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Deanne - 05-03-2003

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Deanne spiked another fever last night - 2nd night in a row now. Again it

peaked at 38.4. It remains around the 37.5 level now.

We are awaiting the results from a blood test. The labs reported to the

doctor that they have isolated an organism, but need the night still to

complete the test so that they may accurately identify it. From there they

will know which antibiotic to give it.

Her breathing caused me great distress last night. The ventilator alarm went

off constantly while I was there. I phoned IC at 22h10 last night. In the

background I could hear the alarm ringing still, but the nurse assured me

she was fine. I doubt it could have been the alarm at another patient since

Deanne is now one of only TWO people in IC. All other beds are empty.

They " increased the amount of oxygen they gave her " last night. I'm not

quite sure what that means, but I presume they increased the rate on the

ventilator. She had been, up till yesterday, on 2 breaths - the rest just

being monitored. The doctor told the invisible me that they can take the

ventilator off today. Suppose that's out the window now too.

She looked fragile yesterday afternoon, but strong enough to get into a semi

seated position with her head against my shoulder while I held her up. I was

expecting to see the same last night. Nothing could have prepared me for

what I saw. People talk around me about her getting better, but those voices

seem so distant. All I hear is what is going on inside me. Want my wife

back. Want our LIFE back - even just the shards that remain.

I am angry, not to mention hurting. Feel like I'm losing it, but I know that

is not an option now or ever. Relief doesn't come in a bottle so I need to

spend some time alone to figure out where I'm going to find it.

Just let the outcome of that blood test and the " new " antibiotic be

something positive, please. I have never, nor will I ever, like

rollercoasters.

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Emile,

Don't despair. Anne had 4 bacterias which were finally identified and 3

antibiotics given for her. After two weeks she has come home. Her breathing

too was very labored but her oxygen level was good. It is awful I know. I

am so sorry that you are enduring the same hell that we are here in

California with Anne. My prayers extend to you and Deanne. Love, Vicki

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