Guest guest Posted January 21, 2003 Report Share Posted January 21, 2003 In a message dated 1/22/2003 5:56:13 AM Eastern Standard Time, datwell@... writes: > I just want to thank everyone who has gone back to a childhood situation > and shared it openly -- as a parent who is trying in all ways to do > something " totally different " and didn't get the manual " healthy child 101 " > by you all sharing the painful things that happened... even the " nuances " > of > those situations and the effect of words, looks, deeds... all that stuff is > SO helpful to read, remind me, give me 'thought' to how to and how NOT > to... > just so much really helpful information -- so, I wanted to thank all of you > who have and continue to share those painful times. > : Just remember, these things said on occasion is not harmful, it is only when there is a pattern of put downs by the parent, that the damage occurs. Criticisms surrounded by compliments are the key. Fay Bayuk - Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted January 22, 2003 Report Share Posted January 22, 2003 >>>Of course says it right in front of the kid, humiliating him/her. Duh. How cruel.<<< I just want to thank everyone who has gone back to a childhood situation and shared it openly -- as a parent who is trying in all ways to do something " totally different " and didn't get the manual " healthy child 101 " by you all sharing the painful things that happened... even the " nuances " of those situations and the effect of words, looks, deeds... all that stuff is SO helpful to read, remind me, give me 'thought' to how to and how NOT to... just so much really helpful information -- so, I wanted to thank all of you who have and continue to share those painful times. hugz, ~denise Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted January 22, 2003 Report Share Posted January 22, 2003 I'm late to get on this thread but here's just one of my " tapes " that hasn't been erased yet (but I hope it will be!) On my wedding day, there we were in the vestible of the church. The aisle runner had been pulled down, the church was full of friends, family and loved ones all trying to get a glimpse of the bride. All the guests had been seated and it was time for my mother to be escourted to her seat. I was so delirious with happiness that I was crying. After all, here it was....my moment. The culimination of every little girls dream. I was getting married....for the first time in my life it was all about me. This was it! My mother kissed me as she lifted my veil to cover my face and whispered in my ear, " You're fat. Fat, fat, fat.....and brides don't cry!) Then she went off to her seat. I was so stunned I did stop crying but I don't know if I can ever forget that. This fall DH and I will be married 25 years. I've asked him if we can reaffirm our vows and get remarried. I still have my gown, need it altered. The best man (BIL) will be here like he always is for our anniversary and my maid of honor is my sister! But DH just doesn't understand why I need NOT to be a fat bride. Maybe, just maybe this will erase that tape. Sue / Lola Open RNY 10/26/98 From 500 lbs to 161 Dr Barry L Fisher Truncoplasty 8/9/01 Brachioplasty Thighplasty 4/3/02 Dr Weiland ^v^v^v^v^v^v^v^v^v^v^v^v^v^v^v^v^ http://mygastricbypass.com or http://www.lvcm.com/njtomato/ We are all angels with one wing - we need friends to help us fly. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted January 22, 2003 Report Share Posted January 22, 2003 Sue, that must have been a horrible experience. There are a few tapes I still have lingering around. Fortunately they only bother me when depressed. Probably my worst was a diet story. I had started on one of those many diets where you substituted a protein bar type thing for 2 meals a day. I had decided to breakfast and dinner because I didn't want anyone at work to know I was on a diet incase I failed. I had eaten my little bar one night. My dad had come home from work late and so my mother, dad, and I were talking at the table while my dad ate. At one point my dad put some food on his fork, stuck it about 3 inches in front of my face and started laughing. He was always the most critical about my weight and yet seemed to be able to sabotage it. (I wonder how much of the sabotage had to do with his own weight issues.) Lori Owen - Denton, Texas CHF 4/14/01 479 lbs. SRVG 7/16/01 401 lbs. Current Weight 339.5 lbs. and loosing again Dr. Ritter/Dr. Bryce On Wed, 22 Jan 2003 08:30:24 -0800 " Sue Barr " suebarr@...> writes: > I'm late to get on this thread but here's just one of my " tapes " that > hasn't been erased yet (but I hope it will be!) > > On my wedding day, there we were in the vestible of the church. The > aisle runner had been pulled down, the church was full of friends, > family and loved ones all trying to get a glimpse of the bride. All > the guests had been seated and it was time for my mother to be > escourted to her seat. I was so delirious with happiness that I was > crying. After all, here it was....my moment. The culimination of > every little girls dream. I was getting married....for the first > time in my life it was all about me. This was it! > > My mother kissed me as she lifted my veil to cover my face and > whispered in my ear, " You're fat. Fat, fat, fat.....and brides don't > cry!) Then she went off to her seat. I was so stunned I did stop > crying but I don't know if I can ever forget that. > > This fall DH and I will be married 25 years. I've asked him if we > can reaffirm our vows and get remarried. I still have my gown, need > it altered. The best man (BIL) will be here like he always is for > our anniversary and my maid of honor is my sister! But DH just > doesn't understand why I need NOT to be a fat bride. Maybe, just > maybe this will erase that tape. > > Sue / Lola > Open RNY 10/26/98 > From 500 lbs to 161 > Dr Barry L Fisher > > Truncoplasty 8/9/01 > Brachioplasty Thighplasty 4/3/02 > Dr Weiland Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted January 22, 2003 Report Share Posted January 22, 2003 Sue What a horrible thing to say to a bride!!! At a time when she should have been affirming you and loving the wonderful person that you are! I am so glad that you are reaffirming your vows. We re-affirmed ours in September on our 25th wedding anniversary. Ironically enough, my oldest brother who once told me that I was so fat that I would never get married, escorted me down the aisle. How is that for sweet revenge? Best wishes! Carol Richmond, VA Sue Barr wrote: > I'm late to get on this thread but here's just one of my " tapes " that hasn't been erased yet (but I hope it will be!) > > On my wedding day, there we were in the vestible of the church. The aisle runner had been pulled down, the church was full of friends, family and loved ones all trying to get a glimpse of the bride. All the guests had been seated and it was time for my mother to be escourted to her seat. I was so delirious with happiness that I was crying. After all, here it was....my moment. The culimination of every little girls dream. I was getting married....for the first time in my life it was all about me. This was it! > > My mother kissed me as she lifted my veil to cover my face and whispered in my ear, " You're fat. Fat, fat, fat.....and brides don't cry!) Then she went off to her seat. I was so stunned I did stop crying but I don't know if I can ever forget that. > > This fall DH and I will be married 25 years. I've asked him if we can reaffirm our vows and get remarried. I still have my gown, need it altered. The best man (BIL) will be here like he always is for our anniversary and my maid of honor is my sister! But DH just doesn't understand why I need NOT to be a fat bride. Maybe, just maybe this will erase that tape. > > Sue / Lola > > Open RNY 10/26/98 > > From 500 lbs to 161 > > Dr Barry L Fisher > > Truncoplasty 8/9/01 > > Brachioplasty Thighplasty 4/3/02 > > Dr Weiland > > ^v^v^v^v^v^v^v^v^v^v^v^v^v^v^v^v^ > > http://mygastricbypass.com or > > http://www.lvcm.com/njtomato/ > > We are all angels with one wing - we need friends to help us fly. > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted January 23, 2003 Report Share Posted January 23, 2003 In a message dated 1/22/03 6:25:12 AM Central Standard Time, fbayuk@... writes: << these things said on occasion is not harmful, it is only when there is a pattern of put downs by the parent, that the damage occurs. Criticisms surrounded by compliments are the key. >> -------------------------------- Well, sometimes I really wonder about that. Seems kids can have REALLY selective hearing at times, and if they're inclined to view the cup as half empty rather than half full, I think they remember the negatives 10-to-1 even tho the ratio may have been exactly the opposite. I can remember being totally flabbergasted by some of the things my daughters mentioned 10 and 20 years after the fact that made a huge impression that I never in a million years intended. Example: " Are you really sure that you need to go to that expensive out-of-state private college instead of the cheaper, close-to-home state college? " got remembered as I was not supportive of her career choice. (The course of study for music therapy wasn't offered at the state school). In her 3rd year, she changed her major altogether--to one that could easily have been done at the state college, lol. Another kid also thought I was unsupportive: " You never wanted me to go into opera. " Me: " What?!?! Your father was always on my case for defending your choice to him! " Her: " Well, you told me I might have to wait tables or sling burgers to support my career! " Me: " Just telling you what I know of the difficulty of trying to break into show biz or the entertainment industry; lots and lots of people had to do that while they were building a resume and waiting for their big break. " So, it seems cautionary remarks, meant only as guidance, can be entirely taken the wrong way. Now that's 2 kids out of 4. The other 2 don't have any memories like that at all. They are also the 2 with sunnier dispositions and strong can-do attitudes. All raised in the same family, all treated (as far as I can tell) equally. I think we're BORN with some of this stuff. Carol A Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted January 23, 2003 Report Share Posted January 23, 2003 In a message dated 1/22/03 10:35:11 AM Central Standard Time, suebarr@... writes: << But DH just doesn't understand why I need NOT to be a fat bride. Maybe, just maybe this will erase that tape. >> ------------------------------- I'd like to get married all over again, for a different reason. I had NO friends or family at my wedding. We eloped, got married by a j.p. For 41 years I have pined over the fact that I never had the long white froofy dress. Guess at 61, I'd look pretty silly in one. So that's just one more dream that will never happen. Carol A Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted January 23, 2003 Report Share Posted January 23, 2003 In a message dated 1/24/2003 1:43:54 AM Eastern Standard Time, tuesdynite@... writes: > So, it seems cautionary remarks, meant only as guidance, can be entirely > taken the wrong way. Now that's 2 kids out of 4. The other 2 don't have any > > memories like that at all. They are also the 2 with sunnier dispositions > and > strong can-do attitudes. All raised in the same family, all treated (as far > > as I can tell) equally. I think we're BORN with some of this stuff. > > Carol A > Carol, you are absolutely right about inborn personalities. You can check them out in the newborn nurseries. But, I was thinking more of life long permanent traumas. Your's sound like what kids say until they have kids of their own and then when you are too old to care they come back and apologize. You would never say to your daughter on her wedding day " you are fat, fat ,fat " . That kind of mean spiritness is what is so damaging. Fay Bayuk 300/175 10/23/01 Dr Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted January 24, 2003 Report Share Posted January 24, 2003 When hubby and I got married, we didn't have a wedding. A close friend, who is a judge, married us in his office. My mom was there. That was it. Last Saturday was our 3rd anniversary. We had a party. Three other couples joined us with their anniversary celebrations. We all celebrated 91 years of marriage. We had about 70 guests. I wore the dress I got married in (that was the only other time I ever wore it), and it was too big! LOL We had so much fun! Jac mailto:jholdaway@... http://www.pictureitdigitaldesigns.com/ http://members.cox.net/xxxfarmpaints Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted January 24, 2003 Report Share Posted January 24, 2003 In a message dated 1/24/2003 12:32:06 PM Eastern Standard Time, jholdaway@... writes: > When hubby and I got married, we didn't have a wedding. A close friend, who > is a judge, married us in his office. My mom was there. That was it. > Last Saturday was our 3rd anniversary. We had a party. Three other couples > joined us with their anniversary celebrations. We all celebrated 91 years > of > marriage. We had about 70 guests. I wore the dress I got married in (that > was the only other time I ever wore it), and it was too big! LOL We had so > much fun! *********************************** What a great idea! Happy Anniversary! in NJ Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted January 24, 2003 Report Share Posted January 24, 2003 Guess at 61, I'd look pretty silly in one. So that's just one more dream that will never happen. Carol A ************************************************************************ You know.....just as food for thought. I had a friend who's Mother (who was a widow) was getting married. She had never had the " WEDDING " with the dress and cake and party etc. When this woman went to remarry at the age of 60, she walked DOWN the isle in a proper Church (the newest part of this church was 14th century.....the oldest was 12th century)with a proper wedding dress (ok it wasn't WHITE.....it was a soft ivory)....had the Bently (this was England...that is their limo) to take them to the reception. Groom was in Top hat and Tails......and we partied ALL DAY LONG!!!!!!! It was AWESOME! Who SAYS you can't have the froofy Wedding DRESS? Debbie in Gig Harbor Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted January 24, 2003 Report Share Posted January 24, 2003 This thread has made me start to think about how nice it would be to be a skinny bride - or at least not such a fat bride that I couldn't find a regular wedding dress that fit. My dream " re-wedding " would be to renew my vows at the Wedding Pavilion at DisneyWorld. It's so beautiful on the shore with the with Cinderella's Castle in the background. Maybe I'll have to look into this a bit further. Terry Debbie McNeice-Schuyler wrote: >Guess at 61, I'd look pretty silly in one. So that's just one more >dream that will never happen. > >Carol A >************************************************************************ >You know.....just as food for thought. I had a friend who's Mother (who >was a widow) was getting married. She had never had the " WEDDING " with >the dress and cake and party etc. When this woman went to remarry at the >age of 60, she walked DOWN the isle in a proper Church (the newest part >of this church was 14th century.....the oldest was 12th century)with a >proper wedding dress (ok it wasn't WHITE.....it was a soft ivory)....had >the Bently (this was England...that is their limo) to take them to the >reception. Groom was in Top hat and Tails......and we partied ALL DAY >LONG!!!!!!! It was AWESOME! Who SAYS you can't have the froofy Wedding >DRESS? > >Debbie in Gig Harbor > > > > >Homepage: http://groups.yahoo.com/group/Graduate-OSSG > >Unsubscribe: mailto:Graduate-OSSG-unsubscribe > > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted January 25, 2003 Report Share Posted January 25, 2003 I think I would have slugged my own mom right there at the altar. But that's why I didn't get to be the bride, among other factors.... /john Re: laxy & childhood... > In a message dated 1/24/2003 1:43:54 AM Eastern Standard Time, > tuesdynite@... writes: > > > So, it seems cautionary remarks, meant only as guidance, can be entirely > > taken the wrong way. Now that's 2 kids out of 4. The other 2 don't have any > > > > memories like that at all. They are also the 2 with sunnier dispositions > > and > > strong can-do attitudes. All raised in the same family, all treated (as far > > > > as I can tell) equally. I think we're BORN with some of this stuff. > > > > Carol A > > > > Carol, you are absolutely right about inborn personalities. You can check > them out in the newborn nurseries. But, I was thinking more of life long > permanent traumas. Your's sound like what kids say until they have kids of > their own and then when you are too old to care they come back and apologize. > You would never say to your daughter on her wedding day " you are fat, fat > ,fat " . That kind of mean spiritness is what is so damaging. > > > Fay Bayuk > 300/175 > 10/23/01 > Dr > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted January 25, 2003 Report Share Posted January 25, 2003 In a message dated 1/24/03 12:30:11 PM Central Standard Time, ldybostons@... writes: << Who SAYS you can't have the froofy Wedding DRESS? >> -------------------------- My fear, I guess, of what " others " will think. Like, " dotty old bag, thinks she's 25 again. " That kind of stuff. Carol A Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted January 25, 2003 Report Share Posted January 25, 2003 In a message dated 1/25/2003 11:14:48 PM Eastern Standard Time, tuesdynite@... writes: > My fear, I guess, of what " others " will think. Like, " dotty old bag, thinks > she's 25 again. " That kind of stuff. > So what??? Fay Bayuk - Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted January 26, 2003 Report Share Posted January 26, 2003 You know, I would almost bet that most people would actually think how romantic it all is and how beautiful you looked. And does it really matter what other people think anyway as long as they keep their opinions to themselves? Lori Owen - Denton, Texas CHF 4/14/01 479 lbs. SRVG 7/16/01 401 lbs. Current Weight 339.5 lbs. and loosing again Dr. Ritter/Dr. Bryce On Sat, 25 Jan 2003 23:13:25 EST tuesdynite@... writes: > My fear, I guess, of what " others " will think. Like, " dotty old bag, > thinks > she's 25 again. " That kind of stuff. > > Carol A Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted January 26, 2003 Report Share Posted January 26, 2003 So, I'm not good at all with handling disapproval, criticism, negativity: they mess with my self-esteem (it's so darned fragile) and THEN, of course, the old way to deal with it is to eat, overeat, make poor food choices. Afraid to tempt myself back into those bad old habits........ Carol A ----------------------------- In a message dated 1/26/03 3:47:33 AM Central Standard Time, fbayuk@... writes: << In a message dated 1/25/2003 11:14:48 PM Eastern Standard Time, tuesdynite@... writes: > My fear, I guess, of what " others " will think. Like, " dotty old bag, thinks > she's 25 again. " That kind of stuff. > So what??? >> Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted January 26, 2003 Report Share Posted January 26, 2003 Right now, I have been stuffing my face all day. I guess I am anxious. I am feeling so icky and am getting depressed. I do not use that term depression lightly. I have tried my whole bag of tricks. I know I will wake up better in the morning and only have to get through a few more hours. I hate when I am doing so well and then crash. Confession done. Fay Bayuk - Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted January 26, 2003 Report Share Posted January 26, 2003 Or they might say, " Look at that-she looks wonderful! Can you imagine anyone else being able to pull that off? " Alice The Loon RNY 12/28/00 My fear, I guess, of what " others " will think. Like, " dotty old bag, thinks she's 25 again. " That kind of stuff. > > Carol A Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted January 26, 2003 Report Share Posted January 26, 2003 In a message dated 1/26/03 10:58:58 AM Central Standard Time, looneybird@... writes: << Or they might say, " Look at that-she looks wonderful! Can you imagine anyone else being able to pull that off? " >> ----------------------- Alice, that's a wonderful thought. I never looked at it in that light. It's just that people are used to me doing " loony " things (why do you call yourself " The Loon " ? You seem pretty sensible to me................) so I just assume the reaction would be " there she goes again, acting like a nut. " Thanks for the positive take to mull over. Carol A Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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