Guest guest Posted February 8, 2006 Report Share Posted February 8, 2006 Rose & Everyone Else, I don't know why I have "seen" these analogies over all these months that I've written to this "hotel". (Rose, these "newer people" may don't understand my joke on "checking in" at this "hotel"). I tell about something here and most would think/say that this should have been taken care of sooner than this. You know how it is, we don't have home phone service and Reba always takes her "cell" phone with her unless she leaves this with Kathy or myself. Anyway this past weekend, Kathy said that she noticed a dead deer behind the car port garage building that is behind our apartment and this building is towards the north. On the far right side of this car port garage is a dumster for people's trash who live in the apartment building. Behind this garage type of building is where this dead deer lies there by a big evergreen or spruce type of tree. This deer may have got injury by vehicle like there in front of our apartment building. This is an two lane each direction divided street that all kinds of vehicles even semi-trucks traveled down this 44th street. This deer may have just got sick of some diease and finally just laid down and died. So I don't know what came of this deer's demise. Kathy or Reba went and told the apartment owner/manager or someone in there office about this. Their reply was, "Oh animals will come and eat this deer up, no big deal". I wanted to call the non-emergency police number yesterday about this, but no phone. Come this spring in warmer weather if this animal is not "taken care of", it will probility stink and a disease issue for humans may exist. I'll try to resolve this tomorrow. That deer may have intution that it was going to die anyway and just couldn't do anything about it. Analogy that I have at different times these months that I just die, or just give up about living. This past winter, I could have bought those sleepin pills and a bottle of rum like I'd mentioned before in a e-mail. But I didn't. Those thoughts of doing something of this nature still exists, but is either suppressed some to hardly at all. You know the "Rollercoaster Syndrome" of depression. Peaks and valleys and all that stuff. I don't have those thoughts now of just lie down permaintely like that deer. You know Rose, I can't go on like it has been in family relationships indefinetly. This after- noon I may have had skipped heartbeats, fluttering, or something again. This is probility do that "S" word, namely Stress. A part of me doesn't want this, yet another part of me feels like "big deal" having a heart attack. A part of me wishes to have a good relationship with Reba if I'd divorced Kathy someday, yet another feels like nothing to do with her as well rest of my family as long as I live. Rose, you and S. mentioned that I attend a bible study and go to some chuch. These very same things I've done before years and years ago. Now I see that there's no movitation or even a desire anymore for this. You and Tracie have said that I'am not trash. Those "trash' feelings just won't go away. As long as I'am in my situation, I'am affraid at times "wishing" for a seizures, strokes, heart attacks, etc. will come and go. Rose and Tracie, like I stated before, you both value your lives and I think others do too. Since I don't value my life, trash feeling exists there. Sorry for rambling so long. Brings words and photos together (easily) with PhotoMail - it's free and works with Yahoo! Mail. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted February 8, 2006 Report Share Posted February 8, 2006 Since I don't value my life, trash feeling exists there. Sorry for rambling so long. , I REFUSE to spend my energy on responding to this bullshit. Sincerely, Tracie Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted February 9, 2006 Report Share Posted February 9, 2006 , I agree with Tracie completely!!!!! It is time you got off the pity party and start living your life like the rest of us do......it is not easy.......we are ALL sick....many are living from one week to the next with not enough money to buy food, medicine, clothes, or anything else. I have kept quiet for quite a while now while you have complained and complained and if you are not willing to TRY to do better, then you will NEVER get better!!!!! It is time to wake up and accept your life and live it......... we all care about you but are just too sick to feed your pity party..... Sincerely, Darlene > In a message dated 2/8/06 5:55:28 PM Pacific Standard Time, > garyjwoolard@... writes: > > >> Since I don't value my life, trash feeling exists there. Sorry for >> rambling >> so long. > > , > I REFUSE to spend my energy on responding to this bullshit. > > Sincerely, > Tracie > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted February 9, 2006 Report Share Posted February 9, 2006 I DON'T HAVE NO DAMM PITY PARTY. I WROTE THAT E-MAIL STATING AT TIMES I'VE FELT LIKE GIVING UP. TRACIE, YOU SAY THIS IS BULLSHIT WHAT I WROTE IN THAT E-MAIL. -- I'm not saying that what you wrote is bullshit. The bullshit is your personal attitude about all the "crap" in your life. Darlene is correct--everything you've been griping about for the last couple of years --being in a bad marriage, no money, poor quality medical care-- can be changed. We all feel the way you feel at times. However, we've fought back up from the hell-- and have decided to stop the griping, and do what is necessary to get as well as we can be. Every single person on this group faces problems with money. Most of us lost jobs--and can't work. Most of us have had to totally fight to get any medical care other than prednisone. Most of us have had fights with our spouses and families that have injured our hearts-- and hurt us deeply. You say that you're trash--and have thought that way about yourself for 5, 10, 20 years. GARY, THOSE THOUGHTS ARE DEPRESSION. you know you can get help--but refuse to. Sure, the reason is your stomach. I get that--no need to beat that dead horse. All of us have multiple medical problems --and yeah, if we treat one thing--the meds we take MAY effect some other part of our body--so we'll have to treat that problem WHEN AND IF it happens. To live in FEAR of getting the care we need--is only going to make this journey harder. IT'S A CHOICE GARY. GARY, YOU CAN STAY IN A BAD PLACE MENTALLY--IF THAT'S WHAT YOU WANT. IF YOU DON'T WANT THOSE "BAD THOUGHTS"--TRULY DON'T WANT THEM-- THEN TAKE ACTION TO CHANGE THEM. START WITH TELLING YOURSELF YOU'RE NOT TRASH. DROP THAT PROCESS (WHAT I REFER TO AS "BULLSHIT") AND GET ON WITH LIVING. YOU'RE STILL ABOVE GROUND-- AND WALKING UPRIGHT. FOR SOME ON THE LIST--THEY WISH THEY HAD YOUR PROBLEM. SINCERELY, Tracie Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted February 9, 2006 Report Share Posted February 9, 2006 I DON'T HAVE NO DAMM PITY PARTY. I WROTE THAT E-MAIL STATING AT TIMES I'VE FELT LIKE GIVING UP. TRACIE, YOU SAY THIS IS BULLSHIT WHAT I WROTE IN THAT E-MAIL. -- I'm not saying that what you wrote is bullshit. The bullshit is your personal attitude about all the "crap" in your life. Darlene is correct--everything you've been griping about for the last couple of years --being in a bad marriage, no money, poor quality medical care-- can be changed. We all feel the way you feel at times. However, we've fought back up from the hell-- and have decided to stop the griping, and do what is necessary to get as well as we can be. Every single person on this group faces problems with money. Most of us lost jobs--and can't work. Most of us have had to totally fight to get any medical care other than prednisone. Most of us have had fights with our spouses and families that have injured our hearts-- and hurt us deeply. You say that you're trash--and have thought that way about yourself for 5, 10, 20 years. GARY, THOSE THOUGHTS ARE DEPRESSION. you know you can get help--but refuse to. Sure, the reason is your stomach. I get that--no need to beat that dead horse. All of us have multiple medical problems --and yeah, if we treat one thing--the meds we take MAY effect some other part of our body--so we'll have to treat that problem WHEN AND IF it happens. To live in FEAR of getting the care we need--is only going to make this journey harder. IT'S A CHOICE GARY. GARY, YOU CAN STAY IN A BAD PLACE MENTALLY--IF THAT'S WHAT YOU WANT. IF YOU DON'T WANT THOSE "BAD THOUGHTS"--TRULY DON'T WANT THEM-- THEN TAKE ACTION TO CHANGE THEM. START WITH TELLING YOURSELF YOU'RE NOT TRASH. DROP THAT PROCESS (WHAT I REFER TO AS "BULLSHIT") AND GET ON WITH LIVING. YOU'RE STILL ABOVE GROUND-- AND WALKING UPRIGHT. FOR SOME ON THE LIST--THEY WISH THEY HAD YOUR PROBLEM. SINCERELY, Tracie Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted February 9, 2006 Report Share Posted February 9, 2006 I DON'T HAVE NO DAMM PITY PARTY. I WROTE THAT E-MAIL STATING AT TIMES I'VE FELT LIKE GIVING UP. TRACIE, YOU SAY THIS IS BULLSHIT WHAT I WROTE IN THAT E-MAIL. -- I'm not saying that what you wrote is bullshit. The bullshit is your personal attitude about all the "crap" in your life. Darlene is correct--everything you've been griping about for the last couple of years --being in a bad marriage, no money, poor quality medical care-- can be changed. We all feel the way you feel at times. However, we've fought back up from the hell-- and have decided to stop the griping, and do what is necessary to get as well as we can be. Every single person on this group faces problems with money. Most of us lost jobs--and can't work. Most of us have had to totally fight to get any medical care other than prednisone. Most of us have had fights with our spouses and families that have injured our hearts-- and hurt us deeply. You say that you're trash--and have thought that way about yourself for 5, 10, 20 years. GARY, THOSE THOUGHTS ARE DEPRESSION. you know you can get help--but refuse to. Sure, the reason is your stomach. I get that--no need to beat that dead horse. All of us have multiple medical problems --and yeah, if we treat one thing--the meds we take MAY effect some other part of our body--so we'll have to treat that problem WHEN AND IF it happens. To live in FEAR of getting the care we need--is only going to make this journey harder. IT'S A CHOICE GARY. GARY, YOU CAN STAY IN A BAD PLACE MENTALLY--IF THAT'S WHAT YOU WANT. IF YOU DON'T WANT THOSE "BAD THOUGHTS"--TRULY DON'T WANT THEM-- THEN TAKE ACTION TO CHANGE THEM. START WITH TELLING YOURSELF YOU'RE NOT TRASH. DROP THAT PROCESS (WHAT I REFER TO AS "BULLSHIT") AND GET ON WITH LIVING. YOU'RE STILL ABOVE GROUND-- AND WALKING UPRIGHT. FOR SOME ON THE LIST--THEY WISH THEY HAD YOUR PROBLEM. SINCERELY, Tracie Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted February 9, 2006 Report Share Posted February 9, 2006 I agree Tracie. Every day above ground is a good day! grannylunatic@... __________________________________________________ Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted February 9, 2006 Report Share Posted February 9, 2006 I agree Tracie. Every day above ground is a good day! grannylunatic@... __________________________________________________ Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted February 11, 2006 Report Share Posted February 11, 2006 "Deer" , The one thing that I absolutely have in common with you is the feeling of being trash. My mom's family are/were all "respectable" people. Of course there were alcoholics, perverts, etc., but on the surface they all looked pretty good. My dad's family, on the other hand, could fill up an entire Jeff Foxworthy book or album. Most of them have lived at some point in their lives in a small trailer, with a large dog. Before the age of computers that could track people better, many of my relatives just packed up & moved when they owed a lot of money--rent, cars, whatever. Go to another state & start over fresh. All of my Dad's generation except my Aunt Bunny (yes, that's her name) were either addicts of some type, wife/child beaters, molesters, freeloaders, involved with the criminal justice system, or all of the above. The next generation (mine) has a higher percentage of "normal" people, and hopefully the 3rd will improve on us. But I always had a deeply ingrained belief that my family was "white trash" so that included me. To this day I feel guilty driving a decent-looking car that doesn't smoke like a factory. When I was still practicing midwifery, we had several families that bonded with me. A family would have 4 or 5 women or girls have babies & they always wanted Rose, no one else, to catch their babies. These families were all from a small town near here known for being headquarters for the KKK in Indiana years ago, and widely assumed to have a lot of inbreeding. Now the town has worked hard to change those perceptions, but these families I'm thinking of fit that profile exactly. They do drive pickups with gun racks in the back window & they can be a scary bunch of people. But I always felt safe & comfortable with them & one day I realized why: I knew I was one of them. The big difference was that I didn't smoke or chew and I had a college degree. Now this may strike some of you as a terrible, prejudiced attitude to have, and you would be right. But I have never been able to shake it. And when I was trying to find a house to rent after losing my house to bankruptcy, everything in my price range was either a junky house or in a junky area. I thought to myself, you are just getting back to where you belong, because those are the kind of houses I lived in as a kid. Then I got lucky & got a decent house in a nice neighborhood, with WalMart across the street! What a bonus! But the thing is , even though I do think of myself as "white trash" at the core, "white trash" deserves the best, same as everybody else: best health care, best education, best oppor-tunities, best assumptions. I loved those families as much as any I knew & tried just as hard to give those babies a healthy start as any babies. And I know that I also deserve the best, no matter what label I attach to myself with Super Glue. I understand if you are not able to shake off that label of "trash," but read what I wrote above: even trash deserves the best. So don't argue with me, Woolard. You deserve the best health care, the best disability attorney, the best chance to find happiness & fulfillment in your life, and all the rest. And you know what, I believe that when enough people in these families, like yours & mine, get these opportunities, their opinions of themselves will rise & one day NO ONE will believe that they are "trash." So, call yourself trash if you want, but look at yourself as "recycling," becoming useful in a new way. Can you do that? It's a struggle. I know, because being a midwife was my identity; it made me feel useful. Now, I'm not sure what I'm being recycled into, but I'm willing to let myself be smashed, grinded, melted, whatever it takes. Come on, jump in that recycling bin with me! BTW, I was raised Catholic, left the Church to marry, bounced around different denominations for many years, with my faith going from none to maybe to absolute. I'd encourage you to learn about different spiritual avenues; it's not all about "church;" you may find peace & support through another path. Ramblin' Rose Moderator Find just what you're after with the new, more precise MSN Search - try it now! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted February 11, 2006 Report Share Posted February 11, 2006 Ooops. Tracie, I kind of gave some different advice. Different strokes for different folks, I guess. Ramblin' Rose Moderator From: tiodaat@...Reply-To: Neurosarcoidosis To: Neurosarcoidosis Subject: Re: Fallen Down Dead DeerDate: Thu, 9 Feb 2006 22:27:18 EST I DON'T HAVE NO DAMM PITY PARTY. I WROTE THAT E-MAIL STATING AT TIMES I'VE FELT LIKE GIVING UP. TRACIE, YOU SAY THIS IS BULLSHIT WHAT I WROTE IN THAT E-MAIL. --I'm not saying that what you wrote is bullshit. The bullshit is your personal attitude about all the "crap" in your life.Darlene is correct--everything you've been griping about for the last couple of years --being in a bad marriage, no money, poor quality medical care-- can be changed. We all feel the way you feel at times. However, we've fought back up from the hell-- and have decided to stop the griping, and do what is necessary to get as well as we can be. Every single person on this group faces problems with money. Most of us lost jobs--and can't work. Most of us have had to totally fight to get any medical care other than prednisone.Most of us have had fights with our spouses and families that have injured our hearts-- and hurt us deeply.You say that you're trash--and have thought that way about yourself for 5, 10, 20 years. GARY, THOSE THOUGHTS ARE DEPRESSION. you know you can get help--but refuse to.Sure, the reason is your stomach. I get that--no need to beat that dead horse.All of us have multiple medical problems --and yeah, if we treat one thing--the meds we take MAY effect some other part of our body--so we'll have to treat that problem WHEN AND IF it happens.To live in FEAR of getting the care we need--is only going to make this journey harder. IT'S A CHOICE GARY.GARY, YOU CAN STAY IN A BAD PLACE MENTALLY--IF THAT'S WHAT YOU WANT. IF YOU DON'T WANT THOSE "BAD THOUGHTS"--TRULY DON'T WANT THEM-- THEN TAKE ACTION TO CHANGE THEM.START WITH TELLING YOURSELF YOU'RE NOT TRASH. DROP THAT PROCESS (WHAT I REFER TO AS "BULLSHIT") AND GET ON WITH LIVING. YOU'RE STILL ABOVE GROUND-- AND WALKING UPRIGHT. FOR SOME ON THE LIST--THEY WISH THEY HAD YOUR PROBLEM.SINCERELY,Tracie~~~~ *** ~~~ *** ~~~ *** ~~~~The Neurosarcoidosis CommunityNS CHAT:- Has been cancelled for now.Message Archives:-http://groups.yahoo.com/group/Neurosarcoidosis/messagesMembers Database:-Listings of locations, phone numbers, and instant messengers.http://groups.yahoo.com/group/Neurosarcoidosis/database Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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