Sorry I haven't posted..much

January 5, 2003

Hi:

i hope everyone was able to enjoy the holidays. I have been reading

the posts but I have not posted for a while. I started having an

increase in my abdominal pain. I spent Dec 23rd in the ER..thats

another story, I finally told them to just give me some phenergan IM

and I would take care of the rest. So I've been treating myself

since. My local GI was out of town- and I haven't been able to get in

touch with at MUSC. I'm not sure what is going on this time. It

has been over a year since my last major episode. Until the overnight

admit at MUSC the first of Dec things pancreas wise had been stable.

Not much pain, nausea. I was actually considering going back to work

part time. I thought at first maybe it was stress (maybe it still

is). As some know my dog had been diagnosed with cancer. The

prednisone he was on gave me 3 more months with him but I had to say

good bye on the 26th. It was time, he was suffering and i couldn't do

that to him. The pred caused muscle atrophy and what was a limp a

week earlier became no muscle tone and he was unable to walk. I had

to carry my 60 lb baby outside to use the restroom. He was on his bed

( a big soft foam pet bed) but was starting also to get pressure

sores. That wasn't a life it was an exsistence and I thought if I

allowed it to continue he would suffer needlessly and I was being

selfish. So I called the vet on the 26th and said goodbye. We carried

hin into the vets office on his bed, I leaned down and asked him did

he know how much I loved him. I think it took about all of his

strenght but he lifted his head and gave me a kiss on the nose. I

kissed the top of his head, and he was gone. Its been really weird.

I knew this was coming, I thought I had prepared myself. However I

haven't been able to sleep , my thoughts are jumbled, I cry at the

drop of a bucket. I am already on anti-depressants. ( zoloft and

wellbutrin) I haven't felt this bad since my grandmother passed away

2 years ago. The abdominal pain has not increased but it hasn't

gotten any better either. I have had to use the Actiq pops much more

than I feel I should.I feel so " stupid? " ( sorry, can't think of the

right word to use). Is the loss of an animal suppose to be this

dramatic and hurt this much. Rebel was here for me through a lot of

my illness and I got him shortly before I found out I was pregnant so

he was here when my precious died. I told I guess she got

a puppy for Chrsitmas. I don't know what to do. I can't seem to snap

out of this. I guess that is why I am here, rambling on like this. I

needed to talk, I hope you don't mind.

-SC

January 5, 2003

,

What you are feeling isn't stupid at all. Ever since I was a boy, my

family had lots of dogs. Big ones (St. Bernard's) an lil ones (Mini

Doxies). They were a part of our family. They were not pets but family

members. One of our St. Bernard's even saved my little sister's life

when we were camping and she was still a toddler (long story, but a

bobcat had decided she was dinner).

As with all family members, these animals mean more to us than just

animals. Dogs have personality. How many times have you seen a dog

smile? Dogs have loyalty. My brother's dog got out of the yard one day

and wanted back in so bad she chewed the gate down. Most animals would

have chewed the gate to get out, but a dog knows it's pack and would

rather die than be without.

Dogs understand people better than we understand ourselves. Pack

behavior is the basis for most societies and dogs are expert at it. Is

it any wonder they become so important to us?

You dog was a family member. It deserves the same respect as anyone else

you cared about. As such, it will take time for you to get over this

emotional trauma. That is as it should be.

My life has been enriched by my animal family members in ways a person

could not. A dog is always glad to see you. No matter if you've been

gone 5 minutes or 5 days, they are just as excited to see you. Dogs

never judge you. You are their family and that is all that matters.

They don't care if your hair is cut long or short, whether you are fat

or thin, or if you are the most beautiful/ugliest person on the planet.

You are their family. Their pack. You belong to them and they belong

to you. No questions asked.

Isn't that what we have all been searching for since time began? A

sense of belonging and camaraderie. A feeling of love and devotion that

transcends money, status, and power. Dogs are social creatures much the

same as humans. When left in the wild, they establish a social pecking

order and each member has responsibilities within their social group.

The group functions as a whole for survival and no one animal would

succeed without that social structure, that family. Much the same as we

ourselves function in the world.

That is why we have had such a great relationship for these many 1000's

of years. Dogs and people are together as a family and have been since

the first dog was domesticated. Our instincts operate in many the same

ways. It is as natural for someone to feel great pain with the loss of

their dog as with any close family member and to say you didn't, well,

you wouldn't be human. In that case, you might as well be a cat. 8^)

With love and sadness,

Ken