Re: My wife

[Guest guest]

Gosh, , you're in a dilemma. Your attitude is wonderful, but as you

readily acknowledge, your wife is playing mind-tapes in her head that are

self-defeating. I honestly don't know HOW to help you help her change her head

about this.

The first thing that comes to mind is that she needs, somehow, to take on her

weight-loss efforts as an individual, and NOT as half of you...nor as your

competitor. With this in mind, would she consider attending meetings? Alone?

Without YOU? With a different leader -- someone that SHE can relate to,

whether or not you do? She needs a leader who will help her clear the cobwebs

in

her mind; who will help her realize she is NOT on a diet. WW is NOT a diet, it

has no end, it is a lifestyle change. You know that.....but she needs to

discover it for herself. She needs to get into competition with herself, and

out

of competition with you. What do you think...is this doable? Will she try

it?

Here's another thought. Would she communicate with us here? With some of

us? With me? (I'm willing -- you can give her my email if you like.) With

someone else with whom she could develop a personal support system? I'm

thinking

she should keep her efforts quiet and to herself for a while. Otherwise,

anything she attempts might possibly pale in comparison to your own attempts.

I know you're a believer, . I assume your wife is too. Will her

faith help her at all in this?

My son and his wife have begun WW as a result of seeing my success. They eat

the same foods at the same meals, and for every 5 pounds he loses, she MIGHT

lose 1 !! It's normal, and she recognizes that. She works hard at trying not

to get frustrated about it, but it's an ongoing struggle for her! Maybe when

my son reaches goal and settles down, she can focus more on her own

journey. And maybe when YOU reach your goal, your wife will be able to settle

down and focus on her own journey. ??

Just my humble thoughts, .

Take care and hang in there, buddy! There has to be an answer to all this.

Bette

mousikos@...

[Guest guest]

Wow . I can imagine, no I know how frustrating this can be. Roy used

to be the same way. Now if you read any of my posts, you know that I'm kind

of a " rah rah let's go " type. Roy is the opposite. Oh, he is willing to try

things, but he's trepiditious and he, I hate to say, does like to complain.

So this time I knew it was going to have to be now or never. I also knew

that I was going to do it with or without him, BUT I would rather do it with

him. So we sat down and had a long talk. He did not understand how much his

complaining, when we'd exercise or eat right, got to me. I find it draining.

What would happen is we'd start a new program of exercise (walking every

night) and as soon as we'd do it he'd complain. So I'd " rah rah " him into

it. Then the next night, complain. I'd " rah " him into it. By about week two

I had run out of " rahs " and I'd end up just giving up because honestly, I

did not marry him to be his eternal cheerleader and it was draining!

(Ironically when we had counseling when we were first married that is

something that our pastor told Roy...that he had to learn how to find his

own motivation because while I loved him, I was going to wear out if I had

to be his motivation for things.)

So we sat down and had a long talk. I let him know that I really wanted to

do this, but it was going to have to mean a change in my attitude and I was

going to request that he not be negative about it. At that point I wasn't

sure it was going to work. I had over 100 pounds to lose and it felt

insurmountable. We made a deal. He promised to never complain when we went

out for our daily exercise. He promised not to tempt me with food that

wasn't on the program. He was really good, too! In the past we'd do well for

awhile and then he'd bring home Mcs and it would be " Oh shoot, he paid

for it. We'd better eat it. " But this time we had looked up the points for

everything in advance and we knew why we weren't going to eat such and so

ever again.

Recently he started complaining about running with me, and I finally sat him

down and reminded him how much I needed him to be supportive. If he didn't

want to run, that was fine, but don't get out on the run and start

complaining. I can't handle that. My positive attitude is a choice I make,

not something that is just natural. (I can be very negative, trust me.) So I

need to not have to fight my own inclination to want to not do something, or

give into something, AND someone else's flagging willpower.

The bottom line is, she's trying to make you responsible (even if she

doesn't realize it) for keeping her willpower going. She also sounds like

she's testing you a little bit. You need to let her know that while you want

her to stay on Wwers because you know she can find success, that her choice

is completely up to her. If she wants to go off, she can, BUT she cannot try

to take you with her. That's unfair to you. Ask her if she is willing to at

least support you in what you do. Don't ask you to eat a cookie if she knows

it's not in your plan. Don't ask you to bring food home for her. Roy

actually doesn't follow the program nearly as stringently as I do and I just

let it go. BUT, he doesn't bring me in on it at all. HE has a candy bar a

week, for example. I never know about it. He just eats it away from home so

I'm not tempted at all, nor does he feel judged.

At the least, talk to her about how attitude is a choice and what she really

WANTS out of this. Explain to her that what you need from her is positive

talk. She's not going to find success, honestly, until she finds a new

attitude. She may not be ready for that yet, but it is totally fair for you

to say " Can you please not make negative comments about exercising? You

don't have to come, but please support me by staying positive. " She probably

has no idea the impact she's having on you.

[Guest guest]

I have the same situation with my husband. Only I could care less about his

looks - he's a cutie at any weight. He has diabetes and that's why he has to

be OP. I have not gotten OFF program myself and have maintained my weight

for several months now, with faithfully journalling, using the 10 tools for

living, exercising etc. DH exercises daily but he cheats cheats cheats.

Sweets. Worst thing for a diabetic.

You have to move slowly. First of all, if your wife is not ill, it's almost

best to set an example and avoid intervention if you can. After a while,

they come to their own conclusion. Each person has to do their own thing

and I think the spouse should ONLY intervene if there is a health issue

there. Secondly if she IS ill (like my DH) then you might have to

intervene. It has to be done so so carefully because it's really easy to

fall into the nag mode and really turn them off. It's much better to let WW

do the intervening. My DH is a lifetime member but has regained all but 5

lbs from his original weight so I require he goes to the WW meeting once a

week. Meetings are powerful and often enough to motivate someone. If your

wife (or you) has a difficult time exercising, do it together.

If she goes off program you do not have to join her. If you are having a

hard time NOT joining her, you need to make sure you are attending

meetings... you can attend more than one a week if you need to do so. Also

use the 10 tools for living, principally " switching " and " reframing " to help

YOU stay away from the foods she cheats with. If you do not nag her but she

sees you able to switch unhealthy foods for good foods, she might follow

along. She might not. My DH has a bad attitude about dieting. I let his

sugar levels tell the story. If he gains but can keep his sugar levels down

to normal, I'm pretty happy. I notice however that after a few weeks of

attending a meeting weekly, he's back OP. Meetings are so powerful....

The WW tool is: meetings (weekly), journalling and the 10 tools for living.

You need all three!

Good luck.. this too, will pass and you are not alone!

Sue

My wife

> I'm pretty worried about my wife, and I'd appreciate any thoughts or

> suggestions.

>

> We've been on this WW thing for quite awhile, with varying degrees of

> seriousness. I'm back on it, as serious as I can be, but 's been

> having a very hard time with it. She hasn't had much luck losing weight

> in the past, and I think she's really starting to burn out. She refers to

> being on Weight Watchers as being on " permanent diet mode " , keeps talking

> about how she misses certain foods, and talks about regular exercise as

> " that thing we're condemned to do daily for the rest of our lives " . I'm

> finding that it's getting easier and easier for me to eat right and get

> into the right frame of mind and even enjoy the whole process, but

> can't seem to get there. Today she got it into her head that she

> really wants a big, huge chocolate chip cookie, the kind only available at

> a bakery, and wants me to get one with her. I don't have the points for a

> cookie, not even with FP's, and I'd much rather save the points I have for

> sushi with our friend tonight and ice cream later on.

>

> I'm feeling pretty guilty, I guess. I know that is uncomfortable

> with her weight, and I worry that it's affecting her self-esteem. I think

> she's beautiful and pretty darn spiffy. I don't expect her to change on

> my behalf but I'd like her to be happy with herself (for many reasons,

> including the fact that I find that self confidence can be a hell of a lot

> sexier than a trim figure any day of the week).

>

> I have to lose weight for a variety of health-related reasons, and I'm

> trying very hard to get into a positive mindset about it, so I can't

> really go along with her when she decides to go off-program, tempting

> though it may be from time to time. Not any more.

>

> So I'm trying to figure out how to be supportive for her when she's having

> so much difficulty, and I'm not sure I know how. If anyone has any ideas,

> I would be incredibly grateful to hear them.

>

>

>

> --

> Sláinte,

> S. Crawford (AIM: Buffalo2K)

> http://www.mossroot.com http://www.stonegoose.com/catseyeview

> " You cannot trust your judgement if your imagination is out of focus. "

> --Mark Twain

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

Hi , I was reading the feedbacks to your post and you have

been given some really good advice. That was a very powerful, honest

post you have written to the group.. Now, I think needs to

read it. Print it off and pass it to her if you need to. I think you

have probably written everything here you would like to say to her.

Sometimes when we talk to each other, we never *hear* each other at

all. I am just about positive that she does not really want to

sabatoge your weight loss efforts, but rather this talk is all about

herself. Sometimes we just get so darn frustrated with ourselves

because things arent happening as we want them to, that we take it

out on the one we love.. and in the heat of the moment, probably

think we mean it.. and you can be darn sure that it sounds like it..

give her some space for a bit, and then see what happens.. She just

may make the turn around sooner than later...I hope!!

If she opens up and wants to talk, all the better. But it is just

about impossible to help someone get on track when they are just not

ready. She needs to want it as badly. You say that she has not had

much luck in losing the weight, makes me wonder if she has put 100 %

into it... the journalling, measuring, weighing, all so important to

make this work... If she could just pretend it is day one all over

again, and go from there, BUT no cheating, or fudging her points,

portions, etc..it has to be done whole heartdly.. Getting into that

right frame of mind can sometimes take forever, but she must never

give up, only by giving up will she not win this battle..

It can be so much easier when you have your partner losing their

weight right along with you... and most women lose slower than men.

Asking you to take your weight loss efforts less seriously is wrong..

you *need* to get this straight with her. Keep supporting her when

she needs it, and hopefully things will fall into place before it

gets too hard to go back... She is so lucky to have such a supportive

husband and I can understand your frustration in watching her lose it

day by day. But it is up to her in the end, and you need to look

after you....

Anyway I sure wish you both the best, and I hope can get

back on track soon.....

~~Kallie~

[Guest guest]

I'm

finding that it's getting easier and easier for me to eat right and get

into the right frame of mind and even enjoy the whole process, but

can't seem to get there.

: I have read the other posts & everyone has given good advice.. . . .

..now, I want to suggest something

else that no one has.

Talk to your wife & ask for her support on your behalf, as it is for health

related reasons, BUT Don't mention

anything about her weight! Yes, you heard me right.

I say this because ever since I was a child there has always been someone

speaking at me about losing weight and in the

process, I have found it makes me feel 'they' didn't accept me unconditionally,

didn't love me unconditionally, but were always wanting me to change for them.

Give time, let her see you doing well on WW & when the time is right,

she will do what she needs to - or wants to.

For now, give her space & understanding. Tell her how you find her self

confidence very sexy, how much you love and value her, etc., - - - - but that

you need HER help right now in succeeding & her encouragement and let her know

how VERY much you need her RIGHT now!

As Tory wrote once, when we have children & love them, there isn't anything we

wouldn't do for them. I bet your wife will be the same way with you, especially

if you let her know how much you need her in your life, her help, her love, etc.

etc.

Good luck,

Sharon H.

I'm feeling pretty guilty, I guess. I know that is uncomfortable

with her weight, and I worry that it's affecting her self-esteem. I think

she's beautiful and pretty darn spiffy. I don't expect her to change on

my behalf but I'd like her to be happy with herself (for many reasons,

including the fact that I find that self confidence can be a hell of a lot

sexier than a trim figure any day of the week).

I have to lose weight for a variety of health-related reasons, and I'm

trying very hard to get into a positive mindset about it, so I can't

really go along with her when she decides to go off-program, tempting

though it may be from time to time. Not any more.

So I'm trying to figure out how to be supportive for her when she's having

so much difficulty, and I'm not sure I know how. If anyone has any ideas,

I would be incredibly grateful to hear them.

--

Sláinte,

S. Crawford (AIM: Buffalo2K)

http://www.mossroot.com http://www.stonegoose.com/catseyeview

" You cannot trust your judgement if your imagination is out of focus. "

--Mark Twain

[Guest guest]

I wonder if you doing some of the cooking/meal planning might help? I am really

bad at meal planning and sure wish my dh would help me. Also maybe if you make

the excersise fun, it does not always have to be a chore. If you have kids you

could play tag out in the yard or go swimming as a family, or go to the beach

and walk etc. Or find some good recipes on the web for her enjoyment. Or plan

your meals each day so she can have some 'junk' foods in her diet, she just

needs to plan for it.

Hope this helps,

Moe

[Guest guest]

Hi JB...thank you for sharing your story...what a beautiful relationship you

had with your wife and what a wonderful family you have one we all dream of and

yearn for..i am sorry you had so called friends who let you down....and that you

and your children had to see your wife suffer....the love you have for her and

your family shines thru your story...hang on to the wonderful many memories you

must have....hugs to you and your family..take care kassy

__________________________________________________

[Guest guest]

Hi JB...thank you for sharing your story...what a beautiful relationship you

had with your wife and what a wonderful family you have one we all dream of and

yearn for..i am sorry you had so called friends who let you down....and that you

and your children had to see your wife suffer....the love you have for her and

your family shines thru your story...hang on to the wonderful many memories you

must have....hugs to you and your family..take care kassy

__________________________________________________