Re: My Damage House (please read) - Part #1

[Guest guest]

, really...I do understand, it's not easy to believe people who tell you different than what you've heard for years. Somehow it gets seared into your brain. It's hard to see the forest for the trees... as they say. Even when we think we are getting better and see the light...something happens to bring us to our knees. I don't think it's B.S., , and I accept you going through your own journey at your own pace. Not everybody can take everything we say or understand it. Being in a situation that you can't possibly see your way out of....that I do understand. But don't expect everybody to want to hear about it. I am sure I've said a few things that people didn't like or misunderstood, too. In fact, I know I have. I'm glad to see you still hanging in there and still trying to 'connect' in the only way you know how. I also know you

didn't mean anything hurtful in anything you said. It's important to try to see people's motives, their heart ...not just their words. Not being accepted by a parent can screw you up for life. I totally get that...cuz I went through that, too, and still...after working at my 'healing' for years...still stuff comes up and I hurt again. Healing comes in layers doesn't it and we can't hurry it along just cuz someone else wants us to. We ALL have our blind spots. But sometimes it's just easier to point out somebody elses. keep writing and hugs S.GARY WOOLARD wrote: To all, Tracie, I should have explained myself better than I did when I first wrote about that deer. As far as that deer, a front end loader or some sort came

to the back of that car garage moved debre out of the way and scoop this deer and had this hauled away. You said before that "we" as the group care for me. Well if you do, you shouldn't have stated that this is all BULLSHIT regarding what I wrote orginally about that deer. If you CARE ABOUT ME and OTHERS as well, you'll read the rest of this e-mail wilth a opened mind what I say. And all said and done, I think you'll understand WHY, WHY, that at times I stated I take on anyone's sarcoid upon myself and if this resulted in my demise that I didn't care. , you didn't need to put your "two cents worth" comment either. YOU DON'T KNOW BASICALLY ANYTHING ABOUT MY PAST, NOR PRESENT. You agreed with Tracie, or just feel like Tracie knows about every- one's past. She forgets about indivuials' past history because of sarcoid involvement or not. Anyway, after the "fact" that I written about that deer, this idea about "My Damage House" came

into my mind. I know, there's folks that may think this is just philosphy or even so called B.S., but others I know don't think so. I know beforehand of writing this, that Marla, S., Kim, Ron, Rose, perhaps Joan, and others that I can't spell there name now WILL NOT THINK WHAT I WRITE BELOW IS B.S. The past 17 months I've written into this group, I written about that I've done various types of work before. Things didn't work out that I got laidoff, or because working through a "temp agency" was let go because the ecomony was slowing down. My dad knew all about laidoffs and this, the struggles of trying to get established in a working enviroment. He is a retired Ford Motor company employee himself. All he "seen" though through the years that I didn't have consistely steady work. All this verbal crap, shit, bad mouthing, slander, etc. was a large part because of my lack of work. It's like , you don't want to work, yet I had worked in a book

bindery (paper dust), manufacturing bakery (flour dust), wood door manufacturer (sawdust) even before all this I KNEW I WAS ALERGIC TO DUST. WHY, WHY???? I couldn't wait around for perfect job come around. I wore those face masks, but dust followed you everywhere. To get to the point here, he wasn't with me day and day out, week after week, month after month, year after year to try to get this BLANKETY, BLANKETY MONKEY OFF MY BACK. If I didn't want to work, WHY DID I WORK FOR TEMP SER. FOR $5.20 FOR JUST TWO WEEKS AT 24 HRS & 28 HRS, AND WALKED ABOUT 3 1/2 MILES ONE WAY IN 20 BELOW ZERO WIND CHILL WEATHER IN JAN. 1994 BECAUSE OF NO CAR????? I worked in factory enviroment that was up to 120 DEGREES HOT, I got scars on my hands and arms of working these places too. A man working at G.R.Mfg. where I had worked had part of his arm cut off from a malfunctioning sheet metal press machine. Looking at parts comming out of porchlain baking oven could result in blindness.

Nobody has to tell me about hazards of working in such places. Yet I was willing to work in such places because I "felt" comfortable in this type of work. My brothers as well just didn't "SEE" the struggles that Kathy and I went through. Late 1979 through the present. Y'all know what all this stress that we went through, you very well have in your MIND of SCREAMING THAT EVERYONE IN THE WORLD GO DEFT AND HAVE A HEART ATTACK. ALL THIS FILL IN THE BLANK, STRESS. Dad, WHY, WHY??? I'am trying to resolve employment, transportation issues, and health issues, that sometimes all 3 going on at the same time. WHY? WHY? DAD, WHY YOU TREATING ME LIKE DOG SHIT????? WHY? WHY? Like I stated this past 17 months, IT'S A MIRACLE THAT I HAVEN'T DEVELOPED STOMACH CANCER OR HAD A HEART ATTACK AT LEAST IN THE LATE 1980'S THROUGH THE 1990'S MORE THAN THE BIRTH OF MY DAUGHTER, REBA. Why am saying all this? Well just to get a "little" idea what went on these years. I told him over and over again it's

NOT my fault that G.R.Mfg that I was laidoff permaintely. I was only 1 out of 860 people who lost their jobs permaintely because the "parent" company, Electrolux, decided to close this plant down where I was working and shift all the work to a Mansfield, Ohio plant. It's not my fault that working at Parmalat that lost a contracts with the U.S. government to make the milk, soy milk, & fruit boxes for the W.I.C. (Women, Infants, & Children) program. The bottom line he didn't see me having steady work and this in a general sense is why I got his "verbal wrath". __________________________________________________