Guest guest Posted May 5, 2006 Report Share Posted May 5, 2006 Jeannie, I know you are new to this group. I've been with this group since Aug. 2004. I did leave twice though for awhile. Yes I have had suicidal thoughts three time periods lasting about a week to 10 days each one since this period I originally was with this group. These were "just thoughts" of just "kicking the bucket", and I didn't try to end it all in any of this time period. Only once, and you and probility all here would say once is TOO many times to actually attempt suicide. I did this one and only time in my life in the parking lot of a Meijer retail store in December 1987. I had in mind that day was go see a movie at Studio 28 Movie Theater Complex (first one with 20 movie screens) and then go to a store buy some sleepin pills and just do it. was dumb and stupid (is there a difference?) to do this. Why, why did I have in my mind to do this? It was because I was so depressed that this manufacturing company I was working at was going out of business. This was G.R. Manufacturing, Inc. but they also were more known as Kelvinator, Inc. They were an oven, range, and earlier years a mircowave, and chest style freezer appliance manufacturer. I was getting $9.99 an hour with Blue Cross/Blue Shield ins. We had the U.A.W. union there for the hourly employees. So we made appliances for companies like Sears, Wards, General Electric, Tappan, Magic Chef, Westinghouse amoung the ones I remember. Anyway I was just depressed at the time because of only having just a low paying part time job of $3.85 hour about 24 hours a week. Minimun wage at that time was $3.35. Kathy my wife was not working, she was being a stay at home housewife and Reba our daughter was 9 years old then. Kathy could have working, but she didn't have a good education and little/amost none work history. We end up going on welfare for awhile. Yes, all said and done, people would think this situation in your life made you try to do yourself end. I didn't have medical problems then. I had seasonal algeries and this Peptic Ulcer Disease going on and basically that was it in health status I had. Move rapidly up to these past few years, actually at times I've been more depressed then back in Dec. 1987. Family issues, health, and just general living stuff. But alot of folks here have had or now have these things going on. At times I said I would take on anyone's Sarcoidosis in a heartbeat if I could. Why? Because I have felt like I've been a failure as a husband to Kathy, failure as a dad to Reba, failure in having stability in employment in all those years (1979-to perhaps the present), failure in having love towards some family members (regardless of having verbal abuse from time to time from 2 if not 4 of them), failure of having friends, failure of having Faith In God now that is just about none. Now with physical pain I should have some strong pain reliever drug. People have said that you should take anit-depressive drugs for your physical pain. Whatever, but to slow down and better is to try to stop the source. What? Shrink those sarcoid lesions if all said and done they are in my legs & knees to they have LESS INFLAMMATARYNESS GOING ON THERE. Jeannie, this is long e-mail I know. But just look up MUSCLE ATROPY on your computer. This is why Sarcoidonians have progress to using a can, then walker, then wheelchair/motorize scooter. I have a gut feeling this is going now. My legs are just weak and arms too but lessor amount. Jeanne Betters wrote: Oh, ! Your email broke my heart! I know how awful the run around can be. If it weren't for these loving people in this group, I'd probably be a LOT worse off emotionally than I am. And I care what happens to you. I care about you. I need you to be here because when I fall, I want to know that the person who helps catch me is someone who really understands and who faced the demons and made it through. If you end it all, it would not only be taking away your hope, but many of ours, too. You need to find your will to fight this, . I am sure that most of you are far worse off than I am at this point in the game. I am sure that my small sufferings are no where near yours. But I am also sure that maybe you don't have the money for alcohol and sleeping pills because you are meant to be here - with us. I am so sorry that you are feeling this way. I am so sorry that you are at the edge of the wall looking down. You are very VERY important to all of us. And the "use of doing anything" is because we all have this miserable disease and maybe if you don't give up, we won't give up and someday they'll have a breakthrough that will help us and possibly save future generations - our relatives, friends, you name who - from having to go through this! Please don't let what you have said set in your mind and fester. You are so much more than that. I know we can lose sight and our doctors infuriate and even intimidate us. But we're not alone in the fight. We have each other! I don't want to lose you, and I don't want you to lose heart. I will tuck you safely in my "happy thoughts" as the politcally correct term goes. You are loved, you are significant and you are strong and you can beat the heat of the moment. One step at a time, my friend. Just one small step. I'm here to spiritually hold your hand through it, if you'll let me. Please don't think those thoughts. They can't possibly help you get to a better place emotionally OR physically! My poor friend... We ALL spiral out of control and downward once in a while. I think we have earned the right even. Well, sort of. You've got to let the hands that reach out to you hold you up through this. This too, shall pass. The sun always comes back out after the storm. Hugs, Jeannie GARY WOOLARD wrote: Rose, I don't have any "handle". Actually the only C'ber code I know is 10-4 (over & out). Rose, I'am not doing good again emotionally & mentally. Not because I was awaken at 5:00 a.m. this morning in a "lodger" building here at the Battle Creek V.A. Hospital complex. Now waiting in this bldg. #2 lobby for about an hour to go down to Ann Arbor V.A. Hospital for my eye doc appt. I "reverse" direction by comming back here, stay overnight again to tomorrow morning, and then back to G.R. Have you ever got an "run around" by some medical doctor? This "quote unquote" bastard rhemy doctor I seen just makes me to have apathy towards life about anything. I'AM SO DISCUSTED WITH THIS MORON THAT I WISH I NEVER WENT INTO THE MILITARY IN THE FIRST PLACE SO NOW IN MY LIFE I WOULDN'T HAVE TO GO THROUGH PATHIC MEDICAL CARE ATTITUDE BY A RHEMY DOC AS I HAD SEEN. Don't you think Tracie be so upset that sometime in her past sarcoid years that she had problems like in her lungs and a lung doc didn't do a damm thing? Likewise of anyone else in this group that have had medical problems and NOTHING, NOTHING was done, PERIOD!!!!!!!!!!!! Only if I had MONEY again. I could go buy alcohol & sleepin pills. SAME "OL", SAME "OL". Yeah, I had in mind to pursue medical tests, treatment, etc. just like Tracie, and yourself TOLD ME different times to do, and I HAD THIS FRAME OF MIND when I went and seen this rhemy doc. What do I get????????? Same "OL" do nothing crap from this V.A. doc. Too nice of a thing that this bastard is assinated. This pain in my knees right now while writing this is bad enough that I could be taking something stronger than that Darocvet Addictive Narcotic Painkiller I took back in 2002. Then to thing this IDIOT RHEMY DOC said I should be taking ANTI-DEPRESSIVE DRUGS!!!!!!!!!!!! I told him, part of my depression is have to PUT UP WITH THIS PAIN IN MY KNEES & LEGS DAY AFTER DAY AFTER DAY. Tracie & yourself have put this ENCOURAGEMENT in time after time for people and in myself for what????????????? TO NOT GIVE UP, PERIOD, NO MATTER WHAT LIKE I SEE MENTALLY THAT TRACIE WAS FACING BEING ON LUNG TRANSPLANT LISTING AND DIE IF SHE DIDN'T BE ABLE TO TAKE THAT REMICAID DRUG. This SENSE of determination by her and yourself finally was being instilled in my mental process likewise now only this thing with this idiot rhemy doc just stop altogether. I said in a e-mail that I'll try to resolve this. I just feel like "throw in the towel sydrome" again. What's the use of doing anything about everything? Bye now from rambling Rose wrote: Hey, , what was your handle? I wasn't real big into CB, but my husband was. We had a little Opal car & he put these giant antennae on each side of the rear end. It looked ridiculus, like a huge bug. We drove that thing from Dallas to Indianapolis, and you know we got a lot of comments! , I copy you. Ramblin' Rose Moderator Reply-To: Neurosarcoidosis To: Neurosarcoidosis Subject: Re: Re: Date: Sat, 29 Apr 2006 11:23:17 -0700 (PDT) Terri, I weigh at the peak weight for me at 194 lbs. back in Dec. 2001. This was in that time period when I found out something that was going on in my lungs. From Aug. 2001 until I was diagnois of Sarcoidosis in Jan. 2002. Anyway I had steadly and gradually lost weight from this peak weight that I ever was in my life of 194 lbs down to 172 lbs by December the following year (2001). I didn't do any exercise, running, nothing. Oh if you call walking from our 2 story apartment down to the parking lot where my car was or in the reverse way and going to and from a store from the store parking lot then I guess that's exercise. I gain a little back to about 180 lbs. I have occassionly eaten some of those donuts you mentioned. When we are over in the area where we do this paperoute in Kentwood, there is a shell gas station that sells these donuts inside there. They also have a Subway sandwich deli there too. Terri, those characters such as the one you had at the end of your e-mail are cute as ever!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! That character would be a example if I got OVERINDOLGED IN EATING THOSE CRITTER DONUTS in myself looking like that. 10-4 (y'all are too young to know about c'ber talk except for Darlene, Ron, and Rose aren't you???) mosaicgirl1 wrote: , You are so funny! I usually pick the side kicks too but Al was not one of my choices I assure you, but to each his own. I like a man with meat - I do not usually don't go for the skinny man, I like one with a little meat. What did my husband do? He went and lost 25 pounds. Do you think he is trying to send me a message? BTW, I am about 45 lbs overweight myself but I did just start weight watchers. The picture below is me eating my favorite: Krispy Creme donuts. Hee Hee. Terri G. >> > Thanks for the update on Doc tv show. I can't afford> cable & I'm too far from Louisville to pick it up on> "poor peoples" tv as we call it in my family. LOL As> far as the hunky man my idea of a hunky tv man was AL> on Tool TIme! I'm a chubby chaser & he could fix the> stuff around the house I broke. LOL> > > > grannylunatic@...> > __________________________________________________> Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted May 5, 2006 Report Share Posted May 5, 2006 Jeannie, I know you are new to this group. I've been with this group since Aug. 2004. I did leave twice though for awhile. Yes I have had suicidal thoughts three time periods lasting about a week to 10 days each one since this period I originally was with this group. These were "just thoughts" of just "kicking the bucket", and I didn't try to end it all in any of this time period. Only once, and you and probility all here would say once is TOO many times to actually attempt suicide. I did this one and only time in my life in the parking lot of a Meijer retail store in December 1987. I had in mind that day was go see a movie at Studio 28 Movie Theater Complex (first one with 20 movie screens) and then go to a store buy some sleepin pills and just do it. was dumb and stupid (is there a difference?) to do this. Why, why did I have in my mind to do this? It was because I was so depressed that this manufacturing company I was working at was going out of business. This was G.R. Manufacturing, Inc. but they also were more known as Kelvinator, Inc. They were an oven, range, and earlier years a mircowave, and chest style freezer appliance manufacturer. I was getting $9.99 an hour with Blue Cross/Blue Shield ins. We had the U.A.W. union there for the hourly employees. So we made appliances for companies like Sears, Wards, General Electric, Tappan, Magic Chef, Westinghouse amoung the ones I remember. Anyway I was just depressed at the time because of only having just a low paying part time job of $3.85 hour about 24 hours a week. Minimun wage at that time was $3.35. Kathy my wife was not working, she was being a stay at home housewife and Reba our daughter was 9 years old then. Kathy could have working, but she didn't have a good education and little/amost none work history. We end up going on welfare for awhile. Yes, all said and done, people would think this situation in your life made you try to do yourself end. I didn't have medical problems then. I had seasonal algeries and this Peptic Ulcer Disease going on and basically that was it in health status I had. Move rapidly up to these past few years, actually at times I've been more depressed then back in Dec. 1987. Family issues, health, and just general living stuff. But alot of folks here have had or now have these things going on. At times I said I would take on anyone's Sarcoidosis in a heartbeat if I could. Why? Because I have felt like I've been a failure as a husband to Kathy, failure as a dad to Reba, failure in having stability in employment in all those years (1979-to perhaps the present), failure in having love towards some family members (regardless of having verbal abuse from time to time from 2 if not 4 of them), failure of having friends, failure of having Faith In God now that is just about none. Now with physical pain I should have some strong pain reliever drug. People have said that you should take anit-depressive drugs for your physical pain. Whatever, but to slow down and better is to try to stop the source. What? Shrink those sarcoid lesions if all said and done they are in my legs & knees to they have LESS INFLAMMATARYNESS GOING ON THERE. Jeannie, this is long e-mail I know. But just look up MUSCLE ATROPY on your computer. This is why Sarcoidonians have progress to using a can, then walker, then wheelchair/motorize scooter. I have a gut feeling this is going now. My legs are just weak and arms too but lessor amount. Jeanne Betters wrote: Oh, ! Your email broke my heart! I know how awful the run around can be. If it weren't for these loving people in this group, I'd probably be a LOT worse off emotionally than I am. And I care what happens to you. I care about you. I need you to be here because when I fall, I want to know that the person who helps catch me is someone who really understands and who faced the demons and made it through. If you end it all, it would not only be taking away your hope, but many of ours, too. You need to find your will to fight this, . I am sure that most of you are far worse off than I am at this point in the game. I am sure that my small sufferings are no where near yours. But I am also sure that maybe you don't have the money for alcohol and sleeping pills because you are meant to be here - with us. I am so sorry that you are feeling this way. I am so sorry that you are at the edge of the wall looking down. You are very VERY important to all of us. And the "use of doing anything" is because we all have this miserable disease and maybe if you don't give up, we won't give up and someday they'll have a breakthrough that will help us and possibly save future generations - our relatives, friends, you name who - from having to go through this! Please don't let what you have said set in your mind and fester. You are so much more than that. I know we can lose sight and our doctors infuriate and even intimidate us. But we're not alone in the fight. We have each other! I don't want to lose you, and I don't want you to lose heart. I will tuck you safely in my "happy thoughts" as the politcally correct term goes. You are loved, you are significant and you are strong and you can beat the heat of the moment. One step at a time, my friend. Just one small step. I'm here to spiritually hold your hand through it, if you'll let me. Please don't think those thoughts. They can't possibly help you get to a better place emotionally OR physically! My poor friend... We ALL spiral out of control and downward once in a while. I think we have earned the right even. Well, sort of. You've got to let the hands that reach out to you hold you up through this. This too, shall pass. The sun always comes back out after the storm. Hugs, Jeannie GARY WOOLARD wrote: Rose, I don't have any "handle". Actually the only C'ber code I know is 10-4 (over & out). Rose, I'am not doing good again emotionally & mentally. Not because I was awaken at 5:00 a.m. this morning in a "lodger" building here at the Battle Creek V.A. Hospital complex. Now waiting in this bldg. #2 lobby for about an hour to go down to Ann Arbor V.A. Hospital for my eye doc appt. I "reverse" direction by comming back here, stay overnight again to tomorrow morning, and then back to G.R. Have you ever got an "run around" by some medical doctor? This "quote unquote" bastard rhemy doctor I seen just makes me to have apathy towards life about anything. I'AM SO DISCUSTED WITH THIS MORON THAT I WISH I NEVER WENT INTO THE MILITARY IN THE FIRST PLACE SO NOW IN MY LIFE I WOULDN'T HAVE TO GO THROUGH PATHIC MEDICAL CARE ATTITUDE BY A RHEMY DOC AS I HAD SEEN. Don't you think Tracie be so upset that sometime in her past sarcoid years that she had problems like in her lungs and a lung doc didn't do a damm thing? Likewise of anyone else in this group that have had medical problems and NOTHING, NOTHING was done, PERIOD!!!!!!!!!!!! Only if I had MONEY again. I could go buy alcohol & sleepin pills. SAME "OL", SAME "OL". Yeah, I had in mind to pursue medical tests, treatment, etc. just like Tracie, and yourself TOLD ME different times to do, and I HAD THIS FRAME OF MIND when I went and seen this rhemy doc. What do I get????????? Same "OL" do nothing crap from this V.A. doc. Too nice of a thing that this bastard is assinated. This pain in my knees right now while writing this is bad enough that I could be taking something stronger than that Darocvet Addictive Narcotic Painkiller I took back in 2002. Then to thing this IDIOT RHEMY DOC said I should be taking ANTI-DEPRESSIVE DRUGS!!!!!!!!!!!! I told him, part of my depression is have to PUT UP WITH THIS PAIN IN MY KNEES & LEGS DAY AFTER DAY AFTER DAY. Tracie & yourself have put this ENCOURAGEMENT in time after time for people and in myself for what????????????? TO NOT GIVE UP, PERIOD, NO MATTER WHAT LIKE I SEE MENTALLY THAT TRACIE WAS FACING BEING ON LUNG TRANSPLANT LISTING AND DIE IF SHE DIDN'T BE ABLE TO TAKE THAT REMICAID DRUG. This SENSE of determination by her and yourself finally was being instilled in my mental process likewise now only this thing with this idiot rhemy doc just stop altogether. I said in a e-mail that I'll try to resolve this. I just feel like "throw in the towel sydrome" again. What's the use of doing anything about everything? Bye now from rambling Rose wrote: Hey, , what was your handle? I wasn't real big into CB, but my husband was. We had a little Opal car & he put these giant antennae on each side of the rear end. It looked ridiculus, like a huge bug. We drove that thing from Dallas to Indianapolis, and you know we got a lot of comments! , I copy you. Ramblin' Rose Moderator Reply-To: Neurosarcoidosis To: Neurosarcoidosis Subject: Re: Re: Date: Sat, 29 Apr 2006 11:23:17 -0700 (PDT) Terri, I weigh at the peak weight for me at 194 lbs. back in Dec. 2001. This was in that time period when I found out something that was going on in my lungs. From Aug. 2001 until I was diagnois of Sarcoidosis in Jan. 2002. Anyway I had steadly and gradually lost weight from this peak weight that I ever was in my life of 194 lbs down to 172 lbs by December the following year (2001). I didn't do any exercise, running, nothing. Oh if you call walking from our 2 story apartment down to the parking lot where my car was or in the reverse way and going to and from a store from the store parking lot then I guess that's exercise. I gain a little back to about 180 lbs. I have occassionly eaten some of those donuts you mentioned. When we are over in the area where we do this paperoute in Kentwood, there is a shell gas station that sells these donuts inside there. They also have a Subway sandwich deli there too. Terri, those characters such as the one you had at the end of your e-mail are cute as ever!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! That character would be a example if I got OVERINDOLGED IN EATING THOSE CRITTER DONUTS in myself looking like that. 10-4 (y'all are too young to know about c'ber talk except for Darlene, Ron, and Rose aren't you???) mosaicgirl1 wrote: , You are so funny! I usually pick the side kicks too but Al was not one of my choices I assure you, but to each his own. I like a man with meat - I do not usually don't go for the skinny man, I like one with a little meat. What did my husband do? He went and lost 25 pounds. Do you think he is trying to send me a message? BTW, I am about 45 lbs overweight myself but I did just start weight watchers. The picture below is me eating my favorite: Krispy Creme donuts. Hee Hee. Terri G. >> > Thanks for the update on Doc tv show. I can't afford> cable & I'm too far from Louisville to pick it up on> "poor peoples" tv as we call it in my family. LOL As> far as the hunky man my idea of a hunky tv man was AL> on Tool TIme! I'm a chubby chaser & he could fix the> stuff around the house I broke. LOL> > > > grannylunatic@...> > __________________________________________________> Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted May 11, 2006 Report Share Posted May 11, 2006 Hi , I will definitely look that up some time this week when things here settle down. I completely understand the pain. I was in no way trying to make light of that. Please try to remember, though, that you are VERY important to Kathy and Reba. And the biggest thing you could ever do to let them down would be to end your life. Maybe your suffering is far more than anyone should bear. I haven't known anyone with NS other than this group, but I have had family, friends and contacts who have suffered with cancer and believe me, I do understand the compassion and mercy that fills one's heart when a loved one suffers. But you have to remember that when you lose all hope, you also rob those who love you of hope. If your wife or child were in that situation, OF COURSE it would be unbearable to see them suffer. But if you lived through them ending their lives, that would devastate you. I have had a number of people in my life take theirs. It not only kills the one who ends his or her life, it also kills part of the people they leave behind. I don't ever want to suffer in the way you do. It's horrifying. But please try to hold sight of the fact that your life impacts your wife, your daughter, your friends, family, confidantes, support friends - everyone. I even realize as I type this that you may think I'm minimizing your experience or in some way trying to rob you of the right to express your frustration and feelings. That is the farthest thing from the truth. You have every right to be pissed off, to stop wanting to try anymore. But giving up is a lot more than the moment that you so do. And it effects everyone. I would rather have you email me and lash out a million times than ever end your life. You are not dumb nor are you stupid. You have been pushed to the brink with your suffering. But all I can think of is the remarkable fact that you endured instead of giving up. You're still here. You and Kathy survived the hellish experience way back before NS. And I'm sure if I could sit down with her and Reba face-to-face, they would tell me of your courage and strength and I'd hear about their compassion for the suffering you endure. Kathy loves you, - she's still with you. She didn't bail. And Reba has her daddy. How many kids can say they have their Mom and Dad and that they are still together? That is no failure . I've been married 17+ years and I can tell you sometimes that is even more stressful than being sick. That is an ACCOMPLISHMENT. And I'd bet a million to one that you are not a failure in their eyes, but rather an inspiration. You are not alone if you feel guilty about the burden you put on your family because you aren't what you want to be or what anyone expected you to be. But when it comes down to brass tacks, they'd rather have you and have you imperfect than lose you and never have the opportunity to hear your voice again, to see your smile, or to listen to you lose your cool. People are not disposable. And families fall apart because we lose trust in what they are vs. what we feel they should be. Your worth is not measured by success, money or what you can or cannot do. Your worth is measured by the fact that you are here and what you bring into the lives of those who love you. Your worth is found in a smile and that sweet :As long as you do the very best you can with the resources that are bestowed upon you: as long as you can say "I love you" with your eyes; as long as you can still show compassion to someone else who needs your support, well, I think you've got an awful lot going for you."eye-sparkle" when your daughter comes home with a special card she made you. Your worth is found in the arms of your wife who still turns to you for strength a when she can't handle something big on her own. Your worth is found in the laughter shared with friends, the special gifts and your random acts of kindness to those who you love most. Your worth is found in the memories that you can record on tape for your daughter to pass on to her children. Your worth is found in your character, your desire to do good, to do the right thing as often as humanly possible. Your worth is your legacy that you leave to your family once you have been long gone. As long as you do the very best you can with the resources that are bestowed upon you: as long as you can say "I love you" with your eyes; as long as you can still show compassion to someone else who needs your support, well, I think you've got an awful lot going for you.Just because you can't do what you want in the way in which you want to do it, doesn't mean that it isn't important or that.. It's always about quality rather than quantity, too. All the other things - the stress of having no money to pay bills or put food on the table or to get that special toy your child really, really wants for Christmas... It's all important. And you'd probably fall over in shock to know just how many people are affected by this. You don't hear about it often because people are too embarrassed to expose themselves to criticism - whatever that criticism may be (screw 'em anyways), and whether it be just or unjust. But Welfare isn't something to be ashamed of, either. It's original intent was to help people survive during difficult economic situations. Granted, it's gotten out of hand a little bit, but there is absolutely no shame in accepting assistance when you need it. You are a good man, . Nobody deserves to go through what you're suffering. I wish I could take all your pain away, . I can't imagine what you've been through and what you are now suffering. Please don't ever think that I am trying to minimalize your suffering or situation. Just please remember I am always here to be your friend, to support you and to pray for you and your family. Thanks for sharing everything! A big hug to you - Jeannie Today a counselor told me that it's not the tangible things that you give to others, but rather the time you spend with them that matters. ARY WOOLARD wrote: Jeannie, I know you are new to this group. I've been with this group since Aug. 2004. I did leave twice though for awhile. Yes I have had suicidal thoughts three time periods lasting about a week to 10 days each one since this period I originally was with this group. These were "just thoughts" of just "kicking the bucket", and I didn't try to end it all in any of this time period. Only once, and you and probility all here would say once is TOO many times to actually attempt suicide. I did this one and only time in my life in the parking lot of a Meijer retail store in December 1987. I had in mind that day was go see a movie at Studio 28 Movie Theater Complex (first one with 20 movie screens) and then go to a store buy some sleepin pills and just do it. was dumb and stupid (is there a difference?) to do this. Why, why did I have in my mind to do this? It was because I was so depressed that this manufacturing company I was working at was going out of business. This was G.R. Manufacturing, Inc. but they also were more known as Kelvinator, Inc. They were an oven, range, and earlier years a mircowave, and chest style freezer appliance manufacturer. I was getting $9.99 an hour with Blue Cross/Blue Shield ins. We had the U.A.W. union there for the hourly employees. So we made appliances for companies like Sears, Wards, General Electric, Tappan, Magic Chef, Westinghouse amoung the ones I remember. Anyway I was just depressed at the time because of only having just a low paying part time job of $3.85 hour about 24 hours a week. Minimun wage at that time was $3.35. Kathy my wife was not working, she was being a stay at home housewife and Reba our daughter was 9 years old then. Kathy could have working, but she didn't have a good education and little/amost none work history. We end up going on welfare for awhile. Yes, all said and done, people would think this situation in your life made you try to do yourself end. I didn't have medical problems then. I had seasonal algeries and this Peptic Ulcer Disease going on and basically that was it in health status I had. Move rapidly up to these past few years, actually at times I've been more depressed then back in Dec. 1987. Family issues, health, and just general living stuff. But alot of folks here have had or now have these things going on. At times I said I would take on anyone's Sarcoidosis in a heartbeat if I could. Why? Because I have felt like I've been a failure as a husband to Kathy, failure as a dad to Reba, failure in having stability in employment in all those years (1979-to perhaps the present), failure in having love towards some family members (regardless of having verbal abuse from time to time from 2 if not 4 of them), failure of having friends, failure of having Faith In God now that is just about none. Now with physical pain I should have some strong pain reliever drug. People have said that you should take anit-depressive drugs for your physical pain. Whatever, but to slow down and better is to try to stop the source. What? Shrink those sarcoid lesions if all said and done they are in my legs & knees to they have LESS INFLAMMATARYNESS GOING ON THERE. Jeannie, this is long e-mail I know. But just look up MUSCLE ATROPY on your computer. This is why Sarcoidonians have progress to using a can, then walker, then wheelchair/motorize scooter. I have a gut feeling this is going now. My legs are just weak and arms too but lessor amount. Jeanne Betters wrote: Oh, ! Your email broke my heart! I know how awful the run around can be. If it weren't for these loving people in this group, I'd probably be a LOT worse off emotionally than I am. And I care what happens to you. I care about you. I need you to be here because when I fall, I want to know that the person who helps catch me is someone who really understands and who faced the demons and made it through. If you end it all, it would not only be taking away your hope, but many of ours, too. You need to find your will to fight this, . I am sure that most of you are far worse off than I am at this point in the game. I am sure that my small sufferings are no where near yours. But I am also sure that maybe you don't have the money for alcohol and sleeping pills because you are meant to be here - with us. I am so sorry that you are feeling this way. I am so sorry that you are at the edge of the wall looking down. You are very VERY important to all of us. And the "use of doing anything" is because we all have this miserable disease and maybe if you don't give up, we won't give up and someday they'll have a breakthrough that will help us and possibly save future generations - our relatives, friends, you name who - from having to go through this! Please don't let what you have said set in your mind and fester. You are so much more than that. I know we can lose sight and our doctors infuriate and even intimidate us. But we're not alone in the fight. We have each other! I don't want to lose you, and I don't want you to lose heart. I will tuck you safely in my "happy thoughts" as the politcally correct term goes. You are loved, you are significant and you are strong and you can beat the heat of the moment. One step at a time, my friend. Just one small step. I'm here to spiritually hold your hand through it, if you'll let me. Please don't think those thoughts. They can't possibly help you get to a better place emotionally OR physically! My poor friend... We ALL spiral out of control and downward once in a while. I think we have earned the right even. Well, sort of. You've got to let the hands that reach out to you hold you up through this. This too, shall pass. The sun always comes back out after the storm. Hugs, Jeannie GARY WOOLARD wrote: Rose, I don't have any "handle". Actually the only C'ber code I know is 10-4 (over & out). Rose, I'am not doing good again emotionally & mentally. Not because I was awaken at 5:00 a.m. this morning in a "lodger" building here at the Battle Creek V.A. Hospital complex. Now waiting in this bldg. #2 lobby for about an hour to go down to Ann Arbor V.A. Hospital for my eye doc appt. I "reverse" direction by comming back here, stay overnight again to tomorrow morning, and then back to G.R. Have you ever got an "run around" by some medical doctor? This "quote unquote" bastard rhemy doctor I seen just makes me to have apathy towards life about anything. I'AM SO DISCUSTED WITH THIS MORON THAT I WISH I NEVER WENT INTO THE MILITARY IN THE FIRST PLACE SO NOW IN MY LIFE I WOULDN'T HAVE TO GO THROUGH PATHIC MEDICAL CARE ATTITUDE BY A RHEMY DOC AS I HAD SEEN. Don't you think Tracie be so upset that sometime in her past sarcoid years that she had problems like in her lungs and a lung doc didn't do a damm thing? Likewise of anyone else in this group that have had medical problems and NOTHING, NOTHING was done, PERIOD!!!!!!!!!!!! Only if I had MONEY again. I could go buy alcohol & sleepin pills. SAME "OL", SAME "OL". Yeah, I had in mind to pursue medical tests, treatment, etc. just like Tracie, and yourself TOLD ME different times to do, and I HAD THIS FRAME OF MIND when I went and seen this rhemy doc. What do I get????????? Same "OL" do nothing crap from this V.A. doc. Too nice of a thing that this bastard is assinated. This pain in my knees right now while writing this is bad enough that I could be taking something stronger than that Darocvet Addictive Narcotic Painkiller I took back in 2002. Then to thing this IDIOT RHEMY DOC said I should be taking ANTI-DEPRESSIVE DRUGS!!!!!!!!!!!! I told him, part of my depression is have to PUT UP WITH THIS PAIN IN MY KNEES & LEGS DAY AFTER DAY AFTER DAY. Tracie & yourself have put this ENCOURAGEMENT in time after time for people and in myself for what????????????? TO NOT GIVE UP, PERIOD, NO MATTER WHAT LIKE I SEE MENTALLY THAT TRACIE WAS FACING BEING ON LUNG TRANSPLANT LISTING AND DIE IF SHE DIDN'T BE ABLE TO TAKE THAT REMICAID DRUG. This SENSE of determination by her and yourself finally was being instilled in my mental process likewise now only this thing with this idiot rhemy doc just stop altogether. I said in a e-mail that I'll try to resolve this. I just feel like "throw in the towel sydrome" again. What's the use of doing anything about everything? Bye now from rambling Rose wrote: Hey, , what was your handle? I wasn't real big into CB, but my husband was. We had a little Opal car & he put these giant antennae on each side of the rear end. It looked ridiculus, like a huge bug. We drove that thing from Dallas to Indianapolis, and you know we got a lot of comments! , I copy you. Ramblin' Rose Moderator Reply-To: Neurosarcoidosis To: Neurosarcoidosis Subject: Re: Re: Date: Sat, 29 Apr 2006 11:23:17 -0700 (PDT) Terri, I weigh at the peak weight for me at 194 lbs. back in Dec. 2001. This was in that time period when I found out something that was going on in my lungs. From Aug. 2001 until I was diagnois of Sarcoidosis in Jan. 2002. Anyway I had steadly and gradually lost weight from this peak weight that I ever was in my life of 194 lbs down to 172 lbs by December the following year (2001). I didn't do any exercise, running, nothing. Oh if you call walking from our 2 story apartment down to the parking lot where my car was or in the reverse way and going to and from a store from the store parking lot then I guess that's exercise. I gain a little back to about 180 lbs. I have occassionly eaten some of those donuts you mentioned. When we are over in the area where we do this paperoute in Kentwood, there is a shell gas station that sells these donuts inside there. They also have a Subway sandwich deli there too. Terri, those characters such as the one you had at the end of your e-mail are cute as ever!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! That character would be a example if I got OVERINDOLGED IN EATING THOSE CRITTER DONUTS in myself looking like that. 10-4 (y'all are too young to know about c'ber talk except for Darlene, Ron, and Rose aren't you???) mosaicgirl1 wrote: , You are so funny! I usually pick the side kicks too but Al was not one of my choices I assure you, but to each his own. I like a man with meat - I do not usually don't go for the skinny man, I like one with a little meat. What did my husband do? He went and lost 25 pounds. Do you think he is trying to send me a message? BTW, I am about 45 lbs overweight myself but I did just start weight watchers. The picture below is me eating my favorite: Krispy Creme donuts. Hee Hee. Terri G. >> > Thanks for the update on Doc tv show. I can't afford> cable & I'm too far from Louisville to pick it up on> "poor peoples" tv as we call it in my family. LOL As> far as the hunky man my idea of a hunky tv man was AL> on Tool TIme! I'm a chubby chaser & he could fix the> stuff around the house I broke. LOL> > > > grannylunatic@...> > __________________________________________________> Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted May 11, 2006 Report Share Posted May 11, 2006 Hi , I will definitely look that up some time this week when things here settle down. I completely understand the pain. I was in no way trying to make light of that. Please try to remember, though, that you are VERY important to Kathy and Reba. And the biggest thing you could ever do to let them down would be to end your life. Maybe your suffering is far more than anyone should bear. I haven't known anyone with NS other than this group, but I have had family, friends and contacts who have suffered with cancer and believe me, I do understand the compassion and mercy that fills one's heart when a loved one suffers. But you have to remember that when you lose all hope, you also rob those who love you of hope. If your wife or child were in that situation, OF COURSE it would be unbearable to see them suffer. But if you lived through them ending their lives, that would devastate you. I have had a number of people in my life take theirs. It not only kills the one who ends his or her life, it also kills part of the people they leave behind. I don't ever want to suffer in the way you do. It's horrifying. But please try to hold sight of the fact that your life impacts your wife, your daughter, your friends, family, confidantes, support friends - everyone. I even realize as I type this that you may think I'm minimizing your experience or in some way trying to rob you of the right to express your frustration and feelings. That is the farthest thing from the truth. You have every right to be pissed off, to stop wanting to try anymore. But giving up is a lot more than the moment that you so do. And it effects everyone. I would rather have you email me and lash out a million times than ever end your life. You are not dumb nor are you stupid. You have been pushed to the brink with your suffering. But all I can think of is the remarkable fact that you endured instead of giving up. You're still here. You and Kathy survived the hellish experience way back before NS. And I'm sure if I could sit down with her and Reba face-to-face, they would tell me of your courage and strength and I'd hear about their compassion for the suffering you endure. Kathy loves you, - she's still with you. She didn't bail. And Reba has her daddy. How many kids can say they have their Mom and Dad and that they are still together? That is no failure . I've been married 17+ years and I can tell you sometimes that is even more stressful than being sick. That is an ACCOMPLISHMENT. And I'd bet a million to one that you are not a failure in their eyes, but rather an inspiration. You are not alone if you feel guilty about the burden you put on your family because you aren't what you want to be or what anyone expected you to be. But when it comes down to brass tacks, they'd rather have you and have you imperfect than lose you and never have the opportunity to hear your voice again, to see your smile, or to listen to you lose your cool. People are not disposable. And families fall apart because we lose trust in what they are vs. what we feel they should be. Your worth is not measured by success, money or what you can or cannot do. Your worth is measured by the fact that you are here and what you bring into the lives of those who love you. Your worth is found in a smile and that sweet :As long as you do the very best you can with the resources that are bestowed upon you: as long as you can say "I love you" with your eyes; as long as you can still show compassion to someone else who needs your support, well, I think you've got an awful lot going for you."eye-sparkle" when your daughter comes home with a special card she made you. Your worth is found in the arms of your wife who still turns to you for strength a when she can't handle something big on her own. Your worth is found in the laughter shared with friends, the special gifts and your random acts of kindness to those who you love most. Your worth is found in the memories that you can record on tape for your daughter to pass on to her children. Your worth is found in your character, your desire to do good, to do the right thing as often as humanly possible. Your worth is your legacy that you leave to your family once you have been long gone. As long as you do the very best you can with the resources that are bestowed upon you: as long as you can say "I love you" with your eyes; as long as you can still show compassion to someone else who needs your support, well, I think you've got an awful lot going for you.Just because you can't do what you want in the way in which you want to do it, doesn't mean that it isn't important or that.. It's always about quality rather than quantity, too. All the other things - the stress of having no money to pay bills or put food on the table or to get that special toy your child really, really wants for Christmas... It's all important. And you'd probably fall over in shock to know just how many people are affected by this. You don't hear about it often because people are too embarrassed to expose themselves to criticism - whatever that criticism may be (screw 'em anyways), and whether it be just or unjust. But Welfare isn't something to be ashamed of, either. It's original intent was to help people survive during difficult economic situations. Granted, it's gotten out of hand a little bit, but there is absolutely no shame in accepting assistance when you need it. You are a good man, . Nobody deserves to go through what you're suffering. I wish I could take all your pain away, . I can't imagine what you've been through and what you are now suffering. Please don't ever think that I am trying to minimalize your suffering or situation. Just please remember I am always here to be your friend, to support you and to pray for you and your family. Thanks for sharing everything! A big hug to you - Jeannie Today a counselor told me that it's not the tangible things that you give to others, but rather the time you spend with them that matters. ARY WOOLARD wrote: Jeannie, I know you are new to this group. I've been with this group since Aug. 2004. I did leave twice though for awhile. Yes I have had suicidal thoughts three time periods lasting about a week to 10 days each one since this period I originally was with this group. These were "just thoughts" of just "kicking the bucket", and I didn't try to end it all in any of this time period. Only once, and you and probility all here would say once is TOO many times to actually attempt suicide. I did this one and only time in my life in the parking lot of a Meijer retail store in December 1987. I had in mind that day was go see a movie at Studio 28 Movie Theater Complex (first one with 20 movie screens) and then go to a store buy some sleepin pills and just do it. was dumb and stupid (is there a difference?) to do this. Why, why did I have in my mind to do this? It was because I was so depressed that this manufacturing company I was working at was going out of business. This was G.R. Manufacturing, Inc. but they also were more known as Kelvinator, Inc. They were an oven, range, and earlier years a mircowave, and chest style freezer appliance manufacturer. I was getting $9.99 an hour with Blue Cross/Blue Shield ins. We had the U.A.W. union there for the hourly employees. So we made appliances for companies like Sears, Wards, General Electric, Tappan, Magic Chef, Westinghouse amoung the ones I remember. Anyway I was just depressed at the time because of only having just a low paying part time job of $3.85 hour about 24 hours a week. Minimun wage at that time was $3.35. Kathy my wife was not working, she was being a stay at home housewife and Reba our daughter was 9 years old then. Kathy could have working, but she didn't have a good education and little/amost none work history. We end up going on welfare for awhile. Yes, all said and done, people would think this situation in your life made you try to do yourself end. I didn't have medical problems then. I had seasonal algeries and this Peptic Ulcer Disease going on and basically that was it in health status I had. Move rapidly up to these past few years, actually at times I've been more depressed then back in Dec. 1987. Family issues, health, and just general living stuff. But alot of folks here have had or now have these things going on. At times I said I would take on anyone's Sarcoidosis in a heartbeat if I could. Why? Because I have felt like I've been a failure as a husband to Kathy, failure as a dad to Reba, failure in having stability in employment in all those years (1979-to perhaps the present), failure in having love towards some family members (regardless of having verbal abuse from time to time from 2 if not 4 of them), failure of having friends, failure of having Faith In God now that is just about none. Now with physical pain I should have some strong pain reliever drug. People have said that you should take anit-depressive drugs for your physical pain. Whatever, but to slow down and better is to try to stop the source. What? Shrink those sarcoid lesions if all said and done they are in my legs & knees to they have LESS INFLAMMATARYNESS GOING ON THERE. Jeannie, this is long e-mail I know. But just look up MUSCLE ATROPY on your computer. This is why Sarcoidonians have progress to using a can, then walker, then wheelchair/motorize scooter. I have a gut feeling this is going now. My legs are just weak and arms too but lessor amount. Jeanne Betters wrote: Oh, ! Your email broke my heart! I know how awful the run around can be. If it weren't for these loving people in this group, I'd probably be a LOT worse off emotionally than I am. And I care what happens to you. I care about you. I need you to be here because when I fall, I want to know that the person who helps catch me is someone who really understands and who faced the demons and made it through. If you end it all, it would not only be taking away your hope, but many of ours, too. You need to find your will to fight this, . I am sure that most of you are far worse off than I am at this point in the game. I am sure that my small sufferings are no where near yours. But I am also sure that maybe you don't have the money for alcohol and sleeping pills because you are meant to be here - with us. I am so sorry that you are feeling this way. I am so sorry that you are at the edge of the wall looking down. You are very VERY important to all of us. And the "use of doing anything" is because we all have this miserable disease and maybe if you don't give up, we won't give up and someday they'll have a breakthrough that will help us and possibly save future generations - our relatives, friends, you name who - from having to go through this! Please don't let what you have said set in your mind and fester. You are so much more than that. I know we can lose sight and our doctors infuriate and even intimidate us. But we're not alone in the fight. We have each other! I don't want to lose you, and I don't want you to lose heart. I will tuck you safely in my "happy thoughts" as the politcally correct term goes. You are loved, you are significant and you are strong and you can beat the heat of the moment. One step at a time, my friend. Just one small step. I'm here to spiritually hold your hand through it, if you'll let me. Please don't think those thoughts. They can't possibly help you get to a better place emotionally OR physically! My poor friend... We ALL spiral out of control and downward once in a while. I think we have earned the right even. Well, sort of. You've got to let the hands that reach out to you hold you up through this. This too, shall pass. The sun always comes back out after the storm. Hugs, Jeannie GARY WOOLARD wrote: Rose, I don't have any "handle". Actually the only C'ber code I know is 10-4 (over & out). Rose, I'am not doing good again emotionally & mentally. Not because I was awaken at 5:00 a.m. this morning in a "lodger" building here at the Battle Creek V.A. Hospital complex. Now waiting in this bldg. #2 lobby for about an hour to go down to Ann Arbor V.A. Hospital for my eye doc appt. I "reverse" direction by comming back here, stay overnight again to tomorrow morning, and then back to G.R. Have you ever got an "run around" by some medical doctor? This "quote unquote" bastard rhemy doctor I seen just makes me to have apathy towards life about anything. I'AM SO DISCUSTED WITH THIS MORON THAT I WISH I NEVER WENT INTO THE MILITARY IN THE FIRST PLACE SO NOW IN MY LIFE I WOULDN'T HAVE TO GO THROUGH PATHIC MEDICAL CARE ATTITUDE BY A RHEMY DOC AS I HAD SEEN. Don't you think Tracie be so upset that sometime in her past sarcoid years that she had problems like in her lungs and a lung doc didn't do a damm thing? Likewise of anyone else in this group that have had medical problems and NOTHING, NOTHING was done, PERIOD!!!!!!!!!!!! Only if I had MONEY again. I could go buy alcohol & sleepin pills. SAME "OL", SAME "OL". Yeah, I had in mind to pursue medical tests, treatment, etc. just like Tracie, and yourself TOLD ME different times to do, and I HAD THIS FRAME OF MIND when I went and seen this rhemy doc. What do I get????????? Same "OL" do nothing crap from this V.A. doc. Too nice of a thing that this bastard is assinated. This pain in my knees right now while writing this is bad enough that I could be taking something stronger than that Darocvet Addictive Narcotic Painkiller I took back in 2002. Then to thing this IDIOT RHEMY DOC said I should be taking ANTI-DEPRESSIVE DRUGS!!!!!!!!!!!! I told him, part of my depression is have to PUT UP WITH THIS PAIN IN MY KNEES & LEGS DAY AFTER DAY AFTER DAY. Tracie & yourself have put this ENCOURAGEMENT in time after time for people and in myself for what????????????? TO NOT GIVE UP, PERIOD, NO MATTER WHAT LIKE I SEE MENTALLY THAT TRACIE WAS FACING BEING ON LUNG TRANSPLANT LISTING AND DIE IF SHE DIDN'T BE ABLE TO TAKE THAT REMICAID DRUG. This SENSE of determination by her and yourself finally was being instilled in my mental process likewise now only this thing with this idiot rhemy doc just stop altogether. I said in a e-mail that I'll try to resolve this. I just feel like "throw in the towel sydrome" again. What's the use of doing anything about everything? Bye now from rambling Rose wrote: Hey, , what was your handle? I wasn't real big into CB, but my husband was. We had a little Opal car & he put these giant antennae on each side of the rear end. It looked ridiculus, like a huge bug. We drove that thing from Dallas to Indianapolis, and you know we got a lot of comments! , I copy you. Ramblin' Rose Moderator Reply-To: Neurosarcoidosis To: Neurosarcoidosis Subject: Re: Re: Date: Sat, 29 Apr 2006 11:23:17 -0700 (PDT) Terri, I weigh at the peak weight for me at 194 lbs. back in Dec. 2001. This was in that time period when I found out something that was going on in my lungs. From Aug. 2001 until I was diagnois of Sarcoidosis in Jan. 2002. Anyway I had steadly and gradually lost weight from this peak weight that I ever was in my life of 194 lbs down to 172 lbs by December the following year (2001). I didn't do any exercise, running, nothing. Oh if you call walking from our 2 story apartment down to the parking lot where my car was or in the reverse way and going to and from a store from the store parking lot then I guess that's exercise. I gain a little back to about 180 lbs. I have occassionly eaten some of those donuts you mentioned. When we are over in the area where we do this paperoute in Kentwood, there is a shell gas station that sells these donuts inside there. They also have a Subway sandwich deli there too. Terri, those characters such as the one you had at the end of your e-mail are cute as ever!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! That character would be a example if I got OVERINDOLGED IN EATING THOSE CRITTER DONUTS in myself looking like that. 10-4 (y'all are too young to know about c'ber talk except for Darlene, Ron, and Rose aren't you???) mosaicgirl1 wrote: , You are so funny! I usually pick the side kicks too but Al was not one of my choices I assure you, but to each his own. I like a man with meat - I do not usually don't go for the skinny man, I like one with a little meat. What did my husband do? He went and lost 25 pounds. Do you think he is trying to send me a message? BTW, I am about 45 lbs overweight myself but I did just start weight watchers. The picture below is me eating my favorite: Krispy Creme donuts. Hee Hee. Terri G. >> > Thanks for the update on Doc tv show. I can't afford> cable & I'm too far from Louisville to pick it up on> "poor peoples" tv as we call it in my family. LOL As> far as the hunky man my idea of a hunky tv man was AL> on Tool TIme! I'm a chubby chaser & he could fix the> stuff around the house I broke. LOL> > > > grannylunatic@...> > __________________________________________________> Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted May 11, 2006 Report Share Posted May 11, 2006 Jeanne, Basically Jeanne your lenghtly reply is nothing new to me. I read before of replys of what you have written from Joan, Rose, that I do remember and perhaps from when she was writing into this thing here. Either you just don't understand what I had written since you've been with this group or just don't know the facts. IN DAYS, KATHY AND MYSELF WILL HAVE BEEN MARRIED FOR 29 YEARS. Reba our daughter is not a child no more for years. She turned 28 years old herself as of this past February. Yet like days like today, working on these paperoutes in Kentwood with at times the rain was raining hard with gusts of wind to about 45 m.p.h. and putting up with this Kathy and she putting up with me, no wonder I have said & thought the things in the past. IT'S LIKE GETTING THE OTHER SIDE OF THE UNIVERSE IS NOT FAR AWAY FROM KATHY. GOING BACK IN TIME SO THE SEQUENCE OF EVENTS TAKE PLACE DIFFERENTLY BEFORE GOD CREATED HIMSELF IS NOT FAR ENOUGH TO GO BACK IN TIME TO HAVE THIS DONE. THERE I SAID IT. THIS SPEAKS FOR ITSELF. It's only has been in the HUNDREDS OF TIMES that I have wished that this Sarcoidosis get REAL BAD then I could collect disability income. Then I could move out of this apartment, get my own apartment & live by myself, take care of having a divorce, move out of this state FOR GOOD, and then NEVER EVER telephone, write, e-mail the rest of my family PERIOD FOR AS LONG AS I LIVE. NO MORE CRAP, BULL BLANKETY STUFF FROM ANY OF MY FAMILY AGAIN. NO MORE HEARING FROM MY DAD THAT ALL THIS HEALTH STUFF THAT I HAVE SAID TO HIM "IS ALL IN YOUR HEAD, GARY". These suicidal thoughts were JUST THAT, THOUGHTS that I have had those 3 different time periods dating back to August, 2004. Jeannie, like I've said before in this group before you, Connie, , Terri, Janet, Ruth, and Dot the ones I can think of that joined this group; having the worst of this Sarcoidosis, cancer, or unrelated heart attack is NO BIG DEAL TO ME. Do I feel/think this way 24 hours a day 7 days a week, week after week, no I don't. In a intermitten way like symptoms of sarcoid arthristis in my left foot and lower leg today. Stays for awhile and go away for various amounts of intensity & duration. As far as getting a divorce I have NO SOURCE OF MONEY, LEGAL (savings, stocks, bonds, etc.) or ILLEGAL (selling illegal drugs). All my so call possesions is only around $200 to $400 in worth. No money for a divorce, to live on, pay my personal bills, recretation, etc. You CAN'T GIVE ME A REASON TO CONTINUE TO LIVE ANOTHER DAY AT TIMES. BUT I CAN, I CAN GIVE YOU AND EVERONE ELSE A REASON TO PRESS ON AND TO DESIRE TO LIVE. I think there is a difference. The reason I can give you that I continue to live, IS TO GIVE CONSOLING THOUGHTS, HUMOR, AND CARE ATTITUDE TO OTHERS IN THIS GROUP. If I sound like contracdictorary it is because I'am just have NO SELF WORTH at times. Enough of rambling on here today. Jeanne Betters wrote: Hi , I will definitely look that up some time this week when things here settle down. I completely understand the pain. I was in no way trying to make light of that. Please try to remember, though, that you are VERY important to Kathy and Reba. And the biggest thing you could ever do to let them down would be to end your life. Maybe your suffering is far more than anyone should bear. I haven't known anyone with NS other than this group, but I have had family, friends and contacts who have suffered with cancer and believe me, I do understand the compassion and mercy that fills one's heart when a loved one suffers. But you have to remember that when you lose all hope, you also rob those who love you of hope. If your wife or child were in that situation, OF COURSE it would be unbearable to see them suffer. But if you lived through them ending their lives, that would devastate you. I have had a number of people in my life take theirs. It not only kills the one who ends his or her life, it also kills part of the people they leave behind. I don't ever want to suffer in the way you do. It's horrifying. But please try to hold sight of the fact that your life impacts your wife, your daughter, your friends, family, confidantes, support friends - everyone. I even realize as I type this that you may think I'm minimizing your experience or in some way trying to rob you of the right to express your frustration and feelings. That is the farthest thing from the truth. You have every right to be pissed off, to stop wanting to try anymore. But giving up is a lot more than the moment that you so do. And it effects everyone. I would rather have you email me and lash out a million times than ever end your life. You are not dumb nor are you stupid. You have been pushed to the brink with your suffering. But all I can think of is the remarkable fact that you endured instead of giving up. You're still here. You and Kathy survived the hellish experience way back before NS. And I'm sure if I could sit down with her and Reba face-to-face, they would tell me of your courage and strength and I'd hear about their compassion for the suffering you endure. Kathy loves you, - she's still with you. She didn't bail. And Reba has her daddy. How many kids can say they have their Mom and Dad and that they are still together? That is no failure . I've been married 17+ years and I can tell you sometimes that is even more stressful than being sick. That is an ACCOMPLISHMENT. And I'd bet a million to one that you are not a failure in their eyes, but rather an inspiration. You are not alone if you feel guilty about the burden you put on your family because you aren't what you want to be or what anyone expected you to be. But when it comes down to brass tacks, they'd rather have you and have you imperfect than lose you and never have the opportunity to hear your voice again, to see your smile, or to listen to you lose your cool. People are not disposable. And families fall apart because we lose trust in what they are vs. what we feel they should be. Your worth is not measured by success, money or what you can or cannot do. Your worth is measured by the fact that you are here and what you bring into the lives of those who love you. Your worth is found in a smile and that sweet :As long as you do the very best you can with the resources that are bestowed upon you: as long as you can say "I love you" with your eyes; as long as you can still show compassion to someone else who needs your support, well, I think you've got an awful lot going for you."eye-sparkle" when your daughter comes home with a special card she made you. Your worth is found in the arms of your wife who still turns to you for strength a when she can't handle something big on her own. Your worth is found in the laughter shared with friends, the special gifts and your random acts of kindness to those who you love most. Your worth is found in the memories that you can record on tape for your daughter to pass on to her children. Your worth is found in your character, your desire to do good, to do the right thing as often as humanly possible. Your worth is your legacy that you leave to your family once you have been long gone. As long as you do the very best you can with the resources that are bestowed upon you: as long as you can say "I love you" with your eyes; as long as you can still show compassion to someone else who needs your support, well, I think you've got an awful lot going for you.Just because you can't do what you want in the way in which you want to do it, doesn't mean that it isn't important or that.. It's always about quality rather than quantity, too. All the other things - the stress of having no money to pay bills or put food on the table or to get that special toy your child really, really wants for Christmas... It's all important. And you'd probably fall over in shock to know just how many people are affected by this. You don't hear about it often because people are too embarrassed to expose themselves to criticism - whatever that criticism may be (screw 'em anyways), and whether it be just or unjust. But Welfare isn't something to be ashamed of, either. It's original intent was to help people survive during difficult economic situations. Granted, it's gotten out of hand a little bit, but there is absolutely no shame in accepting assistance when you need it. You are a good man, . Nobody deserves to go through what you're suffering. I wish I could take all your pain away, . I can't imagine what you've been through and what you are now suffering. Please don't ever think that I am trying to minimalize your suffering or situation. Just please remember I am always here to be your friend, to support you and to pray for you and your family. Thanks for sharing everything! A big hug to you - Jeannie Today a counselor told me that it's not the tangible things that you give to others, but rather the time you spend with them that matters. ARY WOOLARD wrote: Jeannie, I know you are new to this group. I've been with this group since Aug. 2004. I did leave twice though for awhile. Yes I have had suicidal thoughts three time periods lasting about a week to 10 days each one since this period I originally was with this group. These were "just thoughts" of just "kicking the bucket", and I didn't try to end it all in any of this time period. Only once, and you and probility all here would say once is TOO many times to actually attempt suicide. I did this one and only time in my life in the parking lot of a Meijer retail store in December 1987. I had in mind that day was go see a movie at Studio 28 Movie Theater Complex (first one with 20 movie screens) and then go to a store buy some sleepin pills and just do it. was dumb and stupid (is there a difference?) to do this. Why, why did I have in my mind to do this? It was because I was so depressed that this manufacturing company I was working at was going out of business. This was G.R. Manufacturing, Inc. but they also were more known as Kelvinator, Inc. They were an oven, range, and earlier years a mircowave, and chest style freezer appliance manufacturer. I was getting $9.99 an hour with Blue Cross/Blue Shield ins. We had the U.A.W. union there for the hourly employees. So we made appliances for companies like Sears, Wards, General Electric, Tappan, Magic Chef, Westinghouse amoung the ones I remember. Anyway I was just depressed at the time because of only having just a low paying part time job of $3.85 hour about 24 hours a week. Minimun wage at that time was $3.35. Kathy my wife was not working, she was being a stay at home housewife and Reba our daughter was 9 years old then. Kathy could have working, but she didn't have a good education and little/amost none work history. We end up going on welfare for awhile. Yes, all said and done, people would think this situation in your life made you try to do yourself end. I didn't have medical problems then. I had seasonal algeries and this Peptic Ulcer Disease going on and basically that was it in health status I had. Move rapidly up to these past few years, actually at times I've been more depressed then back in Dec. 1987. Family issues, health, and just general living stuff. But alot of folks here have had or now have these things going on. At times I said I would take on anyone's Sarcoidosis in a heartbeat if I could. Why? Because I have felt like I've been a failure as a husband to Kathy, failure as a dad to Reba, failure in having stability in employment in all those years (1979-to perhaps the present), failure in having love towards some family members (regardless of having verbal abuse from time to time from 2 if not 4 of them), failure of having friends, failure of having Faith In God now that is just about none. Now with physical pain I should have some strong pain reliever drug. People have said that you should take anit-depressive drugs for your physical pain. Whatever, but to slow down and better is to try to stop the source. What? Shrink those sarcoid lesions if all said and done they are in my legs & knees to they have LESS INFLAMMATARYNESS GOING ON THERE. Jeannie, this is long e-mail I know. But just look up MUSCLE ATROPY on your computer. This is why Sarcoidonians have progress to using a can, then walker, then wheelchair/motorize scooter. I have a gut feeling this is going now. My legs are just weak and arms too but lessor amount. Jeanne Betters wrote: Oh, ! Your email broke my heart! I know how awful the run around can be. If it weren't for these loving people in this group, I'd probably be a LOT worse off emotionally than I am. And I care what happens to you. I care about you. I need you to be here because when I fall, I want to know that the person who helps catch me is someone who really understands and who faced the demons and made it through. If you end it all, it would not only be taking away your hope, but many of ours, too. You need to find your will to fight this, . I am sure that most of you are far worse off than I am at this point in the game. I am sure that my small sufferings are no where near yours. But I am also sure that maybe you don't have the money for alcohol and sleeping pills because you are meant to be here - with us. I am so sorry that you are feeling this way. I am so sorry that you are at the edge of the wall looking down. You are very VERY important to all of us. And the "use of doing anything" is because we all have this miserable disease and maybe if you don't give up, we won't give up and someday they'll have a breakthrough that will help us and possibly save future generations - our relatives, friends, you name who - from having to go through this! Please don't let what you have said set in your mind and fester. You are so much more than that. I know we can lose sight and our doctors infuriate and even intimidate us. But we're not alone in the fight. We have each other! I don't want to lose you, and I don't want you to lose heart. I will tuck you safely in my "happy thoughts" as the politcally correct term goes. You are loved, you are significant and you are strong and you can beat the heat of the moment. One step at a time, my friend. Just one small step. I'm here to spiritually hold your hand through it, if you'll let me. Please don't think those thoughts. They can't possibly help you get to a better place emotionally OR physically! My poor friend... We ALL spiral out of control and downward once in a while. I think we have earned the right even. Well, sort of. You've got to let the hands that reach out to you hold you up through this. This too, shall pass. The sun always comes back out after the storm. Hugs, Jeannie GARY WOOLARD wrote: Rose, I don't have any "handle". Actually the only C'ber code I know is 10-4 (over & out). Rose, I'am not doing good again emotionally & mentally. Not because I was awaken at 5:00 a.m. this morning in a "lodger" building here at the Battle Creek V.A. Hospital complex. Now waiting in this bldg. #2 lobby for about an hour to go down to Ann Arbor V.A. Hospital for my eye doc appt. I "reverse" direction by comming back here, stay overnight again to tomorrow morning, and then back to G.R. Have you ever got an "run around" by some medical doctor? This "quote unquote" bastard rhemy doctor I seen just makes me to have apathy towards life about anything. I'AM SO DISCUSTED WITH THIS MORON THAT I WISH I NEVER WENT INTO THE MILITARY IN THE FIRST PLACE SO NOW IN MY LIFE I WOULDN'T HAVE TO GO THROUGH PATHIC MEDICAL CARE ATTITUDE BY A RHEMY DOC AS I HAD SEEN. Don't you think Tracie be so upset that sometime in her past sarcoid years that she had problems like in her lungs and a lung doc didn't do a damm thing? Likewise of anyone else in this group that have had medical problems and NOTHING, NOTHING was done, PERIOD!!!!!!!!!!!! Only if I had MONEY again. I could go buy alcohol & sleepin pills. SAME "OL", SAME "OL". Yeah, I had in mind to pursue medical tests, treatment, etc. just like Tracie, and yourself TOLD ME different times to do, and I HAD THIS FRAME OF MIND when I went and seen this rhemy doc. What do I get????????? Same "OL" do nothing crap from this V.A. doc. Too nice of a thing that this bastard is assinated. This pain in my knees right now while writing this is bad enough that I could be taking something stronger than that Darocvet Addictive Narcotic Painkiller I took back in 2002. Then to thing this IDIOT RHEMY DOC said I should be taking ANTI-DEPRESSIVE DRUGS!!!!!!!!!!!! I told him, part of my depression is have to PUT UP WITH THIS PAIN IN MY KNEES & LEGS DAY AFTER DAY AFTER DAY. Tracie & yourself have put this ENCOURAGEMENT in time after time for people and in myself for what????????????? TO NOT GIVE UP, PERIOD, NO MATTER WHAT LIKE I SEE MENTALLY THAT TRACIE WAS FACING BEING ON LUNG TRANSPLANT LISTING AND DIE IF SHE DIDN'T BE ABLE TO TAKE THAT REMICAID DRUG. This SENSE of determination by her and yourself finally was being instilled in my mental process likewise now only this thing with this idiot rhemy doc just stop altogether. I said in a e-mail that I'll try to resolve this. I just feel like "throw in the towel sydrome" again. What's the use of doing anything about everything? Bye now from rambling Rose wrote: Hey, , what was your handle? I wasn't real big into CB, but my husband was. We had a little Opal car & he put these giant antennae on each side of the rear end. It looked ridiculus, like a huge bug. We drove that thing from Dallas to Indianapolis, and you know we got a lot of comments! , I copy you. Ramblin' Rose Moderator Reply-To: Neurosarcoidosis To: Neurosarcoidosis Subject: Re: Re: Date: Sat, 29 Apr 2006 11:23:17 -0700 (PDT) Terri, I weigh at the peak weight for me at 194 lbs. back in Dec. 2001. This was in that time period when I found out something that was going on in my lungs. From Aug. 2001 until I was diagnois of Sarcoidosis in Jan. 2002. Anyway I had steadly and gradually lost weight from this peak weight that I ever was in my life of 194 lbs down to 172 lbs by December the following year (2001). I didn't do any exercise, running, nothing. Oh if you call walking from our 2 story apartment down to the parking lot where my car was or in the reverse way and going to and from a store from the store parking lot then I guess that's exercise. I gain a little back to about 180 lbs. I have occassionly eaten some of those donuts you mentioned. When we are over in the area where we do this paperoute in Kentwood, there is a shell gas station that sells these donuts inside there. They also have a Subway sandwich deli there too. Terri, those characters such as the one you had at the end of your e-mail are cute as ever!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! That character would be a example if I got OVERINDOLGED IN EATING THOSE CRITTER DONUTS in myself looking like that. 10-4 (y'all are too young to know about c'ber talk except for Darlene, Ron, and Rose aren't you???) mosaicgirl1 wrote: , You are so funny! I usually pick the side kicks too but Al was not one of my choices I assure you, but to each his own. I like a man with meat - I do not usually don't go for the skinny man, I like one with a little meat. What did my husband do? He went and lost 25 pounds. Do you think he is trying to send me a message? BTW, I am about 45 lbs overweight myself but I did just start weight watchers. The picture below is me eating my favorite: Krispy Creme donuts. Hee Hee. Terri G. >> > Thanks for the update on Doc tv show. I can't afford> cable & I'm too far from Louisville to pick it up on> "poor peoples" tv as we call it in my family. LOL As> far as the hunky man my idea of a hunky tv man was AL> on Tool TIme! I'm a chubby chaser & he could fix the> stuff around the house I broke. LOL> > > > grannylunatic@...> > __________________________________________________> Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted May 13, 2006 Report Share Posted May 13, 2006 Hi , I don't know if you realize this, but you don't have to wait for disability income to change your life. There are places people can go when they are in unhappy, unhealthy homes and haven't anywhere else to go nor the wherewithal to take care of themselves: homeless shelters. Usually YMCA is a good place to start for direction - even if they can't help you, they will probably know who can. And shelters usually even like it when you work (it's usually mandatory to staying there), so you won't have to give up your route. You don't pay a dime to stay there, but rather just do some chores and follow their rules, play nice, stuff like that. Usually you will have anywhere from 30 - 90 days to stay, during which time they will work with you on getting the services and counseling you need to get on with your life (they'll even help you and Kathy if you want to try to make things better between you). No matter what, you don't have to get a divorce to remove yourself from a situation that is eating you up inside. You sound like you could really use a breather. There's no shame in going to a shelter - it's there to help you weather the storm. Sick or well, stress like what you describe will kill you before any disease will. You have nothing to lose by going there for a while. I guess at some point or other everyone has had a suicidal thought. I'm glad in your case it's just a thought. But please try to understand: you can't pour out your misery and expect caring people, who are also suffering, to turn away and ignore your pain. You can't talk about having suicidal thoughts and expect people to ignore you. Your words were very upsetting to me, and I reacted to them in the best way I knew how. I've lost a handful of people in my life to suicide, and I've learned to believe the signs and not ignore them; not take them for granted. By "just putting it out there" -even if you mean to do nothing but blow off steam - you're going to evoke a reaction, . I truly am sorry if my reaction offended you; but you frightened me. I didn't mean to offend at all, and I'll do my best not to let that happen again. I guess I just don't understand why anyone would share something like that or anything else about themselves if they didn't want people to care. Reaching out is a good thing. It's kind of like being at the end of your rope and tying a knot. I totally understand that you don't need any more pressure - not from your Dad (who is wrong - this disease is most definitely not all in your head), not from anyone, including me. You most certainly don't owe me any caring or concern or a reason to press on. I would not have said anything remotely like that had I realized how my words would have been received. I shouldn't have put that kind of pressure on you, and most certainly didn't mean to. You're right, I don't know you. 'Sorry for jumping in like that. I get the message. I'll back off. Peace, Jeannie GARY WOOLARD wrote: Jeanne, Basically Jeanne your lenghtly reply is nothing new to me. I read before of replys of what you have written from Joan, Rose, that I do remember and perhaps from when she was writing into this thing here. Either you just don't understand what I had written since you've been with this group or just don't know the facts. IN DAYS, KATHY AND MYSELF WILL HAVE BEEN MARRIED FOR 29 YEARS. Reba our daughter is not a child no more for years. She turned 28 years old herself as of this past February. Yet like days like today, working on these paperoutes in Kentwood with at times the rain was raining hard with gusts of wind to about 45 m.p.h. and putting up with this Kathy and she putting up with me, no wonder I have said & thought the things in the past. IT'S LIKE GETTING THE OTHER SIDE OF THE UNIVERSE IS NOT FAR AWAY FROM KATHY. GOING BACK IN TIME SO THE SEQUENCE OF EVENTS TAKE PLACE DIFFERENTLY BEFORE GOD CREATED HIMSELF IS NOT FAR ENOUGH TO GO BACK IN TIME TO HAVE THIS DONE. THERE I SAID IT. THIS SPEAKS FOR ITSELF. It's only has been in the HUNDREDS OF TIMES that I have wished that this Sarcoidosis get REAL BAD then I could collect disability income. Then I could move out of this apartment, get my own apartment & live by myself, take care of having a divorce, move out of this state FOR GOOD, and then NEVER EVER telephone, write, e-mail the rest of my family PERIOD FOR AS LONG AS I LIVE. NO MORE CRAP, BULL BLANKETY STUFF FROM ANY OF MY FAMILY AGAIN. NO MORE HEARING FROM MY DAD THAT ALL THIS HEALTH STUFF THAT I HAVE SAID TO HIM "IS ALL IN YOUR HEAD, GARY". These suicidal thoughts were JUST THAT, THOUGHTS that I have had those 3 different time periods dating back to August, 2004. Jeannie, like I've said before in this group before you, Connie, , Terri, Janet, Ruth, and Dot the ones I can think of that joined this group; having the worst of this Sarcoidosis, cancer, or unrelated heart attack is NO BIG DEAL TO ME. Do I feel/think this way 24 hours a day 7 days a week, week after week, no I don't. In a intermitten way like symptoms of sarcoid arthristis in my left foot and lower leg today. Stays for awhile and go away for various amounts of intensity & duration. As far as getting a divorce I have NO SOURCE OF MONEY, LEGAL (savings, stocks, bonds, etc.) or ILLEGAL (selling illegal drugs). All my so call possesions is only around $200 to $400 in worth. No money for a divorce, to live on, pay my personal bills, recretation, etc. You CAN'T GIVE ME A REASON TO CONTINUE TO LIVE ANOTHER DAY AT TIMES. BUT I CAN, I CAN GIVE YOU AND EVERONE ELSE A REASON TO PRESS ON AND TO DESIRE TO LIVE. I think there is a difference. The reason I can give you that I continue to live, IS TO GIVE CONSOLING THOUGHTS, HUMOR, AND CARE ATTITUDE TO OTHERS IN THIS GROUP. If I sound like contracdictorary it is because I'am just have NO SELF WORTH at times. Enough of rambling on here today. Jeanne Betters wrote: Hi , I will definitely look that up some time this week when things here settle down. I completely understand the pain. I was in no way trying to make light of that. Please try to remember, though, that you are VERY important to Kathy and Reba. And the biggest thing you could ever do to let them down would be to end your life. Maybe your suffering is far more than anyone should bear. I haven't known anyone with NS other than this group, but I have had family, friends and contacts who have suffered with cancer and believe me, I do understand the compassion and mercy that fills one's heart when a loved one suffers. But you have to remember that when you lose all hope, you also rob those who love you of hope. If your wife or child were in that situation, OF COURSE it would be unbearable to see them suffer. But if you lived through them ending their lives, that would devastate you. I have had a number of people in my life take theirs. It not only kills the one who ends his or her life, it also kills part of the people they leave behind. I don't ever want to suffer in the way you do. It's horrifying. But please try to hold sight of the fact that your life impacts your wife, your daughter, your friends, family, confidantes, support friends - everyone. I even realize as I type this that you may think I'm minimizing your experience or in some way trying to rob you of the right to express your frustration and feelings. That is the farthest thing from the truth. You have every right to be pissed off, to stop wanting to try anymore. But giving up is a lot more than the moment that you so do. And it effects everyone. I would rather have you email me and lash out a million times than ever end your life. You are not dumb nor are you stupid. You have been pushed to the brink with your suffering. But all I can think of is the remarkable fact that you endured instead of giving up. You're still here. You and Kathy survived the hellish experience way back before NS. And I'm sure if I could sit down with her and Reba face-to-face, they would tell me of your courage and strength and I'd hear about their compassion for the suffering you endure. Kathy loves you, - she's still with you. She didn't bail. And Reba has her daddy. How many kids can say they have their Mom and Dad and that they are still together? That is no failure . I've been married 17+ years and I can tell you sometimes that is even more stressful than being sick. That is an ACCOMPLISHMENT. And I'd bet a million to one that you are not a failure in their eyes, but rather an inspiration. You are not alone if you feel guilty about the burden you put on your family because you aren't what you want to be or what anyone expected you to be. But when it comes down to brass tacks, they'd rather have you and have you imperfect than lose you and never have the opportunity to hear your voice again, to see your smile, or to listen to you lose your cool. People are not disposable. And families fall apart because we lose trust in what they are vs. what we feel they should be. Your worth is not measured by success, money or what you can or cannot do. Your worth is measured by the fact that you are here and what you bring into the lives of those who love you. Your worth is found in a smile and that sweet :As long as you do the very best you can with the resources that are bestowed upon you: as long as you can say "I love you" with your eyes; as long as you can still show compassion to someone else who needs your support, well, I think you've got an awful lot going for you."eye-sparkle" when your daughter comes home with a special card she made you. Your worth is found in the arms of your wife who still turns to you for strength a when she can't handle something big on her own. Your worth is found in the laughter shared with friends, the special gifts and your random acts of kindness to those who you love most. Your worth is found in the memories that you can record on tape for your daughter to pass on to her children. Your worth is found in your character, your desire to do good, to do the right thing as often as humanly possible. Your worth is your legacy that you leave to your family once you have been long gone. As long as you do the very best you can with the resources that are bestowed upon you: as long as you can say "I love you" with your eyes; as long as you can still show compassion to someone else who needs your support, well, I think you've got an awful lot going for you.Just because you can't do what you want in the way in which you want to do it, doesn't mean that it isn't important or that.. It's always about quality rather than quantity, too. All the other things - the stress of having no money to pay bills or put food on the table or to get that special toy your child really, really wants for Christmas... It's all important. And you'd probably fall over in shock to know just how many people are affected by this. You don't hear about it often because people are too embarrassed to expose themselves to criticism - whatever that criticism may be (screw 'em anyways), and whether it be just or unjust. But Welfare isn't something to be ashamed of, either. It's original intent was to help people survive during difficult economic situations. Granted, it's gotten out of hand a little bit, but there is absolutely no shame in accepting assistance when you need it. You are a good man, . Nobody deserves to go through what you're suffering. I wish I could take all your pain away, . I can't imagine what you've been through and what you are now suffering. Please don't ever think that I am trying to minimalize your suffering or situation. Just please remember I am always here to be your friend, to support you and to pray for you and your family. Thanks for sharing everything! A big hug to you - Jeannie Today a counselor told me that it's not the tangible things that you give to others, but rather the time you spend with them that matters. ARY WOOLARD wrote: Jeannie, I know you are new to this group. I've been with this group since Aug. 2004. I did leave twice though for awhile. Yes I have had suicidal thoughts three time periods lasting about a week to 10 days each one since this period I originally was with this group. These were "just thoughts" of just "kicking the bucket", and I didn't try to end it all in any of this time period. Only once, and you and probility all here would say once is TOO many times to actually attempt suicide. I did this one and only time in my life in the parking lot of a Meijer retail store in December 1987. I had in mind that day was go see a movie at Studio 28 Movie Theater Complex (first one with 20 movie screens) and then go to a store buy some sleepin pills and just do it. was dumb and stupid (is there a difference?) to do this. Why, why did I have in my mind to do this? It was because I was so depressed that this manufacturing company I was working at was going out of business. This was G.R. Manufacturing, Inc. but they also were more known as Kelvinator, Inc. They were an oven, range, and earlier years a mircowave, and chest style freezer appliance manufacturer. I was getting $9.99 an hour with Blue Cross/Blue Shield ins. We had the U.A.W. union there for the hourly employees. So we made appliances for companies like Sears, Wards, General Electric, Tappan, Magic Chef, Westinghouse amoung the ones I remember. Anyway I was just depressed at the time because of only having just a low paying part time job of $3.85 hour about 24 hours a week. Minimun wage at that time was $3.35. Kathy my wife was not working, she was being a stay at home housewife and Reba our daughter was 9 years old then. Kathy could have working, but she didn't have a good education and little/amost none work history. We end up going on welfare for awhile. Yes, all said and done, people would think this situation in your life made you try to do yourself end. I didn't have medical problems then. I had seasonal algeries and this Peptic Ulcer Disease going on and basically that was it in health status I had. Move rapidly up to these past few years, actually at times I've been more depressed then back in Dec. 1987. Family issues, health, and just general living stuff. But alot of folks here have had or now have these things going on. At times I said I would take on anyone's Sarcoidosis in a heartbeat if I could. Why? Because I have felt like I've been a failure as a husband to Kathy, failure as a dad to Reba, failure in having stability in employment in all those years (1979-to perhaps the present), failure in having love towards some family members (regardless of having verbal abuse from time to time from 2 if not 4 of them), failure of having friends, failure of having Faith In God now that is just about none. Now with physical pain I should have some strong pain reliever drug. People have said that you should take anit-depressive drugs for your physical pain. Whatever, but to slow down and better is to try to stop the source. What? Shrink those sarcoid lesions if all said and done they are in my legs & knees to they have LESS INFLAMMATARYNESS GOING ON THERE. Jeannie, this is long e-mail I know. But just look up MUSCLE ATROPY on your computer. This is why Sarcoidonians have progress to using a can, then walker, then wheelchair/motorize scooter. I have a gut feeling this is going now. My legs are just weak and arms too but lessor amount. Jeanne Betters wrote: Oh, ! Your email broke my heart! I know how awful the run around can be. If it weren't for these loving people in this group, I'd probably be a LOT worse off emotionally than I am. And I care what happens to you. I care about you. I need you to be here because when I fall, I want to know that the person who helps catch me is someone who really understands and who faced the demons and made it through. If you end it all, it would not only be taking away your hope, but many of ours, too. You need to find your will to fight this, . I am sure that most of you are far worse off than I am at this point in the game. I am sure that my small sufferings are no where near yours. But I am also sure that maybe you don't have the money for alcohol and sleeping pills because you are meant to be here - with us. I am so sorry that you are feeling this way. I am so sorry that you are at the edge of the wall looking down. You are very VERY important to all of us. And the "use of doing anything" is because we all have this miserable disease and maybe if you don't give up, we won't give up and someday they'll have a breakthrough that will help us and possibly save future generations - our relatives, friends, you name who - from having to go through this! Please don't let what you have said set in your mind and fester. You are so much more than that. I know we can lose sight and our doctors infuriate and even intimidate us. But we're not alone in the fight. We have each other! I don't want to lose you, and I don't want you to lose heart. I will tuck you safely in my "happy thoughts" as the politcally correct term goes. You are loved, you are significant and you are strong and you can beat the heat of the moment. One step at a time, my friend. Just one small step. I'm here to spiritually hold your hand through it, if you'll let me. Please don't think those thoughts. They can't possibly help you get to a better place emotionally OR physically! My poor friend... We ALL spiral out of control and downward once in a while. I think we have earned the right even. Well, sort of. You've got to let the hands that reach out to you hold you up through this. This too, shall pass. The sun always comes back out after the storm. Hugs, Jeannie GARY WOOLARD wrote: Rose, I don't have any "handle". Actually the only C'ber code I know is 10-4 (over & out). Rose, I'am not doing good again emotionally & mentally. Not because I was awaken at 5:00 a.m. this morning in a "lodger" building here at the Battle Creek V.A. Hospital complex. Now waiting in this bldg. #2 lobby for about an hour to go down to Ann Arbor V.A. Hospital for my eye doc appt. I "reverse" direction by comming back here, stay overnight again to tomorrow morning, and then back to G.R. Have you ever got an "run around" by some medical doctor? This "quote unquote" bastard rhemy doctor I seen just makes me to have apathy towards life about anything. I'AM SO DISCUSTED WITH THIS MORON THAT I WISH I NEVER WENT INTO THE MILITARY IN THE FIRST PLACE SO NOW IN MY LIFE I WOULDN'T HAVE TO GO THROUGH PATHIC MEDICAL CARE ATTITUDE BY A RHEMY DOC AS I HAD SEEN. Don't you think Tracie be so upset that sometime in her past sarcoid years that she had problems like in her lungs and a lung doc didn't do a damm thing? Likewise of anyone else in this group that have had medical problems and NOTHING, NOTHING was done, PERIOD!!!!!!!!!!!! Only if I had MONEY again. I could go buy alcohol & sleepin pills. SAME "OL", SAME "OL". Yeah, I had in mind to pursue medical tests, treatment, etc. just like Tracie, and yourself TOLD ME different times to do, and I HAD THIS FRAME OF MIND when I went and seen this rhemy doc. What do I get????????? Same "OL" do nothing crap from this V.A. doc. Too nice of a thing that this bastard is assinated. This pain in my knees right now while writing this is bad enough that I could be taking something stronger than that Darocvet Addictive Narcotic Painkiller I took back in 2002. Then to thing this IDIOT RHEMY DOC said I should be taking ANTI-DEPRESSIVE DRUGS!!!!!!!!!!!! I told him, part of my depression is have to PUT UP WITH THIS PAIN IN MY KNEES & LEGS DAY AFTER DAY AFTER DAY. Tracie & yourself have put this ENCOURAGEMENT in time after time for people and in myself for what????????????? TO NOT GIVE UP, PERIOD, NO MATTER WHAT LIKE I SEE MENTALLY THAT TRACIE WAS FACING BEING ON LUNG TRANSPLANT LISTING AND DIE IF SHE DIDN'T BE ABLE TO TAKE THAT REMICAID DRUG. This SENSE of determination by her and yourself finally was being instilled in my mental process likewise now only this thing with this idiot rhemy doc just stop altogether. I said in a e-mail that I'll try to resolve this. I just feel like "throw in the towel sydrome" again. What's the use of doing anything about everything? Bye now from rambling Rose wrote: Hey, , what was your handle? I wasn't real big into CB, but my husband was. We had a little Opal car & he put these giant antennae on each side of the rear end. It looked ridiculus, like a huge bug. We drove that thing from Dallas to Indianapolis, and you know we got a lot of comments! , I copy you. Ramblin' Rose Moderator Reply-To: Neurosarcoidosis To: Neurosarcoidosis Subject: Re: Re: Date: Sat, 29 Apr 2006 11:23:17 -0700 (PDT) Terri, I weigh at the peak weight for me at 194 lbs. back in Dec. 2001. This was in that time period when I found out something that was going on in my lungs. From Aug. 2001 until I was diagnois of Sarcoidosis in Jan. 2002. Anyway I had steadly and gradually lost weight from this peak weight that I ever was in my life of 194 lbs down to 172 lbs by December the following year (2001). I didn't do any exercise, running, nothing. Oh if you call walking from our 2 story apartment down to the parking lot where my car was or in the reverse way and going to and from a store from the store parking lot then I guess that's exercise. I gain a little back to about 180 lbs. I have occassionly eaten some of those donuts you mentioned. When we are over in the area where we do this paperoute in Kentwood, there is a shell gas station that sells these donuts inside there. They also have a Subway sandwich deli there too. Terri, those characters such as the one you had at the end of your e-mail are cute as ever!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! That character would be a example if I got OVERINDOLGED IN EATING THOSE CRITTER DONUTS in myself looking like that. 10-4 (y'all are too young to know about c'ber talk except for Darlene, Ron, and Rose aren't you???) mosaicgirl1 wrote: , You are so funny! I usually pick the side kicks too but Al was not one of my choices I assure you, but to each his own. I like a man with meat - I do not usually don't go for the skinny man, I like one with a little meat. What did my husband do? He went and lost 25 pounds. Do you think he is trying to send me a message? BTW, I am about 45 lbs overweight myself but I did just start weight watchers. The picture below is me eating my favorite: Krispy Creme donuts. Hee Hee. Terri G. >> > Thanks for the update on Doc tv show. I can't afford> cable & I'm too far from Louisville to pick it up on> "poor peoples" tv as we call it in my family. LOL As> far as the hunky man my idea of a hunky tv man was AL> on Tool TIme! I'm a chubby chaser & he could fix the> stuff around the house I broke. LOL> > > > grannylunatic@...> > __________________________________________________> Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted May 13, 2006 Report Share Posted May 13, 2006 Hi , I don't know if you realize this, but you don't have to wait for disability income to change your life. There are places people can go when they are in unhappy, unhealthy homes and haven't anywhere else to go nor the wherewithal to take care of themselves: homeless shelters. Usually YMCA is a good place to start for direction - even if they can't help you, they will probably know who can. And shelters usually even like it when you work (it's usually mandatory to staying there), so you won't have to give up your route. You don't pay a dime to stay there, but rather just do some chores and follow their rules, play nice, stuff like that. Usually you will have anywhere from 30 - 90 days to stay, during which time they will work with you on getting the services and counseling you need to get on with your life (they'll even help you and Kathy if you want to try to make things better between you). No matter what, you don't have to get a divorce to remove yourself from a situation that is eating you up inside. You sound like you could really use a breather. There's no shame in going to a shelter - it's there to help you weather the storm. Sick or well, stress like what you describe will kill you before any disease will. You have nothing to lose by going there for a while. I guess at some point or other everyone has had a suicidal thought. I'm glad in your case it's just a thought. But please try to understand: you can't pour out your misery and expect caring people, who are also suffering, to turn away and ignore your pain. You can't talk about having suicidal thoughts and expect people to ignore you. Your words were very upsetting to me, and I reacted to them in the best way I knew how. I've lost a handful of people in my life to suicide, and I've learned to believe the signs and not ignore them; not take them for granted. By "just putting it out there" -even if you mean to do nothing but blow off steam - you're going to evoke a reaction, . I truly am sorry if my reaction offended you; but you frightened me. I didn't mean to offend at all, and I'll do my best not to let that happen again. I guess I just don't understand why anyone would share something like that or anything else about themselves if they didn't want people to care. Reaching out is a good thing. It's kind of like being at the end of your rope and tying a knot. I totally understand that you don't need any more pressure - not from your Dad (who is wrong - this disease is most definitely not all in your head), not from anyone, including me. You most certainly don't owe me any caring or concern or a reason to press on. I would not have said anything remotely like that had I realized how my words would have been received. I shouldn't have put that kind of pressure on you, and most certainly didn't mean to. You're right, I don't know you. 'Sorry for jumping in like that. I get the message. I'll back off. Peace, Jeannie GARY WOOLARD wrote: Jeanne, Basically Jeanne your lenghtly reply is nothing new to me. I read before of replys of what you have written from Joan, Rose, that I do remember and perhaps from when she was writing into this thing here. Either you just don't understand what I had written since you've been with this group or just don't know the facts. IN DAYS, KATHY AND MYSELF WILL HAVE BEEN MARRIED FOR 29 YEARS. Reba our daughter is not a child no more for years. She turned 28 years old herself as of this past February. Yet like days like today, working on these paperoutes in Kentwood with at times the rain was raining hard with gusts of wind to about 45 m.p.h. and putting up with this Kathy and she putting up with me, no wonder I have said & thought the things in the past. IT'S LIKE GETTING THE OTHER SIDE OF THE UNIVERSE IS NOT FAR AWAY FROM KATHY. GOING BACK IN TIME SO THE SEQUENCE OF EVENTS TAKE PLACE DIFFERENTLY BEFORE GOD CREATED HIMSELF IS NOT FAR ENOUGH TO GO BACK IN TIME TO HAVE THIS DONE. THERE I SAID IT. THIS SPEAKS FOR ITSELF. It's only has been in the HUNDREDS OF TIMES that I have wished that this Sarcoidosis get REAL BAD then I could collect disability income. Then I could move out of this apartment, get my own apartment & live by myself, take care of having a divorce, move out of this state FOR GOOD, and then NEVER EVER telephone, write, e-mail the rest of my family PERIOD FOR AS LONG AS I LIVE. NO MORE CRAP, BULL BLANKETY STUFF FROM ANY OF MY FAMILY AGAIN. NO MORE HEARING FROM MY DAD THAT ALL THIS HEALTH STUFF THAT I HAVE SAID TO HIM "IS ALL IN YOUR HEAD, GARY". These suicidal thoughts were JUST THAT, THOUGHTS that I have had those 3 different time periods dating back to August, 2004. Jeannie, like I've said before in this group before you, Connie, , Terri, Janet, Ruth, and Dot the ones I can think of that joined this group; having the worst of this Sarcoidosis, cancer, or unrelated heart attack is NO BIG DEAL TO ME. Do I feel/think this way 24 hours a day 7 days a week, week after week, no I don't. In a intermitten way like symptoms of sarcoid arthristis in my left foot and lower leg today. Stays for awhile and go away for various amounts of intensity & duration. As far as getting a divorce I have NO SOURCE OF MONEY, LEGAL (savings, stocks, bonds, etc.) or ILLEGAL (selling illegal drugs). All my so call possesions is only around $200 to $400 in worth. No money for a divorce, to live on, pay my personal bills, recretation, etc. You CAN'T GIVE ME A REASON TO CONTINUE TO LIVE ANOTHER DAY AT TIMES. BUT I CAN, I CAN GIVE YOU AND EVERONE ELSE A REASON TO PRESS ON AND TO DESIRE TO LIVE. I think there is a difference. The reason I can give you that I continue to live, IS TO GIVE CONSOLING THOUGHTS, HUMOR, AND CARE ATTITUDE TO OTHERS IN THIS GROUP. If I sound like contracdictorary it is because I'am just have NO SELF WORTH at times. Enough of rambling on here today. Jeanne Betters wrote: Hi , I will definitely look that up some time this week when things here settle down. I completely understand the pain. I was in no way trying to make light of that. Please try to remember, though, that you are VERY important to Kathy and Reba. And the biggest thing you could ever do to let them down would be to end your life. Maybe your suffering is far more than anyone should bear. I haven't known anyone with NS other than this group, but I have had family, friends and contacts who have suffered with cancer and believe me, I do understand the compassion and mercy that fills one's heart when a loved one suffers. But you have to remember that when you lose all hope, you also rob those who love you of hope. If your wife or child were in that situation, OF COURSE it would be unbearable to see them suffer. But if you lived through them ending their lives, that would devastate you. I have had a number of people in my life take theirs. It not only kills the one who ends his or her life, it also kills part of the people they leave behind. I don't ever want to suffer in the way you do. It's horrifying. But please try to hold sight of the fact that your life impacts your wife, your daughter, your friends, family, confidantes, support friends - everyone. I even realize as I type this that you may think I'm minimizing your experience or in some way trying to rob you of the right to express your frustration and feelings. That is the farthest thing from the truth. You have every right to be pissed off, to stop wanting to try anymore. But giving up is a lot more than the moment that you so do. And it effects everyone. I would rather have you email me and lash out a million times than ever end your life. You are not dumb nor are you stupid. You have been pushed to the brink with your suffering. But all I can think of is the remarkable fact that you endured instead of giving up. You're still here. You and Kathy survived the hellish experience way back before NS. And I'm sure if I could sit down with her and Reba face-to-face, they would tell me of your courage and strength and I'd hear about their compassion for the suffering you endure. Kathy loves you, - she's still with you. She didn't bail. And Reba has her daddy. How many kids can say they have their Mom and Dad and that they are still together? That is no failure . I've been married 17+ years and I can tell you sometimes that is even more stressful than being sick. That is an ACCOMPLISHMENT. And I'd bet a million to one that you are not a failure in their eyes, but rather an inspiration. You are not alone if you feel guilty about the burden you put on your family because you aren't what you want to be or what anyone expected you to be. But when it comes down to brass tacks, they'd rather have you and have you imperfect than lose you and never have the opportunity to hear your voice again, to see your smile, or to listen to you lose your cool. People are not disposable. And families fall apart because we lose trust in what they are vs. what we feel they should be. Your worth is not measured by success, money or what you can or cannot do. Your worth is measured by the fact that you are here and what you bring into the lives of those who love you. Your worth is found in a smile and that sweet :As long as you do the very best you can with the resources that are bestowed upon you: as long as you can say "I love you" with your eyes; as long as you can still show compassion to someone else who needs your support, well, I think you've got an awful lot going for you."eye-sparkle" when your daughter comes home with a special card she made you. Your worth is found in the arms of your wife who still turns to you for strength a when she can't handle something big on her own. Your worth is found in the laughter shared with friends, the special gifts and your random acts of kindness to those who you love most. Your worth is found in the memories that you can record on tape for your daughter to pass on to her children. Your worth is found in your character, your desire to do good, to do the right thing as often as humanly possible. Your worth is your legacy that you leave to your family once you have been long gone. As long as you do the very best you can with the resources that are bestowed upon you: as long as you can say "I love you" with your eyes; as long as you can still show compassion to someone else who needs your support, well, I think you've got an awful lot going for you.Just because you can't do what you want in the way in which you want to do it, doesn't mean that it isn't important or that.. It's always about quality rather than quantity, too. All the other things - the stress of having no money to pay bills or put food on the table or to get that special toy your child really, really wants for Christmas... It's all important. And you'd probably fall over in shock to know just how many people are affected by this. You don't hear about it often because people are too embarrassed to expose themselves to criticism - whatever that criticism may be (screw 'em anyways), and whether it be just or unjust. But Welfare isn't something to be ashamed of, either. It's original intent was to help people survive during difficult economic situations. Granted, it's gotten out of hand a little bit, but there is absolutely no shame in accepting assistance when you need it. You are a good man, . Nobody deserves to go through what you're suffering. I wish I could take all your pain away, . I can't imagine what you've been through and what you are now suffering. Please don't ever think that I am trying to minimalize your suffering or situation. Just please remember I am always here to be your friend, to support you and to pray for you and your family. Thanks for sharing everything! A big hug to you - Jeannie Today a counselor told me that it's not the tangible things that you give to others, but rather the time you spend with them that matters. ARY WOOLARD wrote: Jeannie, I know you are new to this group. I've been with this group since Aug. 2004. I did leave twice though for awhile. Yes I have had suicidal thoughts three time periods lasting about a week to 10 days each one since this period I originally was with this group. These were "just thoughts" of just "kicking the bucket", and I didn't try to end it all in any of this time period. Only once, and you and probility all here would say once is TOO many times to actually attempt suicide. I did this one and only time in my life in the parking lot of a Meijer retail store in December 1987. I had in mind that day was go see a movie at Studio 28 Movie Theater Complex (first one with 20 movie screens) and then go to a store buy some sleepin pills and just do it. was dumb and stupid (is there a difference?) to do this. Why, why did I have in my mind to do this? It was because I was so depressed that this manufacturing company I was working at was going out of business. This was G.R. Manufacturing, Inc. but they also were more known as Kelvinator, Inc. They were an oven, range, and earlier years a mircowave, and chest style freezer appliance manufacturer. I was getting $9.99 an hour with Blue Cross/Blue Shield ins. We had the U.A.W. union there for the hourly employees. So we made appliances for companies like Sears, Wards, General Electric, Tappan, Magic Chef, Westinghouse amoung the ones I remember. Anyway I was just depressed at the time because of only having just a low paying part time job of $3.85 hour about 24 hours a week. Minimun wage at that time was $3.35. Kathy my wife was not working, she was being a stay at home housewife and Reba our daughter was 9 years old then. Kathy could have working, but she didn't have a good education and little/amost none work history. We end up going on welfare for awhile. Yes, all said and done, people would think this situation in your life made you try to do yourself end. I didn't have medical problems then. I had seasonal algeries and this Peptic Ulcer Disease going on and basically that was it in health status I had. Move rapidly up to these past few years, actually at times I've been more depressed then back in Dec. 1987. Family issues, health, and just general living stuff. But alot of folks here have had or now have these things going on. At times I said I would take on anyone's Sarcoidosis in a heartbeat if I could. Why? Because I have felt like I've been a failure as a husband to Kathy, failure as a dad to Reba, failure in having stability in employment in all those years (1979-to perhaps the present), failure in having love towards some family members (regardless of having verbal abuse from time to time from 2 if not 4 of them), failure of having friends, failure of having Faith In God now that is just about none. Now with physical pain I should have some strong pain reliever drug. People have said that you should take anit-depressive drugs for your physical pain. Whatever, but to slow down and better is to try to stop the source. What? Shrink those sarcoid lesions if all said and done they are in my legs & knees to they have LESS INFLAMMATARYNESS GOING ON THERE. Jeannie, this is long e-mail I know. But just look up MUSCLE ATROPY on your computer. This is why Sarcoidonians have progress to using a can, then walker, then wheelchair/motorize scooter. I have a gut feeling this is going now. My legs are just weak and arms too but lessor amount. Jeanne Betters wrote: Oh, ! Your email broke my heart! I know how awful the run around can be. If it weren't for these loving people in this group, I'd probably be a LOT worse off emotionally than I am. And I care what happens to you. I care about you. I need you to be here because when I fall, I want to know that the person who helps catch me is someone who really understands and who faced the demons and made it through. If you end it all, it would not only be taking away your hope, but many of ours, too. You need to find your will to fight this, . I am sure that most of you are far worse off than I am at this point in the game. I am sure that my small sufferings are no where near yours. But I am also sure that maybe you don't have the money for alcohol and sleeping pills because you are meant to be here - with us. I am so sorry that you are feeling this way. I am so sorry that you are at the edge of the wall looking down. You are very VERY important to all of us. And the "use of doing anything" is because we all have this miserable disease and maybe if you don't give up, we won't give up and someday they'll have a breakthrough that will help us and possibly save future generations - our relatives, friends, you name who - from having to go through this! Please don't let what you have said set in your mind and fester. You are so much more than that. I know we can lose sight and our doctors infuriate and even intimidate us. But we're not alone in the fight. We have each other! I don't want to lose you, and I don't want you to lose heart. I will tuck you safely in my "happy thoughts" as the politcally correct term goes. You are loved, you are significant and you are strong and you can beat the heat of the moment. One step at a time, my friend. Just one small step. I'm here to spiritually hold your hand through it, if you'll let me. Please don't think those thoughts. They can't possibly help you get to a better place emotionally OR physically! My poor friend... We ALL spiral out of control and downward once in a while. I think we have earned the right even. Well, sort of. You've got to let the hands that reach out to you hold you up through this. This too, shall pass. The sun always comes back out after the storm. Hugs, Jeannie GARY WOOLARD wrote: Rose, I don't have any "handle". Actually the only C'ber code I know is 10-4 (over & out). Rose, I'am not doing good again emotionally & mentally. Not because I was awaken at 5:00 a.m. this morning in a "lodger" building here at the Battle Creek V.A. Hospital complex. Now waiting in this bldg. #2 lobby for about an hour to go down to Ann Arbor V.A. Hospital for my eye doc appt. I "reverse" direction by comming back here, stay overnight again to tomorrow morning, and then back to G.R. Have you ever got an "run around" by some medical doctor? This "quote unquote" bastard rhemy doctor I seen just makes me to have apathy towards life about anything. I'AM SO DISCUSTED WITH THIS MORON THAT I WISH I NEVER WENT INTO THE MILITARY IN THE FIRST PLACE SO NOW IN MY LIFE I WOULDN'T HAVE TO GO THROUGH PATHIC MEDICAL CARE ATTITUDE BY A RHEMY DOC AS I HAD SEEN. Don't you think Tracie be so upset that sometime in her past sarcoid years that she had problems like in her lungs and a lung doc didn't do a damm thing? Likewise of anyone else in this group that have had medical problems and NOTHING, NOTHING was done, PERIOD!!!!!!!!!!!! Only if I had MONEY again. I could go buy alcohol & sleepin pills. SAME "OL", SAME "OL". Yeah, I had in mind to pursue medical tests, treatment, etc. just like Tracie, and yourself TOLD ME different times to do, and I HAD THIS FRAME OF MIND when I went and seen this rhemy doc. What do I get????????? Same "OL" do nothing crap from this V.A. doc. Too nice of a thing that this bastard is assinated. This pain in my knees right now while writing this is bad enough that I could be taking something stronger than that Darocvet Addictive Narcotic Painkiller I took back in 2002. Then to thing this IDIOT RHEMY DOC said I should be taking ANTI-DEPRESSIVE DRUGS!!!!!!!!!!!! I told him, part of my depression is have to PUT UP WITH THIS PAIN IN MY KNEES & LEGS DAY AFTER DAY AFTER DAY. Tracie & yourself have put this ENCOURAGEMENT in time after time for people and in myself for what????????????? TO NOT GIVE UP, PERIOD, NO MATTER WHAT LIKE I SEE MENTALLY THAT TRACIE WAS FACING BEING ON LUNG TRANSPLANT LISTING AND DIE IF SHE DIDN'T BE ABLE TO TAKE THAT REMICAID DRUG. This SENSE of determination by her and yourself finally was being instilled in my mental process likewise now only this thing with this idiot rhemy doc just stop altogether. I said in a e-mail that I'll try to resolve this. I just feel like "throw in the towel sydrome" again. What's the use of doing anything about everything? Bye now from rambling Rose wrote: Hey, , what was your handle? I wasn't real big into CB, but my husband was. We had a little Opal car & he put these giant antennae on each side of the rear end. It looked ridiculus, like a huge bug. We drove that thing from Dallas to Indianapolis, and you know we got a lot of comments! , I copy you. Ramblin' Rose Moderator Reply-To: Neurosarcoidosis To: Neurosarcoidosis Subject: Re: Re: Date: Sat, 29 Apr 2006 11:23:17 -0700 (PDT) Terri, I weigh at the peak weight for me at 194 lbs. back in Dec. 2001. This was in that time period when I found out something that was going on in my lungs. From Aug. 2001 until I was diagnois of Sarcoidosis in Jan. 2002. Anyway I had steadly and gradually lost weight from this peak weight that I ever was in my life of 194 lbs down to 172 lbs by December the following year (2001). I didn't do any exercise, running, nothing. Oh if you call walking from our 2 story apartment down to the parking lot where my car was or in the reverse way and going to and from a store from the store parking lot then I guess that's exercise. I gain a little back to about 180 lbs. I have occassionly eaten some of those donuts you mentioned. When we are over in the area where we do this paperoute in Kentwood, there is a shell gas station that sells these donuts inside there. They also have a Subway sandwich deli there too. Terri, those characters such as the one you had at the end of your e-mail are cute as ever!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! That character would be a example if I got OVERINDOLGED IN EATING THOSE CRITTER DONUTS in myself looking like that. 10-4 (y'all are too young to know about c'ber talk except for Darlene, Ron, and Rose aren't you???) mosaicgirl1 wrote: , You are so funny! I usually pick the side kicks too but Al was not one of my choices I assure you, but to each his own. I like a man with meat - I do not usually don't go for the skinny man, I like one with a little meat. What did my husband do? He went and lost 25 pounds. Do you think he is trying to send me a message? BTW, I am about 45 lbs overweight myself but I did just start weight watchers. The picture below is me eating my favorite: Krispy Creme donuts. Hee Hee. Terri G. >> > Thanks for the update on Doc tv show. I can't afford> cable & I'm too far from Louisville to pick it up on> "poor peoples" tv as we call it in my family. LOL As> far as the hunky man my idea of a hunky tv man was AL> on Tool TIme! I'm a chubby chaser & he could fix the> stuff around the house I broke. LOL> > > > grannylunatic@...> > __________________________________________________> Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted May 13, 2006 Report Share Posted May 13, 2006 Hi , I don't know if you realize this, but you don't have to wait for disability income to change your life. There are places people can go when they are in unhappy, unhealthy homes and haven't anywhere else to go nor the wherewithal to take care of themselves: homeless shelters. Usually YMCA is a good place to start for direction - even if they can't help you, they will probably know who can. And shelters usually even like it when you work (it's usually mandatory to staying there), so you won't have to give up your route. You don't pay a dime to stay there, but rather just do some chores and follow their rules, play nice, stuff like that. Usually you will have anywhere from 30 - 90 days to stay, during which time they will work with you on getting the services and counseling you need to get on with your life (they'll even help you and Kathy if you want to try to make things better between you). No matter what, you don't have to get a divorce to remove yourself from a situation that is eating you up inside. You sound like you could really use a breather. There's no shame in going to a shelter - it's there to help you weather the storm. Sick or well, stress like what you describe will kill you before any disease will. You have nothing to lose by going there for a while. I guess at some point or other everyone has had a suicidal thought. I'm glad in your case it's just a thought. But please try to understand: you can't pour out your misery and expect caring people, who are also suffering, to turn away and ignore your pain. You can't talk about having suicidal thoughts and expect people to ignore you. Your words were very upsetting to me, and I reacted to them in the best way I knew how. I've lost a handful of people in my life to suicide, and I've learned to believe the signs and not ignore them; not take them for granted. By "just putting it out there" -even if you mean to do nothing but blow off steam - you're going to evoke a reaction, . I truly am sorry if my reaction offended you; but you frightened me. I didn't mean to offend at all, and I'll do my best not to let that happen again. I guess I just don't understand why anyone would share something like that or anything else about themselves if they didn't want people to care. Reaching out is a good thing. It's kind of like being at the end of your rope and tying a knot. I totally understand that you don't need any more pressure - not from your Dad (who is wrong - this disease is most definitely not all in your head), not from anyone, including me. You most certainly don't owe me any caring or concern or a reason to press on. I would not have said anything remotely like that had I realized how my words would have been received. I shouldn't have put that kind of pressure on you, and most certainly didn't mean to. You're right, I don't know you. 'Sorry for jumping in like that. I get the message. I'll back off. Peace, Jeannie GARY WOOLARD wrote: Jeanne, Basically Jeanne your lenghtly reply is nothing new to me. I read before of replys of what you have written from Joan, Rose, that I do remember and perhaps from when she was writing into this thing here. Either you just don't understand what I had written since you've been with this group or just don't know the facts. IN DAYS, KATHY AND MYSELF WILL HAVE BEEN MARRIED FOR 29 YEARS. Reba our daughter is not a child no more for years. She turned 28 years old herself as of this past February. Yet like days like today, working on these paperoutes in Kentwood with at times the rain was raining hard with gusts of wind to about 45 m.p.h. and putting up with this Kathy and she putting up with me, no wonder I have said & thought the things in the past. IT'S LIKE GETTING THE OTHER SIDE OF THE UNIVERSE IS NOT FAR AWAY FROM KATHY. GOING BACK IN TIME SO THE SEQUENCE OF EVENTS TAKE PLACE DIFFERENTLY BEFORE GOD CREATED HIMSELF IS NOT FAR ENOUGH TO GO BACK IN TIME TO HAVE THIS DONE. THERE I SAID IT. THIS SPEAKS FOR ITSELF. It's only has been in the HUNDREDS OF TIMES that I have wished that this Sarcoidosis get REAL BAD then I could collect disability income. Then I could move out of this apartment, get my own apartment & live by myself, take care of having a divorce, move out of this state FOR GOOD, and then NEVER EVER telephone, write, e-mail the rest of my family PERIOD FOR AS LONG AS I LIVE. NO MORE CRAP, BULL BLANKETY STUFF FROM ANY OF MY FAMILY AGAIN. NO MORE HEARING FROM MY DAD THAT ALL THIS HEALTH STUFF THAT I HAVE SAID TO HIM "IS ALL IN YOUR HEAD, GARY". These suicidal thoughts were JUST THAT, THOUGHTS that I have had those 3 different time periods dating back to August, 2004. Jeannie, like I've said before in this group before you, Connie, , Terri, Janet, Ruth, and Dot the ones I can think of that joined this group; having the worst of this Sarcoidosis, cancer, or unrelated heart attack is NO BIG DEAL TO ME. Do I feel/think this way 24 hours a day 7 days a week, week after week, no I don't. In a intermitten way like symptoms of sarcoid arthristis in my left foot and lower leg today. Stays for awhile and go away for various amounts of intensity & duration. As far as getting a divorce I have NO SOURCE OF MONEY, LEGAL (savings, stocks, bonds, etc.) or ILLEGAL (selling illegal drugs). All my so call possesions is only around $200 to $400 in worth. No money for a divorce, to live on, pay my personal bills, recretation, etc. You CAN'T GIVE ME A REASON TO CONTINUE TO LIVE ANOTHER DAY AT TIMES. BUT I CAN, I CAN GIVE YOU AND EVERONE ELSE A REASON TO PRESS ON AND TO DESIRE TO LIVE. I think there is a difference. The reason I can give you that I continue to live, IS TO GIVE CONSOLING THOUGHTS, HUMOR, AND CARE ATTITUDE TO OTHERS IN THIS GROUP. If I sound like contracdictorary it is because I'am just have NO SELF WORTH at times. Enough of rambling on here today. Jeanne Betters wrote: Hi , I will definitely look that up some time this week when things here settle down. I completely understand the pain. I was in no way trying to make light of that. Please try to remember, though, that you are VERY important to Kathy and Reba. And the biggest thing you could ever do to let them down would be to end your life. Maybe your suffering is far more than anyone should bear. I haven't known anyone with NS other than this group, but I have had family, friends and contacts who have suffered with cancer and believe me, I do understand the compassion and mercy that fills one's heart when a loved one suffers. But you have to remember that when you lose all hope, you also rob those who love you of hope. If your wife or child were in that situation, OF COURSE it would be unbearable to see them suffer. But if you lived through them ending their lives, that would devastate you. I have had a number of people in my life take theirs. It not only kills the one who ends his or her life, it also kills part of the people they leave behind. I don't ever want to suffer in the way you do. It's horrifying. But please try to hold sight of the fact that your life impacts your wife, your daughter, your friends, family, confidantes, support friends - everyone. I even realize as I type this that you may think I'm minimizing your experience or in some way trying to rob you of the right to express your frustration and feelings. That is the farthest thing from the truth. You have every right to be pissed off, to stop wanting to try anymore. But giving up is a lot more than the moment that you so do. And it effects everyone. I would rather have you email me and lash out a million times than ever end your life. You are not dumb nor are you stupid. You have been pushed to the brink with your suffering. But all I can think of is the remarkable fact that you endured instead of giving up. You're still here. You and Kathy survived the hellish experience way back before NS. And I'm sure if I could sit down with her and Reba face-to-face, they would tell me of your courage and strength and I'd hear about their compassion for the suffering you endure. Kathy loves you, - she's still with you. She didn't bail. And Reba has her daddy. How many kids can say they have their Mom and Dad and that they are still together? That is no failure . I've been married 17+ years and I can tell you sometimes that is even more stressful than being sick. That is an ACCOMPLISHMENT. And I'd bet a million to one that you are not a failure in their eyes, but rather an inspiration. You are not alone if you feel guilty about the burden you put on your family because you aren't what you want to be or what anyone expected you to be. But when it comes down to brass tacks, they'd rather have you and have you imperfect than lose you and never have the opportunity to hear your voice again, to see your smile, or to listen to you lose your cool. People are not disposable. And families fall apart because we lose trust in what they are vs. what we feel they should be. Your worth is not measured by success, money or what you can or cannot do. Your worth is measured by the fact that you are here and what you bring into the lives of those who love you. Your worth is found in a smile and that sweet :As long as you do the very best you can with the resources that are bestowed upon you: as long as you can say "I love you" with your eyes; as long as you can still show compassion to someone else who needs your support, well, I think you've got an awful lot going for you."eye-sparkle" when your daughter comes home with a special card she made you. Your worth is found in the arms of your wife who still turns to you for strength a when she can't handle something big on her own. Your worth is found in the laughter shared with friends, the special gifts and your random acts of kindness to those who you love most. Your worth is found in the memories that you can record on tape for your daughter to pass on to her children. Your worth is found in your character, your desire to do good, to do the right thing as often as humanly possible. Your worth is your legacy that you leave to your family once you have been long gone. As long as you do the very best you can with the resources that are bestowed upon you: as long as you can say "I love you" with your eyes; as long as you can still show compassion to someone else who needs your support, well, I think you've got an awful lot going for you.Just because you can't do what you want in the way in which you want to do it, doesn't mean that it isn't important or that.. It's always about quality rather than quantity, too. All the other things - the stress of having no money to pay bills or put food on the table or to get that special toy your child really, really wants for Christmas... It's all important. And you'd probably fall over in shock to know just how many people are affected by this. You don't hear about it often because people are too embarrassed to expose themselves to criticism - whatever that criticism may be (screw 'em anyways), and whether it be just or unjust. But Welfare isn't something to be ashamed of, either. It's original intent was to help people survive during difficult economic situations. Granted, it's gotten out of hand a little bit, but there is absolutely no shame in accepting assistance when you need it. You are a good man, . Nobody deserves to go through what you're suffering. I wish I could take all your pain away, . I can't imagine what you've been through and what you are now suffering. Please don't ever think that I am trying to minimalize your suffering or situation. Just please remember I am always here to be your friend, to support you and to pray for you and your family. Thanks for sharing everything! A big hug to you - Jeannie Today a counselor told me that it's not the tangible things that you give to others, but rather the time you spend with them that matters. ARY WOOLARD wrote: Jeannie, I know you are new to this group. I've been with this group since Aug. 2004. I did leave twice though for awhile. Yes I have had suicidal thoughts three time periods lasting about a week to 10 days each one since this period I originally was with this group. These were "just thoughts" of just "kicking the bucket", and I didn't try to end it all in any of this time period. Only once, and you and probility all here would say once is TOO many times to actually attempt suicide. I did this one and only time in my life in the parking lot of a Meijer retail store in December 1987. I had in mind that day was go see a movie at Studio 28 Movie Theater Complex (first one with 20 movie screens) and then go to a store buy some sleepin pills and just do it. was dumb and stupid (is there a difference?) to do this. Why, why did I have in my mind to do this? It was because I was so depressed that this manufacturing company I was working at was going out of business. This was G.R. Manufacturing, Inc. but they also were more known as Kelvinator, Inc. They were an oven, range, and earlier years a mircowave, and chest style freezer appliance manufacturer. I was getting $9.99 an hour with Blue Cross/Blue Shield ins. We had the U.A.W. union there for the hourly employees. So we made appliances for companies like Sears, Wards, General Electric, Tappan, Magic Chef, Westinghouse amoung the ones I remember. Anyway I was just depressed at the time because of only having just a low paying part time job of $3.85 hour about 24 hours a week. Minimun wage at that time was $3.35. Kathy my wife was not working, she was being a stay at home housewife and Reba our daughter was 9 years old then. Kathy could have working, but she didn't have a good education and little/amost none work history. We end up going on welfare for awhile. Yes, all said and done, people would think this situation in your life made you try to do yourself end. I didn't have medical problems then. I had seasonal algeries and this Peptic Ulcer Disease going on and basically that was it in health status I had. Move rapidly up to these past few years, actually at times I've been more depressed then back in Dec. 1987. Family issues, health, and just general living stuff. But alot of folks here have had or now have these things going on. At times I said I would take on anyone's Sarcoidosis in a heartbeat if I could. Why? Because I have felt like I've been a failure as a husband to Kathy, failure as a dad to Reba, failure in having stability in employment in all those years (1979-to perhaps the present), failure in having love towards some family members (regardless of having verbal abuse from time to time from 2 if not 4 of them), failure of having friends, failure of having Faith In God now that is just about none. Now with physical pain I should have some strong pain reliever drug. People have said that you should take anit-depressive drugs for your physical pain. Whatever, but to slow down and better is to try to stop the source. What? Shrink those sarcoid lesions if all said and done they are in my legs & knees to they have LESS INFLAMMATARYNESS GOING ON THERE. Jeannie, this is long e-mail I know. But just look up MUSCLE ATROPY on your computer. This is why Sarcoidonians have progress to using a can, then walker, then wheelchair/motorize scooter. I have a gut feeling this is going now. My legs are just weak and arms too but lessor amount. Jeanne Betters wrote: Oh, ! Your email broke my heart! I know how awful the run around can be. If it weren't for these loving people in this group, I'd probably be a LOT worse off emotionally than I am. And I care what happens to you. I care about you. I need you to be here because when I fall, I want to know that the person who helps catch me is someone who really understands and who faced the demons and made it through. If you end it all, it would not only be taking away your hope, but many of ours, too. You need to find your will to fight this, . I am sure that most of you are far worse off than I am at this point in the game. I am sure that my small sufferings are no where near yours. But I am also sure that maybe you don't have the money for alcohol and sleeping pills because you are meant to be here - with us. I am so sorry that you are feeling this way. I am so sorry that you are at the edge of the wall looking down. You are very VERY important to all of us. And the "use of doing anything" is because we all have this miserable disease and maybe if you don't give up, we won't give up and someday they'll have a breakthrough that will help us and possibly save future generations - our relatives, friends, you name who - from having to go through this! Please don't let what you have said set in your mind and fester. You are so much more than that. I know we can lose sight and our doctors infuriate and even intimidate us. But we're not alone in the fight. We have each other! I don't want to lose you, and I don't want you to lose heart. I will tuck you safely in my "happy thoughts" as the politcally correct term goes. You are loved, you are significant and you are strong and you can beat the heat of the moment. One step at a time, my friend. Just one small step. I'm here to spiritually hold your hand through it, if you'll let me. Please don't think those thoughts. They can't possibly help you get to a better place emotionally OR physically! My poor friend... We ALL spiral out of control and downward once in a while. I think we have earned the right even. Well, sort of. You've got to let the hands that reach out to you hold you up through this. This too, shall pass. The sun always comes back out after the storm. Hugs, Jeannie GARY WOOLARD wrote: Rose, I don't have any "handle". Actually the only C'ber code I know is 10-4 (over & out). Rose, I'am not doing good again emotionally & mentally. Not because I was awaken at 5:00 a.m. this morning in a "lodger" building here at the Battle Creek V.A. Hospital complex. Now waiting in this bldg. #2 lobby for about an hour to go down to Ann Arbor V.A. Hospital for my eye doc appt. I "reverse" direction by comming back here, stay overnight again to tomorrow morning, and then back to G.R. Have you ever got an "run around" by some medical doctor? This "quote unquote" bastard rhemy doctor I seen just makes me to have apathy towards life about anything. I'AM SO DISCUSTED WITH THIS MORON THAT I WISH I NEVER WENT INTO THE MILITARY IN THE FIRST PLACE SO NOW IN MY LIFE I WOULDN'T HAVE TO GO THROUGH PATHIC MEDICAL CARE ATTITUDE BY A RHEMY DOC AS I HAD SEEN. Don't you think Tracie be so upset that sometime in her past sarcoid years that she had problems like in her lungs and a lung doc didn't do a damm thing? Likewise of anyone else in this group that have had medical problems and NOTHING, NOTHING was done, PERIOD!!!!!!!!!!!! Only if I had MONEY again. I could go buy alcohol & sleepin pills. SAME "OL", SAME "OL". Yeah, I had in mind to pursue medical tests, treatment, etc. just like Tracie, and yourself TOLD ME different times to do, and I HAD THIS FRAME OF MIND when I went and seen this rhemy doc. What do I get????????? Same "OL" do nothing crap from this V.A. doc. Too nice of a thing that this bastard is assinated. This pain in my knees right now while writing this is bad enough that I could be taking something stronger than that Darocvet Addictive Narcotic Painkiller I took back in 2002. Then to thing this IDIOT RHEMY DOC said I should be taking ANTI-DEPRESSIVE DRUGS!!!!!!!!!!!! I told him, part of my depression is have to PUT UP WITH THIS PAIN IN MY KNEES & LEGS DAY AFTER DAY AFTER DAY. Tracie & yourself have put this ENCOURAGEMENT in time after time for people and in myself for what????????????? TO NOT GIVE UP, PERIOD, NO MATTER WHAT LIKE I SEE MENTALLY THAT TRACIE WAS FACING BEING ON LUNG TRANSPLANT LISTING AND DIE IF SHE DIDN'T BE ABLE TO TAKE THAT REMICAID DRUG. This SENSE of determination by her and yourself finally was being instilled in my mental process likewise now only this thing with this idiot rhemy doc just stop altogether. I said in a e-mail that I'll try to resolve this. I just feel like "throw in the towel sydrome" again. What's the use of doing anything about everything? Bye now from rambling Rose wrote: Hey, , what was your handle? I wasn't real big into CB, but my husband was. We had a little Opal car & he put these giant antennae on each side of the rear end. It looked ridiculus, like a huge bug. We drove that thing from Dallas to Indianapolis, and you know we got a lot of comments! , I copy you. Ramblin' Rose Moderator Reply-To: Neurosarcoidosis To: Neurosarcoidosis Subject: Re: Re: Date: Sat, 29 Apr 2006 11:23:17 -0700 (PDT) Terri, I weigh at the peak weight for me at 194 lbs. back in Dec. 2001. This was in that time period when I found out something that was going on in my lungs. From Aug. 2001 until I was diagnois of Sarcoidosis in Jan. 2002. Anyway I had steadly and gradually lost weight from this peak weight that I ever was in my life of 194 lbs down to 172 lbs by December the following year (2001). I didn't do any exercise, running, nothing. Oh if you call walking from our 2 story apartment down to the parking lot where my car was or in the reverse way and going to and from a store from the store parking lot then I guess that's exercise. I gain a little back to about 180 lbs. I have occassionly eaten some of those donuts you mentioned. When we are over in the area where we do this paperoute in Kentwood, there is a shell gas station that sells these donuts inside there. They also have a Subway sandwich deli there too. Terri, those characters such as the one you had at the end of your e-mail are cute as ever!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! That character would be a example if I got OVERINDOLGED IN EATING THOSE CRITTER DONUTS in myself looking like that. 10-4 (y'all are too young to know about c'ber talk except for Darlene, Ron, and Rose aren't you???) mosaicgirl1 wrote: , You are so funny! I usually pick the side kicks too but Al was not one of my choices I assure you, but to each his own. I like a man with meat - I do not usually don't go for the skinny man, I like one with a little meat. What did my husband do? He went and lost 25 pounds. Do you think he is trying to send me a message? BTW, I am about 45 lbs overweight myself but I did just start weight watchers. The picture below is me eating my favorite: Krispy Creme donuts. Hee Hee. Terri G. >> > Thanks for the update on Doc tv show. I can't afford> cable & I'm too far from Louisville to pick it up on> "poor peoples" tv as we call it in my family. LOL As> far as the hunky man my idea of a hunky tv man was AL> on Tool TIme! I'm a chubby chaser & he could fix the> stuff around the house I broke. LOL> > > > grannylunatic@...> > __________________________________________________> Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted May 13, 2006 Report Share Posted May 13, 2006 Jeanne, This last response that you written about going to shelters is something I knew about years ago. Mel Trotter Mission and Lighthouse Mission imediatelly south of downtown Grand Rapids are two missions in this area that I'am aware of. I knew this fact for years. No I'am not going to any mission just to get away from Kathy. That doesn't make NO SENSE AT ALL. Why should I TRY TO SLEEP in a place with 40, 60 men or whatever amount that alot of them SNORE, and alot of them are alcohoics & drug addicts? When I have to put up with JUST ONE PERSON THAT SNORES, NAMELY KATHY. In these type of places, a person goes to the restroom and then comes back to your bed/cot and you find your possesions stolen. Jeanne, Jeanne, Jeanne, I think you mean well in writing all about this, but you were just rehashing this line of thinking that others wrote about going back these about 20 months now that I've associated with this group. I'am not upset with you. But you wrote about this and this is nothing new to me. This suicidal thoughts that I HAVE HAD, were just that, thoughts. I don't have that now. But it was about 3 different times now in this 20 month period. I think you misunderstood me to think I have this on going now or have been constandly for months or even years. At times I've said I take on anyone's sarcoid or all on upon myself. Yes at times I said this was because of being depressed. But this last year if I said this was because of my way of showing LOVE to another person or persons collectively. JUST LIKE MARY S. WHEN SHE HAS "HUGS" PRINTED AT THE END OF HER E-MAIL, THIS IS HER WAY OF SHOWING THIS TOWARDS OTHERS. Bye, Jeanne Betters wrote: Hi , I don't know if you realize this, but you don't have to wait for disability income to change your life. There are places people can go when they are in unhappy, unhealthy homes and haven't anywhere else to go nor the wherewithal to take care of themselves: homeless shelters. Usually YMCA is a good place to start for direction - even if they can't help you, they will probably know who can. And shelters usually even like it when you work (it's usually mandatory to staying there), so you won't have to give up your route. You don't pay a dime to stay there, but rather just do some chores and follow their rules, play nice, stuff like that. Usually you will have anywhere from 30 - 90 days to stay, during which time they will work with you on getting the services and counseling you need to get on with your life (they'll even help you and Kathy if you want to try to make things better between you). No matter what, you don't have to get a divorce to remove yourself from a situation that is eating you up inside. You sound like you could really use a breather. There's no shame in going to a shelter - it's there to help you weather the storm. Sick or well, stress like what you describe will kill you before any disease will. You have nothing to lose by going there for a while. I guess at some point or other everyone has had a suicidal thought. I'm glad in your case it's just a thought. But please try to understand: you can't pour out your misery and expect caring people, who are also suffering, to turn away and ignore your pain. You can't talk about having suicidal thoughts and expect people to ignore you. Your words were very upsetting to me, and I reacted to them in the best way I knew how. I've lost a handful of people in my life to suicide, and I've learned to believe the signs and not ignore them; not take them for granted. By "just putting it out there" -even if you mean to do nothing but blow off steam - you're going to evoke a reaction, . I truly am sorry if my reaction offended you; but you frightened me. I didn't mean to offend at all, and I'll do my best not to let that happen again. I guess I just don't understand why anyone would share something like that or anything else about themselves if they didn't want people to care. Reaching out is a good thing. It's kind of like being at the end of your rope and tying a knot. I totally understand that you don't need any more pressure - not from your Dad (who is wrong - this disease is most definitely not all in your head), not from anyone, including me. You most certainly don't owe me any caring or concern or a reason to press on. I would not have said anything remotely like that had I realized how my words would have been received. I shouldn't have put that kind of pressure on you, and most certainly didn't mean to. You're right, I don't know you. 'Sorry for jumping in like that. I get the message. I'll back off. Peace, Jeannie GARY WOOLARD wrote: Jeanne, Basically Jeanne your lenghtly reply is nothing new to me. I read before of replys of what you have written from Joan, Rose, that I do remember and perhaps from when she was writing into this thing here. Either you just don't understand what I had written since you've been with this group or just don't know the facts. IN DAYS, KATHY AND MYSELF WILL HAVE BEEN MARRIED FOR 29 YEARS. Reba our daughter is not a child no more for years. She turned 28 years old herself as of this past February. Yet like days like today, working on these paperoutes in Kentwood with at times the rain was raining hard with gusts of wind to about 45 m.p.h. and putting up with this Kathy and she putting up with me, no wonder I have said & thought the things in the past. IT'S LIKE GETTING THE OTHER SIDE OF THE UNIVERSE IS NOT FAR AWAY FROM KATHY. GOING BACK IN TIME SO THE SEQUENCE OF EVENTS TAKE PLACE DIFFERENTLY BEFORE GOD CREATED HIMSELF IS NOT FAR ENOUGH TO GO BACK IN TIME TO HAVE THIS DONE. THERE I SAID IT. THIS SPEAKS FOR ITSELF. It's only has been in the HUNDREDS OF TIMES that I have wished that this Sarcoidosis get REAL BAD then I could collect disability income. Then I could move out of this apartment, get my own apartment & live by myself, take care of having a divorce, move out of this state FOR GOOD, and then NEVER EVER telephone, write, e-mail the rest of my family PERIOD FOR AS LONG AS I LIVE. NO MORE CRAP, BULL BLANKETY STUFF FROM ANY OF MY FAMILY AGAIN. NO MORE HEARING FROM MY DAD THAT ALL THIS HEALTH STUFF THAT I HAVE SAID TO HIM "IS ALL IN YOUR HEAD, GARY". These suicidal thoughts were JUST THAT, THOUGHTS that I have had those 3 different time periods dating back to August, 2004. Jeannie, like I've said before in this group before you, Connie, , Terri, Janet, Ruth, and Dot the ones I can think of that joined this group; having the worst of this Sarcoidosis, cancer, or unrelated heart attack is NO BIG DEAL TO ME. Do I feel/think this way 24 hours a day 7 days a week, week after week, no I don't. In a intermitten way like symptoms of sarcoid arthristis in my left foot and lower leg today. Stays for awhile and go away for various amounts of intensity & duration. As far as getting a divorce I have NO SOURCE OF MONEY, LEGAL (savings, stocks, bonds, etc.) or ILLEGAL (selling illegal drugs). All my so call possesions is only around $200 to $400 in worth. No money for a divorce, to live on, pay my personal bills, recretation, etc. You CAN'T GIVE ME A REASON TO CONTINUE TO LIVE ANOTHER DAY AT TIMES. BUT I CAN, I CAN GIVE YOU AND EVERONE ELSE A REASON TO PRESS ON AND TO DESIRE TO LIVE. I think there is a difference. The reason I can give you that I continue to live, IS TO GIVE CONSOLING THOUGHTS, HUMOR, AND CARE ATTITUDE TO OTHERS IN THIS GROUP. If I sound like contracdictorary it is because I'am just have NO SELF WORTH at times. Enough of rambling on here today. Jeanne Betters wrote: Hi , I will definitely look that up some time this week when things here settle down. I completely understand the pain. I was in no way trying to make light of that. Please try to remember, though, that you are VERY important to Kathy and Reba. And the biggest thing you could ever do to let them down would be to end your life. Maybe your suffering is far more than anyone should bear. I haven't known anyone with NS other than this group, but I have had family, friends and contacts who have suffered with cancer and believe me, I do understand the compassion and mercy that fills one's heart when a loved one suffers. But you have to remember that when you lose all hope, you also rob those who love you of hope. If your wife or child were in that situation, OF COURSE it would be unbearable to see them suffer. But if you lived through them ending their lives, that would devastate you. I have had a number of people in my life take theirs. It not only kills the one who ends his or her life, it also kills part of the people they leave behind. I don't ever want to suffer in the way you do. It's horrifying. But please try to hold sight of the fact that your life impacts your wife, your daughter, your friends, family, confidantes, support friends - everyone. I even realize as I type this that you may think I'm minimizing your experience or in some way trying to rob you of the right to express your frustration and feelings. That is the farthest thing from the truth. You have every right to be pissed off, to stop wanting to try anymore. But giving up is a lot more than the moment that you so do. And it effects everyone. I would rather have you email me and lash out a million times than ever end your life. You are not dumb nor are you stupid. You have been pushed to the brink with your suffering. But all I can think of is the remarkable fact that you endured instead of giving up. You're still here. You and Kathy survived the hellish experience way back before NS. And I'm sure if I could sit down with her and Reba face-to-face, they would tell me of your courage and strength and I'd hear about their compassion for the suffering you endure. Kathy loves you, - she's still with you. She didn't bail. And Reba has her daddy. How many kids can say they have their Mom and Dad and that they are still together? That is no failure . I've been married 17+ years and I can tell you sometimes that is even more stressful than being sick. That is an ACCOMPLISHMENT. And I'd bet a million to one that you are not a failure in their eyes, but rather an inspiration. You are not alone if you feel guilty about the burden you put on your family because you aren't what you want to be or what anyone expected you to be. But when it comes down to brass tacks, they'd rather have you and have you imperfect than lose you and never have the opportunity to hear your voice again, to see your smile, or to listen to you lose your cool. People are not disposable. And families fall apart because we lose trust in what they are vs. what we feel they should be. Your worth is not measured by success, money or what you can or cannot do. Your worth is measured by the fact that you are here and what you bring into the lives of those who love you. Your worth is found in a smile and that sweet :As long as you do the very best you can with the resources that are bestowed upon you: as long as you can say "I love you" with your eyes; as long as you can still show compassion to someone else who needs your support, well, I think you've got an awful lot going for you."eye-sparkle" when your daughter comes home with a special card she made you. Your worth is found in the arms of your wife who still turns to you for strength a when she can't handle something big on her own. Your worth is found in the laughter shared with friends, the special gifts and your random acts of kindness to those who you love most. Your worth is found in the memories that you can record on tape for your daughter to pass on to her children. Your worth is found in your character, your desire to do good, to do the right thing as often as humanly possible. Your worth is your legacy that you leave to your family once you have been long gone. As long as you do the very best you can with the resources that are bestowed upon you: as long as you can say "I love you" with your eyes; as long as you can still show compassion to someone else who needs your support, well, I think you've got an awful lot going for you.Just because you can't do what you want in the way in which you want to do it, doesn't mean that it isn't important or that.. It's always about quality rather than quantity, too. All the other things - the stress of having no money to pay bills or put food on the table or to get that special toy your child really, really wants for Christmas... It's all important. And you'd probably fall over in shock to know just how many people are affected by this. You don't hear about it often because people are too embarrassed to expose themselves to criticism - whatever that criticism may be (screw 'em anyways), and whether it be just or unjust. But Welfare isn't something to be ashamed of, either. It's original intent was to help people survive during difficult economic situations. Granted, it's gotten out of hand a little bit, but there is absolutely no shame in accepting assistance when you need it. You are a good man, . Nobody deserves to go through what you're suffering. I wish I could take all your pain away, . I can't imagine what you've been through and what you are now suffering. Please don't ever think that I am trying to minimalize your suffering or situation. Just please remember I am always here to be your friend, to support you and to pray for you and your family. Thanks for sharing everything! A big hug to you - Jeannie Today a counselor told me that it's not the tangible things that you give to others, but rather the time you spend with them that matters. ARY WOOLARD wrote: Jeannie, I know you are new to this group. I've been with this group since Aug. 2004. I did leave twice though for awhile. Yes I have had suicidal thoughts three time periods lasting about a week to 10 days each one since this period I originally was with this group. These were "just thoughts" of just "kicking the bucket", and I didn't try to end it all in any of this time period. Only once, and you and probility all here would say once is TOO many times to actually attempt suicide. I did this one and only time in my life in the parking lot of a Meijer retail store in December 1987. I had in mind that day was go see a movie at Studio 28 Movie Theater Complex (first one with 20 movie screens) and then go to a store buy some sleepin pills and just do it. was dumb and stupid (is there a difference?) to do this. Why, why did I have in my mind to do this? It was because I was so depressed that this manufacturing company I was working at was going out of business. This was G.R. Manufacturing, Inc. but they also were more known as Kelvinator, Inc. They were an oven, range, and earlier years a mircowave, and chest style freezer appliance manufacturer. I was getting $9.99 an hour with Blue Cross/Blue Shield ins. We had the U.A.W. union there for the hourly employees. So we made appliances for companies like Sears, Wards, General Electric, Tappan, Magic Chef, Westinghouse amoung the ones I remember. Anyway I was just depressed at the time because of only having just a low paying part time job of $3.85 hour about 24 hours a week. Minimun wage at that time was $3.35. Kathy my wife was not working, she was being a stay at home housewife and Reba our daughter was 9 years old then. Kathy could have working, but she didn't have a good education and little/amost none work history. We end up going on welfare for awhile. Yes, all said and done, people would think this situation in your life made you try to do yourself end. I didn't have medical problems then. I had seasonal algeries and this Peptic Ulcer Disease going on and basically that was it in health status I had. Move rapidly up to these past few years, actually at times I've been more depressed then back in Dec. 1987. Family issues, health, and just general living stuff. But alot of folks here have had or now have these things going on. At times I said I would take on anyone's Sarcoidosis in a heartbeat if I could. Why? Because I have felt like I've been a failure as a husband to Kathy, failure as a dad to Reba, failure in having stability in employment in all those years (1979-to perhaps the present), failure in having love towards some family members (regardless of having verbal abuse from time to time from 2 if not 4 of them), failure of having friends, failure of having Faith In God now that is just about none. Now with physical pain I should have some strong pain reliever drug. People have said that you should take anit-depressive drugs for your physical pain. Whatever, but to slow down and better is to try to stop the source. What? Shrink those sarcoid lesions if all said and done they are in my legs & knees to they have LESS INFLAMMATARYNESS GOING ON THERE. Jeannie, this is long e-mail I know. But just look up MUSCLE ATROPY on your computer. This is why Sarcoidonians have progress to using a can, then walker, then wheelchair/motorize scooter. I have a gut feeling this is going now. My legs are just weak and arms too but lessor amount. Jeanne Betters wrote: Oh, ! Your email broke my heart! I know how awful the run around can be. If it weren't for these loving people in this group, I'd probably be a LOT worse off emotionally than I am. And I care what happens to you. I care about you. I need you to be here because when I fall, I want to know that the person who helps catch me is someone who really understands and who faced the demons and made it through. If you end it all, it would not only be taking away your hope, but many of ours, too. You need to find your will to fight this, . I am sure that most of you are far worse off than I am at this point in the game. I am sure that my small sufferings are no where near yours. But I am also sure that maybe you don't have the money for alcohol and sleeping pills because you are meant to be here - with us. I am so sorry that you are feeling this way. I am so sorry that you are at the edge of the wall looking down. You are very VERY important to all of us. And the "use of doing anything" is because we all have this miserable disease and maybe if you don't give up, we won't give up and someday they'll have a breakthrough that will help us and possibly save future generations - our relatives, friends, you name who - from having to go through this! Please don't let what you have said set in your mind and fester. You are so much more than that. I know we can lose sight and our doctors infuriate and even intimidate us. But we're not alone in the fight. We have each other! I don't want to lose you, and I don't want you to lose heart. I will tuck you safely in my "happy thoughts" as the politcally correct term goes. You are loved, you are significant and you are strong and you can beat the heat of the moment. One step at a time, my friend. Just one small step. I'm here to spiritually hold your hand through it, if you'll let me. Please don't think those thoughts. They can't possibly help you get to a better place emotionally OR physically! My poor friend... We ALL spiral out of control and downward once in a while. I think we have earned the right even. Well, sort of. You've got to let the hands that reach out to you hold you up through this. This too, shall pass. The sun always comes back out after the storm. Hugs, Jeannie GARY WOOLARD wrote: Rose, I don't have any "handle". Actually the only C'ber code I know is 10-4 (over & out). Rose, I'am not doing good again emotionally & mentally. Not because I was awaken at 5:00 a.m. this morning in a "lodger" building here at the Battle Creek V.A. Hospital complex. Now waiting in this bldg. #2 lobby for about an hour to go down to Ann Arbor V.A. Hospital for my eye doc appt. I "reverse" direction by comming back here, stay overnight again to tomorrow morning, and then back to G.R. Have you ever got an "run around" by some medical doctor? This "quote unquote" bastard rhemy doctor I seen just makes me to have apathy towards life about anything. I'AM SO DISCUSTED WITH THIS MORON THAT I WISH I NEVER WENT INTO THE MILITARY IN THE FIRST PLACE SO NOW IN MY LIFE I WOULDN'T HAVE TO GO THROUGH PATHIC MEDICAL CARE ATTITUDE BY A RHEMY DOC AS I HAD SEEN. Don't you think Tracie be so upset that sometime in her past sarcoid years that she had problems like in her lungs and a lung doc didn't do a damm thing? Likewise of anyone else in this group that have had medical problems and NOTHING, NOTHING was done, PERIOD!!!!!!!!!!!! Only if I had MONEY again. I could go buy alcohol & sleepin pills. SAME "OL", SAME "OL". Yeah, I had in mind to pursue medical tests, treatment, etc. just like Tracie, and yourself TOLD ME different times to do, and I HAD THIS FRAME OF MIND when I went and seen this rhemy doc. What do I get????????? Same "OL" do nothing crap from this V.A. doc. Too nice of a thing that this bastard is assinated. This pain in my knees right now while writing this is bad enough that I could be taking something stronger than that Darocvet Addictive Narcotic Painkiller I took back in 2002. Then to thing this IDIOT RHEMY DOC said I should be taking ANTI-DEPRESSIVE DRUGS!!!!!!!!!!!! I told him, part of my depression is have to PUT UP WITH THIS PAIN IN MY KNEES & LEGS DAY AFTER DAY AFTER DAY. Tracie & yourself have put this ENCOURAGEMENT in time after time for people and in myself for what????????????? TO NOT GIVE UP, PERIOD, NO MATTER WHAT LIKE I SEE MENTALLY THAT TRACIE WAS FACING BEING ON LUNG TRANSPLANT LISTING AND DIE IF SHE DIDN'T BE ABLE TO TAKE THAT REMICAID DRUG. This SENSE of determination by her and yourself finally was being instilled in my mental process likewise now only this thing with this idiot rhemy doc just stop altogether. I said in a e-mail that I'll try to resolve this. I just feel like "throw in the towel sydrome" again. What's the use of doing anything about everything? Bye now from rambling Rose wrote: Hey, , what was your handle? I wasn't real big into CB, but my husband was. We had a little Opal car & he put these giant antennae on each side of the rear end. It looked ridiculus, like a huge bug. We drove that thing from Dallas to Indianapolis, and you know we got a lot of comments! , I copy you. Ramblin' Rose Moderator Reply-To: Neurosarcoidosis To: Neurosarcoidosis Subject: Re: Re: Date: Sat, 29 Apr 2006 11:23:17 -0700 (PDT) Terri, I weigh at the peak weight for me at 194 lbs. back in Dec. 2001. This was in that time period when I found out something that was going on in my lungs. From Aug. 2001 until I was diagnois of Sarcoidosis in Jan. 2002. Anyway I had steadly and gradually lost weight from this peak weight that I ever was in my life of 194 lbs down to 172 lbs by December the following year (2001). I didn't do any exercise, running, nothing. Oh if you call walking from our 2 story apartment down to the parking lot where my car was or in the reverse way and going to and from a store from the store parking lot then I guess that's exercise. I gain a little back to about 180 lbs. I have occassionly eaten some of those donuts you mentioned. When we are over in the area where we do this paperoute in Kentwood, there is a shell gas station that sells these donuts inside there. They also have a Subway sandwich deli there too. Terri, those characters such as the one you had at the end of your e-mail are cute as ever!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! That character would be a example if I got OVERINDOLGED IN EATING THOSE CRITTER DONUTS in myself looking like that. 10-4 (y'all are too young to know about c'ber talk except for Darlene, Ron, and Rose aren't you???) mosaicgirl1 wrote: , You are so funny! I usually pick the side kicks too but Al was not one of my choices I assure you, but to each his own. I like a man with meat - I do not usually don't go for the skinny man, I like one with a little meat. What did my husband do? He went and lost 25 pounds. Do you think he is trying to send me a message? BTW, I am about 45 lbs overweight myself but I did just start weight watchers. The picture below is me eating my favorite: Krispy Creme donuts. Hee Hee. Terri G. >> > Thanks for the update on Doc tv show. I can't afford> cable & I'm too far from Louisville to pick it up on> "poor peoples" tv as we call it in my family. LOL As> far as the hunky man my idea of a hunky tv man was AL> on Tool TIme! I'm a chubby chaser & he could fix the> stuff around the house I broke. LOL> > > > grannylunatic@...> > __________________________________________________> Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted May 13, 2006 Report Share Posted May 13, 2006 Jeanne, This last response that you written about going to shelters is something I knew about years ago. Mel Trotter Mission and Lighthouse Mission imediatelly south of downtown Grand Rapids are two missions in this area that I'am aware of. I knew this fact for years. No I'am not going to any mission just to get away from Kathy. That doesn't make NO SENSE AT ALL. Why should I TRY TO SLEEP in a place with 40, 60 men or whatever amount that alot of them SNORE, and alot of them are alcohoics & drug addicts? When I have to put up with JUST ONE PERSON THAT SNORES, NAMELY KATHY. In these type of places, a person goes to the restroom and then comes back to your bed/cot and you find your possesions stolen. Jeanne, Jeanne, Jeanne, I think you mean well in writing all about this, but you were just rehashing this line of thinking that others wrote about going back these about 20 months now that I've associated with this group. I'am not upset with you. But you wrote about this and this is nothing new to me. This suicidal thoughts that I HAVE HAD, were just that, thoughts. I don't have that now. But it was about 3 different times now in this 20 month period. I think you misunderstood me to think I have this on going now or have been constandly for months or even years. At times I've said I take on anyone's sarcoid or all on upon myself. Yes at times I said this was because of being depressed. But this last year if I said this was because of my way of showing LOVE to another person or persons collectively. JUST LIKE MARY S. WHEN SHE HAS "HUGS" PRINTED AT THE END OF HER E-MAIL, THIS IS HER WAY OF SHOWING THIS TOWARDS OTHERS. Bye, Jeanne Betters wrote: Hi , I don't know if you realize this, but you don't have to wait for disability income to change your life. There are places people can go when they are in unhappy, unhealthy homes and haven't anywhere else to go nor the wherewithal to take care of themselves: homeless shelters. Usually YMCA is a good place to start for direction - even if they can't help you, they will probably know who can. And shelters usually even like it when you work (it's usually mandatory to staying there), so you won't have to give up your route. You don't pay a dime to stay there, but rather just do some chores and follow their rules, play nice, stuff like that. Usually you will have anywhere from 30 - 90 days to stay, during which time they will work with you on getting the services and counseling you need to get on with your life (they'll even help you and Kathy if you want to try to make things better between you). No matter what, you don't have to get a divorce to remove yourself from a situation that is eating you up inside. You sound like you could really use a breather. There's no shame in going to a shelter - it's there to help you weather the storm. Sick or well, stress like what you describe will kill you before any disease will. You have nothing to lose by going there for a while. I guess at some point or other everyone has had a suicidal thought. I'm glad in your case it's just a thought. But please try to understand: you can't pour out your misery and expect caring people, who are also suffering, to turn away and ignore your pain. You can't talk about having suicidal thoughts and expect people to ignore you. Your words were very upsetting to me, and I reacted to them in the best way I knew how. I've lost a handful of people in my life to suicide, and I've learned to believe the signs and not ignore them; not take them for granted. By "just putting it out there" -even if you mean to do nothing but blow off steam - you're going to evoke a reaction, . I truly am sorry if my reaction offended you; but you frightened me. I didn't mean to offend at all, and I'll do my best not to let that happen again. I guess I just don't understand why anyone would share something like that or anything else about themselves if they didn't want people to care. Reaching out is a good thing. It's kind of like being at the end of your rope and tying a knot. I totally understand that you don't need any more pressure - not from your Dad (who is wrong - this disease is most definitely not all in your head), not from anyone, including me. You most certainly don't owe me any caring or concern or a reason to press on. I would not have said anything remotely like that had I realized how my words would have been received. I shouldn't have put that kind of pressure on you, and most certainly didn't mean to. You're right, I don't know you. 'Sorry for jumping in like that. I get the message. I'll back off. Peace, Jeannie GARY WOOLARD wrote: Jeanne, Basically Jeanne your lenghtly reply is nothing new to me. I read before of replys of what you have written from Joan, Rose, that I do remember and perhaps from when she was writing into this thing here. Either you just don't understand what I had written since you've been with this group or just don't know the facts. IN DAYS, KATHY AND MYSELF WILL HAVE BEEN MARRIED FOR 29 YEARS. Reba our daughter is not a child no more for years. She turned 28 years old herself as of this past February. Yet like days like today, working on these paperoutes in Kentwood with at times the rain was raining hard with gusts of wind to about 45 m.p.h. and putting up with this Kathy and she putting up with me, no wonder I have said & thought the things in the past. IT'S LIKE GETTING THE OTHER SIDE OF THE UNIVERSE IS NOT FAR AWAY FROM KATHY. GOING BACK IN TIME SO THE SEQUENCE OF EVENTS TAKE PLACE DIFFERENTLY BEFORE GOD CREATED HIMSELF IS NOT FAR ENOUGH TO GO BACK IN TIME TO HAVE THIS DONE. THERE I SAID IT. THIS SPEAKS FOR ITSELF. It's only has been in the HUNDREDS OF TIMES that I have wished that this Sarcoidosis get REAL BAD then I could collect disability income. Then I could move out of this apartment, get my own apartment & live by myself, take care of having a divorce, move out of this state FOR GOOD, and then NEVER EVER telephone, write, e-mail the rest of my family PERIOD FOR AS LONG AS I LIVE. NO MORE CRAP, BULL BLANKETY STUFF FROM ANY OF MY FAMILY AGAIN. NO MORE HEARING FROM MY DAD THAT ALL THIS HEALTH STUFF THAT I HAVE SAID TO HIM "IS ALL IN YOUR HEAD, GARY". These suicidal thoughts were JUST THAT, THOUGHTS that I have had those 3 different time periods dating back to August, 2004. Jeannie, like I've said before in this group before you, Connie, , Terri, Janet, Ruth, and Dot the ones I can think of that joined this group; having the worst of this Sarcoidosis, cancer, or unrelated heart attack is NO BIG DEAL TO ME. Do I feel/think this way 24 hours a day 7 days a week, week after week, no I don't. In a intermitten way like symptoms of sarcoid arthristis in my left foot and lower leg today. Stays for awhile and go away for various amounts of intensity & duration. As far as getting a divorce I have NO SOURCE OF MONEY, LEGAL (savings, stocks, bonds, etc.) or ILLEGAL (selling illegal drugs). All my so call possesions is only around $200 to $400 in worth. No money for a divorce, to live on, pay my personal bills, recretation, etc. You CAN'T GIVE ME A REASON TO CONTINUE TO LIVE ANOTHER DAY AT TIMES. BUT I CAN, I CAN GIVE YOU AND EVERONE ELSE A REASON TO PRESS ON AND TO DESIRE TO LIVE. I think there is a difference. The reason I can give you that I continue to live, IS TO GIVE CONSOLING THOUGHTS, HUMOR, AND CARE ATTITUDE TO OTHERS IN THIS GROUP. If I sound like contracdictorary it is because I'am just have NO SELF WORTH at times. Enough of rambling on here today. Jeanne Betters wrote: Hi , I will definitely look that up some time this week when things here settle down. I completely understand the pain. I was in no way trying to make light of that. Please try to remember, though, that you are VERY important to Kathy and Reba. And the biggest thing you could ever do to let them down would be to end your life. Maybe your suffering is far more than anyone should bear. I haven't known anyone with NS other than this group, but I have had family, friends and contacts who have suffered with cancer and believe me, I do understand the compassion and mercy that fills one's heart when a loved one suffers. But you have to remember that when you lose all hope, you also rob those who love you of hope. If your wife or child were in that situation, OF COURSE it would be unbearable to see them suffer. But if you lived through them ending their lives, that would devastate you. I have had a number of people in my life take theirs. It not only kills the one who ends his or her life, it also kills part of the people they leave behind. I don't ever want to suffer in the way you do. It's horrifying. But please try to hold sight of the fact that your life impacts your wife, your daughter, your friends, family, confidantes, support friends - everyone. I even realize as I type this that you may think I'm minimizing your experience or in some way trying to rob you of the right to express your frustration and feelings. That is the farthest thing from the truth. You have every right to be pissed off, to stop wanting to try anymore. But giving up is a lot more than the moment that you so do. And it effects everyone. I would rather have you email me and lash out a million times than ever end your life. You are not dumb nor are you stupid. You have been pushed to the brink with your suffering. But all I can think of is the remarkable fact that you endured instead of giving up. You're still here. You and Kathy survived the hellish experience way back before NS. And I'm sure if I could sit down with her and Reba face-to-face, they would tell me of your courage and strength and I'd hear about their compassion for the suffering you endure. Kathy loves you, - she's still with you. She didn't bail. And Reba has her daddy. How many kids can say they have their Mom and Dad and that they are still together? That is no failure . I've been married 17+ years and I can tell you sometimes that is even more stressful than being sick. That is an ACCOMPLISHMENT. And I'd bet a million to one that you are not a failure in their eyes, but rather an inspiration. You are not alone if you feel guilty about the burden you put on your family because you aren't what you want to be or what anyone expected you to be. But when it comes down to brass tacks, they'd rather have you and have you imperfect than lose you and never have the opportunity to hear your voice again, to see your smile, or to listen to you lose your cool. People are not disposable. And families fall apart because we lose trust in what they are vs. what we feel they should be. Your worth is not measured by success, money or what you can or cannot do. Your worth is measured by the fact that you are here and what you bring into the lives of those who love you. Your worth is found in a smile and that sweet :As long as you do the very best you can with the resources that are bestowed upon you: as long as you can say "I love you" with your eyes; as long as you can still show compassion to someone else who needs your support, well, I think you've got an awful lot going for you."eye-sparkle" when your daughter comes home with a special card she made you. Your worth is found in the arms of your wife who still turns to you for strength a when she can't handle something big on her own. Your worth is found in the laughter shared with friends, the special gifts and your random acts of kindness to those who you love most. Your worth is found in the memories that you can record on tape for your daughter to pass on to her children. Your worth is found in your character, your desire to do good, to do the right thing as often as humanly possible. Your worth is your legacy that you leave to your family once you have been long gone. As long as you do the very best you can with the resources that are bestowed upon you: as long as you can say "I love you" with your eyes; as long as you can still show compassion to someone else who needs your support, well, I think you've got an awful lot going for you.Just because you can't do what you want in the way in which you want to do it, doesn't mean that it isn't important or that.. It's always about quality rather than quantity, too. All the other things - the stress of having no money to pay bills or put food on the table or to get that special toy your child really, really wants for Christmas... It's all important. And you'd probably fall over in shock to know just how many people are affected by this. You don't hear about it often because people are too embarrassed to expose themselves to criticism - whatever that criticism may be (screw 'em anyways), and whether it be just or unjust. But Welfare isn't something to be ashamed of, either. It's original intent was to help people survive during difficult economic situations. Granted, it's gotten out of hand a little bit, but there is absolutely no shame in accepting assistance when you need it. You are a good man, . Nobody deserves to go through what you're suffering. I wish I could take all your pain away, . I can't imagine what you've been through and what you are now suffering. Please don't ever think that I am trying to minimalize your suffering or situation. Just please remember I am always here to be your friend, to support you and to pray for you and your family. Thanks for sharing everything! A big hug to you - Jeannie Today a counselor told me that it's not the tangible things that you give to others, but rather the time you spend with them that matters. ARY WOOLARD wrote: Jeannie, I know you are new to this group. I've been with this group since Aug. 2004. I did leave twice though for awhile. Yes I have had suicidal thoughts three time periods lasting about a week to 10 days each one since this period I originally was with this group. These were "just thoughts" of just "kicking the bucket", and I didn't try to end it all in any of this time period. Only once, and you and probility all here would say once is TOO many times to actually attempt suicide. I did this one and only time in my life in the parking lot of a Meijer retail store in December 1987. I had in mind that day was go see a movie at Studio 28 Movie Theater Complex (first one with 20 movie screens) and then go to a store buy some sleepin pills and just do it. was dumb and stupid (is there a difference?) to do this. Why, why did I have in my mind to do this? It was because I was so depressed that this manufacturing company I was working at was going out of business. This was G.R. Manufacturing, Inc. but they also were more known as Kelvinator, Inc. They were an oven, range, and earlier years a mircowave, and chest style freezer appliance manufacturer. I was getting $9.99 an hour with Blue Cross/Blue Shield ins. We had the U.A.W. union there for the hourly employees. So we made appliances for companies like Sears, Wards, General Electric, Tappan, Magic Chef, Westinghouse amoung the ones I remember. Anyway I was just depressed at the time because of only having just a low paying part time job of $3.85 hour about 24 hours a week. Minimun wage at that time was $3.35. Kathy my wife was not working, she was being a stay at home housewife and Reba our daughter was 9 years old then. Kathy could have working, but she didn't have a good education and little/amost none work history. We end up going on welfare for awhile. Yes, all said and done, people would think this situation in your life made you try to do yourself end. I didn't have medical problems then. I had seasonal algeries and this Peptic Ulcer Disease going on and basically that was it in health status I had. Move rapidly up to these past few years, actually at times I've been more depressed then back in Dec. 1987. Family issues, health, and just general living stuff. But alot of folks here have had or now have these things going on. At times I said I would take on anyone's Sarcoidosis in a heartbeat if I could. Why? Because I have felt like I've been a failure as a husband to Kathy, failure as a dad to Reba, failure in having stability in employment in all those years (1979-to perhaps the present), failure in having love towards some family members (regardless of having verbal abuse from time to time from 2 if not 4 of them), failure of having friends, failure of having Faith In God now that is just about none. Now with physical pain I should have some strong pain reliever drug. People have said that you should take anit-depressive drugs for your physical pain. Whatever, but to slow down and better is to try to stop the source. What? Shrink those sarcoid lesions if all said and done they are in my legs & knees to they have LESS INFLAMMATARYNESS GOING ON THERE. Jeannie, this is long e-mail I know. But just look up MUSCLE ATROPY on your computer. This is why Sarcoidonians have progress to using a can, then walker, then wheelchair/motorize scooter. I have a gut feeling this is going now. My legs are just weak and arms too but lessor amount. Jeanne Betters wrote: Oh, ! Your email broke my heart! I know how awful the run around can be. If it weren't for these loving people in this group, I'd probably be a LOT worse off emotionally than I am. And I care what happens to you. I care about you. I need you to be here because when I fall, I want to know that the person who helps catch me is someone who really understands and who faced the demons and made it through. If you end it all, it would not only be taking away your hope, but many of ours, too. You need to find your will to fight this, . I am sure that most of you are far worse off than I am at this point in the game. I am sure that my small sufferings are no where near yours. But I am also sure that maybe you don't have the money for alcohol and sleeping pills because you are meant to be here - with us. I am so sorry that you are feeling this way. I am so sorry that you are at the edge of the wall looking down. You are very VERY important to all of us. And the "use of doing anything" is because we all have this miserable disease and maybe if you don't give up, we won't give up and someday they'll have a breakthrough that will help us and possibly save future generations - our relatives, friends, you name who - from having to go through this! Please don't let what you have said set in your mind and fester. You are so much more than that. I know we can lose sight and our doctors infuriate and even intimidate us. But we're not alone in the fight. We have each other! I don't want to lose you, and I don't want you to lose heart. I will tuck you safely in my "happy thoughts" as the politcally correct term goes. You are loved, you are significant and you are strong and you can beat the heat of the moment. One step at a time, my friend. Just one small step. I'm here to spiritually hold your hand through it, if you'll let me. Please don't think those thoughts. They can't possibly help you get to a better place emotionally OR physically! My poor friend... We ALL spiral out of control and downward once in a while. I think we have earned the right even. Well, sort of. You've got to let the hands that reach out to you hold you up through this. This too, shall pass. The sun always comes back out after the storm. Hugs, Jeannie GARY WOOLARD wrote: Rose, I don't have any "handle". Actually the only C'ber code I know is 10-4 (over & out). Rose, I'am not doing good again emotionally & mentally. Not because I was awaken at 5:00 a.m. this morning in a "lodger" building here at the Battle Creek V.A. Hospital complex. Now waiting in this bldg. #2 lobby for about an hour to go down to Ann Arbor V.A. Hospital for my eye doc appt. I "reverse" direction by comming back here, stay overnight again to tomorrow morning, and then back to G.R. Have you ever got an "run around" by some medical doctor? This "quote unquote" bastard rhemy doctor I seen just makes me to have apathy towards life about anything. I'AM SO DISCUSTED WITH THIS MORON THAT I WISH I NEVER WENT INTO THE MILITARY IN THE FIRST PLACE SO NOW IN MY LIFE I WOULDN'T HAVE TO GO THROUGH PATHIC MEDICAL CARE ATTITUDE BY A RHEMY DOC AS I HAD SEEN. Don't you think Tracie be so upset that sometime in her past sarcoid years that she had problems like in her lungs and a lung doc didn't do a damm thing? Likewise of anyone else in this group that have had medical problems and NOTHING, NOTHING was done, PERIOD!!!!!!!!!!!! Only if I had MONEY again. I could go buy alcohol & sleepin pills. SAME "OL", SAME "OL". Yeah, I had in mind to pursue medical tests, treatment, etc. just like Tracie, and yourself TOLD ME different times to do, and I HAD THIS FRAME OF MIND when I went and seen this rhemy doc. What do I get????????? Same "OL" do nothing crap from this V.A. doc. Too nice of a thing that this bastard is assinated. This pain in my knees right now while writing this is bad enough that I could be taking something stronger than that Darocvet Addictive Narcotic Painkiller I took back in 2002. Then to thing this IDIOT RHEMY DOC said I should be taking ANTI-DEPRESSIVE DRUGS!!!!!!!!!!!! I told him, part of my depression is have to PUT UP WITH THIS PAIN IN MY KNEES & LEGS DAY AFTER DAY AFTER DAY. Tracie & yourself have put this ENCOURAGEMENT in time after time for people and in myself for what????????????? TO NOT GIVE UP, PERIOD, NO MATTER WHAT LIKE I SEE MENTALLY THAT TRACIE WAS FACING BEING ON LUNG TRANSPLANT LISTING AND DIE IF SHE DIDN'T BE ABLE TO TAKE THAT REMICAID DRUG. This SENSE of determination by her and yourself finally was being instilled in my mental process likewise now only this thing with this idiot rhemy doc just stop altogether. I said in a e-mail that I'll try to resolve this. I just feel like "throw in the towel sydrome" again. What's the use of doing anything about everything? Bye now from rambling Rose wrote: Hey, , what was your handle? I wasn't real big into CB, but my husband was. We had a little Opal car & he put these giant antennae on each side of the rear end. It looked ridiculus, like a huge bug. We drove that thing from Dallas to Indianapolis, and you know we got a lot of comments! , I copy you. Ramblin' Rose Moderator Reply-To: Neurosarcoidosis To: Neurosarcoidosis Subject: Re: Re: Date: Sat, 29 Apr 2006 11:23:17 -0700 (PDT) Terri, I weigh at the peak weight for me at 194 lbs. back in Dec. 2001. This was in that time period when I found out something that was going on in my lungs. From Aug. 2001 until I was diagnois of Sarcoidosis in Jan. 2002. Anyway I had steadly and gradually lost weight from this peak weight that I ever was in my life of 194 lbs down to 172 lbs by December the following year (2001). I didn't do any exercise, running, nothing. Oh if you call walking from our 2 story apartment down to the parking lot where my car was or in the reverse way and going to and from a store from the store parking lot then I guess that's exercise. I gain a little back to about 180 lbs. I have occassionly eaten some of those donuts you mentioned. When we are over in the area where we do this paperoute in Kentwood, there is a shell gas station that sells these donuts inside there. They also have a Subway sandwich deli there too. Terri, those characters such as the one you had at the end of your e-mail are cute as ever!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! That character would be a example if I got OVERINDOLGED IN EATING THOSE CRITTER DONUTS in myself looking like that. 10-4 (y'all are too young to know about c'ber talk except for Darlene, Ron, and Rose aren't you???) mosaicgirl1 wrote: , You are so funny! I usually pick the side kicks too but Al was not one of my choices I assure you, but to each his own. I like a man with meat - I do not usually don't go for the skinny man, I like one with a little meat. What did my husband do? He went and lost 25 pounds. Do you think he is trying to send me a message? BTW, I am about 45 lbs overweight myself but I did just start weight watchers. The picture below is me eating my favorite: Krispy Creme donuts. Hee Hee. Terri G. >> > Thanks for the update on Doc tv show. I can't afford> cable & I'm too far from Louisville to pick it up on> "poor peoples" tv as we call it in my family. LOL As> far as the hunky man my idea of a hunky tv man was AL> on Tool TIme! I'm a chubby chaser & he could fix the> stuff around the house I broke. LOL> > > > grannylunatic@...> > __________________________________________________> Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted May 14, 2006 Report Share Posted May 14, 2006 , I'm butting in again here. One problem with this type of group is that new people are always joining, and it takes quite awhile, if ever, for them to catch up on others' stories. Heck, even some of us who've been here for years, like yours truly, get the stories mixed up. I've tried to think of a way that those who were willing could post their story; then the new folks could go to that link & learn a little about us. That would also save us from having to re-tell our story so many times. Does anyone else have a thought on this, yes or no? Ramblin' Rose Moderator Reply-To: Neurosarcoidosis To: Neurosarcoidosis Subject: Re: Re: / email to RoseDate: Sat, 13 May 2006 13:45:39 -0700 (PDT) Jeanne, This last response that you written about going to shelters is something I knew about years ago. Mel Trotter Mission and Lighthouse Mission imediatelly south of downtown Grand Rapids are two missions in this area that I'am aware of. I knew this fact for years. No I'am not going to any mission just to get away from Kathy. That doesn't make NO SENSE AT ALL. Why should I TRY TO SLEEP in a place with 40, 60 men or whatever amount that alot of them SNORE, and alot of them are alcohoics & drug addicts? When I have to put up with JUST ONE PERSON THAT SNORES, NAMELY KATHY. In these type of places, a person goes to the restroom and then comes back to your bed/cot and you find your possesions stolen. Jeanne, Jeanne, Jeanne, I think you mean well in writing all about this, but you were just rehashing this line of thinking that others wrote about going back these about 20 months now that I've associated with this group. I'am not upset with you. But you wrote about this and this is nothing new to me. This suicidal thoughts that I HAVE HAD, were just that, thoughts. I don't have that now. But it was about 3 different times now in this 20 month period. I think you misunderstood me to think I have this on going now or have been constandly for months or even years. At times I've said I take on anyone's sarcoid or all on upon myself. Yes at times I said this was because of being depressed. But this last year if I said this was because of my way of showing LOVE to another person or persons collectively. JUST LIKE MARY S. WHEN SHE HAS "HUGS" PRINTED AT THE END OF HER E-MAIL, THIS IS HER WAY OF SHOWING THIS TOWARDS OTHERS. Bye, Jeanne Betters wrote: Hi , I don't know if you realize this, but you don't have to wait for disability income to change your life. There are places people can go when they are in unhappy, unhealthy homes and haven't anywhere else to go nor the wherewithal to take care of themselves: homeless shelters. Usually YMCA is a good place to start for direction - even if they can't help you, they will probably know who can. And shelters usually even like it when you work (it's usually mandatory to staying there), so you won't have to give up your route. You don't pay a dime to stay there, but rather just do some chores and follow their rules, play nice, stuff like that. Usually you will have anywhere from 30 - 90 days to stay, during which time they will work with you on getting the services and counseling you need to get on with your life (they'll even help you and Kathy if you want to try to make things better between you). No matter what, you don't have to get a divorce to remove yourself from a situation that is eating you up inside. You sound like you could really use a breather. There's no shame in going to a shelter - it's there to help you weather the storm. Sick or well, stress like what you describe will kill you before any disease will. You have nothing to lose by going there for a while. I guess at some point or other everyone has had a suicidal thought. I'm glad in your case it's just a thought. But please try to understand: you can't pour out your misery and expect caring people, who are also suffering, to turn away and ignore your pain. You can't talk about having suicidal thoughts and expect people to ignore you. Your words were very upsetting to me, and I reacted to them in the best way I knew how. I've lost a handful of people in my life to suicide, and I've learned to believe the signs and not ignore them; not take them for granted. By "just putting it out there" -even if you mean to do nothing but blow off steam - you're going to evoke a reaction, . I truly am sorry if my reaction offended you; but you frightened me. I didn't mean to offend at all, and I'll do my best not to let that happen again. I guess I just don't understand why anyone would share something like that or anything else about themselves if they didn't want people to care. Reaching out is a good thing. It's kind of like being at the end of your rope and tying a knot. I totally understand that you don't need any more pressure - not from your Dad (who is wrong - this disease is most definitely not all in your head), not from anyone, including me. You most certainly don't owe me any caring or concern or a reason to press on. I would not have said anything remotely like that had I realized how my words would have been received. I shouldn't have put that kind of pressure on you, and most certainly didn't mean to. You're right, I don't know you. 'Sorry for jumping in like that. I get the message. I'll back off. Peace, Jeannie GARY WOOLARD wrote: Jeanne, Basically Jeanne your lenghtly reply is nothing new to me. I read before of replys of what you have written from Joan, Rose, that I do remember and perhaps from when she was writing into this thing here. Either you just don't understand what I had written since you've been with this group or just don't know the facts. IN DAYS, KATHY AND MYSELF WILL HAVE BEEN MARRIED FOR 29 YEARS. Reba our daughter is not a child no more for years. She turned 28 years old herself as of this past February. Yet like days like today, working on these paperoutes in Kentwood with at times the rain was raining hard with gusts of wind to about 45 m.p.h. and putting up with this Kathy and she putting up with me, no wonder I have said & thought the things in the past. IT'S LIKE GETTING THE OTHER SIDE OF THE UNIVERSE IS NOT FAR AWAY FROM KATHY. GOING BACK IN TIME SO THE SEQUENCE OF EVENTS TAKE PLACE DIFFERENTLY BEFORE GOD CREATED HIMSELF IS NOT FAR ENOUGH TO GO BACK IN TIME TO HAVE THIS DONE. THERE I SAID IT. THIS SPEAKS FOR ITSELF. It's only has been in the HUNDREDS OF TIMES that I have wished that this Sarcoidosis get REAL BAD then I could collect disability income. Then I could move out of this apartment, get my own apartment & live by myself, take care of having a divorce, move out of this state FOR GOOD, and then NEVER EVER telephone, write, e-mail the rest of my family PERIOD FOR AS LONG AS I LIVE. NO MORE CRAP, BULL BLANKETY STUFF FROM ANY OF MY FAMILY AGAIN. NO MORE HEARING FROM MY DAD THAT ALL THIS HEALTH STUFF THAT I HAVE SAID TO HIM "IS ALL IN YOUR HEAD, GARY". These suicidal thoughts were JUST THAT, THOUGHTS that I have had those 3 different time periods dating back to August, 2004. Jeannie, like I've said before in this group before you, Connie, , Terri, Janet, Ruth, and Dot the ones I can think of that joined this group; having the worst of this Sarcoidosis, cancer, or unrelated heart attack is NO BIG DEAL TO ME. Do I feel/think this way 24 hours a day 7 days a week, week after week, no I don't. In a intermitten way like symptoms of sarcoid arthristis in my left foot and lower leg today. Stays for awhile and go away for various amounts of intensity & duration. As far as getting a divorce I have NO SOURCE OF MONEY, LEGAL (savings, stocks, bonds, etc.) or ILLEGAL (selling illegal drugs). All my so call possesions is only around $200 to $400 in worth. No money for a divorce, to live on, pay my personal bills, recretation, etc. You CAN'T GIVE ME A REASON TO CONTINUE TO LIVE ANOTHER DAY AT TIMES. BUT I CAN, I CAN GIVE YOU AND EVERONE ELSE A REASON TO PRESS ON AND TO DESIRE TO LIVE. I think there is a difference. The reason I can give you that I continue to live, IS TO GIVE CONSOLING THOUGHTS, HUMOR, AND CARE ATTITUDE TO OTHERS IN THIS GROUP. If I sound like contracdictorary it is because I'am just have NO SELF WORTH at times. Enough of rambling on here today. Jeanne Betters wrote: Hi , I will definitely look that up some time this week when things here settle down. I completely understand the pain. I was in no way trying to make light of that. Please try to remember, though, that you are VERY important to Kathy and Reba. And the biggest thing you could ever do to let them down would be to end your life. Maybe your suffering is far more than anyone should bear. I haven't known anyone with NS other than this group, but I have had family, friends and contacts who have suffered with cancer and believe me, I do understand the compassion and mercy that fills one's heart when a loved one suffers. But you have to remember that when you lose all hope, you also rob those who love you of hope. If your wife or child were in that situation, OF COURSE it would be unbearable to see them suffer. But if you lived through them ending their lives, that would devastate you. I have had a number of people in my life take theirs. It not only kills the one who ends his or her life, it also kills part of the people they leave behind. I don't ever want to suffer in the way you do. It's horrifying. But please try to hold sight of the fact that your life impacts your wife, your daughter, your friends, family, confidantes, support friends - everyone. I even realize as I type this that you may think I'm minimizing your experience or in some way trying to rob you of the right to express your frustration and feelings. That is the farthest thing from the truth. You have every right to be pissed off, to stop wanting to try anymore. But giving up is a lot more than the moment that you so do. And it effects everyone. I would rather have you email me and lash out a million times than ever end your life. You are not dumb nor are you stupid. You have been pushed to the brink with your suffering. But all I can think of is the remarkable fact that you endured instead of giving up. You're still here. You and Kathy survived the hellish experience way back before NS. And I'm sure if I could sit down with her and Reba face-to-face, they would tell me of your courage and strength and I'd hear about their compassion for the suffering you endure. Kathy loves you, - she's still with you. She didn't bail. And Reba has her daddy. How many kids can say they have their Mom and Dad and that they are still together? That is no failure . I've been married 17+ years and I can tell you sometimes that is even more stressful than being sick. That is an ACCOMPLISHMENT. And I'd bet a million to one that you are not a failure in their eyes, but rather an inspiration. You are not alone if you feel guilty about the burden you put on your family because you aren't what you want to be or what anyone expected you to be. But when it comes down to brass tacks, they'd rather have you and have you imperfect than lose you and never have the opportunity to hear your voice again, to see your smile, or to listen to you lose your cool. People are not disposable. And families fall apart because we lose trust in what they are vs. what we feel they should be. Your worth is not measured by success, money or what you can or cannot do. Your worth is measured by the fact that you are here and what you bring into the lives of those who love you. Your worth is found in a smile and that sweet :As long as you do the very best you can with the resources that are bestowed upon you: as long as you can say "I love you" with your eyes; as long as you can still show compassion to someone else who needs your support, well, I think you've got an awful lot going for you."eye-sparkle" when your daughter comes home with a special card she made you. Your worth is found in the arms of your wife who still turns to you for strength a when she can't handle something big on her own. Your worth is found in the laughter shared with friends, the special gifts and your random acts of kindness to those who you love most. Your worth is found in the memories that you can record on tape for your daughter to pass on to her children. Your worth is found in your character, your desire to do good, to do the right thing as often as humanly possible. Your worth is your legacy that you leave to your family once you have been long gone. As long as you do the very best you can with the resources that are bestowed upon you: as long as you can say "I love you" with your eyes; as long as you can still show compassion to someone else who needs your support, well, I think you've got an awful lot going for you.Just because you can't do what you want in the way in which you want to do it, doesn't mean that it isn't important or that.. It's always about quality rather than quantity, too. All the other things - the stress of having no money to pay bills or put food on the table or to get that special toy your child really, really wants for Christmas... It's all important. And you'd probably fall over in shock to know just how many people are affected by this. You don't hear about it often because people are too embarrassed to expose themselves to criticism - whatever that criticism may be (screw 'em anyways), and whether it be just or unjust. But Welfare isn't something to be ashamed of, either. It's original intent was to help people survive during difficult economic situations. Granted, it's gotten out of hand a little bit, but there is absolutely no shame in accepting assistance when you need it. You are a good man, . Nobody deserves to go through what you're suffering. I wish I could take all your pain away, . I can't imagine what you've been through and what you are now suffering. Please don't ever think that I am trying to minimalize your suffering or situation. Just please remember I am always here to be your friend, to support you and to pray for you and your family. Thanks for sharing everything! A big hug to you - Jeannie Today a counselor told me that it's not the tangible things that you give to others, but rather the time you spend with them that matters. ARY WOOLARD wrote: Jeannie, I know you are new to this group. I've been with this group since Aug. 2004. I did leave twice though for awhile. Yes I have had suicidal thoughts three time periods lasting about a week to 10 days each one since this period I originally was with this group. These were "just thoughts" of just "kicking the bucket", and I didn't try to end it all in any of this time period. Only once, and you and probility all here would say once is TOO many times to actually attempt suicide. I did this one and only time in my life in the parking lot of a Meijer retail store in December 1987. I had in mind that day was go see a movie at Studio 28 Movie Theater Complex (first one with 20 movie screens) and then go to a store buy some sleepin pills and just do it. was dumb and stupid (is there a difference?) to do this. Why, why did I have in my mind to do this? It was because I was so depressed that this manufacturing company I was working at was going out of business. This was G.R. Manufacturing, Inc. but they also were more known as Kelvinator, Inc. They were an oven, range, and earlier years a mircowave, and chest style freezer appliance manufacturer. I was getting $9.99 an hour with Blue Cross/Blue Shield ins. We had the U.A.W. union there for the hourly employees. So we made appliances for companies like Sears, Wards, General Electric, Tappan, Magic Chef, Westinghouse amoung the ones I remember. Anyway I was just depressed at the time because of only having just a low paying part time job of $3.85 hour about 24 hours a week. Minimun wage at that time was $3.35. Kathy my wife was not working, she was being a stay at home housewife and Reba our daughter was 9 years old then. Kathy could have working, but she didn't have a good education and little/amost none work history. We end up going on welfare for awhile. Yes, all said and done, people would think this situation in your life made you try to do yourself end. I didn't have medical problems then. I had seasonal algeries and this Peptic Ulcer Disease going on and basically that was it in health status I had. Move rapidly up to these past few years, actually at times I've been more depressed then back in Dec. 1987. Family issues, health, and just general living stuff. But alot of folks here have had or now have these things going on. At times I said I would take on anyone's Sarcoidosis in a heartbeat if I could. Why? Because I have felt like I've been a failure as a husband to Kathy, failure as a dad to Reba, failure in having stability in employment in all those years (1979-to perhaps the present), failure in having love towards some family members (regardless of having verbal abuse from time to time from 2 if not 4 of them), failure of having friends, failure of having Faith In God now that is just about none. Now with physical pain I should have some strong pain reliever drug. People have said that you should take anit-depressive drugs for your physical pain. Whatever, but to slow down and better is to try to stop the source. What? Shrink those sarcoid lesions if all said and done they are in my legs & knees to they have LESS INFLAMMATARYNESS GOING ON THERE. Jeannie, this is long e-mail I know. But just look up MUSCLE ATROPY on your computer. This is why Sarcoidonians have progress to using a can, then walker, then wheelchair/motorize scooter. I have a gut feeling this is going now. My legs are just weak and arms too but lessor amount. Jeanne Betters wrote: Oh, ! Your email broke my heart! I know how awful the run around can be. If it weren't for these loving people in this group, I'd probably be a LOT worse off emotionally than I am. And I care what happens to you. I care about you. I need you to be here because when I fall, I want to know that the person who helps catch me is someone who really understands and who faced the demons and made it through. If you end it all, it would not only be taking away your hope, but many of ours, too. You need to find your will to fight this, . I am sure that most of you are far worse off than I am at this point in the game. I am sure that my small sufferings are no where near yours. But I am also sure that maybe you don't have the money for alcohol and sleeping pills because you are meant to be here - with us. I am so sorry that you are feeling this way. I am so sorry that you are at the edge of the wall looking down. You are very VERY important to all of us. And the "use of doing anything" is because we all have this miserable disease and maybe if you don't give up, we won't give up and someday they'll have a breakthrough that will help us and possibly save future generations - our relatives, friends, you name who - from having to go through this! Please don't let what you have said set in your mind and fester. You are so much more than that. I know we can lose sight and our doctors infuriate and even intimidate us. But we're not alone in the fight. We have each other! I don't want to lose you, and I don't want you to lose heart. I will tuck you safely in my "happy thoughts" as the politcally correct term goes. You are loved, you are significant and you are strong and you can beat the heat of the moment. One step at a time, my friend. Just one small step. I'm here to spiritually hold your hand through it, if you'll let me. Please don't think those thoughts. They can't possibly help you get to a better place emotionally OR physically! My poor friend... We ALL spiral out of control and downward once in a while. I think we have earned the right even. Well, sort of. You've got to let the hands that reach out to you hold you up through this. This too, shall pass. The sun always comes back out after the storm. Hugs, Jeannie GARY WOOLARD wrote: Rose, I don't have any "handle". Actually the only C'ber code I know is 10-4 (over & out). Rose, I'am not doing good again emotionally & mentally. Not because I was awaken at 5:00 a.m. this morning in a "lodger" building here at the Battle Creek V.A. Hospital complex. Now waiting in this bldg. #2 lobby for about an hour to go down to Ann Arbor V.A. Hospital for my eye doc appt. I "reverse" direction by comming back here, stay overnight again to tomorrow morning, and then back to G.R. Have you ever got an "run around" by some medical doctor? This "quote unquote" bastard rhemy doctor I seen just makes me to have apathy towards life about anything. I'AM SO DISCUSTED WITH THIS MORON THAT I WISH I NEVER WENT INTO THE MILITARY IN THE FIRST PLACE SO NOW IN MY LIFE I WOULDN'T HAVE TO GO THROUGH PATHIC MEDICAL CARE ATTITUDE BY A RHEMY DOC AS I HAD SEEN. Don't you think Tracie be so upset that sometime in her past sarcoid years that she had problems like in her lungs and a lung doc didn't do a damm thing? Likewise of anyone else in this group that have had medical problems and NOTHING, NOTHING was done, PERIOD!!!!!!!!!!!! Only if I had MONEY again. I could go buy alcohol & sleepin pills. SAME "OL", SAME "OL". Yeah, I had in mind to pursue medical tests, treatment, etc. just like Tracie, and yourself TOLD ME different times to do, and I HAD THIS FRAME OF MIND when I went and seen this rhemy doc. What do I get????????? Same "OL" do nothing crap from this V.A. doc. Too nice of a thing that this bastard is assinated. This pain in my knees right now while writing this is bad enough that I could be taking something stronger than that Darocvet Addictive Narcotic Painkiller I took back in 2002. Then to thing this IDIOT RHEMY DOC said I should be taking ANTI-DEPRESSIVE DRUGS!!!!!!!!!!!! I told him, part of my depression is have to PUT UP WITH THIS PAIN IN MY KNEES & LEGS DAY AFTER DAY AFTER DAY. Tracie & yourself have put this ENCOURAGEMENT in time after time for people and in myself for what????????????? TO NOT GIVE UP, PERIOD, NO MATTER WHAT LIKE I SEE MENTALLY THAT TRACIE WAS FACING BEING ON LUNG TRANSPLANT LISTING AND DIE IF SHE DIDN'T BE ABLE TO TAKE THAT REMICAID DRUG. This SENSE of determination by her and yourself finally was being instilled in my mental process likewise now only this thing with this idiot rhemy doc just stop altogether. I said in a e-mail that I'll try to resolve this. I just feel like "throw in the towel sydrome" again. What's the use of doing anything about everything? Bye now from rambling Rose wrote: Hey, , what was your handle? I wasn't real big into CB, but my husband was. We had a little Opal car & he put these giant antennae on each side of the rear end. It looked ridiculus, like a huge bug. We drove that thing from Dallas to Indianapolis, and you know we got a lot of comments! , I copy you. Ramblin' Rose Moderator Reply-To: Neurosarcoidosis To: Neurosarcoidosis Subject: Re: Re: Date: Sat, 29 Apr 2006 11:23:17 -0700 (PDT) Terri, I weigh at the peak weight for me at 194 lbs. back in Dec. 2001. This was in that time period when I found out something that was going on in my lungs. From Aug. 2001 until I was diagnois of Sarcoidosis in Jan. 2002. Anyway I had steadly and gradually lost weight from this peak weight that I ever was in my life of 194 lbs down to 172 lbs by December the following year (2001). I didn't do any exercise, running, nothing. Oh if you call walking from our 2 story apartment down to the parking lot where my car was or in the reverse way and going to and from a store from the store parking lot then I guess that's exercise. I gain a little back to about 180 lbs. I have occassionly eaten some of those donuts you mentioned. When we are over in the area where we do this paperoute in Kentwood, there is a shell gas station that sells these donuts inside there. They also have a Subway sandwich deli there too. Terri, those characters such as the one you had at the end of your e-mail are cute as ever!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! That character would be a example if I got OVERINDOLGED IN EATING THOSE CRITTER DONUTS in myself looking like that. 10-4 (y'all are too young to know about c'ber talk except for Darlene, Ron, and Rose aren't you???) mosaicgirl1 wrote: , You are so funny! I usually pick the side kicks too but Al was not one of my choices I assure you, but to each his own. I like a man with meat - I do not usually don't go for the skinny man, I like one with a little meat. What did my husband do? He went and lost 25 pounds. Do you think he is trying to send me a message? BTW, I am about 45 lbs overweight myself but I did just start weight watchers. The picture below is me eating my favorite: Krispy Creme donuts. Hee Hee. Terri G. >> > Thanks for the update on Doc tv show. I can't afford> cable & I'm too far from Louisville to pick it up on> "poor peoples" tv as we call it in my family. LOL As> far as the hunky man my idea of a hunky tv man was AL> on Tool TIme! I'm a chubby chaser & he could fix the> stuff around the house I broke. LOL> > > > grannylunatic@...> > __________________________________________________> Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted May 14, 2006 Report Share Posted May 14, 2006 , I'm butting in again here. One problem with this type of group is that new people are always joining, and it takes quite awhile, if ever, for them to catch up on others' stories. Heck, even some of us who've been here for years, like yours truly, get the stories mixed up. I've tried to think of a way that those who were willing could post their story; then the new folks could go to that link & learn a little about us. That would also save us from having to re-tell our story so many times. Does anyone else have a thought on this, yes or no? Ramblin' Rose Moderator Reply-To: Neurosarcoidosis To: Neurosarcoidosis Subject: Re: Re: / email to RoseDate: Sat, 13 May 2006 13:45:39 -0700 (PDT) Jeanne, This last response that you written about going to shelters is something I knew about years ago. Mel Trotter Mission and Lighthouse Mission imediatelly south of downtown Grand Rapids are two missions in this area that I'am aware of. I knew this fact for years. No I'am not going to any mission just to get away from Kathy. That doesn't make NO SENSE AT ALL. Why should I TRY TO SLEEP in a place with 40, 60 men or whatever amount that alot of them SNORE, and alot of them are alcohoics & drug addicts? When I have to put up with JUST ONE PERSON THAT SNORES, NAMELY KATHY. In these type of places, a person goes to the restroom and then comes back to your bed/cot and you find your possesions stolen. Jeanne, Jeanne, Jeanne, I think you mean well in writing all about this, but you were just rehashing this line of thinking that others wrote about going back these about 20 months now that I've associated with this group. I'am not upset with you. But you wrote about this and this is nothing new to me. This suicidal thoughts that I HAVE HAD, were just that, thoughts. I don't have that now. But it was about 3 different times now in this 20 month period. I think you misunderstood me to think I have this on going now or have been constandly for months or even years. At times I've said I take on anyone's sarcoid or all on upon myself. Yes at times I said this was because of being depressed. But this last year if I said this was because of my way of showing LOVE to another person or persons collectively. JUST LIKE MARY S. WHEN SHE HAS "HUGS" PRINTED AT THE END OF HER E-MAIL, THIS IS HER WAY OF SHOWING THIS TOWARDS OTHERS. Bye, Jeanne Betters wrote: Hi , I don't know if you realize this, but you don't have to wait for disability income to change your life. There are places people can go when they are in unhappy, unhealthy homes and haven't anywhere else to go nor the wherewithal to take care of themselves: homeless shelters. Usually YMCA is a good place to start for direction - even if they can't help you, they will probably know who can. And shelters usually even like it when you work (it's usually mandatory to staying there), so you won't have to give up your route. You don't pay a dime to stay there, but rather just do some chores and follow their rules, play nice, stuff like that. Usually you will have anywhere from 30 - 90 days to stay, during which time they will work with you on getting the services and counseling you need to get on with your life (they'll even help you and Kathy if you want to try to make things better between you). No matter what, you don't have to get a divorce to remove yourself from a situation that is eating you up inside. You sound like you could really use a breather. There's no shame in going to a shelter - it's there to help you weather the storm. Sick or well, stress like what you describe will kill you before any disease will. You have nothing to lose by going there for a while. I guess at some point or other everyone has had a suicidal thought. I'm glad in your case it's just a thought. But please try to understand: you can't pour out your misery and expect caring people, who are also suffering, to turn away and ignore your pain. You can't talk about having suicidal thoughts and expect people to ignore you. Your words were very upsetting to me, and I reacted to them in the best way I knew how. I've lost a handful of people in my life to suicide, and I've learned to believe the signs and not ignore them; not take them for granted. By "just putting it out there" -even if you mean to do nothing but blow off steam - you're going to evoke a reaction, . I truly am sorry if my reaction offended you; but you frightened me. I didn't mean to offend at all, and I'll do my best not to let that happen again. I guess I just don't understand why anyone would share something like that or anything else about themselves if they didn't want people to care. Reaching out is a good thing. It's kind of like being at the end of your rope and tying a knot. I totally understand that you don't need any more pressure - not from your Dad (who is wrong - this disease is most definitely not all in your head), not from anyone, including me. You most certainly don't owe me any caring or concern or a reason to press on. I would not have said anything remotely like that had I realized how my words would have been received. I shouldn't have put that kind of pressure on you, and most certainly didn't mean to. You're right, I don't know you. 'Sorry for jumping in like that. I get the message. I'll back off. Peace, Jeannie GARY WOOLARD wrote: Jeanne, Basically Jeanne your lenghtly reply is nothing new to me. I read before of replys of what you have written from Joan, Rose, that I do remember and perhaps from when she was writing into this thing here. Either you just don't understand what I had written since you've been with this group or just don't know the facts. IN DAYS, KATHY AND MYSELF WILL HAVE BEEN MARRIED FOR 29 YEARS. Reba our daughter is not a child no more for years. She turned 28 years old herself as of this past February. Yet like days like today, working on these paperoutes in Kentwood with at times the rain was raining hard with gusts of wind to about 45 m.p.h. and putting up with this Kathy and she putting up with me, no wonder I have said & thought the things in the past. IT'S LIKE GETTING THE OTHER SIDE OF THE UNIVERSE IS NOT FAR AWAY FROM KATHY. GOING BACK IN TIME SO THE SEQUENCE OF EVENTS TAKE PLACE DIFFERENTLY BEFORE GOD CREATED HIMSELF IS NOT FAR ENOUGH TO GO BACK IN TIME TO HAVE THIS DONE. THERE I SAID IT. THIS SPEAKS FOR ITSELF. It's only has been in the HUNDREDS OF TIMES that I have wished that this Sarcoidosis get REAL BAD then I could collect disability income. Then I could move out of this apartment, get my own apartment & live by myself, take care of having a divorce, move out of this state FOR GOOD, and then NEVER EVER telephone, write, e-mail the rest of my family PERIOD FOR AS LONG AS I LIVE. NO MORE CRAP, BULL BLANKETY STUFF FROM ANY OF MY FAMILY AGAIN. NO MORE HEARING FROM MY DAD THAT ALL THIS HEALTH STUFF THAT I HAVE SAID TO HIM "IS ALL IN YOUR HEAD, GARY". These suicidal thoughts were JUST THAT, THOUGHTS that I have had those 3 different time periods dating back to August, 2004. Jeannie, like I've said before in this group before you, Connie, , Terri, Janet, Ruth, and Dot the ones I can think of that joined this group; having the worst of this Sarcoidosis, cancer, or unrelated heart attack is NO BIG DEAL TO ME. Do I feel/think this way 24 hours a day 7 days a week, week after week, no I don't. In a intermitten way like symptoms of sarcoid arthristis in my left foot and lower leg today. Stays for awhile and go away for various amounts of intensity & duration. As far as getting a divorce I have NO SOURCE OF MONEY, LEGAL (savings, stocks, bonds, etc.) or ILLEGAL (selling illegal drugs). All my so call possesions is only around $200 to $400 in worth. No money for a divorce, to live on, pay my personal bills, recretation, etc. You CAN'T GIVE ME A REASON TO CONTINUE TO LIVE ANOTHER DAY AT TIMES. BUT I CAN, I CAN GIVE YOU AND EVERONE ELSE A REASON TO PRESS ON AND TO DESIRE TO LIVE. I think there is a difference. The reason I can give you that I continue to live, IS TO GIVE CONSOLING THOUGHTS, HUMOR, AND CARE ATTITUDE TO OTHERS IN THIS GROUP. If I sound like contracdictorary it is because I'am just have NO SELF WORTH at times. Enough of rambling on here today. Jeanne Betters wrote: Hi , I will definitely look that up some time this week when things here settle down. I completely understand the pain. I was in no way trying to make light of that. Please try to remember, though, that you are VERY important to Kathy and Reba. And the biggest thing you could ever do to let them down would be to end your life. Maybe your suffering is far more than anyone should bear. I haven't known anyone with NS other than this group, but I have had family, friends and contacts who have suffered with cancer and believe me, I do understand the compassion and mercy that fills one's heart when a loved one suffers. But you have to remember that when you lose all hope, you also rob those who love you of hope. If your wife or child were in that situation, OF COURSE it would be unbearable to see them suffer. But if you lived through them ending their lives, that would devastate you. I have had a number of people in my life take theirs. It not only kills the one who ends his or her life, it also kills part of the people they leave behind. I don't ever want to suffer in the way you do. It's horrifying. But please try to hold sight of the fact that your life impacts your wife, your daughter, your friends, family, confidantes, support friends - everyone. I even realize as I type this that you may think I'm minimizing your experience or in some way trying to rob you of the right to express your frustration and feelings. That is the farthest thing from the truth. You have every right to be pissed off, to stop wanting to try anymore. But giving up is a lot more than the moment that you so do. And it effects everyone. I would rather have you email me and lash out a million times than ever end your life. You are not dumb nor are you stupid. You have been pushed to the brink with your suffering. But all I can think of is the remarkable fact that you endured instead of giving up. You're still here. You and Kathy survived the hellish experience way back before NS. And I'm sure if I could sit down with her and Reba face-to-face, they would tell me of your courage and strength and I'd hear about their compassion for the suffering you endure. Kathy loves you, - she's still with you. She didn't bail. And Reba has her daddy. How many kids can say they have their Mom and Dad and that they are still together? That is no failure . I've been married 17+ years and I can tell you sometimes that is even more stressful than being sick. That is an ACCOMPLISHMENT. And I'd bet a million to one that you are not a failure in their eyes, but rather an inspiration. You are not alone if you feel guilty about the burden you put on your family because you aren't what you want to be or what anyone expected you to be. But when it comes down to brass tacks, they'd rather have you and have you imperfect than lose you and never have the opportunity to hear your voice again, to see your smile, or to listen to you lose your cool. People are not disposable. And families fall apart because we lose trust in what they are vs. what we feel they should be. Your worth is not measured by success, money or what you can or cannot do. Your worth is measured by the fact that you are here and what you bring into the lives of those who love you. Your worth is found in a smile and that sweet :As long as you do the very best you can with the resources that are bestowed upon you: as long as you can say "I love you" with your eyes; as long as you can still show compassion to someone else who needs your support, well, I think you've got an awful lot going for you."eye-sparkle" when your daughter comes home with a special card she made you. Your worth is found in the arms of your wife who still turns to you for strength a when she can't handle something big on her own. Your worth is found in the laughter shared with friends, the special gifts and your random acts of kindness to those who you love most. Your worth is found in the memories that you can record on tape for your daughter to pass on to her children. Your worth is found in your character, your desire to do good, to do the right thing as often as humanly possible. Your worth is your legacy that you leave to your family once you have been long gone. As long as you do the very best you can with the resources that are bestowed upon you: as long as you can say "I love you" with your eyes; as long as you can still show compassion to someone else who needs your support, well, I think you've got an awful lot going for you.Just because you can't do what you want in the way in which you want to do it, doesn't mean that it isn't important or that.. It's always about quality rather than quantity, too. All the other things - the stress of having no money to pay bills or put food on the table or to get that special toy your child really, really wants for Christmas... It's all important. And you'd probably fall over in shock to know just how many people are affected by this. You don't hear about it often because people are too embarrassed to expose themselves to criticism - whatever that criticism may be (screw 'em anyways), and whether it be just or unjust. But Welfare isn't something to be ashamed of, either. It's original intent was to help people survive during difficult economic situations. Granted, it's gotten out of hand a little bit, but there is absolutely no shame in accepting assistance when you need it. You are a good man, . Nobody deserves to go through what you're suffering. I wish I could take all your pain away, . I can't imagine what you've been through and what you are now suffering. Please don't ever think that I am trying to minimalize your suffering or situation. Just please remember I am always here to be your friend, to support you and to pray for you and your family. Thanks for sharing everything! A big hug to you - Jeannie Today a counselor told me that it's not the tangible things that you give to others, but rather the time you spend with them that matters. ARY WOOLARD wrote: Jeannie, I know you are new to this group. I've been with this group since Aug. 2004. I did leave twice though for awhile. Yes I have had suicidal thoughts three time periods lasting about a week to 10 days each one since this period I originally was with this group. These were "just thoughts" of just "kicking the bucket", and I didn't try to end it all in any of this time period. Only once, and you and probility all here would say once is TOO many times to actually attempt suicide. I did this one and only time in my life in the parking lot of a Meijer retail store in December 1987. I had in mind that day was go see a movie at Studio 28 Movie Theater Complex (first one with 20 movie screens) and then go to a store buy some sleepin pills and just do it. was dumb and stupid (is there a difference?) to do this. Why, why did I have in my mind to do this? It was because I was so depressed that this manufacturing company I was working at was going out of business. This was G.R. Manufacturing, Inc. but they also were more known as Kelvinator, Inc. They were an oven, range, and earlier years a mircowave, and chest style freezer appliance manufacturer. I was getting $9.99 an hour with Blue Cross/Blue Shield ins. We had the U.A.W. union there for the hourly employees. So we made appliances for companies like Sears, Wards, General Electric, Tappan, Magic Chef, Westinghouse amoung the ones I remember. Anyway I was just depressed at the time because of only having just a low paying part time job of $3.85 hour about 24 hours a week. Minimun wage at that time was $3.35. Kathy my wife was not working, she was being a stay at home housewife and Reba our daughter was 9 years old then. Kathy could have working, but she didn't have a good education and little/amost none work history. We end up going on welfare for awhile. Yes, all said and done, people would think this situation in your life made you try to do yourself end. I didn't have medical problems then. I had seasonal algeries and this Peptic Ulcer Disease going on and basically that was it in health status I had. Move rapidly up to these past few years, actually at times I've been more depressed then back in Dec. 1987. Family issues, health, and just general living stuff. But alot of folks here have had or now have these things going on. At times I said I would take on anyone's Sarcoidosis in a heartbeat if I could. Why? Because I have felt like I've been a failure as a husband to Kathy, failure as a dad to Reba, failure in having stability in employment in all those years (1979-to perhaps the present), failure in having love towards some family members (regardless of having verbal abuse from time to time from 2 if not 4 of them), failure of having friends, failure of having Faith In God now that is just about none. Now with physical pain I should have some strong pain reliever drug. People have said that you should take anit-depressive drugs for your physical pain. Whatever, but to slow down and better is to try to stop the source. What? Shrink those sarcoid lesions if all said and done they are in my legs & knees to they have LESS INFLAMMATARYNESS GOING ON THERE. Jeannie, this is long e-mail I know. But just look up MUSCLE ATROPY on your computer. This is why Sarcoidonians have progress to using a can, then walker, then wheelchair/motorize scooter. I have a gut feeling this is going now. My legs are just weak and arms too but lessor amount. Jeanne Betters wrote: Oh, ! Your email broke my heart! I know how awful the run around can be. If it weren't for these loving people in this group, I'd probably be a LOT worse off emotionally than I am. And I care what happens to you. I care about you. I need you to be here because when I fall, I want to know that the person who helps catch me is someone who really understands and who faced the demons and made it through. If you end it all, it would not only be taking away your hope, but many of ours, too. You need to find your will to fight this, . I am sure that most of you are far worse off than I am at this point in the game. I am sure that my small sufferings are no where near yours. But I am also sure that maybe you don't have the money for alcohol and sleeping pills because you are meant to be here - with us. I am so sorry that you are feeling this way. I am so sorry that you are at the edge of the wall looking down. You are very VERY important to all of us. And the "use of doing anything" is because we all have this miserable disease and maybe if you don't give up, we won't give up and someday they'll have a breakthrough that will help us and possibly save future generations - our relatives, friends, you name who - from having to go through this! Please don't let what you have said set in your mind and fester. You are so much more than that. I know we can lose sight and our doctors infuriate and even intimidate us. But we're not alone in the fight. We have each other! I don't want to lose you, and I don't want you to lose heart. I will tuck you safely in my "happy thoughts" as the politcally correct term goes. You are loved, you are significant and you are strong and you can beat the heat of the moment. One step at a time, my friend. Just one small step. I'm here to spiritually hold your hand through it, if you'll let me. Please don't think those thoughts. They can't possibly help you get to a better place emotionally OR physically! My poor friend... We ALL spiral out of control and downward once in a while. I think we have earned the right even. Well, sort of. You've got to let the hands that reach out to you hold you up through this. This too, shall pass. The sun always comes back out after the storm. Hugs, Jeannie GARY WOOLARD wrote: Rose, I don't have any "handle". Actually the only C'ber code I know is 10-4 (over & out). Rose, I'am not doing good again emotionally & mentally. Not because I was awaken at 5:00 a.m. this morning in a "lodger" building here at the Battle Creek V.A. Hospital complex. Now waiting in this bldg. #2 lobby for about an hour to go down to Ann Arbor V.A. Hospital for my eye doc appt. I "reverse" direction by comming back here, stay overnight again to tomorrow morning, and then back to G.R. Have you ever got an "run around" by some medical doctor? This "quote unquote" bastard rhemy doctor I seen just makes me to have apathy towards life about anything. I'AM SO DISCUSTED WITH THIS MORON THAT I WISH I NEVER WENT INTO THE MILITARY IN THE FIRST PLACE SO NOW IN MY LIFE I WOULDN'T HAVE TO GO THROUGH PATHIC MEDICAL CARE ATTITUDE BY A RHEMY DOC AS I HAD SEEN. Don't you think Tracie be so upset that sometime in her past sarcoid years that she had problems like in her lungs and a lung doc didn't do a damm thing? Likewise of anyone else in this group that have had medical problems and NOTHING, NOTHING was done, PERIOD!!!!!!!!!!!! Only if I had MONEY again. I could go buy alcohol & sleepin pills. SAME "OL", SAME "OL". Yeah, I had in mind to pursue medical tests, treatment, etc. just like Tracie, and yourself TOLD ME different times to do, and I HAD THIS FRAME OF MIND when I went and seen this rhemy doc. What do I get????????? Same "OL" do nothing crap from this V.A. doc. Too nice of a thing that this bastard is assinated. This pain in my knees right now while writing this is bad enough that I could be taking something stronger than that Darocvet Addictive Narcotic Painkiller I took back in 2002. Then to thing this IDIOT RHEMY DOC said I should be taking ANTI-DEPRESSIVE DRUGS!!!!!!!!!!!! I told him, part of my depression is have to PUT UP WITH THIS PAIN IN MY KNEES & LEGS DAY AFTER DAY AFTER DAY. Tracie & yourself have put this ENCOURAGEMENT in time after time for people and in myself for what????????????? TO NOT GIVE UP, PERIOD, NO MATTER WHAT LIKE I SEE MENTALLY THAT TRACIE WAS FACING BEING ON LUNG TRANSPLANT LISTING AND DIE IF SHE DIDN'T BE ABLE TO TAKE THAT REMICAID DRUG. This SENSE of determination by her and yourself finally was being instilled in my mental process likewise now only this thing with this idiot rhemy doc just stop altogether. I said in a e-mail that I'll try to resolve this. I just feel like "throw in the towel sydrome" again. What's the use of doing anything about everything? Bye now from rambling Rose wrote: Hey, , what was your handle? I wasn't real big into CB, but my husband was. We had a little Opal car & he put these giant antennae on each side of the rear end. It looked ridiculus, like a huge bug. We drove that thing from Dallas to Indianapolis, and you know we got a lot of comments! , I copy you. Ramblin' Rose Moderator Reply-To: Neurosarcoidosis To: Neurosarcoidosis Subject: Re: Re: Date: Sat, 29 Apr 2006 11:23:17 -0700 (PDT) Terri, I weigh at the peak weight for me at 194 lbs. back in Dec. 2001. This was in that time period when I found out something that was going on in my lungs. From Aug. 2001 until I was diagnois of Sarcoidosis in Jan. 2002. Anyway I had steadly and gradually lost weight from this peak weight that I ever was in my life of 194 lbs down to 172 lbs by December the following year (2001). I didn't do any exercise, running, nothing. Oh if you call walking from our 2 story apartment down to the parking lot where my car was or in the reverse way and going to and from a store from the store parking lot then I guess that's exercise. I gain a little back to about 180 lbs. I have occassionly eaten some of those donuts you mentioned. When we are over in the area where we do this paperoute in Kentwood, there is a shell gas station that sells these donuts inside there. They also have a Subway sandwich deli there too. Terri, those characters such as the one you had at the end of your e-mail are cute as ever!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! That character would be a example if I got OVERINDOLGED IN EATING THOSE CRITTER DONUTS in myself looking like that. 10-4 (y'all are too young to know about c'ber talk except for Darlene, Ron, and Rose aren't you???) mosaicgirl1 wrote: , You are so funny! I usually pick the side kicks too but Al was not one of my choices I assure you, but to each his own. I like a man with meat - I do not usually don't go for the skinny man, I like one with a little meat. What did my husband do? He went and lost 25 pounds. Do you think he is trying to send me a message? BTW, I am about 45 lbs overweight myself but I did just start weight watchers. The picture below is me eating my favorite: Krispy Creme donuts. Hee Hee. Terri G. >> > Thanks for the update on Doc tv show. I can't afford> cable & I'm too far from Louisville to pick it up on> "poor peoples" tv as we call it in my family. LOL As> far as the hunky man my idea of a hunky tv man was AL> on Tool TIme! I'm a chubby chaser & he could fix the> stuff around the house I broke. LOL> > > > grannylunatic@...> > __________________________________________________> Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted May 14, 2006 Report Share Posted May 14, 2006 , I'm butting in again here. One problem with this type of group is that new people are always joining, and it takes quite awhile, if ever, for them to catch up on others' stories. Heck, even some of us who've been here for years, like yours truly, get the stories mixed up. I've tried to think of a way that those who were willing could post their story; then the new folks could go to that link & learn a little about us. That would also save us from having to re-tell our story so many times. Does anyone else have a thought on this, yes or no? Ramblin' Rose Moderator Reply-To: Neurosarcoidosis To: Neurosarcoidosis Subject: Re: Re: / email to RoseDate: Sat, 13 May 2006 13:45:39 -0700 (PDT) Jeanne, This last response that you written about going to shelters is something I knew about years ago. Mel Trotter Mission and Lighthouse Mission imediatelly south of downtown Grand Rapids are two missions in this area that I'am aware of. I knew this fact for years. No I'am not going to any mission just to get away from Kathy. That doesn't make NO SENSE AT ALL. Why should I TRY TO SLEEP in a place with 40, 60 men or whatever amount that alot of them SNORE, and alot of them are alcohoics & drug addicts? When I have to put up with JUST ONE PERSON THAT SNORES, NAMELY KATHY. In these type of places, a person goes to the restroom and then comes back to your bed/cot and you find your possesions stolen. Jeanne, Jeanne, Jeanne, I think you mean well in writing all about this, but you were just rehashing this line of thinking that others wrote about going back these about 20 months now that I've associated with this group. I'am not upset with you. But you wrote about this and this is nothing new to me. This suicidal thoughts that I HAVE HAD, were just that, thoughts. I don't have that now. But it was about 3 different times now in this 20 month period. I think you misunderstood me to think I have this on going now or have been constandly for months or even years. At times I've said I take on anyone's sarcoid or all on upon myself. Yes at times I said this was because of being depressed. But this last year if I said this was because of my way of showing LOVE to another person or persons collectively. JUST LIKE MARY S. WHEN SHE HAS "HUGS" PRINTED AT THE END OF HER E-MAIL, THIS IS HER WAY OF SHOWING THIS TOWARDS OTHERS. Bye, Jeanne Betters wrote: Hi , I don't know if you realize this, but you don't have to wait for disability income to change your life. There are places people can go when they are in unhappy, unhealthy homes and haven't anywhere else to go nor the wherewithal to take care of themselves: homeless shelters. Usually YMCA is a good place to start for direction - even if they can't help you, they will probably know who can. And shelters usually even like it when you work (it's usually mandatory to staying there), so you won't have to give up your route. You don't pay a dime to stay there, but rather just do some chores and follow their rules, play nice, stuff like that. Usually you will have anywhere from 30 - 90 days to stay, during which time they will work with you on getting the services and counseling you need to get on with your life (they'll even help you and Kathy if you want to try to make things better between you). No matter what, you don't have to get a divorce to remove yourself from a situation that is eating you up inside. You sound like you could really use a breather. There's no shame in going to a shelter - it's there to help you weather the storm. Sick or well, stress like what you describe will kill you before any disease will. You have nothing to lose by going there for a while. I guess at some point or other everyone has had a suicidal thought. I'm glad in your case it's just a thought. But please try to understand: you can't pour out your misery and expect caring people, who are also suffering, to turn away and ignore your pain. You can't talk about having suicidal thoughts and expect people to ignore you. Your words were very upsetting to me, and I reacted to them in the best way I knew how. I've lost a handful of people in my life to suicide, and I've learned to believe the signs and not ignore them; not take them for granted. By "just putting it out there" -even if you mean to do nothing but blow off steam - you're going to evoke a reaction, . I truly am sorry if my reaction offended you; but you frightened me. I didn't mean to offend at all, and I'll do my best not to let that happen again. I guess I just don't understand why anyone would share something like that or anything else about themselves if they didn't want people to care. Reaching out is a good thing. It's kind of like being at the end of your rope and tying a knot. I totally understand that you don't need any more pressure - not from your Dad (who is wrong - this disease is most definitely not all in your head), not from anyone, including me. You most certainly don't owe me any caring or concern or a reason to press on. I would not have said anything remotely like that had I realized how my words would have been received. I shouldn't have put that kind of pressure on you, and most certainly didn't mean to. You're right, I don't know you. 'Sorry for jumping in like that. I get the message. I'll back off. Peace, Jeannie GARY WOOLARD wrote: Jeanne, Basically Jeanne your lenghtly reply is nothing new to me. I read before of replys of what you have written from Joan, Rose, that I do remember and perhaps from when she was writing into this thing here. Either you just don't understand what I had written since you've been with this group or just don't know the facts. IN DAYS, KATHY AND MYSELF WILL HAVE BEEN MARRIED FOR 29 YEARS. Reba our daughter is not a child no more for years. She turned 28 years old herself as of this past February. Yet like days like today, working on these paperoutes in Kentwood with at times the rain was raining hard with gusts of wind to about 45 m.p.h. and putting up with this Kathy and she putting up with me, no wonder I have said & thought the things in the past. IT'S LIKE GETTING THE OTHER SIDE OF THE UNIVERSE IS NOT FAR AWAY FROM KATHY. GOING BACK IN TIME SO THE SEQUENCE OF EVENTS TAKE PLACE DIFFERENTLY BEFORE GOD CREATED HIMSELF IS NOT FAR ENOUGH TO GO BACK IN TIME TO HAVE THIS DONE. THERE I SAID IT. THIS SPEAKS FOR ITSELF. It's only has been in the HUNDREDS OF TIMES that I have wished that this Sarcoidosis get REAL BAD then I could collect disability income. Then I could move out of this apartment, get my own apartment & live by myself, take care of having a divorce, move out of this state FOR GOOD, and then NEVER EVER telephone, write, e-mail the rest of my family PERIOD FOR AS LONG AS I LIVE. NO MORE CRAP, BULL BLANKETY STUFF FROM ANY OF MY FAMILY AGAIN. NO MORE HEARING FROM MY DAD THAT ALL THIS HEALTH STUFF THAT I HAVE SAID TO HIM "IS ALL IN YOUR HEAD, GARY". These suicidal thoughts were JUST THAT, THOUGHTS that I have had those 3 different time periods dating back to August, 2004. Jeannie, like I've said before in this group before you, Connie, , Terri, Janet, Ruth, and Dot the ones I can think of that joined this group; having the worst of this Sarcoidosis, cancer, or unrelated heart attack is NO BIG DEAL TO ME. Do I feel/think this way 24 hours a day 7 days a week, week after week, no I don't. In a intermitten way like symptoms of sarcoid arthristis in my left foot and lower leg today. Stays for awhile and go away for various amounts of intensity & duration. As far as getting a divorce I have NO SOURCE OF MONEY, LEGAL (savings, stocks, bonds, etc.) or ILLEGAL (selling illegal drugs). All my so call possesions is only around $200 to $400 in worth. No money for a divorce, to live on, pay my personal bills, recretation, etc. You CAN'T GIVE ME A REASON TO CONTINUE TO LIVE ANOTHER DAY AT TIMES. BUT I CAN, I CAN GIVE YOU AND EVERONE ELSE A REASON TO PRESS ON AND TO DESIRE TO LIVE. I think there is a difference. The reason I can give you that I continue to live, IS TO GIVE CONSOLING THOUGHTS, HUMOR, AND CARE ATTITUDE TO OTHERS IN THIS GROUP. If I sound like contracdictorary it is because I'am just have NO SELF WORTH at times. Enough of rambling on here today. Jeanne Betters wrote: Hi , I will definitely look that up some time this week when things here settle down. I completely understand the pain. I was in no way trying to make light of that. Please try to remember, though, that you are VERY important to Kathy and Reba. And the biggest thing you could ever do to let them down would be to end your life. Maybe your suffering is far more than anyone should bear. I haven't known anyone with NS other than this group, but I have had family, friends and contacts who have suffered with cancer and believe me, I do understand the compassion and mercy that fills one's heart when a loved one suffers. But you have to remember that when you lose all hope, you also rob those who love you of hope. If your wife or child were in that situation, OF COURSE it would be unbearable to see them suffer. But if you lived through them ending their lives, that would devastate you. I have had a number of people in my life take theirs. It not only kills the one who ends his or her life, it also kills part of the people they leave behind. I don't ever want to suffer in the way you do. It's horrifying. But please try to hold sight of the fact that your life impacts your wife, your daughter, your friends, family, confidantes, support friends - everyone. I even realize as I type this that you may think I'm minimizing your experience or in some way trying to rob you of the right to express your frustration and feelings. That is the farthest thing from the truth. You have every right to be pissed off, to stop wanting to try anymore. But giving up is a lot more than the moment that you so do. And it effects everyone. I would rather have you email me and lash out a million times than ever end your life. You are not dumb nor are you stupid. You have been pushed to the brink with your suffering. But all I can think of is the remarkable fact that you endured instead of giving up. You're still here. You and Kathy survived the hellish experience way back before NS. And I'm sure if I could sit down with her and Reba face-to-face, they would tell me of your courage and strength and I'd hear about their compassion for the suffering you endure. Kathy loves you, - she's still with you. She didn't bail. And Reba has her daddy. How many kids can say they have their Mom and Dad and that they are still together? That is no failure . I've been married 17+ years and I can tell you sometimes that is even more stressful than being sick. That is an ACCOMPLISHMENT. And I'd bet a million to one that you are not a failure in their eyes, but rather an inspiration. You are not alone if you feel guilty about the burden you put on your family because you aren't what you want to be or what anyone expected you to be. But when it comes down to brass tacks, they'd rather have you and have you imperfect than lose you and never have the opportunity to hear your voice again, to see your smile, or to listen to you lose your cool. People are not disposable. And families fall apart because we lose trust in what they are vs. what we feel they should be. Your worth is not measured by success, money or what you can or cannot do. Your worth is measured by the fact that you are here and what you bring into the lives of those who love you. Your worth is found in a smile and that sweet :As long as you do the very best you can with the resources that are bestowed upon you: as long as you can say "I love you" with your eyes; as long as you can still show compassion to someone else who needs your support, well, I think you've got an awful lot going for you."eye-sparkle" when your daughter comes home with a special card she made you. Your worth is found in the arms of your wife who still turns to you for strength a when she can't handle something big on her own. Your worth is found in the laughter shared with friends, the special gifts and your random acts of kindness to those who you love most. Your worth is found in the memories that you can record on tape for your daughter to pass on to her children. Your worth is found in your character, your desire to do good, to do the right thing as often as humanly possible. Your worth is your legacy that you leave to your family once you have been long gone. As long as you do the very best you can with the resources that are bestowed upon you: as long as you can say "I love you" with your eyes; as long as you can still show compassion to someone else who needs your support, well, I think you've got an awful lot going for you.Just because you can't do what you want in the way in which you want to do it, doesn't mean that it isn't important or that.. It's always about quality rather than quantity, too. All the other things - the stress of having no money to pay bills or put food on the table or to get that special toy your child really, really wants for Christmas... It's all important. And you'd probably fall over in shock to know just how many people are affected by this. You don't hear about it often because people are too embarrassed to expose themselves to criticism - whatever that criticism may be (screw 'em anyways), and whether it be just or unjust. But Welfare isn't something to be ashamed of, either. It's original intent was to help people survive during difficult economic situations. Granted, it's gotten out of hand a little bit, but there is absolutely no shame in accepting assistance when you need it. You are a good man, . Nobody deserves to go through what you're suffering. I wish I could take all your pain away, . I can't imagine what you've been through and what you are now suffering. Please don't ever think that I am trying to minimalize your suffering or situation. Just please remember I am always here to be your friend, to support you and to pray for you and your family. Thanks for sharing everything! A big hug to you - Jeannie Today a counselor told me that it's not the tangible things that you give to others, but rather the time you spend with them that matters. ARY WOOLARD wrote: Jeannie, I know you are new to this group. I've been with this group since Aug. 2004. I did leave twice though for awhile. Yes I have had suicidal thoughts three time periods lasting about a week to 10 days each one since this period I originally was with this group. These were "just thoughts" of just "kicking the bucket", and I didn't try to end it all in any of this time period. Only once, and you and probility all here would say once is TOO many times to actually attempt suicide. I did this one and only time in my life in the parking lot of a Meijer retail store in December 1987. I had in mind that day was go see a movie at Studio 28 Movie Theater Complex (first one with 20 movie screens) and then go to a store buy some sleepin pills and just do it. was dumb and stupid (is there a difference?) to do this. Why, why did I have in my mind to do this? It was because I was so depressed that this manufacturing company I was working at was going out of business. This was G.R. Manufacturing, Inc. but they also were more known as Kelvinator, Inc. They were an oven, range, and earlier years a mircowave, and chest style freezer appliance manufacturer. I was getting $9.99 an hour with Blue Cross/Blue Shield ins. We had the U.A.W. union there for the hourly employees. So we made appliances for companies like Sears, Wards, General Electric, Tappan, Magic Chef, Westinghouse amoung the ones I remember. Anyway I was just depressed at the time because of only having just a low paying part time job of $3.85 hour about 24 hours a week. Minimun wage at that time was $3.35. Kathy my wife was not working, she was being a stay at home housewife and Reba our daughter was 9 years old then. Kathy could have working, but she didn't have a good education and little/amost none work history. We end up going on welfare for awhile. Yes, all said and done, people would think this situation in your life made you try to do yourself end. I didn't have medical problems then. I had seasonal algeries and this Peptic Ulcer Disease going on and basically that was it in health status I had. Move rapidly up to these past few years, actually at times I've been more depressed then back in Dec. 1987. Family issues, health, and just general living stuff. But alot of folks here have had or now have these things going on. At times I said I would take on anyone's Sarcoidosis in a heartbeat if I could. Why? Because I have felt like I've been a failure as a husband to Kathy, failure as a dad to Reba, failure in having stability in employment in all those years (1979-to perhaps the present), failure in having love towards some family members (regardless of having verbal abuse from time to time from 2 if not 4 of them), failure of having friends, failure of having Faith In God now that is just about none. Now with physical pain I should have some strong pain reliever drug. People have said that you should take anit-depressive drugs for your physical pain. Whatever, but to slow down and better is to try to stop the source. What? Shrink those sarcoid lesions if all said and done they are in my legs & knees to they have LESS INFLAMMATARYNESS GOING ON THERE. Jeannie, this is long e-mail I know. But just look up MUSCLE ATROPY on your computer. This is why Sarcoidonians have progress to using a can, then walker, then wheelchair/motorize scooter. I have a gut feeling this is going now. My legs are just weak and arms too but lessor amount. Jeanne Betters wrote: Oh, ! Your email broke my heart! I know how awful the run around can be. If it weren't for these loving people in this group, I'd probably be a LOT worse off emotionally than I am. And I care what happens to you. I care about you. I need you to be here because when I fall, I want to know that the person who helps catch me is someone who really understands and who faced the demons and made it through. If you end it all, it would not only be taking away your hope, but many of ours, too. You need to find your will to fight this, . I am sure that most of you are far worse off than I am at this point in the game. I am sure that my small sufferings are no where near yours. But I am also sure that maybe you don't have the money for alcohol and sleeping pills because you are meant to be here - with us. I am so sorry that you are feeling this way. I am so sorry that you are at the edge of the wall looking down. You are very VERY important to all of us. And the "use of doing anything" is because we all have this miserable disease and maybe if you don't give up, we won't give up and someday they'll have a breakthrough that will help us and possibly save future generations - our relatives, friends, you name who - from having to go through this! Please don't let what you have said set in your mind and fester. You are so much more than that. I know we can lose sight and our doctors infuriate and even intimidate us. But we're not alone in the fight. We have each other! I don't want to lose you, and I don't want you to lose heart. I will tuck you safely in my "happy thoughts" as the politcally correct term goes. You are loved, you are significant and you are strong and you can beat the heat of the moment. One step at a time, my friend. Just one small step. I'm here to spiritually hold your hand through it, if you'll let me. Please don't think those thoughts. They can't possibly help you get to a better place emotionally OR physically! My poor friend... We ALL spiral out of control and downward once in a while. I think we have earned the right even. Well, sort of. You've got to let the hands that reach out to you hold you up through this. This too, shall pass. The sun always comes back out after the storm. Hugs, Jeannie GARY WOOLARD wrote: Rose, I don't have any "handle". Actually the only C'ber code I know is 10-4 (over & out). Rose, I'am not doing good again emotionally & mentally. Not because I was awaken at 5:00 a.m. this morning in a "lodger" building here at the Battle Creek V.A. Hospital complex. Now waiting in this bldg. #2 lobby for about an hour to go down to Ann Arbor V.A. Hospital for my eye doc appt. I "reverse" direction by comming back here, stay overnight again to tomorrow morning, and then back to G.R. Have you ever got an "run around" by some medical doctor? This "quote unquote" bastard rhemy doctor I seen just makes me to have apathy towards life about anything. I'AM SO DISCUSTED WITH THIS MORON THAT I WISH I NEVER WENT INTO THE MILITARY IN THE FIRST PLACE SO NOW IN MY LIFE I WOULDN'T HAVE TO GO THROUGH PATHIC MEDICAL CARE ATTITUDE BY A RHEMY DOC AS I HAD SEEN. Don't you think Tracie be so upset that sometime in her past sarcoid years that she had problems like in her lungs and a lung doc didn't do a damm thing? Likewise of anyone else in this group that have had medical problems and NOTHING, NOTHING was done, PERIOD!!!!!!!!!!!! Only if I had MONEY again. I could go buy alcohol & sleepin pills. SAME "OL", SAME "OL". Yeah, I had in mind to pursue medical tests, treatment, etc. just like Tracie, and yourself TOLD ME different times to do, and I HAD THIS FRAME OF MIND when I went and seen this rhemy doc. What do I get????????? Same "OL" do nothing crap from this V.A. doc. Too nice of a thing that this bastard is assinated. This pain in my knees right now while writing this is bad enough that I could be taking something stronger than that Darocvet Addictive Narcotic Painkiller I took back in 2002. Then to thing this IDIOT RHEMY DOC said I should be taking ANTI-DEPRESSIVE DRUGS!!!!!!!!!!!! I told him, part of my depression is have to PUT UP WITH THIS PAIN IN MY KNEES & LEGS DAY AFTER DAY AFTER DAY. Tracie & yourself have put this ENCOURAGEMENT in time after time for people and in myself for what????????????? TO NOT GIVE UP, PERIOD, NO MATTER WHAT LIKE I SEE MENTALLY THAT TRACIE WAS FACING BEING ON LUNG TRANSPLANT LISTING AND DIE IF SHE DIDN'T BE ABLE TO TAKE THAT REMICAID DRUG. This SENSE of determination by her and yourself finally was being instilled in my mental process likewise now only this thing with this idiot rhemy doc just stop altogether. I said in a e-mail that I'll try to resolve this. I just feel like "throw in the towel sydrome" again. What's the use of doing anything about everything? Bye now from rambling Rose wrote: Hey, , what was your handle? I wasn't real big into CB, but my husband was. We had a little Opal car & he put these giant antennae on each side of the rear end. It looked ridiculus, like a huge bug. We drove that thing from Dallas to Indianapolis, and you know we got a lot of comments! , I copy you. Ramblin' Rose Moderator Reply-To: Neurosarcoidosis To: Neurosarcoidosis Subject: Re: Re: Date: Sat, 29 Apr 2006 11:23:17 -0700 (PDT) Terri, I weigh at the peak weight for me at 194 lbs. back in Dec. 2001. This was in that time period when I found out something that was going on in my lungs. From Aug. 2001 until I was diagnois of Sarcoidosis in Jan. 2002. Anyway I had steadly and gradually lost weight from this peak weight that I ever was in my life of 194 lbs down to 172 lbs by December the following year (2001). I didn't do any exercise, running, nothing. Oh if you call walking from our 2 story apartment down to the parking lot where my car was or in the reverse way and going to and from a store from the store parking lot then I guess that's exercise. I gain a little back to about 180 lbs. I have occassionly eaten some of those donuts you mentioned. When we are over in the area where we do this paperoute in Kentwood, there is a shell gas station that sells these donuts inside there. They also have a Subway sandwich deli there too. Terri, those characters such as the one you had at the end of your e-mail are cute as ever!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! That character would be a example if I got OVERINDOLGED IN EATING THOSE CRITTER DONUTS in myself looking like that. 10-4 (y'all are too young to know about c'ber talk except for Darlene, Ron, and Rose aren't you???) mosaicgirl1 wrote: , You are so funny! I usually pick the side kicks too but Al was not one of my choices I assure you, but to each his own. I like a man with meat - I do not usually don't go for the skinny man, I like one with a little meat. What did my husband do? He went and lost 25 pounds. Do you think he is trying to send me a message? BTW, I am about 45 lbs overweight myself but I did just start weight watchers. The picture below is me eating my favorite: Krispy Creme donuts. Hee Hee. Terri G. >> > Thanks for the update on Doc tv show. I can't afford> cable & I'm too far from Louisville to pick it up on> "poor peoples" tv as we call it in my family. LOL As> far as the hunky man my idea of a hunky tv man was AL> on Tool TIme! I'm a chubby chaser & he could fix the> stuff around the house I broke. LOL> > > > grannylunatic@...> > __________________________________________________> Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted May 14, 2006 Report Share Posted May 14, 2006 Rose, I'am here at this Wyoming City Library here one this Sunday afternoon, 2:40 p.m. E.S.T. Rose, I'AM NOT UPSET AT JEANNE OR ANYONE ELSE. Oh I know she means well and she and other "Newer" people don't know each person's story perhaps. But it's like sometimes I have felt exsarsperated or just "burned out" going over things that has happened in the course of my life. Sometimes I tell people about these things such as this Sarcoidosis and people are disintersted, bored, or they say I don't want to hear about that. I don't know Jeanne's story myself. Whether she is married, divorce, have kids, have grandkids, what age she is and so on. One thing mentally though I should do when I come writing into this group is to Salute and give a Bow mentally that is in my mind towards Jeanne, Terri, Kim, , Marla, Ron, Matt, and yourself because of offering advise in dealing with "family issues". I've been reading & writing "things" with the Classmates.com message boards since Janurary of this year. I found out that I'am streching myself "thin" because of time restrants (only 90 minutes a day here on these library computers) to read & write in both of these formats. In this "chat room" is it like a bunch of hens hacking all over the place????????? Okay, skip the jokes today. Speaking of jokes/humor, I seen that monkey thing on your e-mail. But I didn't click on that playing mode because in the library is suppose to be quiet. This monkey or chimp reminds me of this magnetic stickem thing you put on a refridgitor door whe have in our apartment. This chimp says, "I diagnally parked in a parrallel univserse"!!!!!!!!!!! He is like me, going nowhere at all, slow, or fast. Rose, most people in this group I think know that you are divorce. I believe you said you and Allan left each other on peaceful terms. Do you see him anymore? Does he visit his "grown up" kids and grandkids and does things with them? He may have become a "pain in the neck" and wasn't the husband/father he should have been. But from reading things from you, detoriation of your marriage years ago doesn't seem to be your fault at all. Anyway you and everyone else knows that things such as divorce, health problems, death of a family member happens. This is just situations of living/life that anyone can go through. I TELL YA, ANY OF THESE WOMEN IN THIS GROUP THAT THEIR HUSBANDS WOULD LEAVE THEM, HAS TO BE THE MOST DUMB & DUMBER THING THAT A MAN COULD EVER DO IN THE HISTORY OF THIS PLANET!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I found out from medical reports that were printed at the V.A. clinic from the lung doctor one, that I have "mild to severe C.O.P.D. (cronic obstructive pulmonary (lung) disease)". Tracie, may very well has very severe C.O.P.D. because she has to use an oxygen tank. Mental Health clinic from the V.A. had printed their reports of what I said to an counslor. Kathy was very upset and angry at me. This was because I told the counslor that I had wished I would have a disability (probility will lead to this anyway) income, then I could move out of our apartment, a place of my own, and get a divorce. I should have read these reports before Kathy went through them, and store them away so she probility wouldn't find them. Oh well, another OPPS in my life! Happy Mother's Day and all these gals (not guys) with this group. By now for today. We have a Chuck Roast cooking in the oven for this afternoon. Rose wrote: , I'm butting in again here. One problem with this type of group is that new people are always joining, and it takes quite awhile, if ever, for them to catch up on others' stories. Heck, even some of us who've been here for years, like yours truly, get the stories mixed up. I've tried to think of a way that those who were willing could post their story; then the new folks could go to that link & learn a little about us. That would also save us from having to re-tell our story so many times. Does anyone else have a thought on this, yes or no? Ramblin' Rose Moderator Reply-To: Neurosarcoidosis To: Neurosarcoidosis Subject: Re: Re: / email to RoseDate: Sat, 13 May 2006 13:45:39 -0700 (PDT) Jeanne, This last response that you written about going to shelters is something I knew about years ago. Mel Trotter Mission and Lighthouse Mission imediatelly south of downtown Grand Rapids are two missions in this area that I'am aware of. I knew this fact for years. No I'am not going to any mission just to get away from Kathy. That doesn't make NO SENSE AT ALL. Why should I TRY TO SLEEP in a place with 40, 60 men or whatever amount that alot of them SNORE, and alot of them are alcohoics & drug addicts? When I have to put up with JUST ONE PERSON THAT SNORES, NAMELY KATHY. In these type of places, a person goes to the restroom and then comes back to your bed/cot and you find your possesions stolen. Jeanne, Jeanne, Jeanne, I think you mean well in writing all about this, but you were just rehashing this line of thinking that others wrote about going back these about 20 months now that I've associated with this group. I'am not upset with you. But you wrote about this and this is nothing new to me. This suicidal thoughts that I HAVE HAD, were just that, thoughts. I don't have that now. But it was about 3 different times now in this 20 month period. I think you misunderstood me to think I have this on going now or have been constandly for months or even years. At times I've said I take on anyone's sarcoid or all on upon myself. Yes at times I said this was because of being depressed. But this last year if I said this was because of my way of showing LOVE to another person or persons collectively. JUST LIKE MARY S. WHEN SHE HAS "HUGS" PRINTED AT THE END OF HER E-MAIL, THIS IS HER WAY OF SHOWING THIS TOWARDS OTHERS. Bye, Jeanne Betters wrote: Hi , I don't know if you realize this, but you don't have to wait for disability income to change your life. There are places people can go when they are in unhappy, unhealthy homes and haven't anywhere else to go nor the wherewithal to take care of themselves: homeless shelters. Usually YMCA is a good place to start for direction - even if they can't help you, they will probably know who can. And shelters usually even like it when you work (it's usually mandatory to staying there), so you won't have to give up your route. You don't pay a dime to stay there, but rather just do some chores and follow their rules, play nice, stuff like that. Usually you will have anywhere from 30 - 90 days to stay, during which time they will work with you on getting the services and counseling you need to get on with your life (they'll even help you and Kathy if you want to try to make things better between you). No matter what, you don't have to get a divorce to remove yourself from a situation that is eating you up inside. You sound like you could really use a breather. There's no shame in going to a shelter - it's there to help you weather the storm. Sick or well, stress like what you describe will kill you before any disease will. You have nothing to lose by going there for a while. I guess at some point or other everyone has had a suicidal thought. I'm glad in your case it's just a thought. But please try to understand: you can't pour out your misery and expect caring people, who are also suffering, to turn away and ignore your pain. You can't talk about having suicidal thoughts and expect people to ignore you. Your words were very upsetting to me, and I reacted to them in the best way I knew how. I've lost a handful of people in my life to suicide, and I've learned to believe the signs and not ignore them; not take them for granted. By "just putting it out there" -even if you mean to do nothing but blow off steam - you're going to evoke a reaction, . I truly am sorry if my reaction offended you; but you frightened me. I didn't mean to offend at all, and I'll do my best not to let that happen again. I guess I just don't understand why anyone would share something like that or anything else about themselves if they didn't want people to care. Reaching out is a good thing. It's kind of like being at the end of your rope and tying a knot. I totally understand that you don't need any more pressure - not from your Dad (who is wrong - this disease is most definitely not all in your head), not from anyone, including me. You most certainly don't owe me any caring or concern or a reason to press on. I would not have said anything remotely like that had I realized how my words would have been received. I shouldn't have put that kind of pressure on you, and most certainly didn't mean to. You're right, I don't know you. 'Sorry for jumping in like that. I get the message. I'll back off. Peace, Jeannie GARY WOOLARD wrote: Jeanne, Basically Jeanne your lenghtly reply is nothing new to me. I read before of replys of what you have written from Joan, Rose, that I do remember and perhaps from when she was writing into this thing here. Either you just don't understand what I had written since you've been with this group or just don't know the facts. IN DAYS, KATHY AND MYSELF WILL HAVE BEEN MARRIED FOR 29 YEARS. Reba our daughter is not a child no more for years. She turned 28 years old herself as of this past February. Yet like days like today, working on these paperoutes in Kentwood with at times the rain was raining hard with gusts of wind to about 45 m.p.h. and putting up with this Kathy and she putting up with me, no wonder I have said & thought the things in the past. IT'S LIKE GETTING THE OTHER SIDE OF THE UNIVERSE IS NOT FAR AWAY FROM KATHY. GOING BACK IN TIME SO THE SEQUENCE OF EVENTS TAKE PLACE DIFFERENTLY BEFORE GOD CREATED HIMSELF IS NOT FAR ENOUGH TO GO BACK IN TIME TO HAVE THIS DONE. THERE I SAID IT. THIS SPEAKS FOR ITSELF. It's only has been in the HUNDREDS OF TIMES that I have wished that this Sarcoidosis get REAL BAD then I could collect disability income. Then I could move out of this apartment, get my own apartment & live by myself, take care of having a divorce, move out of this state FOR GOOD, and then NEVER EVER telephone, write, e-mail the rest of my family PERIOD FOR AS LONG AS I LIVE. NO MORE CRAP, BULL BLANKETY STUFF FROM ANY OF MY FAMILY AGAIN. NO MORE HEARING FROM MY DAD THAT ALL THIS HEALTH STUFF THAT I HAVE SAID TO HIM "IS ALL IN YOUR HEAD, GARY". These suicidal thoughts were JUST THAT, THOUGHTS that I have had those 3 different time periods dating back to August, 2004. Jeannie, like I've said before in this group before you, Connie, , Terri, Janet, Ruth, and Dot the ones I can think of that joined this group; having the worst of this Sarcoidosis, cancer, or unrelated heart attack is NO BIG DEAL TO ME. Do I feel/think this way 24 hours a day 7 days a week, week after week, no I don't. In a intermitten way like symptoms of sarcoid arthristis in my left foot and lower leg today. Stays for awhile and go away for various amounts of intensity & duration. As far as getting a divorce I have NO SOURCE OF MONEY, LEGAL (savings, stocks, bonds, etc.) or ILLEGAL (selling illegal drugs). All my so call possesions is only around $200 to $400 in worth. No money for a divorce, to live on, pay my personal bills, recretation, etc. You CAN'T GIVE ME A REASON TO CONTINUE TO LIVE ANOTHER DAY AT TIMES. BUT I CAN, I CAN GIVE YOU AND EVERONE ELSE A REASON TO PRESS ON AND TO DESIRE TO LIVE. I think there is a difference. The reason I can give you that I continue to live, IS TO GIVE CONSOLING THOUGHTS, HUMOR, AND CARE ATTITUDE TO OTHERS IN THIS GROUP. If I sound like contracdictorary it is because I'am just have NO SELF WORTH at times. Enough of rambling on here today. Jeanne Betters wrote: Hi , I will definitely look that up some time this week when things here settle down. I completely understand the pain. I was in no way trying to make light of that. Please try to remember, though, that you are VERY important to Kathy and Reba. And the biggest thing you could ever do to let them down would be to end your life. Maybe your suffering is far more than anyone should bear. I haven't known anyone with NS other than this group, but I have had family, friends and contacts who have suffered with cancer and believe me, I do understand the compassion and mercy that fills one's heart when a loved one suffers. But you have to remember that when you lose all hope, you also rob those who love you of hope. If your wife or child were in that situation, OF COURSE it would be unbearable to see them suffer. But if you lived through them ending their lives, that would devastate you. I have had a number of people in my life take theirs. It not only kills the one who ends his or her life, it also kills part of the people they leave behind. I don't ever want to suffer in the way you do. It's horrifying. But please try to hold sight of the fact that your life impacts your wife, your daughter, your friends, family, confidantes, support friends - everyone. I even realize as I type this that you may think I'm minimizing your experience or in some way trying to rob you of the right to express your frustration and feelings. That is the farthest thing from the truth. You have every right to be pissed off, to stop wanting to try anymore. But giving up is a lot more than the moment that you so do. And it effects everyone. I would rather have you email me and lash out a million times than ever end your life. You are not dumb nor are you stupid. You have been pushed to the brink with your suffering. But all I can think of is the remarkable fact that you endured instead of giving up. You're still here. You and Kathy survived the hellish experience way back before NS. And I'm sure if I could sit down with her and Reba face-to-face, they would tell me of your courage and strength and I'd hear about their compassion for the suffering you endure. Kathy loves you, - she's still with you. She didn't bail. And Reba has her daddy. How many kids can say they have their Mom and Dad and that they are still together? That is no failure . I've been married 17+ years and I can tell you sometimes that is even more stressful than being sick. That is an ACCOMPLISHMENT. And I'd bet a million to one that you are not a failure in their eyes, but rather an inspiration. You are not alone if you feel guilty about the burden you put on your family because you aren't what you want to be or what anyone expected you to be. But when it comes down to brass tacks, they'd rather have you and have you imperfect than lose you and never have the opportunity to hear your voice again, to see your smile, or to listen to you lose your cool. People are not disposable. And families fall apart because we lose trust in what they are vs. what we feel they should be. Your worth is not measured by success, money or what you can or cannot do. Your worth is measured by the fact that you are here and what you bring into the lives of those who love you. Your worth is found in a smile and that sweet :As long as you do the very best you can with the resources that are bestowed upon you: as long as you can say "I love you" with your eyes; as long as you can still show compassion to someone else who needs your support, well, I think you've got an awful lot going for you."eye-sparkle" when your daughter comes home with a special card she made you. Your worth is found in the arms of your wife who still turns to you for strength a when she can't handle something big on her own. Your worth is found in the laughter shared with friends, the special gifts and your random acts of kindness to those who you love most. Your worth is found in the memories that you can record on tape for your daughter to pass on to her children. Your worth is found in your character, your desire to do good, to do the right thing as often as humanly possible. Your worth is your legacy that you leave to your family once you have been long gone. As long as you do the very best you can with the resources that are bestowed upon you: as long as you can say "I love you" with your eyes; as long as you can still show compassion to someone else who needs your support, well, I think you've got an awful lot going for you.Just because you can't do what you want in the way in which you want to do it, doesn't mean that it isn't important or that.. It's always about quality rather than quantity, too. All the other things - the stress of having no money to pay bills or put food on the table or to get that special toy your child really, really wants for Christmas... It's all important. And you'd probably fall over in shock to know just how many people are affected by this. You don't hear about it often because people are too embarrassed to expose themselves to criticism - whatever that criticism may be (screw 'em anyways), and whether it be just or unjust. But Welfare isn't something to be ashamed of, either. It's original intent was to help people survive during difficult economic situations. Granted, it's gotten out of hand a little bit, but there is absolutely no shame in accepting assistance when you need it. You are a good man, . Nobody deserves to go through what you're suffering. I wish I could take all your pain away, . I can't imagine what you've been through and what you are now suffering. Please don't ever think that I am trying to minimalize your suffering or situation. Just please remember I am always here to be your friend, to support you and to pray for you and your family. Thanks for sharing everything! A big hug to you - Jeannie Today a counselor told me that it's not the tangible things that you give to others, but rather the time you spend with them that matters. ARY WOOLARD wrote: Jeannie, I know you are new to this group. I've been with this group since Aug. 2004. I did leave twice though for awhile. Yes I have had suicidal thoughts three time periods lasting about a week to 10 days each one since this period I originally was with this group. These were "just thoughts" of just "kicking the bucket", and I didn't try to end it all in any of this time period. Only once, and you and probility all here would say once is TOO many times to actually attempt suicide. I did this one and only time in my life in the parking lot of a Meijer retail store in December 1987. I had in mind that day was go see a movie at Studio 28 Movie Theater Complex (first one with 20 movie screens) and then go to a store buy some sleepin pills and just do it. was dumb and stupid (is there a difference?) to do this. Why, why did I have in my mind to do this? It was because I was so depressed that this manufacturing company I was working at was going out of business. This was G.R. Manufacturing, Inc. but they also were more known as Kelvinator, Inc. They were an oven, range, and earlier years a mircowave, and chest style freezer appliance manufacturer. I was getting $9.99 an hour with Blue Cross/Blue Shield ins. We had the U.A.W. union there for the hourly employees. So we made appliances for companies like Sears, Wards, General Electric, Tappan, Magic Chef, Westinghouse amoung the ones I remember. Anyway I was just depressed at the time because of only having just a low paying part time job of $3.85 hour about 24 hours a week. Minimun wage at that time was $3.35. Kathy my wife was not working, she was being a stay at home housewife and Reba our daughter was 9 years old then. Kathy could have working, but she didn't have a good education and little/amost none work history. We end up going on welfare for awhile. Yes, all said and done, people would think this situation in your life made you try to do yourself end. I didn't have medical problems then. I had seasonal algeries and this Peptic Ulcer Disease going on and basically that was it in health status I had. Move rapidly up to these past few years, actually at times I've been more depressed then back in Dec. 1987. Family issues, health, and just general living stuff. But alot of folks here have had or now have these things going on. At times I said I would take on anyone's Sarcoidosis in a heartbeat if I could. Why? Because I have felt like I've been a failure as a husband to Kathy, failure as a dad to Reba, failure in having stability in employment in all those years (1979-to perhaps the present), failure in having love towards some family members (regardless of having verbal abuse from time to time from 2 if not 4 of them), failure of having friends, failure of having Faith In God now that is just about none. Now with physical pain I should have some strong pain reliever drug. People have said that you should take anit-depressive drugs for your physical pain. Whatever, but to slow down and better is to try to stop the source. What? Shrink those sarcoid lesions if all said and done they are in my legs & knees to they have LESS INFLAMMATARYNESS GOING ON THERE. Jeannie, this is long e-mail I know. But just look up MUSCLE ATROPY on your computer. This is why Sarcoidonians have progress to using a can, then walker, then wheelchair/motorize scooter. I have a gut feeling this is going now. My legs are just weak and arms too but lessor amount. Jeanne Betters wrote: Oh, ! Your email broke my heart! I know how awful the run around can be. If it weren't for these loving people in this group, I'd probably be a LOT worse off emotionally than I am. And I care what happens to you. I care about you. I need you to be here because when I fall, I want to know that the person who helps catch me is someone who really understands and who faced the demons and made it through. If you end it all, it would not only be taking away your hope, but many of ours, too. You need to find your will to fight this, . I am sure that most of you are far worse off than I am at this point in the game. I am sure that my small sufferings are no where near yours. But I am also sure that maybe you don't have the money for alcohol and sleeping pills because you are meant to be here - with us. I am so sorry that you are feeling this way. I am so sorry that you are at the edge of the wall looking down. You are very VERY important to all of us. And the "use of doing anything" is because we all have this miserable disease and maybe if you don't give up, we won't give up and someday they'll have a breakthrough that will help us and possibly save future generations - our relatives, friends, you name who - from having to go through this! Please don't let what you have said set in your mind and fester. You are so much more than that. I know we can lose sight and our doctors infuriate and even intimidate us. But we're not alone in the fight. We have each other! I don't want to lose you, and I don't want you to lose heart. I will tuck you safely in my "happy thoughts" as the politcally correct term goes. You are loved, you are significant and you are strong and you can beat the heat of the moment. One step at a time, my friend. Just one small step. I'm here to spiritually hold your hand through it, if you'll let me. Please don't think those thoughts. They can't possibly help you get to a better place emotionally OR physically! My poor friend... We ALL spiral out of control and downward once in a while. I think we have earned the right even. Well, sort of. You've got to let the hands that reach out to you hold you up through this. This too, shall pass. The sun always comes back out after the storm. Hugs, Jeannie GARY WOOLARD wrote: Rose, I don't have any "handle". Actually the only C'ber code I know is 10-4 (over & out). Rose, I'am not doing good again emotionally & mentally. Not because I was awaken at 5:00 a.m. this morning in a "lodger" building here at the Battle Creek V.A. Hospital complex. Now waiting in this bldg. #2 lobby for about an hour to go down to Ann Arbor V.A. Hospital for my eye doc appt. I "reverse" direction by comming back here, stay overnight again to tomorrow morning, and then back to G.R. Have you ever got an "run around" by some medical doctor? This "quote unquote" bastard rhemy doctor I seen just makes me to have apathy towards life about anything. I'AM SO DISCUSTED WITH THIS MORON THAT I WISH I NEVER WENT INTO THE MILITARY IN THE FIRST PLACE SO NOW IN MY LIFE I WOULDN'T HAVE TO GO THROUGH PATHIC MEDICAL CARE ATTITUDE BY A RHEMY DOC AS I HAD SEEN. Don't you think Tracie be so upset that sometime in her past sarcoid years that she had problems like in her lungs and a lung doc didn't do a damm thing? Likewise of anyone else in this group that have had medical problems and NOTHING, NOTHING was done, PERIOD!!!!!!!!!!!! Only if I had MONEY again. I could go buy alcohol & sleepin pills. SAME "OL", SAME "OL". Yeah, I had in mind to pursue medical tests, treatment, etc. just like Tracie, and yourself TOLD ME different times to do, and I HAD THIS FRAME OF MIND when I went and seen this rhemy doc. What do I get????????? Same "OL" do nothing crap from this V.A. doc. Too nice of a thing that this bastard is assinated. This pain in my knees right now while writing this is bad enough that I could be taking something stronger than that Darocvet Addictive Narcotic Painkiller I took back in 2002. Then to thing this IDIOT RHEMY DOC said I should be taking ANTI-DEPRESSIVE DRUGS!!!!!!!!!!!! I told him, part of my depression is have to PUT UP WITH THIS PAIN IN MY KNEES & LEGS DAY AFTER DAY AFTER DAY. Tracie & yourself have put this ENCOURAGEMENT in time after time for people and in myself for what????????????? TO NOT GIVE UP, PERIOD, NO MATTER WHAT LIKE I SEE MENTALLY THAT TRACIE WAS FACING BEING ON LUNG TRANSPLANT LISTING AND DIE IF SHE DIDN'T BE ABLE TO TAKE THAT REMICAID DRUG. This SENSE of determination by her and yourself finally was being instilled in my mental process likewise now only this thing with this idiot rhemy doc just stop altogether. I said in a e-mail that I'll try to resolve this. I just feel like "throw in the towel sydrome" again. What's the use of doing anything about everything? Bye now from rambling Rose wrote: Hey, , what was your handle? I wasn't real big into CB, but my husband was. We had a little Opal car & he put these giant antennae on each side of the rear end. It looked ridiculus, like a huge bug. We drove that thing from Dallas to Indianapolis, and you know we got a lot of comments! , I copy you. Ramblin' Rose Moderator Reply-To: Neurosarcoidosis To: Neurosarcoidosis Subject: Re: Re: Date: Sat, 29 Apr 2006 11:23:17 -0700 (PDT) Terri, I weigh at the peak weight for me at 194 lbs. back in Dec. 2001. This was in that time period when I found out something that was going on in my lungs. From Aug. 2001 until I was diagnois of Sarcoidosis in Jan. 2002. Anyway I had steadly and gradually lost weight from this peak weight that I ever was in my life of 194 lbs down to 172 lbs by December the following year (2001). I didn't do any exercise, running, nothing. Oh if you call walking from our 2 story apartment down to the parking lot where my car was or in the reverse way and going to and from a store from the store parking lot then I guess that's exercise. I gain a little back to about 180 lbs. I have occassionly eaten some of those donuts you mentioned. When we are over in the area where we do this paperoute in Kentwood, there is a shell gas station that sells these donuts inside there. They also have a Subway sandwich deli there too. Terri, those characters such as the one you had at the end of your e-mail are cute as ever!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! That character would be a example if I got OVERINDOLGED IN EATING THOSE CRITTER DONUTS in myself looking like that. 10-4 (y'all are too young to know about c'ber talk except for Darlene, Ron, and Rose aren't you???) mosaicgirl1 wrote: , You are so funny! I usually pick the side kicks too but Al was not one of my choices I assure you, but to each his own. I like a man with meat - I do not usually don't go for the skinny man, I like one with a little meat. What did my husband do? He went and lost 25 pounds. Do you think he is trying to send me a message? BTW, I am about 45 lbs overweight myself but I did just start weight watchers. The picture below is me eating my favorite: Krispy Creme donuts. Hee Hee. Terri G. >> > Thanks for the update on Doc tv show. I can't afford> cable & I'm too far from Louisville to pick it up on> "poor peoples" tv as we call it in my family. LOL As> far as the hunky man my idea of a hunky tv man was AL> on Tool TIme! I'm a chubby chaser & he could fix the> stuff around the house I broke. LOL> > > > grannylunatic@...> > __________________________________________________> Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted May 14, 2006 Report Share Posted May 14, 2006 Rose, I'am here at this Wyoming City Library here one this Sunday afternoon, 2:40 p.m. E.S.T. Rose, I'AM NOT UPSET AT JEANNE OR ANYONE ELSE. Oh I know she means well and she and other "Newer" people don't know each person's story perhaps. But it's like sometimes I have felt exsarsperated or just "burned out" going over things that has happened in the course of my life. Sometimes I tell people about these things such as this Sarcoidosis and people are disintersted, bored, or they say I don't want to hear about that. I don't know Jeanne's story myself. Whether she is married, divorce, have kids, have grandkids, what age she is and so on. One thing mentally though I should do when I come writing into this group is to Salute and give a Bow mentally that is in my mind towards Jeanne, Terri, Kim, , Marla, Ron, Matt, and yourself because of offering advise in dealing with "family issues". I've been reading & writing "things" with the Classmates.com message boards since Janurary of this year. I found out that I'am streching myself "thin" because of time restrants (only 90 minutes a day here on these library computers) to read & write in both of these formats. In this "chat room" is it like a bunch of hens hacking all over the place????????? Okay, skip the jokes today. Speaking of jokes/humor, I seen that monkey thing on your e-mail. But I didn't click on that playing mode because in the library is suppose to be quiet. This monkey or chimp reminds me of this magnetic stickem thing you put on a refridgitor door whe have in our apartment. This chimp says, "I diagnally parked in a parrallel univserse"!!!!!!!!!!! He is like me, going nowhere at all, slow, or fast. Rose, most people in this group I think know that you are divorce. I believe you said you and Allan left each other on peaceful terms. Do you see him anymore? Does he visit his "grown up" kids and grandkids and does things with them? He may have become a "pain in the neck" and wasn't the husband/father he should have been. But from reading things from you, detoriation of your marriage years ago doesn't seem to be your fault at all. Anyway you and everyone else knows that things such as divorce, health problems, death of a family member happens. This is just situations of living/life that anyone can go through. I TELL YA, ANY OF THESE WOMEN IN THIS GROUP THAT THEIR HUSBANDS WOULD LEAVE THEM, HAS TO BE THE MOST DUMB & DUMBER THING THAT A MAN COULD EVER DO IN THE HISTORY OF THIS PLANET!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I found out from medical reports that were printed at the V.A. clinic from the lung doctor one, that I have "mild to severe C.O.P.D. (cronic obstructive pulmonary (lung) disease)". Tracie, may very well has very severe C.O.P.D. because she has to use an oxygen tank. Mental Health clinic from the V.A. had printed their reports of what I said to an counslor. Kathy was very upset and angry at me. This was because I told the counslor that I had wished I would have a disability (probility will lead to this anyway) income, then I could move out of our apartment, a place of my own, and get a divorce. I should have read these reports before Kathy went through them, and store them away so she probility wouldn't find them. Oh well, another OPPS in my life! Happy Mother's Day and all these gals (not guys) with this group. By now for today. We have a Chuck Roast cooking in the oven for this afternoon. Rose wrote: , I'm butting in again here. One problem with this type of group is that new people are always joining, and it takes quite awhile, if ever, for them to catch up on others' stories. Heck, even some of us who've been here for years, like yours truly, get the stories mixed up. I've tried to think of a way that those who were willing could post their story; then the new folks could go to that link & learn a little about us. That would also save us from having to re-tell our story so many times. Does anyone else have a thought on this, yes or no? Ramblin' Rose Moderator Reply-To: Neurosarcoidosis To: Neurosarcoidosis Subject: Re: Re: / email to RoseDate: Sat, 13 May 2006 13:45:39 -0700 (PDT) Jeanne, This last response that you written about going to shelters is something I knew about years ago. Mel Trotter Mission and Lighthouse Mission imediatelly south of downtown Grand Rapids are two missions in this area that I'am aware of. I knew this fact for years. No I'am not going to any mission just to get away from Kathy. That doesn't make NO SENSE AT ALL. Why should I TRY TO SLEEP in a place with 40, 60 men or whatever amount that alot of them SNORE, and alot of them are alcohoics & drug addicts? When I have to put up with JUST ONE PERSON THAT SNORES, NAMELY KATHY. In these type of places, a person goes to the restroom and then comes back to your bed/cot and you find your possesions stolen. Jeanne, Jeanne, Jeanne, I think you mean well in writing all about this, but you were just rehashing this line of thinking that others wrote about going back these about 20 months now that I've associated with this group. I'am not upset with you. But you wrote about this and this is nothing new to me. This suicidal thoughts that I HAVE HAD, were just that, thoughts. I don't have that now. But it was about 3 different times now in this 20 month period. I think you misunderstood me to think I have this on going now or have been constandly for months or even years. At times I've said I take on anyone's sarcoid or all on upon myself. Yes at times I said this was because of being depressed. But this last year if I said this was because of my way of showing LOVE to another person or persons collectively. JUST LIKE MARY S. WHEN SHE HAS "HUGS" PRINTED AT THE END OF HER E-MAIL, THIS IS HER WAY OF SHOWING THIS TOWARDS OTHERS. Bye, Jeanne Betters wrote: Hi , I don't know if you realize this, but you don't have to wait for disability income to change your life. There are places people can go when they are in unhappy, unhealthy homes and haven't anywhere else to go nor the wherewithal to take care of themselves: homeless shelters. Usually YMCA is a good place to start for direction - even if they can't help you, they will probably know who can. And shelters usually even like it when you work (it's usually mandatory to staying there), so you won't have to give up your route. You don't pay a dime to stay there, but rather just do some chores and follow their rules, play nice, stuff like that. Usually you will have anywhere from 30 - 90 days to stay, during which time they will work with you on getting the services and counseling you need to get on with your life (they'll even help you and Kathy if you want to try to make things better between you). No matter what, you don't have to get a divorce to remove yourself from a situation that is eating you up inside. You sound like you could really use a breather. There's no shame in going to a shelter - it's there to help you weather the storm. Sick or well, stress like what you describe will kill you before any disease will. You have nothing to lose by going there for a while. I guess at some point or other everyone has had a suicidal thought. I'm glad in your case it's just a thought. But please try to understand: you can't pour out your misery and expect caring people, who are also suffering, to turn away and ignore your pain. You can't talk about having suicidal thoughts and expect people to ignore you. Your words were very upsetting to me, and I reacted to them in the best way I knew how. I've lost a handful of people in my life to suicide, and I've learned to believe the signs and not ignore them; not take them for granted. By "just putting it out there" -even if you mean to do nothing but blow off steam - you're going to evoke a reaction, . I truly am sorry if my reaction offended you; but you frightened me. I didn't mean to offend at all, and I'll do my best not to let that happen again. I guess I just don't understand why anyone would share something like that or anything else about themselves if they didn't want people to care. Reaching out is a good thing. It's kind of like being at the end of your rope and tying a knot. I totally understand that you don't need any more pressure - not from your Dad (who is wrong - this disease is most definitely not all in your head), not from anyone, including me. You most certainly don't owe me any caring or concern or a reason to press on. I would not have said anything remotely like that had I realized how my words would have been received. I shouldn't have put that kind of pressure on you, and most certainly didn't mean to. You're right, I don't know you. 'Sorry for jumping in like that. I get the message. I'll back off. Peace, Jeannie GARY WOOLARD wrote: Jeanne, Basically Jeanne your lenghtly reply is nothing new to me. I read before of replys of what you have written from Joan, Rose, that I do remember and perhaps from when she was writing into this thing here. Either you just don't understand what I had written since you've been with this group or just don't know the facts. IN DAYS, KATHY AND MYSELF WILL HAVE BEEN MARRIED FOR 29 YEARS. Reba our daughter is not a child no more for years. She turned 28 years old herself as of this past February. Yet like days like today, working on these paperoutes in Kentwood with at times the rain was raining hard with gusts of wind to about 45 m.p.h. and putting up with this Kathy and she putting up with me, no wonder I have said & thought the things in the past. IT'S LIKE GETTING THE OTHER SIDE OF THE UNIVERSE IS NOT FAR AWAY FROM KATHY. GOING BACK IN TIME SO THE SEQUENCE OF EVENTS TAKE PLACE DIFFERENTLY BEFORE GOD CREATED HIMSELF IS NOT FAR ENOUGH TO GO BACK IN TIME TO HAVE THIS DONE. THERE I SAID IT. THIS SPEAKS FOR ITSELF. It's only has been in the HUNDREDS OF TIMES that I have wished that this Sarcoidosis get REAL BAD then I could collect disability income. Then I could move out of this apartment, get my own apartment & live by myself, take care of having a divorce, move out of this state FOR GOOD, and then NEVER EVER telephone, write, e-mail the rest of my family PERIOD FOR AS LONG AS I LIVE. NO MORE CRAP, BULL BLANKETY STUFF FROM ANY OF MY FAMILY AGAIN. NO MORE HEARING FROM MY DAD THAT ALL THIS HEALTH STUFF THAT I HAVE SAID TO HIM "IS ALL IN YOUR HEAD, GARY". These suicidal thoughts were JUST THAT, THOUGHTS that I have had those 3 different time periods dating back to August, 2004. Jeannie, like I've said before in this group before you, Connie, , Terri, Janet, Ruth, and Dot the ones I can think of that joined this group; having the worst of this Sarcoidosis, cancer, or unrelated heart attack is NO BIG DEAL TO ME. Do I feel/think this way 24 hours a day 7 days a week, week after week, no I don't. In a intermitten way like symptoms of sarcoid arthristis in my left foot and lower leg today. Stays for awhile and go away for various amounts of intensity & duration. As far as getting a divorce I have NO SOURCE OF MONEY, LEGAL (savings, stocks, bonds, etc.) or ILLEGAL (selling illegal drugs). All my so call possesions is only around $200 to $400 in worth. No money for a divorce, to live on, pay my personal bills, recretation, etc. You CAN'T GIVE ME A REASON TO CONTINUE TO LIVE ANOTHER DAY AT TIMES. BUT I CAN, I CAN GIVE YOU AND EVERONE ELSE A REASON TO PRESS ON AND TO DESIRE TO LIVE. I think there is a difference. The reason I can give you that I continue to live, IS TO GIVE CONSOLING THOUGHTS, HUMOR, AND CARE ATTITUDE TO OTHERS IN THIS GROUP. If I sound like contracdictorary it is because I'am just have NO SELF WORTH at times. Enough of rambling on here today. Jeanne Betters wrote: Hi , I will definitely look that up some time this week when things here settle down. I completely understand the pain. I was in no way trying to make light of that. Please try to remember, though, that you are VERY important to Kathy and Reba. And the biggest thing you could ever do to let them down would be to end your life. Maybe your suffering is far more than anyone should bear. I haven't known anyone with NS other than this group, but I have had family, friends and contacts who have suffered with cancer and believe me, I do understand the compassion and mercy that fills one's heart when a loved one suffers. But you have to remember that when you lose all hope, you also rob those who love you of hope. If your wife or child were in that situation, OF COURSE it would be unbearable to see them suffer. But if you lived through them ending their lives, that would devastate you. I have had a number of people in my life take theirs. It not only kills the one who ends his or her life, it also kills part of the people they leave behind. I don't ever want to suffer in the way you do. It's horrifying. But please try to hold sight of the fact that your life impacts your wife, your daughter, your friends, family, confidantes, support friends - everyone. I even realize as I type this that you may think I'm minimizing your experience or in some way trying to rob you of the right to express your frustration and feelings. That is the farthest thing from the truth. You have every right to be pissed off, to stop wanting to try anymore. But giving up is a lot more than the moment that you so do. And it effects everyone. I would rather have you email me and lash out a million times than ever end your life. You are not dumb nor are you stupid. You have been pushed to the brink with your suffering. But all I can think of is the remarkable fact that you endured instead of giving up. You're still here. You and Kathy survived the hellish experience way back before NS. And I'm sure if I could sit down with her and Reba face-to-face, they would tell me of your courage and strength and I'd hear about their compassion for the suffering you endure. Kathy loves you, - she's still with you. She didn't bail. And Reba has her daddy. How many kids can say they have their Mom and Dad and that they are still together? That is no failure . I've been married 17+ years and I can tell you sometimes that is even more stressful than being sick. That is an ACCOMPLISHMENT. And I'd bet a million to one that you are not a failure in their eyes, but rather an inspiration. You are not alone if you feel guilty about the burden you put on your family because you aren't what you want to be or what anyone expected you to be. But when it comes down to brass tacks, they'd rather have you and have you imperfect than lose you and never have the opportunity to hear your voice again, to see your smile, or to listen to you lose your cool. People are not disposable. And families fall apart because we lose trust in what they are vs. what we feel they should be. Your worth is not measured by success, money or what you can or cannot do. Your worth is measured by the fact that you are here and what you bring into the lives of those who love you. Your worth is found in a smile and that sweet :As long as you do the very best you can with the resources that are bestowed upon you: as long as you can say "I love you" with your eyes; as long as you can still show compassion to someone else who needs your support, well, I think you've got an awful lot going for you."eye-sparkle" when your daughter comes home with a special card she made you. Your worth is found in the arms of your wife who still turns to you for strength a when she can't handle something big on her own. Your worth is found in the laughter shared with friends, the special gifts and your random acts of kindness to those who you love most. Your worth is found in the memories that you can record on tape for your daughter to pass on to her children. Your worth is found in your character, your desire to do good, to do the right thing as often as humanly possible. Your worth is your legacy that you leave to your family once you have been long gone. As long as you do the very best you can with the resources that are bestowed upon you: as long as you can say "I love you" with your eyes; as long as you can still show compassion to someone else who needs your support, well, I think you've got an awful lot going for you.Just because you can't do what you want in the way in which you want to do it, doesn't mean that it isn't important or that.. It's always about quality rather than quantity, too. All the other things - the stress of having no money to pay bills or put food on the table or to get that special toy your child really, really wants for Christmas... It's all important. And you'd probably fall over in shock to know just how many people are affected by this. You don't hear about it often because people are too embarrassed to expose themselves to criticism - whatever that criticism may be (screw 'em anyways), and whether it be just or unjust. But Welfare isn't something to be ashamed of, either. It's original intent was to help people survive during difficult economic situations. Granted, it's gotten out of hand a little bit, but there is absolutely no shame in accepting assistance when you need it. You are a good man, . Nobody deserves to go through what you're suffering. I wish I could take all your pain away, . I can't imagine what you've been through and what you are now suffering. Please don't ever think that I am trying to minimalize your suffering or situation. Just please remember I am always here to be your friend, to support you and to pray for you and your family. Thanks for sharing everything! A big hug to you - Jeannie Today a counselor told me that it's not the tangible things that you give to others, but rather the time you spend with them that matters. ARY WOOLARD wrote: Jeannie, I know you are new to this group. I've been with this group since Aug. 2004. I did leave twice though for awhile. Yes I have had suicidal thoughts three time periods lasting about a week to 10 days each one since this period I originally was with this group. These were "just thoughts" of just "kicking the bucket", and I didn't try to end it all in any of this time period. Only once, and you and probility all here would say once is TOO many times to actually attempt suicide. I did this one and only time in my life in the parking lot of a Meijer retail store in December 1987. I had in mind that day was go see a movie at Studio 28 Movie Theater Complex (first one with 20 movie screens) and then go to a store buy some sleepin pills and just do it. was dumb and stupid (is there a difference?) to do this. Why, why did I have in my mind to do this? It was because I was so depressed that this manufacturing company I was working at was going out of business. This was G.R. Manufacturing, Inc. but they also were more known as Kelvinator, Inc. They were an oven, range, and earlier years a mircowave, and chest style freezer appliance manufacturer. I was getting $9.99 an hour with Blue Cross/Blue Shield ins. We had the U.A.W. union there for the hourly employees. So we made appliances for companies like Sears, Wards, General Electric, Tappan, Magic Chef, Westinghouse amoung the ones I remember. Anyway I was just depressed at the time because of only having just a low paying part time job of $3.85 hour about 24 hours a week. Minimun wage at that time was $3.35. Kathy my wife was not working, she was being a stay at home housewife and Reba our daughter was 9 years old then. Kathy could have working, but she didn't have a good education and little/amost none work history. We end up going on welfare for awhile. Yes, all said and done, people would think this situation in your life made you try to do yourself end. I didn't have medical problems then. I had seasonal algeries and this Peptic Ulcer Disease going on and basically that was it in health status I had. Move rapidly up to these past few years, actually at times I've been more depressed then back in Dec. 1987. Family issues, health, and just general living stuff. But alot of folks here have had or now have these things going on. At times I said I would take on anyone's Sarcoidosis in a heartbeat if I could. Why? Because I have felt like I've been a failure as a husband to Kathy, failure as a dad to Reba, failure in having stability in employment in all those years (1979-to perhaps the present), failure in having love towards some family members (regardless of having verbal abuse from time to time from 2 if not 4 of them), failure of having friends, failure of having Faith In God now that is just about none. Now with physical pain I should have some strong pain reliever drug. People have said that you should take anit-depressive drugs for your physical pain. Whatever, but to slow down and better is to try to stop the source. What? Shrink those sarcoid lesions if all said and done they are in my legs & knees to they have LESS INFLAMMATARYNESS GOING ON THERE. Jeannie, this is long e-mail I know. But just look up MUSCLE ATROPY on your computer. This is why Sarcoidonians have progress to using a can, then walker, then wheelchair/motorize scooter. I have a gut feeling this is going now. My legs are just weak and arms too but lessor amount. Jeanne Betters wrote: Oh, ! Your email broke my heart! I know how awful the run around can be. If it weren't for these loving people in this group, I'd probably be a LOT worse off emotionally than I am. And I care what happens to you. I care about you. I need you to be here because when I fall, I want to know that the person who helps catch me is someone who really understands and who faced the demons and made it through. If you end it all, it would not only be taking away your hope, but many of ours, too. You need to find your will to fight this, . I am sure that most of you are far worse off than I am at this point in the game. I am sure that my small sufferings are no where near yours. But I am also sure that maybe you don't have the money for alcohol and sleeping pills because you are meant to be here - with us. I am so sorry that you are feeling this way. I am so sorry that you are at the edge of the wall looking down. You are very VERY important to all of us. And the "use of doing anything" is because we all have this miserable disease and maybe if you don't give up, we won't give up and someday they'll have a breakthrough that will help us and possibly save future generations - our relatives, friends, you name who - from having to go through this! Please don't let what you have said set in your mind and fester. You are so much more than that. I know we can lose sight and our doctors infuriate and even intimidate us. But we're not alone in the fight. We have each other! I don't want to lose you, and I don't want you to lose heart. I will tuck you safely in my "happy thoughts" as the politcally correct term goes. You are loved, you are significant and you are strong and you can beat the heat of the moment. One step at a time, my friend. Just one small step. I'm here to spiritually hold your hand through it, if you'll let me. Please don't think those thoughts. They can't possibly help you get to a better place emotionally OR physically! My poor friend... We ALL spiral out of control and downward once in a while. I think we have earned the right even. Well, sort of. You've got to let the hands that reach out to you hold you up through this. This too, shall pass. The sun always comes back out after the storm. Hugs, Jeannie GARY WOOLARD wrote: Rose, I don't have any "handle". Actually the only C'ber code I know is 10-4 (over & out). Rose, I'am not doing good again emotionally & mentally. Not because I was awaken at 5:00 a.m. this morning in a "lodger" building here at the Battle Creek V.A. Hospital complex. Now waiting in this bldg. #2 lobby for about an hour to go down to Ann Arbor V.A. Hospital for my eye doc appt. I "reverse" direction by comming back here, stay overnight again to tomorrow morning, and then back to G.R. Have you ever got an "run around" by some medical doctor? This "quote unquote" bastard rhemy doctor I seen just makes me to have apathy towards life about anything. I'AM SO DISCUSTED WITH THIS MORON THAT I WISH I NEVER WENT INTO THE MILITARY IN THE FIRST PLACE SO NOW IN MY LIFE I WOULDN'T HAVE TO GO THROUGH PATHIC MEDICAL CARE ATTITUDE BY A RHEMY DOC AS I HAD SEEN. Don't you think Tracie be so upset that sometime in her past sarcoid years that she had problems like in her lungs and a lung doc didn't do a damm thing? Likewise of anyone else in this group that have had medical problems and NOTHING, NOTHING was done, PERIOD!!!!!!!!!!!! Only if I had MONEY again. I could go buy alcohol & sleepin pills. SAME "OL", SAME "OL". Yeah, I had in mind to pursue medical tests, treatment, etc. just like Tracie, and yourself TOLD ME different times to do, and I HAD THIS FRAME OF MIND when I went and seen this rhemy doc. What do I get????????? Same "OL" do nothing crap from this V.A. doc. Too nice of a thing that this bastard is assinated. This pain in my knees right now while writing this is bad enough that I could be taking something stronger than that Darocvet Addictive Narcotic Painkiller I took back in 2002. Then to thing this IDIOT RHEMY DOC said I should be taking ANTI-DEPRESSIVE DRUGS!!!!!!!!!!!! I told him, part of my depression is have to PUT UP WITH THIS PAIN IN MY KNEES & LEGS DAY AFTER DAY AFTER DAY. Tracie & yourself have put this ENCOURAGEMENT in time after time for people and in myself for what????????????? TO NOT GIVE UP, PERIOD, NO MATTER WHAT LIKE I SEE MENTALLY THAT TRACIE WAS FACING BEING ON LUNG TRANSPLANT LISTING AND DIE IF SHE DIDN'T BE ABLE TO TAKE THAT REMICAID DRUG. This SENSE of determination by her and yourself finally was being instilled in my mental process likewise now only this thing with this idiot rhemy doc just stop altogether. I said in a e-mail that I'll try to resolve this. I just feel like "throw in the towel sydrome" again. What's the use of doing anything about everything? Bye now from rambling Rose wrote: Hey, , what was your handle? I wasn't real big into CB, but my husband was. We had a little Opal car & he put these giant antennae on each side of the rear end. It looked ridiculus, like a huge bug. We drove that thing from Dallas to Indianapolis, and you know we got a lot of comments! , I copy you. Ramblin' Rose Moderator Reply-To: Neurosarcoidosis To: Neurosarcoidosis Subject: Re: Re: Date: Sat, 29 Apr 2006 11:23:17 -0700 (PDT) Terri, I weigh at the peak weight for me at 194 lbs. back in Dec. 2001. This was in that time period when I found out something that was going on in my lungs. From Aug. 2001 until I was diagnois of Sarcoidosis in Jan. 2002. Anyway I had steadly and gradually lost weight from this peak weight that I ever was in my life of 194 lbs down to 172 lbs by December the following year (2001). I didn't do any exercise, running, nothing. Oh if you call walking from our 2 story apartment down to the parking lot where my car was or in the reverse way and going to and from a store from the store parking lot then I guess that's exercise. I gain a little back to about 180 lbs. I have occassionly eaten some of those donuts you mentioned. When we are over in the area where we do this paperoute in Kentwood, there is a shell gas station that sells these donuts inside there. They also have a Subway sandwich deli there too. Terri, those characters such as the one you had at the end of your e-mail are cute as ever!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! That character would be a example if I got OVERINDOLGED IN EATING THOSE CRITTER DONUTS in myself looking like that. 10-4 (y'all are too young to know about c'ber talk except for Darlene, Ron, and Rose aren't you???) mosaicgirl1 wrote: , You are so funny! I usually pick the side kicks too but Al was not one of my choices I assure you, but to each his own. I like a man with meat - I do not usually don't go for the skinny man, I like one with a little meat. What did my husband do? He went and lost 25 pounds. Do you think he is trying to send me a message? BTW, I am about 45 lbs overweight myself but I did just start weight watchers. The picture below is me eating my favorite: Krispy Creme donuts. Hee Hee. Terri G. >> > Thanks for the update on Doc tv show. I can't afford> cable & I'm too far from Louisville to pick it up on> "poor peoples" tv as we call it in my family. LOL As> far as the hunky man my idea of a hunky tv man was AL> on Tool TIme! I'm a chubby chaser & he could fix the> stuff around the house I broke. LOL> > > > grannylunatic@...> > __________________________________________________> Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted May 14, 2006 Report Share Posted May 14, 2006 I apologize in advance if this offends anything, but message link pissed me off and I think it is BS. Kind people like Jeanne, should not have to apologize for showing concern for another member of a support group. , I don't know you and will not presume to know you. However, your constant negative responses to people taking their own time to offer you words of encouragement are upsetting. I understand you have been dealt a difficult hand, but here's a news flash. Everyone in this group has been dealt a difficult hand. The purpose of having a support group is to support. And quite frankly, it is absurd for a member to apologizing for doing just that - supporting. Kim PellettGARY WOOLARD wrote: Jeanne, This last response that you written about going to shelters is something I knew about years ago. Mel Trotter Mission and Lighthouse Mission imediatelly south of downtown Grand Rapids are two missions in this area that I'am aware of. I knew this fact for years. No I'am not going to any mission just to get away from Kathy. That doesn't make NO SENSE AT ALL. Why should I TRY TO SLEEP in a place with 40, 60 men or whatever amount that alot of them SNORE, and alot of them are alcohoics & drug addicts? When I have to put up with JUST ONE PERSON THAT SNORES, NAMELY KATHY. In these type of places, a person goes to the restroom and then comes back to your bed/cot and you find your possesions stolen. Jeanne, Jeanne, Jeanne, I think you mean well in writing all about this, but you were just rehashing this line of thinking that others wrote about going back these about 20 months now that I've associated with this group. I'am not upset with you. But you wrote about this and this is nothing new to me. This suicidal thoughts that I HAVE HAD, were just that, thoughts. I don't have that now. But it was about 3 different times now in this 20 month period. I think you misunderstood me to think I have this on going now or have been constandly for months or even years. At times I've said I take on anyone's sarcoid or all on upon myself. Yes at times I said this was because of being depressed. But this last year if I said this was because of my way of showing LOVE to another person or persons collectively. JUST LIKE MARY S. WHEN SHE HAS "HUGS" PRINTED AT THE END OF HER E-MAIL, THIS IS HER WAY OF SHOWING THIS TOWARDS OTHERS. Bye, Jeanne Betters wrote: Hi , I don't know if you realize this, but you don't have to wait for disability income to change your life. There are places people can go when they are in unhappy, unhealthy homes and haven't anywhere else to go nor the wherewithal to take care of themselves: homeless shelters. Usually YMCA is a good place to start for direction - even if they can't help you, they will probably know who can. And shelters usually even like it when you work (it's usually mandatory to staying there), so you won't have to give up your route. You don't pay a dime to stay there, but rather just do some chores and follow their rules, play nice, stuff like that. Usually you will have anywhere from 30 - 90 days to stay, during which time they will work with you on getting the services and counseling you need to get on with your life (they'll even help you and Kathy if you want to try to make things better between you). No matter what, you don't have to get a divorce to remove yourself from a situation that is eating you up inside. You sound like you could really use a breather. There's no shame in going to a shelter - it's there to help you weather the storm. Sick or well, stress like what you describe will kill you before any disease will. You have nothing to lose by going there for a while. I guess at some point or other everyone has had a suicidal thought. I'm glad in your case it's just a thought. But please try to understand: you can't pour out your misery and expect caring people, who are also suffering, to turn away and ignore your pain. You can't talk about having suicidal thoughts and expect people to ignore you. Your words were very upsetting to me, and I reacted to them in the best way I knew how. I've lost a handful of people in my life to suicide, and I've learned to believe the signs and not ignore them; not take them for granted. By "just putting it out there" -even if you mean to do nothing but blow off steam - you're going to evoke a reaction, . I truly am sorry if my reaction offended you; but you frightened me. I didn't mean to offend at all, and I'll do my best not to let that happen again. I guess I just don't understand why anyone would share something like that or anything else about themselves if they didn't want people to care. Reaching out is a good thing. It's kind of like being at the end of your rope and tying a knot. I totally understand that you don't need any more pressure - not from your Dad (who is wrong - this disease is most definitely not all in your head), not from anyone, including me. You most certainly don't owe me any caring or concern or a reason to press on. I would not have said anything remotely like that had I realized how my words would have been received. I shouldn't have put that kind of pressure on you, and most certainly didn't mean to. You're right, I don't know you. 'Sorry for jumping in like that. I get the message. I'll back off. Peace, Jeannie GARY WOOLARD wrote: Jeanne, Basically Jeanne your lenghtly reply is nothing new to me. I read before of replys of what you have written from Joan, Rose, that I do remember and perhaps from when she was writing into this thing here. Either you just don't understand what I had written since you've been with this group or just don't know the facts. IN DAYS, KATHY AND MYSELF WILL HAVE BEEN MARRIED FOR 29 YEARS. Reba our daughter is not a child no more for years. She turned 28 years old herself as of this past February. Yet like days like today, working on these paperoutes in Kentwood with at times the rain was raining hard with gusts of wind to about 45 m.p.h. and putting up with this Kathy and she putting up with me, no wonder I have said & thought the things in the past. IT'S LIKE GETTING THE OTHER SIDE OF THE UNIVERSE IS NOT FAR AWAY FROM KATHY. GOING BACK IN TIME SO THE SEQUENCE OF EVENTS TAKE PLACE DIFFERENTLY BEFORE GOD CREATED HIMSELF IS NOT FAR ENOUGH TO GO BACK IN TIME TO HAVE THIS DONE. THERE I SAID IT. THIS SPEAKS FOR ITSELF. It's only has been in the HUNDREDS OF TIMES that I have wished that this Sarcoidosis get REAL BAD then I could collect disability income. Then I could move out of this apartment, get my own apartment & live by myself, take care of having a divorce, move out of this state FOR GOOD, and then NEVER EVER telephone, write, e-mail the rest of my family PERIOD FOR AS LONG AS I LIVE. NO MORE CRAP, BULL BLANKETY STUFF FROM ANY OF MY FAMILY AGAIN. NO MORE HEARING FROM MY DAD THAT ALL THIS HEALTH STUFF THAT I HAVE SAID TO HIM "IS ALL IN YOUR HEAD, GARY". These suicidal thoughts were JUST THAT, THOUGHTS that I have had those 3 different time periods dating back to August, 2004. Jeannie, like I've said before in this group before you, Connie, , Terri, Janet, Ruth, and Dot the ones I can think of that joined this group; having the worst of this Sarcoidosis, cancer, or unrelated heart attack is NO BIG DEAL TO ME. Do I feel/think this way 24 hours a day 7 days a week, week after week, no I don't. In a intermitten way like symptoms of sarcoid arthristis in my left foot and lower leg today. Stays for awhile and go away for various amounts of intensity & duration. As far as getting a divorce I have NO SOURCE OF MONEY, LEGAL (savings, stocks, bonds, etc.) or ILLEGAL (selling illegal drugs). All my so call possesions is only around $200 to $400 in worth. No money for a divorce, to live on, pay my personal bills, recretation, etc. You CAN'T GIVE ME A REASON TO CONTINUE TO LIVE ANOTHER DAY AT TIMES. BUT I CAN, I CAN GIVE YOU AND EVERONE ELSE A REASON TO PRESS ON AND TO DESIRE TO LIVE. I think there is a difference. The reason I can give you that I continue to live, IS TO GIVE CONSOLING THOUGHTS, HUMOR, AND CARE ATTITUDE TO OTHERS IN THIS GROUP. If I sound like contracdictorary it is because I'am just have NO SELF WORTH at times. Enough of rambling on here today. Jeanne Betters wrote: Hi , I will definitely look that up some time this week when things here settle down. I completely understand the pain. I was in no way trying to make light of that. Please try to remember, though, that you are VERY important to Kathy and Reba. And the biggest thing you could ever do to let them down would be to end your life. Maybe your suffering is far more than anyone should bear. I haven't known anyone with NS other than this group, but I have had family, friends and contacts who have suffered with cancer and believe me, I do understand the compassion and mercy that fills one's heart when a loved one suffers. But you have to remember that when you lose all hope, you also rob those who love you of hope. If your wife or child were in that situation, OF COURSE it would be unbearable to see them suffer. But if you lived through them ending their lives, that would devastate you. I have had a number of people in my life take theirs. It not only kills the one who ends his or her life, it also kills part of the people they leave behind. I don't ever want to suffer in the way you do. It's horrifying. But please try to hold sight of the fact that your life impacts your wife, your daughter, your friends, family, confidantes, support friends - everyone. I even realize as I type this that you may think I'm minimizing your experience or in some way trying to rob you of the right to express your frustration and feelings. That is the farthest thing from the truth. You have every right to be pissed off, to stop wanting to try anymore. But giving up is a lot more than the moment that you so do. And it effects everyone. I would rather have you email me and lash out a million times than ever end your life. You are not dumb nor are you stupid. You have been pushed to the brink with your suffering. But all I can think of is the remarkable fact that you endured instead of giving up. You're still here. You and Kathy survived the hellish experience way back before NS. And I'm sure if I could sit down with her and Reba face-to-face, they would tell me of your courage and strength and I'd hear about their compassion for the suffering you endure. Kathy loves you, - she's still with you. She didn't bail. And Reba has her daddy. How many kids can say they have their Mom and Dad and that they are still together? That is no failure . I've been married 17+ years and I can tell you sometimes that is even more stressful than being sick. That is an ACCOMPLISHMENT. And I'd bet a million to one that you are not a failure in their eyes, but rather an inspiration. You are not alone if you feel guilty about the burden you put on your family because you aren't what you want to be or what anyone expected you to be. But when it comes down to brass tacks, they'd rather have you and have you imperfect than lose you and never have the opportunity to hear your voice again, to see your smile, or to listen to you lose your cool. People are not disposable. And families fall apart because we lose trust in what they are vs. what we feel they should be. Your worth is not measured by success, money or what you can or cannot do. Your worth is measured by the fact that you are here and what you bring into the lives of those who love you. Your worth is found in a smile and that sweet :As long as you do the very best you can with the resources that are bestowed upon you: as long as you can say "I love you" with your eyes; as long as you can still show compassion to someone else who needs your support, well, I think you've got an awful lot going for you."eye-sparkle" when your daughter comes home with a special card she made you. Your worth is found in the arms of your wife who still turns to you for strength a when she can't handle something big on her own. Your worth is found in the laughter shared with friends, the special gifts and your random acts of kindness to those who you love most. Your worth is found in the memories that you can record on tape for your daughter to pass on to her children. Your worth is found in your character, your desire to do good, to do the right thing as often as humanly possible. Your worth is your legacy that you leave to your family once you have been long gone. As long as you do the very best you can with the resources that are bestowed upon you: as long as you can say "I love you" with your eyes; as long as you can still show compassion to someone else who needs your support, well, I think you've got an awful lot going for you.Just because you can't do what you want in the way in which you want to do it, doesn't mean that it isn't important or that.. It's always about quality rather than quantity, too. All the other things - the stress of having no money to pay bills or put food on the table or to get that special toy your child really, really wants for Christmas... It's all important. And you'd probably fall over in shock to know just how many people are affected by this. You don't hear about it often because people are too embarrassed to expose themselves to criticism - whatever that criticism may be (screw 'em anyways), and whether it be just or unjust. But Welfare isn't something to be ashamed of, either. It's original intent was to help people survive during difficult economic situations. Granted, it's gotten out of hand a little bit, but there is absolutely no shame in accepting assistance when you need it. You are a good man, . Nobody deserves to go through what you're suffering. I wish I could take all your pain away, . I can't imagine what you've been through and what you are now suffering. Please don't ever think that I am trying to minimalize your suffering or situation. Just please remember I am always here to be your friend, to support you and to pray for you and your family. Thanks for sharing everything! A big hug to you - Jeannie Today a counselor told me that it's not the tangible things that you give to others, but rather the time you spend with them that matters. ARY WOOLARD wrote: Jeannie, I know you are new to this group. I've been with this group since Aug. 2004. I did leave twice though for awhile. Yes I have had suicidal thoughts three time periods lasting about a week to 10 days each one since this period I originally was with this group. These were "just thoughts" of just "kicking the bucket", and I didn't try to end it all in any of this time period. Only once, and you and probility all here would say once is TOO many times to actually attempt suicide. I did this one and only time in my life in the parking lot of a Meijer retail store in December 1987. I had in mind that day was go see a movie at Studio 28 Movie Theater Complex (first one with 20 movie screens) and then go to a store buy some sleepin pills and just do it. was dumb and stupid (is there a difference?) to do this. Why, why did I have in my mind to do this? It was because I was so depressed that this manufacturing company I was working at was going out of business. This was G.R. Manufacturing, Inc. but they also were more known as Kelvinator, Inc. They were an oven, range, and earlier years a mircowave, and chest style freezer appliance manufacturer. I was getting $9.99 an hour with Blue Cross/Blue Shield ins. We had the U.A.W. union there for the hourly employees. So we made appliances for companies like Sears, Wards, General Electric, Tappan, Magic Chef, Westinghouse amoung the ones I remember. Anyway I was just depressed at the time because of only having just a low paying part time job of $3.85 hour about 24 hours a week. Minimun wage at that time was $3.35. Kathy my wife was not working, she was being a stay at home housewife and Reba our daughter was 9 years old then. Kathy could have working, but she didn't have a good education and little/amost none work history. We end up going on welfare for awhile. Yes, all said and done, people would think this situation in your life made you try to do yourself end. I didn't have medical problems then. I had seasonal algeries and this Peptic Ulcer Disease going on and basically that was it in health status I had. Move rapidly up to these past few years, actually at times I've been more depressed then back in Dec. 1987. Family issues, health, and just general living stuff. But alot of folks here have had or now have these things going on. At times I said I would take on anyone's Sarcoidosis in a heartbeat if I could. Why? Because I have felt like I've been a failure as a husband to Kathy, failure as a dad to Reba, failure in having stability in employment in all those years (1979-to perhaps the present), failure in having love towards some family members (regardless of having verbal abuse from time to time from 2 if not 4 of them), failure of having friends, failure of having Faith In God now that is just about none. Now with physical pain I should have some strong pain reliever drug. People have said that you should take anit-depressive drugs for your physical pain. Whatever, but to slow down and better is to try to stop the source. What? Shrink those sarcoid lesions if all said and done they are in my legs & knees to they have LESS INFLAMMATARYNESS GOING ON THERE. Jeannie, this is long e-mail I know. But just look up MUSCLE ATROPY on your computer. This is why Sarcoidonians have progress to using a can, then walker, then wheelchair/motorize scooter. I have a gut feeling this is going now. My legs are just weak and arms too but lessor amount. Jeanne Betters wrote: Oh, ! Your email broke my heart! I know how awful the run around can be. If it weren't for these loving people in this group, I'd probably be a LOT worse off emotionally than I am. And I care what happens to you. I care about you. I need you to be here because when I fall, I want to know that the person who helps catch me is someone who really understands and who faced the demons and made it through. If you end it all, it would not only be taking away your hope, but many of ours, too. You need to find your will to fight this, . I am sure that most of you are far worse off than I am at this point in the game. I am sure that my small sufferings are no where near yours. But I am also sure that maybe you don't have the money for alcohol and sleeping pills because you are meant to be here - with us. I am so sorry that you are feeling this way. I am so sorry that you are at the edge of the wall looking down. You are very VERY important to all of us. And the "use of doing anything" is because we all have this miserable disease and maybe if you don't give up, we won't give up and someday they'll have a breakthrough that will help us and possibly save future generations - our relatives, friends, you name who - from having to go through this! Please don't let what you have said set in your mind and fester. You are so much more than that. I know we can lose sight and our doctors infuriate and even intimidate us. But we're not alone in the fight. We have each other! I don't want to lose you, and I don't want you to lose heart. I will tuck you safely in my "happy thoughts" as the politcally correct term goes. You are loved, you are significant and you are strong and you can beat the heat of the moment. One step at a time, my friend. Just one small step. I'm here to spiritually hold your hand through it, if you'll let me. Please don't think those thoughts. They can't possibly help you get to a better place emotionally OR physically! My poor friend... We ALL spiral out of control and downward once in a while. I think we have earned the right even. Well, sort of. You've got to let the hands that reach out to you hold you up through this. This too, shall pass. The sun always comes back out after the storm. Hugs, Jeannie GARY WOOLARD wrote: Rose, I don't have any "handle". Actually the only C'ber code I know is 10-4 (over & out). Rose, I'am not doing good again emotionally & mentally. Not because I was awaken at 5:00 a.m. this morning in a "lodger" building here at the Battle Creek V.A. Hospital complex. Now waiting in this bldg. #2 lobby for about an hour to go down to Ann Arbor V.A. Hospital for my eye doc appt. I "reverse" direction by comming back here, stay overnight again to tomorrow morning, and then back to G.R. Have you ever got an "run around" by some medical doctor? This "quote unquote" bastard rhemy doctor I seen just makes me to have apathy towards life about anything. I'AM SO DISCUSTED WITH THIS MORON THAT I WISH I NEVER WENT INTO THE MILITARY IN THE FIRST PLACE SO NOW IN MY LIFE I WOULDN'T HAVE TO GO THROUGH PATHIC MEDICAL CARE ATTITUDE BY A RHEMY DOC AS I HAD SEEN. Don't you think Tracie be so upset that sometime in her past sarcoid years that she had problems like in her lungs and a lung doc didn't do a damm thing? Likewise of anyone else in this group that have had medical problems and NOTHING, NOTHING was done, PERIOD!!!!!!!!!!!! Only if I had MONEY again. I could go buy alcohol & sleepin pills. SAME "OL", SAME "OL". Yeah, I had in mind to pursue medical tests, treatment, etc. just like Tracie, and yourself TOLD ME different times to do, and I HAD THIS FRAME OF MIND when I went and seen this rhemy doc. What do I get????????? Same "OL" do nothing crap from this V.A. doc. Too nice of a thing that this bastard is assinated. This pain in my knees right now while writing this is bad enough that I could be taking something stronger than that Darocvet Addictive Narcotic Painkiller I took back in 2002. Then to thing this IDIOT RHEMY DOC said I should be taking ANTI-DEPRESSIVE DRUGS!!!!!!!!!!!! I told him, part of my depression is have to PUT UP WITH THIS PAIN IN MY KNEES & LEGS DAY AFTER DAY AFTER DAY. Tracie & yourself have put this ENCOURAGEMENT in time after time for people and in myself for what????????????? TO NOT GIVE UP, PERIOD, NO MATTER WHAT LIKE I SEE MENTALLY THAT TRACIE WAS FACING BEING ON LUNG TRANSPLANT LISTING AND DIE IF SHE DIDN'T BE ABLE TO TAKE THAT REMICAID DRUG. This SENSE of determination by her and yourself finally was being instilled in my mental process likewise now only this thing with this idiot rhemy doc just stop altogether. I said in a e-mail that I'll try to resolve this. I just feel like "throw in the towel sydrome" again. What's the use of doing anything about everything? Bye now from rambling Rose wrote: Hey, , what was your handle? I wasn't real big into CB, but my husband was. We had a little Opal car & he put these giant antennae on each side of the rear end. It looked ridiculus, like a huge bug. We drove that thing from Dallas to Indianapolis, and you know we got a lot of comments! , I copy you. Ramblin' Rose Moderator Reply-To: Neurosarcoidosis To: Neurosarcoidosis Subject: Re: Re: Date: Sat, 29 Apr 2006 11:23:17 -0700 (PDT) Terri, I weigh at the peak weight for me at 194 lbs. back in Dec. 2001. This was in that time period when I found out something that was going on in my lungs. From Aug. 2001 until I was diagnois of Sarcoidosis in Jan. 2002. Anyway I had steadly and gradually lost weight from this peak weight that I ever was in my life of 194 lbs down to 172 lbs by December the following year (2001). I didn't do any exercise, running, nothing. Oh if you call walking from our 2 story apartment down to the parking lot where my car was or in the reverse way and going to and from a store from the store parking lot then I guess that's exercise. I gain a little back to about 180 lbs. I have occassionly eaten some of those donuts you mentioned. When we are over in the area where we do this paperoute in Kentwood, there is a shell gas station that sells these donuts inside there. They also have a Subway sandwich deli there too. Terri, those characters such as the one you had at the end of your e-mail are cute as ever!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! That character would be a example if I got OVERINDOLGED IN EATING THOSE CRITTER DONUTS in myself looking like that. 10-4 (y'all are too young to know about c'ber talk except for Darlene, Ron, and Rose aren't you???) mosaicgirl1 wrote: , You are so funny! I usually pick the side kicks too but Al was not one of my choices I assure you, but to each his own. I like a man with meat - I do not usually don't go for the skinny man, I like one with a little meat. What did my husband do? He went and lost 25 pounds. Do you think he is trying to send me a message? BTW, I am about 45 lbs overweight myself but I did just start weight watchers. The picture below is me eating my favorite: Krispy Creme donuts. Hee Hee. Terri G. >> > Thanks for the update on Doc tv show. I can't afford> cable & I'm too far from Louisville to pick it up on> "poor peoples" tv as we call it in my family. LOL As> far as the hunky man my idea of a hunky tv man was AL> on Tool TIme! I'm a chubby chaser & he could fix the> stuff around the house I broke. LOL> > > > grannylunatic@...> > __________________________________________________> Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted May 14, 2006 Report Share Posted May 14, 2006 I apologize in advance if this offends anything, but message link pissed me off and I think it is BS. Kind people like Jeanne, should not have to apologize for showing concern for another member of a support group. , I don't know you and will not presume to know you. However, your constant negative responses to people taking their own time to offer you words of encouragement are upsetting. I understand you have been dealt a difficult hand, but here's a news flash. Everyone in this group has been dealt a difficult hand. The purpose of having a support group is to support. And quite frankly, it is absurd for a member to apologizing for doing just that - supporting. Kim PellettGARY WOOLARD wrote: Jeanne, This last response that you written about going to shelters is something I knew about years ago. Mel Trotter Mission and Lighthouse Mission imediatelly south of downtown Grand Rapids are two missions in this area that I'am aware of. I knew this fact for years. No I'am not going to any mission just to get away from Kathy. That doesn't make NO SENSE AT ALL. Why should I TRY TO SLEEP in a place with 40, 60 men or whatever amount that alot of them SNORE, and alot of them are alcohoics & drug addicts? When I have to put up with JUST ONE PERSON THAT SNORES, NAMELY KATHY. In these type of places, a person goes to the restroom and then comes back to your bed/cot and you find your possesions stolen. Jeanne, Jeanne, Jeanne, I think you mean well in writing all about this, but you were just rehashing this line of thinking that others wrote about going back these about 20 months now that I've associated with this group. I'am not upset with you. But you wrote about this and this is nothing new to me. This suicidal thoughts that I HAVE HAD, were just that, thoughts. I don't have that now. But it was about 3 different times now in this 20 month period. I think you misunderstood me to think I have this on going now or have been constandly for months or even years. At times I've said I take on anyone's sarcoid or all on upon myself. Yes at times I said this was because of being depressed. But this last year if I said this was because of my way of showing LOVE to another person or persons collectively. JUST LIKE MARY S. WHEN SHE HAS "HUGS" PRINTED AT THE END OF HER E-MAIL, THIS IS HER WAY OF SHOWING THIS TOWARDS OTHERS. Bye, Jeanne Betters wrote: Hi , I don't know if you realize this, but you don't have to wait for disability income to change your life. There are places people can go when they are in unhappy, unhealthy homes and haven't anywhere else to go nor the wherewithal to take care of themselves: homeless shelters. Usually YMCA is a good place to start for direction - even if they can't help you, they will probably know who can. And shelters usually even like it when you work (it's usually mandatory to staying there), so you won't have to give up your route. You don't pay a dime to stay there, but rather just do some chores and follow their rules, play nice, stuff like that. Usually you will have anywhere from 30 - 90 days to stay, during which time they will work with you on getting the services and counseling you need to get on with your life (they'll even help you and Kathy if you want to try to make things better between you). No matter what, you don't have to get a divorce to remove yourself from a situation that is eating you up inside. You sound like you could really use a breather. There's no shame in going to a shelter - it's there to help you weather the storm. Sick or well, stress like what you describe will kill you before any disease will. You have nothing to lose by going there for a while. I guess at some point or other everyone has had a suicidal thought. I'm glad in your case it's just a thought. But please try to understand: you can't pour out your misery and expect caring people, who are also suffering, to turn away and ignore your pain. You can't talk about having suicidal thoughts and expect people to ignore you. Your words were very upsetting to me, and I reacted to them in the best way I knew how. I've lost a handful of people in my life to suicide, and I've learned to believe the signs and not ignore them; not take them for granted. By "just putting it out there" -even if you mean to do nothing but blow off steam - you're going to evoke a reaction, . I truly am sorry if my reaction offended you; but you frightened me. I didn't mean to offend at all, and I'll do my best not to let that happen again. I guess I just don't understand why anyone would share something like that or anything else about themselves if they didn't want people to care. Reaching out is a good thing. It's kind of like being at the end of your rope and tying a knot. I totally understand that you don't need any more pressure - not from your Dad (who is wrong - this disease is most definitely not all in your head), not from anyone, including me. You most certainly don't owe me any caring or concern or a reason to press on. I would not have said anything remotely like that had I realized how my words would have been received. I shouldn't have put that kind of pressure on you, and most certainly didn't mean to. You're right, I don't know you. 'Sorry for jumping in like that. I get the message. I'll back off. Peace, Jeannie GARY WOOLARD wrote: Jeanne, Basically Jeanne your lenghtly reply is nothing new to me. I read before of replys of what you have written from Joan, Rose, that I do remember and perhaps from when she was writing into this thing here. Either you just don't understand what I had written since you've been with this group or just don't know the facts. IN DAYS, KATHY AND MYSELF WILL HAVE BEEN MARRIED FOR 29 YEARS. Reba our daughter is not a child no more for years. She turned 28 years old herself as of this past February. Yet like days like today, working on these paperoutes in Kentwood with at times the rain was raining hard with gusts of wind to about 45 m.p.h. and putting up with this Kathy and she putting up with me, no wonder I have said & thought the things in the past. IT'S LIKE GETTING THE OTHER SIDE OF THE UNIVERSE IS NOT FAR AWAY FROM KATHY. GOING BACK IN TIME SO THE SEQUENCE OF EVENTS TAKE PLACE DIFFERENTLY BEFORE GOD CREATED HIMSELF IS NOT FAR ENOUGH TO GO BACK IN TIME TO HAVE THIS DONE. THERE I SAID IT. THIS SPEAKS FOR ITSELF. It's only has been in the HUNDREDS OF TIMES that I have wished that this Sarcoidosis get REAL BAD then I could collect disability income. Then I could move out of this apartment, get my own apartment & live by myself, take care of having a divorce, move out of this state FOR GOOD, and then NEVER EVER telephone, write, e-mail the rest of my family PERIOD FOR AS LONG AS I LIVE. NO MORE CRAP, BULL BLANKETY STUFF FROM ANY OF MY FAMILY AGAIN. NO MORE HEARING FROM MY DAD THAT ALL THIS HEALTH STUFF THAT I HAVE SAID TO HIM "IS ALL IN YOUR HEAD, GARY". These suicidal thoughts were JUST THAT, THOUGHTS that I have had those 3 different time periods dating back to August, 2004. Jeannie, like I've said before in this group before you, Connie, , Terri, Janet, Ruth, and Dot the ones I can think of that joined this group; having the worst of this Sarcoidosis, cancer, or unrelated heart attack is NO BIG DEAL TO ME. Do I feel/think this way 24 hours a day 7 days a week, week after week, no I don't. In a intermitten way like symptoms of sarcoid arthristis in my left foot and lower leg today. Stays for awhile and go away for various amounts of intensity & duration. As far as getting a divorce I have NO SOURCE OF MONEY, LEGAL (savings, stocks, bonds, etc.) or ILLEGAL (selling illegal drugs). All my so call possesions is only around $200 to $400 in worth. No money for a divorce, to live on, pay my personal bills, recretation, etc. You CAN'T GIVE ME A REASON TO CONTINUE TO LIVE ANOTHER DAY AT TIMES. BUT I CAN, I CAN GIVE YOU AND EVERONE ELSE A REASON TO PRESS ON AND TO DESIRE TO LIVE. I think there is a difference. The reason I can give you that I continue to live, IS TO GIVE CONSOLING THOUGHTS, HUMOR, AND CARE ATTITUDE TO OTHERS IN THIS GROUP. If I sound like contracdictorary it is because I'am just have NO SELF WORTH at times. Enough of rambling on here today. Jeanne Betters wrote: Hi , I will definitely look that up some time this week when things here settle down. I completely understand the pain. I was in no way trying to make light of that. Please try to remember, though, that you are VERY important to Kathy and Reba. And the biggest thing you could ever do to let them down would be to end your life. Maybe your suffering is far more than anyone should bear. I haven't known anyone with NS other than this group, but I have had family, friends and contacts who have suffered with cancer and believe me, I do understand the compassion and mercy that fills one's heart when a loved one suffers. But you have to remember that when you lose all hope, you also rob those who love you of hope. If your wife or child were in that situation, OF COURSE it would be unbearable to see them suffer. But if you lived through them ending their lives, that would devastate you. I have had a number of people in my life take theirs. It not only kills the one who ends his or her life, it also kills part of the people they leave behind. I don't ever want to suffer in the way you do. It's horrifying. But please try to hold sight of the fact that your life impacts your wife, your daughter, your friends, family, confidantes, support friends - everyone. I even realize as I type this that you may think I'm minimizing your experience or in some way trying to rob you of the right to express your frustration and feelings. That is the farthest thing from the truth. You have every right to be pissed off, to stop wanting to try anymore. But giving up is a lot more than the moment that you so do. And it effects everyone. I would rather have you email me and lash out a million times than ever end your life. You are not dumb nor are you stupid. You have been pushed to the brink with your suffering. But all I can think of is the remarkable fact that you endured instead of giving up. You're still here. You and Kathy survived the hellish experience way back before NS. And I'm sure if I could sit down with her and Reba face-to-face, they would tell me of your courage and strength and I'd hear about their compassion for the suffering you endure. Kathy loves you, - she's still with you. She didn't bail. And Reba has her daddy. How many kids can say they have their Mom and Dad and that they are still together? That is no failure . I've been married 17+ years and I can tell you sometimes that is even more stressful than being sick. That is an ACCOMPLISHMENT. And I'd bet a million to one that you are not a failure in their eyes, but rather an inspiration. You are not alone if you feel guilty about the burden you put on your family because you aren't what you want to be or what anyone expected you to be. But when it comes down to brass tacks, they'd rather have you and have you imperfect than lose you and never have the opportunity to hear your voice again, to see your smile, or to listen to you lose your cool. People are not disposable. And families fall apart because we lose trust in what they are vs. what we feel they should be. Your worth is not measured by success, money or what you can or cannot do. Your worth is measured by the fact that you are here and what you bring into the lives of those who love you. Your worth is found in a smile and that sweet :As long as you do the very best you can with the resources that are bestowed upon you: as long as you can say "I love you" with your eyes; as long as you can still show compassion to someone else who needs your support, well, I think you've got an awful lot going for you."eye-sparkle" when your daughter comes home with a special card she made you. Your worth is found in the arms of your wife who still turns to you for strength a when she can't handle something big on her own. Your worth is found in the laughter shared with friends, the special gifts and your random acts of kindness to those who you love most. Your worth is found in the memories that you can record on tape for your daughter to pass on to her children. Your worth is found in your character, your desire to do good, to do the right thing as often as humanly possible. Your worth is your legacy that you leave to your family once you have been long gone. As long as you do the very best you can with the resources that are bestowed upon you: as long as you can say "I love you" with your eyes; as long as you can still show compassion to someone else who needs your support, well, I think you've got an awful lot going for you.Just because you can't do what you want in the way in which you want to do it, doesn't mean that it isn't important or that.. It's always about quality rather than quantity, too. All the other things - the stress of having no money to pay bills or put food on the table or to get that special toy your child really, really wants for Christmas... It's all important. And you'd probably fall over in shock to know just how many people are affected by this. You don't hear about it often because people are too embarrassed to expose themselves to criticism - whatever that criticism may be (screw 'em anyways), and whether it be just or unjust. But Welfare isn't something to be ashamed of, either. It's original intent was to help people survive during difficult economic situations. Granted, it's gotten out of hand a little bit, but there is absolutely no shame in accepting assistance when you need it. You are a good man, . Nobody deserves to go through what you're suffering. I wish I could take all your pain away, . I can't imagine what you've been through and what you are now suffering. Please don't ever think that I am trying to minimalize your suffering or situation. Just please remember I am always here to be your friend, to support you and to pray for you and your family. Thanks for sharing everything! A big hug to you - Jeannie Today a counselor told me that it's not the tangible things that you give to others, but rather the time you spend with them that matters. ARY WOOLARD wrote: Jeannie, I know you are new to this group. I've been with this group since Aug. 2004. I did leave twice though for awhile. Yes I have had suicidal thoughts three time periods lasting about a week to 10 days each one since this period I originally was with this group. These were "just thoughts" of just "kicking the bucket", and I didn't try to end it all in any of this time period. Only once, and you and probility all here would say once is TOO many times to actually attempt suicide. I did this one and only time in my life in the parking lot of a Meijer retail store in December 1987. I had in mind that day was go see a movie at Studio 28 Movie Theater Complex (first one with 20 movie screens) and then go to a store buy some sleepin pills and just do it. was dumb and stupid (is there a difference?) to do this. Why, why did I have in my mind to do this? It was because I was so depressed that this manufacturing company I was working at was going out of business. This was G.R. Manufacturing, Inc. but they also were more known as Kelvinator, Inc. They were an oven, range, and earlier years a mircowave, and chest style freezer appliance manufacturer. I was getting $9.99 an hour with Blue Cross/Blue Shield ins. We had the U.A.W. union there for the hourly employees. So we made appliances for companies like Sears, Wards, General Electric, Tappan, Magic Chef, Westinghouse amoung the ones I remember. Anyway I was just depressed at the time because of only having just a low paying part time job of $3.85 hour about 24 hours a week. Minimun wage at that time was $3.35. Kathy my wife was not working, she was being a stay at home housewife and Reba our daughter was 9 years old then. Kathy could have working, but she didn't have a good education and little/amost none work history. We end up going on welfare for awhile. Yes, all said and done, people would think this situation in your life made you try to do yourself end. I didn't have medical problems then. I had seasonal algeries and this Peptic Ulcer Disease going on and basically that was it in health status I had. Move rapidly up to these past few years, actually at times I've been more depressed then back in Dec. 1987. Family issues, health, and just general living stuff. But alot of folks here have had or now have these things going on. At times I said I would take on anyone's Sarcoidosis in a heartbeat if I could. Why? Because I have felt like I've been a failure as a husband to Kathy, failure as a dad to Reba, failure in having stability in employment in all those years (1979-to perhaps the present), failure in having love towards some family members (regardless of having verbal abuse from time to time from 2 if not 4 of them), failure of having friends, failure of having Faith In God now that is just about none. Now with physical pain I should have some strong pain reliever drug. People have said that you should take anit-depressive drugs for your physical pain. Whatever, but to slow down and better is to try to stop the source. What? Shrink those sarcoid lesions if all said and done they are in my legs & knees to they have LESS INFLAMMATARYNESS GOING ON THERE. Jeannie, this is long e-mail I know. But just look up MUSCLE ATROPY on your computer. This is why Sarcoidonians have progress to using a can, then walker, then wheelchair/motorize scooter. I have a gut feeling this is going now. My legs are just weak and arms too but lessor amount. Jeanne Betters wrote: Oh, ! Your email broke my heart! I know how awful the run around can be. If it weren't for these loving people in this group, I'd probably be a LOT worse off emotionally than I am. And I care what happens to you. I care about you. I need you to be here because when I fall, I want to know that the person who helps catch me is someone who really understands and who faced the demons and made it through. If you end it all, it would not only be taking away your hope, but many of ours, too. You need to find your will to fight this, . I am sure that most of you are far worse off than I am at this point in the game. I am sure that my small sufferings are no where near yours. But I am also sure that maybe you don't have the money for alcohol and sleeping pills because you are meant to be here - with us. I am so sorry that you are feeling this way. I am so sorry that you are at the edge of the wall looking down. You are very VERY important to all of us. And the "use of doing anything" is because we all have this miserable disease and maybe if you don't give up, we won't give up and someday they'll have a breakthrough that will help us and possibly save future generations - our relatives, friends, you name who - from having to go through this! Please don't let what you have said set in your mind and fester. You are so much more than that. I know we can lose sight and our doctors infuriate and even intimidate us. But we're not alone in the fight. We have each other! I don't want to lose you, and I don't want you to lose heart. I will tuck you safely in my "happy thoughts" as the politcally correct term goes. You are loved, you are significant and you are strong and you can beat the heat of the moment. One step at a time, my friend. Just one small step. I'm here to spiritually hold your hand through it, if you'll let me. Please don't think those thoughts. They can't possibly help you get to a better place emotionally OR physically! My poor friend... We ALL spiral out of control and downward once in a while. I think we have earned the right even. Well, sort of. You've got to let the hands that reach out to you hold you up through this. This too, shall pass. The sun always comes back out after the storm. Hugs, Jeannie GARY WOOLARD wrote: Rose, I don't have any "handle". Actually the only C'ber code I know is 10-4 (over & out). Rose, I'am not doing good again emotionally & mentally. Not because I was awaken at 5:00 a.m. this morning in a "lodger" building here at the Battle Creek V.A. Hospital complex. Now waiting in this bldg. #2 lobby for about an hour to go down to Ann Arbor V.A. Hospital for my eye doc appt. I "reverse" direction by comming back here, stay overnight again to tomorrow morning, and then back to G.R. Have you ever got an "run around" by some medical doctor? This "quote unquote" bastard rhemy doctor I seen just makes me to have apathy towards life about anything. I'AM SO DISCUSTED WITH THIS MORON THAT I WISH I NEVER WENT INTO THE MILITARY IN THE FIRST PLACE SO NOW IN MY LIFE I WOULDN'T HAVE TO GO THROUGH PATHIC MEDICAL CARE ATTITUDE BY A RHEMY DOC AS I HAD SEEN. Don't you think Tracie be so upset that sometime in her past sarcoid years that she had problems like in her lungs and a lung doc didn't do a damm thing? Likewise of anyone else in this group that have had medical problems and NOTHING, NOTHING was done, PERIOD!!!!!!!!!!!! Only if I had MONEY again. I could go buy alcohol & sleepin pills. SAME "OL", SAME "OL". Yeah, I had in mind to pursue medical tests, treatment, etc. just like Tracie, and yourself TOLD ME different times to do, and I HAD THIS FRAME OF MIND when I went and seen this rhemy doc. What do I get????????? Same "OL" do nothing crap from this V.A. doc. Too nice of a thing that this bastard is assinated. This pain in my knees right now while writing this is bad enough that I could be taking something stronger than that Darocvet Addictive Narcotic Painkiller I took back in 2002. Then to thing this IDIOT RHEMY DOC said I should be taking ANTI-DEPRESSIVE DRUGS!!!!!!!!!!!! I told him, part of my depression is have to PUT UP WITH THIS PAIN IN MY KNEES & LEGS DAY AFTER DAY AFTER DAY. Tracie & yourself have put this ENCOURAGEMENT in time after time for people and in myself for what????????????? TO NOT GIVE UP, PERIOD, NO MATTER WHAT LIKE I SEE MENTALLY THAT TRACIE WAS FACING BEING ON LUNG TRANSPLANT LISTING AND DIE IF SHE DIDN'T BE ABLE TO TAKE THAT REMICAID DRUG. This SENSE of determination by her and yourself finally was being instilled in my mental process likewise now only this thing with this idiot rhemy doc just stop altogether. I said in a e-mail that I'll try to resolve this. I just feel like "throw in the towel sydrome" again. What's the use of doing anything about everything? Bye now from rambling Rose wrote: Hey, , what was your handle? I wasn't real big into CB, but my husband was. We had a little Opal car & he put these giant antennae on each side of the rear end. It looked ridiculus, like a huge bug. We drove that thing from Dallas to Indianapolis, and you know we got a lot of comments! , I copy you. Ramblin' Rose Moderator Reply-To: Neurosarcoidosis To: Neurosarcoidosis Subject: Re: Re: Date: Sat, 29 Apr 2006 11:23:17 -0700 (PDT) Terri, I weigh at the peak weight for me at 194 lbs. back in Dec. 2001. This was in that time period when I found out something that was going on in my lungs. From Aug. 2001 until I was diagnois of Sarcoidosis in Jan. 2002. Anyway I had steadly and gradually lost weight from this peak weight that I ever was in my life of 194 lbs down to 172 lbs by December the following year (2001). I didn't do any exercise, running, nothing. Oh if you call walking from our 2 story apartment down to the parking lot where my car was or in the reverse way and going to and from a store from the store parking lot then I guess that's exercise. I gain a little back to about 180 lbs. I have occassionly eaten some of those donuts you mentioned. When we are over in the area where we do this paperoute in Kentwood, there is a shell gas station that sells these donuts inside there. They also have a Subway sandwich deli there too. Terri, those characters such as the one you had at the end of your e-mail are cute as ever!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! That character would be a example if I got OVERINDOLGED IN EATING THOSE CRITTER DONUTS in myself looking like that. 10-4 (y'all are too young to know about c'ber talk except for Darlene, Ron, and Rose aren't you???) mosaicgirl1 wrote: , You are so funny! I usually pick the side kicks too but Al was not one of my choices I assure you, but to each his own. I like a man with meat - I do not usually don't go for the skinny man, I like one with a little meat. What did my husband do? He went and lost 25 pounds. Do you think he is trying to send me a message? BTW, I am about 45 lbs overweight myself but I did just start weight watchers. The picture below is me eating my favorite: Krispy Creme donuts. Hee Hee. Terri G. >> > Thanks for the update on Doc tv show. I can't afford> cable & I'm too far from Louisville to pick it up on> "poor peoples" tv as we call it in my family. LOL As> far as the hunky man my idea of a hunky tv man was AL> on Tool TIme! I'm a chubby chaser & he could fix the> stuff around the house I broke. LOL> > > > grannylunatic@...> > __________________________________________________> Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted May 16, 2006 Report Share Posted May 16, 2006 Kim thanks for saying what a lot of us felt Matt --- Kim Pellett kimpellett@...> wrote: > I apologize in advance if this offends anything, but > message link pissed me off and I think it is BS. > > Kind people like Jeanne, should not have to > apologize for showing concern for another member of > a support group. , I don't know you and will > not presume to know you. However, your constant > negative responses to people taking their own time > to offer you words of encouragement are upsetting. > I understand you have been dealt a difficult hand, > but here's a news flash. Everyone in this group has > been dealt a difficult hand. The purpose of having > a support group is to support. And quite frankly, > it is absurd for a member to apologizing for doing > just that - supporting. > > Kim Pellett > > GARY WOOLARD garyjwoolard@...> wrote: > Jeanne, > This last response that you written about going to > shelters is something I knew about years ago. Mel > Trotter Mission and Lighthouse Mission imediatelly > south of downtown Grand Rapids are two missions in > this area that I'am aware of. I knew this fact for > years. No I'am not going to any mission just to get > away from Kathy. That doesn't make NO SENSE AT ALL. > Why should I TRY TO SLEEP in a place with 40, 60 men > or whatever amount that alot of them SNORE, and alot > of them are alcohoics & drug addicts? When I have to > put up with JUST ONE PERSON THAT SNORES, NAMELY > KATHY. In these type of places, a person goes to the > restroom and then comes back to your bed/cot and you > find your possesions stolen. Jeanne, Jeanne, Jeanne, > I think you mean well in writing all about this, but > you were just rehashing this line of thinking that > others wrote about going back these about 20 months > now that I've associated with this group. I'am not > upset with you. But you wrote about this and this is > nothing new to me. > This suicidal thoughts that I HAVE HAD, were just > that, thoughts. I don't have that now. But it was > about 3 different times now in this 20 month period. > I think you misunderstood me to think I have this on > going now or have been constandly for months or even > years. At times I've said I take on anyone's sarcoid > or all on upon myself. Yes at times I said this was > because of being depressed. But this last year if I > said this was because of my way of showing LOVE to > another person or persons collectively. JUST LIKE > MARY S. WHEN SHE HAS " HUGS " PRINTED AT THE END OF > HER E-MAIL, THIS IS HER WAY OF SHOWING THIS TOWARDS > OTHERS. > > Bye, > > > Jeanne Betters gabbysauntienini@...> wrote: > Hi , > > I don't know if you realize this, but you don't > have to wait for disability income to change your > life. There are places people can go when they are > in unhappy, unhealthy homes and haven't anywhere > else to go nor the wherewithal to take care of > themselves: homeless shelters. Usually YMCA is a > good place to start for direction - even if they > can't help you, they will probably know who can. > And shelters usually even like it when you work > (it's usually mandatory to staying there), so you > won't have to give up your route. You don't pay a > dime to stay there, but rather just do some chores > and follow their rules, play nice, stuff like that. > Usually you will have anywhere from 30 - 90 days to > stay, during which time they will work with you on > getting the services and counseling you need to get > on with your life (they'll even help you and Kathy > if you want to try to make things better between > you). No matter what, you don't have to get a > divorce to remove yourself from a > situation that is eating you up inside. You sound > like you could really use a breather. There's no > shame in going to a shelter - it's there to help you > weather the storm. Sick or well, stress like what > you describe will kill you before any disease will. > You have nothing to lose by going there for a while. > > I guess at some point or other everyone has had a > suicidal thought. I'm glad in your case it's just a > thought. But please try to understand: you can't > pour out your misery and expect caring people, who > are also suffering, to turn away and ignore your > pain. You can't talk about having suicidal thoughts > and expect people to ignore you. Your words were > very upsetting to me, and I reacted to them in the > best way I knew how. I've lost a handful of people > in my life to suicide, and I've learned to believe > the signs and not ignore them; not take them for > granted. By " just putting it out there " -even if > you mean to do nothing but blow off steam - you're > going to evoke a reaction, . I truly am sorry > if my reaction offended you; but you frightened me. > I didn't mean to offend at all, and I'll do my best > not to let that happen again. I guess I just don't > understand why anyone would share something like > that or anything else about themselves if they > didn't want people to > care. Reaching out is a good thing. It's kind of > like being at the end of your rope and tying a knot. > > > I totally understand that you don't need any more > pressure - not from your Dad (who is wrong - this > disease is most definitely not all in your head), > not from anyone, including me. You most certainly > don't owe me any caring or concern or a reason to > press on. I would not have said anything remotely > like that had I realized how my words would have > been received. I shouldn't have put that kind of > pressure on you, and most certainly didn't mean to. > > You're right, I don't know you. 'Sorry for jumping > in like that. I get the message. I'll back off. > > Peace, > > Jeannie > > > > > > > GARY WOOLARD garyjwoolard@...> wrote: > Jeanne, > > Basically Jeanne your lenghtly reply is nothing > new to me. I read before of replys of what you have > written from Joan, Rose, that I do remember and > perhaps from when she was writing into this > thing here. Either you just don't understand what I > had written since you've been with this group or > just don't know the facts. IN DAYS, KATHY AND MYSELF > WILL HAVE BEEN MARRIED FOR 29 YEARS. Reba our > daughter is not a child no more for years. She > turned 28 years old herself as of this past > February. Yet like days like today, working on these > paperoutes in Kentwood with at times the rain was > raining hard with gusts of wind to about 45 m.p.h. > and putting up with this Kathy and she putting up > with me, no wonder I have said & thought the things > in the past. IT'S LIKE GETTING THE OTHER SIDE OF THE > UNIVERSE IS NOT FAR AWAY FROM KATHY. GOING BACK IN > TIME SO THE SEQUENCE OF EVENTS TAKE PLACE > DIFFERENTLY BEFORE GOD CREATED HIMSELF IS NOT FAR > ENOUGH TO GO BACK IN TIME TO HAVE THIS DONE. > THERE I SAID IT. THIS SPEAKS FOR ITSELF. It's only > has been in the HUNDREDS OF TIMES that I have wished > that this Sarcoidosis get REAL BAD then I could > collect disability income. Then I could move out of > this apartment, get my own apartment & live by > myself, take care of having a divorce, move out of > this state FOR GOOD, and then NEVER EVER telephone, > write, e-mail the rest of my family PERIOD FOR AS > LONG AS I LIVE. NO MORE CRAP, BULL BLANKETY STUFF > FROM ANY OF MY FAMILY AGAIN. NO MORE HEARING FROM MY > DAD THAT ALL THIS HEALTH STUFF THAT I HAVE SAID TO > HIM " IS ALL IN YOUR HEAD, GARY " . > > These suicidal thoughts were JUST THAT, THOUGHTS > that I have had those 3 different time periods > dating back to August, 2004. Jeannie, like I've said > before in this group before you, Connie, , > Terri, Janet, Ruth, and Dot the ones I can think of > that joined this group; having the worst of this > Sarcoidosis, cancer, or unrelated heart attack is NO > BIG DEAL TO ME. Do I feel/think this way 24 hours a > day 7 days a week, week after week, no I don't. In a > intermitten way like symptoms of sarcoid arthristis > in my left foot and lower leg today. Stays for > awhile and go away for various amounts of intensity > & duration. > > As far as getting a divorce I have NO SOURCE OF > MONEY, LEGAL (savings, stocks, bonds, etc.) or > ILLEGAL (selling illegal drugs). All my so call > possesions is only around $200 to $400 in worth. No > money for a divorce, to live on, pay my personal > bills, recretation, etc. You CAN'T GIVE ME A REASON > TO CONTINUE TO LIVE ANOTHER DAY AT TIMES. BUT I CAN, > I CAN GIVE YOU AND EVERONE ELSE A REASON TO PRESS ON > AND TO DESIRE TO LIVE. I think there is a > difference. The reason I can give you that I > continue to live, IS TO GIVE CONSOLING THOUGHTS, > HUMOR, AND CARE ATTITUDE TO OTHERS IN THIS GROUP. If > I sound like contracdictorary it is because I'am > just have NO SELF WORTH at times. > > Enough of rambling on here today. > > > === message truncated === __________________________________________________ Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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