Fallen Down Dead Deer

[Guest guest]

Rose & Everyone Else, I don't know why I have "seen" these analogies over all these months that I've written to this "hotel". (Rose, these "newer people" may don't understand my joke on "checking in" at this "hotel"). I tell about something here and most would think/say that this should have been taken care of sooner than this. You know how it is, we don't have home phone service and Reba always takes her "cell" phone with her unless she leaves this with Kathy or myself. Anyway this past weekend, Kathy said that she noticed a dead deer behind the car port garage building that is behind our apartment and this building is towards the north. On the far right side of this car port garage is a dumster for people's trash who live in the apartment building. Behind this garage type of building is where this dead deer lies there by a big evergreen or spruce type of tree. This deer may have got injury by vehicle like there

in front of our apartment building. This is an two lane each direction divided street that all kinds of vehicles even semi-trucks traveled down this 44th street. This deer may have just got sick of some diease and finally just laid down and died. So I don't know what came of this deer's demise. Kathy or Reba went and told the apartment owner/manager or someone in there office about this. Their reply was, "Oh animals will come and eat this deer up, no big deal". I wanted to call the non-emergency police number yesterday about this, but no phone. Come this spring in warmer weather if this animal is not "taken care of", it will probility stink and a disease issue for humans may exist. I'll try to resolve this tomorrow. That deer may have intution that it was going to die anyway and just couldn't do anything about it. Analogy that I have at different times these months that I just die, or just give up about living. This past winter, I could have bought

those sleepin pills and a bottle of rum like I'd mentioned before in a e-mail. But I didn't. Those thoughts of doing something of this nature still exists, but is either suppressed some to hardly at all. You know the "Rollercoaster Syndrome" of depression. Peaks and valleys and all that stuff. I don't have those thoughts now of just lie down permaintely like that deer. You know Rose, I can't go on like it has been in family relationships indefinetly. This after- noon I may have had skipped heartbeats, fluttering, or something again. This is probility do that "S" word, namely Stress. A part of me doesn't want this, yet another part of me feels like "big deal" having a heart attack. A part of me wishes to have a good relationship with Reba if I'd divorced Kathy someday, yet another feels like nothing to do with her as well rest of my family as long as I live. Rose, you and S. mentioned that I attend a bible study and go to some chuch.

These very same things I've done before years and years ago. Now I see that there's no movitation or even a desire anymore for this. You and Tracie have said that I'am not trash. Those "trash' feelings just won't go away. As long as I'am in my situation, I'am affraid at times "wishing" for a seizures, strokes, heart attacks, etc. will come and go. Rose and Tracie, like I stated before, you both value your lives and I think others do too. Since I don't value my life, trash feeling exists there. Sorry for rambling so long.

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[Guest guest]

Since I don't value my life, trash feeling exists there. Sorry for rambling so long.

,

I REFUSE to spend my energy on responding to this bullshit.

Sincerely,

Tracie

[Guest guest]

,

I agree with Tracie completely!!!!! It is time you got

off the pity party and start living your life like the rest

of us do......it is not easy.......we are ALL sick....many are

living from one week to the next with not enough money to buy

food, medicine, clothes, or anything else. I have kept quiet

for quite a while now while you have complained and complained

and if you are not willing to TRY to do better, then you will

NEVER get better!!!!! It is time to wake up and accept your

life and live it......... we all care about you but are just

too sick to feed your pity party.....

Sincerely,

Darlene

> In a message dated 2/8/06 5:55:28 PM Pacific Standard Time,

> garyjwoolard@... writes:

>

>

>> Since I don't value my life, trash feeling exists there. Sorry for

>> rambling

>> so long.

>

> ,

> I REFUSE to spend my energy on responding to this bullshit.

>

> Sincerely,

> Tracie

>

[Guest guest]

,

I agree with Tracie completely!!!!! It is time you got

off the pity party and start living your life like the rest

of us do......it is not easy.......we are ALL sick....many are

living from one week to the next with not enough money to buy

food, medicine, clothes, or anything else. I have kept quiet

for quite a while now while you have complained and complained

and if you are not willing to TRY to do better, then you will

NEVER get better!!!!! It is time to wake up and accept your

life and live it......... we all care about you but are just

too sick to feed your pity party.....

Sincerely,

Darlene

> In a message dated 2/8/06 5:55:28 PM Pacific Standard Time,

> garyjwoolard@... writes:

>

>

>> Since I don't value my life, trash feeling exists there. Sorry for

>> rambling

>> so long.

>

> ,

> I REFUSE to spend my energy on responding to this bullshit.

>

> Sincerely,

> Tracie

>

[Guest guest]

Darlene & Tracie, I DON'T HAVE NO DAMM PITY PARTY. I WROTE THAT E-MAIL STATING AT TIMES I'VE FELT LIKE GIVING UP. TRACIE, YOU SAY THIS IS BULLSHIT WHAT I WROTE IN THAT E-MAIL. YOUR'E INTITLED TO YOUR OPINON. I TRY TO WRITE THINGS OF COMFORT TO VARIOUS PEOPLE OVER THESE PAST MONTHS, DESPITE OF BULLSHIT GOING ON IN MY FAMILY. I KNOW THAT THERE ARE PEOPLE WHO'S HEALTH IS ALOT WORST THAN MINE. I NEVER HAVE DENIED THAT THESE PAST MONTHS, NOW, OR ANYTIME IN THE FUTURE. I KNOW PEOPLE IN THIS GROUP HAVE A UPBEAT ATTITUDE ABOUT LIFE DESPITE OF HAVING POOR HEALTH NOW OR IN THEIR PAST MONTHS/YEARS. YES, I'VE BEEN ANGRY AT TIMES, THAT I FELT LIKE IF MY SO CALLED DAMM "FAMILY" COULD ALL JUST DIE OR BE ASSASSINATED. I BE THE WORLD'S WORST LIAR IF I NEVER HAD THOUGHTS OF JUST PUNCHING GOD OR JESUS RIGHT IN THE FACE. I DON'T HAVE THESE THOUGHTS ALL THE TIME, BUT IT HAS BEEN THERE OCCASSIONALLY. DARLENE, TRACIE, AND EVERYONE ELSE

THAT HAS WRITTEN IN HERE SEEMS TO ME THAT DOESN'T HAVE ANY OF THOSE TYPE OF THOUGHTS I MENTIONED ABOVE. WHY? WHY? BECAUSE DESPITE OF YOUR HEALTH PROBLEMS GOING ON WITH EACH PERSON, Y'ALL HAVE PURPOSE, LOVING FAMILIES, YOU HAVE REASON TO CARRY ON REGARDLESS OF EVERYTHING, SOME HAVE REASON TO CARRY ON BECAUSE OF HAVING FAITH, YOU HAVE DESIRE TO LIVE DESPITE OF WHAT THIS SARCOID OR ANYOTHER HEALTH ISSUES AFFECTING YOU. WHY HAVE APATHY TOWARDS IMPROVING MY HEALTH, APATHY TOWARDS LIFE IN A GENERAL SENCE, APATHY TOWARDS MY SO CALLED FAMILY? It is because there's emptyness in my life, emptyness because lack of motivation at times, emptyness of love towards my family. Some have said before, "forgive and forget" what these people have said. I tried, and tried, and tried and sometimes it worked and sometimes it didn't. This HURT that I've been carrying around in my emotional baggage department of my brain has been there for years. 5, 10, maybe 20 years I don't

know. When at times these past months I stated I'd take on anyone's or everyone's sarcoid if I could is because I felt like I didn't have any value to my life anyway and if this meant to my demise of my health, so be it. WHY? WHY? It is because the "root" of this line of thinking is this HURT or just feeling like worthless trash that ever was. This has made the think at times, if I had money I leave this state and never return ever. Severed all "ties" with my so call family. Again this HURT I wrote about is not physical, it's this emotional crap. Tracie, that e-mail I wrote about the deer was just an analogy regarding this deer's demise to my emotional or pscyologial health I had over at various times these last 17 months. I wasn't feeling this way when I wrote about this deer. Animals and humans know when something is not right and they feel sick or weak that may die. It's part of nature's instinct inside their minds to

comprehend this. Again I say, I have had those angry thoughts and I know I shouldn't have them at all and don't want them either. I suppose I need to talk to someone at the V.A. Mental Health Clinic again there where I go for health (same building down the hallway). Kathy and I have had periods of stress at various times of our married lives. It is going on it seems like everyday. It is just hard to cope with every aspect of our lives. I'll put this idea of sending a picture(s) on hold now. Darlene wrote: , I agree with Tracie completely!!!!! It is time you gotoff the pity party and start living your life like the restof us do......it is not easy.......we are ALL sick....many

areliving from one week to the next with not enough money to buyfood, medicine, clothes, or anything else. I have kept quietfor quite a while now while you have complained and complainedand if you are not willing to TRY to do better, then you willNEVER get better!!!!! It is time to wake up and accept yourlife and live it......... we all care about you but are justtoo sick to feed your pity party.....Sincerely,Darlene> >>>> Since I don't value my life, trash feeling exists there. Sorry for>> rambling>> so long.>> ,> I REFUSE to spend my energy on responding to this bullshit.>> Sincerely,> Tracie>

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[Guest guest]

"Deer" , The one thing that I absolutely have in common with you is the feeling of being trash. My mom's family are/were all "respectable" people. Of course there were alcoholics, perverts, etc., but on the surface they all looked pretty good. My dad's family, on the other hand, could fill up an entire Jeff Foxworthy book or album. Most of them have lived at some point in their lives in a small trailer, with a large dog. Before the age of computers that could track people better, many of my relatives just packed up & moved when they owed a lot of money--rent, cars, whatever. Go to another state & start over fresh. All of my Dad's generation except my Aunt Bunny (yes, that's her name) were either addicts of some type, wife/child beaters, molesters, freeloaders, involved with the criminal justice system, or all of the above. The next generation (mine) has a higher percentage of "normal" people, and hopefully the 3rd will improve on us. But I always had a deeply ingrained belief that my family was "white trash" so that included me. To this day I feel guilty driving a decent-looking car that doesn't smoke like a factory. When I was still practicing midwifery, we had several families that bonded with me. A family would have 4 or 5 women or girls have babies & they always wanted Rose, no one else, to catch their babies. These families were all from a small town near here known for being headquarters for the KKK in Indiana years ago, and widely assumed to have a lot of inbreeding. Now the town has worked hard to change those perceptions, but these families I'm thinking of fit that profile exactly. They do drive pickups with gun racks in the back window & they can be a scary bunch of people. But I always felt safe & comfortable with them & one day I realized why: I knew I was one of them. The big difference was that I didn't smoke or chew and I had a college degree. Now this may strike some of you as a terrible, prejudiced attitude to have, and you would be right. But I have never been able to shake it. And when I was trying to find a house to rent after losing my house to bankruptcy, everything in my price range was either a junky house or in a junky area. I thought to myself, you are just getting back to where you belong, because those are the kind of houses I lived in as a kid. Then I got lucky & got a decent house in a nice neighborhood, with WalMart across the street! What a bonus!

But the thing is , even though I do think of myself as "white trash" at the core, "white trash" deserves the best, same as everybody else: best health care, best education, best oppor-tunities, best assumptions. I loved those families as much as any I knew & tried just as hard to give those babies a healthy start as any babies. And I know that I also deserve the best, no matter what label I attach to myself with Super Glue.

I understand if you are not able to shake off that label of "trash," but read what I wrote above: even trash deserves the best. So don't argue with me, Woolard. You deserve the best health care, the best disability attorney, the best chance to find happiness & fulfillment in your life, and all the rest.

And you know what, I believe that when enough people in these families, like yours & mine, get these opportunities, their opinions of themselves will rise & one day NO ONE will believe that they are "trash." So, call yourself trash if you want, but look at yourself as "recycling," becoming useful in a new way. Can you do that? It's a struggle. I know, because being a midwife was my identity; it made me feel useful. Now, I'm not sure what I'm being recycled into, but I'm willing to let myself be smashed, grinded, melted, whatever it takes. Come on, jump in that recycling bin with me!

BTW, I was raised Catholic, left the Church to marry, bounced around different denominations for many years, with my faith going from none to maybe to absolute. I'd encourage you to learn about different spiritual avenues; it's not all about "church;" you may find peace & support through another path.

Ramblin' Rose

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[Guest guest]

"Deer" , The one thing that I absolutely have in common with you is the feeling of being trash. My mom's family are/were all "respectable" people. Of course there were alcoholics, perverts, etc., but on the surface they all looked pretty good. My dad's family, on the other hand, could fill up an entire Jeff Foxworthy book or album. Most of them have lived at some point in their lives in a small trailer, with a large dog. Before the age of computers that could track people better, many of my relatives just packed up & moved when they owed a lot of money--rent, cars, whatever. Go to another state & start over fresh. All of my Dad's generation except my Aunt Bunny (yes, that's her name) were either addicts of some type, wife/child beaters, molesters, freeloaders, involved with the criminal justice system, or all of the above. The next generation (mine) has a higher percentage of "normal" people, and hopefully the 3rd will improve on us. But I always had a deeply ingrained belief that my family was "white trash" so that included me. To this day I feel guilty driving a decent-looking car that doesn't smoke like a factory. When I was still practicing midwifery, we had several families that bonded with me. A family would have 4 or 5 women or girls have babies & they always wanted Rose, no one else, to catch their babies. These families were all from a small town near here known for being headquarters for the KKK in Indiana years ago, and widely assumed to have a lot of inbreeding. Now the town has worked hard to change those perceptions, but these families I'm thinking of fit that profile exactly. They do drive pickups with gun racks in the back window & they can be a scary bunch of people. But I always felt safe & comfortable with them & one day I realized why: I knew I was one of them. The big difference was that I didn't smoke or chew and I had a college degree. Now this may strike some of you as a terrible, prejudiced attitude to have, and you would be right. But I have never been able to shake it. And when I was trying to find a house to rent after losing my house to bankruptcy, everything in my price range was either a junky house or in a junky area. I thought to myself, you are just getting back to where you belong, because those are the kind of houses I lived in as a kid. Then I got lucky & got a decent house in a nice neighborhood, with WalMart across the street! What a bonus!

But the thing is , even though I do think of myself as "white trash" at the core, "white trash" deserves the best, same as everybody else: best health care, best education, best oppor-tunities, best assumptions. I loved those families as much as any I knew & tried just as hard to give those babies a healthy start as any babies. And I know that I also deserve the best, no matter what label I attach to myself with Super Glue.

I understand if you are not able to shake off that label of "trash," but read what I wrote above: even trash deserves the best. So don't argue with me, Woolard. You deserve the best health care, the best disability attorney, the best chance to find happiness & fulfillment in your life, and all the rest.

And you know what, I believe that when enough people in these families, like yours & mine, get these opportunities, their opinions of themselves will rise & one day NO ONE will believe that they are "trash." So, call yourself trash if you want, but look at yourself as "recycling," becoming useful in a new way. Can you do that? It's a struggle. I know, because being a midwife was my identity; it made me feel useful. Now, I'm not sure what I'm being recycled into, but I'm willing to let myself be smashed, grinded, melted, whatever it takes. Come on, jump in that recycling bin with me!

BTW, I was raised Catholic, left the Church to marry, bounced around different denominations for many years, with my faith going from none to maybe to absolute. I'd encourage you to learn about different spiritual avenues; it's not all about "church;" you may find peace & support through another path.

Ramblin' Rose

Moderator Find just what you're after with the new, more precise MSN Search - try it now!

[Guest guest]

, Darlene is right- i have wanted to say the same

thing for a while now but didnt want to make u mad- U

seem to look at life in a negitive way - i know things

are tough for u but i also think your outlook on life

is the cause of some of your problems- u ned to take

a look at your life and recognize those problem areas

and work on correcting them- we are here 100% to

support u but not to give u an arena to continully

complain about how bad things are-NS is a horrible

illness we are all fighting it together and are all

symathetic to your situation but u need to make the

changes needed to make your life better we cant do

that for u= we can only make suggestions as to what we

think needs to be done- u need to make the affort to

change to make it better for u- i am sure this posting

will make u mad but i hope that after u get over your

anger u will realize that we are here to support u and

help-- Matt in Seattle

--- Darlene darlene@...> wrote:

> ,

> I agree with Tracie completely!!!!! It is

> time you got

> off the pity party and start living your life like

> the rest

> of us do......it is not easy.......we are ALL

> sick....many are

> living from one week to the next with not enough

> money to buy

> food, medicine, clothes, or anything else. I have

> kept quiet

> for quite a while now while you have complained and

> complained

> and if you are not willing to TRY to do better, then

> you will

> NEVER get better!!!!! It is time to wake up and

> accept your

> life and live it......... we all care about you but

> are just

> too sick to feed your pity party.....

>

> Sincerely,

> Darlene

>

>

>

>

>

> > In a message dated 2/8/06 5:55:28 PM Pacific

> Standard Time,

> > garyjwoolard@... writes:

> >

> >

> >> Since I don't value my life, trash feeling exists

> there. Sorry for

> >> rambling

> >> so long.

> >

> > ,

> > I REFUSE to spend my energy on responding to this

> bullshit.

> >

> > Sincerely,

> > Tracie

> >

>

>

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