Guest guest Posted February 8, 2006 Report Share Posted February 8, 2006 In a message dated 2/8/2006 6:30:43 AM Eastern Standard Time, ihopeinnothingless@... writes: I call him to get him up in the morning. he just cant seem to think...no work, no money, no home. any suggestions...what can i do. this seems to be the area of biggest struggle for him. The strange thing is that he says he likes his job, but cant find his " clipboard " so he can't go. Hy hubby gets madder and madder at me for even careing about him every day. HELP Sandi, Stop calling him every morning. Get mad, Sandi. He's a big boy. If you loses his job it's his fault, not yours. You will grieve, cry, worry, fret. You are only stressing yourself and not helping him. You are putting a strain on your marriage and you and hubby come first, no matter what! Trust me, I almost lost mine and it took too long to find him. If hubby wants to think there is nothing wrong, then let him. He really should be educated, but you can only lead a horse to water............ You cannot fix your son. He will get a grip, but in his own time. Has he ever been to an ER or evaluated by crisis intervention? Or he just lays around, does he get angry? Maybe he is suffering from depression first. My daughter had to be kicked out of my home twice and once from somewhere else in order to her to seek help. You are not responsible for your son. I know you want to make it all better, but you can't He has to do it. Maybe the girl he is living with can get him to get himself help. Stop talking about your son around hubby. Your son is going to do what he is going to do. You can call him every morning, he will come up with some excuse why he isn't going to work. YOU can't make him go. You are only stressing yourself and the life around you. Work on your life, you raised your son, he has to do the rest. DebbieL Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted February 8, 2006 Report Share Posted February 8, 2006 Thanks so much. I just don't know what to do. He is 25 and can not keep a job. He finally got one and now hasn't gone for 3 days. He got kicked out of hes previous apt for not paying and that will happen here too. I call him to get him up in the morning. he just cant seem to think...no work, no money, no home. any suggestions...what can i do. this seems to be the area of biggest struggle for him. The strange thing is that he says he likes his job, but cant find his " clipboard " so he can't go. Hy hubby gets madder and madder at me for even careing about him every day. HELP > > Hi Sandi, > > Welcome. I also have an almost 25 year old son with bpd/bipolar. He too > has shown signs & symptoms from an early age. He's got one of the softest > hearts in the world, along with a negative, critical spirit. Raising him > was exactly like " walking on eggshells " . > > It's not hopeless, although it sure can feel that way at times, can't it? > For our family, a big help was an out-patient clinic at his local hospital > that had a depression/anxiety group. (He also suffers from that). Although > he initially didn't want to go, he did, and was helped I believe a great > deal by it. > It equipped him with information about bpd's, and also offered some therapy > .. both group and individual. Although he hasn't shared a great deal with > me, whenever he does mention something it's a positive comment. It's a > good sign that your son read the material. Educate yourself as much as you > can about this disorder ... then you'll be ready to discuss it with him > should he bring up the subject. Any mental health group would be able to > offer him avenues of treatment if he was willing. > > Two great books are Stop Walking on Eggshells, and Codependent No More. > Speaking for myself only here, I was a great " fixer " . Because I could see > my son struggle during his life, I tended to > want to make everything better. In reality all I did was drive myself > crazy, and rob him of the rewards of knowing he could handle life himself. > Now that I've stepped back it feels a WHOLE lot better for me, and I know > it's better for him. > > Please continue to read here, and post whenever you need to vent, or just > need support. We're all in the same boat and paddling the currents > together. > > Joan > > ----Original Message Follows---- > From: " Sandi " > Reply-To: WTOParentsOfBPs > To: WTOParentsOfBPs > Subject: New here.. help > Date: Mon, 06 Feb 2006 19:52:05 -0000 > > Just want to say hello and introduce myself and my situation. I > have a 25 year old son whom we just realized has BPD. As I look > back he has had it for quite a while. At lease from adolesence or > even younger. He is a sweet spirited and tender-hearted person and > then the monster. I love him with all my heart and desperately want > to know how to help, act, react and accept/love him > unconditionally. > > To me it all seems hopeless.. he seems to be drifting through life. > His wife of 3 years just divorced him. They have a 2 1/2 yr old > daughter. She loved him just could no longer tolerate the > strangeness, outbursts and meanness of this disorder. > > Now he has moved in with another girl with a young child and the > patterns of behavior have just moved with him. > > He of course is in denial. I have gotten a book from the library > and printed off several articles from various web sites and given > them to him. He said he wouldn't read them but his girlfriend said > he stayed up late reading so, I guess that is a good sign. > > Can any of you recommend the BEST book for understanding and helping > your adult child. > > Right now I feel very sad I feel, since we now know what the problem > is, that I have lost my son. Like he dies. I feel like i can no > longer hope for his future...for his happiness.. for him to have a > peaceful life..... > > Sandi > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted February 8, 2006 Report Share Posted February 8, 2006 I can't side w hubby. I believe he too is bpd. he has been abusive to me and the children. I am very mad!! Why do people always say hubby first...He is a cold hearted hateful person i am tired of siding with the abuser against the abused! Lost and feeling hopeless Sandi > > In a message dated 2/8/2006 6:30:43 AM Eastern Standard Time, > ihopeinnothingless@... writes: > I call him to get him up in the morning. he just > cant seem to think...no work, no money, no home. any > suggestions...what can i do. this seems to be the area of biggest > struggle for him. The strange thing is that he says he likes his > job, but cant find his " clipboard " so he can't go. Hy hubby gets > madder and madder at me for even careing about him every day. HELP > Sandi, > Stop calling him every morning. Get mad, Sandi. He's a big boy. If you > loses his job it's his fault, not yours. You will grieve, cry, worry, fret. > You are only stressing yourself and not helping him. You are putting a strain > on your marriage and you and hubby come first, no matter what! Trust me, I > almost lost mine and it took too long to find him. If hubby wants to think > there is nothing wrong, then let him. He really should be educated, but you can > only lead a horse to water............ > You cannot fix your son. He will get a grip, but in his own time. Has he > ever been to an ER or evaluated by crisis intervention? Or he just lays around, > does he get angry? Maybe he is suffering from depression first. My daughter > had to be kicked out of my home twice and once from somewhere else in order > to her to seek help. You are not responsible for your son. I know you want to > make it all better, but you can't He has to do it. Maybe the girl he is > living with can get him to get himself help. Stop talking about your son around > hubby. > Your son is going to do what he is going to do. You can call him every > morning, he will come up with some excuse why he isn't going to work. YOU can't > make him go. You are only stressing yourself and the life around you. Work on > your life, you raised your son, he has to do the rest. > > DebbieL > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted February 8, 2006 Report Share Posted February 8, 2006 Then don't " side " with him. Why do you have to " pick " at all? Here are the facts: You have a grown son, who has an ex-spouse (or soon to be; I'm not sure) with whom he shares a child. He is living with a girlfriend. Unfortunately, he also has a very serious mental illness. Your his mother, you love him with everything that you are, would do anything to help him, to make this illness go away, to make it better, just like we all would, IF WE COULD. But the catch here is that you cannot fix your son. You can support him when he recognizes something is wrong and decides to get help. But you cannot save him if he does not want to be saved. Instead, you need to begin to do things to take care of yourself -- whatever that might be. If you haven't read SWOE or Co-Dependent No More, that's a good place to start. As DebbieL says -- change your REACTIONS to his ACTIONS. It's tough love in a way but really it's just saying to your adult child -- be an adult. Why seek help if someone else is always going to pick up the pieces? Just things to think about and process, if they apply to your situation. Kelley C. Sandi ihopeinnothingless@...> wrote: I can't side w hubby. I believe he too is bpd. he has been abusive to me and the children. I am very mad!! Why do people always say hubby first...He is a cold hearted hateful person i am tired of siding with the abuser against the abused! Lost and feeling hopeless Sandi > > In a message dated 2/8/2006 6:30:43 AM Eastern Standard Time, > ihopeinnothingless@... writes: > I call him to get him up in the morning. he just > cant seem to think...no work, no money, no home. any > suggestions...what can i do. this seems to be the area of biggest > struggle for him. The strange thing is that he says he likes his > job, but cant find his " clipboard " so he can't go. Hy hubby gets > madder and madder at me for even careing about him every day. HELP > Sandi, > Stop calling him every morning. Get mad, Sandi. He's a big boy. If you > loses his job it's his fault, not yours. You will grieve, cry, worry, fret. > You are only stressing yourself and not helping him. You are putting a strain > on your marriage and you and hubby come first, no matter what! Trust me, I > almost lost mine and it took too long to find him. If hubby wants to think > there is nothing wrong, then let him. He really should be educated, but you can > only lead a horse to water............ > You cannot fix your son. He will get a grip, but in his own time. Has he > ever been to an ER or evaluated by crisis intervention? Or he just lays around, > does he get angry? Maybe he is suffering from depression first. My daughter > had to be kicked out of my home twice and once from somewhere else in order > to her to seek help. You are not responsible for your son. I know you want to > make it all better, but you can't He has to do it. Maybe the girl he is > living with can get him to get himself help. Stop talking about your son around > hubby. > Your son is going to do what he is going to do. You can call him every > morning, he will come up with some excuse why he isn't going to work. YOU can't > make him go. You are only stressing yourself and the life around you. Work on > your life, you raised your son, he has to do the rest. > > DebbieL > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted February 8, 2006 Report Share Posted February 8, 2006 When and by whom was your son sexually and physically abused? These are obviously situations that have probably caused this illness. He definitely needs counseling to resolve all his anger toward that party as well as expressing everything he must feel. He must be overwhelmed with all sorts of emotions. Jean Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted February 8, 2006 Report Share Posted February 8, 2006 I think you have a right to be mad at your husband. Obviously he has issues if he makes it personal and refuses to fix your car. Total manipulation. Mine would do that kind of thing too. " Punish me " . You need to do what is best for you. You will get alot of advice but ultimately you need to decide to do what your gut tells you. That is what you have to listen to. I do agree with Debbie L. though, it is time to look at the difference between supporting your son and enabling him. It's not easy, we all want to see our children succeed and be responsible for themselves. I had difficulty addressing the fact that I was enabling. I really thought I was doing everything I could to to support my daughter. I realized that I was just making life easy for her so she didn't have to face anything. I was confused over the labels she was given and feeling alot of guilt that I passed all these genes to her. After almost two years of her hiding out at home, refusing to go to school, refusing to help, refusing to behave decently, I laid down the law. I got brave one time (thanks to this group) when she raged at me and I called the police. It helped but wasn't the cure-all. Again with the thanks of all the input here-especially from Debbie L.- I created a contract that stated in black and white what she needed to do to stay in my house. It worked!!!!! I stopped pushing her to do anything, she knew what she needed to do. I also forced my self to believe that I could actually throw her out of the house. That was the secret- to know that is what I had to do and could do (I came up with too many reasons over the danger for her safety to actually believe I could do it) in order for her to " get it " . She had/has to learn there is a consequence. I stopped pushing her realizing the more I pushed her the more confrontational she was. I listen but with little feedback to offer, just validation of her feelings etc. She is now going to community college full time and has been very responsible with her assignments. She is slowly working on losing weight and facing other things she has avoided. This change has all happened in only the past 5 months. What I'm trying to say is that it is good for you to be concerned, but the best thing to do is let him fall. It's the only way he'll get the big picture. We'll be here to support your fears and anything else you feel during the process. Sandi ihopeinnothingless@...> wrote: I can't side w hubby. I believe he too is bpd. he has been abusive to me and the children. I am very mad!! Why do people always say hubby first...He is a cold hearted hateful person i am tired of siding with the abuser against the abused! Lost and feeling hopeless Sandi > > In a message dated 2/8/2006 6:30:43 AM Eastern Standard Time, > ihopeinnothingless@... writes: > I call him to get him up in the morning. he just > cant seem to think...no work, no money, no home. any > suggestions...what can i do. this seems to be the area of biggest > struggle for him. The strange thing is that he says he likes his > job, but cant find his " clipboard " so he can't go. Hy hubby gets > madder and madder at me for even careing about him every day. HELP > Sandi, > Stop calling him every morning. Get mad, Sandi. He's a big boy. If you > loses his job it's his fault, not yours. You will grieve, cry, worry, fret. > You are only stressing yourself and not helping him. You are putting a strain > on your marriage and you and hubby come first, no matter what! Trust me, I > almost lost mine and it took too long to find him. If hubby wants to think > there is nothing wrong, then let him. He really should be educated, but you can > only lead a horse to water............ > You cannot fix your son. He will get a grip, but in his own time. Has he > ever been to an ER or evaluated by crisis intervention? Or he just lays around, > does he get angry? Maybe he is suffering from depression first. My daughter > had to be kicked out of my home twice and once from somewhere else in order > to her to seek help. You are not responsible for your son. I know you want to > make it all better, but you can't He has to do it. Maybe the girl he is > living with can get him to get himself help. Stop talking about your son around > hubby. > Your son is going to do what he is going to do. You can call him every > morning, he will come up with some excuse why he isn't going to work. YOU can't > make him go. You are only stressing yourself and the life around you. Work on > your life, you raised your son, he has to do the rest. > > DebbieL > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted February 8, 2006 Report Share Posted February 8, 2006 Very well said Kelley. Kerk0522 kerk0522@...> wrote: Then don't " side " with him. Why do you have to " pick " at all? Here are the facts: You have a grown son, who has an ex-spouse (or soon to be; I'm not sure) with whom he shares a child. He is living with a girlfriend. Unfortunately, he also has a very serious mental illness. Your his mother, you love him with everything that you are, would do anything to help him, to make this illness go away, to make it better, just like we all would, IF WE COULD. But the catch here is that you cannot fix your son. You can support him when he recognizes something is wrong and decides to get help. But you cannot save him if he does not want to be saved. Instead, you need to begin to do things to take care of yourself -- whatever that might be. If you haven't read SWOE or Co-Dependent No More, that's a good place to start. As DebbieL says -- change your REACTIONS to his ACTIONS. It's tough love in a way but really it's just saying to your adult child -- be an adult. Why seek help if someone else is always going to pick up the pieces? Just things to think about and process, if they apply to your situation. Kelley C. Sandi ihopeinnothingless@...> wrote: I can't side w hubby. I believe he too is bpd. he has been abusive to me and the children. I am very mad!! Why do people always say hubby first...He is a cold hearted hateful person i am tired of siding with the abuser against the abused! Lost and feeling hopeless Sandi > > In a message dated 2/8/2006 6:30:43 AM Eastern Standard Time, > ihopeinnothingless@... writes: > I call him to get him up in the morning. he just > cant seem to think...no work, no money, no home. any > suggestions...what can i do. this seems to be the area of biggest > struggle for him. The strange thing is that he says he likes his > job, but cant find his " clipboard " so he can't go. Hy hubby gets > madder and madder at me for even careing about him every day. HELP > Sandi, > Stop calling him every morning. Get mad, Sandi. He's a big boy. If you > loses his job it's his fault, not yours. You will grieve, cry, worry, fret. > You are only stressing yourself and not helping him. You are putting a strain > on your marriage and you and hubby come first, no matter what! Trust me, I > almost lost mine and it took too long to find him. If hubby wants to think > there is nothing wrong, then let him. He really should be educated, but you can > only lead a horse to water............ > You cannot fix your son. He will get a grip, but in his own time. Has he > ever been to an ER or evaluated by crisis intervention? Or he just lays around, > does he get angry? Maybe he is suffering from depression first. My daughter > had to be kicked out of my home twice and once from somewhere else in order > to her to seek help. You are not responsible for your son. I know you want to > make it all better, but you can't He has to do it. Maybe the girl he is > living with can get him to get himself help. Stop talking about your son around > hubby. > Your son is going to do what he is going to do. You can call him every > morning, he will come up with some excuse why he isn't going to work. YOU can't > make him go. You are only stressing yourself and the life around you. Work on > your life, you raised your son, he has to do the rest. > > DebbieL > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted February 8, 2006 Report Share Posted February 8, 2006 Sandi, It is time for you to put yourself FIRST! Both your son and husband are adults and capable of taking care of themselves. My daughter 38 and husband are both BPD. I only learned about this disorder a few months ago but the more I learn the more I realize it is time to put myself first and let them take care of themselves. Because no matter what I say or do they are going to " do things their way " anyway and I am tired of being miserable due to their choices. Sandi ihopeinnothingless@...> wrote: I can't side w hubby. I believe he too is bpd. he has been abusive to me and the children. I am very mad!! Why do people always say hubby first...He is a cold hearted hateful person i am tired of siding with the abuser against the abused! Lost and feeling hopeless Sandi > > In a message dated 2/8/2006 6:30:43 AM Eastern Standard Time, > ihopeinnothingless@... writes: > I call him to get him up in the morning. he just > cant seem to think...no work, no money, no home. any > suggestions...what can i do. this seems to be the area of biggest > struggle for him. The strange thing is that he says he likes his > job, but cant find his " clipboard " so he can't go. Hy hubby gets > madder and madder at me for even careing about him every day. HELP > Sandi, > Stop calling him every morning. Get mad, Sandi. He's a big boy. If you > loses his job it's his fault, not yours. You will grieve, cry, worry, fret. > You are only stressing yourself and not helping him. You are putting a strain > on your marriage and you and hubby come first, no matter what! Trust me, I > almost lost mine and it took too long to find him. If hubby wants to think > there is nothing wrong, then let him. He really should be educated, but you can > only lead a horse to water............ > You cannot fix your son. He will get a grip, but in his own time. Has he > ever been to an ER or evaluated by crisis intervention? Or he just lays around, > does he get angry? Maybe he is suffering from depression first. My daughter > had to be kicked out of my home twice and once from somewhere else in order > to her to seek help. You are not responsible for your son. I know you want to > make it all better, but you can't He has to do it. Maybe the girl he is > living with can get him to get himself help. Stop talking about your son around > hubby. > Your son is going to do what he is going to do. You can call him every > morning, he will come up with some excuse why he isn't going to work. YOU can't > make him go. You are only stressing yourself and the life around you. Work on > your life, you raised your son, he has to do the rest. > > DebbieL > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted February 8, 2006 Report Share Posted February 8, 2006 I really have a hard time with the idea of letting him fall. After all he would never have been sexually abused or beaten if I would have just stood up for him earlier. He wouldn't have this problem if I were there. > > > > In a message dated 2/8/2006 6:30:43 AM Eastern Standard Time, > > ihopeinnothingless@ writes: > > I call him to get him up in the morning. he just > > cant seem to think...no work, no money, no home. any > > suggestions...what can i do. this seems to be the area of biggest > > struggle for him. The strange thing is that he says he likes his > > job, but cant find his " clipboard " so he can't go. Hy hubby gets > > madder and madder at me for even careing about him every day. HELP > > Sandi, > > Stop calling him every morning. Get mad, Sandi. He's a big > boy. If you > > loses his job it's his fault, not yours. You will grieve, cry, > worry, fret. > > You are only stressing yourself and not helping him. You are > putting a strain > > on your marriage and you and hubby come first, no matter what! > Trust me, I > > almost lost mine and it took too long to find him. If hubby wants > to think > > there is nothing wrong, then let him. He really should be > educated, but you can > > only lead a horse to water............ > > You cannot fix your son. He will get a grip, but in his own > time. Has he > > ever been to an ER or evaluated by crisis intervention? Or he > just lays around, > > does he get angry? Maybe he is suffering from depression first. > My daughter > > had to be kicked out of my home twice and once from somewhere else > in order > > to her to seek help. You are not responsible for your son. I > know you want to > > make it all better, but you can't He has to do it. Maybe the > girl he is > > living with can get him to get himself help. Stop talking about > your son around > > hubby. > > Your son is going to do what he is going to do. You can call him > every > > morning, he will come up with some excuse why he isn't going to > work. YOU can't > > make him go. You are only stressing yourself and the life around > you. Work on > > your life, you raised your son, he has to do the rest. > > > > DebbieL > > > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted February 8, 2006 Report Share Posted February 8, 2006 He was sexually abused at the age of 5 by my brother who at the time was 15. I did not know until My som was 18 and it came out again one time he was drunk. He did try to tell us when he was 5 but we didn't believe him. I just feel sick about it! When I look back..... the physical/emotional abuse was his whole childhood. His biological father gave him up for adoption to my Husband. Before doing so however his bio dad would say he would pick him up..I knew he would not come but my hub made him sit and wait and then tell them bio-dad didn't care about him. After the adoption was final hub just never bonded with him. He was always very cruel in his discipline and on several ocassions would beat him with belt or other. He was verbally and physically abusive to me too. My son would get furious I would have to calm him down. We have 4 other children.the youngest 2 were not treated with the harshness as the older 3 but the oldest 2 bio- dads abd adopted were treated the worst. This was way more than just regular discipline. he Bloodied his nose called him names. I went to my pastor and was told to go back and submit to hub that my son didn't look abused. The pastor told my son that too. Needless to say my son walked or should I say ran away from the Lord. I was so scared and wanted to do what was right and thought I needed to stay with my husb. Afterall God hates divorce. OOO What a fool. I should have never stopped asking for help. looking back oooo..... > > When and by whom was your son sexually and physically abused? These are > obviously situations that have probably caused this illness. He definitely > needs counseling to resolve all his anger toward that party as well as expressing > everything he must feel. He must be overwhelmed with all sorts of emotions. > > Jean > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted February 8, 2006 Report Share Posted February 8, 2006 Hi again Sandi, I'm sorry to hear your hubby is an abusive person ... sounds you have two bpd persons in your life. I do believe there is a huge genetic connection to this disorder, but knowing where it " comes from " does nothing make things easier. I must say I agree with the advice DebbieL gave you. As long as *you* take responsibility for getting him up in the morning *he* doesn't need to. I say this as someone who just within the last year had to take a giant step back from my son, as I was close to collapse. Not only that, I had conditioned him into thinking that when things were bad in his life *I* somehow could solve it. Wrong!! Probably the biggest turning point in my sons' life was when his fiancé told him she was leaving, because he was refusing to go for any treatment. Well that shook him up, and he didn't want to lose her, so he went. (This is after his doctor and I had spent hundreds of hours trying to convince him to go into a program for depression/anxiety). My point here is that *he* chose to attend only when he realized he DID have the power to make his life better. At the same time I set boundaries. Not to keep him away, but to protect MY sanity. I no longer answered every phone call of his, and when we did talk I refused to get sucked in to the " my life sucks and I'm going to kill myself " trap. While he knows I'd sacrifice my life for him if necessary, he got the picture that I FINALLY realized *I* couldn't save him. Only he could do that, and only if I backed away and forced him to. I also found myself a little hobby (card making & creating dried flower arrangements). I LOVE just sitting and taking some time doing something that makes me happy. I've started to read again .... something I had no time to do while I was busy trying to " fix " his life. My hubby also became frustrated with me. He said he found it so hard to watch my son dragging me into the depths of despair. If the choice arose to watch a tv show with hubby or spend hours rehashing old issues on the phone with my son, I'd chose my son. That was wrong ... for all of us. I'm not saying it's wrong to give time when appropriate, but you have to try to look at things objectively if you can. Who's controlling your life? Probably you son, and *his* life. Sandi there IS hope. You raised your son to the best of your ability, and I'm wondering if you're feeling a sense of guilt about how his life is going? I know personally I blamed myself for everything that was wrong with my son until I found this group & the Eggshells book. If you do feel all of this is somehow your fault, please know it's not. As parents I believe we can help our children with this disorder once we educate ourselves & discover how to care for them without " taking care " of them. Something you said made me wonder if you're blaming your hubby for your son's predicament. We can't undo our children's upbringing. All we can do is help them find their way in life by allowing them to take the credit for the good choices, and take responsibility for the bad ones. Please keep posting. I promise you that you'll gain strength as you sort things out. Prayers & hugs to you. Joan p.s. Had a wonderful chat with my son last night on the phone. He's rational, appropriate, says he thinks he " really likes " his job and is obviously looking forward to the future. He ended the call by saying " Gotta go -- love you " . Now how's that for progress??? ----Original Message Follows---- Reply-To: WTOParentsOfBPs To: WTOParentsOfBPs Subject: Re: 25 year old son Date: Wed, 08 Feb 2006 16:02:11 -0000 I can't side w hubby. I believe he too is bpd. he has been abusive to me and the children. I am very mad!! Why do people always say hubby first...He is a cold hearted hateful person i am tired of siding with the abuser against the abused! Lost and feeling hopeless Sandi > > In a message dated 2/8/2006 6:30:43 AM Eastern Standard Time, > ihopeinnothingless@... writes: > I call him to get him up in the morning. he just > cant seem to think...no work, no money, no home. any > suggestions...what can i do. this seems to be the area of biggest > struggle for him. The strange thing is that he says he likes his > job, but cant find his " clipboard " so he can't go. Hy hubby gets > madder and madder at me for even careing about him every day. HELP > Sandi, > Stop calling him every morning. Get mad, Sandi. He's a big boy. If you > loses his job it's his fault, not yours. You will grieve, cry, worry, fret. > You are only stressing yourself and not helping him. You are putting a strain > on your marriage and you and hubby come first, no matter what! Trust me, I > almost lost mine and it took too long to find him. If hubby wants to think > there is nothing wrong, then let him. He really should be educated, but you can > only lead a horse to water............ > You cannot fix your son. He will get a grip, but in his own time. Has he > ever been to an ER or evaluated by crisis intervention? Or he just lays around, > does he get angry? Maybe he is suffering from depression first. My daughter > had to be kicked out of my home twice and once from somewhere else in order > to her to seek help. You are not responsible for your son. I know you want to > make it all better, but you can't He has to do it. Maybe the girl he is > living with can get him to get himself help. Stop talking about your son around > hubby. > Your son is going to do what he is going to do. You can call him every > morning, he will come up with some excuse why he isn't going to work. YOU can't > make him go. You are only stressing yourself and the life around you. Work on > your life, you raised your son, he has to do the rest. > > DebbieL > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted February 9, 2006 Report Share Posted February 9, 2006 There is nothing to say but thank you. Sandi > > > > In a message dated 2/8/2006 6:30:43 AM Eastern Standard Time, > > ihopeinnothingless@ writes: > > I call him to get him up in the morning. he just > > cant seem to think...no work, no money, no home. any > > suggestions...what can i do. this seems to be the area of biggest > > struggle for him. The strange thing is that he says he likes his > > job, but cant find his " clipboard " so he can't go. Hy hubby gets > > madder and madder at me for even careing about him every day. HELP > > Sandi, > > Stop calling him every morning. Get mad, Sandi. He's a big > boy. If you > > loses his job it's his fault, not yours. You will grieve, cry, > worry, fret. > > You are only stressing yourself and not helping him. You are > putting a strain > > on your marriage and you and hubby come first, no matter what! > Trust me, I > > almost lost mine and it took too long to find him. If hubby wants > to think > > there is nothing wrong, then let him. He really should be > educated, but you can > > only lead a horse to water............ > > You cannot fix your son. He will get a grip, but in his own > time. Has he > > ever been to an ER or evaluated by crisis intervention? Or he > just lays around, > > does he get angry? Maybe he is suffering from depression first. > My daughter > > had to be kicked out of my home twice and once from somewhere else > in order > > to her to seek help. You are not responsible for your son. I > know you want to > > make it all better, but you can't He has to do it. Maybe the > girl he is > > living with can get him to get himself help. Stop talking about > your son around > > hubby. > > Your son is going to do what he is going to do. You can call him > every > > morning, he will come up with some excuse why he isn't going to > work. YOU can't > > make him go. You are only stressing yourself and the life around > you. Work on > > your life, you raised your son, he has to do the rest. > > > > DebbieL > > > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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