Re: Question regarding Hugging...

February 21, 2006

In a message dated 2/21/2006 3:28:47 AM Eastern Standard Time,

TxCoastGal@... writes:

Is anyone / everyone else's like that?

Blondie

My daughter doted on my affection before the evil took over. Most times when

she was bad, she would yell at me not to touch her. The demons at work! Now

we hug constantly

DebbieL

February 21, 2006

I have to respond to this. K has always been uncomfortable with hugs and

other displays of affection from when she was very little. When picked up ( as

a little one) and hugged and kissed, she would stiffen up. She is also not

a hugger of the boys either. I am 1/2 Italian on my mother's side----so we

were all a vey huggy bunch. I am also very huggy with my grandsons and they

respond in same manner. I don't see any stiffening up in them when hugged and

kissed. My son was always lovable too. BUT my ex was just like K. Very

unaffectionate outwardly. I just assume she had his gene for being

standoffish. Now she did like being hugged, she just seemed uncomfortable and

she has

admitted to that. She too says she must just be like her father.

Jean

February 21, 2006

In a message dated 2/21/2006 11:01:51 AM Eastern Standard Time,

kerk0522@... writes:

From a " reverse " view, my mother is bipolar and has (at a minimum) BP traits,

and she was never a hugger. She was never demonstrative with us growing up,

did not hug me or my siblings as children, did not spontaneously tell us that

she loved us or anything like that. Even as adults, prior to the time that

she terminated her relationship with me, any affection b/w us was initiated by

me. She also does not have a relationship with my sister, and prior to her

mother's death, had terminated her relationship with her. She also does not

have

a relationship with either of HER sisters. The only family person that she

has a relationship with is her husband and her grandchildren.

Kelley C.

Geez, cyber-sis, are you writing about me again? We got our hugs from my

dad. I could duplicate word for word what you just wrote, with the exception

that my mother " disowned " my brother many years ago, and at his funeral at age

36, got down on her knees at the altar with her " drama queen " act, begging

forgiveness. UGH! We kids never got hugs from her parents either. She does

speak

with all the rest of my siblings (5), but divorced my father (who lives

w/me). Her mother passed away in her care, and my mother, too, does not have a

relationship with her only sister, my aunt and godmother. So sad. She also

doesn't bother w/my two children or even my grandson.

Hope all is well with you, Kelley.

Your sis in cyber space.......

DebbieL

February 21, 2006

Mine wouldn't be hugged, and still doesn't do hugs with us.

Helen

_____

From: WTOParentsOfBPs

[mailto:WTOParentsOfBPs ] On Behalf Of TxCoastGal@...

Sent: Tuesday, February 21, 2006 3:27 AM

To: WTOParentsOfBPs

Subject: Question regarding Hugging...

I always wondered if other BPD kids are different from my daughter in this

respect. I am a real fan of hugs.

Even when my daughter was younger, she really was not that demonstrative,

and you practically had to beg her to hug you.

Is anyone / everyone else's like that?

Blondie

February 21, 2006

In a message dated 2/21/2006 11:53:05 AM Eastern Standard Time,

kerk0522@... writes:

things are going pretty good here! my H and i are off to HAWAII in april!

CANNOT WAIT

I would have loved to have been a fly on the wall when my grandma passed. My

mother told the doctors at the hospital that my grandmother wishes to be in

her own home when she goes. Wonder how much of that was the truth. My mother

was by her side, alone. Keeps me wondering what really happened. Sad as it

is. My grandmother was deathly afraid of my mother. She left it all behind to

my mother, had written her other daughter out of the will long ago at the

bequest of my mother. None of us saw anything, nor did our grandchildren. This

was very unlike my grandmother, she was very generous with her money with all

of us at a time when she had control. My aunt, (my mothers sis), had been

living w/my grandmother and mother, and just had to get out of there. She too

feared my mother. My mother tried to kill her a few times when they were

children, pushed her down a set of stairs to the basement one time. My aunt got

herself a subsidized apt. just to get out. Not so much out of fear, but just

couldn't stand the ridicule and beratement any longer. But my mother does, once

in a while surprises my aunt with a phone call to say hello, or ask if she

needs a ride to some family function. Throws my aunt for a loop! For the most

part, she is just downright nasty.

You GO GIRL!!!!!! and hubby, have a great time! My landlord here at work

just got back from a month there, and good friends of my hubby and me are there

right now! He said the weather is like 80 each day and no rain on the side of

the island they were on. Just a little pricy with the food and gas. I would

imagine that since everything must be imported from the main land. Have

yourselves a wonderful and peaceful time. LET IT GO and let it stay here.

Don't

take it with you.

Why are you trying to get your son out of high school? To go with you? Or

have him placed while you are away? Hope that goes well for you.

DebbieL

February 21, 2006

Hi Blondie,

In my little family we, my two daughters and I, always had a hug " good

morning " or a hug " see ya later " or a hug " goodnight " ...and all the other hugs

out there.. :0)

But right around the time my daughter slipped into her depression, around 17,

she suddenly didn't like hugging anymore. I always felt as tho I was covered in

poo when she would hug me. She would be all stiff and patting me strangely on

the back.

I have seen her go to her husband more than once and hug him and receive his

hugs in return, but for her sis and I, it was like an effort for her. In the

past 6 years, she has hugged me once where I felt the love and warmth of it.

It's those little moments, isn't it, when you know something is seriously

wrong.

She won't acknowledge this either....

Warn thoughts to you,

TxCoastGal@... wrote:

I always wondered if other BPD kids are different from my daughter in this

respect. I am a real fan of hugs.

Even when my daughter was younger, she really was not that demonstrative,

and you practically had to beg her to hug you.

Is anyone / everyone else's like that?

Blondie

February 21, 2006

Hi Blondie,

My dau also is not a hugger. When she was a toddler she would hit me

when I tried to hug and kiss her. Cuddle at story time was OK. As a

child I would say, I love you, and she wouldn't reply. When I hugged

her she was always stiff. As a child it was so rare for her to say I

love you or let me hug her I would mark it on my calender... as a

major event. One year for Christmas she made from construction paper a

string of lights with the words I Love You on the 'sting of lights'. I

still have it hanging in my home. She couldn't SAY the words. Now that

she has a boyfriend who loves his mother she says I love you to me and

I respond, but I mumble to myself, It doesn't feel like love. I can't

remember her ever giving me a sincere hug. I come from a very touchy

and hugging family. She cringes when her boyfriend hugs me.

- blu_cricket

>

> I always wondered if other BPD kids are different from my daughter

in this

> respect. I am a real fan of hugs.

>

> Even when my daughter was younger, she really was not that

demonstrative,

> and you practically had to beg her to hug you.

> Is anyone / everyone else's like that?

>

> Blondie

February 21, 2006

From a " reverse " view, my mother is bipolar and has (at a minimum) BP traits,

and she was never a hugger. She was never demonstrative with us growing up, did

not hug me or my siblings as children, did not spontaneously tell us that she

loved us or anything like that. Even as adults, prior to the time that she

terminated her relationship with me, any affection b/w us was initiated by me.

She also does not have a relationship with my sister, and prior to her mother's

death, had terminated her relationship with her. She also does not have a

relationship with either of HER sisters. The only family person that she has a

relationship with is her husband and her grandchildren.

Kelley C.

TxCoastGal@... wrote:

I always wondered if other BPD kids are different from my daughter in this

respect. I am a real fan of hugs.

Even when my daughter was younger, she really was not that demonstrative,

and you practically had to beg her to hug you.

Is anyone / everyone else's like that?

Blondie

February 21, 2006

we got our hugs from our dad too! and our " i love you's " also. and when my

grandmother (her mom) had her stroke, she rushed to PA to be by her bedside and

show her " undying love " but it was all just a show. my gramma got the last

laugh b/c even though it was my mother who had sat by her bedside all through

the night, my gramma called her " donna jean " , which was the supposedly favored

daughter (in my mom's eyes). my gramma thought it was my aunt donna who had

sat with her all night long, not my mom. so her little show was for nothing.

my gramma died very soon after that.

things are going pretty good here! my H and i are off to HAWAII in april!

CANNOT WAIT! trying to get my youngest out of high school -- his father has

ruined him; he's got no drive and misses more days than he goes. such a waste

of a brain! i just need to LET GO. i keep reading that poem. let go, let go,

let go, let go.

your cyber sis,

kelley c.

funnygirl1154@... wrote:

In a message dated 2/21/2006 11:01:51 AM Eastern Standard Time,

kerk0522@... writes:

From a " reverse " view, my mother is bipolar and has (at a minimum) BP traits,

and she was never a hugger. She was never demonstrative with us growing up,

did not hug me or my siblings as children, did not spontaneously tell us that

she loved us or anything like that. Even as adults, prior to the time that

she terminated her relationship with me, any affection b/w us was initiated by

me. She also does not have a relationship with my sister, and prior to her

mother's death, had terminated her relationship with her. She also does not

have

a relationship with either of HER sisters. The only family person that she

has a relationship with is her husband and her grandchildren.

Kelley C.

Geez, cyber-sis, are you writing about me again? We got our hugs from my

dad. I could duplicate word for word what you just wrote, with the exception

that my mother " disowned " my brother many years ago, and at his funeral at age

36, got down on her knees at the altar with her " drama queen " act, begging

forgiveness. UGH! We kids never got hugs from her parents either. She does

speak

with all the rest of my siblings (5), but divorced my father (who lives

w/me). Her mother passed away in her care, and my mother, too, does not have a

relationship with her only sister, my aunt and godmother. So sad. She also

doesn't bother w/my two children or even my grandson.

Hope all is well with you, Kelley.

Your sis in cyber space.......

DebbieL

February 21, 2006

just trying to get him graduated. he's got adhd and he needs structure, etc.

he's lived with his dad for the last 18 months full-time (not something i

particularly wanted but at some point you can't fight it anymore) and he's gone

steadily downhill. he has to have math and english to graduate and he's doing

very poorly. his dad provides zero structure, treats him like an adult, when in

fact he's a 12 yo in an almost 18 yo's body. he's missed more classes in

february than he has gone. so i just need to let go and let god take care of

it. i can't control it from a distance and my ex isn't going to do anything

about it. you know how those exes are . . . we married twin brothers! all

talk, no action.

we got married on maui two years ago; we're going to the big island this time

around. we're really looking forward to it. my sdtr is crashing and burning

right now . . . she just got fired from her second job, after only being there

two weeks. complaints from co-workers, bad attitude, etc. she's already

rationalized it all in her mind, heard what she wanted to hear . . . the classic

BP stuff. she's supposed to start DBT in march and has her first appointment

with her new DBT therapist on march 21st. so we've got to actually have a sit

down with her BP mom to figure how all this is going to go . . .

give me strength lord. some days i just want to say screw it. not my kid;

not my problem.