Guest guest Posted May 16, 2004 Report Share Posted May 16, 2004 Hi , Man .....what is it with Doctors lately? Have you been trying to call her to schedule an appt? and she just doesn't return your call? Do you feel that you have a good rapport with your therapist when you DO get to see her. Do come away feeling better after you have a session with her? I f the answer to these questions is NO.....then I would say start looking for a New one.......though I know it takes a long time to feel comfortable with a new therapist enough to share your most intimate feelings.....and that's what you need right now.....someone to listen to your fears and depression .....In the meantime you know we are here as always ....and will always listen and give support ..... What do you think? Dear Lupie Members, I just want everyone's advice on what I should do about my therapist. I haven't been in to see my therapist since March of this year and that's why I've been babbling so much on this list. I had no one else to talk about my problems too. Apparently she's been so busy that she hasn't been able to call me back to schedule an appointment. I don't want there to be any hard feelings or anything, but I'm wondering what should I do about this? I really feel that I'm not getting the help that I so need from this therapist and I would like to find another one who actually cares about my well being. Am I wrong for wanting to find another therapist instead of sticking it out with my current one? -."The LUPIES Store" Come check out our store...http://www.cafepress.com/thelupies"The LUPIES Web Page"http://www.itzarion.com/lupusgroup.html"The LUPIES online photo albums!" Check out what your fellow Lupies look like...http://www.picturetrail.com/lupies Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted May 24, 2006 Report Share Posted May 24, 2006 We have grounded bpd from the phone, email, outings with friends, etc. due to that really bad breach of trust. We are also trying to get her to get a job. Not really motivated to get job, so we decided that she could earn the phone for an evening if she got up and worked hard to find a job today. She was up, ready and had all applications ready to drop off AN HOUR EARLY! She had to wait for me at a dr appt for a very long time (new chiropractor) and had a really good attitude the whole day. She turned in her applications and fill out a few more. I am so pleased and so is she. So she gets to use the phone this evening! Sometimes all we need is the right carrot. I wish this would work all the time! Do you think this was a good idea? Toni Deborah minamimuki2004@...> wrote: You're having a hard time, but personally I like your choices: eat what you like when everyone's done but clean up, clothing is fine as along as pertinent skin is covered and you can breathe, ignore the mascara, and letting her room go until she has ants. (Since she's had an unfortunate incident, I wouldn't do the reward system too soon.) And you're gearing up for DBT. Go for it! Cheering and hanging out banners, Deborah > She is trying to freak us out with her clothing > choices. However, we decided when she was young to > stay out of the clothing battle as long as all > pertinant skin was covered and she could breath. But > I have begun to hate black! And the eye makeup! The > Egyptians could take lessons from her in eyeliner!! > EEEKKK!! As a former skin care consultant, I am > creating more scars on my tongue trying to keep my > mouth shut. So far, all I've said is " I don't think > you'll be able to get a job with that makeup. " > Sheesh! > > Gotta laugh or we'll all be on the wrong side of > the grass. . . . > Toni > > bosoxfan199@... wrote: > Toni, > > I was where you're at. You still have your beliefs > -- and it's ok to let your daughter know that. > Eventually, she'll turn around. > > Is she going to counseling. You may need help > getting her to school. Perhaps that's one of the > arrangements in the contract. I had to go to school, > get an IED plan for my daughter to keep her there as > she was cutting classes and never coming home. She > did graduate from high school but did not go on to > college. During the period she was in the hospital > and transitioning, she was tutored. > > Carol > > > --------- Re: DBT? > > > > > > Toni, > > > > I will be happy to send you the handout though I > do not think it will be > > very useful in your situation. It is just the > outline of main principles. I > > have not read the book but I can see how she could > have received such > > advice. Would one day of missing school be so bad? > We all feel the need to > > goof off once in a while. I think the important > point is that it is just a > > once in a while and the persistent pattern (of > staying in bed) is getting > > modified and overcome in the long run. > > I myself have been depressed most of my adult > life. It was dysthimya; I > > never had any treatment except what I had devised > myself. I also never > > skipped a day of work because of it or stayed in > bed when I was a housewife > > with a family to care for. Anyway - I realized > just recently that long after > > my depression went to remmission (with the onset > of the menopause) and when > > I was living by myself again I had a really hard > time getting up in the > > morning. I was solving it by reading in bed and > sometimes I did not get up > > untill noon. > > What I am trying to say is that was ingrained > behaviors are very hard to > > break. It does take an conscious effort and even > then one does not succeed > > all the time. It is also important not to beat > oneself over the head when > > the slips occur - it actually makes the situation > worse. > > Good luck to you, Toni. > > > > Milena > > > > " Toni.Potterton " wrote: > > Hello Milena, > > I am in England with a BP daughter and I don't > often post but I read this > > log every day. It has been the only thing I have > had to hang onto in times > > of challenge. The advice and suggestions have been > invaluable in keeping me > > sane over the years. > > > > I hope you don't mind me asking but I would love > to see a copy of the notes > > on BP you got at the lecture. My daughter is 3/4 > way thru DBT and it is > > quite frustrating in some ways . She has > definitely improved (good) but she > > has new techniques to confuse me with (bad) > Yesterday she refused to get up > > and go to college and when I went thru my usual > review of the contract and > === message truncated === __________________________________________________ Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted May 24, 2006 Report Share Posted May 24, 2006 Toni, It's probably a good carrot, but I'd personally be doing the dialing and also picking up the phone when it rings to make sure I know who she is talking to. Some people would be blacklisted, or on a time limit. I hope this works for you! When our daughter was not to be trusted, we had a " line in use " light (we have actually had that for a longer time than that). When we were on high alert with her, any time the line in use light was on I'd pick up the phone and greet whoever was on it. Then I'd know who she was talking to. When guys would call, I'd answer and ask how they made her acquaintance and why they thought I should put them through to her, etc. She didn't particularly like this, but it kept a fence of protection around her and she didn't have as much opportunity to harm herself as she otherwise would have. It was work, though, and I promise you that I had to deal with her wrath about this! However, I got to a point where I just didn't care. I was going to do what was right no matter whether she liked it or not. Helen _____ From: WTOParentsOfBPs [mailto:WTOParentsOfBPs ] On Behalf Of Toni P Sent: Wednesday, May 24, 2006 7:21 PM To: WTOParentsOfBPs Subject: Re: What do you think? We have grounded bpd from the phone, email, outings with friends, etc. due to that really bad breach of trust. We are also trying to get her to get a job. Not really motivated to get job, so we decided that she could earn the phone for an evening if she got up and worked hard to find a job today. She was up, ready and had all applications ready to drop off AN HOUR EARLY! She had to wait for me at a dr appt for a very long time (new chiropractor) and had a really good attitude the whole day. She turned in her applications and fill out a few more. I am so pleased and so is she. So she gets to use the phone this evening! Sometimes all we need is the right carrot. I wish this would work all the time! Do you think this was a good idea? Toni Deborah minamimuki2004@...> wrote: You're having a hard time, but personally I like your choices: eat what you like when everyone's done but clean up, clothing is fine as along as pertinent skin is covered and you can breathe, ignore the mascara, and letting her room go until she has ants. (Since she's had an unfortunate incident, I wouldn't do the reward system too soon.) And you're gearing up for DBT. Go for it! Cheering and hanging out banners, Deborah > She is trying to freak us out with her clothing > choices. However, we decided when she was young to > stay out of the clothing battle as long as all > pertinant skin was covered and she could breath. But > I have begun to hate black! And the eye makeup! The > Egyptians could take lessons from her in eyeliner!! > EEEKKK!! As a former skin care consultant, I am > creating more scars on my tongue trying to keep my > mouth shut. So far, all I've said is " I don't think > you'll be able to get a job with that makeup. " > Sheesh! > > Gotta laugh or we'll all be on the wrong side of > the grass. . . . > Toni > > bosoxfan199@... wrote: > Toni, > > I was where you're at. You still have your beliefs > -- and it's ok to let your daughter know that. > Eventually, she'll turn around. > > Is she going to counseling. You may need help > getting her to school. Perhaps that's one of the > arrangements in the contract. I had to go to school, > get an IED plan for my daughter to keep her there as > she was cutting classes and never coming home. She > did graduate from high school but did not go on to > college. During the period she was in the hospital > and transitioning, she was tutored. > > Carol > > > --------- Re: DBT? > > > > > > Toni, > > > > I will be happy to send you the handout though I > do not think it will be > > very useful in your situation. It is just the > outline of main principles. I > > have not read the book but I can see how she could > have received such > > advice. Would one day of missing school be so bad? > We all feel the need to > > goof off once in a while. I think the important > point is that it is just a > > once in a while and the persistent pattern (of > staying in bed) is getting > > modified and overcome in the long run. > > I myself have been depressed most of my adult > life. It was dysthimya; I > > never had any treatment except what I had devised > myself. I also never > > skipped a day of work because of it or stayed in > bed when I was a housewife > > with a family to care for. Anyway - I realized > just recently that long after > > my depression went to remmission (with the onset > of the menopause) and when > > I was living by myself again I had a really hard > time getting up in the > > morning. I was solving it by reading in bed and > sometimes I did not get up > > untill noon. > > What I am trying to say is that was ingrained > behaviors are very hard to > > break. It does take an conscious effort and even > then one does not succeed > > all the time. It is also important not to beat > oneself over the head when > > the slips occur - it actually makes the situation > worse. > > Good luck to you, Toni. > > > > Milena > > > > " Toni.Potterton " wrote: > > Hello Milena, > > I am in England with a BP daughter and I don't > often post but I read this > > log every day. It has been the only thing I have > had to hang onto in times > > of challenge. The advice and suggestions have been > invaluable in keeping me > > sane over the years. > > > > I hope you don't mind me asking but I would love > to see a copy of the notes > > on BP you got at the lecture. My daughter is 3/4 > way thru DBT and it is > > quite frustrating in some ways . She has > definitely improved (good) but she > > has new techniques to confuse me with (bad) > Yesterday she refused to get up > > and go to college and when I went thru my usual > review of the contract and > === message truncated === __________________________________________________ Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted May 24, 2006 Report Share Posted May 24, 2006 Hi Toni, That's interesting and it's interesting that it worked. I'm wondering if she might also be responding to the strict way you're dealing with her. In other words, she was feeling (in her own bpd way) that the restrictions made her feel safe and loved so she was responding positively to the chance to use the phone and maybe make you happier with her. Does this make any sense? I think it's more about the timing than the carrot itself. When I've managed to be strict about something, my daughter will often soften her tone and be more willing to be cooperative. I'm not real sure about the how or why of that which is why I can't be more helpful to you. Watch out for any demands that something she has done has GOT to be worth a reward, so fork it out, please. Make sure it is you who makes the offer and sets the conditions. But it sounds good so far! Deborah --- Toni P hephzeba2001@...> wrote: > We have grounded bpd from the phone, email, outings > with friends, etc. due to that really bad breach of > trust. We are also trying to get her to get a job. > Not really motivated to get job, so we decided that > she could earn the phone for an evening if she got > up and worked hard to find a job today. > > She was up, ready and had all applications ready > to drop off AN HOUR EARLY! She had to wait for me at > a dr appt for a very long time (new chiropractor) > and had a really good attitude the whole day. She > turned in her applications and fill out a few more. > I am so pleased and so is she. > > So she gets to use the phone this evening! > > Sometimes all we need is the right carrot. I wish > this would work all the time! > > Do you think this was a good idea? > > Toni > > Deborah minamimuki2004@...> wrote: > You're having a hard time, but personally I like > your > choices: eat what you like when everyone's done but > clean up, clothing is fine as along as pertinent > skin > is covered and you can breathe, ignore the mascara, > and letting her room go until she has ants. (Since > she's had an unfortunate incident, I wouldn't do the > reward system too soon.) And you're gearing up for > DBT. Go for it! > > Cheering and hanging out banners, > Deborah > > > She is trying to freak us out with her clothing > > choices. However, we decided when she was young to > > stay out of the clothing battle as long as all > > pertinant skin was covered and she could breath. > But > > I have begun to hate black! And the eye makeup! > The > > Egyptians could take lessons from her in > eyeliner!! > > EEEKKK!! As a former skin care consultant, I am > > creating more scars on my tongue trying to keep my > > mouth shut. So far, all I've said is " I don't > think > > you'll be able to get a job with that makeup. " > > Sheesh! > > > > Gotta laugh or we'll all be on the wrong side of > > the grass. . . . > > Toni > > > > bosoxfan199@... wrote: > > Toni, > > > > I was where you're at. You still have your beliefs > > -- and it's ok to let your daughter know that. > > Eventually, she'll turn around. > > > > Is she going to counseling. You may need help > > getting her to school. Perhaps that's one of the > > arrangements in the contract. I had to go to > school, > > get an IED plan for my daughter to keep her there > as > > she was cutting classes and never coming home. She > > did graduate from high school but did not go on to > > college. During the period she was in the hospital > > and transitioning, she was tutored. > > > > Carol > > > > > > --------- Re: DBT? > > > > > > > > > Toni, > > > > > > I will be happy to send you the handout though I > > do not think it will be > > > very useful in your situation. It is just the > > outline of main principles. I > > > have not read the book but I can see how she > could > > have received such > > > advice. Would one day of missing school be so > bad? > > We all feel the need to > > > goof off once in a while. I think the important > > point is that it is just a > > > once in a while and the persistent pattern (of > > staying in bed) is getting > > > modified and overcome in the long run. > > > I myself have been depressed most of my adult > > life. It was dysthimya; I > > > never had any treatment except what I had > devised > > myself. I also never > > > skipped a day of work because of it or stayed in > === message truncated === __________________________________________________ Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted May 25, 2006 Report Share Posted May 25, 2006 In a message dated 5/25/2006 12:19:54 PM Eastern Standard Time, somalitamale@... writes: So she gets to use the phone this evening! Sometimes all we need is the right carrot. I wish this would work all the time! Do you think this was a good idea? Toni It was a GREAT idea Toni! Keep up the incentives for her to behave! DebbieL Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted May 25, 2006 Report Share Posted May 25, 2006 That's great, whatever works use it. It doesn't always, but as long as you know that, you'll figure out another ploy. It keeps us on our toes, no time for rest.... Well there is eventually, you see all the good news from Debbie L. and my daughter is doing pretty well too. Toni P hephzeba2001@...> wrote:We have grounded bpd from the phone, email, outings with friends, etc. due to that really bad breach of trust. We are also trying to get her to get a job. Not really motivated to get job, so we decided that she could earn the phone for an evening if she got up and worked hard to find a job today. She was up, ready and had all applications ready to drop off AN HOUR EARLY! She had to wait for me at a dr appt for a very long time (new chiropractor) and had a really good attitude the whole day. She turned in her applications and fill out a few more. I am so pleased and so is she. So she gets to use the phone this evening! Sometimes all we need is the right carrot. I wish this would work all the time! Do you think this was a good idea? Toni Deborah minamimuki2004@...> wrote: You're having a hard time, but personally I like your choices: eat what you like when everyone's done but clean up, clothing is fine as along as pertinent skin is covered and you can breathe, ignore the mascara, and letting her room go until she has ants. (Since she's had an unfortunate incident, I wouldn't do the reward system too soon.) And you're gearing up for DBT. Go for it! Cheering and hanging out banners, Deborah > She is trying to freak us out with her clothing > choices. However, we decided when she was young to > stay out of the clothing battle as long as all > pertinant skin was covered and she could breath. But > I have begun to hate black! And the eye makeup! The > Egyptians could take lessons from her in eyeliner!! > EEEKKK!! As a former skin care consultant, I am > creating more scars on my tongue trying to keep my > mouth shut. So far, all I've said is " I don't think > you'll be able to get a job with that makeup. " > Sheesh! > > Gotta laugh or we'll all be on the wrong side of > the grass. . . . > Toni > > bosoxfan199@... wrote: > Toni, > > I was where you're at. You still have your beliefs > -- and it's ok to let your daughter know that. > Eventually, she'll turn around. > > Is she going to counseling. You may need help > getting her to school. Perhaps that's one of the > arrangements in the contract. I had to go to school, > get an IED plan for my daughter to keep her there as > she was cutting classes and never coming home. She > did graduate from high school but did not go on to > college. During the period she was in the hospital > and transitioning, she was tutored. > > Carol > > > --------- Re: DBT? > > > > > > Toni, > > > > I will be happy to send you the handout though I > do not think it will be > > very useful in your situation. It is just the > outline of main principles. I > > have not read the book but I can see how she could > have received such > > advice. Would one day of missing school be so bad? > We all feel the need to > > goof off once in a while. I think the important > point is that it is just a > > once in a while and the persistent pattern (of > staying in bed) is getting > > modified and overcome in the long run. > > I myself have been depressed most of my adult > life. It was dysthimya; I > > never had any treatment except what I had devised > myself. I also never > > skipped a day of work because of it or stayed in > bed when I was a housewife > > with a family to care for. Anyway - I realized > just recently that long after > > my depression went to remmission (with the onset > of the menopause) and when > > I was living by myself again I had a really hard > time getting up in the > > morning. I was solving it by reading in bed and > sometimes I did not get up > > untill noon. > > What I am trying to say is that was ingrained > behaviors are very hard to > > break. It does take an conscious effort and even > then one does not succeed > > all the time. It is also important not to beat > oneself over the head when > > the slips occur - it actually makes the situation > worse. > > Good luck to you, Toni. > > > > Milena > > > > " Toni.Potterton " wrote: > > Hello Milena, > > I am in England with a BP daughter and I don't > often post but I read this > > log every day. It has been the only thing I have > had to hang onto in times > > of challenge. The advice and suggestions have been > invaluable in keeping me > > sane over the years. > > > > I hope you don't mind me asking but I would love > to see a copy of the notes > > on BP you got at the lecture. My daughter is 3/4 > way thru DBT and it is > > quite frustrating in some ways . She has > definitely improved (good) but she > > has new techniques to confuse me with (bad) > Yesterday she refused to get up > > and go to college and when I went thru my usual > review of the contract and > === message truncated === __________________________________________________ Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted May 25, 2006 Report Share Posted May 25, 2006 That's great, whatever works use it. It doesn't always, but as long as you know that, you'll figure out another ploy. It keeps us on our toes, no time for rest.... Well there is eventually, you see all the good news from Debbie L. and my daughter is doing pretty well too. Toni P hephzeba2001@...> wrote:We have grounded bpd from the phone, email, outings with friends, etc. due to that really bad breach of trust. We are also trying to get her to get a job. Not really motivated to get job, so we decided that she could earn the phone for an evening if she got up and worked hard to find a job today. She was up, ready and had all applications ready to drop off AN HOUR EARLY! She had to wait for me at a dr appt for a very long time (new chiropractor) and had a really good attitude the whole day. She turned in her applications and fill out a few more. I am so pleased and so is she. So she gets to use the phone this evening! Sometimes all we need is the right carrot. I wish this would work all the time! Do you think this was a good idea? Toni Deborah minamimuki2004@...> wrote: You're having a hard time, but personally I like your choices: eat what you like when everyone's done but clean up, clothing is fine as along as pertinent skin is covered and you can breathe, ignore the mascara, and letting her room go until she has ants. (Since she's had an unfortunate incident, I wouldn't do the reward system too soon.) And you're gearing up for DBT. Go for it! Cheering and hanging out banners, Deborah > She is trying to freak us out with her clothing > choices. However, we decided when she was young to > stay out of the clothing battle as long as all > pertinant skin was covered and she could breath. But > I have begun to hate black! And the eye makeup! The > Egyptians could take lessons from her in eyeliner!! > EEEKKK!! As a former skin care consultant, I am > creating more scars on my tongue trying to keep my > mouth shut. So far, all I've said is " I don't think > you'll be able to get a job with that makeup. " > Sheesh! > > Gotta laugh or we'll all be on the wrong side of > the grass. . . . > Toni > > bosoxfan199@... wrote: > Toni, > > I was where you're at. You still have your beliefs > -- and it's ok to let your daughter know that. > Eventually, she'll turn around. > > Is she going to counseling. You may need help > getting her to school. Perhaps that's one of the > arrangements in the contract. I had to go to school, > get an IED plan for my daughter to keep her there as > she was cutting classes and never coming home. She > did graduate from high school but did not go on to > college. During the period she was in the hospital > and transitioning, she was tutored. > > Carol > > > --------- Re: DBT? > > > > > > Toni, > > > > I will be happy to send you the handout though I > do not think it will be > > very useful in your situation. It is just the > outline of main principles. I > > have not read the book but I can see how she could > have received such > > advice. Would one day of missing school be so bad? > We all feel the need to > > goof off once in a while. I think the important > point is that it is just a > > once in a while and the persistent pattern (of > staying in bed) is getting > > modified and overcome in the long run. > > I myself have been depressed most of my adult > life. It was dysthimya; I > > never had any treatment except what I had devised > myself. I also never > > skipped a day of work because of it or stayed in > bed when I was a housewife > > with a family to care for. Anyway - I realized > just recently that long after > > my depression went to remmission (with the onset > of the menopause) and when > > I was living by myself again I had a really hard > time getting up in the > > morning. I was solving it by reading in bed and > sometimes I did not get up > > untill noon. > > What I am trying to say is that was ingrained > behaviors are very hard to > > break. It does take an conscious effort and even > then one does not succeed > > all the time. It is also important not to beat > oneself over the head when > > the slips occur - it actually makes the situation > worse. > > Good luck to you, Toni. > > > > Milena > > > > " Toni.Potterton " wrote: > > Hello Milena, > > I am in England with a BP daughter and I don't > often post but I read this > > log every day. It has been the only thing I have > had to hang onto in times > > of challenge. The advice and suggestions have been > invaluable in keeping me > > sane over the years. > > > > I hope you don't mind me asking but I would love > to see a copy of the notes > > on BP you got at the lecture. My daughter is 3/4 > way thru DBT and it is > > quite frustrating in some ways . She has > definitely improved (good) but she > > has new techniques to confuse me with (bad) > Yesterday she refused to get up > > and go to college and when I went thru my usual > review of the contract and > === message truncated === __________________________________________________ Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted May 25, 2006 Report Share Posted May 25, 2006 Good thought. I hadn't gotten that far. She didn't get any calls last night, and I think she only talked with one guy. This is a new guy for us (of course, not the one we caught her with on Saturday), and she wants us to meet him. We'll do that, to be sure, but not until after Memorial Day. Thanks for the advice. Since this carrot worked, we'll refine it and try it again as the opportunity presents itself. At least she got some application out!! Toni Helen Eby dheby@...> wrote: Toni, It's probably a good carrot, but I'd personally be doing the dialing and also picking up the phone when it rings to make sure I know who she is talking to. Some people would be blacklisted, or on a time limit. I hope this works for you! When our daughter was not to be trusted, we had a " line in use " light (we have actually had that for a longer time than that). When we were on high alert with her, any time the line in use light was on I'd pick up the phone and greet whoever was on it. Then I'd know who she was talking to. When guys would call, I'd answer and ask how they made her acquaintance and why they thought I should put them through to her, etc. She didn't particularly like this, but it kept a fence of protection around her and she didn't have as much opportunity to harm herself as she otherwise would have. It was work, though, and I promise you that I had to deal with her wrath about this! However, I got to a point where I just didn't care. I was going to do what was right no matter whether she liked it or not. Helen _____ From: WTOParentsOfBPs [mailto:WTOParentsOfBPs ] On Behalf Of Toni P Sent: Wednesday, May 24, 2006 7:21 PM To: WTOParentsOfBPs Subject: Re: What do you think? We have grounded bpd from the phone, email, outings with friends, etc. due to that really bad breach of trust. We are also trying to get her to get a job. Not really motivated to get job, so we decided that she could earn the phone for an evening if she got up and worked hard to find a job today. She was up, ready and had all applications ready to drop off AN HOUR EARLY! She had to wait for me at a dr appt for a very long time (new chiropractor) and had a really good attitude the whole day. She turned in her applications and fill out a few more. I am so pleased and so is she. So she gets to use the phone this evening! Sometimes all we need is the right carrot. I wish this would work all the time! Do you think this was a good idea? Toni Deborah minamimuki2004@...> wrote: You're having a hard time, but personally I like your choices: eat what you like when everyone's done but clean up, clothing is fine as along as pertinent skin is covered and you can breathe, ignore the mascara, and letting her room go until she has ants. (Since she's had an unfortunate incident, I wouldn't do the reward system too soon.) And you're gearing up for DBT. Go for it! Cheering and hanging out banners, Deborah > She is trying to freak us out with her clothing > choices. However, we decided when she was young to > stay out of the clothing battle as long as all > pertinant skin was covered and she could breath. But > I have begun to hate black! And the eye makeup! The > Egyptians could take lessons from her in eyeliner!! > EEEKKK!! As a former skin care consultant, I am > creating more scars on my tongue trying to keep my > mouth shut. So far, all I've said is " I don't think > you'll be able to get a job with that makeup. " > Sheesh! > > Gotta laugh or we'll all be on the wrong side of > the grass. . . . > Toni > > bosoxfan199@... wrote: > Toni, > > I was where you're at. You still have your beliefs > -- and it's ok to let your daughter know that. > Eventually, she'll turn around. > > Is she going to counseling. You may need help > getting her to school. Perhaps that's one of the > arrangements in the contract. I had to go to school, > get an IED plan for my daughter to keep her there as > she was cutting classes and never coming home. She > did graduate from high school but did not go on to > college. During the period she was in the hospital > and transitioning, she was tutored. > > Carol > > > --------- Re: DBT? > > > > > > Toni, > > > > I will be happy to send you the handout though I > do not think it will be > > very useful in your situation. It is just the > outline of main principles. I > > have not read the book but I can see how she could > have received such > > advice. Would one day of missing school be so bad? > We all feel the need to > > goof off once in a while. I think the important > point is that it is just a > > once in a while and the persistent pattern (of > staying in bed) is getting > > modified and overcome in the long run. > > I myself have been depressed most of my adult > life. It was dysthimya; I > > never had any treatment except what I had devised > myself. I also never > > skipped a day of work because of it or stayed in > bed when I was a housewife > > with a family to care for. Anyway - I realized > just recently that long after > > my depression went to remmission (with the onset > of the menopause) and when > > I was living by myself again I had a really hard > time getting up in the > > morning. I was solving it by reading in bed and > sometimes I did not get up > > untill noon. > > What I am trying to say is that was ingrained > behaviors are very hard to > > break. It does take an conscious effort and even > then one does not succeed > > all the time. It is also important not to beat > oneself over the head when > > the slips occur - it actually makes the situation > worse. > > Good luck to you, Toni. > > > > Milena > > > > " Toni.Potterton " wrote: > > Hello Milena, > > I am in England with a BP daughter and I don't > often post but I read this > > log every day. It has been the only thing I have > had to hang onto in times > > of challenge. The advice and suggestions have been > invaluable in keeping me > > sane over the years. > > > > I hope you don't mind me asking but I would love > to see a copy of the notes > > on BP you got at the lecture. My daughter is 3/4 > way thru DBT and it is > > quite frustrating in some ways . She has > definitely improved (good) but she > > has new techniques to confuse me with (bad) > Yesterday she refused to get up > > and go to college and when I went thru my usual > review of the contract and > === message truncated === __________________________________________________ Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted May 25, 2006 Report Share Posted May 25, 2006 DeboraL- I think you're on to something there about their response to our " strict " demands like you were talking about. My d seems to be the same way. She's more like a real person and really seems to be coming out of her shell. She watched " House " with me on Tues night after I coaxed her out of her room (she stormed in there talking about emancipation and then took a nap). We had fun and she then watched some History channel. Like a normal human being. After yesterday's work, she spent the evening watching " Gettysburg " , writing a story, and talking to this friend on the phone. This morning, she's finishing " Gettysburg " and talking back to the movie (we do this for fun, like heckling). She has to go to work with me today (just a couple of hours) then on to the T office. She just came in to me and rattled off all this stuff about battles and strategy and . . . and . . .OMG WHAT A MOTORMOUTH!!!!! I love it! I sure hope she keeps her horns in today and remains human. Perhaps it's the lack of her usual peers, she's shedding off their influence. Hmmmm. . . Sorrry, I do tend to go on. Toni Deborah minamimuki2004@...> wrote: Hi Toni, That's interesting and it's interesting that it worked. I'm wondering if she might also be responding to the strict way you're dealing with her. In other words, she was feeling (in her own bpd way) that the restrictions made her feel safe and loved so she was responding positively to the chance to use the phone and maybe make you happier with her. Does this make any sense? I think it's more about the timing than the carrot itself. When I've managed to be strict about something, my daughter will often soften her tone and be more willing to be cooperative. I'm not real sure about the how or why of that which is why I can't be more helpful to you. Watch out for any demands that something she has done has GOT to be worth a reward, so fork it out, please. Make sure it is you who makes the offer and sets the conditions. But it sounds good so far! Deborah --- Toni P hephzeba2001@...> wrote: > We have grounded bpd from the phone, email, outings > with friends, etc. due to that really bad breach of > trust. We are also trying to get her to get a job. > Not really motivated to get job, so we decided that > she could earn the phone for an evening if she got > up and worked hard to find a job today. > > She was up, ready and had all applications ready > to drop off AN HOUR EARLY! She had to wait for me at > a dr appt for a very long time (new chiropractor) > and had a really good attitude the whole day. She > turned in her applications and fill out a few more. > I am so pleased and so is she. > > So she gets to use the phone this evening! > > Sometimes all we need is the right carrot. I wish > this would work all the time! > > Do you think this was a good idea? > > Toni > > Deborah minamimuki2004@...> wrote: > You're having a hard time, but personally I like > your > choices: eat what you like when everyone's done but > clean up, clothing is fine as along as pertinent > skin > is covered and you can breathe, ignore the mascara, > and letting her room go until she has ants. (Since > she's had an unfortunate incident, I wouldn't do the > reward system too soon.) And you're gearing up for > DBT. Go for it! > > Cheering and hanging out banners, > Deborah > > > She is trying to freak us out with her clothing > > choices. However, we decided when she was young to > > stay out of the clothing battle as long as all > > pertinant skin was covered and she could breath. > But > > I have begun to hate black! And the eye makeup! > The > > Egyptians could take lessons from her in > eyeliner!! > > EEEKKK!! As a former skin care consultant, I am > > creating more scars on my tongue trying to keep my > > mouth shut. So far, all I've said is " I don't > think > > you'll be able to get a job with that makeup. " > > Sheesh! > > > > Gotta laugh or we'll all be on the wrong side of > > the grass. . . . > > Toni > > > > bosoxfan199@... wrote: > > Toni, > > > > I was where you're at. You still have your beliefs > > -- and it's ok to let your daughter know that. > > Eventually, she'll turn around. > > > > Is she going to counseling. You may need help > > getting her to school. Perhaps that's one of the > > arrangements in the contract. I had to go to > school, > > get an IED plan for my daughter to keep her there > as > > she was cutting classes and never coming home. She > > did graduate from high school but did not go on to > > college. During the period she was in the hospital > > and transitioning, she was tutored. > > > > Carol > > > > > > --------- Re: DBT? > > > > > > > > > Toni, > > > > > > I will be happy to send you the handout though I > > do not think it will be > > > very useful in your situation. It is just the > > outline of main principles. I > > > have not read the book but I can see how she > could > > have received such > > > advice. Would one day of missing school be so > bad? > > We all feel the need to > > > goof off once in a while. I think the important > > point is that it is just a > > > once in a while and the persistent pattern (of > > staying in bed) is getting > > > modified and overcome in the long run. > > > I myself have been depressed most of my adult > > life. It was dysthimya; I > > > never had any treatment except what I had > devised > > myself. I also never > > > skipped a day of work because of it or stayed in > === message truncated === __________________________________________________ Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted May 25, 2006 Report Share Posted May 25, 2006 I found the same thing with my daughter. When she'd do something and I'd respond with discipline, she would do very well for a while. It was actually quite pleasant! I would think I could see light at the end of the tunnel. Then, after a few weeks (if that long), things would deteriorate. I hope with the T things go well! Also, the year of homeschooling I did was quite good for her, until she found peers through a camp for overweight kids she begged me to send her to. It seemed fine, but she found some real losers there, and of course fell in love and started to rack up $180/month phone bills (just the long distance part of it). That's about when I started to do all the dialing and all the answering and took her allowance until the $180 was paid off to me. Anyway, I hope things go well for you! Helen _____ From: WTOParentsOfBPs [mailto:WTOParentsOfBPs ] On Behalf Of Toni P Sent: Thursday, May 25, 2006 1:38 PM To: WTOParentsOfBPs Subject: Re: What do you think? DeboraL- I think you're on to something there about their response to our " strict " demands like you were talking about. My d seems to be the same way. She's more like a real person and really seems to be coming out of her shell. She watched " House " with me on Tues night after I coaxed her out of her room (she stormed in there talking about emancipation and then took a nap). We had fun and she then watched some History channel. Like a normal human being. After yesterday's work, she spent the evening watching " Gettysburg " , writing a story, and talking to this friend on the phone. This morning, she's finishing " Gettysburg " and talking back to the movie (we do this for fun, like heckling). She has to go to work with me today (just a couple of hours) then on to the T office. She just came in to me and rattled off all this stuff about battles and strategy and . . . and . . .OMG WHAT A MOTORMOUTH!!!!! I love it! I sure hope she keeps her horns in today and remains human. Perhaps it's the lack of her usual peers, she's shedding off their influence. Hmmmm. . . Sorrry, I do tend to go on. Toni Deborah minamimuki2004@...> wrote: Hi Toni, That's interesting and it's interesting that it worked. I'm wondering if she might also be responding to the strict way you're dealing with her. In other words, she was feeling (in her own bpd way) that the restrictions made her feel safe and loved so she was responding positively to the chance to use the phone and maybe make you happier with her. Does this make any sense? I think it's more about the timing than the carrot itself. When I've managed to be strict about something, my daughter will often soften her tone and be more willing to be cooperative. I'm not real sure about the how or why of that which is why I can't be more helpful to you. Watch out for any demands that something she has done has GOT to be worth a reward, so fork it out, please. Make sure it is you who makes the offer and sets the conditions. But it sounds good so far! Deborah --- Toni P hephzeba2001@...> wrote: > We have grounded bpd from the phone, email, outings > with friends, etc. due to that really bad breach of > trust. We are also trying to get her to get a job. > Not really motivated to get job, so we decided that > she could earn the phone for an evening if she got > up and worked hard to find a job today. > > She was up, ready and had all applications ready > to drop off AN HOUR EARLY! She had to wait for me at > a dr appt for a very long time (new chiropractor) > and had a really good attitude the whole day. She > turned in her applications and fill out a few more. > I am so pleased and so is she. > > So she gets to use the phone this evening! > > Sometimes all we need is the right carrot. I wish > this would work all the time! > > Do you think this was a good idea? > > Toni > > Deborah minamimuki2004@...> wrote: > You're having a hard time, but personally I like > your > choices: eat what you like when everyone's done but > clean up, clothing is fine as along as pertinent > skin > is covered and you can breathe, ignore the mascara, > and letting her room go until she has ants. (Since > she's had an unfortunate incident, I wouldn't do the > reward system too soon.) And you're gearing up for > DBT. Go for it! > > Cheering and hanging out banners, > Deborah > > > She is trying to freak us out with her clothing > > choices. However, we decided when she was young to > > stay out of the clothing battle as long as all > > pertinant skin was covered and she could breath. > But > > I have begun to hate black! And the eye makeup! > The > > Egyptians could take lessons from her in > eyeliner!! > > EEEKKK!! As a former skin care consultant, I am > > creating more scars on my tongue trying to keep my > > mouth shut. So far, all I've said is " I don't > think > > you'll be able to get a job with that makeup. " > > Sheesh! > > > > Gotta laugh or we'll all be on the wrong side of > > the grass. . . . > > Toni > > > > bosoxfan199@... wrote: > > Toni, > > > > I was where you're at. You still have your beliefs > > -- and it's ok to let your daughter know that. > > Eventually, she'll turn around. > > > > Is she going to counseling. You may need help > > getting her to school. Perhaps that's one of the > > arrangements in the contract. I had to go to > school, > > get an IED plan for my daughter to keep her there > as > > she was cutting classes and never coming home. She > > did graduate from high school but did not go on to > > college. During the period she was in the hospital > > and transitioning, she was tutored. > > > > Carol > > > > > > --------- Re: DBT? > > > > > > > > > Toni, > > > > > > I will be happy to send you the handout though I > > do not think it will be > > > very useful in your situation. It is just the > > outline of main principles. I > > > have not read the book but I can see how she > could > > have received such > > > advice. Would one day of missing school be so > bad? > > We all feel the need to > > > goof off once in a while. I think the important > > point is that it is just a > > > once in a while and the persistent pattern (of > > staying in bed) is getting > > > modified and overcome in the long run. > > > I myself have been depressed most of my adult > > life. It was dysthimya; I > > > never had any treatment except what I had > devised > > myself. I also never > > > skipped a day of work because of it or stayed in > === message truncated === __________________________________________________ Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted May 25, 2006 Report Share Posted May 25, 2006 Toni, I think our daughters are very similar. Except that she does not seem sexually attacted to boys, they seem to have a lot in common. Not the least of which is the " MOTORMOUTH " aspect. She used to occasionally quiz me when she sensed my attention waning... Yours was the one you wouldn't look in the eye after a nap until after she'd had the apple juice, right? Deborah --- Toni P hephzeba2001@...> wrote: > DeboraL- > > I think you're on to something there about their > response to our " strict " demands like you were > talking about. My d seems to be the same way. She's > more like a real person and really seems to be > coming out of her shell. > > She watched " House " with me on Tues night after I > coaxed her out of her room (she stormed in there > talking about emancipation and then took a nap). We > had fun and she then watched some History channel. > Like a normal human being. > > After yesterday's work, she spent the evening > watching " Gettysburg " , writing a story, and talking > to this friend on the phone. This morning, she's > finishing " Gettysburg " and talking back to the movie > (we do this for fun, like heckling). She has to go > to work with me today (just a couple of hours) then > on to the T office. She just came in to me and > rattled off all this stuff about battles and > strategy and . . . and . . .OMG WHAT A > MOTORMOUTH!!!!! I love it! > > I sure hope she keeps her horns in today and > remains human. Perhaps it's the lack of her usual > peers, she's shedding off their influence. Hmmmm. . > . > > Sorrry, I do tend to go on. > > Toni > > Deborah minamimuki2004@...> wrote: > Hi Toni, > > That's interesting and it's interesting that it > worked. I'm wondering if she might also be > responding > to the strict way you're dealing with her. In other > words, she was feeling (in her own bpd way) that the > restrictions made her feel safe and loved so she was > responding positively to the chance to use the phone > and maybe make you happier with her. Does this make > any sense? I think it's more about the timing than > the carrot itself. When I've managed to be strict > about something, my daughter will often soften her > tone and be more willing to be cooperative. I'm not > real sure about the how or why of that which is why > I > can't be more helpful to you. Watch out for any > demands that something she has done has GOT to be > worth a reward, so fork it out, please. Make sure > it > is you who makes the offer and sets the conditions. > > But it sounds good so far! > > Deborah > > --- Toni P hephzeba2001@...> wrote: > > > We have grounded bpd from the phone, email, > outings > > with friends, etc. due to that really bad breach > of > > trust. We are also trying to get her to get a job. > > Not really motivated to get job, so we decided > that > > she could earn the phone for an evening if she got > > up and worked hard to find a job today. > > > > She was up, ready and had all applications ready > > to drop off AN HOUR EARLY! She had to wait for me > at > > a dr appt for a very long time (new chiropractor) > > and had a really good attitude the whole day. She > > turned in her applications and fill out a few > more. > > I am so pleased and so is she. > > > > So she gets to use the phone this evening! > > > > Sometimes all we need is the right carrot. I > wish > > this would work all the time! > > > > Do you think this was a good idea? > > > > Toni > > > > Deborah minamimuki2004@...> wrote: > > You're having a hard time, but personally I like > > your > > choices: eat what you like when everyone's done > but > > clean up, clothing is fine as along as pertinent > > skin > > is covered and you can breathe, ignore the > mascara, > > and letting her room go until she has ants. (Since > > she's had an unfortunate incident, I wouldn't do > the > > reward system too soon.) And you're gearing up > for > > DBT. Go for it! > > > > Cheering and hanging out banners, > > Deborah > > > > > She is trying to freak us out with her > clothing > > > choices. However, we decided when she was young > to > > > stay out of the clothing battle as long as all > > > pertinant skin was covered and she could breath. > > But > > > I have begun to hate black! And the eye makeup! > > The > > > Egyptians could take lessons from her in > > eyeliner!! > > > EEEKKK!! As a former skin care consultant, I am > > > creating more scars on my tongue trying to keep > my > > > mouth shut. So far, all I've said is " I don't > > think > > > you'll be able to get a job with that makeup. " > > > Sheesh! > > > > > > Gotta laugh or we'll all be on the wrong side > of > > > the grass. . . . > > > Toni > > > > > > bosoxfan199@... wrote: > > > Toni, > > > > > > I was where you're at. You still have your > beliefs > > > -- and it's ok to let your daughter know that. > > > Eventually, she'll turn around. > > > > > > Is she going to counseling. You may need help > > > getting her to school. Perhaps that's one of the > > > arrangements in the contract. I had to go to > > school, > > > get an IED plan for my daughter to keep her > there > > as > > > she was cutting classes and never coming home. > She > > > did graduate from high school but did not go on > to > > > college. During the period she was in the > hospital > > > and transitioning, she was tutored. > > > > > > Carol > > > > > > > > > -------------- Original message -------------- > > > From: Toni P > > > > > > > Odette- > > > > > > > > I hear ya! My bpd is 16 and would rather lay > > > around in bed and listen to > > > > music. She does go to school mostly for the > > social > > > aspects and does just enough > > > > work to pass her classes (except for math-she > > will > > > fail again this year). If she > > > > had no friends or boyfriends at school, I > doubt > > we > > > could get her there (although > > > > she knows we're likely to haul her physically > > out > > > of bed and drop her off in her > > > > pjs). > > > > > > > > Sometimes I feel like all I want is for her to > > > become 18 and move out. I want > > > > my life back, my home back and my beliefs > back. > > I > > > want to be able to shop > > > > without guilt for not buying her something, I > > want > > > to listen to loud worship > > > > music if I want to. I want to not be a mom any > > > more. It's scary to admit this > > > > because the world seems to be so full of > > Supermoms > > > who would stop their very > > > > breath for their kids and I can't say that. > > > > > > > > Oops, sorry to unload like that. > > > > > === message truncated === __________________________________________________ Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted May 25, 2006 Report Share Posted May 25, 2006 Congrats DebbieL and Elaine! It's so nice and really hopeful to read that things can and do improve eventually! I'm catching up on around 75 emails now. Things have been more stressed but with all the different types of support I've sought after, it has given me strength and more hope!! Thank you all!!!!!!! Personally, I have been all over the place this last week. Had a supervisor to the ER clinicians at Community Mental Health spend an hour or so with me, listening and explaining the law to me and things to do when my daughter goes into an awful rage. Also, read all the notes of my bpdd's that her friends wrote to her and discovered that she has " sniffed " something. I freaked! The one positive thing about it is this best female friend of hers was telling her she didn't like to see her unhappy or angry and then asked if she had sniffed anymore of that stuff. Then asked why she was doing that, she really wanted to know. Since it was her best friend, maybe it touched her?? I found myself leaving her a message that I wouldn't be back until around 9-10pm and headed for a Narcotics Anonymous meeting as I wanted to talk to those that have used, when they started, what crisis happened that brought them there, etc. Then I've gone to an Alanon meeting as well as long meeting called " Shadow Voices " which is all about mental health illnesses, etc. All was very enlightening, people encouraging and then my prayers have been answered for giving me more strength and knowledge on how to handle the situation I have here. All of you.....reading all you have to say has also given me the strength to keep going, learning and to take action! Thank you!!! I was sooooo fearful of my daughter when she started with such bad behavior, swearing, throwing things, hitting the walls and counter with her fists, slamming doors and mumbling how she was going to " snap " that " I " , thanks to all the support, have changed my behavior. I have not been as much of a mom as I should have been and it made me a " wuse " (pardon the expression) in the midst of the chaos. I have never been one to raise my voice or even spank her since she was 6 yrs old when the worse thing happened to her. I shocked her yesterday when she began this type of behavior and called the police without her knowing it. They were at the door yelling police and she grabbed her head with both hands as I yelled for them to come in. I had expected her to go into a full fledged episode, destroying things, screaming and threatening me but this time, wouldn't you know it, the police got here too quick. It certainly shocked her! Of course she told them that she was just mad because I wouldn't talk to her, which was just the opposite, she wouldn't answer me! Amazing! One officer stepped outside with me and asked if she was bipolar and I said they were giving her meds for that but she hasn't seen anyone for a couple of months now as she refused. Anyway, I left when they did and so she didn't manipulate me by making me think she was going to hurt herself. About an hour later I called her on her cell phone which she didnt answer, left a message that I needed to go over to a certain cousins as something had happened to her and I wouldnt be back until around 11pm. Told her that I do love her but that " I " am not going to put up with that kind of behavior anymore. Then followed that up with telling her tonite that she could not drive my car anymore and when hers is repaired, there will be stipulations as to when she could use it or if she could. Also that she had to do some cleaning in the house if she wanted ANY money for the weekend, she must earn it! She made a comment that I'm starting to " p " her off and I interrupted and said that I'm NOT going to listen to her speak to me that way anymore ither. Now tonite, she was kinder, more respectful and settled. She really gave me the impression that she feels like she is loved now. I mention this because of what someone else said. I'm going to continue everything, especially my prayers for the strength to be STRONG and CONSISTENT, and to get thru to her that NO ONE should accept ABUSE and I WONT ITHER ANYMORE! I cannot think beyond " one day at a time " as the saying goes so I don't get too hopeful since all this kind of behavior began in September and the violent episodes around Easter,that progressed. I cannot fathom dealing with this for even a year so I'll stick with my one day at a time and continue all my groups and taking care of myself in other ways as well. So, here's hoping and praying for all of us and our bpd's. Have a good evening everyone! Hi Toni, That's interesting and it's interesting that it worked. I'm wondering if she might also be responding to the strict way you're dealing with her. In other words, she was feeling (in her own bpd way) that the restrictions made her feel safe and loved so she was responding positively to the chance to use the phone and maybe make you happier with her. Does this make any sense? I think it's more about the timing than the carrot itself. When I've managed to be strict about something, my daughter will often soften her tone and be more willing to be cooperative. I'm not real sure about the how or why of that which is why I can't be more helpful to you. Watch out for any demands that something she has done has GOT to be worth a reward, so fork it out, please. Make sure it is you who makes the offer and sets the conditions. But it sounds good so far! Deborah --- Toni P hephzeba2001@...> wrote: > We have grounded bpd from the phone, email, outings > with friends, etc. due to that really bad breach of > trust. We are also trying to get her to get a job. > Not really motivated to get job, so we decided that > she could earn the phone for an evening if she got > up and worked hard to find a job today. > > She was up, ready and had all applications ready > to drop off AN HOUR EARLY! She had to wait for me at > a dr appt for a very long time (new chiropractor) > and had a really good attitude the whole day. She > turned in her applications and fill out a few more. > I am so pleased and so is she. > > So she gets to use the phone this evening! > > Sometimes all we need is the right carrot. I wish > this would work all the time! > > Do you think this was a good idea? > > Toni > > Deborah minamimuki2004@...> wrote: > You're having a hard time, but personally I like > your > choices: eat what you like when everyone's done but > clean up, clothing is fine as along as pertinent > skin > is covered and you can breathe, ignore the mascara, > and letting her room go until she has ants. (Since > she's had an unfortunate incident, I wouldn't do the > reward system too soon.) And you're gearing up for > DBT. Go for it! > > Cheering and hanging out banners, > Deborah > > > She is trying to freak us out with her clothing > > choices. However, we decided when she was young to > > stay out of the clothing battle as long as all > > pertinant skin was covered and she could breath. > But > > I have begun to hate black! And the eye makeup! > The > > Egyptians could take lessons from her in > eyeliner!! > > EEEKKK!! As a former skin care consultant, I am > > creating more scars on my tongue trying to keep my > > mouth shut. So far, all I've said is " I don't > think > > you'll be able to get a job with that makeup. " > > Sheesh! > > > > Gotta laugh or we'll all be on the wrong side of > > the grass. . . . > > Toni > > > > bosoxfan199@... wrote: > > Toni, > > > > I was where you're at. You still have your beliefs > > -- and it's ok to let your daughter know that. > > Eventually, she'll turn around. > > > > Is she going to counseling. You may need help > > getting her to school. Perhaps that's one of the > > arrangements in the contract. I had to go to > school, > > get an IED plan for my daughter to keep her there > as > > she was cutting classes and never coming home. She > > did graduate from high school but did not go on to > > college. During the period she was in the hospital > > and transitioning, she was tutored. > > > > Carol > > > > > > --------- Re: DBT? > > > > > > > > > Toni, > > > > > > I will be happy to send you the handout though I > > do not think it will be > > > very useful in your situation. It is just the > > outline of main principles. I > > > have not read the book but I can see how she > could > > have received such > > > advice. Would one day of missing school be so > bad? > > We all feel the need to > > > goof off once in a while. I think the important > > point is that it is just a > > > once in a while and the persistent pattern (of > > staying in bed) is getting > > > modified and overcome in the long run. > > > I myself have been depressed most of my adult > > life. It was dysthimya; I > > > never had any treatment except what I had > devised > > myself. I also never > > > skipped a day of work because of it or stayed in > === message truncated === __________________________________________________ Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted May 26, 2006 Report Share Posted May 26, 2006 Congratulations! You will certainly need prayer to continue to be consistent and level headed through this, but that is what will help her the most! Helen _____ From: WTOParentsOfBPs [mailto:WTOParentsOfBPs ] On Behalf Of patricia atcheson Sent: Friday, May 26, 2006 12:39 AM To: WTOParentsOfBPs Subject: Re: What do you think? Congrats DebbieL and Elaine! It's so nice and really hopeful to read that things can and do improve eventually! I'm catching up on around 75 emails now. Things have been more stressed but with all the different types of support I've sought after, it has given me strength and more hope!! Thank you all!!!!!!! Personally, I have been all over the place this last week. Had a supervisor to the ER clinicians at Community Mental Health spend an hour or so with me, listening and explaining the law to me and things to do when my daughter goes into an awful rage. Also, read all the notes of my bpdd's that her friends wrote to her and discovered that she has " sniffed " something. I freaked! The one positive thing about it is this best female friend of hers was telling her she didn't like to see her unhappy or angry and then asked if she had sniffed anymore of that stuff. Then asked why she was doing that, she really wanted to know. Since it was her best friend, maybe it touched her?? I found myself leaving her a message that I wouldn't be back until around 9-10pm and headed for a Narcotics Anonymous meeting as I wanted to talk to those that have used, when they started, what crisis happened that brought them there, etc. Then I've gone to an Alanon meeting as well as long meeting called " Shadow Voices " which is all about mental health illnesses, etc. All was very enlightening, people encouraging and then my prayers have been answered for giving me more strength and knowledge on how to handle the situation I have here. All of you.....reading all you have to say has also given me the strength to keep going, learning and to take action! Thank you!!! I was sooooo fearful of my daughter when she started with such bad behavior, swearing, throwing things, hitting the walls and counter with her fists, slamming doors and mumbling how she was going to " snap " that " I " , thanks to all the support, have changed my behavior. I have not been as much of a mom as I should have been and it made me a " wuse " (pardon the expression) in the midst of the chaos. I have never been one to raise my voice or even spank her since she was 6 yrs old when the worse thing happened to her. I shocked her yesterday when she began this type of behavior and called the police without her knowing it. They were at the door yelling police and she grabbed her head with both hands as I yelled for them to come in. I had expected her to go into a full fledged episode, destroying things, screaming and threatening me but this time, wouldn't you know it, the police got here too quick. It certainly shocked her! Of course she told them that she was just mad because I wouldn't talk to her, which was just the opposite, she wouldn't answer me! Amazing! One officer stepped outside with me and asked if she was bipolar and I said they were giving her meds for that but she hasn't seen anyone for a couple of months now as she refused. Anyway, I left when they did and so she didn't manipulate me by making me think she was going to hurt herself. About an hour later I called her on her cell phone which she didnt answer, left a message that I needed to go over to a certain cousins as something had happened to her and I wouldnt be back until around 11pm. Told her that I do love her but that " I " am not going to put up with that kind of behavior anymore. Then followed that up with telling her tonite that she could not drive my car anymore and when hers is repaired, there will be stipulations as to when she could use it or if she could. Also that she had to do some cleaning in the house if she wanted ANY money for the weekend, she must earn it! She made a comment that I'm starting to " p " her off and I interrupted and said that I'm NOT going to listen to her speak to me that way anymore ither. Now tonite, she was kinder, more respectful and settled. She really gave me the impression that she feels like she is loved now. I mention this because of what someone else said. I'm going to continue everything, especially my prayers for the strength to be STRONG and CONSISTENT, and to get thru to her that NO ONE should accept ABUSE and I WONT ITHER ANYMORE! I cannot think beyond " one day at a time " as the saying goes so I don't get too hopeful since all this kind of behavior began in September and the violent episodes around Easter,that progressed. I cannot fathom dealing with this for even a year so I'll stick with my one day at a time and continue all my groups and taking care of myself in other ways as well. So, here's hoping and praying for all of us and our bpd's. Have a good evening everyone! Hi Toni, That's interesting and it's interesting that it worked. I'm wondering if she might also be responding to the strict way you're dealing with her. In other words, she was feeling (in her own bpd way) that the restrictions made her feel safe and loved so she was responding positively to the chance to use the phone and maybe make you happier with her. Does this make any sense? I think it's more about the timing than the carrot itself. When I've managed to be strict about something, my daughter will often soften her tone and be more willing to be cooperative. I'm not real sure about the how or why of that which is why I can't be more helpful to you. Watch out for any demands that something she has done has GOT to be worth a reward, so fork it out, please. Make sure it is you who makes the offer and sets the conditions. But it sounds good so far! Deborah --- Toni P hephzeba2001@...> wrote: > We have grounded bpd from the phone, email, outings > with friends, etc. due to that really bad breach of > trust. We are also trying to get her to get a job. > Not really motivated to get job, so we decided that > she could earn the phone for an evening if she got > up and worked hard to find a job today. > > She was up, ready and had all applications ready > to drop off AN HOUR EARLY! She had to wait for me at > a dr appt for a very long time (new chiropractor) > and had a really good attitude the whole day. She > turned in her applications and fill out a few more. > I am so pleased and so is she. > > So she gets to use the phone this evening! > > Sometimes all we need is the right carrot. I wish > this would work all the time! > > Do you think this was a good idea? > > Toni > > Deborah minamimuki2004@...> wrote: > You're having a hard time, but personally I like > your > choices: eat what you like when everyone's done but > clean up, clothing is fine as along as pertinent > skin > is covered and you can breathe, ignore the mascara, > and letting her room go until she has ants. (Since > she's had an unfortunate incident, I wouldn't do the > reward system too soon.) And you're gearing up for > DBT. Go for it! > > Cheering and hanging out banners, > Deborah > > > She is trying to freak us out with her clothing > > choices. However, we decided when she was young to > > stay out of the clothing battle as long as all > > pertinant skin was covered and she could breath. > But > > I have begun to hate black! And the eye makeup! > The > > Egyptians could take lessons from her in > eyeliner!! > > EEEKKK!! As a former skin care consultant, I am > > creating more scars on my tongue trying to keep my > > mouth shut. So far, all I've said is " I don't > think > > you'll be able to get a job with that makeup. " > > Sheesh! > > > > Gotta laugh or we'll all be on the wrong side of > > the grass. . . . > > Toni > > > > bosoxfan199@... wrote: > > Toni, > > > > I was where you're at. You still have your beliefs > > -- and it's ok to let your daughter know that. > > Eventually, she'll turn around. > > > > Is she going to counseling. You may need help > > getting her to school. Perhaps that's one of the > > arrangements in the contract. I had to go to > school, > > get an IED plan for my daughter to keep her there > as > > she was cutting classes and never coming home. She > > did graduate from high school but did not go on to > > college. During the period she was in the hospital > > and transitioning, she was tutored. > > > > Carol > > > > > > --------- Re: DBT? > > > > > > > > > Toni, > > > > > > I will be happy to send you the handout though I > > do not think it will be > > > very useful in your situation. It is just the > > outline of main principles. I > > > have not read the book but I can see how she > could > > have received such > > > advice. Would one day of missing school be so > bad? > > We all feel the need to > > > goof off once in a while. I think the important > > point is that it is just a > > > once in a while and the persistent pattern (of > > staying in bed) is getting > > > modified and overcome in the long run. > > > I myself have been depressed most of my adult > > life. It was dysthimya; I > > > never had any treatment except what I had > devised > > myself. I also never > > > skipped a day of work because of it or stayed in > === message truncated === __________________________________________________ Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted May 26, 2006 Report Share Posted May 26, 2006 Yep! She was downright mean (for a toddler). She can still get grumpy and mean, so I have been watching the sugar and carb intake. Yep, she's a carb freak. Maybe some low level bipolar involved here, too. We used to call her Tojo, after the Japanese commander in WWII (I think, my dh is the war buff). Tojo was nastier than any of the baddies in that era. And we refused to call her Hitler (although her hair looked the part-teehee!). Toni Deborah minamimuki2004@...> wrote: Toni, I think our daughters are very similar. Except that she does not seem sexually attacted to boys, they seem to have a lot in common. Not the least of which is the " MOTORMOUTH " aspect. She used to occasionally quiz me when she sensed my attention waning... Yours was the one you wouldn't look in the eye after a nap until after she'd had the apple juice, right? Deborah --- Toni P hephzeba2001@...> wrote: > DeboraL- > > I think you're on to something there about their > response to our " strict " demands like you were > talking about. My d seems to be the same way. She's > more like a real person and really seems to be > coming out of her shell. > > She watched " House " with me on Tues night after I > coaxed her out of her room (she stormed in there > talking about emancipation and then took a nap). We > had fun and she then watched some History channel. > Like a normal human being. > > After yesterday's work, she spent the evening > watching " Gettysburg " , writing a story, and talking > to this friend on the phone. This morning, she's > finishing " Gettysburg " and talking back to the movie > (we do this for fun, like heckling). She has to go > to work with me today (just a couple of hours) then > on to the T office. She just came in to me and > rattled off all this stuff about battles and > strategy and . . . and . . .OMG WHAT A > MOTORMOUTH!!!!! I love it! > > I sure hope she keeps her horns in today and > remains human. Perhaps it's the lack of her usual > peers, she's shedding off their influence. Hmmmm. . > . > > Sorrry, I do tend to go on. > > Toni > > Deborah minamimuki2004@...> wrote: > Hi Toni, > > That's interesting and it's interesting that it > worked. I'm wondering if she might also be > responding > to the strict way you're dealing with her. In other > words, she was feeling (in her own bpd way) that the > restrictions made her feel safe and loved so she was > responding positively to the chance to use the phone > and maybe make you happier with her. Does this make > any sense? I think it's more about the timing than > the carrot itself. When I've managed to be strict > about something, my daughter will often soften her > tone and be more willing to be cooperative. I'm not > real sure about the how or why of that which is why > I > can't be more helpful to you. Watch out for any > demands that something she has done has GOT to be > worth a reward, so fork it out, please. Make sure > it > is you who makes the offer and sets the conditions. > > But it sounds good so far! > > Deborah > > --- Toni P hephzeba2001@...> wrote: > > > We have grounded bpd from the phone, email, > outings > > with friends, etc. due to that really bad breach > of > > trust. We are also trying to get her to get a job. > > Not really motivated to get job, so we decided > that > > she could earn the phone for an evening if she got > > up and worked hard to find a job today. > > > > She was up, ready and had all applications ready > > to drop off AN HOUR EARLY! She had to wait for me > at > > a dr appt for a very long time (new chiropractor) > > and had a really good attitude the whole day. She > > turned in her applications and fill out a few > more. > > I am so pleased and so is she. > > > > So she gets to use the phone this evening! > > > > Sometimes all we need is the right carrot. I > wish > > this would work all the time! > > > > Do you think this was a good idea? > > > > Toni > > > > Deborah minamimuki2004@...> wrote: > > You're having a hard time, but personally I like > > your > > choices: eat what you like when everyone's done > but > > clean up, clothing is fine as along as pertinent > > skin > > is covered and you can breathe, ignore the > mascara, > > and letting her room go until she has ants. (Since > > she's had an unfortunate incident, I wouldn't do > the > > reward system too soon.) And you're gearing up > for > > DBT. Go for it! > > > > Cheering and hanging out banners, > > Deborah > > > > > She is trying to freak us out with her > clothing > > > choices. However, we decided when she was young > to > > > stay out of the clothing battle as long as all > > > pertinant skin was covered and she could breath. > > But > > > I have begun to hate black! And the eye makeup! > > The > > > Egyptians could take lessons from her in > > eyeliner!! > > > EEEKKK!! As a former skin care consultant, I am > > > creating more scars on my tongue trying to keep > my > > > mouth shut. So far, all I've said is " I don't > > think > > > you'll be able to get a job with that makeup. " > > > Sheesh! > > > > > > Gotta laugh or we'll all be on the wrong side > of > > > the grass. . . . > > > Toni > > > > > > bosoxfan199@... wrote: > > > Toni, > > > > > > I was where you're at. You still have your > beliefs > > > -- and it's ok to let your daughter know that. > > > Eventually, she'll turn around. > > > > > > Is she going to counseling. You may need help > > > getting her to school. Perhaps that's one of the > > > arrangements in the contract. I had to go to > > school, > > > get an IED plan for my daughter to keep her > there > > as > > > she was cutting classes and never coming home. > She > > > did graduate from high school but did not go on > to > > > college. During the period she was in the > hospital > > > and transitioning, she was tutored. > > > > > > Carol > > > > > > > > > -------------- Original message -------------- > > > From: Toni P > > > > > > > Odette- > > > > > > > > I hear ya! My bpd is 16 and would rather lay > > > around in bed and listen to > > > > music. She does go to school mostly for the > > social > > > aspects and does just enough > > > > work to pass her classes (except for math-she > > will > > > fail again this year). If she > > > > had no friends or boyfriends at school, I > doubt > > we > > > could get her there (although > > > > she knows we're likely to haul her physically > > out > > > of bed and drop her off in her > > > > pjs). > > > > > > > > Sometimes I feel like all I want is for her to > > > become 18 and move out. I want > > > > my life back, my home back and my beliefs > back. > > I > > > want to be able to shop > > > > without guilt for not buying her something, I > > want > > > to listen to loud worship > > > > music if I want to. I want to not be a mom any > > > more. It's scary to admit this > > > > because the world seems to be so full of > > Supermoms > > > who would stop their very > > > > breath for their kids and I can't say that. > > > > > > > > Oops, sorry to unload like that. > > > > > === message truncated === __________________________________________________ Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted May 26, 2006 Report Share Posted May 26, 2006 Feeling like a proud mama for you ! What an about face! Great news of a job well done. Keep up the good work, we know it's hard, almost impossible, but so very rewarding in the end. One day at a time is, IMHO, the only way to deal with this, esp in the beginning stages of establishing some control over the situation. Thanks for being a wonderful example of possibilities! Toni patricia atcheson connect4love@...> wrote: Congrats DebbieL and Elaine! It's so nice and really hopeful to read that things can and do improve eventually! I'm catching up on around 75 emails now. Things have been more stressed but with all the different types of support I've sought after, it has given me strength and more hope!! Thank you all!!!!!!! Personally, I have been all over the place this last week. Had a supervisor to the ER clinicians at Community Mental Health spend an hour or so with me, listening and explaining the law to me and things to do when my daughter goes into an awful rage. Also, read all the notes of my bpdd's that her friends wrote to her and discovered that she has " sniffed " something. I freaked! The one positive thing about it is this best female friend of hers was telling her she didn't like to see her unhappy or angry and then asked if she had sniffed anymore of that stuff. Then asked why she was doing that, she really wanted to know. Since it was her best friend, maybe it touched her?? I found myself leaving her a message that I wouldn't be back until around 9-10pm and headed for a Narcotics Anonymous meeting as I wanted to talk to those that have used, when they started, what crisis happened that brought them there, etc. Then I've gone to an Alanon meeting as well as long meeting called " Shadow Voices " which is all about mental health illnesses, etc. All was very enlightening, people encouraging and then my prayers have been answered for giving me more strength and knowledge on how to handle the situation I have here. All of you.....reading all you have to say has also given me the strength to keep going, learning and to take action! Thank you!!! I was sooooo fearful of my daughter when she started with such bad behavior, swearing, throwing things, hitting the walls and counter with her fists, slamming doors and mumbling how she was going to " snap " that " I " , thanks to all the support, have changed my behavior. I have not been as much of a mom as I should have been and it made me a " wuse " (pardon the expression) in the midst of the chaos. I have never been one to raise my voice or even spank her since she was 6 yrs old when the worse thing happened to her. I shocked her yesterday when she began this type of behavior and called the police without her knowing it. They were at the door yelling police and she grabbed her head with both hands as I yelled for them to come in. I had expected her to go into a full fledged episode, destroying things, screaming and threatening me but this time, wouldn't you know it, the police got here too quick. It certainly shocked her! Of course she told them that she was just mad because I wouldn't talk to her, which was just the opposite, she wouldn't answer me! Amazing! One officer stepped outside with me and asked if she was bipolar and I said they were giving her meds for that but she hasn't seen anyone for a couple of months now as she refused. Anyway, I left when they did and so she didn't manipulate me by making me think she was going to hurt herself. About an hour later I called her on her cell phone which she didnt answer, left a message that I needed to go over to a certain cousins as something had happened to her and I wouldnt be back until around 11pm. Told her that I do love her but that " I " am not going to put up with that kind of behavior anymore. Then followed that up with telling her tonite that she could not drive my car anymore and when hers is repaired, there will be stipulations as to when she could use it or if she could. Also that she had to do some cleaning in the house if she wanted ANY money for the weekend, she must earn it! She made a comment that I'm starting to " p " her off and I interrupted and said that I'm NOT going to listen to her speak to me that way anymore ither. Now tonite, she was kinder, more respectful and settled. She really gave me the impression that she feels like she is loved now. I mention this because of what someone else said. I'm going to continue everything, especially my prayers for the strength to be STRONG and CONSISTENT, and to get thru to her that NO ONE should accept ABUSE and I WONT ITHER ANYMORE! I cannot think beyond " one day at a time " as the saying goes so I don't get too hopeful since all this kind of behavior began in September and the violent episodes around Easter,that progressed. I cannot fathom dealing with this for even a year so I'll stick with my one day at a time and continue all my groups and taking care of myself in other ways as well. So, here's hoping and praying for all of us and our bpd's. Have a good evening everyone! Hi Toni, That's interesting and it's interesting that it worked. I'm wondering if she might also be responding to the strict way you're dealing with her. In other words, she was feeling (in her own bpd way) that the restrictions made her feel safe and loved so she was responding positively to the chance to use the phone and maybe make you happier with her. Does this make any sense? I think it's more about the timing than the carrot itself. When I've managed to be strict about something, my daughter will often soften her tone and be more willing to be cooperative. I'm not real sure about the how or why of that which is why I can't be more helpful to you. Watch out for any demands that something she has done has GOT to be worth a reward, so fork it out, please. Make sure it is you who makes the offer and sets the conditions. But it sounds good so far! Deborah --- Toni P hephzeba2001@...> wrote: > We have grounded bpd from the phone, email, outings > with friends, etc. due to that really bad breach of > trust. We are also trying to get her to get a job. > Not really motivated to get job, so we decided that > she could earn the phone for an evening if she got > up and worked hard to find a job today. > > She was up, ready and had all applications ready > to drop off AN HOUR EARLY! She had to wait for me at > a dr appt for a very long time (new chiropractor) > and had a really good attitude the whole day. She > turned in her applications and fill out a few more. > I am so pleased and so is she. > > So she gets to use the phone this evening! > > Sometimes all we need is the right carrot. I wish > this would work all the time! > > Do you think this was a good idea? > > Toni > > Deborah minamimuki2004@...> wrote: > You're having a hard time, but personally I like > your > choices: eat what you like when everyone's done but > clean up, clothing is fine as along as pertinent > skin > is covered and you can breathe, ignore the mascara, > and letting her room go until she has ants. (Since > she's had an unfortunate incident, I wouldn't do the > reward system too soon.) And you're gearing up for > DBT. Go for it! > > Cheering and hanging out banners, > Deborah > > > She is trying to freak us out with her clothing > > choices. However, we decided when she was young to > > stay out of the clothing battle as long as all > > pertinant skin was covered and she could breath. > But > > I have begun to hate black! And the eye makeup! > The > > Egyptians could take lessons from her in > eyeliner!! > > EEEKKK!! As a former skin care consultant, I am > > creating more scars on my tongue trying to keep my > > mouth shut. So far, all I've said is " I don't > think > > you'll be able to get a job with that makeup. " > > Sheesh! > > > > Gotta laugh or we'll all be on the wrong side of > > the grass. . . . > > Toni > > > > bosoxfan199@... wrote: > > Toni, > > > > I was where you're at. You still have your beliefs > > -- and it's ok to let your daughter know that. > > Eventually, she'll turn around. > > > > Is she going to counseling. You may need help > > getting her to school. Perhaps that's one of the > > arrangements in the contract. I had to go to > school, > > get an IED plan for my daughter to keep her there > as > > she was cutting classes and never coming home. She > > did graduate from high school but did not go on to > > college. During the period she was in the hospital > > and transitioning, she was tutored. > > > > Carol > > > > > > --------- Re: DBT? > > > > > > > > > Toni, > > > > > > I will be happy to send you the handout though I > > do not think it will be > > > very useful in your situation. It is just the > > outline of main principles. I > > > have not read the book but I can see how she > could > > have received such > > > advice. Would one day of missing school be so > bad? > > We all feel the need to > > > goof off once in a while. I think the important > > point is that it is just a > > > once in a while and the persistent pattern (of > > staying in bed) is getting > > > modified and overcome in the long run. > > > I myself have been depressed most of my adult > > life. It was dysthimya; I > > > never had any treatment except what I had > devised > > myself. I also never > > > skipped a day of work because of it or stayed in > === message truncated === __________________________________________________ Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted May 26, 2006 Report Share Posted May 26, 2006 Hmm. I always believed that sugar is evil. Actually, my mom firmly believed it (she was a dentist). My daughter (who stays with me) is a carb addict and always have been. Now I stopped having anything sugary in the house so she went for the bag of raisins (stored in the freezer). My younger daughter (who, in my opinion, shows more bpd traits than her sister) aknowledges that she has a sugar management problem. Except she is able to keep it under control - both sugar and bpd. Milena Toni P hephzeba2001@...> wrote: Yep! She was downright mean (for a toddler). She can still get grumpy and mean, so I have been watching the sugar and carb intake. Yep, she's a carb freak. Maybe some low level bipolar involved here, too. We used to call her Tojo, after the Japanese commander in WWII (I think, my dh is the war buff). Tojo was nastier than any of the baddies in that era. And we refused to call her Hitler (although her hair looked the part-teehee!). Toni Deborah minamimuki2004@...> wrote: Toni, I think our daughters are very similar. Except that she does not seem sexually attacted to boys, they seem to have a lot in common. Not the least of which is the " MOTORMOUTH " aspect. She used to occasionally quiz me when she sensed my attention waning... Yours was the one you wouldn't look in the eye after a nap until after she'd had the apple juice, right? Deborah --- Toni P hephzeba2001@...> wrote: > DeboraL- > > I think you're on to something there about their > response to our " strict " demands like you were > talking about. My d seems to be the same way. She's > more like a real person and really seems to be > coming out of her shell. > > She watched " House " with me on Tues night after I > coaxed her out of her room (she stormed in there > talking about emancipation and then took a nap). We > had fun and she then watched some History channel. > Like a normal human being. > > After yesterday's work, she spent the evening > watching " Gettysburg " , writing a story, and talking > to this friend on the phone. This morning, she's > finishing " Gettysburg " and talking back to the movie > (we do this for fun, like heckling). She has to go > to work with me today (just a couple of hours) then > on to the T office. She just came in to me and > rattled off all this stuff about battles and > strategy and . . . and . . .OMG WHAT A > MOTORMOUTH!!!!! I love it! > > I sure hope she keeps her horns in today and > remains human. Perhaps it's the lack of her usual > peers, she's shedding off their influence. Hmmmm. . > . > > Sorrry, I do tend to go on. > > Toni > > Deborah minamimuki2004@...> wrote: > Hi Toni, > > That's interesting and it's interesting that it > worked. I'm wondering if she might also be > responding > to the strict way you're dealing with her. In other > words, she was feeling (in her own bpd way) that the > restrictions made her feel safe and loved so she was > responding positively to the chance to use the phone > and maybe make you happier with her. Does this make > any sense? I think it's more about the timing than > the carrot itself. When I've managed to be strict > about something, my daughter will often soften her > tone and be more willing to be cooperative. I'm not > real sure about the how or why of that which is why > I > can't be more helpful to you. Watch out for any > demands that something she has done has GOT to be > worth a reward, so fork it out, please. Make sure > it > is you who makes the offer and sets the conditions. > > But it sounds good so far! > > Deborah > > --- Toni P hephzeba2001@...> wrote: > > > We have grounded bpd from the phone, email, > outings > > with friends, etc. due to that really bad breach > of > > trust. We are also trying to get her to get a job. > > Not really motivated to get job, so we decided > that > > she could earn the phone for an evening if she got > > up and worked hard to find a job today. > > > > She was up, ready and had all applications ready > > to drop off AN HOUR EARLY! She had to wait for me > at > > a dr appt for a very long time (new chiropractor) > > and had a really good attitude the whole day. She > > turned in her applications and fill out a few > more. > > I am so pleased and so is she. > > > > So she gets to use the phone this evening! > > > > Sometimes all we need is the right carrot. I > wish > > this would work all the time! > > > > Do you think this was a good idea? > > > > Toni > > > > Deborah minamimuki2004@...> wrote: > > You're having a hard time, but personally I like > > your > > choices: eat what you like when everyone's done > but > > clean up, clothing is fine as along as pertinent > > skin > > is covered and you can breathe, ignore the > mascara, > > and letting her room go until she has ants. (Since > > she's had an unfortunate incident, I wouldn't do > the > > reward system too soon.) And you're gearing up > for > > DBT. Go for it! > > > > Cheering and hanging out banners, > > Deborah > > > > > She is trying to freak us out with her > clothing > > > choices. However, we decided when she was young > to > > > stay out of the clothing battle as long as all > > > pertinant skin was covered and she could breath. > > But > > > I have begun to hate black! And the eye makeup! > > The > > > Egyptians could take lessons from her in > > eyeliner!! > > > EEEKKK!! As a former skin care consultant, I am > > > creating more scars on my tongue trying to keep > my > > > mouth shut. So far, all I've said is " I don't > > think > > > you'll be able to get a job with that makeup. " > > > Sheesh! > > > > > > Gotta laugh or we'll all be on the wrong side > of > > > the grass. . . . > > > Toni > > > > > > bosoxfan199@... wrote: > > > Toni, > > > > > > I was where you're at. You still have your > beliefs > > > -- and it's ok to let your daughter know that. > > > Eventually, she'll turn around. > > > > > > Is she going to counseling. You may need help > > > getting her to school. Perhaps that's one of the > > > arrangements in the contract. I had to go to > > school, > > > get an IED plan for my daughter to keep her > there > > as > > > she was cutting classes and never coming home. > She > > > did graduate from high school but did not go on > to > > > college. During the period she was in the > hospital > > > and transitioning, she was tutored. > > > > > > Carol > > > > > > > > > -------------- Original message -------------- > > > From: Toni P > > > > > > > Odette- > > > > > > > > I hear ya! My bpd is 16 and would rather lay > > > around in bed and listen to > > > > music. She does go to school mostly for the > > social > > > aspects and does just enough > > > > work to pass her classes (except for math-she > > will > > > fail again this year). If she > > > > had no friends or boyfriends at school, I > doubt > > we > > > could get her there (although > > > > she knows we're likely to haul her physically > > out > > > of bed and drop her off in her > > > > pjs). > > > > > > > > Sometimes I feel like all I want is for her to > > > become 18 and move out. I want > > > > my life back, my home back and my beliefs > back. > > I > > > want to be able to shop > > > > without guilt for not buying her something, I > > want > > > to listen to loud worship > > > > music if I want to. I want to not be a mom any > > > more. It's scary to admit this > > > > because the world seems to be so full of > > Supermoms > > > who would stop their very > > > > breath for their kids and I can't say that. > > > > > > > > Oops, sorry to unload like that. > > > > > === message truncated === __________________________________________________ Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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