Guest guest Posted May 26, 2006 Report Share Posted May 26, 2006 Jeez Louise, !!!!! I just about fell out of my chair reading this. Are you really the same person who wrote last week? I have thinking about you and wondering because we hadn't heard from you. Boy, were you busy. I'll bet your daughter got the absolute shock of her life when the police came. Then when you started laying down the law--I'm just so thrilled to read that it made such a quick impression on her. Now, little by little, hopefully things will be easier and easier for both of you. One day at a time, that's the way to do it; you are now sitting in the pilot's seat. Please keep in touch. This is truly a week for good news! My day has officially been made. Hugs, Deborah --- patricia atcheson connect4love@...> wrote: > Congrats DebbieL and Elaine! It's so nice and really > hopeful to read that things can and do improve > eventually! I'm catching up on around 75 emails > now. > > Things have been more stressed but with all the > different types of support I've sought after, it has > given me strength and more hope!! Thank you > all!!!!!!! > > Personally, I have been all over the place this > last week. Had a supervisor to the ER clinicians at > Community Mental Health spend an hour or so with me, > listening and explaining the law to me and things to > do when my daughter goes into an awful rage. Also, > read all the notes of my bpdd's that her friends > wrote to her and discovered that she has " sniffed " > something. I freaked! The one positive thing about > it is this best female friend of hers was telling > her she didn't like to see her unhappy or angry and > then asked if she had sniffed anymore of that stuff. > Then asked why she was doing that, she really wanted > to know. Since it was her best friend, maybe it > touched her?? > I found myself leaving her a message that I > wouldn't be back until around 9-10pm and headed for > a Narcotics Anonymous meeting as I wanted to talk to > those that have used, when they started, what crisis > happened that brought them there, etc. Then I've > gone to an Alanon meeting as well as long meeting > called " Shadow Voices " which is all about mental > health illnesses, etc. All was very enlightening, > people encouraging and then my prayers have been > answered for giving me more strength and knowledge > on how to handle the situation I have here. All of > you.....reading all you have to say > has also given me the strength to keep going, > learning and to take action! Thank you!!! > > I was sooooo fearful of my daughter when she > started with such bad behavior, swearing, throwing > things, hitting the walls and counter with her > fists, slamming doors and mumbling how she was going > to " snap " that " I " , thanks to all the support, > have changed my behavior. I have not been as much > of a mom as I should have been and it made me a > " wuse " (pardon the expression) in the midst of the > chaos. I have never been one to raise my voice or > even spank her since she was 6 yrs > old when the worse thing happened to her. I > shocked her yesterday when she began this type of > behavior and called the police without her knowing > it. They were at the door yelling police and she > grabbed her head with both hands as I yelled for > them to come in. I had expected her to go into a > full fledged episode, destroying things, screaming > and threatening me but this time, wouldn't you know > it, the police got here too quick. It certainly > shocked her! Of course she told them that she was > just mad because I wouldn't talk to her, which was > just the opposite, she wouldn't answer me! Amazing! > One officer stepped outside with me and asked if she > was bipolar and I said they were giving her meds for > that but she hasn't seen anyone for a couple of > months now as she refused. Anyway, I left when they > did and so she didn't manipulate me by making me > think she was going to hurt herself. About an hour > later I called her on her cell phone which she didnt > answer, left a message that > I needed to go over to a certain cousins as > something had happened to her and I wouldnt be back > until around 11pm. Told her that I do love her but > that " I " am not going to put up with that kind of > behavior anymore. Then followed that up with telling > her tonite that she could not drive my car anymore > and when hers is repaired, there will be > stipulations as to when she could use it or if she > could. Also that she had to do some cleaning in the > house if she wanted ANY money for the weekend, she > must earn it! She made a comment that I'm starting > to " p " her off and I interrupted and said that I'm > NOT going to listen to her speak to me that way > anymore ither. Now tonite, she was kinder, more > respectful and settled. She really gave me the > impression that she feels like she is loved now. I > mention this because of what someone else said. I'm > going to continue everything, especially my prayers > for the strength to be STRONG and CONSISTENT, and to > get thru to her that NO ONE should > accept ABUSE and I WONT ITHER ANYMORE! I cannot > think beyond " one day at a time " as the saying goes > so I don't get too hopeful since all this kind of > behavior began in September and the violent episodes > around Easter,that progressed. I cannot fathom > dealing with this for even a year so I'll stick with > my one day at a time and continue all my groups and > taking care of myself in other ways as well. > > So, here's hoping and praying for all of us and > our bpd's. Have a good evening everyone! > > > > Hi Toni, > > That's interesting and it's interesting that it > worked. I'm wondering if she might also be > responding > to the strict way you're dealing with her. In other > words, she was feeling (in her own bpd way) that the > restrictions made her feel safe and loved so she was > responding positively to the chance to use the phone > and maybe make you happier with her. Does this make > any sense? I think it's more about the timing than > the carrot itself. When I've managed to be strict > about something, my daughter will often soften her > tone and be more willing to be cooperative. I'm not > real sure about the how or why of that which is why > I > can't be more helpful to you. Watch out for any > demands that something she has done has GOT to be > worth a reward, so fork it out, please. Make sure > it > is you who makes the offer and sets the conditions. > > But it sounds good so far! > > Deborah > > --- Toni P hephzeba2001@...> wrote: > > > We have grounded bpd from the phone, email, > outings > > with friends, etc. due to that really bad breach > of > > trust. We are also trying to get her to get a job. > > Not really motivated to get job, so we decided > that > > she could earn the phone for an evening if she got > > up and worked hard to find a job today. > > > > She was up, ready and had all applications ready > > to drop off AN HOUR EARLY! She had to wait for me > at > > a dr appt for a very long time (new chiropractor) > > and had a really good attitude the whole day. She > > turned in her applications and fill out a few > more. > > I am so pleased and so is she. > > > > So she gets to use the phone this evening! > > > > Sometimes all we need is the right carrot. I > wish > > this would work all the time! > > > > Do you think this was a good idea? > > > > Toni > > > > Deborah minamimuki2004@...> wrote: > > You're having a hard time, but personally I like > > your > > choices: eat what you like when everyone's done > but > > clean up, clothing is fine as along as pertinent > > skin > > is covered and you can breathe, ignore the > mascara, > > and letting her room go until she has ants. (Since > > she's had an unfortunate incident, I wouldn't do > the > > reward system too soon.) And you're gearing up > for > > DBT. Go for it! > > > > Cheering and hanging out banners, > > Deborah > > > > > She is trying to freak us out with her > clothing > > > choices. However, we decided when she was young > to > > > stay out of the clothing battle as long as all > > > pertinant skin was covered and she could breath. > > But > > > I have begun to hate black! And the eye makeup! > > The > > > Egyptians could take lessons from her in > > eyeliner!! > > > EEEKKK!! As a former skin care consultant, I am > > > creating more scars on my tongue trying to keep > my > > > mouth shut. So far, all I've said is " I don't > > think > > > you'll be able to get a job with that makeup. " > > > Sheesh! > > > > > > Gotta laugh or we'll all be on the wrong side > of > > > the grass. . . . > === message truncated === __________________________________________________ Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted May 27, 2006 Report Share Posted May 27, 2006 WOW! I'm just reading these posts today as my computer has been down for most of the week!!! Unbelievable turn around for YOU....... I am soooooooo proud of how you've responded and taken charge!! You're an inspiration to me. This post has also " made my day " . You're setting your daughter up for success now, while you take care of yourself first also. Way -- to -- go ! Joan (in Canada) ----Original Message Follows---- Reply-To: WTOParentsOfBPs To: WTOParentsOfBPs Subject: Re: Wow! Date: Fri, 26 May 2006 00:17:30 -0700 (PDT) Jeez Louise, !!!!! I just about fell out of my chair reading this. Are you really the same person who wrote last week? I have thinking about you and wondering because we hadn't heard from you. Boy, were you busy. I'll bet your daughter got the absolute shock of her life when the police came. Then when you started laying down the law--I'm just so thrilled to read that it made such a quick impression on her. Now, little by little, hopefully things will be easier and easier for both of you. One day at a time, that's the way to do it; you are now sitting in the pilot's seat. Please keep in touch. This is truly a week for good news! My day has officially been made. Hugs, Deborah --- patricia atcheson connect4love@...> wrote: > Congrats DebbieL and Elaine! It's so nice and really > hopeful to read that things can and do improve > eventually! I'm catching up on around 75 emails > now. > > Things have been more stressed but with all the > different types of support I've sought after, it has > given me strength and more hope!! Thank you > all!!!!!!! > > Personally, I have been all over the place this > last week. Had a supervisor to the ER clinicians at > Community Mental Health spend an hour or so with me, > listening and explaining the law to me and things to > do when my daughter goes into an awful rage. Also, > read all the notes of my bpdd's that her friends > wrote to her and discovered that she has " sniffed " > something. I freaked! The one positive thing about > it is this best female friend of hers was telling > her she didn't like to see her unhappy or angry and > then asked if she had sniffed anymore of that stuff. > Then asked why she was doing that, she really wanted > to know. Since it was her best friend, maybe it > touched her?? > I found myself leaving her a message that I > wouldn't be back until around 9-10pm and headed for > a Narcotics Anonymous meeting as I wanted to talk to > those that have used, when they started, what crisis > happened that brought them there, etc. Then I've > gone to an Alanon meeting as well as long meeting > called " Shadow Voices " which is all about mental > health illnesses, etc. All was very enlightening, > people encouraging and then my prayers have been > answered for giving me more strength and knowledge > on how to handle the situation I have here. All of > you.....reading all you have to say > has also given me the strength to keep going, > learning and to take action! Thank you!!! > > I was sooooo fearful of my daughter when she > started with such bad behavior, swearing, throwing > things, hitting the walls and counter with her > fists, slamming doors and mumbling how she was going > to " snap " that " I " , thanks to all the support, > have changed my behavior. I have not been as much > of a mom as I should have been and it made me a > " wuse " (pardon the expression) in the midst of the > chaos. I have never been one to raise my voice or > even spank her since she was 6 yrs > old when the worse thing happened to her. I > shocked her yesterday when she began this type of > behavior and called the police without her knowing > it. They were at the door yelling police and she > grabbed her head with both hands as I yelled for > them to come in. I had expected her to go into a > full fledged episode, destroying things, screaming > and threatening me but this time, wouldn't you know > it, the police got here too quick. It certainly > shocked her! Of course she told them that she was > just mad because I wouldn't talk to her, which was > just the opposite, she wouldn't answer me! Amazing! > One officer stepped outside with me and asked if she > was bipolar and I said they were giving her meds for > that but she hasn't seen anyone for a couple of > months now as she refused. Anyway, I left when they > did and so she didn't manipulate me by making me > think she was going to hurt herself. About an hour > later I called her on her cell phone which she didnt > answer, left a message that > I needed to go over to a certain cousins as > something had happened to her and I wouldnt be back > until around 11pm. Told her that I do love her but > that " I " am not going to put up with that kind of > behavior anymore. Then followed that up with telling > her tonite that she could not drive my car anymore > and when hers is repaired, there will be > stipulations as to when she could use it or if she > could. Also that she had to do some cleaning in the > house if she wanted ANY money for the weekend, she > must earn it! She made a comment that I'm starting > to " p " her off and I interrupted and said that I'm > NOT going to listen to her speak to me that way > anymore ither. Now tonite, she was kinder, more > respectful and settled. She really gave me the > impression that she feels like she is loved now. I > mention this because of what someone else said. I'm > going to continue everything, especially my prayers > for the strength to be STRONG and CONSISTENT, and to > get thru to her that NO ONE should > accept ABUSE and I WONT ITHER ANYMORE! I cannot > think beyond " one day at a time " as the saying goes > so I don't get too hopeful since all this kind of > behavior began in September and the violent episodes > around Easter,that progressed. I cannot fathom > dealing with this for even a year so I'll stick with > my one day at a time and continue all my groups and > taking care of myself in other ways as well. > > So, here's hoping and praying for all of us and > our bpd's. Have a good evening everyone! > > > > Hi Toni, > > That's interesting and it's interesting that it > worked. I'm wondering if she might also be > responding > to the strict way you're dealing with her. In other > words, she was feeling (in her own bpd way) that the > restrictions made her feel safe and loved so she was > responding positively to the chance to use the phone > and maybe make you happier with her. Does this make > any sense? I think it's more about the timing than > the carrot itself. When I've managed to be strict > about something, my daughter will often soften her > tone and be more willing to be cooperative. I'm not > real sure about the how or why of that which is why > I > can't be more helpful to you. Watch out for any > demands that something she has done has GOT to be > worth a reward, so fork it out, please. Make sure > it > is you who makes the offer and sets the conditions. > > But it sounds good so far! > > Deborah > > --- Toni P hephzeba2001@...> wrote: > > > We have grounded bpd from the phone, email, > outings > > with friends, etc. due to that really bad breach > of > > trust. We are also trying to get her to get a job. > > Not really motivated to get job, so we decided > that > > she could earn the phone for an evening if she got > > up and worked hard to find a job today. > > > > She was up, ready and had all applications ready > > to drop off AN HOUR EARLY! She had to wait for me > at > > a dr appt for a very long time (new chiropractor) > > and had a really good attitude the whole day. She > > turned in her applications and fill out a few > more. > > I am so pleased and so is she. > > > > So she gets to use the phone this evening! > > > > Sometimes all we need is the right carrot. I > wish > > this would work all the time! > > > > Do you think this was a good idea? > > > > Toni > > > > Deborah minamimuki2004@...> wrote: > > You're having a hard time, but personally I like > > your > > choices: eat what you like when everyone's done > but > > clean up, clothing is fine as along as pertinent > > skin > > is covered and you can breathe, ignore the > mascara, > > and letting her room go until she has ants. (Since > > she's had an unfortunate incident, I wouldn't do > the > > reward system too soon.) And you're gearing up > for > > DBT. Go for it! > > > > Cheering and hanging out banners, > > Deborah > > > > > She is trying to freak us out with her > clothing > > > choices. However, we decided when she was young > to > > > stay out of the clothing battle as long as all > > > pertinant skin was covered and she could breath. > > But > > > I have begun to hate black! And the eye makeup! > > The > > > Egyptians could take lessons from her in > > eyeliner!! > > > EEEKKK!! As a former skin care consultant, I am > > > creating more scars on my tongue trying to keep > my > > > mouth shut. So far, all I've said is " I don't > > think > > > you'll be able to get a job with that makeup. " > > > Sheesh! > > > > > > Gotta laugh or we'll all be on the wrong side > of > > > the grass. . . . > === message truncated === __________________________________________________ Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted May 27, 2006 Report Share Posted May 27, 2006 I AGREE ABSOLUTELY!!! TERRIFIC! YOU ARE NOW HELPING OTHERS WHEN YOU WERE RECENTLY SO IN NEED! In the comfort He give us, we can give comfort to others, no! Way to go, ! Toni blue jay bluejay_01@...> wrote: WOW! I'm just reading these posts today as my computer has been down for most of the week!!! Unbelievable turn around for YOU....... I am soooooooo proud of how you've responded and taken charge!! You're an inspiration to me. This post has also " made my day " . You're setting your daughter up for success now, while you take care of yourself first also. Way -- to -- go ! Joan (in Canada) ----Original Message Follows---- Reply-To: WTOParentsOfBPs To: WTOParentsOfBPs Subject: Re: Wow! Date: Fri, 26 May 2006 00:17:30 -0700 (PDT) Jeez Louise, !!!!! I just about fell out of my chair reading this. Are you really the same person who wrote last week? I have thinking about you and wondering because we hadn't heard from you. Boy, were you busy. I'll bet your daughter got the absolute shock of her life when the police came. Then when you started laying down the law--I'm just so thrilled to read that it made such a quick impression on her. Now, little by little, hopefully things will be easier and easier for both of you. One day at a time, that's the way to do it; you are now sitting in the pilot's seat. Please keep in touch. This is truly a week for good news! My day has officially been made. Hugs, Deborah --- patricia atcheson connect4love@...> wrote: > Congrats DebbieL and Elaine! It's so nice and really > hopeful to read that things can and do improve > eventually! I'm catching up on around 75 emails > now. > > Things have been more stressed but with all the > different types of support I've sought after, it has > given me strength and more hope!! Thank you > all!!!!!!! > > Personally, I have been all over the place this > last week. Had a supervisor to the ER clinicians at > Community Mental Health spend an hour or so with me, > listening and explaining the law to me and things to > do when my daughter goes into an awful rage. Also, > read all the notes of my bpdd's that her friends > wrote to her and discovered that she has " sniffed " > something. I freaked! The one positive thing about > it is this best female friend of hers was telling > her she didn't like to see her unhappy or angry and > then asked if she had sniffed anymore of that stuff. > Then asked why she was doing that, she really wanted > to know. Since it was her best friend, maybe it > touched her?? > I found myself leaving her a message that I > wouldn't be back until around 9-10pm and headed for > a Narcotics Anonymous meeting as I wanted to talk to > those that have used, when they started, what crisis > happened that brought them there, etc. Then I've > gone to an Alanon meeting as well as long meeting > called " Shadow Voices " which is all about mental > health illnesses, etc. All was very enlightening, > people encouraging and then my prayers have been > answered for giving me more strength and knowledge > on how to handle the situation I have here. All of > you.....reading all you have to say > has also given me the strength to keep going, > learning and to take action! Thank you!!! > > I was sooooo fearful of my daughter when she > started with such bad behavior, swearing, throwing > things, hitting the walls and counter with her > fists, slamming doors and mumbling how she was going > to " snap " that " I " , thanks to all the support, > have changed my behavior. I have not been as much > of a mom as I should have been and it made me a > " wuse " (pardon the expression) in the midst of the > chaos. I have never been one to raise my voice or > even spank her since she was 6 yrs > old when the worse thing happened to her. I > shocked her yesterday when she began this type of > behavior and called the police without her knowing > it. They were at the door yelling police and she > grabbed her head with both hands as I yelled for > them to come in. I had expected her to go into a > full fledged episode, destroying things, screaming > and threatening me but this time, wouldn't you know > it, the police got here too quick. It certainly > shocked her! Of course she told them that she was > just mad because I wouldn't talk to her, which was > just the opposite, she wouldn't answer me! Amazing! > One officer stepped outside with me and asked if she > was bipolar and I said they were giving her meds for > that but she hasn't seen anyone for a couple of > months now as she refused. Anyway, I left when they > did and so she didn't manipulate me by making me > think she was going to hurt herself. About an hour > later I called her on her cell phone which she didnt > answer, left a message that > I needed to go over to a certain cousins as > something had happened to her and I wouldnt be back > until around 11pm. Told her that I do love her but > that " I " am not going to put up with that kind of > behavior anymore. Then followed that up with telling > her tonite that she could not drive my car anymore > and when hers is repaired, there will be > stipulations as to when she could use it or if she > could. Also that she had to do some cleaning in the > house if she wanted ANY money for the weekend, she > must earn it! She made a comment that I'm starting > to " p " her off and I interrupted and said that I'm > NOT going to listen to her speak to me that way > anymore ither. Now tonite, she was kinder, more > respectful and settled. She really gave me the > impression that she feels like she is loved now. I > mention this because of what someone else said. I'm > going to continue everything, especially my prayers > for the strength to be STRONG and CONSISTENT, and to > get thru to her that NO ONE should > accept ABUSE and I WONT ITHER ANYMORE! I cannot > think beyond " one day at a time " as the saying goes > so I don't get too hopeful since all this kind of > behavior began in September and the violent episodes > around Easter,that progressed. I cannot fathom > dealing with this for even a year so I'll stick with > my one day at a time and continue all my groups and > taking care of myself in other ways as well. > > So, here's hoping and praying for all of us and > our bpd's. Have a good evening everyone! > > > > Hi Toni, > > That's interesting and it's interesting that it > worked. I'm wondering if she might also be > responding > to the strict way you're dealing with her. In other > words, she was feeling (in her own bpd way) that the > restrictions made her feel safe and loved so she was > responding positively to the chance to use the phone > and maybe make you happier with her. Does this make > any sense? I think it's more about the timing than > the carrot itself. When I've managed to be strict > about something, my daughter will often soften her > tone and be more willing to be cooperative. I'm not > real sure about the how or why of that which is why > I > can't be more helpful to you. Watch out for any > demands that something she has done has GOT to be > worth a reward, so fork it out, please. Make sure > it > is you who makes the offer and sets the conditions. > > But it sounds good so far! > > Deborah > > --- Toni P hephzeba2001@...> wrote: > > > We have grounded bpd from the phone, email, > outings > > with friends, etc. due to that really bad breach > of > > trust. We are also trying to get her to get a job. > > Not really motivated to get job, so we decided > that > > she could earn the phone for an evening if she got > > up and worked hard to find a job today. > > > > She was up, ready and had all applications ready > > to drop off AN HOUR EARLY! She had to wait for me > at > > a dr appt for a very long time (new chiropractor) > > and had a really good attitude the whole day. She > > turned in her applications and fill out a few > more. > > I am so pleased and so is she. > > > > So she gets to use the phone this evening! > > > > Sometimes all we need is the right carrot. I > wish > > this would work all the time! > > > > Do you think this was a good idea? > > > > Toni > > > > Deborah minamimuki2004@...> wrote: > > You're having a hard time, but personally I like > > your > > choices: eat what you like when everyone's done > but > > clean up, clothing is fine as along as pertinent > > skin > > is covered and you can breathe, ignore the > mascara, > > and letting her room go until she has ants. (Since > > she's had an unfortunate incident, I wouldn't do > the > > reward system too soon.) And you're gearing up > for > > DBT. Go for it! > > > > Cheering and hanging out banners, > > Deborah > > > > > She is trying to freak us out with her > clothing > > > choices. However, we decided when she was young > to > > > stay out of the clothing battle as long as all > > > pertinant skin was covered and she could breath. > > But > > > I have begun to hate black! And the eye makeup! > > The > > > Egyptians could take lessons from her in > > eyeliner!! > > > EEEKKK!! As a former skin care consultant, I am > > > creating more scars on my tongue trying to keep > my > > > mouth shut. So far, all I've said is " I don't > > think > > > you'll be able to get a job with that makeup. " > > > Sheesh! > > > > > > Gotta laugh or we'll all be on the wrong side > of > > > the grass. . . . > === message truncated === __________________________________________________ Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted May 28, 2006 Report Share Posted May 28, 2006 Thank you Joan! It is amazing even to me. Reading all of these posts and the experience I have under my belt from going to Alanon meetings on changing myself, not accepting abuse and living " my " life have all helped me to realize what " I " must do! It's just been the two of us and with all the pain she has gone thru in her life, I always wanted a close relationship and wanted her to know how much I loved her and became too much of a friend. With this illness, I have come to realize, mostly thru these posts, I need to be a very STRONG " MOTHER " and the only way I can stay this strong is thru PRAYER! I thank you all for helping me to be what I need to be as hard as the change is for me, it is NEEDED for both of us. Friday night, she wanted money. Tried to convince me that she'd do the chores I told her she must do on Saturday. Said she'd sign a contract or whatever for me to give her money and I replied, " that's not the way life works. People don't get paid for a job until they've done it. I'm sorry but that's the way life works, the way it is. You must EARN the money before you get it " . Now, she hung up on me however; she woke up Saturday morning and asked what she had to do to earn the money and I told her. She didn't even make a mean face or say a mean word! She even went beyond what I told her was required in order to make the money and made sure it was done before I left for an event I told her I was going to attend as she " knew " I would leave and give her nothing! When I gave her the money, I told her she did a good job, thanked her and then said, Now, this is ALL you will get so if it's gone today, there WONT be anymore before next week after she earns it, no matter what! So, that's the next thing we will probably have a discussion about upon which I will stick to my guns! I must continue with all the support and go to meetings to stay strong! I hate that this is the way it has to be, that she has this illness and is very emotionally immature but I have to accept it as parents with a child that has some other type of illness and do what I can and need to do to help her have as normal a life as possible as well as myself! Thank You and everyone else too! This site is a Godsend. blue jay bluejay_01@...> wrote: WOW! I'm just reading these posts today as my computer has been down for most of the week!!! Unbelievable turn around for YOU....... I am soooooooo proud of how you've responded and taken charge!! You're an inspiration to me. This post has also " made my day " . You're setting your daughter up for success now, while you take care of yourself first also. Way -- to -- go ! Joan (in Canada) ----Original Message Follows---- Reply-To: WTOParentsOfBPs To: WTOParentsOfBPs Subject: Re: Wow! Date: Fri, 26 May 2006 00:17:30 -0700 (PDT) Jeez Louise, !!!!! I just about fell out of my chair reading this. Are you really the same person who wrote last week? I have thinking about you and wondering because we hadn't heard from you. Boy, were you busy. I'll bet your daughter got the absolute shock of her life when the police came. Then when you started laying down the law--I'm just so thrilled to read that it made such a quick impression on her. Now, little by little, hopefully things will be easier and easier for both of you. One day at a time, that's the way to do it; you are now sitting in the pilot's seat. Please keep in touch. This is truly a week for good news! My day has officially been made. Hugs, Deborah --- patricia atcheson connect4love@...> wrote: > Congrats DebbieL and Elaine! It's so nice and really > hopeful to read that things can and do improve > eventually! I'm catching up on around 75 emails > now. > > Things have been more stressed but with all the > different types of support I've sought after, it has > given me strength and more hope!! Thank you > all!!!!!!! > > Personally, I have been all over the place this > last week. Had a supervisor to the ER clinicians at > Community Mental Health spend an hour or so with me, > listening and explaining the law to me and things to > do when my daughter goes into an awful rage. Also, > read all the notes of my bpdd's that her friends > wrote to her and discovered that she has " sniffed " > something. I freaked! The one positive thing about > it is this best female friend of hers was telling > her she didn't like to see her unhappy or angry and > then asked if she had sniffed anymore of that stuff. > Then asked why she was doing that, she really wanted > to know. Since it was her best friend, maybe it > touched her?? > I found myself leaving her a message that I > wouldn't be back until around 9-10pm and headed for > a Narcotics Anonymous meeting as I wanted to talk to > those that have used, when they started, what crisis > happened that brought them there, etc. Then I've > gone to an Alanon meeting as well as long meeting > called " Shadow Voices " which is all about mental > health illnesses, etc. All was very enlightening, > people encouraging and then my prayers have been > answered for giving me more strength and knowledge > on how to handle the situation I have here. All of > you.....reading all you have to say > has also given me the strength to keep going, > learning and to take action! Thank you!!! > > I was sooooo fearful of my daughter when she > started with such bad behavior, swearing, throwing > things, hitting the walls and counter with her > fists, slamming doors and mumbling how she was going > to " snap " that " I " , thanks to all the support, > have changed my behavior. I have not been as much > of a mom as I should have been and it made me a > " wuse " (pardon the expression) in the midst of the > chaos. I have never been one to raise my voice or > even spank her since she was 6 yrs > old when the worse thing happened to her. I > shocked her yesterday when she began this type of > behavior and called the police without her knowing > it. They were at the door yelling police and she > grabbed her head with both hands as I yelled for > them to come in. I had expected her to go into a > full fledged episode, destroying things, screaming > and threatening me but this time, wouldn't you know > it, the police got here too quick. It certainly > shocked her! Of course she told them that she was > just mad because I wouldn't talk to her, which was > just the opposite, she wouldn't answer me! Amazing! > One officer stepped outside with me and asked if she > was bipolar and I said they were giving her meds for > that but she hasn't seen anyone for a couple of > months now as she refused. Anyway, I left when they > did and so she didn't manipulate me by making me > think she was going to hurt herself. About an hour > later I called her on her cell phone which she didnt > answer, left a message that > I needed to go over to a certain cousins as > something had happened to her and I wouldnt be back > until around 11pm. Told her that I do love her but > that " I " am not going to put up with that kind of > behavior anymore. Then followed that up with telling > her tonite that she could not drive my car anymore > and when hers is repaired, there will be > stipulations as to when she could use it or if she > could. Also that she had to do some cleaning in the > house if she wanted ANY money for the weekend, she > must earn it! She made a comment that I'm starting > to " p " her off and I interrupted and said that I'm > NOT going to listen to her speak to me that way > anymore ither. Now tonite, she was kinder, more > respectful and settled. She really gave me the > impression that she feels like she is loved now. I > mention this because of what someone else said. I'm > going to continue everything, especially my prayers > for the strength to be STRONG and CONSISTENT, and to > get thru to her that NO ONE should > accept ABUSE and I WONT ITHER ANYMORE! I cannot > think beyond " one day at a time " as the saying goes > so I don't get too hopeful since all this kind of > behavior began in September and the violent episodes > around Easter,that progressed. I cannot fathom > dealing with this for even a year so I'll stick with > my one day at a time and continue all my groups and > taking care of myself in other ways as well. > > So, here's hoping and praying for all of us and > our bpd's. Have a good evening everyone! > > > > Hi Toni, > > That's interesting and it's interesting that it > worked. I'm wondering if she might also be > responding > to the strict way you're dealing with her. In other > words, she was feeling (in her own bpd way) that the > restrictions made her feel safe and loved so she was > responding positively to the chance to use the phone > and maybe make you happier with her. Does this make > any sense? I think it's more about the timing than > the carrot itself. When I've managed to be strict > about something, my daughter will often soften her > tone and be more willing to be cooperative. I'm not > real sure about the how or why of that which is why > I > can't be more helpful to you. Watch out for any > demands that something she has done has GOT to be > worth a reward, so fork it out, please. Make sure > it > is you who makes the offer and sets the conditions. > > But it sounds good so far! > > Deborah > > --- Toni P hephzeba2001@...> wrote: > > > We have grounded bpd from the phone, email, > outings > > with friends, etc. due to that really bad breach > of > > trust. We are also trying to get her to get a job. > > Not really motivated to get job, so we decided > that > > she could earn the phone for an evening if she got > > up and worked hard to find a job today. > > > > She was up, ready and had all applications ready > > to drop off AN HOUR EARLY! She had to wait for me > at > > a dr appt for a very long time (new chiropractor) > > and had a really good attitude the whole day. She > > turned in her applications and fill out a few > more. > > I am so pleased and so is she. > > > > So she gets to use the phone this evening! > > > > Sometimes all we need is the right carrot. I > wish > > this would work all the time! > > > > Do you think this was a good idea? > > > > Toni > > > > Deborah minamimuki2004@...> wrote: > > You're having a hard time, but personally I like > > your > > choices: eat what you like when everyone's done > but > > clean up, clothing is fine as along as pertinent > > skin > > is covered and you can breathe, ignore the > mascara, > > and letting her room go until she has ants. (Since > > she's had an unfortunate incident, I wouldn't do > the > > reward system too soon.) And you're gearing up > for > > DBT. Go for it! > > > > Cheering and hanging out banners, > > Deborah > > > > > She is trying to freak us out with her > clothing > > > choices. However, we decided when she was young > to > > > stay out of the clothing battle as long as all > > > pertinant skin was covered and she could breath. > > But > > > I have begun to hate black! And the eye makeup! > > The > > > Egyptians could take lessons from her in > > eyeliner!! > > > EEEKKK!! As a former skin care consultant, I am > > > creating more scars on my tongue trying to keep > my > > > mouth shut. So far, all I've said is " I don't > > think > > > you'll be able to get a job with that makeup. " > > > Sheesh! > > > > > > Gotta laugh or we'll all be on the wrong side > of > > > the grass. . . . > === message truncated === __________________________________________________ Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted May 28, 2006 Report Share Posted May 28, 2006 Good job, ! Carol --------- Re: Wow! > Date: Fri, 26 May 2006 00:17:30 -0700 (PDT) > > Jeez Louise, !!!!! > > I just about fell out of my chair reading this. Are > you really the same person who wrote last week? I > have thinking about you and wondering because we > hadn't heard from you. Boy, were you busy. > > I'll bet your daughter got the absolute shock of her > life when the police came. Then when you started > laying down the law--I'm just so thrilled to read that > it made such a quick impression on her. Now, little by > little, hopefully things will be easier and easier for > both of you. One day at a time, that's the way to do > it; you are now sitting in the pilot's seat. > Please keep in touch. This is truly a week for good > news! > My day has officially been made. > > Hugs, > Deborah > > > --- patricia atcheson wrote: > > > Congrats DebbieL and Elaine! It's so nice and really > > hopeful to read that things can and do improve > > eventually! I'm catching up on around 75 emails > > now. > > > > Things have been more stressed but with all the > > different types of support I've sought after, it has > > given me strength and more hope!! Thank you > > all!!!!!!! > > > > Personally, I have been all over the place this > > last week. Had a supervisor to the ER clinicians at > > Community Mental Health spend an hour or so with me, > > listening and explaining the law to me and things to > > do when my daughter goes into an awful rage. Also, > > read all the notes of my bpdd's that her friends > > wrote to her and discovered that she has " sniffed " > > something. I freaked! The one positive thing about > > it is this best female friend of hers was telling > > her she didn't like to see her unhappy or angry and > > then asked if she had sniffed anymore of that stuff. > > Then asked why she was doing that, she really wanted > > to know. Since it was her best friend, maybe it > > touched her?? > > I found myself leaving her a message that I > > wouldn't be back until around 9-10pm and headed for > > a Narcotics Anonymous meeting as I wanted to talk to > > those that have used, when they started, what crisis > > happened that brought them there, etc. Then I've > > gone to an Alanon meeting as well as long meeting > > called " Shadow Voices " which is all about mental > > health illnesses, etc. All was very enlightening, > > people encouraging and then my prayers have been > > answered for giving me more strength and knowledge > > on how to handle the situation I have here. All of > > you.....reading all you have to say > > has also given me the strength to keep going, > > learning and to take action! Thank you!!! > > > > I was sooooo fearful of my daughter when she > > started with such bad behavior, swearing, throwing > > things, hitting the walls and counter with her > > fists, slamming doors and mumbling how she was going > > to " snap " that " I " , thanks to all the support, > > have changed my behavior. I have not been as much > > of a mom as I should have been and it made me a > > " wuse " (pardon the expression) in the midst of the > > chaos. I have never been one to raise my voice or > > even spank her since she was 6 yrs > > old when the worse thing happened to her. I > > shocked her yesterday when she began this type of > > behavior and called the police without her knowing > > it. They were at the door yelling police and she > > grabbed her head with both hands as I yelled for > > them to come in. I had expected her to go into a > > full fledged episode, destroying things, screaming > > and threatening me but this time, wouldn't you know > > it, the police got here too quick. It certainly > > shocked her! Of course she told them that she was > > just mad because I wouldn't talk to her, which was > > just the opposite, she wouldn't answer me! Amazing! > > One officer stepped outside with me and asked if she > > was bipolar and I said they were giving her meds for > > that but she hasn't seen anyone for a couple of > > months now as she refused. Anyway, I left when they > > did and so she didn't manipulate me by making me > > think she was going to hurt herself. About an hour > > later I called her on her cell phone which she didnt > > answer, left a message that > > I needed to go over to a certain cousins as > > something had happened to her and I wouldnt be back > > until around 11pm. Told her that I do love her but > > that " I " am not going to put up with that kind of > > behavior anymore. Then followed that up with telling > > her tonite that she could not drive my car anymore > > and when hers is repaired, there will be > > stipulations as to when she could use it or if she > > could. Also that she had to do some cleaning in the > > house if she wanted ANY money for the weekend, she > > must earn it! She made a comment that I'm starting > > to " p " her off and I interrupted and said that I'm > > NOT going to listen to her speak to me that way > > anymore ither. Now tonite, she was kinder, more > > respectful and settled. She really gave me the > > impression that she feels like she is loved now. I > > mention this because of what someone else said. I'm > > going to continue everything, especially my prayers > > for the strength to be STRONG and CONSISTENT, and to > > get thru to her that NO ONE should > > accept ABUSE and I WONT ITHER ANYMORE! I cannot > > think beyond " one day at a time " as the saying goes > > so I don't get too hopeful since all this kind of > > behavior began in September and the violent episodes > > around Easter,that progressed. I cannot fathom > > dealing with this for even a year so I'll stick with > > my one day at a time and continue all my groups and > > taking care of myself in other ways as well. > > > > So, here's hoping and praying for all of us and > > our bpd's. Have a good evening everyone! > > > > > > > > Hi Toni, > > > > That's interesting and it's interesting that it > > worked. I'm wondering if she might also be > > responding > > to the strict way you're dealing with her. In other > > words, she was feeling (in her own bpd way) that the > > restrictions made her feel safe and loved so she was > > responding positively to the chance to use the phone > > and maybe make you happier with her. Does this make > > any sense? I think it's more about the timing than > > the carrot itself. When I've managed to be strict > > about something, my daughter will often soften her > > tone and be more willing to be cooperative. I'm not > > real sure about the how or why of that which is why > > I > > can't be more helpful to you. Watch out for any > > demands that something she has done has GOT to be > > worth a reward, so fork it out, please. Make sure > > it > > is you who makes the offer and sets the conditions. > > > > But it sounds good so far! > > > > Deborah > > > > --- Toni P wrote: > > > > > We have grounded bpd from the phone, email, > > outings > > > with friends, etc. due to that really bad breach > > of > > > trust. We are also trying to get her to get a job. > > > Not really motivated to get job, so we decided > > that > > > she could earn the phone for an evening if she got > > > up and worked hard to find a job today. > > > > > > She was up, ready and had all applications ready > > > to drop off AN HOUR EARLY! She had to wait for me > > at > > > a dr appt for a very long time (new chiropractor) > > > and had a really good attitude the whole day. She > > > turned in her applications and fill out a few > > more. > > > I am so pleased and so is she. > > > > > > So she gets to use the phone this evening! > > > > > > Sometimes all we need is the right carrot. I > > wish > > > this would work all the time! > > > > > > Do you think this was a good idea? > > > > > > Toni > > > > > > Deborah wrote: > > > You're having a hard time, but personally I like > > > your > > > choices: eat what you like when everyone's done > > but > > > clean up, clothing is fine as along as pertinent > > > skin > > > is covered and you can breathe, ignore the > > mascara, > > > and letting her room go until she has ants. (Since > > > she's had an unfortunate incident, I wouldn't do > > the > > > reward system too soon.) And you're gearing up > > for > > > DBT. Go for it! > > > > > > Cheering and hanging out banners, > > > Deborah > > > > > > > She is trying to freak us out with her > > clothing > > > > choices. However, we decided when she was young > > to > > > > stay out of the clothing battle as long as all > > > > pertinant skin was covered and she could breath. > > > But > > > > I have begun to hate black! And the eye makeup! > > > The > > > > Egyptians could take lessons from her in > > > eyeliner!! > > > > EEEKKK!! As a former skin care consultant, I am > > > > creating more scars on my tongue trying to keep > > my > > > > mouth shut. So far, all I've said is " I don't > > > think > > > > you'll be able to get a job with that makeup. " > > > > Sheesh! > > > > > > > > Gotta laugh or we'll all be on the wrong side > > of > > > > the grass. . . . > > > === message truncated === > > __________________________________________________ > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted May 29, 2006 Report Share Posted May 29, 2006 Bravo, ! You are amazing. Keep the good work. I know it isn't always easy and it takes strength. Your daughter is still young and it looks like you will have her trained in no time. Milena patricia atcheson connect4love@...> wrote: Thank you Joan! It is amazing even to me. Reading all of these posts and the experience I have under my belt from going to Alanon meetings on changing myself, not accepting abuse and living " my " life have all helped me to realize what " I " must do! > > > --------------------------------- --------------------------------- Be a chatter box. Enjoy free PC-to-PC calls with Yahoo! Messenger with Voice. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted May 30, 2006 Report Share Posted May 30, 2006 Thanks Milena but it's only just begun.....so I will keep the " One day at a Time " in my head and heart. Hope you enjoyed your trip. Milena milenaoh@...> wrote: Bravo, ! You are amazing. Keep the good work. I know it isn't always easy and it takes strength. Your daughter is still young and it looks like you will have her trained in no time. Milena patricia atcheson connect4love@...> wrote: Thank you Joan! It is amazing even to me. Reading all of these posts and the experience I have under my belt from going to Alanon meetings on changing myself, not accepting abuse and living " my " life have all helped me to realize what " I " must do! > > > --------------------------------- --------------------------------- Be a chatter box. Enjoy free PC-to-PC calls with Yahoo! Messenger with Voice. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted June 1, 2006 Report Share Posted June 1, 2006 In a message dated 5/28/2006 9:50:32 AM Eastern Standard Time, connect4love@... writes: You must EARN the money before you get it " . Now, she hung up on me however; she woke up Saturday morning and asked what she had to do to earn the money and I told her. She didn't even make a mean face or say a mean word! She even went beyond what I told her was required in order to make the money and made sure it was done before I left for an event I told her I was going to attend as she " knew " I would leave and give her nothing! When I gave her the money, I told her she did a good job, thanked her and then said, Now, this is ALL you will get so if it's gone today, there WONT be anymore before next week Oh , YOU GO GIRL!!!!!!!!!!! This is soooooooooo good. Baby steps, but they are working. See, I told you before you will be surprised at her reaction to your change. She didn't rage! Structure, structure, structure. Keep telling yourself that and implementing it with her. It will work. Kudos to you and keep up the good work, you just may have started the ball rolling in getting her thinking patterns on the track to recovery! DebbieL Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Recommended Posts
Join the conversation
You are posting as a guest. If you have an account, sign in now to post with your account.
Note: Your post will require moderator approval before it will be visible.