new here

[Guest guest]

Hi and Welcome!

Lifelong struggle -- probably. Hope for the future -- definitely. Have you

read the book " Stop Walking on Eggshells " ? If you haven't, you need to get it

and read it. Your husband should do. Others on the board will also have words

of encouragement for your. The biggest struggle I see for you (besides your

daughter) is your husband. Men . . . they're such trouble! The two of you

really need to be a team in dealing with your daughter. But even if you can't

be a team, SWOE can be a help to you in putting up boundaries. For me

personally, counseling has also helped in dealing with the issues of having an

udbp ex-wife (my husband's) and a BP stepdaughter.

You will find lots of support, a shoulder to cry on, and a willing, listening

ear here on the boards!

Kelley C.

twinpinesj twinpinesjll@...> wrote:

I am new to this message board. My daughter 22 yrs old has BP. They

have her on a lot of meds. Depekote for a mood stabilizer, Geodon, and

zoloft. My husband caters to her and is her knight in shining armor. We

have a more volatile relationship. On minute she loves me and the next

she hates me. We pay for everything. I think this must stop but my

husband wont. BP makes my daughter a very selfish, manipulative person.

I am looking for messages of hope here but it looks like this may be a

life long struggle. If so, Im not sure I can handle it.

People joining this list must read the guidelines and agree to them before

posting. Send questions or concerns to WelcomeToOz-owner . " Stop

Walking on Eggshells " , a primer for non-BPs, and " Hope for Parents: Helping Your

Borderline Son or Daughter Without Sacrificing Your Family Or Yourself " can be

ordered via 1-888-35-SHELL (). For table of contents, go to

http://www.BPDCentral.com

[Guest guest]

Hi, Twin

And welcome to the group. Your situation sounds very similar to my own just

a year + ago.

My daughter would play her " understanding and loving " father against me, who

was being much too " strict " and unloving. What a song and dance she led us

on for too long. If I gave her something she wanted, I was wonderful. If I

told her she couldn't do something she wanted (self-destructive things like

alcoholic parties, etc.), then I was " yelling " (even though I never raised

my voice) and didn't " love " her.

Bp can be a lifelong problem, but there are others on this forum whose kids

have learned how to manage their thinking and actions and now lead a

somewhat normal life. It is also very common for bp's seem to make great

strides and then suddenly seem to lose it.

I think everyone on this forum will agree that bp manifests in our kids

making them very selfish and manipulative. Mine sure is that way.

Ours has been gone for a year or so now, and right now we're " okay " in her

life right now - because she's making positive strides like telling her

boyfriend he has to leave in 30 days if he doesn't get a job, and then

getting a full-time job for herself. But, I keep my fingers crossed because

I can't tell you how many jobs she's had and lots - surely easily in the two

digit figures!

I retain incredible hope for my daughter. I refuse to believe that she

cannot find the help she needs for her problems and my personal faith gives

me a great deal of strength and hope for the future, both hers and ours.

Although when you're in the midst of all the crap, it is very hard to even

decide if there is a light at the end of the tunnel, let me tell you that

many HAVE seen that light and are making their own personal strides towards

it.

Best to you,

Dot

[Guest guest]

In a message dated 8/30/2005 6:35:09 PM Eastern Standard Time,

twinpinesjll@... writes:

I think this must stop but my

husband wont. BP makes my daughter a very selfish, manipulative person.

I am looking for messages of hope here but it looks like this may be a

life long struggle. If so, Im not sure I can handle it.

Hello twinpines, and welcome. You will find very similar stories here and a

great wealth of support from all of us who are/have been there. My daughter

is 18 and there is hope. Ours is a success story. As a matter of fact, Mon.

eve we had a very long heart to heart. She hugged me, I told her I was glad to

" have her back " and that I missed her very much the past five years. My

daughter is not on any meds anymore. Her first and primary problem is that she

suffers genetically from depression. We were treating her w/zoloft for a while,

but it seemed to work in reverse. And I read too many horror stories about

children on zoloft.

Then some traumatic events triggered her disorders: PTSD, BP, eating

disorders, she is somewhat narcisstic and histrionic. Seems these disorders

just go

hand in hand once triggered. I suggest that you immediately get hold of the

book, Co-Dependent No More and I suggest your husband read it first. Also,

Stop Walking on Eggshells and the workbook.

This will be a life long struggle if you continue to enable your daughter

emotionally and financially. Besides eventually breaking the bank on your part,

it will put tremendous strains on your relationship with your husband. Your d

aughter is an adult and quite capable of managing her own life. You should be

done raising her. My daughter got this message when I let her back in our

home in April, made her sign a contract with me, she finished out high school

and graduated, works, we bought her a car and she maintains that herself plus

paying her own insurance. I keep a roof over her head as long as she follows

the rules or she faces the consequences. If you do not put an end to the

current situation now, trust me, it will never end. As long as you fend for

your

daughter, she will continue her bad behaviors because she knows mom and dad will

bail me out, take care of me. And she will pit each one of you against each

other to get her way. A local NAMI may be a good place to start. Are you

active in your local church? Maybe someone there may speak with you and your

husband. Feel free to vent here, you will get a lot of support here.

Good luck,

Debbie

[Guest guest]

I have 3 children. An older daughter,26. My BP daughter 22. And my son is

12. My son has shown signs of anxiety. My BP daughter is very impatient with

him and goes off on him. But he is better now that she lives in her own apt.

Yes, my daughter was hospitalized for the first time this winter. She signed

herself in . I was with her. She has mentioned suicide. My mother,s death was a

suicide so I have a GREAT fear of this. She knows this about me and my

husband says she will use this to push my buttons. But I take any threat of

suicide very seriously, manipulation or not. She was cutting herself this

winter.

That has stopped. Now she is into tatoos and piercings which I HATE! She is

absolutely beautiful. Tall blonde. Now she has short black hair with tatoos

and piercings. Of course she is still beautiful but it is different. She is

talented actress. Makes all As in college. But the last year has had to quit

acting and taking only 2 classes. Jobs come and go. Friendships dont last.

Especially boyfriends. Are medicines working? She says yes. We are trying a

new therapist. And are hopeful his cognitive behavioral therapy helps. And yes

I do go to NAMI. It is wonderful to not feel so all alone. Twin

[Guest guest]

Hi Twin,

You don't say if your daughter is receptive to the medications or how she is

doing. Was she hospitalized against her will?

I think that was the hardest period for us. Just coming to terms with the fact

she is manipulative is big!!!! Once your husband is on board with this, and the

two of you are on the same page, it becomes easier for you to manage.

As your daughter is 22, it is really her lifelong struggle and more for her to

handle. However, you and your husband help by being level, consistent, good

listeners (only when her behavior is appropriate) and by setting boundaries and

limitations of behaviors that are acceptable and not. Someone else mentioned

it, but a good place to start is " Stop Walking on Eggshells. " It's our bible!

It is our role as parents to segregate their behavior and lives from our own.

Sad, yes it is. Are our hopes, dreams and wishes for them destroyed? Yes, we

have all mourned the loss of children. But, there is hope and confirmation that

we as parents have done the best we can, that we did not cause their disease and

we cannot cure it. We (unfortunately) need to accept it as a disease.

Sometimes our bp's struggle with that and are not willing to believe anything is

different about them.

Watching them suffer and be unhappy is very sad. But it is sadder if we allow

them to stay in that state because we facilitate it!!!

Hopefully, you will read success stories on this web site as well as share in

the struggles of others.

Right now, my daughter, 21, semi-high functioning, appears to be in a good frame

of mind, even considering she was in a car accident recently and I don't know

how she is managing to pay for her apartment on her own. She and her boyfriend

live apart and are raising their daughter. We have a great phone

relationship!!! It didn't go as well when she moved back in with us for a brief

period of time.

It appears your daughter is not functioning well right now. Was she always like

this?

I, too, have received maybe one telephone call and/or card in the past 14 years

from my daughter when it's my birthday or mother's day. I don't expect it.

I've learned not to set expectations at all for Dena; that way, I'm not

disappointed. Sad, yes, that I don't feel I have the relationship with her that

I feel others have with their daughters. But it is not something I am capable

of changing, so I do the best I can. BPs cannot hold jobs (Dena is starting

another new job -- the last one she barely held for 6 months; the one before

that almost a year -- she was almost eligible for medical insurance) nor are

they good at relationships.

Do you have any other children? Ages? What are they like, what is your

relationship like with them. I know it sounds heartless, but sometimes the best

thing you can do for the rest of your family is take care of them and yourself

so you are happy and healthy.

Many blessings to you,

Carol

-------------- Original message --------------

> I am new to this message board. My daughter 22 yrs old has BP. They

> have her on a lot of meds. Depekote for a mood stabilizer, Geodon, and

> zoloft. My husband caters to her and is her knight in shining armor. We

> have a more volatile relationship. On minute she loves me and the next

> she hates me. We pay for everything. I think this must stop but my

> husband wont. BP makes my daughter a very selfish, manipulative person.

> I am looking for messages of hope here but it looks like this may be a

> life long struggle. If so, Im not sure I can handle it.

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

> People joining this list must read the guidelines and agree to them before

> posting. Send questions or concerns to WelcomeToOz-owner .

" Stop

> Walking on Eggshells " , a primer for non-BPs, and " Hope for Parents: Helping

Your

> Borderline Son or Daughter Without Sacrificing Your Family Or Yourself " can be

> ordered via 1-888-35-SHELL (). For table of contents, go to

> http://www.BPDCentral.com

>

[Guest guest]

Deat Twin,

My daughter, 18, has had similar problems. She does not rage, but

has cut herself, attempted suicide four times, abused alcohol and

drugs, and been in hospitals numerous times. She also takes four

medications.

It might sound like she is in a terrible place -- but actually, she

has improved greatly and is doing so well for the past six months,

we are overjoyed with her progress. I believe that bpd is not

necessarily a life sentence of dreadful problems. Your daughter

obviously wants help, and if she signed herself in for treatment, is

making an effort in some ways. I agree that if your husband is a

rescuer, he is doing her a disservice that will only encourage her

bp behavior. Perhaps he lived in this type of environment growing up?

My daughter also is a gorgeous blonde who has tattoos and some

piercings. Her hair is now short and dyed as well. If you look

around, you will see that many, many young people do this and

tattoos are so commonplace that it is widely accepted. I dislike

them also, but try to accept her for herself and love her even

though we are different.

If your daughter is taking her meds, good for her. I think a really

good therapist could do wonders. Do you have DBT in your area?

Carolyn

> I have 3 children. An older daughter,26. My BP daughter 22. And

my son is

> 12. My son has shown signs of anxiety. My BP daughter is very

impatient with

> him and goes off on him. But he is better now that she lives in

her own apt.

> Yes, my daughter was hospitalized for the first time this winter.

She signed

> herself in . I was with her. She has mentioned suicide. My

mother,s death was a

> suicide so I have a GREAT fear of this. She knows this about me

and my

> husband says she will use this to push my buttons. But I take any

threat of

> suicide very seriously, manipulation or not. She was cutting

herself this winter.

> That has stopped. Now she is into tatoos and piercings which I

HATE! She is

> absolutely beautiful. Tall blonde. Now she has short black hair

with tatoos

> and piercings. Of course she is still beautiful but it is

different. She is

> talented actress. Makes all As in college. But the last year has

had to quit

> acting and taking only 2 classes. Jobs come and go. Friendships

dont last.

> Especially boyfriends. Are medicines working? She says yes.

We are trying a

> new therapist. And are hopeful his cognitive behavioral therapy

helps. And yes

> I do go to NAMI. It is wonderful to not feel so all alone.

Twin

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

Twin, Carolyn,

My daughter used to be beautiful, too. I believe beauty comes from within --

and she appears very unhappy sometimes -- doesn't smile much, face looks blank,

plain now.

She pierced her belly button and most recently her tongue. But I noticed the

tongue " earring " is out -- guess she was having trouble with it.

She says she doesn't smoke anymore. Who knows. She says it's gross. I hope

she means it. I think she still smokes " weed, "

She doesn't eat healthy -- loves drinks with caffeine and sugar.

I believe diet has a lot to do with your moods, and certainly can't help if you

already have a chemical imbalance. We love whole foods -- she called them

" yucky. " I received pleasure correcting her that actually her foods that are

grown with chemicals were the " yucky " ones!

Carol

-------------- Original message --------------

> Deat Twin,

>

> My daughter, 18, has had similar problems. She does not rage, but

> has cut herself, attempted suicide four times, abused alcohol and

> drugs, and been in hospitals numerous times. She also takes four

> medications.

>

> It might sound like she is in a terrible place -- but actually, she

> has improved greatly and is doing so well for the past six months,

> we are overjoyed with her progress. I believe that bpd is not

> necessarily a life sentence of dreadful problems. Your daughter

> obviously wants help, and if she signed herself in for treatment, is

> making an effort in some ways. I agree that if your husband is a

> rescuer, he is doing her a disservice that will only encourage her

> bp behavior. Perhaps he lived in this type of environment growing up?

>

> My daughter also is a gorgeous blonde who has tattoos and some

> piercings. Her hair is now short and dyed as well. If you look

> around, you will see that many, many young people do this and

> tattoos are so commonplace that it is widely accepted. I dislike

> them also, but try to accept her for herself and love her even

> though we are different.

>

> If your daughter is taking her meds, good for her. I think a really

> good therapist could do wonders. Do you have DBT in your area?

>

> Carolyn

>

>

> > I have 3 children. An older daughter,26. My BP daughter 22. And

> my son is

> > 12. My son has shown signs of anxiety. My BP daughter is very

> impatient with

> > him and goes off on him. But he is better now that she lives in

> her own apt.

> > Yes, my daughter was hospitalized for the first time this winter.

> She signed

> > herself in . I was with her. She has mentioned suicide. My

> mother,s death was a

> > suicide so I have a GREAT fear of this. She knows this about me

> and my

> > husband says she will use this to push my buttons. But I take any

> threat of

> > suicide very seriously, manipulation or not. She was cutting

> herself this winter.

> > That has stopped. Now she is into tatoos and piercings which I

> HATE! She is

> > absolutely beautiful. Tall blonde. Now she has short black hair

> with tatoos

> > and piercings. Of course she is still beautiful but it is

> different. She is

> > talented actress. Makes all As in college. But the last year has

> had to quit

> > acting and taking only 2 classes. Jobs come and go. Friendships

> dont last.

> > Especially boyfriends. Are medicines working? She says yes.

> We are trying a

> > new therapist. And are hopeful his cognitive behavioral therapy

> helps. And yes

> > I do go to NAMI. It is wonderful to not feel so all alone.

> Twin

> >

> >

> >

[Guest guest]

my names kay and im 25 yrs old

i had gastric bypass surgery just over 5 weeks ago

feeling ok sometimes its difficult to keep food down but been told

thats pretty normal

going for my first weighing since surgery on thurday the 30 of november

just hope its all be worth it

its nice to know theres a place i can go to and talk bout myself

without wondering what other people think of me been the size i am

[Guest guest]

congrats to you KIm, you have done a wonderful job not only with your decision

but it seems your dedication to helping others will go along way too.

[Guest guest]

--- KIM congrads on your weight loss. those kids are blessed to have

you in there life,, losing this weight you can offer much more active

wise,, but heart wise it sounds like you got a big one there .. nice

meeting you.. c ya donna In GastricBypass-LOSERS ,

emtlock@... wrote:

>

>

> Greetings All -=-

> My name is Kim and I'm from Ventura CA. I do see that you have a

few other

> Kim's onboard so I'll have to find a unique signature.

>

> My LAP RNY was 11/22/06 at Cedars in LA. I went yesterday for my 1

mo check

> [a week early] and so far my lose is 34lbs. No complications so

far, [except

> for the mental changes of wanting to eat as pre-surgery.]

>

> I'm very excited about having the procedure and look forward to

the results.

> For 18 years I have run sub-acute nursing homes for diabled kids

and have

> put all my life on the line for them. It is nice to know that with

this surgery

> I can continue this work without the complications of diabetes and

> hypertension. My wife of 30 years and I have cared for over 380

kids and adopted 4 of

> them along with our own 4. It will be nice to have time for the 8

other

> grandkids also. We still have 2 special needs kids age 11 at home.

This past

> February we lost our 2-1/2 year old to pnemonia. These kids are

great motivators!

>

> It is nice to graduate from luker to participant, hope I can offer

my 2

> cents worth as time progresses. At the doctor's office yesterday it

was nice to

> talk with pre-op patients and offer some words of encouragement and

wisdom ad

> one who is only 3 weeks out, but feeling like an old hand.

>

> So by the numbers:

> The highest weight had been 375

> " Official " Starting Pre-Op Weight was 348

> 6'2 "

> MALE - 53 years old

>

> TAKE CARE

> From the Left

> KIM in Ventura, CA

> LAP-RNY 11/22/06 at Cedars LA

> 348/314/170

>

>

> Emma^^s story

> _http://journals.aol.com/emtlock/SweetBabyEmma/_

> (http://journals.aol.com/emtlock/SweetBabyEmma/)

> Elena's Story:

> http://www.magicfoundation.org/www/docs/110.123/

>

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

Welcome Kim,Nice to meet you!

So sorry about the loss of your child.

Look forward to hearing more from you.

(Another Kim - in PA)

Kim

RNY 6/23/06

298/206/135

>

>

> Greetings All -=-

> My name is Kim and I'm from Ventura CA. I do see that you have a

few other

> Kim's onboard so I'll have to find a unique signature.

>

> My LAP RNY was 11/22/06 at Cedars in LA. I went yesterday for my 1

mo check

> [a week early] and so far my lose is 34lbs. No complications so

far, [except

> for the mental changes of wanting to eat as pre-surgery.]

>

> I'm very excited about having the procedure and look forward to

the results.

> For 18 years I have run sub-acute nursing homes for diabled kids

and have

> put all my life on the line for them. It is nice to know that with

this surgery

> I can continue this work without the complications of diabetes

and

> hypertension. My wife of 30 years and I have cared for over 380

kids and adopted 4 of

> them along with our own 4. It will be nice to have time for the 8

other

> grandkids also. We still have 2 special needs kids age 11 at home.

This past

> February we lost our 2-1/2 year old to pnemonia. These kids are

great motivators!

>

> It is nice to graduate from luker to participant, hope I can offer

my 2

> cents worth as time progresses. At the doctor's office yesterday

it was nice to

> talk with pre-op patients and offer some words of encouragement

and wisdom ad

> one who is only 3 weeks out, but feeling like an old hand.

>

> So by the numbers:

> The highest weight had been 375

> " Official " Starting Pre-Op Weight was 348

> 6'2 "

> MALE - 53 years old

>

> TAKE CARE

> From the Left

> KIM in Ventura, CA

> LAP-RNY 11/22/06 at Cedars LA

> 348/314/170

>

>

> Emma^^s story

> _http://journals.aol.com/emtlock/SweetBabyEmma/_

> (http://journals.aol.com/emtlock/SweetBabyEmma/)

> Elena's Story:

> http://www.magicfoundation.org/www/docs/110.123/

>

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

Hi Tina,

Welcome to our group. You will like it....I do. Hopefully your meds will kick in

soon.

Hugs,

/Mi

New here

Hi! I just joined today. I have only been diagnosed with fibro for a

week and a half, but have been hurting for years. I am 30 years old and

live in Eugene Oregon with mt husband and our 2 dogs.

Being diagnosed has made our lives really hard. I am currently out of

work and I have little to no energy. My dr started me on neuortin and

celexa to start. I know they both take awhile to kick in, but I find

myself sleeping less and have trouble going to sleep since I started

taking them. I have always had trouble falling asleep, but it just

seems worse.

Thanks for being here,

Tina

[Guest guest]

Hi Tina,

I'm new too, I just posted my long intro:) It took me a few years to

really get into the right treatment but the day will come! I do

suggest something, see if your insurance will cover a trip to a

physical therapist. I went right away after diagnosis thru my

rhuematologist and it helped not only reafirm the diagnosis (there was

pain even after the strengthening) but it also showed me what muscles

were weak and if strengthed help lessen my pain. Just an idea to

throw out there.I know I have less back and knee pain when I keep up

with the very simple exercises.

Things always get better! And there is help and relief in unexpected

places!