Guest guest Posted January 8, 2003 Report Share Posted January 8, 2003 When things were going wrong in my marriage I was terrified. I had done the good little Navy wife thing.......supported my husbands career....never went back to college once I was married.....was a stay at home Mom......and hubby's career came FIRST! Each transfer was FUN!!! We would talk about where we would ask to go NEXT.....BEFORE we ever got to the NEW place. I loved it. Him asking for Divorce after all I had but INTO him. (I had encouraged his college education, his applying to become an Officer...shoot my parents helped pay for the books so He could work on his masters)......it crushed me. I thought we had a good marriage. We NEVER fought, I worshiped him and bragged at what a wonderful husband he was. There I was.....some wonderful husband....no education......no way to support myself......and faced with having to change my standard of living....because.......HE DIDN'T WANT ME. I had NO idea just how others viewed my marriage. He had always been stand offish......not real demonstrative. HECK he fully believed in no PDA's (Public displays of Affection)! Once told me that I didn't NEED to hang on him all the time. (I was trying to hold his hand)And our sex life???(Can't call it a LOVE life)That was non-existent. We went YEARS in between intimacy. I had asked off and on for YEARS if my weight bothered him. Was assured that it didn't. (I have to say...his current partner looks dumpy compared to me....and I know....that is very CATTY...but it gives me GREAT pleasure). Ok......so where am I going with all of this? I survived. I made sure that I got what was due to me. It may sound harsh, but I told him out right......he couldn't afford to divorce me......and that if he did decide that he really wanted a divorce that I would take him to the cleaners. I got myself a GOOD retired Naval JAG officer for a divorced lawyer. And fortunately for me.....Florida (I was living in Pensacola at the time) is an ALIMONY state. So......I got........42% of his military retirement (he did 30 years). I also got 5/12ths of his civilian pay (when he gets a pay raise so do I). I also got a percentage of the house we had in Pensacola, and I insisted on an amount that would be used for a down payment on a home of my own...once I figured out where I wanted to be. I also asked for and got.....a new vehicle that he had to make payments on for the first year and he had to take out life insurance in an amount that would cover my alimony should he kick the bucket. ALSO (I know, I know....didn't I get ENOUGH?) I am the beneficiary of his Survivor Benefits for his military retirement. I felt, and I think rightly so, that I had given my life to him and his career. I had gone willingly where HE needed to go, WHEN he needed to go, to farther his career. That meant taking our daughter out of school in the middle of the school year at times. It wasn't EASY, but I felt it was just the way things needed to be. He WAS the prime bread winner after all. I worked part time......occasionally and did LOTS of volunteer work. I was scared.......but I fought for myself. I was fortunate that our Daughter had joined the navy two years before so there were NO children at home. I swallowed hard........got myself out of Pensacola......moved where I WANTED to be. I went to work for a Temporary agency......and BOY did they keep me busy. I dated......even though THAT scared the HECK out of me. He had been my ONE and ONLY. I was convinced that no one would love a FAT woman (pre-WLS). Funny......I was busy most weekends. I found out that I was a bright, vivacious, loving woman and that men respond to that. I discovered that I could manage on my own (of course THAT was a given.......I had been running our household finances for 24 years....). You know.......I THRIVED!!! I want to thank you. This has reminded me that I am a STRONG person. That I can take care of myself. Sometimes I get so bogged down in life that I forget these things. See, this list is THERAPY! Vicki, If I can do this. So can you........IF you HAVE to. You have to do what is RIGHT for you. Debbie in Gig Harbor ladybostons@... www.paws2print.com Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted January 8, 2003 Report Share Posted January 8, 2003 Debbie, You are MY hero! Jac mailto:jholdaway@... http://www.pictureitdigitaldesigns.com/ http://members.cox.net/xxxfarmpaints Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted January 8, 2003 Report Share Posted January 8, 2003 Awwwww Shucks.......Twernt Nothin' I had the BEST councilor at the time. He was a retired Army Officer. Told me he spent WAY too much time counseling women who were in my exact situation and that he didn't want to see me in the same predicament. I also had a VERY good friend at the time who had gotten divorced after 28 years to a Navy guy.......and SHE didn't take ANY thing. I was watching her struggle just to LIVE. So, I listened. I took advise and did what I had to do FOR ME! LOL But my sister says I am THE poster child on HOW to do a divorce. Debbie in Gig Harbor ladybostons@... www.paws2print.com Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted January 8, 2003 Report Share Posted January 8, 2003 Just another point of view here. I would dearly LOVE to have ever had the opportunity to have selflessly given up my career and supported my husband's. But I never had that choice. I had to selfishly continue to work 80 and 90 plus hour work weeks for the last 20 years. I still got to be responsible for every damn birthday gift, Christmas card, social event, housekeeping detail and other wifely duty. It was also my pleasure to pay alimony cause I was the primary breadwinner. Needless to say I am not enamored with the viewpoint that the one who goes out and works their ass off all day owes any able bodied adult a residual lifetime income. I am so tired, so overworked that I go to bed sick and crying just about every night. Here it is 3:57 am and I'm online cause I can't sleep for dreaming about work. I would give anything to have someone take care of me, even just for a little while cause I've NEVER had it, not even as a little kid. Every person has to do what is right for them, but every time I hear someone talking about what a sacrifice it was to stay home for 20 years I cannot refrain from laughing out loud. I can relate to just about every fear in Vicki's post even though my life is very different. She speaks of the fear of hard work, the awful commute, giving up the freedom of spending time with her kids. She's right to be afraid, those are wonderful things to have. And when I hear them get twisted around into some sort of penalty that someone suffered so someone else could go out and work, therefore the worker should now give up half their future earnings it just doesn't seem right. The OTHER burned point of view B Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted January 8, 2003 Report Share Posted January 8, 2003 , Your case is different. You did both rolls. He did not do the stay at home chores that enabled you to have a family life and career. The spouse who deserves alimony, has helped the career, not hindered like your guy. Just my 2 cents. By the way, I have always worked, my husband has worked on and off, but his home contribution has been awesome. I spent many a night crying because I wanted someone to take care of me. My parents never did either. But guess what, it ain't never gonna happen, but I no longer will worked under the pressure like before. It only took 60 years to get here. :) Fay Bayuk Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted January 9, 2003 Report Share Posted January 9, 2003 Well, you have your point of view and I have mine. You did NOT walk in my shoes or put up with my EX. And I have not done your shoes either. I WAS lucky that I had the " privilage " to stay home. We could afford to send HIM to school......NOT me.....so HE went. I put up with the emotional distance......just figuring that was the way things were. Didn't KNOW there were men who LIKE affection. Gee, I am sorry you work so hard and have to pay alimony......but then maybe HE earned it. I had to protect myself and I am NOT going to let you make me feel BAD about what I did. The divorce was NOT my choice....it was HIS. Had it been MY choice I am sure things would have been different. Debbie in Gig Harbor ladybostons@... www.paws2print.com Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted January 9, 2003 Report Share Posted January 9, 2003 << Just another point of view here. I would dearly LOVE to have ever had the opportunity to have selflessly given up my career and supported my husband's.>> : I'm so sorry for your pain. I wish you the best life has to offer ... maybe it's just around the corner. Best wishes. Bobbie Anchorge, AK Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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