Fwd: Mothers: A North American Field Guide

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In a message dated 8/20/98 10:36:41 AM Central Daylight Time, Schedir writes:

<< by Akers Guyton

I have often wondered, during those rare times that I manage to go out

in public without my children, if I bear some distinguishing mark that

identifies me as a mother. Surely I must exhibit certain

characteristics unique to mothers of all ages and income levels. As a

bird watcher looks for an unusual crest or listens carefully for a

specific songbird's call, could not a mother watcher locate a woman

with children, even when she did not have her children with her?

Carrying this one step further, I began to develop a theory that

not only could one recognize a mother, but like the bird watcher, could

identify the various stages of motherhood development through careful

observation. On this premise, I have created a field guide to mothers of

North America.

A hatchling mother (birth to six months) will exhibit unique

characteristics. She may, while standing in line at the grocery store,

gently bounce a 25 pound sack of potatoes on her hip, to keep it

entertained. She may, upon hearing someone else's baby cry, quickly

cross her arms over her chest to stop the involuntary milk let-down

reflex. She is likely to have mastered the ability to pick up objects

with her feet, without interrupting the ritual baby dance, perfected

in the first six months of motherhood. She will, undoubtedly, exhibit

the universal signs of new motherhood : dark half moons under the eyes,

and a spit-up stain down the back of her left shoulder.

An examination of her purse contents will reveal baby Anbesol , Tylenol,

elixir with the eye-dropper top; the pediatrician's office, beeper, and

home phone numbers; a two-week-old list of things to do (still undone);

a few birth announcements that have not yet been addressed; and a large

bottle of extra-strength Tylenol.

A nestling mother (6 to 12 months) can be picked out of a crowd by

looking for a woman who double ties her shoes, smells faintly of diaper

wipes and apple juice, and has one arm much stronger than the other. She

will jump to catch any falling object seen out of the corner of her eye,

and will have it in her hand before she is aware of having reached for

it.

An examination of her purse contents will reveal a set of brightly

colored plastic keys, a slightly crushed package of crackers from the

salad bar two weeks ago, the contents of her wallet strewn all over the

inside, a bent pair of sunglasses, and a large bottle of extra-strength

Tylenol.

A fledgling mother (12 to 24 months) will exhibit a singular

vocabulary, rich in two syllable words. A seemingly intelligent woman

will suddenly want to use the' potty' or show you a ' boo-boo'. She will

be the one looking around anxiously when someone else' s child calls,

" Mommy! " The truly devoted will answer " right here! " before

embarrassment can win out over instinct. At the end of each day, she

falls exhausted into bed and goes night-night.

In her purse is a crayon fragment, a half-chewed bite of the grocery

store's daily free sample wrapped in a napkin, one plastic block, and a

large bottle of extra-strength Tylenol.

A juvenile mother (two to five years) can also be easily recognized.

Some tell-tale signs are a cartoon-character bandage on her finger, a

ketchup-colored hand print streaked across her sleeve, and legs that

haven't seen a razor lately. She will be the one with the grateful,

silly smile on her lips when the stranger beside her has a 2-year-old

clinging desperately to one leg screaming, " I want it! " When driving

down the highway, you can recognize her as the one who appears to be

talking loudly to herself. Closer inspection will often reveal one or

more full car seats in the back. She's probably singing ' The Wheels on

the Bus' with gusto.

Her purse contains Band- Aids ; Neosporin; a straw; a Barbie shoe or

Hot Wheels car (or both); an emergency package of candy; a checkbook

covered with artistic renderings of cats, flowers, and suns; and a large

bottle of extra-strength Tylenol .

You will recognize the mature mother (6 to 12 years) as the one who

crosses to the opposite side of the mall and quickens her speed, when a

toy store is spotted. Her grocery store cart will contain three packs of

family-sized hot dogs, a case of Spaghettios, and four boxes of cereal

with three gallons of milk. Savvy in the appropriate value of a lost

tooth when placed beneath the pillow, she is also the one who will be

able to help when a stranger asks, " Does anyone have a tissue? "

This mother only appears to be by herself. Look closely : her child is

probably 10 steps behind her, trailing in anguished embarrassment,

trying desperately to appear alone.

An examination of her purse contents will reveal a permission slip (due

yesterday), a piece of sea grass from the weekend at the beach, a wilted

flower, a Game boy cartridge, and a large bottle of extra-strength

Tylenol.

In using your field guide, it is important to remember that a mother can

only be spotted during special seasons of her life, and once mature,

she will gradually blend back into society. Her migratory routes through

Toys-R-Us and K-Mart will cease, and the basic functions of speech and

concentration will slowly return.

The final challenge she faces is the difficult and emotional task of

convincing her brood to leave the nest. Depending upon the migratory

habits of her offspring, this may take anywhere from 18 to 36 years. >>