all sorts of stuff-long

[Guest guest]

Howdy...

I don't post often but read religiously...and a couple of recent

threads sparked my interest.

1) Beautiful Mind analogies...reminded me of all the struggle with

accepting 12 steps .The first step is " I am powerless over

food(fill in the demon) and my life is unmanageable. How the hell am

I going to get better if I admit defeat at the get go? Nash admitted

he was powerless over his demons and accepted them and found some

compensatory ways to deal with them. Truly an incredible case. I think

we do the same when we have the surgery. OK, I'm powerless over the

freaking weight/food, and I'm going to get this tool to deal with it.

And I continue to make choices (or not) to use the tool of the surgery

and the tool of support groups like these, to get back on track after

the initial restrictiveness of the surgery goes away. As much as I

loved the movie, Hollywood made it look way too easy. Nash didn't just

decide one day to not listen to the voices and the delusions and then

everything was hunky dory. His was an ongoing battle...just like ours.

And some days the choices are easy, and sometimes they just plain

suck.

2)Goal weight..I doubt if it was an original thought, but

Downey Jr. once said he had the disease of " MORE " and he could be

describing me. There was never enough food and I still struggle with

money issues,(there's never enough, no matter if I'm a poor student,

or a well paid manager)

And now, I struggle with wanting MORE weight loss. When I was

researching this surgery, I was barely squeezing in size 32 and

weighed 385 lbs. I remember saying that I would be thrilled to be 240

or a size 24, just so I could buy clothes at Lane again. (There

is nothing like the emotional pain of not finding anything that fits

at Lane ) I'm now 183 lbs, wearing a size 12(which makes no

sense to me at all, that used to be a size 18) and I want more!! I

want to be in a size 10 and weigh 170, and I know if I get there, I'll

want to be 150. Before WLS, I wanted to be able to walk a couple of

blocks without panting and having to stop. Now I'm jogging three miles

a day, and want to figure out how to train for a marathon. (Ok, I'll

settle for a half-marathon, but not for long)

Recognizing that my initial reaction is usually one of extremes helps

me from making myself completely insane..when I'm being really hard on

myself, I can remember that this is my typical,unhealthy pattern of

behavior and remind myself to move toward the middle.

I'll shut up now. I'm home with a nasty case of bronchitis and a alot

of time on my hands.

a K

The lovely and talented Dr. Coster

Grinnell Regional Medical Center Grinnell, Iowa

385/182/170

[Guest guest]

In a message dated 1/22/2003 8:39:46 AM Eastern Standard Time,

nanpug@... writes:

> especially exercise, if I can't do a " whole " workout, then what

> good would just a few exercise be?? Very depressing.......... P.

> ----- Original Message -----

>

I think this is how the 12 steps began. Learning to do 1 step at a time. I

do know where you are coming from. Sometimes I overcome it, sometimes I

don't.

Fay Bayuk

300/175

10/23/01

Dr

[Guest guest]

my initial reaction is usually one of extremes

Well a........I too tend to lean towards the extremes.....the problem

is.......ONLY in my mind!!! I so bad want a clean house, it doesn't happen,

I so bad want to weigh 110, it isn't happening, I so want my kids caught up

in school.....it isn't going to happen!! My older sister told me that I am

" a defeated perfectionist " ........that I want everything just perfect and if

I can't have it that way then I am not going to have anything. Example: I

go into the kitchen to do the dishes, then my mind tells me that if I do the

dishes the cabinets also need to be wiped down, if I do the cabinets then

the floor is going to need to be scrubbed, then the table/legs are going to

need to scrubbed..........well, I only have 20 minutes, so instead of just

doing to the dishes and it looking better.....I just give in and don't do

anything. I have found that this crosses all areas in my

life.........especially exercise, if I can't do a " whole " workout, then what

good would just a few exercise be?? Very depressing.......... P.

all sorts of stuff-long