Fear

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In a message dated 1/8/03 12:00:16 PM, Graduate-OSSG writes:

<< Fear >>

just something to think about, my two cents only.....

If a mate

abuses you physically or verbally

drinks excessively

drugs

sleeps around

is having an affair

gambles away the family money

wont hold a job

withholds sex from you

demeans your interests and friends

is insanely jealous of you

the souls of others in the family are disheartened constantly.

These are the major and MOST COMMON POISONS for most marriages: They fall

under these categories: violence, lying, cheating, alcoholism, drug

addiction, sexual addiction, chronic and deleterious gambling,

irresponsibility and grotesque immaturity of many kinds. These are so

serious, that a person cannot stay in such a relationship and expect decent

mental and spiritual health, unless the other person agrees to change

dramatically. You can change yourself all you like, but the other person must

change in PRIMARY ways, admit they have a problem, fix it.

IF the other person declines to make major changes and to maintain those

changes, a healthy person has to seek the straightest, most effective way out

if they value their spiritual and mental health. For some, economics keep

them longer than they would like in situations that are unlivable. For

others, ambivalence about what love really is keeps than longer than they

would like. For yet others, having not sat down and drawn up a clear-cut plan

keeps them tardy. For others, they fear loneliness and the unknown More than

they fear being tromped all over. For yet others, thinking, hoping it will be

better, that confrontation can be avoided, that somehow if we ignore the

elephant under the rug in the living room it will just somehow be alright.

Each has to decide for her/himself

On the other hand,

if a mate is a little schlumpy

has to be told most everything

is a little boring

has at least one boring obsession

never realizes his/her underwear looks like it has been through WWII

tries to please you but often falls short

but is there and will try most of what you ask,

you have not only an average mate, you have the kind we call " a rock. "

Such men (and women) are priceless, and even though they could use some

sprucing up and hopefully will, they are loyal true blue.

If on the third hand,

a mate is uncommunicative, or

seems irritated easily, or

doesn't talk easily, or

seems preoccupied,

has little to say or give, or gives it only to the dog or his friends, or

if there are financial problems

work problems or

problems with depression or anxiousness,

if there has been a sudden death in the family

if a job has been lost,

if one is suffering at work or with one's parents

if there are problems with the kids...

if one is being treated as parent/slave/cook and bottle washer who is

supposed to serve all others,

it is time to have a talk and a good idea to see a counselor to uncover what

is really going on and to improve the situation. No one should have to be

lonely or feel like they are in a marriage made of one.

These are just some general guidelines to think about. The first set is

poison. The second set is more or less average-normal. The third set is a red

flag.

just a guideline I use in my practice..;

love,

ceep