Sleeping Satellite

[Guest guest]

This is going to be a long mail. Many people are pulling for Deanne and want

to know what is happening. This is as much for me as for everyone else. I've

been saving Deanne's and my conversations on my phone. These mails are

recording most everything else in this ordeal. I don't want to lose this -

not the way that 1996 is blocked from me. I want to remember. As the people

close to us you are privy to this. I must ask that you DO NOT forward this

to anyone else. This IS private. Please treat it as such.

Yesterday, Deanne went knocking on Death's door. They did a barium swallow

to test the stomach's absorbtion and found that when she lies on her back,

nothing is absorbed until she lies on her side. They returned her to the

ward where her Mom was waiting. Still concerned, having complained to them

the whole morning that Deanne's not looking well, she stayed with her. Her

breathing was laboured and over-accentuated. Speaking to Helen on the phone

I battled to hear her voice over Deanne's breathing - or wheezing rather.

On the doctor's recommendation, I was on my way through to the hospital with

Deanne's service dog (Kaila - http://www.nfzone.co.za/Kaila8.jpg). A first

for this country - a dog other than a " guide dog " - is being allowed into a

hospital ward.

About 15 minutes short of the hospital, I received a call from Helen to tell

me Deanne is being rushed to theatre. She had lost consciousness and the

doctor had been called out.

I spoke to Kaila and put my hand past the headrest for her to sniff. Instead

a paw got deposited in it and stayed there.

I found Helen in the foyer of the hospital, eyes swollen with tears. She'd

overheard a nurse saying that Deanne's going to die. I told her that is

nonsense and went up to Deanne's ward to speak to the sister in charge and

find out what's going on. From there I went up to ICU where they were

preparing to receive Deanne who was, at the time, still in theatre. They

were removing some stomach acid, food and barium from her lungs. All this

had obstructed her lungs and her blood oxygen level dropped to the point

where she fell unconscious. I asked ICU to phone me the moment there is

news. As I walked out, the theatre doors barged open and Deanne was rushed

past me through to IC. Again, as with the surgery, they were breathing FOR

her. That was it for me. I took the stairs down so I could finish my crying

on the way down. I called out my own family and switched my phone off.

An inconsoleable Helen, Kaila and I sat outside in the car park. Kaila was

most unsettled and wouldn't let me go to the coffee shop to get us something

to drink. Helen had a fight second to none to keep Kaila with her. She knew

something had happened. Ears flat back, sniffing my hands and dancing around

me constantly.

About an hour later, the IC phoned. We could see Deanne. By the time I got

there, the doctor was with her. They were busy pulling a tube that looked

about a metre long out through her mouth and she was visibly freaking. The

doctor and asked me to wait outside. I phoned Helen and told her I'm

waiting. One of the senior sisters from Deanne's ward pitched up to ask if

I'm ok. I asked her to give Helen a tranquiliser, which she duly did. She

offered me the same. I declined. In the moment I felt I needed my faculties.

Besides, I'd already taken a mild homoeopathic tranquiliser in the car park

already.

Another hour passed before I was called in to speak to the doctor.

Again, we got the " we don't know " . What the problem is with her digestive

system and ability to prevent stuff from entering her lungs they don't know.

They cannot offer any assurances to us - nothing to hold on to. Even " is she

going to be ok " gets no assuring answer. She is on a ventilator to manage

her saturation. They put her onto cortisone and more antibiotics. That is

all we know.

They pulled the rug out from under us. Should we move her ? Should we get

more opinions ? These questions we are attending to.

I was only allowed to see Deanne for a few minutes. She couldn't speak. For

the first time, ever, I managed to read her lips. She asked me what

happened. To her, I would expect, she fell asleep in the ward and woke up in

IC. I finger spelled out to her a precis of what the doctor had just told

me. I spent a few minutes with her, told her I love her and left. I went

downstairs to give Helen the chance of going up to see her, while I stay

with Kaila. By the time I got there, I found that some of Helen's friends

had arrived and she was already on her way up. By the time she got to

Deanne, the sedation had kicked in.

Helen and I stopped by to see a sister from high care who had looked after

Deanne very very well the last time she was in IC. She promised to go up and

find out what was going on and give us a " family level " rundown today -

devoid of terms that takes one 7 years to learn.

My sister and I stayed with Helen till that evening. We went to IC on our

way home. Deanne was still under sedation. I would like to believe that she

knew I was there. She was stable at least.

Last night, they told me on the phone that Deanne was doing well. They had

reduced the sedation to a point where Deanne was conscious enough that they

could communicate with her. The Sr's belief was that Deanne will recover

from this setback quickly and will be back in the ward soon.

The hopes for that " doing well " were dashed yet again this morning. Helen

was told that they have no idea what the problem is. We have no idea how

long she will be in IC, what their intended plan of action is, their

contingency plans etc.

I've asked Helen to contact the neurosurgeon and get his view on this. What

we're going to do from there I don't know.

Deanne took Helen's hand and pointed it at her face. I presume she wants to

know what the ventilator is for. Either she doesn't remember or

misunderstood when I told her yesterday. For the bloomin' umpteenth time a

sister walked up and " told " Deanne what they were doing without giving a

second thought to what the word " deaf " means. Helen threw her toys at the

woman and was unceremoniously ushered out of IC shortly after. She was told

she can have a few minutes during visiting hours so she will do the

afternoon one and I will do the evening one.

Dr Buys told me that she can see that Deanne is an emotionally strong

person, but her physical weakness is taking its toll not only on her ability

to fight, but her emotions as well. If she recognises that, surely she can -

even if just as a mother - understand that I need to give Deanne something

to hold on to ?

I simply don't know how Deanne is coping. I am married to the world's most

amazing woman: one who can shine so bright, fight so tenaciously and

overcome so much with such quiet determination that it's often missed.

Seeing her at the end of her tether like this breaks my heart and stomps on

it again and again. This family as a whole is at breaking point - where

we've been for a while now.

Deanne's birthday wish was to go out for a milkshake with the family. She

knew EXACTLY what she wanted - and this is a woman who normally broods over

a menu! The next day she wanted to take Kaila and Sabre out for a picnic at

the airfield and watch me fly my model plane and the chopper. Last week she

said " will that ever come true? " . I promised her it will. Hope I can keep

that promise, but I've been conditioned now that hope is a bad thing. I've

become a liar. I keep telling Helen and Deanne not to give up hope. This

constant heartbreak has taken that from me. So where does that leave me ? I

will never give up, but instead I'm trading down - picking up pieces as we

go. That kills me.

********************************************************************************\

*******

This message contains information intended solely for the addressee,

which is confidential or private in nature and subject to legal privilege.

If you are not the intended recipient, you may not peruse, use,

disseminate, distribute or copy this message or any file attached to this

message. Any such unauthorised use is prohibited and may be unlawful. If

you have received this message in error, please notify the sender

immediately by e-mail, facsimile or telephone and thereafter delete the

original message from your machine.

Furthermore, the information contained in this message, and any

attachments thereto, is for information purposes only and may contain the

personal views and opinions of the author, which are not necessarily the

views and opinions of Dimension Data (South Africa) (Proprietary) Limited

or its subsidiaries and associated companies ( " Dimension Data " ). Dimension

Data therefore does not accept liability for any claims, loss or damages

of whatsoever nature, arising as a result of the reliance on such

information by anyone.

Whilst all reasonable steps are taken to ensure the accuracy and

integrity of information transmitted electronically and to preserve the

confidentiality thereof, Dimension Data accepts no liability or

responsibility whatsoever if information or data is, for whatsoever

reason, incorrect, corrupted or does not reach its intended destination.

********************************************************************************\

*****