/ Hating violence / Car, etc.

[Guest guest]

, Virginia Beach is a pretty resourceful place.

I've been there a time or two.

I know that many people don't think that the ToughLove system can really

help our bpd kids, but I see many, many parallels between our advice, and some

of their suggestions. When my daughter was about 12 - 14 I attended ToughLove

and I cannot tell you how much it helped me. Not only the group type

therapy of talking it out, but the phone numbers of real people to call when

things

got out of hand.

I couldn't believe I had found a group of people who had kids so similar to

mine. I went for HER to begin with, then I stayed for ME.

It was invaluable. I still think of some of those wonderful people to this

day that helped me so much in times of crisis. (And that's been 20 years

ago!)

You might ask your local authorities if there is a ToughLove group in your

area, or look in the phone book, call local crisis shelters ... etc.

It surely would'n't hurt to check it out. What have you got to lose. You

can take what you need, and leave the rest.

And as long as the rages went on, I would not let her drive a car at all in

an unstable state. Not only is it rewarding bad behavior to you, but it's

dangerous. Better to let her stabilize for a period of time.

And as we've all said - document, document, document. Like Milena said -

SAVE those notes too that had f you b, and Help me... etc.

You are building a case, though it's horrible to think about, we know we're

doing it to help, even though sometimes it feels like we're betraying them.

Been there, done that.

Blondie

In a message dated 5/20/2006 7:28:46 P.M. Central Daylight Time,

connect4love@... writes:

Blondie-Yes, it makes sense. Though I've read 3/4 of " Stop Walking On

Eggshells " , I still cannot handle violence and it seems to take the police 20

min

or so to get here! By that time, she may have thrown something at me. I have

not been around this kind of thing before and I HATE it!!! Of course, not

that everyone else doesn't....Had a woman, a " Life Counselor " ask me today,

what

will it take for enough to be enough for me?! Part of me is afraid and part

of me doesn't know if I " should " do something specific for someone with this

disease? I question my every thought and move. I feel like the dumbest

parent on earth with my daughter though I know I didn't have problems like this

with my son and he is doing so well in his life. I actually can never wait

until the week begins so that more people are at work to where I can continue

to

work on getting help.....help for just me and help for her!!! Not enough

time in the work week to get ahold of all the people I want to

contact, etc.

I have been afraid to even do the contract thing. I KNOW I have to stick

with it and I also KNOW she is going to have a fit! Over and over.....it's so

exhausting. I

Earlier today when I stopped writing so I could escape her violence, I was

going to ask everyone, if their bpd had a car or a drivers license? Before

these behaviors got to the point of the horrific violence, I bought her a car

and yes, thinking that it would change her behaviors and she'd be happy. I

question whether I am crazy to let her or if I am crazy not to let her. I

personally am in a no win situation with my thoughts. I think I should know

what to

do and I don't. Part of me thinks the way people in Alanon do which is not

to take on the responsibility. If she does something wrong or if something

happens, that is on her. Then another part of me thinks that I should know

that someone with this bpd should never be allowed to drive to put themselves

in

danger and everyone else on the road. Please, anyone with any thoughts on

this, I'd really appreciate feedback. I am so distraught. Today, she wrote

all over a bunch of scrap paper on my desk....f

u.....b....(all the bad words and names) and f life and help

me.............which I'm really not sure if the help me was that she was

feeling so much

anger and hated me that she wanted someone to help her get away from me

or........if it was a cry for help. Not sure. She also had written me a letter

addressing me by rather than mom and said she just wanted to let me

know

that she really did hate me and that she's choosing to leave so she can be

happy and all because I wouldn't answer my cell phone. Said that she's packed

alot of her clothes and good bye! Later, she called and asked me if I saw the

piece of paper on the floor that I wasn't to read it as she wrote it this

morning when I left. Other papers she has written on that I found a few days

ago

say, " If I don't breathe, it won't hurt. " All is so confusing and scarey as

well as overwhelming. I sure do wish I did have a man in my life right now

that had been a father to her!! Whew!!!!

I appreciate the hugs and prayers. Thank you and everyone else too for all

your support. I hope I can make it thru this with her and I can be of some

real support to someone else but there's no light in the tunnel right now

though deep down, I know that this too shall pass to the extent it sounds like

most are at now in their lives on here. It also bothers me that I made a

promise to myself that this year I was really going to live, joined a womens

group, fully intended on having some fun....ha!! All I hope for now is my

sanity

but still wish I wasn't so old so I'd still have plenty of time. I know some

will say for me to go ahead but it is so hard to plan anything for me right

now. It's all I can do to do my job right now which is out of my home though

I work for someone else. I'm wondering if that book would help me though I

still have to finish the one I'm on plus I have so much more to read and

tapes to listen too that I got from

the bp support course. So, maybe I have enough if I can get the alone time

to listen to them and read.

Well, please reply anyone! Also, is anyone on here from Va. Beach,Va???