welcome

[Guest guest]

Hello and welcome to our group!

You've come to the right place, and your story is no different than anyone

here. My daughter turned 19 Tuesday, but we had a very long roller coaster ride

for five years after she turned 13.

But, there is light at the end of the tunnel, do not give up hope, ours is a

success story. My daughter is (I'd like to think recovered), recovering

since

April '05. Almost a year now. No more meds, no more therapy. I've got my

little girl back finally. Thought I never would. You are steps ahead

already as

that first, she is aware and willing to work on herself. DBT therapy from

what I have read seems to work. My daughter too was on a myriad of meds.

First

and foremost, my daughter suffers from depression which is genetic. Passed

down from me, from my father. Then when trauma struck, she became chemically

imbalanced and that's when the disorders were triggered. She suffered PTSD,

became histrionic, all the traits, except that she didn't have the bad

raging.

But no different from your daughter. We went through the stages, the

defiance, the anger, the cutting, not going to school, not working, on and

on. While

this all began, her father and I were going thru a very nasty divorce.

Basically this is what started her troubles. He remained in our home, became

an

obsessed alienator, she hated me, where before, completely adored me. It was

horrible, and of course, I received just about no support from him when it

came

to helping her. Also, like yours, my daughter is extremely intelligent and

the

most awesome artist. It was such a terrible waste of beautiful talent, but

we are now working on this.

The trick for us was that I had to become someone else, totally change my

REACTIONS to her ACTIONS. This is key. I stopped enabling her. Stopped

financing her. All of this at age 18 as she became an adult. You have no

legal or

financial obligations to your daughter.

If you continue to let her remain in your home, if you continue to enable

her, finance her, feed her, she will continue with her bad behaviors as she

is

getting away with it. She has to do nothing to deserve the royal treatment

you

are giving her. Change you and it will change her. I sat my daughter down

with a contract. Something written down in black and white.

They dote on structure, need it. Like you said, she doesn't remember from

one minute to the next why she is crying, or raging, or what started her

raging.

Write things down. This is best. The contract states all of the boundaries

for me, what behaviors I will or will not tolerate while she is allowed to

live in my home. States the rules to be followed and the consequences when

they

are not. All of this stipulated for her and if broken, she could not remain

in our home. She never missed a single day of school from that night

forward,

she graduated high school, we bought her a second hand car as promised and

her jobs have lasted a lot longer than they had in the past. What had to

help

her get better was working on changing her thinking. Their thought

processing

is nothing like ours, and I truly believe it has everything to do with her

being chemically imbalanced. Serotonin is quite essential for our

psychological

well being. This chemical is naturally produced in our bodies, among

others.

Something happens, trauma, etc., to set of unnatural chemical reactions in

our brains, hence setting off the disorders. The brain becomes mush. Just

think about this, it makes such sense, DBT, Dialectal Behavioral Therapy.

What

is dialectal? It's talking.

It's talking and processing thoughts. When I sat my daughter down w/the

contract, it was one on one, I looked her square in the eye, I didn't even

have to

make her pay attention to me. And, much to my surprise, I did not get the

reaction from her that we all expect. She was quite calm, listening

intently,

said it didn't seem so bad. I made sure that she knew from the start how

much

I loved her, but I did not love what she was becoming. I did not get any of

the raging that I anticipated. The conversation worked, the contract worked.

She has regained her thinking processes, knows that now she has learned to

cope with life's issues now. Once in a while, her depression gets the best

of

her, but she sure doesn't let it trigger anything else. She handles it. She

won't go back to that place she was before.

I wanted to say too, to stop feeling selfish. You have a long way to go to

let go of the shame, the guilt, the fear, the anxiety, the feelings of

helplessness. It takes a long time, but it works when you let go. There are

some

sayings here in our group: you didn't CAUSE this, you can't CONTROL this and

you

can't CURE this.

Also, Get off her back

Get out of her way,

Give her to God,

and Get on with your life.

And don't feel terrified or guilty when not answering the phone thinking it's

her. I learned to answer her, if she was raging, to tell her to call back

when she can speak respectfully and not yell at me. Also, don't worry about

saying the wrong thing, the wrong way anticipating her reaction. You must

change

your reactions to her, then she will change her actions.

Another book that may help you and hubby is Co-Dependent No More. I think

this is important as your daughter is an adult and no longer your

responsibility. She mustn't be allowed to live under your roof, not working,

laying around

all day, sleeping, not being responsible. She needs to earn her keep. I

have

saved a copy of my contract if this would interest you. It has worked for

others here on the list. Making changes as they see fit to their own

situations. I wish you luck and sorry that we have to meet under these

circumstances.

Keep reading, keep posting. We are here to offer advice, support and hugs.

DebbieL

[Guest guest]

In a message dated 2/2/2006 9:32:34 PM Eastern Standard Time,

kristenk40@... writes:

I feel used and am trying to set clear boundaries

and be consistent. I am just so tired....and so very sad.

Oh , how I feel what you are feeling. Welcome to our group and yes,

you have come to the right place. Hugs to you, we feel your grief, pain, fear,

guilt, anxiety, feelings of helplessness. Hang in there sweetie, there is

hope. My daughter just turned 19. We have had chaos in our lives since she was

13, but this past (almost) year now has been a blessing and relief. Ours is

a success story, so don't lose hope or faith. I have my beautiful little girl

back and I missed her so! If you would like, email me direct. I don't think

I should have to burden the others here with all of our past again. So if

you would like to, you can email me direct. I will tell you our story, tell you

what we did to make it right and help her on the road to recovery. There is

hope , you can get through this. Setting boundaries for yourself,

getting past the guilt and the fear, setting rules and consequences for her.

There's much to do so let's get you started. Do you have some books? Stop

Walking on Eggshells and Co-Dependent No More are good for starters. And, your

daughter is now an adult so much of the recovery process will be on her. Does

she

live with you? Does she acknowledge her disorder? And is she willing to

help herself? These are big questions and essential if she is to recover. Let

me know and the biggest thing is that you realize that you are not alone in

this. There are many of us out there, and I'm glad you have found us. Hugs to

you!!

DebbieL

[Guest guest]

In a message dated 2/14/2006 5:41:38 PM Eastern Standard Time,

catfile49709@... writes:

The hardest one to understand is

how she can do this to the kids. My eldest grandchild has been to my

house at least two days a week since she's been born...this absence

must be very confusing to her! I'm not sure where to go with this

anymore. I love and miss her and my grandchildren, this is all so

painful.

Sorry so long folks,

Hi , welcome to our group. I'm so sorry you are going through all this

with your daughter, but the grands are the ones suffering the most. I'm sure

Jean here can tell you all about that. I have a grand too, he lives in KY.

Not my choice of places, I live in NJ so I don't get to see him much either and

it is heartbreaking. I am missing so much, he just turned 5 and moved there

two years ago. I had him up here in Jan. 04 for about two weeks then I went

down there for one wknd. at easter last year. I have plans to have a friend

coming up from Florida in April to stop and pick him up and bring him back here.

Will keep him for as long as I want, then hubby and I will drive him back

down in our motor home. I know however long I have him, it won't be enough.

You must take a stand with the grandchildren. No matter what, make sure you

get them as much as you can. You don't need to enable your daughter at all.

Don't wait for her to call being nice looking for a babysitter. Call

whenever, take them on a whim, to a park, whereever. Do you live near a beach?

I

would always call and ask to have my grand when they were living here. Just

take

him for a wknd. or whatever. I know it's hard trying to get past all these

issues with your daughter, but you have rights too. If I had know my grand's

mother was planning this move to KY, I would have been at my county courthouse

that day putting a stay to her leaving. I didn't find out until the very day,

she was already packed up in a u-haul and heading out. I didn't talk to her

for months, I hated her so. She ripped my heart out taking him away. He is

too young to be away from everyone of his family. They are all here in NJ.

There is no one in KY for them. I speak with her now, but am still mad at her.

Your daughter is old enough to be a responsible adult. Her choice in men

will probably never agree with you. And you don't ever have to do anything for

her, because if you let her, she will emotionally and financially drain you.

You have no obligation to her, but you must remain active with the

grandchildren as much as you can. Set boundaries for yourself, what behavior

you will and

will not tolerate from her. Don't jump everytime she calls needing something

from you. you will see she will only call you and be nice when she wants or

need something. Get yourself some books if you haven't done so already.

Co-Dependent No More and SWOE among others. Hang in there, there is hope. Good

luck to you and your family and enjoy those grandkids as much as possible.

Hugs,

DebbieL

[Guest guest]

In a message dated 2/15/2006 11:22:25 AM Eastern Standard Time,

catfile49709@... writes:

Thank you for welcoming me, I think I'm in the right place! :0)

Warm thought to you,

Thanks , and you are welcome too.

I wanted to clarify the thing about my grandson moving to KY. His mother is

not BPD, tho I think she may have some issues going on there. She is very

narcisstic and who knows what else. She didn't move to KY to take him away from

us. Her goal was to try and get custody of her, now 13, year old daughter.

You see, she was married to her daughter's father, they divorced, he moved to

California. She had custody of their daughter. While daughter was out to CA

visiting father, he went to court out there and filed for custody. The mom

flew out there and lost custody. What mother loses custody? So, underlying

issues we don't know about. She never told my son anything about her past but

we

had heard thru the grapevine that she had been undergoing some therapy and

meds at one point. So, I'm a little concerned about my grandson needless to

say.

She found out that he and her daughter had moved to KY to live near his

sister, and for other reasons, he apparently was running from the law in CA.

While he was in KY, my grandson and his mom packed up and went. Her whole goal

was to try and get custody of her daughter. She lost again, they moved back to

CA. In the meantime, she set up house there in KY and is attending college

to get her nursing degree. I'm kind of over being so mad w/her I might do

something rash if I saw her.

Now I deal as best I can, call as much as I can, send him packages all the

time. He's five now and I've missed so much. All the important years watching

all of his " firsts " . What is so sad about the whole thing is, is that I was

the only other relative besides my son, in the birthing room with her and

helped with bringing my grandson into the world. After he was born and cleaned

off and wrapped up, I was the one the nurse handed him too! I was the first to

hold him. My son had left the room to catch his breathe. I was holding him

as I made all the necessary phone calls to announce his arrival. Her own

mother, miss prissy I call her, didn't arrive til hours after the birth, said

hello, saw the baby then left. There are many issues going on in that family.

I

can't even socially chat with her mother, she's that whacked. Anyway, I do

what I can do. Last March, my husband and I, with truck and trailer packed,

moved my son 12 hours away to KY so he could be w/his son and " wife " .

My son came back last month. So much for that. My grandson and mom are

expected to be in KY another year til she finishes her schooling. With any

luck,

she and my son will finally get it together and move a lot closer, they are

looking at Pennsylvania. A lot closer for me. Ky is just way too far away.

Not close enough for a quick weekend visit.

I wish you and yours luck.

DebbieL

[Guest guest]

Thank you Blondie :0)

TxCoastGal@... wrote:

Welcome .

I hope that you find a great source of strength here, and that you can post

and find understanding and hope!

Lord knows we can all use that!

Blondie

In a message dated 2/14/2006 4:41:46 P.M. Central Standard Time,

catfile49709@... writes:

Hi,

My name is and I fear that my eldest daughter may be BPD.

I have noticed over the years that she could get overly emotional

over things and also at times be very unmoved...

[Guest guest]

Hi Debbie,

Good Grief! My situation is simular to yours!

When my son in law clued me in to what they thought I had done, he commented

that I would never see my f'ing kids again. (is that a funky thing to say or

what???) They are HIS children not mine! And using the F word like that, about

his own children!

They had gone out and gotten a loan of some sort that helps young couples get

their own home, I have no idea where it is. They changed their phone number and

didn't give it to me. To be cut off and out like that over something so

obviously not true, well...that was when I could no longer kid myself. I had to

except that something was seriously wrong here.

I am 24,000.00 in debt because of them. I have opened up my home for them 4

different times and been kicked in the face, each new time worse than the last.

I've been given to understand that my son in law has been caught stealing at

work, and pulling stunts like glueing peoples lockers and etc.I don't think my

daughter is aware of what he is doing and this will be a shock. I believe that

one day this will all come down on them and daughter will show up wanting me to

help her, again, and the only help I will allow myself to give is a safe place

for the grandchildren to stay. I can't kid myself any longer....

My friends have been a god send while I've been dealing with this, they've

known me and mine for years and saw some of this coming at me and were

distressed that I couldn't. (or should I say, wouldn't) I've been fortunate in

my friends.

Thank you for welcoming me, I think I'm in the right place! :0)

Warm thought to you,

---------------------------------

Brings words and photos together (easily) with

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[Guest guest]

welcome newcomers, we are indeed great listeners and we do emphathize with you,

we have walked in your shoes...boots...

Mine is 31, has been a life of challenges....I am coping much better now, she

doesn't get under my skin as much but she can....I mediatate, talk it out, walk

it out, have clear boundaries which all help.

Yesterday I was with a friend and I said maybe we could write a book of the

funny things she has done....it would be a best seller it is so bizzare....she

is only one I know who can milk a cow and then throw it away until she needs it

again....

Her new " business " is doing well.....I feel sick inside when I think about what

they do at that massage place....massage specailized body parts....

It is called " Heavens Massage " I guess you get a taste of heaven when you

visit.....

anyway...laughter helps...tears cleanse....

and may we all have a peaceful day today

Elaine

May there be peace on earth and may it begin with me and with each one of us

Elaine

---------------------------------

Find your next car at Yahoo! Canada Autos

[Guest guest]

In a message dated 3/23/2006 5:19:51 PM Eastern Standard Time,

gina244881@... writes:

We have no leverage with him. He is

self destructive and would live under a bush if threatened to kick

him out. He has done so. Does this all sound familiar and how do you

live with it?

Hi and Welcome! I am so sorry you are dealing with this, but you know

you have already gone over and above the call of duty. Putting him up in an

apartment is more than I would have done. Your son is an adult, you are no

longer responsible for him and you cannot " fix " him. Enabling him in this way

is

only letting his behavior continue. Trust me, he won't live " under a bush " if

he wasn't living with you. These kids are quite resourceful.

I have a son, 29 now. Major alcoholic. He has been booted from everywhere

he lives, and I will NOT take him in. He can't hold a job, is always sick

because his immune system is shot.

If I were to let him in, he would walk all over us and continue with his self

destructive behaviors.

I have a daughter, 19, recovering/recovered from BPD. Her disorders began at

age 13 and finally at age 18 I implemented changes. I became someone else,

not her mother. I treated her as if she were someone else's daughter. I set

boundaries. I drew up a contract with her, setting rules and consequences.

She had been booted out twice prior to that, and since had completed HS and

graduated and is well now almost a year! We went through it all......7

different

facilites, psychs, therapists, meds galore. Only one therapist in the end did

some good for her. But she had stopped going to her and her behaviors

continued even though she was seeing her. It wasn't until the contract that

things

changed. I had to make her think I didn't care anymore. Make her think that

if she didn't care about her future and finishing school, then why should I?

It broke my heart to act this way but it was the only thing that worked. Your

son needs to see for himself what his behaviors are doing to him and the

lives of everyone around him. Would you put up with these behaviors from a

stranger or friend of his living with you? I think not. I know it is hard, but

you

have to start thinking with your head and not your heart. In the end you

will be happy you did.

Know that you have come to right place, you will get lots of support here

from all of us.

This is a great group of people here. I have truly made some wonderful

friends here. Even though things are finally well with my daughter, I couldn't

leave the group here. I will continue to advocate on behalf of my daughter for

others here and for all the newbies that arrive and hope that my input will

have some positive effect on your lives. Get yourself some books, SWOE and

Co-Dependent No More should help greatly. Keep learning as much as you can

about

this disorder. Keep reading here and posting.

Hugs,

DebbieL