Re: The Roller Coaster Ride......

[Guest guest]

I just wanted you to know that my heart goes out to you, having been there, I

wish I could take some of your pain away. You are not alone and I send you my

strength.

The Roller Coaster Ride......

Talk about roller coaster rides.....I have been on one with my 17 year

old daughter who has been diagnosed with bi-polar and BPD. She had run

away for 4 weeks and returned home 2 weeks ago. It was going ok until

yesterday when she decided to skip school and run away (again). I

tried calling her to tell her to come home and we would talk about it.

She told me she could'nt stand being near me and would come home

tomorrow. Well since she is still on CHINS I called her probation

officer and they put a warrant out for her arrest. She is causing this

family so much grief and turmoil. I realize from being on this roller

coaster ride that the emotions are so intense for me. I just want to

get off now. I am running out of steam so to say and I just want some

peace in my life. Nothing is working......

Problems? Ask our friendly List Manager for help, @.... SEND

HER ANY POSTS THAT CONCERN YOU; DO NOT RESPOND ONLINE.

Essential reading to help you feel better and understand the BP in your life

are:

SWOE ( " Stop Walking on Eggshells) and the SWOE Workbook (for everyone)

HOPE FOR PARENTS

Call 888-35-SHELL () to order your copies.

From Randi Kreger, Owner of BPDCentral and the WTO Online Community

[Guest guest]

Which makes me wonder when is enough enough? When they run away should we let

them go and deny them back if they do? I honestly and sincerely question that

maybe this should happen........ I know when my daughter would take off, I

would look and look for her, I now wonder how enabling it was for her and a

manipulating tool. We don't have the problem now (she's 19 and I wish she

would leave haha). Just curious on everyone's thoughts.

kaknits1 jkldski4@...> wrote: Talk about roller coaster rides.....I

have been on one with my 17 year

old daughter who has been diagnosed with bi-polar and BPD. She had run

away for 4 weeks and returned home 2 weeks ago. It was going ok until

yesterday when she decided to skip school and run away (again). I

tried calling her to tell her to come home and we would talk about it.

She told me she could'nt stand being near me and would come home

tomorrow. Well since she is still on CHINS I called her probation

officer and they put a warrant out for her arrest. She is causing this

family so much grief and turmoil. I realize from being on this roller

coaster ride that the emotions are so intense for me. I just want to

get off now. I am running out of steam so to say and I just want some

peace in my life. Nothing is working......

Problems? Ask our friendly List Manager for help, @....

SEND HER ANY POSTS THAT CONCERN YOU; DO NOT RESPOND ONLINE.

Essential reading to help you feel better and understand the BP in your life

are:

• SWOE ( " Stop Walking on Eggshells”) and the SWOE Workbook (for everyone)

• HOPE FOR PARENTS

Call 888-35-SHELL () to order your copies.

From Randi Kreger, Owner of BPDCentral and the WTO Online Community

[Guest guest]

This is a tough call. I think everyone has their own standards and " last

drop " / " last straw " , and I don't think anyone knows what it will be until it

happens. However, I think throwing them out should be something that isn't

done impulsively. When we did it, we tried to give her the opportunity to

pick up the skills to live independently. She didn't accept them, so the

consequences are hers. However, throwing out a clueless kid with no training

seems a bit harsh. I would think this is something where we need to respect

each other's judgment and also I personally would be working closely with a

counselor to find a way to do it that would profit my kid. Does that make

sense? Otherwise, it is like the folks who spank their kids abusively, and

that gives spanking a bad name when others just use it to keep their 2 year

old from stepping off the curb and killing himself. Does that make sense?

Helen

_____

From: WTOParentsOfBPs

[mailto:WTOParentsOfBPs ] On Behalf Of Jamal Jilao

Sent: Thursday, June 01, 2006 5:02 PM

To: WTOParentsOfBPs

Subject: Re: The Roller Coaster Ride......

Which makes me wonder when is enough enough? When they run away should we

let them go and deny them back if they do? I honestly and sincerely

question that maybe this should happen........ I know when my daughter

would take off, I would look and look for her, I now wonder how enabling it

was for her and a manipulating tool. We don't have the problem now (she's

19 and I wish she would leave haha). Just curious on everyone's thoughts.

kaknits1 jkldski4@...> wrote: Talk about roller coaster

rides.....I have been on one with my 17 year

old daughter who has been diagnosed with bi-polar and BPD. She had run

away for 4 weeks and returned home 2 weeks ago. It was going ok until

yesterday when she decided to skip school and run away (again). I

tried calling her to tell her to come home and we would talk about it.

She told me she could'nt stand being near me and would come home

tomorrow. Well since she is still on CHINS I called her probation

officer and they put a warrant out for her arrest. She is causing this

family so much grief and turmoil. I realize from being on this roller

coaster ride that the emotions are so intense for me. I just want to

get off now. I am running out of steam so to say and I just want some

peace in my life. Nothing is working......

Problems? Ask our friendly List Manager for help,

@.... SEND HER ANY POSTS THAT CONCERN YOU; DO NOT RESPOND

ONLINE.

Essential reading to help you feel better and understand the BP in your

life are:

. SWOE ( " Stop Walking on Eggshells " ) and the SWOE Workbook (for

everyone)

. HOPE FOR PARENTS

Call 888-35-SHELL () to order your copies.

From Randi Kreger, Owner of BPDCentral and the WTO Online Community

[Guest guest]

Yikes! I'm sorry for you! If they pick her up, what next?

Helen

_____

From: WTOParentsOfBPs

[mailto:WTOParentsOfBPs ] On Behalf Of kaknits1

Sent: Thursday, June 01, 2006 4:12 PM

To: WTOParentsOfBPs

Subject: The Roller Coaster Ride......

Talk about roller coaster rides.....I have been on one with my 17 year

old daughter who has been diagnosed with bi-polar and BPD. She had run

away for 4 weeks and returned home 2 weeks ago. It was going ok until

yesterday when she decided to skip school and run away (again). I

tried calling her to tell her to come home and we would talk about it.

She told me she could'nt stand being near me and would come home

tomorrow. Well since she is still on CHINS I called her probation

officer and they put a warrant out for her arrest. She is causing this

family so much grief and turmoil. I realize from being on this roller

coaster ride that the emotions are so intense for me. I just want to

get off now. I am running out of steam so to say and I just want some

peace in my life. Nothing is working......

Problems? Ask our friendly List Manager for help, @....

SEND HER ANY POSTS THAT CONCERN YOU; DO NOT RESPOND ONLINE.

Essential reading to help you feel better and understand the BP in your life

are:

.. SWOE ( " Stop Walking on Eggshells " ) and the SWOE Workbook (for

everyone)

.. HOPE FOR PARENTS

Call 888-35-SHELL () to order your copies.

From Randi Kreger, Owner of BPDCentral and the WTO Online Community

[Guest guest]

I agree with Helen on this one but respect any individual to make the choices

that are best for them and their family. My daughter never ran away, but I

would not have put her out at the age of 17, 18, 19 or 20. There were times I

wished that I could have, living with her and her habits were painful. I

installed locks on all the bedroom doors so I could feel safe sleeping at night

with her home on those occasions when she was having a very bad day. I lock my

bedroom door when I leave the house so I could feel safe about not having my

room searched. Since Jan. 06, she no longer has a key to the house or the alarm

code and password.

We worked hard with her trying to get her the therapists, meds, support groups,

IOP's inpatient facilities, contracts, DBT therapy, college tries, etc until

she seemed better in some ways. Now she is 21 and wants to play the fence

between freedom and that place to fall called home. Love it Hate it routine.

But now it is no longer her decision or right to be at home, inflicting us with

her poor lifestyle choices. She has passed that time. But until she did, I

wanted to do everything I could to help her. So when I did say it's time to

leave, I could say it with a clear conscience and knowing that I had done all I

could to help her get the skills she needed to live a good life. She will not be

able to say that we never tried to help her, in her own heart, she will know

that wasn't true.

She still needs to learn to respect the rules of your home. Perhaps finding a

hook, something that she wants more than being bad all the time and use that.

For us it was the computer and the car. I have the plan that helped me to get

control of our house again and will send it to you if you like. Email me at

tlh930@... if you would like it.

Re: The Roller Coaster Ride......

Which makes me wonder when is enough enough? When they run away should we

let them go and deny them back if they do? I honestly and sincerely

question that maybe this should happen........ I know when my daughter

would take off, I would look and look for her, I now wonder how enabling it

was for her and a manipulating tool. We don't have the problem now (she's

19 and I wish she would leave haha). Just curious on everyone's thoughts.

kaknits1 jkldski4@...> wrote: Talk about roller coaster

rides.....I have been on one with my 17 year

old daughter who has been diagnosed with bi-polar and BPD. She had run

away for 4 weeks and returned home 2 weeks ago. It was going ok until

yesterday when she decided to skip school and run away (again). I

tried calling her to tell her to come home and we would talk about it.

She told me she could'nt stand being near me and would come home

tomorrow. Well since she is still on CHINS I called her probation

officer and they put a warrant out for her arrest. She is causing this

family so much grief and turmoil. I realize from being on this roller

coaster ride that the emotions are so intense for me. I just want to

get off now. I am running out of steam so to say and I just want some

peace in my life. Nothing is working......

Problems? Ask our friendly List Manager for help,

@.... SEND HER ANY POSTS THAT CONCERN YOU; DO NOT RESPOND

ONLINE.

Essential reading to help you feel better and understand the BP in your

life are:

. SWOE ( " Stop Walking on Eggshells " ) and the SWOE Workbook (for

everyone)

. HOPE FOR PARENTS

Call 888-35-SHELL () to order your copies.

From Randi Kreger, Owner of BPDCentral and the WTO Online Community

[Guest guest]

In a message dated 6/1/2006 4:14:17 PM Eastern Standard Time,

jkldski4@... writes:

Well since she is still on CHINS I called her probation

officer and they put a warrant out for her arrest

Well hopefully now with an arrest she will get the picture. I am so sorry

you are still going through all this w/your daughter. When my daughter had run

away the final time, she came home and I told her to back her bags. If she

didn't like it here, then she could go find someplace that she did like. They

appreciate what they are missing when it's gone.

DebbieL

[Guest guest]

I'm sorry you are currently going through this. I went through it, too. My

daughter was younger (13 or 14) and was running away. She had a CHINS order

that she ignored initially.

She is a tricky age -- not quite an adult though, so you may be able to have her

hospitalized for a pyschiatric review and help. In my daughter's CHINs order,

counseling was mandatory and that was a condition for her to live in my home at

the time.

Has she received therapy? It may calm her down.

I do believe they sometimes need a change of scenery from us. It sounds like

your daughter, like mine, blames you and may associate your home with all the

bad things in her life. My daughter went to live with her father and when we

talked I did point out that I was sorry she was feeling badly, it went with her

and it was up to her to reverse it. I think the brief 8 mos counseling helped

and consequences over the years.

Once they reach maturity, it is hard for you to help her directly anymore.

In the meantime, it would help if you had some time away from her, but knowing

where she is she is safe. I spent 5 years not reacting to her reactions. Not

giving " bating " her so she stopped verbally attacking me and providing love and

consistency with her so she knew what to expect. It helps. Take care of

yourself. De-stressing is important for you.

Do you have other children? Do you have hobbies or other things that bring you

calm and joy? I would concentrate on that for now -- once you know your baby is

safe.

Just my thoughts,

Carol

> Talk about roller coaster rides.....I have been on one with my 17 year

> old daughter who has been diagnosed with bi-polar and BPD. She had run

> away for 4 weeks and returned home 2 weeks ago. It was going ok until

> yesterday when she decided to skip school and run away (again). I

> tried calling her to tell her to come home and we would talk about it.

> She told me she could'nt stand being near me and would come home

> tomorrow. Well since she is still on CHINS I called her probation

> officer and they put a warrant out for her arrest. She is causing this

> family so much grief and turmoil. I realize from being on this roller

> coaster ride that the emotions are so intense for me. I just want to

> get off now. I am running out of steam so to say and I just want some

> peace in my life. Nothing is working......

>

>

>

>

>

>

> Problems? Ask our friendly List Manager for help, @....

SEND

> HER ANY POSTS THAT CONCERN YOU; DO NOT RESPOND ONLINE.

>

> Essential reading to help you feel better and understand the BP in your life

> are:

>

> • SWOE ( " Stop Walking on Eggshells”) and the SWOE Workbook (for everyone)

> • HOPE FOR PARENTS

>

> Call 888-35-SHELL () to order your copies.

>

> From Randi Kreger, Owner of BPDCentral and the WTO Online Community

>

>

[Guest guest]

The hardest time for me has always been when she tells me she can't

stand to be around me....and/or avoids all my efforts to communicate

with her. I am learning to disassoiate from the pain. It is getting

a tad easier, being here.

I have to also say, when I see her online on one of our chat

programs that we both use....and she does not IM me day after day,

it's crushing

Shanara

>

> Talk about roller coaster rides.....I have been on one with my 17

year

> old daughter who has been diagnosed with bi-polar and BPD. She

had run

> away for 4 weeks and returned home 2 weeks ago. It was going ok

until

> yesterday when she decided to skip school and run away (again). I

> tried calling her to tell her to come home and we would talk about

it.

> She told me she could'nt stand being near me and would come home

> tomorrow. Well since she is still on CHINS I called her probation

> officer and they put a warrant out for her arrest. She is causing

this

> family so much grief and turmoil. I realize from being on this

roller

> coaster ride that the emotions are so intense for me. I just want

to

> get off now. I am running out of steam so to say and I just want

some

> peace in my life. Nothing is working......

>

[Guest guest]

Well of course I am new and I dont know exactly what should be

done....but I just am not the kind of parent that could say to any

of my kids, " you can't come here " when they have no place else to

go. UNLESS they are abusing drugs or alcohol. Which is a choice.

I guess we all have to figure out what works for us, but that's my

position. I think it would be harder on me to say no, they for her

to be told no.

Shanara

Talk about roller coaster

rides.....I have been on one with my 17 year

> old daughter who has been diagnosed with bi-polar and BPD. She

had run

> away for 4 weeks and returned home 2 weeks ago. It was going ok

until

> yesterday when she decided to skip school and run away (again).

I

> tried calling her to tell her to come home and we would talk

about it.

> She told me she could'nt stand being near me and would come home

> tomorrow. Well since she is still on CHINS I called her

probation

> officer and they put a warrant out for her arrest. She is

causing this

> family so much grief and turmoil. I realize from being on this

roller

> coaster ride that the emotions are so intense for me. I just

want to

> get off now. I am running out of steam so to say and I just

want some

> peace in my life. Nothing is working......

>

>

>

>

>

> Problems? Ask our friendly List Manager for help,

@... SEND HER ANY POSTS THAT CONCERN YOU; DO NOT RESPOND

ONLINE.

>

> Essential reading to help you feel better and understand the BP

in your life are:

>

> • SWOE ( " Stop Walking on Eggshells " ) and the SWOE Workbook

(for everyone)

> • HOPE FOR PARENTS

>

> Call 888-35-SHELL () to order your copies.

>

> From Randi Kreger, Owner of BPDCentral and the WTO Online

Community

>

>

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

Well, now that I think back on it...when my daughter was 17 we had a

horrible argument about her obeying the rules of the house. I told

her either you adhere to the rules or you move out. She moved out.

But she moved back in about 2 months.....

She had gone off to a friend's house and those parents (who were

appalled that I was such a bad mother) allowed her to live in their

garage. She got up one night for a drink of water and said when she

opened the cabinet for a glass, there were roaches all over the

dishes. That was when she decided our rules were not so bad after

all.

Shanara

Talk about roller coaster

> rides.....I have been on one with my 17 year

> old daughter who has been diagnosed with bi-polar and BPD. She

had run

> away for 4 weeks and returned home 2 weeks ago. It was going ok

until

> yesterday when she decided to skip school and run away (again).

I

> tried calling her to tell her to come home and we would talk

about it.

> She told me she could'nt stand being near me and would come home

> tomorrow. Well since she is still on CHINS I called her

probation

> officer and they put a warrant out for her arrest. She is

causing this

> family so much grief and turmoil. I realize from being on this

roller

> coaster ride that the emotions are so intense for me. I just

want to

> get off now. I am running out of steam so to say and I just

want some

> peace in my life. Nothing is working......

>

>

>

>

>

> Problems? Ask our friendly List Manager for help,

> @... SEND HER ANY POSTS THAT CONCERN YOU; DO NOT RESPOND

> ONLINE.

>

> Essential reading to help you feel better and understand the BP

in your

> life are:

>

> . SWOE ( " Stop Walking on Eggshells " ) and the SWOE Workbook

(for

> everyone)

> . HOPE FOR PARENTS

>

> Call 888-35-SHELL () to order your copies.

>

> From Randi Kreger, Owner of BPDCentral and the WTO Online

Community

>

>

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

Shanara,

When you directly says something hurtful to you, it's ok to directly say that's

very hurtful. Over time, she may stop.

My daughter refused to give me her e-mail for years. When I e-mail her, she

rarely responds by e-mail. I know she e-mails all her " online friends " some of

which she met that way......

Try not to take their behaviors personally. They get a charge out of that --

it's "

power " to them and makes them feel better if we feel badly. Remember, they are

hurting inside, always. We cannot make their pain go away. But, we can prevent

them from making others (us) feel badly but not falling for their crap.

Whenever my daughter uses bad words, I remind her gently.... If she is hurtful

to me, I say something. If she is complaining about the whole world and how

terrible they are I tell her " I am sorry you are feeling this way, " or " I am

sorry you feel badly. "

It works,

Carol

-------------- Original message --------------

> The hardest time for me has always been when she tells me she can't

> stand to be around me....and/or avoids all my efforts to communicate

> with her. I am learning to disassoiate from the pain. It is getting

> a tad easier, being here.

>

> I have to also say, when I see her online on one of our chat

> programs that we both use....and she does not IM me day after day,

> it's crushing

>

> Shanara

>

>

>

> >

> > Talk about roller coaster rides.....I have been on one with my 17

> year

> > old daughter who has been diagnosed with bi-polar and BPD. She

> had run

> > away for 4 weeks and returned home 2 weeks ago. It was going ok

> until

> > yesterday when she decided to skip school and run away (again). I

> > tried calling her to tell her to come home and we would talk about

> it.

> > She told me she could'nt stand being near me and would come home

> > tomorrow. Well since she is still on CHINS I called her probation

> > officer and they put a warrant out for her arrest. She is causing

> this

> > family so much grief and turmoil. I realize from being on this

> roller

> > coaster ride that the emotions are so intense for me. I just want

> to

> > get off now. I am running out of steam so to say and I just want

> some

> > peace in my life. Nothing is working......

> >

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

> Problems? Ask our friendly List Manager for help, @....

SEND

> HER ANY POSTS THAT CONCERN YOU; DO NOT RESPOND ONLINE.

>

> Essential reading to help you feel better and understand the BP in your life

> are:

>

> • SWOE ( " Stop Walking on Eggshells”) and the SWOE Workbook (for everyone)

> • HOPE FOR PARENTS

>

> Call 888-35-SHELL () to order your copies.

>

> From Randi Kreger, Owner of BPDCentral and the WTO Online Community

>

>

[Guest guest]

p.s. When my daughter tells me I am annoying, I tell her that's my job! If I

wasn't, I wouldn't be doing my job!!!!!!

-------------- Original message --------------

> The hardest time for me has always been when she tells me she can't

> stand to be around me....and/or avoids all my efforts to communicate

> with her. I am learning to disassoiate from the pain. It is getting

> a tad easier, being here.

>

> I have to also say, when I see her online on one of our chat

> programs that we both use....and she does not IM me day after day,

> it's crushing

>

> Shanara

>

>

>

> >

> > Talk about roller coaster rides.....I have been on one with my 17

> year

> > old daughter who has been diagnosed with bi-polar and BPD. She

> had run

> > away for 4 weeks and returned home 2 weeks ago. It was going ok

> until

> > yesterday when she decided to skip school and run away (again). I

> > tried calling her to tell her to come home and we would talk about

> it.

> > She told me she could'nt stand being near me and would come home

> > tomorrow. Well since she is still on CHINS I called her probation

> > officer and they put a warrant out for her arrest. She is causing

> this

> > family so much grief and turmoil. I realize from being on this

> roller

> > coaster ride that the emotions are so intense for me. I just want

> to

> > get off now. I am running out of steam so to say and I just want

> some

> > peace in my life. Nothing is working......

> >

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

> Problems? Ask our friendly List Manager for help, @....

SEND

> HER ANY POSTS THAT CONCERN YOU; DO NOT RESPOND ONLINE.

>

> Essential reading to help you feel better and understand the BP in your life

> are:

>

> • SWOE ( " Stop Walking on Eggshells”) and the SWOE Workbook (for everyone)

> • HOPE FOR PARENTS

>

> Call 888-35-SHELL () to order your copies.

>

> From Randi Kreger, Owner of BPDCentral and the WTO Online Community

>

>

[Guest guest]

In a message dated 6/2/2006 4:47:54 PM Eastern Standard Time,

shadoweve@... writes:

The hardest time for me has always been when she tells me she can't

stand to be around me....

Shanara,

One of my mantras going through this w/my daughter was, " the more I

pushed, the more I pushed her away. " I learned to be not so available to her

and

she came around.

DebbieL

[Guest guest]

HI Debbie....Well, that is the position I am now taking. Not being

so available to her. So far, she is ignoring me so she has not

figured it out yet.

We both use Yahoo Messenger for chatting. In the past she would keep

me on her ignore list so I could not tell when she was online.

Because she worried I would IM her every time I saw her there. She

was right, I did that. Just to say " hi " and touch bases. Needing to

know she was okay (since she seldom tells me).

But I have already stopped doing that and I see she is online a lot

more than I had realized now. She no longer puts me on her ignore

list (or, so it seems) and I do not IM her every time I see her

there. I am waiting for her to IM me for a change.

The incident with the cat has been a real eye opener for me. Maybe

for her too.

Shanara

>

> In a message dated 6/2/2006 4:47:54 PM Eastern Standard Time,

> shadoweve@... writes:

> The hardest time for me has always been when she tells me she

can't

> stand to be around me....

> Shanara,

>

> One of my mantras going through this w/my daughter was, " the

more I

> pushed, the more I pushed her away. " I learned to be not so

available to her and

> she came around.

>

> DebbieL

>

>

>