Guest guest Posted February 8, 2006 Report Share Posted February 8, 2006 Rose & Everyone Else, I don't know why I have "seen" these analogies over all these months that I've written to this "hotel". (Rose, these "newer people" may don't understand my joke on "checking in" at this "hotel"). I tell about something here and most would think/say that this should have been taken care of sooner than this. You know how it is, we don't have home phone service and Reba always takes her "cell" phone with her unless she leaves this with Kathy or myself. Anyway this past weekend, Kathy said that she noticed a dead deer behind the car port garage building that is behind our apartment and this building is towards the north. On the far right side of this car port garage is a dumster for people's trash who live in the apartment building. Behind this garage type of building is where this dead deer lies there by a big evergreen or spruce type of tree. This deer may have got injury by vehicle like there in front of our apartment building. This is an two lane each direction divided street that all kinds of vehicles even semi-trucks traveled down this 44th street. This deer may have just got sick of some diease and finally just laid down and died. So I don't know what came of this deer's demise. Kathy or Reba went and told the apartment owner/manager or someone in there office about this. Their reply was, "Oh animals will come and eat this deer up, no big deal". I wanted to call the non-emergency police number yesterday about this, but no phone. Come this spring in warmer weather if this animal is not "taken care of", it will probility stink and a disease issue for humans may exist. I'll try to resolve this tomorrow. That deer may have intution that it was going to die anyway and just couldn't do anything about it. Analogy that I have at different times these months that I just die, or just give up about living. This past winter, I could have bought those sleepin pills and a bottle of rum like I'd mentioned before in a e-mail. But I didn't. Those thoughts of doing something of this nature still exists, but is either suppressed some to hardly at all. You know the "Rollercoaster Syndrome" of depression. Peaks and valleys and all that stuff. I don't have those thoughts now of just lie down permaintely like that deer. You know Rose, I can't go on like it has been in family relationships indefinetly. This after- noon I may have had skipped heartbeats, fluttering, or something again. This is probility do that "S" word, namely Stress. A part of me doesn't want this, yet another part of me feels like "big deal" having a heart attack. A part of me wishes to have a good relationship with Reba if I'd divorced Kathy someday, yet another feels like nothing to do with her as well rest of my family as long as I live. Rose, you and S. mentioned that I attend a bible study and go to some chuch. These very same things I've done before years and years ago. Now I see that there's no movitation or even a desire anymore for this. You and Tracie have said that I'am not trash. Those "trash' feelings just won't go away. As long as I'am in my situation, I'am affraid at times "wishing" for a seizures, strokes, heart attacks, etc. will come and go. Rose and Tracie, like I stated before, you both value your lives and I think others do too. Since I don't value my life, trash feeling exists there. Sorry for rambling so long. Brings words and photos together (easily) with PhotoMail - it's free and works with Yahoo! Mail. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted February 8, 2006 Report Share Posted February 8, 2006 Since I don't value my life, trash feeling exists there. Sorry for rambling so long. , I REFUSE to spend my energy on responding to this bullshit. Sincerely, Tracie Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted February 9, 2006 Report Share Posted February 9, 2006 Darlene & Tracie, I DON'T HAVE NO DAMM PITY PARTY. I WROTE THAT E-MAIL STATING AT TIMES I'VE FELT LIKE GIVING UP. TRACIE, YOU SAY THIS IS BULLSHIT WHAT I WROTE IN THAT E-MAIL. YOUR'E INTITLED TO YOUR OPINON. I TRY TO WRITE THINGS OF COMFORT TO VARIOUS PEOPLE OVER THESE PAST MONTHS, DESPITE OF BULLSHIT GOING ON IN MY FAMILY. I KNOW THAT THERE ARE PEOPLE WHO'S HEALTH IS ALOT WORST THAN MINE. I NEVER HAVE DENIED THAT THESE PAST MONTHS, NOW, OR ANYTIME IN THE FUTURE. I KNOW PEOPLE IN THIS GROUP HAVE A UPBEAT ATTITUDE ABOUT LIFE DESPITE OF HAVING POOR HEALTH NOW OR IN THEIR PAST MONTHS/YEARS. YES, I'VE BEEN ANGRY AT TIMES, THAT I FELT LIKE IF MY SO CALLED DAMM "FAMILY" COULD ALL JUST DIE OR BE ASSASSINATED. I BE THE WORLD'S WORST LIAR IF I NEVER HAD THOUGHTS OF JUST PUNCHING GOD OR JESUS RIGHT IN THE FACE. I DON'T HAVE THESE THOUGHTS ALL THE TIME, BUT IT HAS BEEN THERE OCCASSIONALLY. DARLENE, TRACIE, AND EVERYONE ELSE THAT HAS WRITTEN IN HERE SEEMS TO ME THAT DOESN'T HAVE ANY OF THOSE TYPE OF THOUGHTS I MENTIONED ABOVE. WHY? WHY? BECAUSE DESPITE OF YOUR HEALTH PROBLEMS GOING ON WITH EACH PERSON, Y'ALL HAVE PURPOSE, LOVING FAMILIES, YOU HAVE REASON TO CARRY ON REGARDLESS OF EVERYTHING, SOME HAVE REASON TO CARRY ON BECAUSE OF HAVING FAITH, YOU HAVE DESIRE TO LIVE DESPITE OF WHAT THIS SARCOID OR ANYOTHER HEALTH ISSUES AFFECTING YOU. WHY HAVE APATHY TOWARDS IMPROVING MY HEALTH, APATHY TOWARDS LIFE IN A GENERAL SENCE, APATHY TOWARDS MY SO CALLED FAMILY? It is because there's emptyness in my life, emptyness because lack of motivation at times, emptyness of love towards my family. Some have said before, "forgive and forget" what these people have said. I tried, and tried, and tried and sometimes it worked and sometimes it didn't. This HURT that I've been carrying around in my emotional baggage department of my brain has been there for years. 5, 10, maybe 20 years I don't know. When at times these past months I stated I'd take on anyone's or everyone's sarcoid if I could is because I felt like I didn't have any value to my life anyway and if this meant to my demise of my health, so be it. WHY? WHY? It is because the "root" of this line of thinking is this HURT or just feeling like worthless trash that ever was. This has made the think at times, if I had money I leave this state and never return ever. Severed all "ties" with my so call family. Again this HURT I wrote about is not physical, it's this emotional crap. Tracie, that e-mail I wrote about the deer was just an analogy regarding this deer's demise to my emotional or pscyologial health I had over at various times these last 17 months. I wasn't feeling this way when I wrote about this deer. Animals and humans know when something is not right and they feel sick or weak that may die. It's part of nature's instinct inside their minds to comprehend this. Again I say, I have had those angry thoughts and I know I shouldn't have them at all and don't want them either. I suppose I need to talk to someone at the V.A. Mental Health Clinic again there where I go for health (same building down the hallway). Kathy and I have had periods of stress at various times of our married lives. It is going on it seems like everyday. It is just hard to cope with every aspect of our lives. I'll put this idea of sending a picture(s) on hold now. Darlene wrote: , I agree with Tracie completely!!!!! It is time you gotoff the pity party and start living your life like the restof us do......it is not easy.......we are ALL sick....many areliving from one week to the next with not enough money to buyfood, medicine, clothes, or anything else. I have kept quietfor quite a while now while you have complained and complainedand if you are not willing to TRY to do better, then you willNEVER get better!!!!! It is time to wake up and accept yourlife and live it......... we all care about you but are justtoo sick to feed your pity party.....Sincerely,Darlene> >>>> Since I don't value my life, trash feeling exists there. Sorry for>> rambling>> so long.>> ,> I REFUSE to spend my energy on responding to this bullshit.>> Sincerely,> Tracie> Yahoo! Mail Use Photomail to share photos without annoying attachments. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted February 9, 2006 Report Share Posted February 9, 2006 I agree Tracie. Every day above ground is a good day! grannylunatic@... __________________________________________________ Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted February 11, 2006 Report Share Posted February 11, 2006 Ooops. Tracie, I kind of gave some different advice. Different strokes for different folks, I guess. Ramblin' Rose Moderator From: tiodaat@...Reply-To: Neurosarcoidosis To: Neurosarcoidosis Subject: Re: Fallen Down Dead DeerDate: Thu, 9 Feb 2006 22:27:18 EST I DON'T HAVE NO DAMM PITY PARTY. I WROTE THAT E-MAIL STATING AT TIMES I'VE FELT LIKE GIVING UP. TRACIE, YOU SAY THIS IS BULLSHIT WHAT I WROTE IN THAT E-MAIL. --I'm not saying that what you wrote is bullshit. The bullshit is your personal attitude about all the "crap" in your life.Darlene is correct--everything you've been griping about for the last couple of years --being in a bad marriage, no money, poor quality medical care-- can be changed. We all feel the way you feel at times. However, we've fought back up from the hell-- and have decided to stop the griping, and do what is necessary to get as well as we can be. Every single person on this group faces problems with money. Most of us lost jobs--and can't work. Most of us have had to totally fight to get any medical care other than prednisone.Most of us have had fights with our spouses and families that have injured our hearts-- and hurt us deeply.You say that you're trash--and have thought that way about yourself for 5, 10, 20 years. GARY, THOSE THOUGHTS ARE DEPRESSION. you know you can get help--but refuse to.Sure, the reason is your stomach. I get that--no need to beat that dead horse.All of us have multiple medical problems --and yeah, if we treat one thing--the meds we take MAY effect some other part of our body--so we'll have to treat that problem WHEN AND IF it happens.To live in FEAR of getting the care we need--is only going to make this journey harder. IT'S A CHOICE GARY.GARY, YOU CAN STAY IN A BAD PLACE MENTALLY--IF THAT'S WHAT YOU WANT. IF YOU DON'T WANT THOSE "BAD THOUGHTS"--TRULY DON'T WANT THEM-- THEN TAKE ACTION TO CHANGE THEM.START WITH TELLING YOURSELF YOU'RE NOT TRASH. DROP THAT PROCESS (WHAT I REFER TO AS "BULLSHIT") AND GET ON WITH LIVING. YOU'RE STILL ABOVE GROUND-- AND WALKING UPRIGHT. FOR SOME ON THE LIST--THEY WISH THEY HAD YOUR PROBLEM.SINCERELY,Tracie~~~~ *** ~~~ *** ~~~ *** ~~~~The Neurosarcoidosis CommunityNS CHAT:- Has been cancelled for now.Message Archives:-http://groups.yahoo.com/group/Neurosarcoidosis/messagesMembers Database:-Listings of locations, phone numbers, and instant messengers.http://groups.yahoo.com/group/Neurosarcoidosis/database Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted February 11, 2006 Report Share Posted February 11, 2006 Ooops. Tracie, I kind of gave some different advice. Different strokes for different folks, I guess. Ramblin' Rose Moderator From: tiodaat@...Reply-To: Neurosarcoidosis To: Neurosarcoidosis Subject: Re: Fallen Down Dead DeerDate: Thu, 9 Feb 2006 22:27:18 EST I DON'T HAVE NO DAMM PITY PARTY. I WROTE THAT E-MAIL STATING AT TIMES I'VE FELT LIKE GIVING UP. TRACIE, YOU SAY THIS IS BULLSHIT WHAT I WROTE IN THAT E-MAIL. --I'm not saying that what you wrote is bullshit. The bullshit is your personal attitude about all the "crap" in your life.Darlene is correct--everything you've been griping about for the last couple of years --being in a bad marriage, no money, poor quality medical care-- can be changed. We all feel the way you feel at times. However, we've fought back up from the hell-- and have decided to stop the griping, and do what is necessary to get as well as we can be. Every single person on this group faces problems with money. Most of us lost jobs--and can't work. Most of us have had to totally fight to get any medical care other than prednisone.Most of us have had fights with our spouses and families that have injured our hearts-- and hurt us deeply.You say that you're trash--and have thought that way about yourself for 5, 10, 20 years. GARY, THOSE THOUGHTS ARE DEPRESSION. you know you can get help--but refuse to.Sure, the reason is your stomach. I get that--no need to beat that dead horse.All of us have multiple medical problems --and yeah, if we treat one thing--the meds we take MAY effect some other part of our body--so we'll have to treat that problem WHEN AND IF it happens.To live in FEAR of getting the care we need--is only going to make this journey harder. IT'S A CHOICE GARY.GARY, YOU CAN STAY IN A BAD PLACE MENTALLY--IF THAT'S WHAT YOU WANT. IF YOU DON'T WANT THOSE "BAD THOUGHTS"--TRULY DON'T WANT THEM-- THEN TAKE ACTION TO CHANGE THEM.START WITH TELLING YOURSELF YOU'RE NOT TRASH. DROP THAT PROCESS (WHAT I REFER TO AS "BULLSHIT") AND GET ON WITH LIVING. YOU'RE STILL ABOVE GROUND-- AND WALKING UPRIGHT. FOR SOME ON THE LIST--THEY WISH THEY HAD YOUR PROBLEM.SINCERELY,Tracie~~~~ *** ~~~ *** ~~~ *** ~~~~The Neurosarcoidosis CommunityNS CHAT:- Has been cancelled for now.Message Archives:-http://groups.yahoo.com/group/Neurosarcoidosis/messagesMembers Database:-Listings of locations, phone numbers, and instant messengers.http://groups.yahoo.com/group/Neurosarcoidosis/database Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted February 24, 2006 Report Share Posted February 24, 2006 , Darlene is right- i have wanted to say the same thing for a while now but didnt want to make u mad- U seem to look at life in a negitive way - i know things are tough for u but i also think your outlook on life is the cause of some of your problems- u ned to take a look at your life and recognize those problem areas and work on correcting them- we are here 100% to support u but not to give u an arena to continully complain about how bad things are-NS is a horrible illness we are all fighting it together and are all symathetic to your situation but u need to make the changes needed to make your life better we cant do that for u= we can only make suggestions as to what we think needs to be done- u need to make the affort to change to make it better for u- i am sure this posting will make u mad but i hope that after u get over your anger u will realize that we are here to support u and help-- Matt in Seattle --- Darlene darlene@...> wrote: > , > I agree with Tracie completely!!!!! It is > time you got > off the pity party and start living your life like > the rest > of us do......it is not easy.......we are ALL > sick....many are > living from one week to the next with not enough > money to buy > food, medicine, clothes, or anything else. I have > kept quiet > for quite a while now while you have complained and > complained > and if you are not willing to TRY to do better, then > you will > NEVER get better!!!!! It is time to wake up and > accept your > life and live it......... we all care about you but > are just > too sick to feed your pity party..... > > Sincerely, > Darlene > > > > > > > In a message dated 2/8/06 5:55:28 PM Pacific > Standard Time, > > garyjwoolard@... writes: > > > > > >> Since I don't value my life, trash feeling exists > there. Sorry for > >> rambling > >> so long. > > > > , > > I REFUSE to spend my energy on responding to this > bullshit. > > > > Sincerely, > > Tracie > > > > __________________________________________________ Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Recommended Posts
Join the conversation
You are posting as a guest. If you have an account, sign in now to post with your account.
Note: Your post will require moderator approval before it will be visible.