Re: Digest Number 2109

[Guest guest]

I am A Numero Uno number one enemy to myself. I had lots and lots of training

about how I could never do anything right, was always wrong etc . . add in the

peer pressure of being the fat, smart one and you got it in a nutshell. As I

wrote before my mom made a BAD second marriage and I carry the scars to this

day. Even my physical pain <I have scoliosis in my lower back exacerbated by the

fact that my left hip is smaller than my right, can we say constant sciatica??>

That was all in my head, I was looking for attention blah blah.

Why bother trying? I even gave up on school because of all the mixed messages.

Either I was smart, or an idiot and I didn't even know anymore.

Well somewhere along the line I finally started getting MAD. What can I say, I'm

a late bloomer. Over the past few years I finally started saying 'no more'. Does

this mean I woke up one day and loved myself and I live perfectly on program?

Heck no! But it does mean I catch that stinkin' thinkin' as flylady would say

<bless that woman, I found her in dec of 99 when she started her own mail group,

she's helped a lot>

It's HARD! And yet it's EASY too . . . if that makes sense. The paroxetine <the

meds> help some, but in the end it's all up to ME and I'm finally replacing the

bad stuff with good stuff.

I too have tried counseling, but I never found one I clicked with, and frankly

you often get caught up in their pet projects, so in the end I started to tough

love myself. Having my anxiety reduced, and learning to deal with SAD <that old

winter thing> I started to go " hey, I don't function so well in winter, take it

easy " or " hey, driving brings my anxiety level up, maybe I need to park and walk

for a bit "

When you hit the trigger points, stop. Sometimes you'll continue to eat other

times you'll be able to back off. It's just learning to put new habits in the

place of old. Sometimes you won't even know why, and you'll have to physically

remove yourself from the kitchen. Other times the ice cream is toast, and you're

just looking for an excuse to feel bad. I've done that more than I ever want to

admit. Why on earth am I looking to feel bad?? HABIT. I'm SUPPOSED TO FEEL BAD.

Yuck.

So TELL those voices to go hang themselves!!

Being a writer <in case you haven't noticed yet <EG> I had to learn to muffle

the internal editor or else I'd never get past page one, it's NEVER perfect

enough. So I started taking that the next step, IGNORING THOSE VOICES. Some are

from my past, the rest though are me, I kept doing to myself what was done to

me.

NO MORE.

Has anyone out there ever been told you are your own worst enemy, that you

sabotage yourself all the time? If so, I would really

appreciate advice on ways that you handled this & managed to make changes in

yourself.

Hugs,

Sharon