Re: Digest Number 2110

[Guest guest]

I'm not sure how to explain. For one reason, it was realizing that my husband

and daughter love me, they loved me with those extra 40#'s, they love me now

carrying the extra 15#'s. They love me when I was off on a rage <they just

didn't like me very much>

I love them the same way, I started learning to treat myself the way they

treated me. Well not exactly, I did mention before that my daughter is 14 and

you know how self absorbed 14 year olds are <EG>

For another, I started doing things like, getting my hair cut. I learned how to

manicure my hands. I learned how to LOVE my tatty ugly home and if I can love my

tatty ugly home I can love me. I accepted that taking a nap in the afternoon

wasn't being lazy, it was accepting that I didn't get enough sleep at night. I

learned to ignore that evil voice inside that keeps saying how worthless I am. I

listened to that too long, and accepting it I kept myself surrounded by ugly

things, and kept ME UGLY.

Tory posted a beautiful post about loving yourself the way you love your family,

far better than my mishmash post here, but I'm coming at from the physical side.

I bought nice clothes that FIT ME. I've learned to stand up straight and look

people in the eye <most of the time>

Most of all, I don't want to hide inside anymore. I kept myself in a tiny little

box too long, no more. I'm still in the process of learning to love myself, but

I sure like me a LOT better now.

Subject: Re: Re: TORY & OTHERS

I read this and I was just wondering how does a person start loving

themselves?

Please let me know how as I have been struggling with this a long time?

Thanks,

Kim

[Guest guest]

I have a DVR so it records automatically, which is good because I have

satellite, and that means it's on at 4:00 am here! Then I put together a VCR

tape for those weeks when I don't want it cluttering up my tiny harddrive <I

only have approx 35 hours on my DVR>

Start by recording it for a few weeks and getting it in when you can. I've found

the best time for me is right around lunch time. I get rid of most of the

afternoon lethargy and I feel sorta good for the rest of the day.

My mom on the other hand gets up and does it first thing in the morning! Yikes!!

Message: 15

Date: Tue, 22 Jun 2004 07:26:51 -0700 (PDT)

From: stratton christi

<christistratton@...>

Subject: denise austin/lite and fit

OMG, kimberly.. i just checked out when that program

is on, and its on at the crack of dawn, 7 am..

geeeeezzzzz.... no wonder i never saw it listed, i

dont usually get up till 8. Im going to have to make

an effort if i wanna do that. I guess it would be good

practice, thought, cause i am going to university in

the fall and i will have to get up EARLy to get the

kids to daycare anyhow.

christi

[Guest guest]

No don't be quiet now! That's it exactly!!! It IS attitude! It is knowing your

own self worth! And taking on tiny little goals to get to bigger ones.

I've always loved books. Since I was child and learned to read at 4 I have been

surrounded by them. Somewhere in my teens I decided I wanted to write. And got

talked out of it. <who makes money writing?> Then I had a bad English teacher,

and if he says I can't write? Well then why bother? So when I decided to go back

to school instead of doing what I love <being surrounded by books> I learned to

be a chef. Now I love cooking, but only sporadically and at times, so that was

useless. Then my asthma flared and we moved to an island where being a chef was

darn near impossible.

And I fell back into books. And started sporadically writing. Of course I set

myself up for failure by trying to write in a genre that I like instead of what

I LOVE . . . and of course that evil perfectionism rears it's head. But I kept

going because that IS WHAT I LOVE. A lot of talking with supportive writer

friends and my darling husband kicked me into the direction I needed and you

know what?? A college degree is making absolutely no difference. I have the

basics and I can learn what I need.

It's scary! And when we're scared by new things we immediately want to retreat

back into our comfort zones, what is familiar. And for those of us who deal with

that by eating, we're struggling with our familiar ways of dealing with the

scariness. So how do we learn to do what we love and take those tentative steps

forward while still not eating??

That's one that keeps hanging me up.

When i was growing up, I knew what was beautiful.

Women in the gorgeous paintings tht I loved were

beautiful. The naked women in the magazines lying

underneath my father's bed, they were beautiful.

Barbie, Now, she was beautiful. I thought that when i

grew up, I would be beautiful. And then i sprouted

breasts, and then i was done with that, and I looked

NOTHING like any of those women. I was So. Not.

Beautiful. I didnt look like them, i didnt get to

dress like them, i was some hideous little troglydyte.

And I loathed myself, I felt completely cheated. This

went on for YEARS.

I dont know when i started changing. Part of it was

when i realized that my grandma and grandad were

together for over 50 years and he loved her and she

him, and she didnt look like any of what i have

mentioned before. I had a best friend who outweighted

me by over one hundred lbs, and she had guys hitting

on her. So it had to be soemthing else. it had to be

ATTITUDE. So i got attitude,a nd i got hope, and i

went looking. There had to be a man out there for me.

Adn i found one. He loved me. He loved ME just the way

that i was, fat and chunky. he thoguth i was

beautiful. I had made it. i was a bride, a wife, a

mother at last of three beautiful kids.

And then.. He took it all away. He met someone at

work, who was younger, stupider, and now hes with her,

and two months after he moved out, shes pregnant. so

where do i go from here? I make good choices for

myself. I do good things. I take care of my kids, I

take care of myself, i do things that will take us

ahead in ways he never wanted to do. I celebrate my

curves here, and here, and here, all of them. I see a

woman who is going ahead and doing good things,

because whether or not there is a man out there for me

(and believe you me, ive already met some of them) I

am fine.. just the way i am.

I would say that if you dont love you, nobody's going

to. I didnt love me. When i started loveing me, i

started getting soem attention. I walked down the

street like i was goddess walking, I had attitude, and

when i started putting a high price on me, what i was

worth. guess what.. so did they. its all attitude.

Then you start doing good things for yourself, and

celebrate every good thing you do. you build yourself

up without tearing y ourself down, until you are that

person that you really want to be.

So.. who do you want to be?

Me, i want a college degree. i want a job in something

that i love. im going back to college, im getting that

degree and im going to be a librarian. Iwill be doing

something that i love, taking care of myself and my

kids.

i want to be healthy, so i am exercising, losing

weight so that my diabetes dissipates as much as

possible.

I want a house, so i am going to college, to get the

degree to get a job to get waht i want.

The big questions you ahve to ask is. .what do you

want?What makes you happy? What is best for YOU? When

you are doing all those things, you love yourself. If

you are stuck in a job you hate, you are going to hate

yourself for having to go there every day. When you

hate your surroundings, ditto. If your life is

overwhelmingly negative, you are going to be that way

also.

whether you are fat or not. That is just one more

problem that you have to deal with.

Okay, i will say just one more thing. When i started

losing weight, it affected me. I began to get more

confident, feeling that if i can do that, i can do

anything. I met a goal, and then anotehr goal, and i

began to feel that if THAT could be dealt with in

small pieces, maybe everything else could too. Maybe

that is a key for you also, maybe not. But i dont look

at myself and say " oh you fat pig, look at you, you

ate a brownie " . I say, " oh, good for you, you ate your

veggies today and drank your water, and had a really

good brownie. NOT three of them, A brownie. it was

only a freakin' brownie!! " and if i had three

brownies, in a pms fit or whatever (and that is,

happily, not happening much at all anymore) I can say,

again, positively-- " Okay, y ou had a bad day.

Tomorrow will be better. But you ate your veggies, you

drank y our water, and you walked some extra today to

try and do better, so good for y ou!! " The point is,

to not shy away from the bad things, but not to wallow

in them either. Okay, i will be quiet NOW.

christi