Re: Grief

February 13, 2006

Kisten, I don't have any answers except to say that I feel your pain. It has

been the worst agony of my life to have our dear son separate from us. I just

try to focus on our other son and my husband and maintain some sort of life for

us. I also pray a lot.

PJ

>

> Date: 2006/02/13 Mon PM 04:28:33 PST

> To: WTOParentsOfBPs

> Subject: Grief

>

February 14, 2006

In a message dated 2/13/2006 7:32:38 PM Eastern Standard Time,

kristenk40@... writes:

Where is the

boundary for my sadness,my love, my heart?

,

I don't know how to comfort you. I have been there before so I know exactly

how you feel.

I'm sending you a big, warm hug. I know you need it. I don't know, I think

I just got myself mad. The grief and sorrow took a long time to go away, the

thought that I had lost my little girl was sometimes so overwhelming. I ran

out of tears. It's too easy to say let her go, and so much harder to do. I

just had to get mad, it's a little hard to remember exactly how I did it. What

happened was she wasn't getting up for school. She was facing the notion of

not graduating with her class. To me this was the most important goal. I

totally changed my thinking to her, made her think I didn't care anymore if she

finished or not, it was her life.

I was able to kick her out when she turned 18. But when she returned the 2d

time, I did the contract thing and other things as she's better. Your

situation is different, she's not there.

I know it's easier said than done, but you just have to get yourself to stop

fretting and worrying on a minute to minute basis. It's not healthy for you.

You must take care of yourself. She will be fine. I know you are grieving

over not having a relationship with her, but you will. It will just take time.

She has to acknowledge she has the problem, she has to work on fixing it.

You've done what you can do. You can do nothing more. When other people

around her realize what she is doing, then maybe something will be said to her

from

outsiders that maybe she will listen. When she calls you all the time just

when she needs something, tell her you don't have it. You can't help her out.

This is not a relationship.

You tell her when she can respect and appreciate you and all you do for her,

then you might help her but not until then. She needs to EARN whatever she

gets from anyone. Not through manipulation. Maybe when she sees that she's

pushed everyone who loves her out of her life, then maybe she will wake up. You

need to find a local NAMI center. Anywhere you can go to speak with others.

Check with your state's mental health bureau. They can direct you. You need

to keep busy, move on with your life and taking care of yourself.

I know it's hard, but it can be done. I have done it and lot here in our

group have done it.

Where do you live? If you want to talk I can give you my 800# here at work,

you can call me if you like. Let me know!

Hugs to you,

DebbieL

February 14, 2006

You will feel the grief and pain less and less as time goes by. You need to

understand that it is not that she doesn't love you. At the moment she is

so consumed by her messed up mind that she doesn't know what she thinks. And

she may never be able to love you or show you love the way normal people do.

They are like babies in that they are very " ME " oriented. When one loves

someone they tend to put that person's needs before their own----which you have

been doing. Don't ever expect anyone with these disorders to put anyone

before themselves. They are totally self centered.

I would definitely set up those boundaries to protect yourself. Even now

that my daughter and I have been getting along, I wonder how much of her

interest in me is simply because she needs me to pick up the boys and babysit

while

she is at work. Like last year when she had money and didn't need me, she

threw me aside like an old hat and even pushed me out of my grandsons' lives.

You will grieve for what you thought you had with her, but it will never be

a normal two sided relationship. I wonder if even therapy helps that. I

also wonder if they will ever learn to love in the sense we know it.

But the only hope I can give you is that you will learn to accept and deal

with her as she is and have no expectations for her. That is where I keep

faltering. When she acts normally for a while, I start to think maybe she is

" growing " out of it, but then reality hits and I know I will suffer less

emotionally by having no expectations.

Jean

February 14, 2006

,

I wish I could answer these questions for you. I understand your pain very

well. My daughter will be 39 on Thursday and we haven't seen or heard from her

in over 7 years. It's like a death but yet I know she is still alive.

She hates us (Hubby and I) because we stole her son. When her son was 18

months she brought him to us to take care of until she got her life straightened

out. 6 months later she wanted to take him back but her life style was worse.

She was living in a crack house and they wanted to revoke her probation because

she was not following the terms. I couldn't let my grandson go back to that -

not if I wanted to sleep at night - so I went to court and got temporary

custody. I honestly believed that the judge giving us custody would wake her

up. But all she could think about was herself and how much she was hurt by us.

She told me once that I should be more concerned about her because she was my

child and he was only my grandchild. She not only wrote us out of her life but

her son too and that makes me really mad. No child deserves to be treated that

way.

I will always grieve for the loss of my daughter - I doubt the pain will ever

go away. But I try to focus on my grandson and my other daughter who is a very

kind and loving person and try to count my blessings.

Big hugs to you!!!!!

kmaria240 kristenk40@...> wrote:

Where do I put the grief?? the sadness? the loss? she has written us

out of her life, has no feelings for us, instead we are simply 'the

parents'. 13 years gone....in a poof?? She calls only when she needs

something......and we are putting up good boundaries as far as what we

will or can do to aid and assist her. Her insurance ends in a

week....rent money is due (although she did finally get a job)...and

all the hospital bills come in from the last six weeks of hell. So, I

can put up a boundary around my physical being....around the financial

support.....but how do I handle the heart pain??? Where is the

boundary for my sadness,my love, my heart?

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From Randi Kreger, Owner of BPDCentral and the WTO Online Community

February 19, 2006

Hi ,

I am so hearing you.....with the sincerest of empathy!! I can identify.....I

too a daughter who - well you've summed it up - has not one ounce of interest in

our family.....only hear from her when she has a motive....my heart has been

trampled intensely too, and like you -the grief is almost unbearable at

times....I wound up in hospital on a heart monitor alittle over a week ago.....I

know that my physical being was reacting to the emotional self....continuing to

talk is helping - so please know I am a great listener who also needs this

group. Even though I am new to this group - I have walked along time alone with

the turmoil of my daughter's vile actions - it has been hope that lit my way to

this group. It's getting the time in for self care and reading/responding to

posts. I've learned that I need to share in order to heal. With that, I send my

hope to you.

Kathy