New member - where do I begin

Posted January 12, 2006 · January 12, 2006

Just learned of your site a couple of weeks ago and have been reading your

messages daily since then. My husband and I have a 35 year old daughter who has

been diagnosed within the past few months with bpd. My h and I have been

reading SWOE and our daughter's behaviour for the past 20 years is finally

making alot of sense. All of your posts have helped me tremendously (my h has

not yet read them)... knowing that we are not alone in the struggles that we

have had. Our daughter has also been diagnosed with a mood disorder, depression

and anxiety/panic disorder. I'm not sure at this point whether some or all of

these are a result or part of the bpd.

Some of her early history ... she was molested by a neighbour boy at the age of

5, she was a rebellious teen at age 14/15 and we had her placed in a foster home

for 3 months. When she came back home, she seemed to be better for a time then

we moved to a new community just before her 16th birthday. She seemed to have

trouble adjusting but we put it down to a new school, new community and of

course those awful teen years. She has a brother 2 yrs older and she has always

had resentment towards him. .. feels that we love him more, always doing more

for him, prouder of him, etc. etc. In her early 20's, she told us that she is a

lesbian. Until recently I felt that alot of her struggles throughout her life

were because she didn't fully accept her sexuality... her depression, low

self-esteem and no love for herself.

She had a good job in her early 20's, which she held for about 5 - 6 years,

bought a house and car and lived on her own. Life seemed good!! Then she had a

relationship go bad, she started taking anti-depressants and things seemed to go

downhill from there. She has been taking the meds for approx. 7 - 8 years now.

During that time, her behaviour would go from bad to worse. She lost her job ..

blamed it on her employer and we sided with her. She would rant and rave at her

Dad and I and then we wouldn't see her for awhile. Mostly she would direct her

anger towards me so for a long time her Dad thought it was just a

mother/daughter thing and that we just couldn't seem to get along.

In the past year and a half, she has not been working. She has been seeing a

therapist regularly and is also working with her doctor to get on the right

meds. She is still taking an antidepressant and also something for her anxiety

attacks. She also attends a group for managing depression and is on a waitlist

for a group with bpd. She recently mentioned that her gp wants her to start on

some other treatment. I haven't discussed it with her but I think it may be dbt

.... not sure. She is now on a disability income, we have been making her

mortgage payments for almost a year and have also been giving her money when she

asks for it. Since she was approved for the disability income, she seems to

have lost sight of who she is ... now she is a pwd (person with a disability)...

and we need to " respect " her disability. Prior to getting the approval she

talked about getting back into the work force, and just getting back into life

in general. Now she sleeps alot, doesn't eat well or at all, spends alot of

time on the computer playing games. I'm thinking that as long as the government

and her Dad and I are paying the bills, there really is no incentive for her to

do anything.

I've learned through reading your posts and swoe that we have been royally

manipulated and it is crucial that we set up boundaries. We have agreed to pay

her mortgage until June, she realizes that she has to sell the house and we

won't be giving her anymore money. For the past year, her Dad and I have been

very involved in her life ... thinking that the best way to support her would be

to be in her life and help her when we could, in any way that we could. But I

now know that the best way to help her, is to not help her. I have so much

reading material ... Codependent no More, swoe, Hope for Parents, I Hate You,

Don't Leave Me ... I'm feeling a little resentful that I have to put so much

more time into all of this. I'm still having difficulty accepting that I can't

fix her. In my head I know it but my heart is having a hard time.

My apologies for this lengthy post. It's difficult to put 30 years of struggles

into a few paragraphs. I do believe that there is hope for our daughter and

ourselves. She is taking some steps on her own and I believe once her Dad and I

set our boundaries and let her know what they are, things will move in the right

direction. I'm excited and at the same time a little frightened that I have

found all of you.... excited because I now know more about what we are dealing

with and frightened because that means giving up the denial that I have been

living with for all these years.

Debbie ... you mentioned a contract that you drew up. I would be interested in

seeing it.

Thank you all for your support,

Judy

Posted January 18, 2006 · January 18, 2006

Hi Judy, I have just been catching up on my mail, so excuse me if I'm a little

late welcoming you to the group. I have belonged for almost a year and have

learned so much. Normally I'm not sure I have advice for older adult children

and parents, but something struck me in your story. My daughter just turned 19

so you and I are in slightly different places- or are we? I wanted to address

the issue of meds with you. My daughter had been taking paxil for her

depression/anxiety as well as lithium. she has been diagnosed as bi-polar.

She never had an official bpd diagnosis, I have learned that there is a fine

line in the ability to distinguish between bi-polar, bpd, and even ADHD. I

finally set up some serious boundaries and expectations in August and my

daughter has made a huge change. I do believe it isn't only the boundaries,

but I decided not to chase after her to take her medicine, she could suffer the

consequence of her behavior. She has always expressed her

dislike for it- I didn't listen. She has weaned herself off of all of it, to

my amazement her rages decreased and she once again has incentive to go after

personal goals. She went from what your daughter is doing now- nothing- to

applying, registering, and making her way to classes. I think I really

believe now that the anti-depressant- was having a severe negative impact on

her. I didn't listen to her before thinking medicine was the answer. It kind

of sounds like you are concerned over her taking these medications. Who is

prescribing them? A psychiatrist or a general practicioner, you said gp and

I'm not sure what you were referring to. who has diagnosed her? A

psychiatrist or her therapist? Also, in the world of mental health a mood

disorder would come before a personality disorder.

It's funny how anti-depressants work for some and not for others. We could

have stock in all the Paxil in my house, not only was my daughter taking it but

I do as well and so was my father. I have an anxiety disorder and it has been

a wonder drug for me. No negative reactions, only positive. After 4 years on

it, I see a huge change in my daughter not being on it. My dad couldn't

handle it physically, he reacts well to Zoloft. I don't. Soo, prescribing

meds is a real trick.

Hope to hear from you,

runningal60 runningal60@...> wrote:

Just learned of your site a couple of weeks ago and have been reading your

messages daily since then. My husband and I have a 35 year old daughter who

has been diagnosed within the past few months with bpd. My h and I have been

reading SWOE and our daughter's behaviour for the past 20 years is finally

making alot of sense. All of your posts have helped me tremendously (my h has

not yet read them)... knowing that we are not alone in the struggles that we

have had. Our daughter has also been diagnosed with a mood disorder,

depression and anxiety/panic disorder. I'm not sure at this point whether some

or all of these are a result or part of the bpd.

Some of her early history ... she was molested by a neighbour boy at the age

of 5, she was a rebellious teen at age 14/15 and we had her placed in a foster

home for 3 months. When she came back home, she seemed to be better for a time

then we moved to a new community just before her 16th birthday. She seemed to

have trouble adjusting but we put it down to a new school, new community and of

course those awful teen years. She has a brother 2 yrs older and she has

always had resentment towards him. .. feels that we love him more, always doing

more for him, prouder of him, etc. etc. In her early 20's, she told us that she

is a lesbian. Until recently I felt that alot of her struggles throughout her

life were because she didn't fully accept her sexuality... her depression, low

self-esteem and no love for herself.

She had a good job in her early 20's, which she held for about 5 - 6 years,

bought a house and car and lived on her own. Life seemed good!! Then she had

a relationship go bad, she started taking anti-depressants and things seemed to

go downhill from there. She has been taking the meds for approx. 7 - 8 years

now. During that time, her behaviour would go from bad to worse. She lost her

job .. blamed it on her employer and we sided with her. She would rant and

rave at her Dad and I and then we wouldn't see her for awhile. Mostly she

would direct her anger towards me so for a long time her Dad thought it was

just a mother/daughter thing and that we just couldn't seem to get along.

In the past year and a half, she has not been working. She has been seeing a

therapist regularly and is also working with her doctor to get on the right

meds. She is still taking an antidepressant and also something for her anxiety

attacks. She also attends a group for managing depression and is on a waitlist

for a group with bpd. She recently mentioned that her gp wants her to start on

some other treatment. I haven't discussed it with her but I think it may be

dbt ... not sure. She is now on a disability income, we have been making her

mortgage payments for almost a year and have also been giving her money when

she asks for it. Since she was approved for the disability income, she seems

to have lost sight of who she is ... now she is a pwd (person with a

disability)... and we need to " respect " her disability. Prior to getting the

approval she talked about getting back into the work force, and just getting

back into life in general. Now she sleeps alot,

doesn't eat well or at all, spends alot of time on the computer playing games.

I'm thinking that as long as the government and her Dad and I are paying the

bills, there really is no incentive for her to do anything.

I've learned through reading your posts and swoe that we have been royally

manipulated and it is crucial that we set up boundaries. We have agreed to pay

her mortgage until June, she realizes that she has to sell the house and we

won't be giving her anymore money. For the past year, her Dad and I have been

very involved in her life ... thinking that the best way to support her would

be to be in her life and help her when we could, in any way that we could. But

I now know that the best way to help her, is to not help her. I have so much

reading material ... Codependent no More, swoe, Hope for Parents, I Hate You,

Don't Leave Me ... I'm feeling a little resentful that I have to put so much

more time into all of this. I'm still having difficulty accepting that I can't

fix her. In my head I know it but my heart is having a hard time.

My apologies for this lengthy post. It's difficult to put 30 years of

struggles into a few paragraphs. I do believe that there is hope for our

daughter and ourselves. She is taking some steps on her own and I believe once

her Dad and I set our boundaries and let her know what they are, things will

move in the right direction. I'm excited and at the same time a little

frightened that I have found all of you.... excited because I now know more

about what we are dealing with and frightened because that means giving up the

denial that I have been living with for all these years.

Debbie ... you mentioned a contract that you drew up. I would be interested

in seeing it.

Thank you all for your support,

Judy

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From Randi Kreger, Owner of BPDCentral and the WTO Online Community

Posted January 18, 2006 · January 18, 2006

I was told at NAMI that if your loved ones take the SSRIs (Paxil,

Zoloft,Lexapro,Prozac,etc,) and they are bipolar it can send them into a manic

episode.

In fact this is how many find out they are bipolar.

Posted January 19, 2006 · January 19, 2006

Doctors will look at a BP and see a depressed patient.

Most don't understand the other side of BPD. But they

see what's in front of them at that time...a seriously

depressed looking patient.

SSRI's are antidepressants. Those are proven to

control the effects of depression. Unfortunately, with

BPs this " treating symptoms instead of causes " is an

" emotional upper " ...that can produce rages with added

confidence.

My wife was on zoloft for awhile...one of the worst

things was that added confidence during her rages.

The " Zoloft Episode " was one reason I lost confidence

in most of the established medical community with

respect to BPD.

--- twinpinesjll@... wrote:

> I was told at NAMI that if your loved ones take the

> SSRIs (Paxil,

> Zoloft,Lexapro,Prozac,etc,) and they are bipolar it

> can send them into a manic episode.

> In fact this is how many find out they are bipolar.

>

__________________________________________________

Posted January 19, 2006 · January 19, 2006

Hi , Thanks for your thoughts. Our daughter started on paxil about 8

years ago. She was on it for about a year but her symptoms of depression

seemed to get worse (according to her) so the gp then prescribed effexor, which

she is still on. Because she is an adult, 35 yo, and hasn't lived with us since

her teens, we had no idea what her life was like on a daily basis. When we did

see her, sometimes she was like her old self and other times she would be moody

and sometimes very nasty. We thought she may be using street drugs. The more

time we spent with her, the more we saw the bad behaviour. Eventually (about 3

years ago) we realized that the only drug she was taking was the effexor and

thought that was the cause of her erratic behaviour. She weaned herself off

over several months and we saw a drastic change in her, again more like her old

self. Then she was feeling stressed about starting a new job, and started back

on the meds again. She was taking the max dose until about 6 months ago but

was having severe side effects so she agained weaned herself down to the min

dose. Unfortunately she doesn't take the meds regularly. She'll have a good

day, so then she won't take any ... then she has a bad day or two and then

starts taking them again. So it's difficult to know whether they are helping or

hurting her. She doesn't eat regularly either ... lives on coffee, cigs and

meds .... that can't be a good thing. We live in a community of about 70,000

.... there are only 3 psychiatrists here and it takes at least 6 months to get

into see one, then another 6 months for a follow-up appt. Her diagnosis was

made by her gp and therapist and she has had only 2 short (about 10 min. each)

visits with the psychiatrist. which were a complete waste of time.

On a positive note, she called me the other night while she was having a panic

attack. I immediately went into rescue mode ... " pack a bag, I'll be right over

to pick you up " ... then I gave myself a slap and smartened up. Told her that I

thought it best that I call 911 as they would be better equipped to help her.

Anyway, bottomline is that we talked for 1 1/2 hours and at the end of it, we

were laughing and joking like old times. The next day she thanked me for being

there for her (something she hasn't done for ages) and said she realized that I

was " different " now that I understand more about her illness. I felt in control

of myself for the first time and it worked much better for her and me. She also

has an appointment next week to do some volunteer work, with the possibility

that it will become a paying job. She is very excited and said that she

realizes that she needs to have structure and a purpose to her daily life ....

so alot of good changes for all of us this week.

Thanks again to all of you in this group. I'm so grateful for all of your

support and words of wisdom.

Judy

> Just learned of your site a couple of weeks ago and have been reading your

messages daily since then. My husband and I have a 35 year old daughter who has

been diagnosed within the past few months with bpd. My h and I have been reading

SWOE and our daughter's behaviour for the past 20 years is finally making alot

of sense. All of your posts have helped me tremendously (my h has not yet read

them)... knowing that we are not alone in the struggles that we have had. Our

daughter has also been diagnosed with a mood disorder, depression and

anxiety/panic disorder. I'm not sure at this point whether some or all of these

are a result or part of the bpd.

>

> Some of her early history ... she was molested by a neighbour boy at the age