commit theupcoming affront to my flawless manliness. Tears were now running down her face. Laughing "It's just... that... I'm picturing you pulling on its...its... teeny little..." she gasped for more air tobellow in laughter once more. "That's enough," I warned. We thanked the Vet andhurriedly bundled the lizards and our son back into the car. He was glad everything was going to be okay.

"I know Ernie's really thankful for what you've done,Dad," he told me. "Oh, you have NO idea," Closed mouth, my wife agreed, collapsing with laughter. 1 - Lizards - $140... 2 - Cage - $50... 3 - Trip to the Vet - $30... 4 - Memory of your husband pulling on a lizard'swinkie..... Priceless Moral of the story - finish biology class - lizards lay eggs

Stay in the know. Pulse on the new Yahoo.com. Check it out.