Re: need some TLC (or a reality check)

[Guest guest]

Rose,

You didn't let down, let herself down. She should

be grateful there is someone who is willing to help her get her life

back on track, but as you know it doesn't matter what you do, it won't

happen until they make it happen. She has no idea how lucky she is to

have you, so many kids with no one to care for them or love them. You

are always there for Sam, and have been for years. She in fact let you

down. Now all you can really do is pray that she will grow up enough

to realize that life is not about who did her wrong, but about what she

did right. Nothing anyone can say can make her think that way until

she is ready. As "" our heavenly mother to watch over her now, and

guide her, she will.

Rose don't be hard on yourself, you are a wonderful person, and

grandmother, some day will see this and tell you, until then,

prayer.

hugs and blessings,

Marla

Remember loves her as much as you do.

I'm feeling pretty down today. My granddaughter, , was taken back to the Girls School yesterday by her parole officer. She's been acting out lately, but I didn't report it, because I kept hoping she would get back on the right path & stay there. But Monday she & another girl skipped school & shoplifted some clothes. They were caught, although Sam didn't actually have any merchandise on her, so she wasn't arrested for the shoplifting. But the truancy was a parole violation, along with having another passenger in the car. The clincher was when her P.O. went to the school & checked her attendance record. In two months she had 52 incidents of missing one or more classes, plus the full days that I knew about. The school has a website where parents can check grades, attendance, etc. I've been checking it, but apparently they don't include missed classes, just full days.

I took her to school yesterday morning, knowing that her P.O. was going to take her out of school. She knew it was likely too, but she was hoping I'd talk him out of it. I came home & just went to sleep, so I wouldn't have to think about it. He came by later & talked about it. She will have a hearing in 2-3 weeks to determine what happens next. I feel like I failed her, even though I did everything I could think of to encourage her to make healthy choices. Last week we were talking about the prom, and looking on the Internet for info on cheap travel in Europe, as she wanted to do something like that before starting college. And all this time she was skipping school, blowing off school assignments, and lying to me about where she went, etc. I tried the philosophy that kids will live up to your expectations, so I gave her some freedom, and she just took advantage of me. Now she tells her P.O. she never wants to talk to me again, like I'm the one who screwed up.

What can I do? What should I do? I just feel demoralized. The only way I can function is to just shove it down under some of the other shit I've buried. Thanks for being the kind of people I can be honest with.

*Ramblin' Rose*

*Moderator*

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[Guest guest]

Rose,

You didn't let down, let herself down. She should

be grateful there is someone who is willing to help her get her life

back on track, but as you know it doesn't matter what you do, it won't

happen until they make it happen. She has no idea how lucky she is to

have you, so many kids with no one to care for them or love them. You

are always there for Sam, and have been for years. She in fact let you

down. Now all you can really do is pray that she will grow up enough

to realize that life is not about who did her wrong, but about what she

did right. Nothing anyone can say can make her think that way until

she is ready. As "" our heavenly mother to watch over her now, and

guide her, she will.

Rose don't be hard on yourself, you are a wonderful person, and

grandmother, some day will see this and tell you, until then,

prayer.

hugs and blessings,

Marla

Remember loves her as much as you do.

I'm feeling pretty down today. My granddaughter, , was taken back to the Girls School yesterday by her parole officer. She's been acting out lately, but I didn't report it, because I kept hoping she would get back on the right path & stay there. But Monday she & another girl skipped school & shoplifted some clothes. They were caught, although Sam didn't actually have any merchandise on her, so she wasn't arrested for the shoplifting. But the truancy was a parole violation, along with having another passenger in the car. The clincher was when her P.O. went to the school & checked her attendance record. In two months she had 52 incidents of missing one or more classes, plus the full days that I knew about. The school has a website where parents can check grades, attendance, etc. I've been checking it, but apparently they don't include missed classes, just full days.

I took her to school yesterday morning, knowing that her P.O. was going to take her out of school. She knew it was likely too, but she was hoping I'd talk him out of it. I came home & just went to sleep, so I wouldn't have to think about it. He came by later & talked about it. She will have a hearing in 2-3 weeks to determine what happens next. I feel like I failed her, even though I did everything I could think of to encourage her to make healthy choices. Last week we were talking about the prom, and looking on the Internet for info on cheap travel in Europe, as she wanted to do something like that before starting college. And all this time she was skipping school, blowing off school assignments, and lying to me about where she went, etc. I tried the philosophy that kids will live up to your expectations, so I gave her some freedom, and she just took advantage of me. Now she tells her P.O. she never wants to talk to me again, like I'm the one who screwed up.

What can I do? What should I do? I just feel demoralized. The only way I can function is to just shove it down under some of the other shit I've buried. Thanks for being the kind of people I can be honest with.

*Ramblin' Rose*

*Moderator*

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

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[Guest guest]

Rose,

You didn't let down, let herself down. She should

be grateful there is someone who is willing to help her get her life

back on track, but as you know it doesn't matter what you do, it won't

happen until they make it happen. She has no idea how lucky she is to

have you, so many kids with no one to care for them or love them. You

are always there for Sam, and have been for years. She in fact let you

down. Now all you can really do is pray that she will grow up enough

to realize that life is not about who did her wrong, but about what she

did right. Nothing anyone can say can make her think that way until

she is ready. As "" our heavenly mother to watch over her now, and

guide her, she will.

Rose don't be hard on yourself, you are a wonderful person, and

grandmother, some day will see this and tell you, until then,

prayer.

hugs and blessings,

Marla

Remember loves her as much as you do.

I'm feeling pretty down today. My granddaughter, , was taken back to the Girls School yesterday by her parole officer. She's been acting out lately, but I didn't report it, because I kept hoping she would get back on the right path & stay there. But Monday she & another girl skipped school & shoplifted some clothes. They were caught, although Sam didn't actually have any merchandise on her, so she wasn't arrested for the shoplifting. But the truancy was a parole violation, along with having another passenger in the car. The clincher was when her P.O. went to the school & checked her attendance record. In two months she had 52 incidents of missing one or more classes, plus the full days that I knew about. The school has a website where parents can check grades, attendance, etc. I've been checking it, but apparently they don't include missed classes, just full days.

I took her to school yesterday morning, knowing that her P.O. was going to take her out of school. She knew it was likely too, but she was hoping I'd talk him out of it. I came home & just went to sleep, so I wouldn't have to think about it. He came by later & talked about it. She will have a hearing in 2-3 weeks to determine what happens next. I feel like I failed her, even though I did everything I could think of to encourage her to make healthy choices. Last week we were talking about the prom, and looking on the Internet for info on cheap travel in Europe, as she wanted to do something like that before starting college. And all this time she was skipping school, blowing off school assignments, and lying to me about where she went, etc. I tried the philosophy that kids will live up to your expectations, so I gave her some freedom, and she just took advantage of me. Now she tells her P.O. she never wants to talk to me again, like I'm the one who screwed up.

What can I do? What should I do? I just feel demoralized. The only way I can function is to just shove it down under some of the other shit I've buried. Thanks for being the kind of people I can be honest with.

*Ramblin' Rose*

*Moderator*

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Find just what you're after with the new, more precise MSN Search - try it now! <http://g.msn.com/8HMBENUS/2731??PS=47575>

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[Guest guest]

Jeanne, wow. That was an excellent letter. I am printing all of these wise & loving messages to read when I'm in doubt about the situation. Thank you so much.

Ramblin' Rose

Moderator

Reply-To: Neurosarcoidosis To: Neurosarcoidosis Subject: Re: need some TLC (or a reality check)Date: Sun, 23 Apr 2006 01:11:17 -0700 (PDT)

Hi Rose -

When we were foster parents we fostered mainly "troubled" or "wayward" teens. We had so many kids pass through our lives whom we loved deeply. The most difficult thing for us was when we thought we had made progress and yet lost one of them because they made bad choices. I'd get calls from the shelter where the kids would beg us to talk with their PO's and try to get them back, but that was rarely ever successful.

I know your love for Sam is so much deeper, and I do understand your heartbreak and your disappointment. You can't blame yourself. You are doing everything you can to train Sam in the way she should go, and you are providing her with unconditional love. The first tactic a kid uses when they don't get their way is to cut you off emotionally. They can't really do that, of course, but they are really good at acting it out. She's angry and she wants to punish you because you aren't doing anything, in her book, to reclaim her lost liberties. Ouch! That's what kids do. It's the pits, because they are so darned good at it. We want everything for them - the beautiful Cinderella ball, college, travel, success; and we do whatever we can to help them get there... But then they backfire by using their estrogen- and testosterone-poisoned teen minds and take matters into their own hands without caring about the consequences (or, rather, thinking they can pull it off without having any consequences)...

I am sure that deep down Sam knows she screwed up, but at that age, they don't want to take blame or responsibility for their actions. They want to be adults and act out their perception of what adults do. When it backfires on them, they want to be little kids again and comforted by the adults in their life - you know, taken care of - have everything smoothed over and nicey nice so they can go right back and try to get away with it again. When they are called to the carpet and expected to take their punishment for their actions (you know - wanting to be an adult, therefore handle the repercussions of their actions as an adult), it's a whole different ball of wax again and they turn on the adults in their life.

They love you, they deceive you, they need you, they hate you.... We can't win that battle!!! But in time, they really do grow up to be adults, and that's when the dynamics of your relationship will change for the better. Sam will love you for all of this someday. She does love you because you are the one who has always been and is always there, but she isn't going to show you that. She wants her way - or for you to hit the highway! She will understand about parenting when she becomes one, and she'll turn to you for advice and to commiserate. It will be good someday.

In the meantime, you are absolutely right: you cannot abide by her negative behaviors because they are self-destructive no matter how pretty a picture she paints for you. You can't be expected to turn the other cheek when she steals, when she lies to you, when she skips school, etc... Not only is she being deceitful, but she could conceivably be putting herself in dangerous situations, or the repercussions could land her in dangerous situations. Part child, part blossoming young woman; it's a very confusing time in a girl's life. And she is going to despise anyone who sets limits on her, and I'm sure she resents you siding with the PO keepomg her from being free to do whatever the heck she wants. PO's can be nasty SOB's - I've dealt with my share of them through fostering teens. But they are that way for a reason. I'd rather see my child have to deal with an ugly tempered PO than go to prison and deal with anyone there, I'll tell you that. Our foster son, Adam, has done hard time in prison and it is a crushing experience. Miss Clairol is my close friend for a reason, and Adam could tell you the day I met her - the day he gave me my first gray hair. You don't want to ever be in that type of situation. Prison is wrenching to the heart and the mind; and devastating to prisoner and to everyone who loves him or her.

You have to be strong for her, Rose. You have to be willing to be the tough guy; the "meanie" who she thinks doesn't care, doesn't understand and who she thinks is out to ruin her life. You have to love her enough to take it all, because if you don't, she or someone else or something could take her life or her future away, and I honestly don't think that is anything either of you could live with. This you can handle. This you can bear. Everything you do for your granddaughter is done with love and with much consideration. The hardest part about being a parent for me is to have the "dead air" between us - that cold emptiness where warmth and joy used to reside. We're not here to be their friends (although it is a really nice bonus, I'll give you that!)... friendship can come later. But for these years, you are her mentor, her teacher, her guide; you are the one who sets boundaries and those aren't arbitrarily placed - they are there to protect her, to nurture her and to help her grow.

Think of it this way: You are the gardener; you provide the warm sunlight and the refreshing water in her life that helps her vines grow. If she's not flourishing, you'll have to add some fertilizer to help her along. (Haven't you seen how much better plants do in the garden when you've add a little cow poop? For plants, poop is good - even if it stinks for a while!) If it rains and her roots get too soggy and she starts to fade, cause the light to shine with even more vibrance and warmth, thus drying up the mud and helping her roots to spread and her leaves to turn back to your light. And if you find her completely slumped over, unable to do anything to help herself, tie her to a stake, encouring her tendrils to entwine themselves around the splintered wood; this will train her to go in the right direction. As she grows, you will see her budding blossoms watching them burst forth into amazing splendor. And she will be to you a fragrant profusion of beauty. It's late, so I'm not so sure that came out the way I meant it to (i.e. don't tie her up! LOL!). It will all work out. I know it will.

I have a great book to recommend to you. It's called, "The Power of a Praying Parent" by Stormie tian. (I think there's one called "The Power of a Praying Mother," too.) It gives you focus and helps you to pray specifically soas to target your child's specific needs. I gave mine to our Pastor when his son was in a similar situation as our Adam's, otherwise I'd send it to you. The book really helped me not to feel so helpless. It helped me to understand that God loves my child even more than I ever could, and it helped me to be a better parent and gave me a calmness and peace.

Hee hee...now who's "ramblin'?" I'll add to my prayer list! Keep your chin up!

Big, warm hugs,

Jeannie

Rose wrote:

I'm feeling pretty down today. My granddaughter, , was taken back to the Girls School yesterday by her parole officer. She's been acting out lately, but I didn't report it, because I kept hoping she would get back on the right path & stay there. But Monday she & another girl skipped school & shoplifted some clothes. They were caught, although Sam didn't actually have any merchandise on her, so she wasn't arrested for the shoplifting. But the truancy was a parole violation, along with having another passenger in the car. The clincher was when her P.O. went to the school & checked her attendance record. In two months she had 52 incidents of missing one or more classes, plus the full days that I knew about. The school has a website where parents can check grades, attendance, etc. I've been checking it, but apparently they don't include missed classes, just full days.

I took her to school yesterday morning, knowing that her P.O. was going to take her out of school. She knew it was likely too, but she was hoping I'd talk him out of it. I came home & just went to sleep, so I wouldn't have to think about it. He came by later & talked about it. She will have a hearing in 2-3 weeks to determine what happens next. I feel like I failed her, even though I did everything I could think of to encourage her to make healthy choices. Last week we were talking about the prom, and looking on the Internet for info on cheap travel in Europe, as she wanted to do something like that before starting college. And all this time she was skipping school, blowing off school assignments, and lying to me about where she went, etc. I tried the philosophy that kids will live up to your expectations, so I gave her some freedom, and she just took advantage of me. Now she tells her P.O. she never wants to talk to me again, like I'm the one who screwed up.

What can I do? What should I do? I just feel demoralized. The only way I can function is to just shove it down under some of the other shit I've buried. Thanks for being the kind of people I can be honest with.

Ramblin' Rose

Moderator

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[Guest guest]

Jeanne, wow. That was an excellent letter. I am printing all of these wise & loving messages to read when I'm in doubt about the situation. Thank you so much.

Ramblin' Rose

Moderator

Reply-To: Neurosarcoidosis To: Neurosarcoidosis Subject: Re: need some TLC (or a reality check)Date: Sun, 23 Apr 2006 01:11:17 -0700 (PDT)

Hi Rose -

When we were foster parents we fostered mainly "troubled" or "wayward" teens. We had so many kids pass through our lives whom we loved deeply. The most difficult thing for us was when we thought we had made progress and yet lost one of them because they made bad choices. I'd get calls from the shelter where the kids would beg us to talk with their PO's and try to get them back, but that was rarely ever successful.

I know your love for Sam is so much deeper, and I do understand your heartbreak and your disappointment. You can't blame yourself. You are doing everything you can to train Sam in the way she should go, and you are providing her with unconditional love. The first tactic a kid uses when they don't get their way is to cut you off emotionally. They can't really do that, of course, but they are really good at acting it out. She's angry and she wants to punish you because you aren't doing anything, in her book, to reclaim her lost liberties. Ouch! That's what kids do. It's the pits, because they are so darned good at it. We want everything for them - the beautiful Cinderella ball, college, travel, success; and we do whatever we can to help them get there... But then they backfire by using their estrogen- and testosterone-poisoned teen minds and take matters into their own hands without caring about the consequences (or, rather, thinking they can pull it off without having any consequences)...

I am sure that deep down Sam knows she screwed up, but at that age, they don't want to take blame or responsibility for their actions. They want to be adults and act out their perception of what adults do. When it backfires on them, they want to be little kids again and comforted by the adults in their life - you know, taken care of - have everything smoothed over and nicey nice so they can go right back and try to get away with it again. When they are called to the carpet and expected to take their punishment for their actions (you know - wanting to be an adult, therefore handle the repercussions of their actions as an adult), it's a whole different ball of wax again and they turn on the adults in their life.

They love you, they deceive you, they need you, they hate you.... We can't win that battle!!! But in time, they really do grow up to be adults, and that's when the dynamics of your relationship will change for the better. Sam will love you for all of this someday. She does love you because you are the one who has always been and is always there, but she isn't going to show you that. She wants her way - or for you to hit the highway! She will understand about parenting when she becomes one, and she'll turn to you for advice and to commiserate. It will be good someday.

In the meantime, you are absolutely right: you cannot abide by her negative behaviors because they are self-destructive no matter how pretty a picture she paints for you. You can't be expected to turn the other cheek when she steals, when she lies to you, when she skips school, etc... Not only is she being deceitful, but she could conceivably be putting herself in dangerous situations, or the repercussions could land her in dangerous situations. Part child, part blossoming young woman; it's a very confusing time in a girl's life. And she is going to despise anyone who sets limits on her, and I'm sure she resents you siding with the PO keepomg her from being free to do whatever the heck she wants. PO's can be nasty SOB's - I've dealt with my share of them through fostering teens. But they are that way for a reason. I'd rather see my child have to deal with an ugly tempered PO than go to prison and deal with anyone there, I'll tell you that. Our foster son, Adam, has done hard time in prison and it is a crushing experience. Miss Clairol is my close friend for a reason, and Adam could tell you the day I met her - the day he gave me my first gray hair. You don't want to ever be in that type of situation. Prison is wrenching to the heart and the mind; and devastating to prisoner and to everyone who loves him or her.

You have to be strong for her, Rose. You have to be willing to be the tough guy; the "meanie" who she thinks doesn't care, doesn't understand and who she thinks is out to ruin her life. You have to love her enough to take it all, because if you don't, she or someone else or something could take her life or her future away, and I honestly don't think that is anything either of you could live with. This you can handle. This you can bear. Everything you do for your granddaughter is done with love and with much consideration. The hardest part about being a parent for me is to have the "dead air" between us - that cold emptiness where warmth and joy used to reside. We're not here to be their friends (although it is a really nice bonus, I'll give you that!)... friendship can come later. But for these years, you are her mentor, her teacher, her guide; you are the one who sets boundaries and those aren't arbitrarily placed - they are there to protect her, to nurture her and to help her grow.

Think of it this way: You are the gardener; you provide the warm sunlight and the refreshing water in her life that helps her vines grow. If she's not flourishing, you'll have to add some fertilizer to help her along. (Haven't you seen how much better plants do in the garden when you've add a little cow poop? For plants, poop is good - even if it stinks for a while!) If it rains and her roots get too soggy and she starts to fade, cause the light to shine with even more vibrance and warmth, thus drying up the mud and helping her roots to spread and her leaves to turn back to your light. And if you find her completely slumped over, unable to do anything to help herself, tie her to a stake, encouring her tendrils to entwine themselves around the splintered wood; this will train her to go in the right direction. As she grows, you will see her budding blossoms watching them burst forth into amazing splendor. And she will be to you a fragrant profusion of beauty. It's late, so I'm not so sure that came out the way I meant it to (i.e. don't tie her up! LOL!). It will all work out. I know it will.

I have a great book to recommend to you. It's called, "The Power of a Praying Parent" by Stormie tian. (I think there's one called "The Power of a Praying Mother," too.) It gives you focus and helps you to pray specifically soas to target your child's specific needs. I gave mine to our Pastor when his son was in a similar situation as our Adam's, otherwise I'd send it to you. The book really helped me not to feel so helpless. It helped me to understand that God loves my child even more than I ever could, and it helped me to be a better parent and gave me a calmness and peace.

Hee hee...now who's "ramblin'?" I'll add to my prayer list! Keep your chin up!

Big, warm hugs,

Jeannie

Rose wrote:

I'm feeling pretty down today. My granddaughter, , was taken back to the Girls School yesterday by her parole officer. She's been acting out lately, but I didn't report it, because I kept hoping she would get back on the right path & stay there. But Monday she & another girl skipped school & shoplifted some clothes. They were caught, although Sam didn't actually have any merchandise on her, so she wasn't arrested for the shoplifting. But the truancy was a parole violation, along with having another passenger in the car. The clincher was when her P.O. went to the school & checked her attendance record. In two months she had 52 incidents of missing one or more classes, plus the full days that I knew about. The school has a website where parents can check grades, attendance, etc. I've been checking it, but apparently they don't include missed classes, just full days.

I took her to school yesterday morning, knowing that her P.O. was going to take her out of school. She knew it was likely too, but she was hoping I'd talk him out of it. I came home & just went to sleep, so I wouldn't have to think about it. He came by later & talked about it. She will have a hearing in 2-3 weeks to determine what happens next. I feel like I failed her, even though I did everything I could think of to encourage her to make healthy choices. Last week we were talking about the prom, and looking on the Internet for info on cheap travel in Europe, as she wanted to do something like that before starting college. And all this time she was skipping school, blowing off school assignments, and lying to me about where she went, etc. I tried the philosophy that kids will live up to your expectations, so I gave her some freedom, and she just took advantage of me. Now she tells her P.O. she never wants to talk to me again, like I'm the one who screwed up.

What can I do? What should I do? I just feel demoralized. The only way I can function is to just shove it down under some of the other shit I've buried. Thanks for being the kind of people I can be honest with.

Ramblin' Rose

Moderator

Find just what you're after with the new, more precise MSN Search - try it now!

Yahoo! Messenger with Voice. PC-to-Phone calls for ridiculously low rates. ~~~~ *** ~~~ *** ~~~ *** ~~~~The Neurosarcoidosis CommunityNS CHAT:- Has been cancelled for now.Message Archives:-http://groups.yahoo.com/group/Neurosarcoidosis/messagesMembers Database:-Listings of locations, phone numbers, and instant messengers.http://groups.yahoo.com/group/Neurosarcoidosis/database

[Guest guest]

, she's already called me twice. Very contrite, but I've fallen for so many of her "acts" that I don't know how to tell when she is truly sincere. Thanks for the encouragement.

Ramblin' Rose

Moderator

Reply-To: Neurosarcoidosis To: Neurosarcoidosis Subject: Re: need some TLC (or a reality check)Date: Sat, 22 Apr 2006 23:29:21 -0700 (PDT)RoseDon't blame yourself for Sams choices. You did thebest you could and then it was up to her. I have beenboth the rotten child & the parent of one that justwouldn't stay away from a man I didn't want heraround. And don't believe she won't ever talk to youagain. She will grow out of this stage.grannylunatic@...__________________________________________________

[Guest guest]

, she's already called me twice. Very contrite, but I've fallen for so many of her "acts" that I don't know how to tell when she is truly sincere. Thanks for the encouragement.

Ramblin' Rose

Moderator

Reply-To: Neurosarcoidosis To: Neurosarcoidosis Subject: Re: need some TLC (or a reality check)Date: Sat, 22 Apr 2006 23:29:21 -0700 (PDT)RoseDon't blame yourself for Sams choices. You did thebest you could and then it was up to her. I have beenboth the rotten child & the parent of one that justwouldn't stay away from a man I didn't want heraround. And don't believe she won't ever talk to youagain. She will grow out of this stage.grannylunatic@...__________________________________________________