new to group

September 13, 2002

Hi ,

Welcome to the group. You've come to the right place for all the information

and seasoned advice.

Before being diagnosed with Chiari, it's very common for doctors to think

we're just making things up. Mine has yet apologized for her mistake, and

it's been over three years. :-)

Admittedly surgery is a scary concept. For me, when I weighed the

alternative, I chose surgery for all the right reasons.

1. I didn't want to be without speech.. I love to talk. lol

2. I truly felt my life force leaving me, and really wanted to stick around

for a lot longer.

This is not the case for everyone, however.

We all know it's nearly impossible to be stress free in this life. But, here

you'll get some good feed back and shoulders to lean on and understand just

what you mean.

Take care, and God Bless,

Beth

Brinna's Dream.com

www.brinnasdream.com

new to group

| Hello! I am a newly dx chiarian. I have been reading some of the

| posts in the last day or two to get an idea of what the group does.

| I guess I should introduce myself. My name is , I live in

| northeast Illinois. I'm married with four children. I truly believe

| that I have been suffering with (bizarre) symptoms for years, (my

| primary doc thinks I'm nuts) but Chiari was only recently reveled on

| a chance MRI that was done for trigeminal neuralgia by Dr. Citow, a

| very nice neurosurgeon. I was initially relieved to have a dx, but

| now I'm beginning to think that this is not such a good thing to

| have. Surgery scares me. I read the symptom alleviation list and had

| to really laugh, as most are just not possible in my life. My

| youngest had multiple disabilities, so lifting is in my daily

| routine. AS is stress, strain etc etc. My major problems are

| fatigue, and headaches. My husband doesn't get it and hasn't

| acknowledged any problem. I feel a bit frustrated, as I don't seem to

| have enough energy to meet all of my daily responsibilities and

| usually something has to give. This week its my house, what a mess!

| I'm sure alot can relate to this.

|

| Help section: http://www.yahoogroups.com/help/

|

| NOTE: NCC refers to posts with No Chiari Content

|

| To Unsubscribe Yourself:

| chiari-unsubscribe

|

| WACMA Home: Http://www.wacma.com

|

| WACMA Online Group: http://groups.yahoo.com/group/chiari/

|

March 7, 2006

Timi,

You've come to the right place. Many have been where you are.

For some, myself included, the teenage years were the worst. You seem on the

right track -- you are smart to look into facilities outside your home that can

help your daughter -- that way you can distance yourself and your other daughter

to regain balance in your lives.

You will learn to set rules, boundaries, maybe even draw up a contract if you

chose to allow your daughter back into your home. Rules -- consequences if the

rules are not adhered to.

Please do yourself a favor, though, and don't go into debt for this child. What

will you have left. Do you have good medical insurance? It sounds like the

weekly sessions are not covered.

My daughter, too, was a product of divorce. Always manipulating and playing

games, as a teenager lying, doing dramatic things to see our reaction. I

stopped reacting, got quiet, did more listening. And, then I noticed her dance

was quieter. My daughter is 21 now, the gleam in her eyes is not back, although

recently she's put on a little weight and looks somewhat healthier.

Occasionally, she can look me in the eye now and we can actually carry on a

conversation.

Over the years, I have been the biggest constant in her life. My story has

remained the same, my rules are the same, and I think that helps her.

I used to think I was not the right mother for her. Now I think I'm the right

mother, I just didn't get the right kid!!!!!

Our relationship will never be close -- it's something I live with. You are in

the crazy period now, hopefully it will subside. You will " mourn " the loss of

your baby girl and many of the hopes and dreams you had for her. It is

definitely a moruning cycle. But throughout it all, please be sure to take good

care of yourself and your other daughter. Health matters -- and comes first.

Thank you for sharing your story with us. I'm sorry you are going through this

now.

Keep us posted. Celebrate your joys and share your disappointments with us.

You will find the support you need here.

Carol

-------------- Original message --------------

> I'm a newbie! I have been reading the postings for about a week

> now, and finally have a moment to sit down and tell my story. It

> seems to me that many of you have a number of years experience with

> BPD in some form, so I am really hoping to grow in knowledge and

> strength.

>

> Please forgive me if this e-mail runs on, I figure best to spill

> everything out in one full swoop.

>

> I was only introduced to BPD about 4 months ago(an introduction I

> could have done without) when my then 15 year old daughter cut her

> wrist in an attempt to hold onto her boyfriend. The rollercaster we

> have been on since then has been extremely crazy and I have come to

> the point were nothing can shock me but everything compleatly kills

> me. I have been on my knees in prayer daily and have tried to put

> this in God's hands to the best of my ability. The list of details

> is as follows.

>

> *I am divorced - 3 years now, from an undiagnosed BP sex addict.

> *Single mom with 2 teenage girls 15 (non-BP), and 16 years( full

> blown BPD, ADD, BiPolar)

> * Took Kelsey(BPD) for Brain Spect scan in Dec. and got ADD &

> BiPolar diagnosis

> * Councilor diagnosed BPD in November

> * In the past 4 months she has stolen my car in an attempt to not

> have police come to house. Been admitted for 72 hours at Pshyc

> ward, taken Meth at least 2 times, smoked pot at least 4 times, Has

> gotten into a physical fight with her sister, run away twice,

> addmtied she LOVES dirty sex, lied about taking pills to OD, been

> kicked out of 2 schools, stolen money from me, her sister, friends,

> classmates, shoplifting (not caught) and now the new one... Taken

> naked photos and posted them on a lesbian web site. Apparently she

> is now bi-sexual. The idea of being a drug dealer or Pole dancer

> has come up as career options. Keep in mind she has only just

> turned 16. To look at her, you see this amazingly beautiful and

> talented singer that use to get straight A's. The spark in her eyes

> is gone, and the smile has turned to scorn.

>

> I am sure there are things I have forgotten and many I have not

> found out. Throughout all of this, she maintains that she is not

> doing anything wrong, or that I am exagerating. She feels she

> should not be punished for anything because she is " mentally ill "

> and it's not her fault. However, she is furious with me anytime I

> ask if she remembered to take her meds because her mood

> seems " unstable "

>

> I have bought SWOE and am trying to get through it... too many

> interuptions keep coming up. She has a fantastic councelor who

> compleatly gets BPD but is costing me $300 a week - which the " ex "

> will not pay for. This on top of trying to run my real estate

> business is going to cause me to lose everything if things don't

> change here soon. This weekend, she lied to her fathers girlfrined

> and told her that her dad and I are sleeping together and that he is

> seeing other woman too. All of this is in an attempt to have him

> move closer to us so she can live with him. He is devastated as

> this was the final straw for his girlfriend.

>

> I love my daughter with all my heart and will do whatever I need to

> do to get her help. I only have 2 years left until she turns 18 and

> I lose what little control I have. We have been looking for a

> program to send her away to before she causes too much trouble for

> herself, her sister or an innocent bystander. Does anyone

> have " success " stories of a good program that will allow her to stay

> on her " med " cocktail?

>

> I know this is going to be a lifelong situation, but feel like I

> can't function by myself. I am open to any and all suggestions as

> my story is not so different from any of yours. Is it always so

> extreme? Are there any miracle meds? Does anyone have a wealthy

> old man that want's to pay for my bills? (just kidding...gotta keep

> a sense of humor to function)

>

> I Just got a phone call from my non-BP's principle... she just got

> busted for stealing money in the PE locker(this is my obiedient

> child)... See how this effects those around you? Stop the roller

> coaster... I wanna get off!

>

> Thanks for reading.

> Timi

>

> Problems? Ask our friendly List Manager for help, @....

SEND

> HER ANY POSTS THAT CONCERN YOU; DO NOT RESPOND ONLINE.

>

> Essential reading to help you feel better and understand the BP in your life

> are:

>

> • SWOE ( " Stop Walking on Eggshells”) and the SWOE Workbook (for everyone)

> • HOPE FOR PARENTS

>

> Call 888-35-SHELL () to order your copies.

>

> From Randi Kreger, Owner of BPDCentral and the WTO Online Community

>

March 24, 2006

Hi , I have found that I had to examine my need to take care of my daughter

so that she wouldn't self destruct and determined that there is a big

difference between supporting and enabling. I enabled. Since I have focused

on this I have established boundaries and expectations of her. It's working,

although it hasn't been easier or smooth. She has come a long way though and

is on the road to a more positive self esteem and independence. She raged,

made huge holes in my walls, the whole nine yards. She does occassionally but

not violently or destructively. There is hope.

gina244881 gina244881@...> wrote: My 24 year old son has BPD. As a

teen he was severly depressed and

started self medicating until he had a huge drug problem. Almost

dying forced him into the hospital and gave him a chance for

recovery. 5 years later, he is finally clean but now the mental

health issues are becoming clearer. We sold our home and bought a

house with a MIL aparment, knowing he cannot live on his own. He got

married 2 years ago impulsively and that union is falling apart. He

has a 1 year old son who he is co parenting with the mom. (With our

supervision). He adores his son, a reason for him to live. The

challenge is living with his BP behaviors. He constantly blames us

for everything, sees himself as a victim, overreacts to the simplest

thing, is sure we are deliberately sabatoging his happiness and

disrespecting him. He rages and does damage to the house and

anything in his path. If we did not put food in front of him, he

would not eat then fall apart. (he got down to 120 lb and he is 6 ft

tall). Even though we bought a property specifically so he could

individuate and have his own space, he is in our house 24/7. He

hates to be alone.He has abandonment fears. He insists on the same

routine of eating at a certain restaurant every morning. If we

deviate, he is extremely anxiety ridden. He has a therapist but

frequently cancels the appointments because " They don't do any good " .

He refuses to take meds because he gained 80 pounds on Zyprexa and

in his black and white thinking, all meds will cause him to gain

weight. He is all or nothing. We have no leverage with him. He is

self destructive and would live under a bush if threatened to kick

him out. He has done so. Does this all sound familiar and how do you

live with it?

Problems? Ask our friendly List Manager for help, @....

SEND HER ANY POSTS THAT CONCERN YOU; DO NOT RESPOND ONLINE.

Essential reading to help you feel better and understand the BP in your life

are:

• SWOE ( " Stop Walking on Eggshells”) and the SWOE Workbook (for everyone)

• HOPE FOR PARENTS

Call 888-35-SHELL () to order your copies.

From Randi Kreger, Owner of BPDCentral and the WTO Online Community

March 25, 2006

Hi ,

I really understand the feeling of wondering what will

happen to your son when you are gone. The dr that

diagnosed our daughter as bpd said she didn't imagine

whe would ever be a productive member of society. We

have always, always, always had problems with her. As

young parents, we had no idea that this was NOT the

way kids were supposed to be, and we became like you,

adjusting everything we did to meet her needs and

doing things the way she wanted them because it seemed

necessary for her. It became clear (finally) that she

was not normal when our younger daughter went to

college a year ago. She had always been insecure,

too, but she blossomed before our eyes. She doesn't

want to be dependent on us the way her sister is. She

is keeping up a good gpa, working part time and doing

sports, too. Her sister could only ever do one thing

at a time, and now even that is hard. One

psychiatrist said we just had to stop saving her (bpd

dtr) or she'd never have any confidence. We tried

letting her flail around, but she stopped being able

to pull herself together. I've read the term

" persistent negativity, " and that describes her

perfectly. Nothing serves as motivation, it just

makes her feel worse. So just letting her flail on

her own didn't work, and we dragged her home.

Your son has lots of problems and you and your husband

are virtually supporting him and his wife and son. It

will only get harder. I see in one posting that the

mother is involved in Al-Anon to work on

co-dependence. Your son is never going to come around

and decide he needs help as long as you and his father

take care of him (and BELIEVE ME I understand that you

love him very, very much), but as some of the others

have said, that much attention is not good for him,

ultimately. But you and your husband need help and

encouragement to try to change the way you do things

so that your son can decide he needs to get help. So

far, we have only got as far as being able to live

peacably in the same house. I try not to get too

involved in her sad stories (something I was deeply

involved in for, say 16 of her 22 years) nor do I

adjust my social calendar to make sure she's happy.

We feed her, but give her no spending money. She

works for me (I have a home office), and I'll let her

earn up to about $300 a month, but that money is going

into the bank for the time when she gets it together

enough to go back to college when she'll need a place

to stay -- and not a moment before. She has managed

to get two tutoring jobs for minimal spending money.

Also It turns out that it's easier for her to go in

and out of her slumps and unhappiness if we let her

alone. She said she's always felt she had to explain

them to us and her old boyfriend -- even though she

didn't have a clue herself. Today my husband and I

went out for the day, just the two of us, for the

first time in months. When we came home she was

obviously depressed and unhappy with life, but we just

kind of let her be. We've learned to carry on a

conversation even if she's sitting there staring at

the wall right in front of us. When we act normal and

basically OK, she eventually gives a smile and even

says something funny. A small gift, but we're glad

for it.

It's hard every blessed step of the way, but something

can be done. I really do hope you find something or

someone that you can talk to.

Many hugs, Deborah

--- gina244881 gina244881@...> wrote:

> I am so impressed with your boundary setting.

> Whenever we have tried to

> ask him to help, he interprets it as us not wanting

> him around. He

> twists things then he rages and threatens to leave.

> When he leaves, he

> does self destructive things and it takes months to

> get him back to

> something that resembles normal. He despairs so

> easily that we never

> know what we are going to trigger. Our experiences

> with psychiatrists is

> that they don't know too much about borderline.

> Everyone wants to

> diagnose him as bipolar and put him on meds. All the

> meds did was make

> him sleep 20 hours a day and gain 80 pounds.I can

> sure relate to the

> coming into the bedroom. He used to walk in at any

> hour and flip on the

> lights. At least now he knows better than to do

> that. I have read the

> Eggshell book and will reread it. Has anyone really

> discerned the cause

> of BP? Is it chemical, environmental, genetic? I am

> seeing less and less

> of the sweet son I once knew. He has always had

> mental issues but I

> could reach his core. Now it is so buried with

> anger, despair and self

> hatred. He feels so powerless and such a failure

> that he projects all

> his fears on us. We are pretty worn out and wonder

> what his future will

> hold when we are gone.

> ...> wrote:

> >

> > Dear ,

> >

> > You've come to the right place. Your son has

> symptoms

> > almost everyone can identify with, and you've

> > obviously done everything you could possibly do

> for

> > him -- a definite characteristic of parents on

> this

> > list.

> >

> > Have you read Stop Walking on Eggshells? It sounds

> as

> > though you are probably sacrificing much of your

> life

> > to try to keep him stable, and there have got to

> be

> > ways to make things easier for you. For example,

> > keeping him out of your house at least part of the

> > day, leaving him to deal with his own breakfast,

> > establishing consequences when he damages your

> > property and refuses to respect you or deal with

> you

> > in a calm way.

> >

> > One plus is that he has his son to live for.

> >

> > My daughter is another one who, when in a bad

> > condition, will not eat. Her last few months in

> > school it sounded as though she only ate when

> someone

> > took her out -- not the sort of behavior you want

> in a

> > young adult (she's 22). She's back at home, but

> > learning how to stay out of our space, not being

> so

> > demanding about meals and food, and so on. I don't

> > know how to describe it, she knows we care, but

> she

> > also knows we aren't going to put up with all her

> > tricks. Somehow we have convinced her that we will

> > not abandon her but we expect a certain degree of

> > behavior from her. We are careful not to demand

> more

> > than she is capable of, but enough so that we can

> > occupy the same space without killing each other.

> We

> > and some others on this list have used contracts

> or

> > written statements. Bpds can't keep things

> > straightened out in their minds and it is

> sometimes

> > helpful if they have the ground rules available

> for

> > reference. We started out asking her to wash the

> > bathtub and help with the cooking. Also to be out

> of

> > our bedroom by 10 p.m. When she said later that

> she

> > just couldn't promise to help with the housework,

> we

> > adjusted her jobs to doing her own things -- doing

> her

> > own laundry, cleaning up after her move home. We

> also

> > instituted non-cooking days when everyone takes

> care

> > of their own meals. One thing about being out of

> our

> > room: we initially said she had to be out by 10

> (she

> > watched TV with us and then would be in and out

> > looking for things while we were trying to sleep)

> but

> > let her know she could come in and see us if she

> was

> > just too upset and couldn't stay by herself. She

> did

> > it a couple of times, but hardly at all anymore.

> >

> > So we have ground rules that make it possible to

> > co-exist even though she still has almost all her

> bpd

> > issues still to deal with. She is in no way even

> close

> > to being able to function as an independent adult,

> but

> > she wants to be.

> >

> > Apparently your son is not going to keep himself

> in

> > treatment. Is there any way that you and your

> husband

> > can get help? My husband and I have spent almost

> as

> > much time with psychiatrists as our daughter has,

> and

> > it (along with the people on this mailing list)

> has

> > kept us sane. We are in family therapy right now,

> but

> > that is because our daughter has decided she'll go

> > along with it.

> >

> > Best of luck to you. Stay in touch and remember

> that

> > you have rights, too.

> >

> > Deborah

> >

> > --- gina244881 gina244881@... wrote:

> >

> > > My 24 year old son has BPD. As a teen he was

> severly

> > > depressed and

> > > started self medicating until he had a huge drug

> > > problem. Almost

> > > dying forced him into the hospital and gave him

> a

> > > chance for

> > > recovery. 5 years later, he is finally clean but

> now

> > > the mental

> > > health issues are becoming clearer. We sold our

> home

> > > and bought a

> > > house with a MIL aparment, knowing he cannot

> live on

> > > his own. He got

> > > married 2 years ago impulsively and that union

> is

> > > falling apart. He

> > > has a 1 year old son who he is co parenting with

> the

> > > mom. (With our

> > > supervision). He adores his son, a reason for

> him to

> > > live. The

> > > challenge is living with his BP behaviors. He

> > > constantly blames us

> > > for everything, sees himself as a victim,

> overreacts

> > > to the simplest

> > > thing, is sure we are deliberately sabatoging

> his

> > > happiness and

> > > disrespecting him. He rages and does damage to

> the

> > > house and

> > > anything in his path. If we did not put food in

> > > front of him, he

> > > would not eat then fall apart. (he got down to

> 120

> > > lb and he is 6 ft

> > > tall). Even though we bought a property

> specifically

> > > so he could

> > > individuate and have his own space, he is in our

> > > house 24/7. He

> > > hates to be alone.He has abandonment fears. He

> > > insists on the same

> > > routine of eating at a certain restaurant every

> > > morning. If we

>

=== message truncated ===

__________________________________________________

November 27, 2006

Hi my name is tammy i am 27 years old and i just found this group this evening.

i am having laprascopic RNY this thursday nov 30th at sycamore hospital in

miamisburg ohio. the nurvousness is starting to kick in as the days get closer.

i have had friends that has had it done so i have talked with alot of them and

feel comterable thanking i know what im going to expect. But its just had my age

having it done i never met anyone my age having this surgery done. but i know im

making the right choice cause i have high blood pressure and i also have a skin

desease called hydradenitis suppertiva (blocked and infected sweat glands) and

my plastic surgen for this thanks if i have this surgery it will help my

hydradenitis breakouts far and few between. and i have a 7 year old son and

would like to be able to get out and do more with my son as he is still young.

well thank you all for listning i am going to be posting pictures on my jurnal

on aol tomarrow i will send link if i am

alowed.. i dont know if this groups lets people send links.

---------------------------------

Cheap Talk? Check out Yahoo! Messenger's low PC-to-Phone call rates.

November 27, 2006

hi tammy i,m having my sugury at scamore too in miamisburg,ohio january22,2007

my doctor is dr.schumacher who is yours i,m 31 close to your age

tammy gau tamra1180@...> wrote: Hi my name is tammy i am 27

years old and i just found this group this evening. i am having laprascopic RNY

this thursday nov 30th at sycamore hospital in miamisburg ohio. the nurvousness

is starting to kick in as the days get closer. i have had friends that has had

it done so i have talked with alot of them and feel comterable thanking i know

what im going to expect. But its just had my age having it done i never met

anyone my age having this surgery done. but i know im making the right choice

cause i have high blood pressure and i also have a skin desease called

hydradenitis suppertiva (blocked and infected sweat glands) and my plastic

surgen for this thanks if i have this surgery it will help my hydradenitis

breakouts far and few between. and i have a 7 year old son and would like to be

able to get out and do more with my son as he is still young. well thank you all

for listning i am going to be posting pictures on my

jurnal on aol tomarrow i will send link if i am

alowed.. i dont know if this groups lets people send links.

---------------------------------

Cheap Talk? Check out Yahoo! Messenger's low PC-to-Phone call rates.

November 28, 2006

--- HI TAMMY ,, best wishes on your surgury. pray all goes well

for you. i had mine 2 weeks ago n it was amzing how i had little

pain.. looking forward to seeing your journal has you lose.. best

wishes ..donna In GastricBypass-LOSERS , tammy gau

wrote:

>

> Hi my name is tammy i am 27 years old and i just found this group

this evening. i am having laprascopic RNY this thursday nov 30th at

sycamore hospital in miamisburg ohio. the nurvousness is starting to

kick in as the days get closer. i have had friends that has had it

done so i have talked with alot of them and feel comterable thanking

i know what im going to expect. But its just had my age having it

done i never met anyone my age having this surgery done. but i know

im making the right choice cause i have high blood pressure and i

also have a skin desease called hydradenitis suppertiva (blocked and

infected sweat glands) and my plastic surgen for this thanks if i

have this surgery it will help my hydradenitis breakouts far and few

between. and i have a 7 year old son and would like to be able to

get out and do more with my son as he is still young. well thank you

all for listning i am going to be posting pictures on my jurnal on

aol tomarrow i will send link if i am

> alowed.. i dont know if this groups lets people send links.

>

> ---------------------------------

> Cheap Talk? Check out Yahoo! Messenger's low PC-to-Phone call

rates.

>

November 29, 2006

Hi Tammy!!!

Welcome to the group and congratulatios on your surgery date!!!

Please come back online and let us know how you are doing.

Hugs!!!