RE: Newbee

[Guest guest]

Dear ,

Yes, yes, yes... I was in the same situation as you. I got married at age 26

with the fibroid symptoms you described. We did not want to start our

family too soon into our marriage either. We thought, if my uterus could

make it, to wait at least three or four years. Both our parents did this as

newlywed couples, so we thought it would be best for our marriage.

I had a scheduled ab myo three months after our wedding. This was supposed

to eliminate my bleeding issues. It did not. I was then diagnosed with

adenomyosis which is inoperable. So my doctor suggested a hysterectomy. I

was very stubborn and put it off. I chose to take continuous bc pills (high

progesterone) instead. I took these for the next four years giving myself

one period a year. The period I would have was so bad it always put me in

the hospital receiving a transfusion. And the pills never stopped my daily

bleeding altogether. I had chronic yeast infections from the daily spotting

along with anemia and all the other side effects from the pill. But I put up

with it because I felt keeping my uterus was important.

I even went to see an endometriosis specialist who told me my problem was

fibroids, but I didn't believe him because I had just had other fibs removed

during my ab myo. Didn't think my gyn would miss the problematic ones. I

went to a third doctor who performed uterine artery embolizations, but he

did not suggest that for me since I wanted a future pregnancy. I trusted my

gyn and liked him very much. I didn't even consider that he might have

misdiagnosed me.

Last summer before my 30th birthday I had a gall bladder attack. I

discovered this was caused from gall stones. Gall stones were formihng

because I had elevated blood cholesterol, a side effect from taking such

high doses of the pill. I was taking Low overal-28 twice a day. I knew my

cholesterol was high, was keeping a close watch on it and eating an

appropriate diet, but my doctors never told me it could have such a side

effect.

After the gall bladder attack, I had had enough. I stopped the pills and

suffered through two periods. The second period came while my hubby and I

were on vacation. I felt ill the whole time. He made me go and get my

hemoglobin tested as soon as we got home. We both knew I would need more

blood. Sure enough, I did. I let my Hmg drop to 5.0 (stroke range.) At

that point, we were ready to make a decision. I could not suffer any longer

and could not keep getting transfusions.

My gyn told me to either really consider the hysterectomy or go see a RE at

the local fertility clinic. We chose the RE. And to our biggest surprise,

this new doctor said I had been misdiagnosed. I did not have adeno, I had

submucosal fibroids that were causing all the bleeding. And boy did I have

them, over twenty of the little buggers.

He suggested we try a hysteroscopic resection surgery. He warned us it

might take more than one surgery to remove them all. But after they were

removed, my bleeding issues should subside and we should be able to try for

a baby. This was shocking news, but oh so exciting.

So I am now symptom-free. I had three resections last fall and am now off

the pill forever! My husband and I are trying to get pregnant for the first

time. It may take a while for the pill to get completely out of my system,

so we are patient. But my doctor does not want us to wait any longer. At

the rate I grow fibs, I grow them big and I grow them fast. So if we keep

waiting to start our family I may have new ones crop up and become

problematic.

So my dear, I have been in your shoes. I was stubborn all those years

living with terrible bleeding and pain, but I did not relent to a

hysterectomy. Somewhere inside I knew I would find the right doctor. My

advice to you is... go to a fertility center. You don't have to be

currently trying for a conception to see a reproductive endocrinologist.

They help all women who want to preserve their fertility. They have the

best technology and experience for treating symptomatic fibroids.

Ask your RE if your fibs are submucosal and if they can be removed via

resection surgery. Don't worry, this is a breeze of a surgery. I have had

both the ab myo and the resections. The resection is nothing like a major

surgery. You are in and out in a day with minimal pain and discomfort.

Your doctor is right, don't wait too long to start your family. But if you

don't want to try the first year of your marriage, at least go see a

fertility specialist so you can get acquainted with him/her and they can

keep a close watch on your uterus. You might not want to take " the pill "

forever. But it may be your best choice in treatment while you are waiting

for other treatments.

It is wonderful that you have joined this support forum. The key to living

with fibroids is to keep educating yourself about them. The more you know,

the better questions you can ask, and the better patient you will become. I

wish I would have found this group many years ago. I may have questioned my

diagnosis a second time. No, I do not blame my gyn for misdiagnosing me. He

did what he knew to do. He was not trained to see the real issue, but he

did listen to my concerns and tried to help me as best he could.

Now I am a better patient because of all my problems. I can help other

women do the same for themselves too. And the best news I could hope for was

waiting in the wings because I was so stubborn all those years!

Good luck to you and your fiance. Hope you can find the right doctor who

will treat you and listen to your concerns.

Take care and take your iron!

Blessings,

:)Sonja

[Guest guest]

Sonja,

Thank you for your posting. I have fibroids and am beginning to educate

myself about what is safe to do to take care of myself and avoid the

hazards of mega doses of hormones. The resection surgery sounds like a

viable option and I am going to discuss this with my gyno when I see

her.

I am 48, do not want any more children, but also do not want to give up

my female organs.

I am at the beginning of my educational experience regarding this

concern, and am quite hopeful that a good, healthy solution will occur

quite soon.

This seems like a wonderful place to begin, with reading some of the

actual concerns and effective treatments that alleviate the symptoms of

the condition that we all seem to have in common.

Thank you.

[Guest guest]

mY DAUGHTER IS 21. YOU'RE AT THE RIGHT PLACE. TONYA

In a message dated 5/12/2006 5:56:50 P.M. Central Standard Time,

dankmitta@... writes:

Newbee,

You are in the right place. I do not have the

experience with older BPD children, my

stepdaughter turns 18 in a month, but there are

those on this site who do. So welcome and know that you are not alone.

Dan

At 01:39 PM 5/12/2006, you wrote:

>I'm new to this group and have never posted messages such as this

>but... Is anyone dealing with an older child with BPD. My daughter

>is 24 and we have only just learned of her diagnosis. Did I join the

>right group?

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>Problems? Ask our friendly List Manager for

>help, @.... SEND HER ANY POSTS

>THAT CONCERN YOU; DO NOT RESPOND ONLINE.

>

>Essential reading to help you feel better and

>understand the BP in your life are:

>

>• SWOE ( " Stop Walking on Eggshellsâ€) and the SWOE Workbook (for

everyone)

>• HOPE FOR PARENTS

>

>Call 888-35-SHELL () to order your copies.

>

> From Randi Kreger, Owner of BPDCentral and the WTO Online Community

>

>

>

>

>SPONSORED LINKS

>http://groups.yahoo.com/gads?t=ms&k=Article+health+wellness&w1=Article+healt

h+wellness&w2=Center+for+health+and+wellness&w3=Health+and+wellness&w4=Health+

and+wellness+program&w5=Health+wellness+product&w6=Health+and+wellness+job&c=6

&s=181&.sig=HFCK21385eiVKA-icsCXdg>Article

>health wellness

>http://groups.yahoo.com/gads?t=ms&k=Center+for+health+and+wellness&w1=Articl

e+health+wellness&w2=Center+for+health+and+wellness&w3=Health+and+wellness&w4=

Health+and+wellness+program&w5=Health+wellness+product&w6=Health+and+wellness+

job&c=6&s=181&.sig=d199fxd8Nd9hDHGAPRGZ3w>Center

>for health and wellness

>http://groups.yahoo.com/gads?t=ms&k=Health+and+wellness&w1=Article+health+we

llness&w2=Center+for+health+and+wellness&w3=Health+and+wellness&w4=Health+and+

wellness+program&w5=Health+wellness+product&w6=Health+and+wellness+job&c=6&s=1

81&.sig=8Xg1Y8WnIQ8M8RmwiCBfYg>Health

>and wellness

>http://groups.yahoo.com/gads?t=ms&k=Health+and+wellness+program&w1=Article+h

ealth+wellness&w2=Center+for+health+and+wellness&w3=Health+and+wellness&w4=Hea

lth+and+wellness+program&w5=Health+wellness+product&w6=Health+and+wellness

+job&c=6&s=181&.sig=o6A_SwJ7NPKV-vbc2guF8g>Health

>and wellness program

>http://groups.yahoo.com/gads?t=ms&k=Health+wellness+product&w1=Article+healt

h+wellness&w2=Center+for+health+and+wellness&w3=Health+and+wellness&w4=Health+

and+wellness+program&w5=Health+wellness+product&w6=Health+and+wellness+job&c=6

&s=181&.sig=T568iKLktVX2LzTlHB8xxA>Health

>wellness product

>http://groups.yahoo.com/gads?t=ms&k=Health+and+wellness+job&w1=Article+healt

h+wellness&w2=Center+for+health+and+wellness&w3=Health+and+wellness&w4=Health+

and+wellness+program&w5=Health+wellness+product&w6=Health+and+wellness+job&c=6

&s=181&.sig=-WO9UjsJlgtYfOHYjcGl9w>Health

>and wellness job

>

>

>----------

>YAHOO! GROUPS LINKS

>

> * Visit your group

> " http://groups.yahoo.com/group/WTOParentsOfBPs>WTOParentsOfBPs " on the

web.

> *

> *

[Guest guest]

Newbee,

You are in the right place. I do not have the

experience with older BPD children, my

stepdaughter turns 18 in a month, but there are

those on this site who do. So welcome and know that you are not alone.

Dan

At 01:39 PM 5/12/2006, you wrote:

>I'm new to this group and have never posted messages such as this

>but... Is anyone dealing with an older child with BPD. My daughter

>is 24 and we have only just learned of her diagnosis. Did I join the

>right group?

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>Problems? Ask our friendly List Manager for

>help, @.... SEND HER ANY POSTS

>THAT CONCERN YOU; DO NOT RESPOND ONLINE.

>

>Essential reading to help you feel better and

>understand the BP in your life are:

>

>• SWOE ( " Stop Walking on Eggshells”) and the SWOE Workbook (for everyone)

>• HOPE FOR PARENTS

>

>Call 888-35-SHELL () to order your copies.

>

> From Randi Kreger, Owner of BPDCentral and the WTO Online Community

>

>

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

Yes, this is the right group. My daughter is 22 and was diagnosed with this

when she was 17, a few weeks shy of 18, so I've been on this road for a

while and so have others.

Let us know how we can help, Newbee!

Helen

_____

From: WTOParentsOfBPs

[mailto:WTOParentsOfBPs ] On Behalf Of Pat

Sent: Friday, May 12, 2006 4:40 PM

To: WTOParentsOfBPs

Subject: Newbee

I'm new to this group and have never posted messages such as this

but... Is anyone dealing with an older child with BPD. My daughter

is 24 and we have only just learned of her diagnosis. Did I join the

right group?

Problems? Ask our friendly List Manager for help, @....

SEND HER ANY POSTS THAT CONCERN YOU; DO NOT RESPOND ONLINE.

Essential reading to help you feel better and understand the BP in your life

are:

.. SWOE ( " Stop Walking on Eggshells " ) and the SWOE Workbook (for

everyone)

.. HOPE FOR PARENTS

Call 888-35-SHELL () to order your copies.

From Randi Kreger, Owner of BPDCentral and the WTO Online Community

[Guest guest]

Hi Helen,

Is your daughter living on her own? Mine does not exhibit agressive physical

behavior but has covered it up with depression and drug abuse. She seems to be

stable for a short while and then has a flareup where she regresses back to drug

abuse. Have you heard of any BPs who are able to live a normal life away from

home eventually?

Pat

Helen Eby dheby@...> wrote:

Yes, this is the right group. My daughter is 22 and was diagnosed with this

when she was 17, a few weeks shy of 18, so I've been on this road for a

while and so have others.

Let us know how we can help, Newbee!

Helen

_____

From: WTOParentsOfBPs

[mailto:WTOParentsOfBPs ] On Behalf Of Pat

Sent: Friday, May 12, 2006 4:40 PM

To: WTOParentsOfBPs

Subject: Newbee

I'm new to this group and have never posted messages such as this

but... Is anyone dealing with an older child with BPD. My daughter

is 24 and we have only just learned of her diagnosis. Did I join the

right group?

Problems? Ask our friendly List Manager for help, @....

SEND HER ANY POSTS THAT CONCERN YOU; DO NOT RESPOND ONLINE.

Essential reading to help you feel better and understand the BP in your life

are:

.. SWOE ( " Stop Walking on Eggshells " ) and the SWOE Workbook (for

everyone)

.. HOPE FOR PARENTS

Call 888-35-SHELL () to order your copies.

From Randi Kreger, Owner of BPDCentral and the WTO Online Community

[Guest guest]

thanks for the kind words

pottstonya@... wrote:

mY DAUGHTER IS 21. YOU'RE AT THE RIGHT PLACE. TONYA

In a message dated 5/12/2006 5:56:50 P.M. Central Standard Time,

dankmitta@... writes:

Newbee,

You are in the right place. I do not have the

experience with older BPD children, my

stepdaughter turns 18 in a month, but there are

those on this site who do. So welcome and know that you are not alone.

Dan

At 01:39 PM 5/12/2006, you wrote:

>I'm new to this group and have never posted messages such as this

>but... Is anyone dealing with an older child with BPD. My daughter

>is 24 and we have only just learned of her diagnosis. Did I join the

>right group?

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>Problems? Ask our friendly List Manager for

>help, @.... SEND HER ANY POSTS

>THAT CONCERN YOU; DO NOT RESPOND ONLINE.

>

>Essential reading to help you feel better and

>understand the BP in your life are:

>

>• SWOE ( " Stop Walking on Eggshellsâ€) and the SWOE Workbook (for

everyone)

>• HOPE FOR PARENTS

>

>Call 888-35-SHELL () to order your copies.

>

> From Randi Kreger, Owner of BPDCentral and the WTO Online Community

>

>

>

>

>SPONSORED LINKS

>http://groups.yahoo.com/gads?t=ms&k=Article+health+wellness&w1=Article+healt

h+wellness&w2=Center+for+health+and+wellness&w3=Health+and+wellness&w4=Health+

and+wellness+program&w5=Health+wellness+product&w6=Health+and+wellness+job&c=6

&s=181&.sig=HFCK21385eiVKA-icsCXdg>Article

>health wellness

>http://groups.yahoo.com/gads?t=ms&k=Center+for+health+and+wellness&w1=Articl

e+health+wellness&w2=Center+for+health+and+wellness&w3=Health+and+wellness&w4=

Health+and+wellness+program&w5=Health+wellness+product&w6=Health+and+wellness+

job&c=6&s=181&.sig=d199fxd8Nd9hDHGAPRGZ3w>Center

>for health and wellness

>http://groups.yahoo.com/gads?t=ms&k=Health+and+wellness&w1=Article+health+we

llness&w2=Center+for+health+and+wellness&w3=Health+and+wellness&w4=Health+and+

wellness+program&w5=Health+wellness+product&w6=Health+and+wellness+job&c=6&s=1

81&.sig=8Xg1Y8WnIQ8M8RmwiCBfYg>Health

>and wellness

>http://groups.yahoo.com/gads?t=ms&k=Health+and+wellness+program&w1=Article+h

ealth+wellness&w2=Center+for+health+and+wellness&w3=Health+and+wellness&w4=Hea

lth+and+wellness+program&w5=Health+wellness+product&w6=Health+and+wellness

+job&c=6&s=181&.sig=o6A_SwJ7NPKV-vbc2guF8g>Health

>and wellness program

>http://groups.yahoo.com/gads?t=ms&k=Health+wellness+product&w1=Article+healt

h+wellness&w2=Center+for+health+and+wellness&w3=Health+and+wellness&w4=Health+

and+wellness+program&w5=Health+wellness+product&w6=Health+and+wellness+job&c=6

&s=181&.sig=T568iKLktVX2LzTlHB8xxA>Health

>wellness product

>http://groups.yahoo.com/gads?t=ms&k=Health+and+wellness+job&w1=Article+healt

h+wellness&w2=Center+for+health+and+wellness&w3=Health+and+wellness&w4=Health+

and+wellness+program&w5=Health+wellness+product&w6=Health+and+wellness+job&c=6

&s=181&.sig=-WO9UjsJlgtYfOHYjcGl9w>Health

>and wellness job

>

>

>----------

>YAHOO! GROUPS LINKS

>

> * Visit your group

> " http://groups.yahoo.com/group/WTOParentsOfBPs>WTOParentsOfBPs " on the

web.

> *

> *

[Guest guest]

Pat,

My daughter lives with her husband. She was dating a total jerk when we sent

her off to an RTC. We told her the way home was through fulfillment of

treatment - graduating, not saying " it doesn't work " . Well, at 18 she

checked herself out and had , her bf, pick her up. His mom accepted

the responsibility of having her stay there. Then they got married - we

found out sort of by accident a few weeks after the fact - and they live on

their own now.

My daughter exhibited a lot of physical aggressive behavior at home. She

broke the door to her room, and it just wasn't worth it to try to fix the

house up with her around. She seems to go through " I can do this " stages but

then after a while reverts to her BP behaviors. Mind you, all I get this

from is from being asked to pick up the pieces when the crisis come around.

(my husband) and I decided she had to earn her welcome back into the

house by showing she was ready for an open adult relationship, not by

getting pregnant. Anyway, you can read more of my story in the archives, but

the nuts and bolts of our current relationship are that I contact her once

every 6 weeks or so to make sure she knows we still care about her. It is

generally something as impersonal as an email that says " hey, we are here,

the younger kids are doing great, and we are having a great time. How's your

family? We'd love to have you and your family over. "

The reason we started to show more respect for is that since she

married him we decided we didn't want to undermine the marriage. It is flaky

enough on its own, and I didn't want her coming and saying " I dropped the

jerk. Now I'm your responsibility because I did what you told me to do " . She

actually did this before Thanksgiving of this year. I told her " Sorry, it is

your life to get on with " .

Anyway, regarding BPs who are able to live a normal life away from home, I

know a couple of women who have been diagnosed with it and live apparently

stable lives. One of them checks herself into the psych ward when she feels

that she is becoming a danger to her family, and then goes home. At least

she is working on it! The other one works with a pdoc, and takes medication,

and I would say she has times of being dependable and times of not being

around at our church. This year she was pretty involved for a while, and

then without warning she just disappeared from our fellowship. She starts to

disappear by having weekly excuses, and then just keeps out of sight without

an excuse. Anyway, I feel that I shouldn't chase after her except like I do

with Liz - an occasional comment that we love to have her around and would

like to see more of her.

Does this help? The two adult friends I have who have been diagnosed with BP

are pleasant women, and seem to hold their lives together to some degree,

but their husbands really are great guys, and I think they are the ones who

hold the family together. In my daughter's case, I don't think her husband

is that kind of guy, but he is working at it.

Does this answer your question in some way, Pat?

Helen

_____

From: WTOParentsOfBPs

[mailto:WTOParentsOfBPs ] On Behalf Of HUMAN RESOURCES HARBOR

CHILD

Sent: Saturday, May 13, 2006 11:19 AM

To: WTOParentsOfBPs

Subject: RE: Newbee

Hi Helen,

Is your daughter living on her own? Mine does not exhibit agressive

physical behavior but has covered it up with depression and drug abuse. She

seems to be stable for a short while and then has a flareup where she

regresses back to drug abuse. Have you heard of any BPs who are able to

live a normal life away from home eventually?

Pat

Helen Eby dheby@...> wrote:

Yes, this is the right group. My daughter is 22 and was diagnosed with

this

when she was 17, a few weeks shy of 18, so I've been on this road for a

while and so have others.

Let us know how we can help, Newbee!

Helen

_____

From: WTOParentsOfBPs

[mailto:WTOParentsOfBPs ] On Behalf Of Pat

Sent: Friday, May 12, 2006 4:40 PM

To: WTOParentsOfBPs

Subject: Newbee

I'm new to this group and have never posted messages such as this

but... Is anyone dealing with an older child with BPD. My daughter

is 24 and we have only just learned of her diagnosis. Did I join the

right group?

[Guest guest]

I too am new to this group and have never posted. My son is 26 and we

have only just learned in the last two months that he has BP. I have

never felt heartbreak like this before!

>

> I'm new to this group and have never posted messages such as this

> but... Is anyone dealing with an older child with BPD. My daughter

> is 24 and we have only just learned of her diagnosis. Did I join the

> right group?

>

[Guest guest]

Hi Helen,

Yes, you did answer my question. Its great to get feedback from people in

similar situations. I've had my suspicions for a long time now that my daughter

will always have troubled relationships and I'm learning to accept that I cannot

change my daughter's behaviors, but it I guess it will take more time. I'm

asking my husband to read the Stop Walking on Eggshells book too because he is

definitely in denial.

It seems that all our problems arise from our daughter's actions. We run away

every weekend to get some peace at our vacation home, but worry while we are

gone. Just today one of our conversations was that I told him my daugther had

another parking ticket but this one was for speeding. He replied that we have

to pay for the ticket because she will lie and tell use she took care of it and

it will jeopardize our renewing our car insurance because she is on our policy.

I half feel that we should not pay the ticket and tell her to handle it but he

said she woud not be able to get car insurance because of accidents and tickets

and that if she could, we could not afford to pay the 3K it would cost. If she

has no insurance, that means that we would have to drive her to meth treatment

every other day because there is no bus available and we both work. Every

action we take seems to enable her behaviors but we can't withdraw because the

consequences will cause us hardship

and we are getting tired of it all. We've been dealing with her depression and

drug abuse since age 17. I have the feeling that it may take a long time, but at

some point I too will have to say " its your life so get on with it " . On the

brighter side, I'm hoping that our daughter will learn how to manage her

illness, she is getting ready to enroll in a dual diagnosis program at the

methadone center and her therapist is increasing her visits and the psychiatrist

seems to be paying more attention since i keep calling him.

I think you are right to stay in touch with your daughter to remind her that you

are there for her, but I suspect all of us parents will be picking up the pieces

whenever we have to and forever how long we can.

You sound like you have a good handle on all of this-- thanks for listening.

Happy Mother's Day too.

Pat

Helen Eby dheby@...> wrote: Pat,

My daughter lives with her husband. She was dating a total jerk when we sent

her off to an RTC. We told her the way home was through fulfillment of

treatment - graduating, not saying " it doesn't work " . Well, at 18 she

checked herself out and had , her bf, pick her up. His mom accepted

the responsibility of having her stay there. Then they got married - we

found out sort of by accident a few weeks after the fact - and they live on

their own now.

My daughter exhibited a lot of physical aggressive behavior at home. She

broke the door to her room, and it just wasn't worth it to try to fix the

house up with her around. She seems to go through " I can do this " stages but

then after a while reverts to her BP behaviors. Mind you, all I get this

from is from being asked to pick up the pieces when the crisis come around.

(my husband) and I decided she had to earn her welcome back into the

house by showing she was ready for an open adult relationship, not by

getting pregnant. Anyway, you can read more of my story in the archives, but

the nuts and bolts of our current relationship are that I contact her once

every 6 weeks or so to make sure she knows we still care about her. It is

generally something as impersonal as an email that says " hey, we are here,

the younger kids are doing great, and we are having a great time. How's your

family? We'd love to have you and your family over. "

The reason we started to show more respect for is that since she

married him we decided we didn't want to undermine the marriage. It is flaky

enough on its own, and I didn't want her coming and saying " I dropped the

jerk. Now I'm your responsibility because I did what you told me to do " . She

actually did this before Thanksgiving of this year. I told her " Sorry, it is

your life to get on with " .

Anyway, regarding BPs who are able to live a normal life away from home, I

know a couple of women who have been diagnosed with it and live apparently

stable lives. One of them checks herself into the psych ward when she feels

that she is becoming a danger to her family, and then goes home. At least

she is working on it! The other one works with a pdoc, and takes medication,

and I would say she has times of being dependable and times of not being

around at our church. This year she was pretty involved for a while, and

then without warning she just disappeared from our fellowship. She starts to

disappear by having weekly excuses, and then just keeps out of sight without

an excuse. Anyway, I feel that I shouldn't chase after her except like I do

with Liz - an occasional comment that we love to have her around and would

like to see more of her.

Does this help? The two adult friends I have who have been diagnosed with BP

are pleasant women, and seem to hold their lives together to some degree,

but their husbands really are great guys, and I think they are the ones who

hold the family together. In my daughter's case, I don't think her husband

is that kind of guy, but he is working at it.

Does this answer your question in some way, Pat?

Helen

_____

From: WTOParentsOfBPs

[mailto:WTOParentsOfBPs ] On Behalf Of HUMAN RESOURCES HARBOR

CHILD

Sent: Saturday, May 13, 2006 11:19 AM

To: WTOParentsOfBPs

Subject: RE: Newbee

Hi Helen,

Is your daughter living on her own? Mine does not exhibit agressive

physical behavior but has covered it up with depression and drug abuse. She

seems to be stable for a short while and then has a flareup where she

regresses back to drug abuse. Have you heard of any BPs who are able to

live a normal life away from home eventually?

Pat

Helen Eby dheby@...> wrote:

Yes, this is the right group. My daughter is 22 and was diagnosed with

this

when she was 17, a few weeks shy of 18, so I've been on this road for a

while and so have others.

Let us know how we can help, Newbee!

Helen

_____

From: WTOParentsOfBPs

[mailto:WTOParentsOfBPs ] On Behalf Of Pat

Sent: Friday, May 12, 2006 4:40 PM

To: WTOParentsOfBPs

Subject: Newbee

I'm new to this group and have never posted messages such as this

but... Is anyone dealing with an older child with BPD. My daughter

is 24 and we have only just learned of her diagnosis. Did I join the

right group?

[Guest guest]

In a message dated 5/13/2006 10:04:31 PM Eastern Standard Time,

pwinzenried@... writes:

I too am new to this group and have never posted. My son is 26 and we

have only just learned in the last two months that he has BP. I have

never felt heartbreak like this before!

Hi there and welcome! I hear your pain and have been there. Actually, still

am as my 20 yr. old son is battling alcoholism. Very sad. My daughter, 19,

recovered from BPD. I have just posted a bunch of replies that you can read

today. They may help you. Hugs coming your way, hang in there, there is hope!

DebbieL

[Guest guest]

Pat,

I was wondering. Would paying for a taxi ride be cheaper than the insurance?

Then you could pay for the taxi ride to the specific place, she wouldn't be

making the insurance payments worse all the time, and she'd have a

consequence. Sure, she'd hit the roof at having her entitlement to drive

taken away, but I wonder... Someone in that kind of treatment shouldn't be

behind the wheel anyway, IMHO.

Yes, I stay in touch at some level. However, it has really helped to share

all of my interaction with her with . Now he sees the problems she has.

He didn't use to, because I didn't show him some of that, to protect him

from seeing his daughter for what she was.

Regarding picking up the pieces for her, I'm very reluctant to do that. I

lurked on the siblings list, by recommendation of the list manager, because

I have kids. What I have seen is that when we pick up the pieces and then

become unable to do so (i.e. death, illness, etc.), the BP starts to lean on

the siblings, who have no desire to pick up the pieces themselves. If we

don't make them self sufficient, they will keep leeching off the family as

long as possible. I can't bring myself to pass that on to and

, so I don't do it. Does that make sense?

Helen

_____

From: WTOParentsOfBPs

[mailto:WTOParentsOfBPs ] On Behalf Of HUMAN RESOURCES HARBOR

CHILD

Sent: Sunday, May 14, 2006 8:18 PM

To: WTOParentsOfBPs

Subject: RE: Newbee

Hi Helen,

Yes, you did answer my question. Its great to get feedback from people in

similar situations. I've had my suspicions for a long time now that my

daughter will always have troubled relationships and I'm learning to accept

that I cannot change my daughter's behaviors, but it I guess it will take

more time. I'm asking my husband to read the Stop Walking on Eggshells book

too because he is definitely in denial.

It seems that all our problems arise from our daughter's actions. We run

away every weekend to get some peace at our vacation home, but worry while

we are gone. Just today one of our conversations was that I told him my

daugther had another parking ticket but this one was for speeding. He

replied that we have to pay for the ticket because she will lie and tell use

she took care of it and it will jeopardize our renewing our car insurance

because she is on our policy. I half feel that we should not pay the ticket

and tell her to handle it but he said she woud not be able to get car

insurance because of accidents and tickets and that if she could, we could

not afford to pay the 3K it would cost. If she has no insurance, that means

that we would have to drive her to meth treatment every other day because

there is no bus available and we both work. Every action we take seems to

enable her behaviors but we can't withdraw because the consequences will

cause us hardship

and we are getting tired of it all. We've been dealing with her depression

and drug abuse since age 17. I have the feeling that it may take a long

time, but at some point I too will have to say " its your life so get on with

it " . On the brighter side, I'm hoping that our daughter will learn how to

manage her illness, she is getting ready to enroll in a dual diagnosis

program at the methadone center and her therapist is increasing her visits

and the psychiatrist seems to be paying more attention since i keep calling

him.

I think you are right to stay in touch with your daughter to remind her that

you are there for her, but I suspect all of us parents will be picking up

the pieces whenever we have to and forever how long we can.

You sound like you have a good handle on all of this-- thanks for listening.

Happy Mother's Day too.

Pat

Helen Eby dheby@...> wrote: Pat,

My daughter lives with her husband. She was dating a total jerk when we sent

her off to an RTC. We told her the way home was through fulfillment of

treatment - graduating, not saying " it doesn't work " . Well, at 18 she

checked herself out and had , her bf, pick her up. His mom accepted

the responsibility of having her stay there. Then they got married - we

found out sort of by accident a few weeks after the fact - and they live on

their own now.

My daughter exhibited a lot of physical aggressive behavior at home. She

broke the door to her room, and it just wasn't worth it to try to fix the

house up with her around. She seems to go through " I can do this " stages but

then after a while reverts to her BP behaviors. Mind you, all I get this

from is from being asked to pick up the pieces when the crisis come around.

(my husband) and I decided she had to earn her welcome back into the

house by showing she was ready for an open adult relationship, not by

getting pregnant. Anyway, you can read more of my story in the archives, but

the nuts and bolts of our current relationship are that I contact her once

every 6 weeks or so to make sure she knows we still care about her. It is

generally something as impersonal as an email that says " hey, we are here,

the younger kids are doing great, and we are having a great time. How's your

family? We'd love to have you and your family over. "

The reason we started to show more respect for is that since she

married him we decided we didn't want to undermine the marriage. It is flaky

enough on its own, and I didn't want her coming and saying " I dropped the

jerk. Now I'm your responsibility because I did what you told me to do " . She

actually did this before Thanksgiving of this year. I told her " Sorry, it is

your life to get on with " .

Anyway, regarding BPs who are able to live a normal life away from home, I

know a couple of women who have been diagnosed with it and live apparently

stable lives. One of them checks herself into the psych ward when she feels

that she is becoming a danger to her family, and then goes home. At least

she is working on it! The other one works with a pdoc, and takes medication,

and I would say she has times of being dependable and times of not being

around at our church. This year she was pretty involved for a while, and

then without warning she just disappeared from our fellowship. She starts to

disappear by having weekly excuses, and then just keeps out of sight without

an excuse. Anyway, I feel that I shouldn't chase after her except like I do

with Liz - an occasional comment that we love to have her around and would

like to see more of her.

Does this help? The two adult friends I have who have been diagnosed with BP

are pleasant women, and seem to hold their lives together to some degree,

but their husbands really are great guys, and I think they are the ones who

hold the family together. In my daughter's case, I don't think her husband

is that kind of guy, but he is working at it.

Does this answer your question in some way, Pat?

Helen

_____

From: WTOParentsOfBPs

[mailto:WTOParentsOfBPs ] On Behalf Of HUMAN RESOURCES HARBOR

CHILD

Sent: Saturday, May 13, 2006 11:19 AM

To: WTOParentsOfBPs

Subject: RE: Newbee

Hi Helen,

Is your daughter living on her own? Mine does not exhibit agressive

physical behavior but has covered it up with depression and drug abuse. She

seems to be stable for a short while and then has a flareup where she

regresses back to drug abuse. Have you heard of any BPs who are able to

live a normal life away from home eventually?

Pat

Helen Eby dheby@...> wrote:

Yes, this is the right group. My daughter is 22 and was diagnosed with

this

when she was 17, a few weeks shy of 18, so I've been on this road for a

while and so have others.

Let us know how we can help, Newbee!

Helen

_____

From: WTOParentsOfBPs

[mailto:WTOParentsOfBPs ] On Behalf Of Pat

Sent: Friday, May 12, 2006 4:40 PM

To: WTOParentsOfBPs

Subject: Newbee

I'm new to this group and have never posted messages such as this

but... Is anyone dealing with an older child with BPD. My daughter

is 24 and we have only just learned of her diagnosis. Did I join the

right group?

[Guest guest]

Yes, it does make sense. I have to psych myself up to be strong enough to stop

picking up the pieces. We are going to see her therapist wednesday (she's not

happy about this) to discuss more intense therapy and the consequences she will

get if she doesn't agree and follow thru on it. One will be take we will take

away the car -- you are absolutely right about using the taxi's and the safety

issue in driving. Right now she goes to program every other day, therapy once

every other week, and doctor once a month, and work 2 days a week. I think she

could use buses and taxi's for that and she will definitely freak when we take

away the car. I have to be ready for her to slide deeper into depression and

stop going to her " program " which may cause her to pick up again and god knows

what else.

If she agrees to step up her therapy, she will be at program every other

morning as well as joining group therapy in the evenings every day of the week,

therapist one day a week, work 2 days and doctor once a month ( i don't think

taxi's will work for this much traveling). By holding the car over her as

motivation, I think she will get the therapy she needs. As I write this, i

think these choices stink....

Helen Eby dheby@...> wrote:

Pat,

I was wondering. Would paying for a taxi ride be cheaper than the insurance?

Then you could pay for the taxi ride to the specific place, she wouldn't be

making the insurance payments worse all the time, and she'd have a

consequence. Sure, she'd hit the roof at having her entitlement to drive

taken away, but I wonder... Someone in that kind of treatment shouldn't be

behind the wheel anyway, IMHO.

Yes, I stay in touch at some level. However, it has really helped to share

all of my interaction with her with . Now he sees the problems she has.

He didn't use to, because I didn't show him some of that, to protect him

from seeing his daughter for what she was.

Regarding picking up the pieces for her, I'm very reluctant to do that. I

lurked on the siblings list, by recommendation of the list manager, because

I have kids. What I have seen is that when we pick up the pieces and then

become unable to do so (i.e. death, illness, etc.), the BP starts to lean on

the siblings, who have no desire to pick up the pieces themselves. If we

don't make them self sufficient, they will keep leeching off the family as

long as possible. I can't bring myself to pass that on to and

, so I don't do it. Does that make sense?

Helen

_____

From: WTOParentsOfBPs

[mailto:WTOParentsOfBPs ] On Behalf Of HUMAN RESOURCES HARBOR

CHILD

Sent: Sunday, May 14, 2006 8:18 PM

To: WTOParentsOfBPs

Subject: RE: Newbee

Hi Helen,

Yes, you did answer my question. Its great to get feedback from people in

similar situations. I've had my suspicions for a long time now that my

daughter will always have troubled relationships and I'm learning to accept

that I cannot change my daughter's behaviors, but it I guess it will take

more time. I'm asking my husband to read the Stop Walking on Eggshells book

too because he is definitely in denial.

It seems that all our problems arise from our daughter's actions. We run

away every weekend to get some peace at our vacation home, but worry while

we are gone. Just today one of our conversations was that I told him my

daugther had another parking ticket but this one was for speeding. He

replied that we have to pay for the ticket because she will lie and tell use

she took care of it and it will jeopardize our renewing our car insurance

because she is on our policy. I half feel that we should not pay the ticket

and tell her to handle it but he said she woud not be able to get car

insurance because of accidents and tickets and that if she could, we could

not afford to pay the 3K it would cost. If she has no insurance, that means

that we would have to drive her to meth treatment every other day because

there is no bus available and we both work. Every action we take seems to

enable her behaviors but we can't withdraw because the consequences will

cause us hardship

and we are getting tired of it all. We've been dealing with her depression

and drug abuse since age 17. I have the feeling that it may take a long

time, but at some point I too will have to say " its your life so get on with

it " . On the brighter side, I'm hoping that our daughter will learn how to

manage her illness, she is getting ready to enroll in a dual diagnosis

program at the methadone center and her therapist is increasing her visits

and the psychiatrist seems to be paying more attention since i keep calling

him.

I think you are right to stay in touch with your daughter to remind her that

you are there for her, but I suspect all of us parents will be picking up

the pieces whenever we have to and forever how long we can.

You sound like you have a good handle on all of this-- thanks for listening.

Happy Mother's Day too.

Pat

Helen Eby dheby@...> wrote: Pat,

My daughter lives with her husband. She was dating a total jerk when we sent

her off to an RTC. We told her the way home was through fulfillment of

treatment - graduating, not saying " it doesn't work " . Well, at 18 she

checked herself out and had , her bf, pick her up. His mom accepted

the responsibility of having her stay there. Then they got married - we

found out sort of by accident a few weeks after the fact - and they live on

their own now.

My daughter exhibited a lot of physical aggressive behavior at home. She

broke the door to her room, and it just wasn't worth it to try to fix the

house up with her around. She seems to go through " I can do this " stages but

then after a while reverts to her BP behaviors. Mind you, all I get this

from is from being asked to pick up the pieces when the crisis come around.

(my husband) and I decided she had to earn her welcome back into the

house by showing she was ready for an open adult relationship, not by

getting pregnant. Anyway, you can read more of my story in the archives, but

the nuts and bolts of our current relationship are that I contact her once

every 6 weeks or so to make sure she knows we still care about her. It is

generally something as impersonal as an email that says " hey, we are here,

the younger kids are doing great, and we are having a great time. How's your

family? We'd love to have you and your family over. "

The reason we started to show more respect for is that since she

married him we decided we didn't want to undermine the marriage. It is flaky

enough on its own, and I didn't want her coming and saying " I dropped the

jerk. Now I'm your responsibility because I did what you told me to do " . She

actually did this before Thanksgiving of this year. I told her " Sorry, it is

your life to get on with " .

Anyway, regarding BPs who are able to live a normal life away from home, I

know a couple of women who have been diagnosed with it and live apparently

stable lives. One of them checks herself into the psych ward when she feels

that she is becoming a danger to her family, and then goes home. At least

she is working on it! The other one works with a pdoc, and takes medication,

and I would say she has times of being dependable and times of not being

around at our church. This year she was pretty involved for a while, and

then without warning she just disappeared from our fellowship. She starts to

disappear by having weekly excuses, and then just keeps out of sight without

an excuse. Anyway, I feel that I shouldn't chase after her except like I do

with Liz - an occasional comment that we love to have her around and would

like to see more of her.

Does this help? The two adult friends I have who have been diagnosed with BP

are pleasant women, and seem to hold their lives together to some degree,

but their husbands really are great guys, and I think they are the ones who

hold the family together. In my daughter's case, I don't think her husband

is that kind of guy, but he is working at it.

Does this answer your question in some way, Pat?

Helen

_____

From: WTOParentsOfBPs

[mailto:WTOParentsOfBPs ] On Behalf Of HUMAN RESOURCES HARBOR

CHILD

Sent: Saturday, May 13, 2006 11:19 AM

To: WTOParentsOfBPs

Subject: RE: Newbee

Hi Helen,

Is your daughter living on her own? Mine does not exhibit agressive

physical behavior but has covered it up with depression and drug abuse. She

seems to be stable for a short while and then has a flareup where she

regresses back to drug abuse. Have you heard of any BPs who are able to

live a normal life away from home eventually?

Pat

Helen Eby dheby@...> wrote:

Yes, this is the right group. My daughter is 22 and was diagnosed with

this

when she was 17, a few weeks shy of 18, so I've been on this road for a

while and so have others.

Let us know how we can help, Newbee!

Helen

_____

From: WTOParentsOfBPs

[mailto:WTOParentsOfBPs ] On Behalf Of Pat

Sent: Friday, May 12, 2006 4:40 PM

To: WTOParentsOfBPs

Subject: Newbee

I'm new to this group and have never posted messages such as this

but... Is anyone dealing with an older child with BPD. My daughter

is 24 and we have only just learned of her diagnosis. Did I join the

right group?