Re: Home and in need to vent...

[Guest guest]

Hey, ,

I'm right there with you. I think I have more of a hard time with depression

right now after all treatment (almost 5 weeks now) is over than during. I

suspect those who are done like us will tell us its normal. With treatment, we

had a plan, we finished the plan, but our body has not kept up. It will take

some time. Not an over night thing. I, too, have the all over body aches and

pains (feel like I've run a race without any training -- muscles hurt). Still

have the needles and pins in my hands and feet and occasionally upset stomach.

But, I do see some improvement. Thank goodness CHOCOLATE tastes good to me now.

At some point, I'll have to curb that and get to losing the 10-20 pounds I've

gained, plus more. But right now, I let my body tell me what to do... push a

little farther and then give in.

You aren't alone, just remember that.

Barb R.

Michigan

Home and in need to vent...

I am home now. Actually have been for a few weeks, but I have been very

reclusive.

Now I am back to work and trying to get back to my new activities. Trying is

the right word, I guess.

For those who do not know, my stats are:

Dx: 12/2005, IDC, stage IIb, 2.3 cm, grade 2, 2 nodes out of 13; ER/PR+ and

HER-2 neg.

Surgery: quadrantectomy left breast (free margins) with immediate

reconstruction and right breast for simmetry, on 01/31/2006;

Chemo: 4A/C and then 3 Taxol/1Taxotere every 2 weeks with 10 shots of

filgrastim, done on 06/13/2006.

Radio: 26 sessions plus 9 boosters, total of 35 sessions, done 08/31/2006

Zoladex since Feb, but I won't take it anymore;

Tamoxifen since 10/01/2006.

38 years old, married, no kids.

No family history, no group risk except for not having kids.

First check up las week and everything is fine.

Wow! It is a lot when put in writing.

The fact is, I do not feel good at all. I am wondering, now the bad part of

treatment is over, if now isn't the hardest part. At least for me. It surely

feels like.

I hate to be complaining and whining, specially after I read so many emails

from women that have a good and positive atittude and with more complicated

situations than mine. I actually feel ashamed of feeling so down. But I can't

help it.

I feel sore all over, my joints and muscles hurt (and the onc says it has

nothing to do with the chemo, yeah right!),I am overweight and my muscle mass

has decreased a lot. I am still swollen with liquid retention. I used to be so

in shape! This chemopause sucks! I have hot flashes 14 times a day, among other

things. At least this will get better since I am off Zoladex.

And the fertility issue is worse for me now. I think now that the heavy

treatment is over and I want to get on with my life, I see I cannot actually

move on. I feel trapped in this 5 years waiting period. I cannot even look at

pregnant women or at babies, children that I just begin crying. I waited and

planned my whole life for this and now.I am having a lot of difficulties dealing

with the idea that I won't be able to birth my kids.

So, in a way, life is tougher now. During the treatment I did think about

those things, but since there were more pressing thing to handle, it didn't hurt

as much as now. But now. when I think about what will become of all this

preparation, this desire and dream, I feel a physical pain, I feel like I cannot

breath. I just don't know how I will get over this. Many people say I can adopt,

but this is not the issue. Besides being complicated here and beaurocratic, what

about the pregnancy and all the feelings and emotions and bonding it carries?

What about the dreams of myself pregnant, what about the child that would be

part of me and the man I love? I wanted it all, and I still cannot accept that

this won't happen.

So, it comes to me a lot if all this hardship I endured was worth it.

Sometimes I just wish I hadn't done anything. I had almost no fear of the

disease itself, now I am afraid of what it will bring to my life.

I feel so empty now and I still have to keep putting a face for all the people

that know and care about me. And I feel very lonely. And ashamed for feeling

like this.

Anyone is going thru feelings like those?

Anyway, I am sorry for venting and sorry for the depressed mood I am in now.

Hugs

---------------------------------

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[Guest guest]

,

Don't apologize for feeling depressed. A lot of us go through that. Why not ask

your dr for some antidepressants to get you through this tough time.

Our daughter had to have a hysterectomy before she was 30. She too dreamed of

having children of her own. God had other plans. All the sadness she experienced

because she could not conceive, went away the minute Peyton was brought off of

the plane and placed in her arms. I will keep you in my prayers.

Hugs

nne

Breast Cancer Patients Soul Mates for Life

http://www.geocities.com/chucky5741/breastcancerpatients.html

BreastCancerStories.com

http://www.breastcancerstories.com/content/view/433/161/

Angel Feather Loomer

www.angelfeatherloomer.blogspot.com

Check out my other ornaments at

www.geocities.com/chucky5741/bcornament.html

Lots of info and gifts at:

www.cancerclub.com

Home and in need to vent...

I am home now. Actually have been for a few weeks, but I have been very

reclusive.

Now I am back to work and trying to get back to my new activities. Trying is

the right word, I guess.

For those who do not know, my stats are:

Dx: 12/2005, IDC, stage IIb, 2.3 cm, grade 2, 2 nodes out of 13; ER/PR+ and

HER-2 neg.

Surgery: quadrantectomy left breast (free margins) with immediate

reconstruction and right breast for simmetry, on 01/31/2006;

Chemo: 4A/C and then 3 Taxol/1Taxotere every 2 weeks with 10 shots of

filgrastim, done on 06/13/2006.

Radio: 26 sessions plus 9 boosters, total of 35 sessions, done 08/31/2006

Zoladex since Feb, but I won't take it anymore;

Tamoxifen since 10/01/2006.

38 years old, married, no kids.

No family history, no group risk except for not having kids.

First check up las week and everything is fine.

Wow! It is a lot when put in writing.

The fact is, I do not feel good at all. I am wondering, now the bad part of

treatment is over, if now isn't the hardest part. At least for me. It surely

feels like.

I hate to be complaining and whining, specially after I read so many emails

from women that have a good and positive atittude and with more complicated

situations than mine. I actually feel ashamed of feeling so down. But I can't

help it.

I feel sore all over, my joints and muscles hurt (and the onc says it has

nothing to do with the chemo, yeah right!),I am overweight and my muscle mass

has decreased a lot. I am still swollen with liquid retention. I used to be so

in shape! This chemopause sucks! I have hot flashes 14 times a day, among other

things. At least this will get better since I am off Zoladex.

And the fertility issue is worse for me now. I think now that the heavy

treatment is over and I want to get on with my life, I see I cannot actually

move on. I feel trapped in this 5 years waiting period. I cannot even look at

pregnant women or at babies, children that I just begin crying. I waited and

planned my whole life for this and now.I am having a lot of difficulties dealing

with the idea that I won't be able to birth my kids.

So, in a way, life is tougher now. During the treatment I did think about

those things, but since there were more pressing thing to handle, it didn't hurt

as much as now. But now. when I think about what will become of all this

preparation, this desire and dream, I feel a physical pain, I feel like I cannot

breath. I just don't know how I will get over this. Many people say I can adopt,

but this is not the issue. Besides being complicated here and beaurocratic, what

about the pregnancy and all the feelings and emotions and bonding it carries?

What about the dreams of myself pregnant, what about the child that would be

part of me and the man I love? I wanted it all, and I still cannot accept that

this won't happen.

So, it comes to me a lot if all this hardship I endured was worth it.

Sometimes I just wish I hadn't done anything. I had almost no fear of the

disease itself, now I am afraid of what it will bring to my life.

I feel so empty now and I still have to keep putting a face for all the people

that know and care about me. And I feel very lonely. And ashamed for feeling

like this.

Anyone is going thru feelings like those?

Anyway, I am sorry for venting and sorry for the depressed mood I am in now.

Hugs

---------------------------------

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[Guest guest]

Hi ,

You are the same age as my daughter. She is now at increased risk of

BC cause of her Mom. So far all is well, but you two share the same

desire to be a mother. She is not married and has been seeing a

comittment phobic for the last 9 years. Jeese, he had the nerve to

call me Mom, the brat!! She has decided to take the bull by the horns

and is going to adopt a baby from China. It will be a little girl as

in Chinese culture the boys are the valued ones and the girls are

often abandoned and end up in orphanages. She will be a wonderful

mother. We are planning on helping her with the expenses. So she is

going to make her dream come true and as a bonus I get to be a

grandma, and what a grandma I will be! God bless, sweetie, this

breast cancer is a real bitch especially in one so young. You have

been through so much, it is now time to give your body and soul a

chane to heal. Get what ever help you need and feel comfortable with.

I am seeing a therapist as in addition to the cancer, I had to deal

with idiot siblings. We each go through all of this in our own way.

There is no right or wrong way to do it, just what feels right for us.

A Mom Hug from

Ruth

>

> I am home now. Actually have been for a few weeks, but I have been

very reclusive.

> Now I am back to work and trying to get back to my new activities.

Trying is the right word, I guess.

> For those who do not know, my stats are:

> Dx: 12/2005, IDC, stage IIb, 2.3 cm, grade 2, 2 nodes out of 13;

ER/PR+ and HER-2 neg.

> Surgery: quadrantectomy left breast (free margins) with immediate

reconstruction and right breast for simmetry, on 01/31/2006;

> Chemo: 4A/C and then 3 Taxol/1Taxotere every 2 weeks with 10 shots

of filgrastim, done on 06/13/2006.

> Radio: 26 sessions plus 9 boosters, total of 35 sessions, done

08/31/2006

> Zoladex since Feb, but I won't take it anymore;

> Tamoxifen since 10/01/2006.

> 38 years old, married, no kids.

> No family history, no group risk except for not having kids.

> First check up las week and everything is fine.

>

> Wow! It is a lot when put in writing.

> The fact is, I do not feel good at all. I am wondering, now the

bad part of treatment is over, if now isn't the hardest part. At least

for me. It surely feels like.

> I hate to be complaining and whining, specially after I read so

many emails from women that have a good and positive atittude and with

more complicated situations than mine. I actually feel ashamed of

feeling so down. But I can't help it.

> I feel sore all over, my joints and muscles hurt (and the onc says

it has nothing to do with the chemo, yeah right!),I am overweight and

my muscle mass has decreased a lot. I am still swollen with liquid

retention. I used to be so in shape! This chemopause sucks! I have hot

flashes 14 times a day, among other things. At least this will get

better since I am off Zoladex.

> And the fertility issue is worse for me now. I think now that the

heavy treatment is over and I want to get on with my life, I see I

cannot actually move on. I feel trapped in this 5 years waiting

period. I cannot even look at pregnant women or at babies, children

that I just begin crying. I waited and planned my whole life for this

and now…I am having a lot of difficulties dealing with the idea that I

won't be able to birth my kids.

> So, in a way, life is tougher now. During the treatment I did

think about those things, but since there were more pressing thing to

handle, it didn't hurt as much as now. But now… when I think about

what will become of all this preparation, this desire and dream, I

feel a physical pain, I feel like I cannot breath. I just don't know

how I will get over this. Many people say I can adopt, but this is not

the issue. Besides being complicated here and beaurocratic, what about

the pregnancy and all the feelings and emotions and bonding it

carries? What about the dreams of myself pregnant, what about the

child that would be part of me and the man I love? I wanted it all,

and I still cannot accept that this won't happen.

> So, it comes to me a lot if all this hardship I endured was worth

it. Sometimes I just wish I hadn't done anything. I had almost no fear

of the disease itself, now I am afraid of what it will bring to my life.

> I feel so empty now and I still have to keep putting a face for

all the people that know and care about me. And I feel very lonely.

And ashamed for feeling like this.

> Anyone is going thru feelings like those?

> Anyway, I am sorry for venting and sorry for the depressed mood I

am in now.

> Hugs

>

>

>

>

> ---------------------------------

> How low will we go? Check out Yahoo! Messenger's low PC-to-Phone

call rates.

>

>

[Guest guest]

Dear ,

The feelings you have about infertility are perfectly normal. I dealt with

infertility for years (and the feelings that you described) before the bc.

There are some very good support groups over the internet, or joining a local

group also helps. Just because your infertility if bc related, does not mean

that the infertility itself is not a huge issue. Take time and allow yourself

to grieve.

As far as the physical pain and things go, all I can do is empathize. I'm 3

week post-op (partial mastectomy) and just saw my surgeon yesterday because of

the lingering skin and nipple pain (not where the incision is!) - he was

baffled. I guess some of us just don't have bodies that fit the text books.

Hang in there - you are not alone,

[Guest guest]

>

> Dear ,

>

> The feelings you have about infertility are perfectly normal. I

dealt with infertility for years (and the feelings that you described)

before the bc. There are some very good support groups over the

internet, or joining a local group also helps. Just because your

infertility if bc related, does not mean that the infertility itself

is not a huge issue. Take time and allow yourself to grieve.

>

> As far as the physical pain and things go, all I can do is

empathize. I'm 3 week post-op (partial mastectomy) and just saw my

surgeon yesterday because of the lingering skin and nipple pain (not

where the incision is!) - he was baffled. I guess some of us just

don't have bodies that fit the text books.

>

> Hang in there - you are not alone,

>

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

>

> Dear ,

>

> The feelings you have about infertility are perfectly normal. I

dealt with infertility for years (and the feelings that you described)

before the bc. There are some very good support groups over the

internet, or joining a local group also helps. Just because your

infertility if bc related, does not mean that the infertility itself

is not a huge issue. Take time and allow yourself to grieve.

>

> As far as the physical pain and things go, all I can do is

empathize. I'm 3 week post-op (partial mastectomy) and just saw my

surgeon yesterday because of the lingering skin and nipple pain (not

where the incision is!) - he was baffled. I guess some of us just

don't have bodies that fit the text books.

>

> Hang in there - you are not alone,

>

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

>

> Dear ,

>

> The feelings you have about infertility are perfectly normal. I

dealt with infertility for years (and the feelings that you described)

before the bc. There are some very good support groups over the

internet, or joining a local group also helps. Just because your

infertility if bc related, does not mean that the infertility itself

is not a huge issue. Take time and allow yourself to grieve.

>

> As far as the physical pain and things go, all I can do is

empathize. I'm 3 week post-op (partial mastectomy) and just saw my

surgeon yesterday because of the lingering skin and nipple pain (not

where the incision is!) - he was baffled. I guess some of us just

don't have bodies that fit the text books.

>

> Hang in there - you are not alone,

>

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

,

Oh Jeez I know how you feel. Since finishing chemo in November of last year I

have been feeling steadily better but there are so many times you just feel

chemo'd again and again. You cry you get upset thinking, " am I sick still, or

again? " Why, I've been through hell already, enough!!!

I have no kids, I was misdiagnosed at 31 just barely turned 31, and it took 4

more years till something got done.

Don't beat yourself up for whining, feeling bad, complaining..... The way I

look at is, if it comes back we'll be better equipped to handle it the 2nd time

around. Now we get to complain. We are dealing with something most people

cannot comprehend. Don't feel guilty and DO NOT worry about what THEY are going

through, they are worried for you and for good reason but please love yourself

enough to allow yourself to be in the moment and grieve. It will pass and

someday soon just be a memory. Allow the process to unfold. Allow yourself

time to heal, because it's going to be awhile. The doctors don't know shit. I

am an athletic above average healthy eater and I STILL have fatigue where I need

to go to bed in the afternoon and not get up again until the next day. I

finished chemo 11 months ago 2 days ago. I look really good and nobody would

know I was ever grayish and underweight looking like death. But I still have

days where I have no energy and the docors say,

" But your blood looks great!!! " There is alot we have to take responsibility

for. Eat well my friend, it is crucial.

I have always wanted children and have come to feel that if it isn't in the

cards, that's fine, and I'm not mad at people who suggest adoption, if you were

to adopt you would love that child no less. There is a bit of selfishness in us

who only want " our own " . I understand and sympathize with wanting your own but

maybe I can't have my own anymore because the chemo came and took that away.

That's life, and I personally am grateful I have my life at all. Giving back

can be done in many ways, raising children is only one. We live in an

overpopulated world as it is, and there are so many little ones who need love.

Your health is number 1 . Number one, you are number one. Take care of

yourself. Tell yourself good things, our inner dialog is reality more than

anything that goes on out there. Eat very well, organic raw foods. You will

feel and look fabulous. People will tell you so. The taxol f-ed me up. My

legs cramped for months afterwards. You are probably lacking in minerals like

magnesium and iron and calcium. You need to detox ASAP. I did coffee enemas

throughout my dose-dense hell of AC then Taxol and they HELPED. I still do them

and my skin looks amazing. Boil 3 tablespoons of organic drip grind coffee in

32 OZ's of pure water for 5 minutes, then simmer for 15. Cool, then strain and

put into an enema bag and insert then hold it in (try for 10-15 minutes, then

release). This saved my life. My boyfriend even does them now, because of what

he saw happen to me. It's the quickest way to detox your liver. I watched my

symptoms disappear before my eyes. Do

you want to have power over your pain and health? Because I did and I did

something about it. Your future health is in your hands.

I signed up with this website today because I have been feeling so lost since

it " ended " . I cry every day. No one understands what we go through unless they

have been there too. But, there are so many of us and we are out there trying

to connect and for that I am relieved because that means we are not alone even

though it seems that way. Right now I am upset. I don't know how many years

will have to pass before I get used to the idea of not having to think about it

everyday. On the upside, It's a wonderful thing to feel your body getting

stronger. I am a very physical person and missed the freedom of bodily

strength. I am taking dance again and swim several times a week. Use your

body, it will love you for it.

Hug yourself, cry, sing, laugh and talk it out. You have thousands of sisters

out here who want to share and help because we know what you are going through.

I need the support too which is why I have rambled on and on....

It's okay, it's going to be okay, a with a big hug

[Guest guest]

Hi ,

You have no idea, ok I am sure you do, how important this group and your

support is to me.

I am so glad I have you ladies to count on.

Taxol was really bad for me. And I took L-glutamin to help out and it did. I

am planning to give it another shot. I am back to the gym, slowly, and I am

seeing a therapist. I just don't know if it is helping much. I guess I need to

try more time and take baby steps right?

Thank you

wrote:

Hi ,

thanks for checking in with us and letting us know what's going on with

you. You've been through alot. Don't compare yourself to other women

having more/less complicated situations. Each one of us is on her own

journey, and we're here to support you. I've heard taxol can cause joint

& muscle pain, and some women swear by Glucosamine. It takes at least a

year to recover from chemo and surgeries, so give yourself some time.

, I can't imagine all the emotions you're going through regarding

your desire for a family. Your sadness and anger is understandable. You

sound like you have alot of love to give a child, and it will happen

some day, though perhaps not the way you originally planned.

Even though treatment sucks, it allows you to be here and envision a

future. I'm sure your husband is glad you went through it, and would

rather have you around to have a family with him.

Do you think therapy would help? You have alot to work through, and

maybe someone outside of your family and friends would be good to talk

to. And please keep venting to us. That's what we're here for.

take care,

---------------------------------

All-new Yahoo! Mail - Fire up a more powerful email and get things done faster.

[Guest guest]

Hi ,

You have no idea, ok I am sure you do, how important this group and your

support is to me.

I am so glad I have you ladies to count on.

Taxol was really bad for me. And I took L-glutamin to help out and it did. I

am planning to give it another shot. I am back to the gym, slowly, and I am

seeing a therapist. I just don't know if it is helping much. I guess I need to

try more time and take baby steps right?

Thank you

wrote:

Hi ,

thanks for checking in with us and letting us know what's going on with

you. You've been through alot. Don't compare yourself to other women

having more/less complicated situations. Each one of us is on her own

journey, and we're here to support you. I've heard taxol can cause joint

& muscle pain, and some women swear by Glucosamine. It takes at least a

year to recover from chemo and surgeries, so give yourself some time.

, I can't imagine all the emotions you're going through regarding

your desire for a family. Your sadness and anger is understandable. You

sound like you have alot of love to give a child, and it will happen

some day, though perhaps not the way you originally planned.

Even though treatment sucks, it allows you to be here and envision a

future. I'm sure your husband is glad you went through it, and would

rather have you around to have a family with him.

Do you think therapy would help? You have alot to work through, and

maybe someone outside of your family and friends would be good to talk

to. And please keep venting to us. That's what we're here for.

take care,

---------------------------------

All-new Yahoo! Mail - Fire up a more powerful email and get things done faster.

[Guest guest]

Hi ,

You have no idea, ok I am sure you do, how important this group and your

support is to me.

I am so glad I have you ladies to count on.

Taxol was really bad for me. And I took L-glutamin to help out and it did. I

am planning to give it another shot. I am back to the gym, slowly, and I am

seeing a therapist. I just don't know if it is helping much. I guess I need to

try more time and take baby steps right?

Thank you

wrote:

Hi ,

thanks for checking in with us and letting us know what's going on with

you. You've been through alot. Don't compare yourself to other women

having more/less complicated situations. Each one of us is on her own

journey, and we're here to support you. I've heard taxol can cause joint

& muscle pain, and some women swear by Glucosamine. It takes at least a

year to recover from chemo and surgeries, so give yourself some time.

, I can't imagine all the emotions you're going through regarding

your desire for a family. Your sadness and anger is understandable. You

sound like you have alot of love to give a child, and it will happen

some day, though perhaps not the way you originally planned.

Even though treatment sucks, it allows you to be here and envision a

future. I'm sure your husband is glad you went through it, and would

rather have you around to have a family with him.

Do you think therapy would help? You have alot to work through, and

maybe someone outside of your family and friends would be good to talk

to. And please keep venting to us. That's what we're here for.

take care,

---------------------------------

All-new Yahoo! Mail - Fire up a more powerful email and get things done faster.

[Guest guest]

Hi Barb,

It looks like we are at the same point on treatment.

Exactly!! I feel exactly like this, it seems harder now.And not only my body

hasn't kept up, but also I lost my bearings. My plans got all changed and I

don't know in what direction to go now.

Chocolate... oh....! I cut it out of my life for know. I am determined to get

this 22 pounds off. I was so depressed when I tried my dresses for a wedding

next week and none fit! Not a single one. So, enough of this and now I am on a

diet and back to the gym. Slowly, of course.

You guys are great.

Thanks

Barb Roy wrote:

Hey, ,

I'm right there with you. I think I have more of a hard time with depression

right now after all treatment (almost 5 weeks now) is over than during. I

suspect those who are done like us will tell us its normal. With treatment, we

had a plan, we finished the plan, but our body has not kept up. It will take

some time. Not an over night thing. I, too, have the all over body aches and

pains (feel like I've run a race without any training -- muscles hurt). Still

have the needles and pins in my hands and feet and occasionally upset stomach.

But, I do see some improvement. Thank goodness CHOCOLATE tastes good to me now.

At some point, I'll have to curb that and get to losing the 10-20 pounds I've

gained, plus more. But right now, I let my body tell me what to do... push a

little farther and then give in.

You aren't alone, just remember that.

Barb R.

Michigan

Home and in need to vent...

I am home now. Actually have been for a few weeks, but I have been very

reclusive.

Now I am back to work and trying to get back to my new activities. Trying is the

right word, I guess.

For those who do not know, my stats are:

Dx: 12/2005, IDC, stage IIb, 2.3 cm, grade 2, 2 nodes out of 13; ER/PR+ and

HER-2 neg.

Surgery: quadrantectomy left breast (free margins) with immediate reconstruction

and right breast for simmetry, on 01/31/2006;

Chemo: 4A/C and then 3 Taxol/1Taxotere every 2 weeks with 10 shots of

filgrastim, done on 06/13/2006.

Radio: 26 sessions plus 9 boosters, total of 35 sessions, done 08/31/2006

Zoladex since Feb, but I won't take it anymore;

Tamoxifen since 10/01/2006.

38 years old, married, no kids.

No family history, no group risk except for not having kids.

First check up las week and everything is fine.

Wow! It is a lot when put in writing.

The fact is, I do not feel good at all. I am wondering, now the bad part of

treatment is over, if now isn't the hardest part. At least for me. It surely

feels like.

I hate to be complaining and whining, specially after I read so many emails from

women that have a good and positive atittude and with more complicated

situations than mine. I actually feel ashamed of feeling so down. But I can't

help it.

I feel sore all over, my joints and muscles hurt (and the onc says it has

nothing to do with the chemo, yeah right!),I am overweight and my muscle mass

has decreased a lot. I am still swollen with liquid retention. I used to be so

in shape! This chemopause sucks! I have hot flashes 14 times a day, among other

things. At least this will get better since I am off Zoladex.

And the fertility issue is worse for me now. I think now that the heavy

treatment is over and I want to get on with my life, I see I cannot actually

move on. I feel trapped in this 5 years waiting period. I cannot even look at

pregnant women or at babies, children that I just begin crying. I waited and

planned my whole life for this and now.I am having a lot of difficulties dealing

with the idea that I won't be able to birth my kids.

So, in a way, life is tougher now. During the treatment I did think about those

things, but since there were more pressing thing to handle, it didn't hurt as

much as now. But now. when I think about what will become of all this

preparation, this desire and dream, I feel a physical pain, I feel like I cannot

breath. I just don't know how I will get over this. Many people say I can adopt,

but this is not the issue. Besides being complicated here and beaurocratic, what

about the pregnancy and all the feelings and emotions and bonding it carries?

What about the dreams of myself pregnant, what about the child that would be

part of me and the man I love? I wanted it all, and I still cannot accept that

this won't happen.

So, it comes to me a lot if all this hardship I endured was worth it. Sometimes

I just wish I hadn't done anything. I had almost no fear of the disease itself,

now I am afraid of what it will bring to my life.

I feel so empty now and I still have to keep putting a face for all the people

that know and care about me. And I feel very lonely. And ashamed for feeling

like this.

Anyone is going thru feelings like those?

Anyway, I am sorry for venting and sorry for the depressed mood I am in now.

Hugs

---------------------------------

How low will we go? Check out Yahoo! Messenger's low PC-to-Phone call rates.

[Guest guest]

Hi Barb,

It looks like we are at the same point on treatment.

Exactly!! I feel exactly like this, it seems harder now.And not only my body

hasn't kept up, but also I lost my bearings. My plans got all changed and I

don't know in what direction to go now.

Chocolate... oh....! I cut it out of my life for know. I am determined to get

this 22 pounds off. I was so depressed when I tried my dresses for a wedding

next week and none fit! Not a single one. So, enough of this and now I am on a

diet and back to the gym. Slowly, of course.

You guys are great.

Thanks

Barb Roy wrote:

Hey, ,

I'm right there with you. I think I have more of a hard time with depression

right now after all treatment (almost 5 weeks now) is over than during. I

suspect those who are done like us will tell us its normal. With treatment, we

had a plan, we finished the plan, but our body has not kept up. It will take

some time. Not an over night thing. I, too, have the all over body aches and

pains (feel like I've run a race without any training -- muscles hurt). Still

have the needles and pins in my hands and feet and occasionally upset stomach.

But, I do see some improvement. Thank goodness CHOCOLATE tastes good to me now.

At some point, I'll have to curb that and get to losing the 10-20 pounds I've

gained, plus more. But right now, I let my body tell me what to do... push a

little farther and then give in.

You aren't alone, just remember that.

Barb R.

Michigan

Home and in need to vent...

I am home now. Actually have been for a few weeks, but I have been very

reclusive.

Now I am back to work and trying to get back to my new activities. Trying is the

right word, I guess.

For those who do not know, my stats are:

Dx: 12/2005, IDC, stage IIb, 2.3 cm, grade 2, 2 nodes out of 13; ER/PR+ and

HER-2 neg.

Surgery: quadrantectomy left breast (free margins) with immediate reconstruction

and right breast for simmetry, on 01/31/2006;

Chemo: 4A/C and then 3 Taxol/1Taxotere every 2 weeks with 10 shots of

filgrastim, done on 06/13/2006.

Radio: 26 sessions plus 9 boosters, total of 35 sessions, done 08/31/2006

Zoladex since Feb, but I won't take it anymore;

Tamoxifen since 10/01/2006.

38 years old, married, no kids.

No family history, no group risk except for not having kids.

First check up las week and everything is fine.

Wow! It is a lot when put in writing.

The fact is, I do not feel good at all. I am wondering, now the bad part of

treatment is over, if now isn't the hardest part. At least for me. It surely

feels like.

I hate to be complaining and whining, specially after I read so many emails from

women that have a good and positive atittude and with more complicated

situations than mine. I actually feel ashamed of feeling so down. But I can't

help it.

I feel sore all over, my joints and muscles hurt (and the onc says it has

nothing to do with the chemo, yeah right!),I am overweight and my muscle mass

has decreased a lot. I am still swollen with liquid retention. I used to be so

in shape! This chemopause sucks! I have hot flashes 14 times a day, among other

things. At least this will get better since I am off Zoladex.

And the fertility issue is worse for me now. I think now that the heavy

treatment is over and I want to get on with my life, I see I cannot actually

move on. I feel trapped in this 5 years waiting period. I cannot even look at

pregnant women or at babies, children that I just begin crying. I waited and

planned my whole life for this and now.I am having a lot of difficulties dealing

with the idea that I won't be able to birth my kids.

So, in a way, life is tougher now. During the treatment I did think about those

things, but since there were more pressing thing to handle, it didn't hurt as

much as now. But now. when I think about what will become of all this

preparation, this desire and dream, I feel a physical pain, I feel like I cannot

breath. I just don't know how I will get over this. Many people say I can adopt,

but this is not the issue. Besides being complicated here and beaurocratic, what

about the pregnancy and all the feelings and emotions and bonding it carries?

What about the dreams of myself pregnant, what about the child that would be

part of me and the man I love? I wanted it all, and I still cannot accept that

this won't happen.

So, it comes to me a lot if all this hardship I endured was worth it. Sometimes

I just wish I hadn't done anything. I had almost no fear of the disease itself,

now I am afraid of what it will bring to my life.

I feel so empty now and I still have to keep putting a face for all the people

that know and care about me. And I feel very lonely. And ashamed for feeling

like this.

Anyone is going thru feelings like those?

Anyway, I am sorry for venting and sorry for the depressed mood I am in now.

Hugs

---------------------------------

How low will we go? Check out Yahoo! Messenger's low PC-to-Phone call rates.

[Guest guest]

Hi Barb,

It looks like we are at the same point on treatment.

Exactly!! I feel exactly like this, it seems harder now.And not only my body

hasn't kept up, but also I lost my bearings. My plans got all changed and I

don't know in what direction to go now.

Chocolate... oh....! I cut it out of my life for know. I am determined to get

this 22 pounds off. I was so depressed when I tried my dresses for a wedding

next week and none fit! Not a single one. So, enough of this and now I am on a

diet and back to the gym. Slowly, of course.

You guys are great.

Thanks

Barb Roy wrote:

Hey, ,

I'm right there with you. I think I have more of a hard time with depression

right now after all treatment (almost 5 weeks now) is over than during. I

suspect those who are done like us will tell us its normal. With treatment, we

had a plan, we finished the plan, but our body has not kept up. It will take

some time. Not an over night thing. I, too, have the all over body aches and

pains (feel like I've run a race without any training -- muscles hurt). Still

have the needles and pins in my hands and feet and occasionally upset stomach.

But, I do see some improvement. Thank goodness CHOCOLATE tastes good to me now.

At some point, I'll have to curb that and get to losing the 10-20 pounds I've

gained, plus more. But right now, I let my body tell me what to do... push a

little farther and then give in.

You aren't alone, just remember that.

Barb R.

Michigan

Home and in need to vent...

I am home now. Actually have been for a few weeks, but I have been very

reclusive.

Now I am back to work and trying to get back to my new activities. Trying is the

right word, I guess.

For those who do not know, my stats are:

Dx: 12/2005, IDC, stage IIb, 2.3 cm, grade 2, 2 nodes out of 13; ER/PR+ and

HER-2 neg.

Surgery: quadrantectomy left breast (free margins) with immediate reconstruction

and right breast for simmetry, on 01/31/2006;

Chemo: 4A/C and then 3 Taxol/1Taxotere every 2 weeks with 10 shots of

filgrastim, done on 06/13/2006.

Radio: 26 sessions plus 9 boosters, total of 35 sessions, done 08/31/2006

Zoladex since Feb, but I won't take it anymore;

Tamoxifen since 10/01/2006.

38 years old, married, no kids.

No family history, no group risk except for not having kids.

First check up las week and everything is fine.

Wow! It is a lot when put in writing.

The fact is, I do not feel good at all. I am wondering, now the bad part of

treatment is over, if now isn't the hardest part. At least for me. It surely

feels like.

I hate to be complaining and whining, specially after I read so many emails from

women that have a good and positive atittude and with more complicated

situations than mine. I actually feel ashamed of feeling so down. But I can't

help it.

I feel sore all over, my joints and muscles hurt (and the onc says it has

nothing to do with the chemo, yeah right!),I am overweight and my muscle mass

has decreased a lot. I am still swollen with liquid retention. I used to be so

in shape! This chemopause sucks! I have hot flashes 14 times a day, among other

things. At least this will get better since I am off Zoladex.

And the fertility issue is worse for me now. I think now that the heavy

treatment is over and I want to get on with my life, I see I cannot actually

move on. I feel trapped in this 5 years waiting period. I cannot even look at

pregnant women or at babies, children that I just begin crying. I waited and

planned my whole life for this and now.I am having a lot of difficulties dealing

with the idea that I won't be able to birth my kids.

So, in a way, life is tougher now. During the treatment I did think about those

things, but since there were more pressing thing to handle, it didn't hurt as

much as now. But now. when I think about what will become of all this

preparation, this desire and dream, I feel a physical pain, I feel like I cannot

breath. I just don't know how I will get over this. Many people say I can adopt,

but this is not the issue. Besides being complicated here and beaurocratic, what

about the pregnancy and all the feelings and emotions and bonding it carries?

What about the dreams of myself pregnant, what about the child that would be

part of me and the man I love? I wanted it all, and I still cannot accept that

this won't happen.

So, it comes to me a lot if all this hardship I endured was worth it. Sometimes

I just wish I hadn't done anything. I had almost no fear of the disease itself,

now I am afraid of what it will bring to my life.

I feel so empty now and I still have to keep putting a face for all the people

that know and care about me. And I feel very lonely. And ashamed for feeling

like this.

Anyone is going thru feelings like those?

Anyway, I am sorry for venting and sorry for the depressed mood I am in now.

Hugs

---------------------------------

How low will we go? Check out Yahoo! Messenger's low PC-to-Phone call rates.

[Guest guest]

,

I always tell the ladies to take it one day at a time. Or even go hour by hour.

Baby steps are good. It DOES get better, even though it doesn't seem like it

now. You will be in my prayers.

Hugs

nne

Breast Cancer Patients Soul Mates for Life

http://www.geocities.com/chucky5741/breastcancerpatients.html

BreastCancerStories.com

http://www.breastcancerstories.com/content/view/433/161/

Angel Feather Loomer

www.angelfeatherloomer.blogspot.com

Check out my other ornaments at

www.geocities.com/chucky5741/bcornament.html

Lots of info and gifts at:

www.cancerclub.com

Re: Home and in need to vent...

Hi ,

You have no idea, ok I am sure you do, how important this group and your

support is to me.

I am so glad I have you ladies to count on.

Taxol was really bad for me. And I took L-glutamin to help out and it did. I

am planning to give it another shot. I am back to the gym, slowly, and I am

seeing a therapist. I just don't know if it is helping much. I guess I need to

try more time and take baby steps right?

Thank you

wrote:

Hi ,

thanks for checking in with us and letting us know what's going on with

you. You've been through alot. Don't compare yourself to other women

having more/less complicated situations. Each one of us is on her own

journey, and we're here to support you. I've heard taxol can cause joint

& muscle pain, and some women swear by Glucosamine. It takes at least a

year to recover from chemo and surgeries, so give yourself some time.

, I can't imagine all the emotions you're going through regarding

your desire for a family. Your sadness and anger is understandable. You

sound like you have alot of love to give a child, and it will happen

some day, though perhaps not the way you originally planned.

Even though treatment sucks, it allows you to be here and envision a

future. I'm sure your husband is glad you went through it, and would

rather have you around to have a family with him.

Do you think therapy would help? You have alot to work through, and

maybe someone outside of your family and friends would be good to talk

to. And please keep venting to us. That's what we're here for.

take care,

---------------------------------

All-new Yahoo! Mail - Fire up a more powerful email and get things done

faster.

[Guest guest]

,

I always tell the ladies to take it one day at a time. Or even go hour by hour.

Baby steps are good. It DOES get better, even though it doesn't seem like it

now. You will be in my prayers.

Hugs

nne

Breast Cancer Patients Soul Mates for Life

http://www.geocities.com/chucky5741/breastcancerpatients.html

BreastCancerStories.com

http://www.breastcancerstories.com/content/view/433/161/

Angel Feather Loomer

www.angelfeatherloomer.blogspot.com

Check out my other ornaments at

www.geocities.com/chucky5741/bcornament.html

Lots of info and gifts at:

www.cancerclub.com

Re: Home and in need to vent...

Hi ,

You have no idea, ok I am sure you do, how important this group and your

support is to me.

I am so glad I have you ladies to count on.

Taxol was really bad for me. And I took L-glutamin to help out and it did. I

am planning to give it another shot. I am back to the gym, slowly, and I am

seeing a therapist. I just don't know if it is helping much. I guess I need to

try more time and take baby steps right?

Thank you

wrote:

Hi ,

thanks for checking in with us and letting us know what's going on with

you. You've been through alot. Don't compare yourself to other women

having more/less complicated situations. Each one of us is on her own

journey, and we're here to support you. I've heard taxol can cause joint

& muscle pain, and some women swear by Glucosamine. It takes at least a

year to recover from chemo and surgeries, so give yourself some time.

, I can't imagine all the emotions you're going through regarding

your desire for a family. Your sadness and anger is understandable. You

sound like you have alot of love to give a child, and it will happen

some day, though perhaps not the way you originally planned.

Even though treatment sucks, it allows you to be here and envision a

future. I'm sure your husband is glad you went through it, and would

rather have you around to have a family with him.

Do you think therapy would help? You have alot to work through, and

maybe someone outside of your family and friends would be good to talk

to. And please keep venting to us. That's what we're here for.

take care,

---------------------------------

All-new Yahoo! Mail - Fire up a more powerful email and get things done

faster.

[Guest guest]

,

I always tell the ladies to take it one day at a time. Or even go hour by hour.

Baby steps are good. It DOES get better, even though it doesn't seem like it

now. You will be in my prayers.

Hugs

nne

Breast Cancer Patients Soul Mates for Life

http://www.geocities.com/chucky5741/breastcancerpatients.html

BreastCancerStories.com

http://www.breastcancerstories.com/content/view/433/161/

Angel Feather Loomer

www.angelfeatherloomer.blogspot.com

Check out my other ornaments at

www.geocities.com/chucky5741/bcornament.html

Lots of info and gifts at:

www.cancerclub.com

Re: Home and in need to vent...

Hi ,

You have no idea, ok I am sure you do, how important this group and your

support is to me.

I am so glad I have you ladies to count on.

Taxol was really bad for me. And I took L-glutamin to help out and it did. I

am planning to give it another shot. I am back to the gym, slowly, and I am

seeing a therapist. I just don't know if it is helping much. I guess I need to

try more time and take baby steps right?

Thank you

wrote:

Hi ,

thanks for checking in with us and letting us know what's going on with

you. You've been through alot. Don't compare yourself to other women

having more/less complicated situations. Each one of us is on her own

journey, and we're here to support you. I've heard taxol can cause joint

& muscle pain, and some women swear by Glucosamine. It takes at least a

year to recover from chemo and surgeries, so give yourself some time.

, I can't imagine all the emotions you're going through regarding

your desire for a family. Your sadness and anger is understandable. You

sound like you have alot of love to give a child, and it will happen

some day, though perhaps not the way you originally planned.

Even though treatment sucks, it allows you to be here and envision a

future. I'm sure your husband is glad you went through it, and would

rather have you around to have a family with him.

Do you think therapy would help? You have alot to work through, and

maybe someone outside of your family and friends would be good to talk

to. And please keep venting to us. That's what we're here for.

take care,

---------------------------------

All-new Yahoo! Mail - Fire up a more powerful email and get things done

faster.