Guest guest Posted January 21, 2003 Report Share Posted January 21, 2003 I am almost embarrassed to type this. I had surgery 19 months ago. reached goal in 9 months (-138 pounds) and went from a size 2-28 to a size 6-8. My struggle???? Over the last month I have battled the old demon of eating.....mostly emotional. I have gained 3 pounds!!! I know that it is only 3 BUT I also know that it will be more if I do not get a grip!!! I was always (after surgery and until 1 month ago) been very dedicated about working out 6 days a week and I loved it!!!!! Right now I guess I am in a rut. I am depressed...tired and at times do not care about what I eat. I am so afraid of going back to where I was. I can not seem to get on the right track. I have tried to analyze this and although there is alot going on in my personal life (THAT IS NORMAL:)!)I can not put my finger on it. My hubby is very supportive...my kids are tickled with me......what is the deal. I feel like a faliure. I feel like I am lying...like there is a fat person on the inside of me. Does this make sense? I look at me and think YUCK! I am not satisfied with the way I look at all. When I try and talk to someone (a friend) they are like yea right! I still feel and look ( in my opion) a chubby person! I am 5'3 " and weigh 138-140. My body fat is 20%. I need advice...a smack...a shoulder or something!!! You know what the sadest part is??? I am one of the leaders in our local support group! Great! A leader who can't lead herself!!! Why is it that I can cheer on...encourage....impart knowledge to others BUT can't do it to me???? Okay...I am done. Thanks for listening!!!! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted January 21, 2003 Report Share Posted January 21, 2003 Carol, I know when I was 125 lbs I thought I was the size of a barn. At 479 lbs I honestly believed that I was half my size. I knew I had a weight problem, I just never saw myself as being huge. My self-image never has matched reality. I know part of my problem lately (and I have gained a little weight myself) is that of depression. Part of my depression was also FORGETTING to take some of my meds expecially my diuretics. Since being on my anti depressant, I have stopped munching all day. I actually am craving protein (amazing.) Lori Owen - Denton, Texas CHF 4/14/01 479 lbs. SRVG 7/16/01 401 lbs. Current Weight 339.5 lbs. and loosing again Dr. Ritter/Dr. Bryce On Wed, 22 Jan 2003 01:07:42 -0000 " carol carldavis@...> " carldavis@...> writes: > I am almost embarrassed to type this. I had surgery 19 months ago. > reached goal in 9 months (-138 pounds) and went from a size 2-28 to > > a size 6-8. My struggle???? Over the last month I have battled the > > old demon of eating.....mostly emotional. I have gained 3 > pounds!!! I know that it is only 3 BUT I also know that it will be > > more if I do not get a grip!!! I was always (after surgery and > until 1 month ago) been very dedicated about working out 6 days a > week and I loved it!!!!! Right now I guess I am in a rut. I am > depressed...tired and at times do not care about what I eat. I am > so afraid of going back to where I was. I can not seem to get on > the right track. I have tried to analyze this and although there is > > alot going on in my personal life (THAT IS NORMAL:)!)I can not put > my finger on it. My hubby is very supportive...my kids are tickled > > with me......what is the deal. I feel like a faliure. I feel like > > I am lying...like there is a fat person on the inside of me. Does > this make sense? I look at me and think YUCK! I am not satisfied > with the way I look at all. When I try and talk to someone (a > friend) they are like yea right! I still feel and look ( in my > opion) a chubby person! I am 5'3 " and weigh 138-140. My body fat > is 20%. I need advice...a smack...a shoulder or something!!! You > > know what the sadest part is??? I am one of the leaders in our > local support group! Great! A leader who can't lead herself!!! Why > > is it that I can cheer on...encourage....impart knowledge to others > > BUT can't do it to me???? Okay...I am done. Thanks for > listening!!!! > > > > Homepage: http://groups.yahoo.com/group/Graduate-OSSG > > Unsubscribe: mailto:Graduate-OSSG-unsubscribe > > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted January 22, 2003 Report Share Posted January 22, 2003 >>> I am almost embarrassed to type this. I had surgery 19 months ago. reached goal in 9 months (-138 pounds) and went from a size 2-28 to a size 6-8. My struggle???? Over the last month I have battled the old demon of eating.....mostly emotional. I have gained 3 pounds!!! I know that it is only 3 BUT I also know that it will be more if I do not get a grip!!!<<< Hi Carol, Don't despair -- I think what you describe for one thing is body dysporia (sp?) or some official name like that meaning you don't see your body yet like everyone else does -- it is possible (probable?) when you were large you didn't see yourself as large as you were? It took me all of over a year at the same weight before I actually believed (in my head) that those cloths in the closet belonged to me and fit me. Looking in the mirror is STILL an " iffy " thing -- some times I see me for the most part and other days I still see me as really big... I see every ounce of fat as huge... well, I just don't " see " the reality yet but am beginning to at times -- that's 29 months out that I'm beginning to see what other people see some times (I think.) This seeing myself as still fat after all the " work " involved *sigh* might as well eat and fulfill the prophesy that this isn't going to work for me either so I might as well gain it back now and get it over with... type of attitude -- I totally understand and felt that too... many times... the one time I gained some back though did freak me out enough to finally force myself to get a grip but not until my " few " pounds had turned into 16 and I couldn't pull up my own jeans anymore over my thunder thighs... THEN I got a grip and got back on the path... that's what it took for me and it doesn't mean it will take that for you. Actually that happened last end of May/June so I was right at 19 months post -- hum, imagine that? Maybe it is a " thing " we have to mentally adjust to around the 2 year mark and choose either to " hit that wall " or back off and get a grip sooner or whatever other options are out there for us. >>> I was always (after surgery and until 1 month ago) been very dedicated about working out 6 days a week and I loved it!!!!! Right now I guess I am in a rut. I am depressed...tired and at times do not care about what I eat.<<< Being tired and depressed feeling all the time or even a large portion of the time can be many things or nothing... could be a vitamin/mineral shortage -- why not go ahead and call the doctor for your 2 year labs? Just check it out -- if your body is trying to tell you something NOW why wait? It could also be that your mourning your old life -- I know as an obese person I was always either loosing or gaining weight -- never just " staying " in one place. Now that I just " stay " in one place that whole former life is gone and to say we don't mourn the past in our lives isn't true for a lot of us... even if the old sucked and it was awful and we don't ever want it back -- we still mourn it. Giving ourselves permission to " miss " that part of who we used to be -- that part that used to define a big part of who we were might be helpful. Your no longer the fat girl who is on a diet and doing well or who fell off the wagon and is gaining it back now... she's in your past and you don't ever have to be that way again -- but to say we don't mourn the loss of that personality trait in ourselves is to fall short of reality for a lot of us. There are a lot of reasons we can go into a self-sabotage mode and maybe knowing the reason isn't as important as just recognizing that we are and what we are doing -- and the desire to change it -- I don't know what is right for you or if you even need to know... sounds like you do know the ramifications of your current state of mind (weight gain, not caring, and so on....) A lot of times we don't know the " why " until we shove ourselves " past " that and look back on it and it hits us... " Oh, that's why..... " (hindsight... gotta love it...) And not to leave out an important factor that I've seen over the years and I know you have seen it too -- just plain old depression -- no reason, no cause -- just hits some of us harder than others -- ya get a chemical imbalance thing going on and until it is treated -- it seems to be a driving force. Maybe NONE of these things are true for you... only you can know what is the right answer for you -- just some suggestions that seem kind of common when many of us near that 2 year mark... yours could be totally different. >>>I feel like a failure. I feel like I am lying...like there is a fat person on the inside of me. Does this make sense? I look at me and think YUCK! I am not satisfied with the way I look at all. When I try and talk to someone (a friend) they are like yea right! I still feel and look ( in my opion) a chubby person! I am 5'3 " and weigh 138-140. My body fat is 20%. I need advice...a smack...a shoulder or something!!! You know what the saddest part is??? I am one of the leaders in our local support group! Great! A leader who can't lead herself!!! Why is it that I can cheer on...encourage....impart knowledge to others BUT can't do it to me???? Okay...I am done. Thanks for listening!!!!<<< I think it is really common for many of us and many others who are leading a support group or who are one of the " older " members -- we feel like we can't fail, we must be perfect, we should be in a good frame of mind and eat right and exercise right and it is our function to set the good example... IMO... A TOTAL " set me up to fail " frame of thought!!! That is too much pressure to put on yourself!!! The old timers are going to have nearly an equal amount of really bad experiences to share as good ones... we are all going to do something wrong along the way, we are going to learn from it and share it with others later -- and we will do right things, learn from it and share it with others later. But we are not immune to the wrong stuff just because we cheer others on! So, that isn't sad at all... in fact, if you allow those that you support all the time to support you now you might find a much more " conscious " group of support people in the future. The feeling of being a " fraud " in our new bodies is really common -- a LOT of us feel that and we write about it here and in other groups and say it out loud in support groups -- I feel like a fat lady walking around in a skinny body and I feel like the whole world can see through my scam and I'm not conning anyone but myself if I think I look like a normal person now... and yeah, the obese woman inside of us will always be alive and well... waiting on us to begin eating as we did before and she will blossom -- unfortunately, this surgery isn't a cure for obesity -- it only puts our disease in remission for as long as we use the tool... so, it isn't uncommon at all to be " in touch " with the obese woman that lives in side of you... in fact, it could be a good thing to be in touch with her because if she suffered as much pain as most of us did when we were obese you can help nurture her Spirit and help heal the wounds and pain that she suffers from still... and she can help keep you on track by reminding you that she'll come back any time you allow it. Ok, so maybe that is a silly way to think about it but it works for me a lot of times -- if I try to deny that fat lady that sits inside of me then I get in a really funky place emotionally... only when I am nurturing my own Spirit... including her.... do I / can I / feel whole and good. As always, YMMV, hugz, ~denise Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted January 29, 2003 Report Share Posted January 29, 2003 Looking in the mirror is STILL an " iffy " thing -- some times I see me for the most part and other days I still see me as really big... Had the weirdest thing happen the other day......went to look in the mirror in our bedroom.....well the kitten must have hit it too hard because it is a long oval one that " rest " up against the corner......well, when I looked in it there was only me from the neck down........it was unbelievable.....I didn't realize that I always look to the head first......then look down......well, when I couldn't it was a real eye opener........I think everyone should try this......but you have to fix the mirror than look at it in the morning.......don't look, fix it, then try it..........it was STRANGE to say the least!!!!!! P. RE: frustrated > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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