zombied out

February 15, 2003

Hi,

I am new here, a bit dazed and confused from lack of sleep and pain

at that point where I can't think straight. I think I am in trouble,

my latest attempt at relief fell through and my doctor says he doesn't

know what else to do. (It was a nerve block) I have tried stents,

drugs, hypnosis, massage, accupuncture, vitamins, a chiropractor,

vinager, sleeping pills, enzyme therapy and dieting, I may have missed

something, but now my unemployment is running out as well as my money,

so if any one has any suggestions?

I have idiopathic chronic and severe pancreatitis, am 45 years old,

and end up in the hospital about once every six weeks. My last attack

scared my sister so bad she kicked me out of the house. (My nephew is

only four and hasn't said boo to me since the attack.)Just a few weeks

prior to that, a friend of mine since fifth grade died from

pancreatitis, so my family has been treating me with kid fingers now.

My son is eleven and freezes up whenever I have an attack and I have

so far been unable to get his thoughts on all this. I know he is

afraid I will die and I can't tell him every thing will be ok. My own

up bringing was emotionally brutal and so I have no real understanding

of his sensitivity.

It took years of therapy for my doctor to finally explain that I

suborn my emotional pain so much, he has to describe them to me. It

got me through as a kid, but now it triggers attacks of pancreatitis.

(While going to him, my attacks actually lessoned, in intensity and

duration)

How can some one like me get through to some one like him? He is out

going, friendly, warm, trusting, and well liked. It tears him up to

see me being carried off to the hospital, but you all know haw sudden

these attacks can happen, if I could I would shield him from all this.

His mom is the one that made him who he is, but she is too good at

seeing what she wants for me to get through to her.

With all the medications I am on, my sex life has been zilch for

going on six years. Pain is my only lover any more. If only I could

get a divorce.

I feel much better now, I have been pretty suicidal in my thoughts

lately, maybe this felling of getting it off my chest will last.

Thanks for being here, I have no one else to understand where I am

coming from. Maybe the pain well drop enough I can sleep.

Thanks for being here, I do feel better.

G.M.

February 15, 2003

Hi G.M.

It broke my heart to read your post. This disease has a way of taking hold

of one and turning there lives upside down. I am 28 years old and often feel

that it is so unfair that this happened to me at such an early age. I

haven't had the chance to have children yet, and I am so afraid to because of

the narcotics and what it may do to the baby. But I to have felt like you do

right now. I think we all have at one time or another. You have so many

reasons to live. You have a son who loves you. Yes, it is traumatic for him

to see you in pain and being taken to the hospital. But I think it would be

far more traumatic for him if you weren't there with him anymore. He NEEDS

you in his life, remember that. Please feel free to vent here anytime, we

all do at some point. If you need to talk I am here. I will pray for you!

Sending lots of happy thoughts your way....

Marisa~San Diego, CA

February 15, 2003