RE: Help with a difficult situation

[Guest guest]

April,

Here is my 2 cents (:

I believe that people come in and out of each other's lives as needed. Some

friendships are meant to be kept, and some just are not. If the two of you

have nothing in common anymore, I would just let it go gracefully. It's a

bittersweet thing, but it's better than having it end in a feud.

It may be that down the line she's ready to be your friend no matter what,

but you cannot force her to accept your lifestyle. She is probably jealous,

and you have no reason to feel guilty. This is who you are now and where

you are in your life. If she is unable to come to terms with it - that's

her problem.

Since she lives in CA, it won't be a regular problem. You can see her when

she comes into town, if she keeps in touch.

I've actually had to let a few friendships die for one reason or another.

It just became to painful to hold on just because there was a past

connection.

Regardless of what you chose to do, you should be proud of the lifestyle

changes you have made!

Candace

[Guest guest]

April,

Here is my 2 cents (:

I believe that people come in and out of each other's lives as needed. Some

friendships are meant to be kept, and some just are not. If the two of you

have nothing in common anymore, I would just let it go gracefully. It's a

bittersweet thing, but it's better than having it end in a feud.

It may be that down the line she's ready to be your friend no matter what,

but you cannot force her to accept your lifestyle. She is probably jealous,

and you have no reason to feel guilty. This is who you are now and where

you are in your life. If she is unable to come to terms with it - that's

her problem.

Since she lives in CA, it won't be a regular problem. You can see her when

she comes into town, if she keeps in touch.

I've actually had to let a few friendships die for one reason or another.

It just became to painful to hold on just because there was a past

connection.

Regardless of what you chose to do, you should be proud of the lifestyle

changes you have made!

Candace

[Guest guest]

April,

Here is my 2 cents (:

I believe that people come in and out of each other's lives as needed. Some

friendships are meant to be kept, and some just are not. If the two of you

have nothing in common anymore, I would just let it go gracefully. It's a

bittersweet thing, but it's better than having it end in a feud.

It may be that down the line she's ready to be your friend no matter what,

but you cannot force her to accept your lifestyle. She is probably jealous,

and you have no reason to feel guilty. This is who you are now and where

you are in your life. If she is unable to come to terms with it - that's

her problem.

Since she lives in CA, it won't be a regular problem. You can see her when

she comes into town, if she keeps in touch.

I've actually had to let a few friendships die for one reason or another.

It just became to painful to hold on just because there was a past

connection.

Regardless of what you chose to do, you should be proud of the lifestyle

changes you have made!

Candace

[Guest guest]

Hi April,

I SO understand where you're coming from. (if you've read my posts

lately, you know I'm in the midst of a rather toxic relationship myself)

I don't have any great advice. But here's a couple thoughts:

1) You don't have to apologize for being healthy. (you know this...but

now BELIEVE it!)

2) Change is good. Hard...but good.

3) your friend probably feels judged by you - whether or not you

*actually* judge her - your healthy actions cause her discomfort - like

a magnifying glass being held up to her unhealthy habits.

4) she is unhappy and is probably more comfortable with you when YOU'RE

unhappy too.

Is she going to be in your life on a consistent basis now? Or will you

just see her occasionally?

I think that will determine how much you need to reconcile with her.

(meaning...if you are going to see her weekly, then you'll have to wade

into this and work at untangling things....but if she isn't in your life

regularly, you can probably just let time and distance deal with it)

Again, I'm not much help since I'm struggling through a similar

situation. I'm just glad you could share here and get some input.

in CO

Help with a difficult situation

I like to think my life is different than it was almost three years

ago when I made that first step across the threshold of my first WW

meeting, but this past week has taught me just how truly CHANGED my

lifestyle really is.

An old college buddy of mine was in town for the past two weeks

visiting some of her family. She was supposed to come visit me this

past weekend, but due to unforeseen events, needed a place to stay

last Monday or else she would have to return to California where she

now lives. I offered her my place for a few days, and so her and her

husband moved in. She ended up staying with me and my husband for

about a week. We haven't lived with each other in almost eight years

(since we were college roomies), and I had not realized how much our

lives have changed.

See, when we were in college, we were always either on a diet or

eating with no abandon. We were such a bad influence on each other.

She jokes about how we used to both sit on the couch watching movies

and eating directly out of a gallon of ice cream until it was all

gone. This after destroying an entire large pizza. She has always had

a weight problem, whereas mine came about after I left high school.

About halfway through college, we decided to " get fit. " We went on an

extremely low fat, low calorie diet and both lost weight. She got

down to the smallest she had ever been. After college my weight

continued to yo-yo until I hit an all-time high and made my WW

commitment three years ago. She kept most of her weight off until she

and her husband moved to a new town about six years ago. She then

started to gain weight and now is up higher than she has ever been.

She's definitely over 100 pounds overweight, maybe almost 150. I

worry about her health, and we've discussed it on occasion. I try to

never push, and she tells me she knows she's just not ready to make a

commitment like I have, but that when she is, she'll take care of it.

I tell her I love her no matter what. I support her when she attempts

to lose weight, but I try to never harp or bring it up unless she

asks me. She has a lot of toxic relationships in her life, including

an unhealthy one with her immediate family. I think she does a lot

of " stuffing her feelings with food, " to quote another serious WWer.

Well, being in close proximity this past week really accentuated our

lifestyle differences and put a strain on our relationship. I had

made a point to not bring up WW or be a " healthy food " pusher, but

that I would just lead by example. My husband was fearful that being

with my old " food buddy " would be hard for me and possibly lead me to

overeat, but I kept everything in control. He kept telling me how

proud he was that I continued to keep up my healthy habits when it

would have been so easy to succumb to what I had been in the past. I

got up every morning and exercised like normal and ate what I

normally eat, making healthy choices. She made a couple of comments a

few days in that some of her pants were feeling loose, that she

thought staying at my house was like being at " fat camp " - there

wasn't any " bad " choices. (I like to make my home a " no fail "

environment, so I don't keep junk food around.) At first she just

kind of made humorous mentions about it, but as the week wore on, it

became apparent she felt somewhat slighted. We went out for ice cream

on Saturday, and I got (what I thought was a moderate-point serving,

but later found out had way more points than I thought, but I still

didn't use it as an excuse to eat without boundaries) a medium cup of

ice cream. After paying, I turned around and saw her standing there

with two (one for her, one for her husband) of the largest waffles

cones full of ice cream I had ever seen. I kid you not, these things

were ENORMOUS. (Cold Stone Creamery calls them " gotta have it. " ) I

guess my eyes got big when I saw them and I went " WOW! That's a lot

of ice cream. " Well, this obviously irritated her and she said, " you

wouldn't have thought anything about the size of these cones back in

the old days. " I get the resentment, I really do. But, I felt like

crap. I try really hard to be understanding of her situation. When

she's having a hard time physically or emotionally, I encourage her

and remind her of what a valuable person she is and that I love her.

I don't want weight to get in the way of our friendship, but I'm

starting to think our lifestyles are so different, that we don't

share much in common anymore. It's like when your best friend from

high school gets married and has three kids and you are still single,

things just change. All her activities revolve around sitting around

watching TV, going to the movies, or eating. I like to get out and be

active, shop, eat healthy, and enjoy nature. (I do enjoy a good TV

show or movie, but by the fifth day of that, I was getting bored.)

What should I do? How do I live my life with the changes I've made

and still hold on to a dear, dear friend? I would appreciate any

advice on how to handle the situation. She left yesterday morning for

home, and I could feel a slight air of tension. I'm wondering if I

should call her to discuss it or if that would make things worse. I

want to be a rock for her and her for me, but I'm finding our

priorities are so different, it's becoming a problem.

April

[Guest guest]

Hi April,

I SO understand where you're coming from. (if you've read my posts

lately, you know I'm in the midst of a rather toxic relationship myself)

I don't have any great advice. But here's a couple thoughts:

1) You don't have to apologize for being healthy. (you know this...but

now BELIEVE it!)

2) Change is good. Hard...but good.

3) your friend probably feels judged by you - whether or not you

*actually* judge her - your healthy actions cause her discomfort - like

a magnifying glass being held up to her unhealthy habits.

4) she is unhappy and is probably more comfortable with you when YOU'RE

unhappy too.

Is she going to be in your life on a consistent basis now? Or will you

just see her occasionally?

I think that will determine how much you need to reconcile with her.

(meaning...if you are going to see her weekly, then you'll have to wade

into this and work at untangling things....but if she isn't in your life

regularly, you can probably just let time and distance deal with it)

Again, I'm not much help since I'm struggling through a similar

situation. I'm just glad you could share here and get some input.

in CO

Help with a difficult situation

I like to think my life is different than it was almost three years

ago when I made that first step across the threshold of my first WW

meeting, but this past week has taught me just how truly CHANGED my

lifestyle really is.

An old college buddy of mine was in town for the past two weeks

visiting some of her family. She was supposed to come visit me this

past weekend, but due to unforeseen events, needed a place to stay

last Monday or else she would have to return to California where she

now lives. I offered her my place for a few days, and so her and her

husband moved in. She ended up staying with me and my husband for

about a week. We haven't lived with each other in almost eight years

(since we were college roomies), and I had not realized how much our

lives have changed.

See, when we were in college, we were always either on a diet or

eating with no abandon. We were such a bad influence on each other.

She jokes about how we used to both sit on the couch watching movies

and eating directly out of a gallon of ice cream until it was all

gone. This after destroying an entire large pizza. She has always had

a weight problem, whereas mine came about after I left high school.

About halfway through college, we decided to " get fit. " We went on an

extremely low fat, low calorie diet and both lost weight. She got

down to the smallest she had ever been. After college my weight

continued to yo-yo until I hit an all-time high and made my WW

commitment three years ago. She kept most of her weight off until she

and her husband moved to a new town about six years ago. She then

started to gain weight and now is up higher than she has ever been.

She's definitely over 100 pounds overweight, maybe almost 150. I

worry about her health, and we've discussed it on occasion. I try to

never push, and she tells me she knows she's just not ready to make a

commitment like I have, but that when she is, she'll take care of it.

I tell her I love her no matter what. I support her when she attempts

to lose weight, but I try to never harp or bring it up unless she

asks me. She has a lot of toxic relationships in her life, including

an unhealthy one with her immediate family. I think she does a lot

of " stuffing her feelings with food, " to quote another serious WWer.

Well, being in close proximity this past week really accentuated our

lifestyle differences and put a strain on our relationship. I had

made a point to not bring up WW or be a " healthy food " pusher, but

that I would just lead by example. My husband was fearful that being

with my old " food buddy " would be hard for me and possibly lead me to

overeat, but I kept everything in control. He kept telling me how

proud he was that I continued to keep up my healthy habits when it

would have been so easy to succumb to what I had been in the past. I

got up every morning and exercised like normal and ate what I

normally eat, making healthy choices. She made a couple of comments a

few days in that some of her pants were feeling loose, that she

thought staying at my house was like being at " fat camp " - there

wasn't any " bad " choices. (I like to make my home a " no fail "

environment, so I don't keep junk food around.) At first she just

kind of made humorous mentions about it, but as the week wore on, it

became apparent she felt somewhat slighted. We went out for ice cream

on Saturday, and I got (what I thought was a moderate-point serving,

but later found out had way more points than I thought, but I still

didn't use it as an excuse to eat without boundaries) a medium cup of

ice cream. After paying, I turned around and saw her standing there

with two (one for her, one for her husband) of the largest waffles

cones full of ice cream I had ever seen. I kid you not, these things

were ENORMOUS. (Cold Stone Creamery calls them " gotta have it. " ) I

guess my eyes got big when I saw them and I went " WOW! That's a lot

of ice cream. " Well, this obviously irritated her and she said, " you

wouldn't have thought anything about the size of these cones back in

the old days. " I get the resentment, I really do. But, I felt like

crap. I try really hard to be understanding of her situation. When

she's having a hard time physically or emotionally, I encourage her

and remind her of what a valuable person she is and that I love her.

I don't want weight to get in the way of our friendship, but I'm

starting to think our lifestyles are so different, that we don't

share much in common anymore. It's like when your best friend from

high school gets married and has three kids and you are still single,

things just change. All her activities revolve around sitting around

watching TV, going to the movies, or eating. I like to get out and be

active, shop, eat healthy, and enjoy nature. (I do enjoy a good TV

show or movie, but by the fifth day of that, I was getting bored.)

What should I do? How do I live my life with the changes I've made

and still hold on to a dear, dear friend? I would appreciate any

advice on how to handle the situation. She left yesterday morning for

home, and I could feel a slight air of tension. I'm wondering if I

should call her to discuss it or if that would make things worse. I

want to be a rock for her and her for me, but I'm finding our

priorities are so different, it's becoming a problem.

April

[Guest guest]

Hi April,

I SO understand where you're coming from. (if you've read my posts

lately, you know I'm in the midst of a rather toxic relationship myself)

I don't have any great advice. But here's a couple thoughts:

1) You don't have to apologize for being healthy. (you know this...but

now BELIEVE it!)

2) Change is good. Hard...but good.

3) your friend probably feels judged by you - whether or not you

*actually* judge her - your healthy actions cause her discomfort - like

a magnifying glass being held up to her unhealthy habits.

4) she is unhappy and is probably more comfortable with you when YOU'RE

unhappy too.

Is she going to be in your life on a consistent basis now? Or will you

just see her occasionally?

I think that will determine how much you need to reconcile with her.

(meaning...if you are going to see her weekly, then you'll have to wade

into this and work at untangling things....but if she isn't in your life

regularly, you can probably just let time and distance deal with it)

Again, I'm not much help since I'm struggling through a similar

situation. I'm just glad you could share here and get some input.

in CO

Help with a difficult situation

I like to think my life is different than it was almost three years

ago when I made that first step across the threshold of my first WW

meeting, but this past week has taught me just how truly CHANGED my

lifestyle really is.

An old college buddy of mine was in town for the past two weeks

visiting some of her family. She was supposed to come visit me this

past weekend, but due to unforeseen events, needed a place to stay

last Monday or else she would have to return to California where she

now lives. I offered her my place for a few days, and so her and her

husband moved in. She ended up staying with me and my husband for

about a week. We haven't lived with each other in almost eight years

(since we were college roomies), and I had not realized how much our

lives have changed.

See, when we were in college, we were always either on a diet or

eating with no abandon. We were such a bad influence on each other.

She jokes about how we used to both sit on the couch watching movies

and eating directly out of a gallon of ice cream until it was all

gone. This after destroying an entire large pizza. She has always had

a weight problem, whereas mine came about after I left high school.

About halfway through college, we decided to " get fit. " We went on an

extremely low fat, low calorie diet and both lost weight. She got

down to the smallest she had ever been. After college my weight

continued to yo-yo until I hit an all-time high and made my WW

commitment three years ago. She kept most of her weight off until she

and her husband moved to a new town about six years ago. She then

started to gain weight and now is up higher than she has ever been.

She's definitely over 100 pounds overweight, maybe almost 150. I

worry about her health, and we've discussed it on occasion. I try to

never push, and she tells me she knows she's just not ready to make a

commitment like I have, but that when she is, she'll take care of it.

I tell her I love her no matter what. I support her when she attempts

to lose weight, but I try to never harp or bring it up unless she

asks me. She has a lot of toxic relationships in her life, including

an unhealthy one with her immediate family. I think she does a lot

of " stuffing her feelings with food, " to quote another serious WWer.

Well, being in close proximity this past week really accentuated our

lifestyle differences and put a strain on our relationship. I had

made a point to not bring up WW or be a " healthy food " pusher, but

that I would just lead by example. My husband was fearful that being

with my old " food buddy " would be hard for me and possibly lead me to

overeat, but I kept everything in control. He kept telling me how

proud he was that I continued to keep up my healthy habits when it

would have been so easy to succumb to what I had been in the past. I

got up every morning and exercised like normal and ate what I

normally eat, making healthy choices. She made a couple of comments a

few days in that some of her pants were feeling loose, that she

thought staying at my house was like being at " fat camp " - there

wasn't any " bad " choices. (I like to make my home a " no fail "

environment, so I don't keep junk food around.) At first she just

kind of made humorous mentions about it, but as the week wore on, it

became apparent she felt somewhat slighted. We went out for ice cream

on Saturday, and I got (what I thought was a moderate-point serving,

but later found out had way more points than I thought, but I still

didn't use it as an excuse to eat without boundaries) a medium cup of

ice cream. After paying, I turned around and saw her standing there

with two (one for her, one for her husband) of the largest waffles

cones full of ice cream I had ever seen. I kid you not, these things

were ENORMOUS. (Cold Stone Creamery calls them " gotta have it. " ) I

guess my eyes got big when I saw them and I went " WOW! That's a lot

of ice cream. " Well, this obviously irritated her and she said, " you

wouldn't have thought anything about the size of these cones back in

the old days. " I get the resentment, I really do. But, I felt like

crap. I try really hard to be understanding of her situation. When

she's having a hard time physically or emotionally, I encourage her

and remind her of what a valuable person she is and that I love her.

I don't want weight to get in the way of our friendship, but I'm

starting to think our lifestyles are so different, that we don't

share much in common anymore. It's like when your best friend from

high school gets married and has three kids and you are still single,

things just change. All her activities revolve around sitting around

watching TV, going to the movies, or eating. I like to get out and be

active, shop, eat healthy, and enjoy nature. (I do enjoy a good TV

show or movie, but by the fifth day of that, I was getting bored.)

What should I do? How do I live my life with the changes I've made

and still hold on to a dear, dear friend? I would appreciate any

advice on how to handle the situation. She left yesterday morning for

home, and I could feel a slight air of tension. I'm wondering if I

should call her to discuss it or if that would make things worse. I

want to be a rock for her and her for me, but I'm finding our

priorities are so different, it's becoming a problem.

April

[Guest guest]

I was speaking to a friend about change, and her therapist suggested that

when we go through change we go through many of the same stages that we go

through when we lose someone to death. I think that is interesting and can

explain why it is so hard to accept change in our lives.

Just a thought.

Help with a difficult situation

I like to think my life is different than it was almost three years

ago when I made that first step across the threshold of my first WW

meeting, but this past week has taught me just how truly CHANGED my

lifestyle really is.

An old college buddy of mine was in town for the past two weeks

visiting some of her family. She was supposed to come visit me this

past weekend, but due to unforeseen events, needed a place to stay

last Monday or else she would have to return to California where she

now lives. I offered her my place for a few days, and so her and her

husband moved in. She ended up staying with me and my husband for

about a week. We haven't lived with each other in almost eight years

(since we were college roomies), and I had not realized how much our

lives have changed.

See, when we were in college, we were always either on a diet or

eating with no abandon. We were such a bad influence on each other.

She jokes about how we used to both sit on the couch watching movies

and eating directly out of a gallon of ice cream until it was all

gone. This after destroying an entire large pizza. She has always had

a weight problem, whereas mine came about after I left high school.

About halfway through college, we decided to " get fit. " We went on an

extremely low fat, low calorie diet and both lost weight. She got

down to the smallest she had ever been. After college my weight

continued to yo-yo until I hit an all-time high and made my WW

commitment three years ago. She kept most of her weight off until she

and her husband moved to a new town about six years ago. She then

started to gain weight and now is up higher than she has ever been.

She's definitely over 100 pounds overweight, maybe almost 150. I

worry about her health, and we've discussed it on occasion. I try to

never push, and she tells me she knows she's just not ready to make a

commitment like I have, but that when she is, she'll take care of it.

I tell her I love her no matter what. I support her when she attempts

to lose weight, but I try to never harp or bring it up unless she

asks me. She has a lot of toxic relationships in her life, including

an unhealthy one with her immediate family. I think she does a lot

of " stuffing her feelings with food, " to quote another serious WWer.

Well, being in close proximity this past week really accentuated our

lifestyle differences and put a strain on our relationship. I had

made a point to not bring up WW or be a " healthy food " pusher, but

that I would just lead by example. My husband was fearful that being

with my old " food buddy " would be hard for me and possibly lead me to

overeat, but I kept everything in control. He kept telling me how

proud he was that I continued to keep up my healthy habits when it

would have been so easy to succumb to what I had been in the past. I

got up every morning and exercised like normal and ate what I

normally eat, making healthy choices. She made a couple of comments a

few days in that some of her pants were feeling loose, that she

thought staying at my house was like being at " fat camp " - there

wasn't any " bad " choices. (I like to make my home a " no fail "

environment, so I don't keep junk food around.) At first she just

kind of made humorous mentions about it, but as the week wore on, it

became apparent she felt somewhat slighted. We went out for ice cream

on Saturday, and I got (what I thought was a moderate-point serving,

but later found out had way more points than I thought, but I still

didn't use it as an excuse to eat without boundaries) a medium cup of

ice cream. After paying, I turned around and saw her standing there

with two (one for her, one for her husband) of the largest waffles

cones full of ice cream I had ever seen. I kid you not, these things

were ENORMOUS. (Cold Stone Creamery calls them " gotta have it. " ) I

guess my eyes got big when I saw them and I went " WOW! That's a lot

of ice cream. " Well, this obviously irritated her and she said, " you

wouldn't have thought anything about the size of these cones back in

the old days. " I get the resentment, I really do. But, I felt like

crap. I try really hard to be understanding of her situation. When

she's having a hard time physically or emotionally, I encourage her

and remind her of what a valuable person she is and that I love her.

I don't want weight to get in the way of our friendship, but I'm

starting to think our lifestyles are so different, that we don't

share much in common anymore. It's like when your best friend from

high school gets married and has three kids and you are still single,

things just change. All her activities revolve around sitting around

watching TV, going to the movies, or eating. I like to get out and be

active, shop, eat healthy, and enjoy nature. (I do enjoy a good TV

show or movie, but by the fifth day of that, I was getting bored.)

What should I do? How do I live my life with the changes I've made

and still hold on to a dear, dear friend? I would appreciate any

advice on how to handle the situation. She left yesterday morning for

home, and I could feel a slight air of tension. I'm wondering if I

should call her to discuss it or if that would make things worse. I

want to be a rock for her and her for me, but I'm finding our

priorities are so different, it's becoming a problem.

April

[Guest guest]

I was speaking to a friend about change, and her therapist suggested that

when we go through change we go through many of the same stages that we go

through when we lose someone to death. I think that is interesting and can

explain why it is so hard to accept change in our lives.

Just a thought.

Help with a difficult situation

I like to think my life is different than it was almost three years

ago when I made that first step across the threshold of my first WW

meeting, but this past week has taught me just how truly CHANGED my

lifestyle really is.

An old college buddy of mine was in town for the past two weeks

visiting some of her family. She was supposed to come visit me this

past weekend, but due to unforeseen events, needed a place to stay

last Monday or else she would have to return to California where she

now lives. I offered her my place for a few days, and so her and her

husband moved in. She ended up staying with me and my husband for

about a week. We haven't lived with each other in almost eight years

(since we were college roomies), and I had not realized how much our

lives have changed.

See, when we were in college, we were always either on a diet or

eating with no abandon. We were such a bad influence on each other.

She jokes about how we used to both sit on the couch watching movies

and eating directly out of a gallon of ice cream until it was all

gone. This after destroying an entire large pizza. She has always had

a weight problem, whereas mine came about after I left high school.

About halfway through college, we decided to " get fit. " We went on an

extremely low fat, low calorie diet and both lost weight. She got

down to the smallest she had ever been. After college my weight

continued to yo-yo until I hit an all-time high and made my WW

commitment three years ago. She kept most of her weight off until she

and her husband moved to a new town about six years ago. She then

started to gain weight and now is up higher than she has ever been.

She's definitely over 100 pounds overweight, maybe almost 150. I

worry about her health, and we've discussed it on occasion. I try to

never push, and she tells me she knows she's just not ready to make a

commitment like I have, but that when she is, she'll take care of it.

I tell her I love her no matter what. I support her when she attempts

to lose weight, but I try to never harp or bring it up unless she

asks me. She has a lot of toxic relationships in her life, including

an unhealthy one with her immediate family. I think she does a lot

of " stuffing her feelings with food, " to quote another serious WWer.

Well, being in close proximity this past week really accentuated our

lifestyle differences and put a strain on our relationship. I had

made a point to not bring up WW or be a " healthy food " pusher, but

that I would just lead by example. My husband was fearful that being

with my old " food buddy " would be hard for me and possibly lead me to

overeat, but I kept everything in control. He kept telling me how

proud he was that I continued to keep up my healthy habits when it

would have been so easy to succumb to what I had been in the past. I

got up every morning and exercised like normal and ate what I

normally eat, making healthy choices. She made a couple of comments a

few days in that some of her pants were feeling loose, that she

thought staying at my house was like being at " fat camp " - there

wasn't any " bad " choices. (I like to make my home a " no fail "

environment, so I don't keep junk food around.) At first she just

kind of made humorous mentions about it, but as the week wore on, it

became apparent she felt somewhat slighted. We went out for ice cream

on Saturday, and I got (what I thought was a moderate-point serving,

but later found out had way more points than I thought, but I still

didn't use it as an excuse to eat without boundaries) a medium cup of

ice cream. After paying, I turned around and saw her standing there

with two (one for her, one for her husband) of the largest waffles

cones full of ice cream I had ever seen. I kid you not, these things

were ENORMOUS. (Cold Stone Creamery calls them " gotta have it. " ) I

guess my eyes got big when I saw them and I went " WOW! That's a lot

of ice cream. " Well, this obviously irritated her and she said, " you

wouldn't have thought anything about the size of these cones back in

the old days. " I get the resentment, I really do. But, I felt like

crap. I try really hard to be understanding of her situation. When

she's having a hard time physically or emotionally, I encourage her

and remind her of what a valuable person she is and that I love her.

I don't want weight to get in the way of our friendship, but I'm

starting to think our lifestyles are so different, that we don't

share much in common anymore. It's like when your best friend from

high school gets married and has three kids and you are still single,

things just change. All her activities revolve around sitting around

watching TV, going to the movies, or eating. I like to get out and be

active, shop, eat healthy, and enjoy nature. (I do enjoy a good TV

show or movie, but by the fifth day of that, I was getting bored.)

What should I do? How do I live my life with the changes I've made

and still hold on to a dear, dear friend? I would appreciate any

advice on how to handle the situation. She left yesterday morning for

home, and I could feel a slight air of tension. I'm wondering if I

should call her to discuss it or if that would make things worse. I

want to be a rock for her and her for me, but I'm finding our

priorities are so different, it's becoming a problem.

April

[Guest guest]

I was speaking to a friend about change, and her therapist suggested that

when we go through change we go through many of the same stages that we go

through when we lose someone to death. I think that is interesting and can

explain why it is so hard to accept change in our lives.

Just a thought.

Help with a difficult situation

I like to think my life is different than it was almost three years

ago when I made that first step across the threshold of my first WW

meeting, but this past week has taught me just how truly CHANGED my

lifestyle really is.

An old college buddy of mine was in town for the past two weeks

visiting some of her family. She was supposed to come visit me this

past weekend, but due to unforeseen events, needed a place to stay

last Monday or else she would have to return to California where she

now lives. I offered her my place for a few days, and so her and her

husband moved in. She ended up staying with me and my husband for

about a week. We haven't lived with each other in almost eight years

(since we were college roomies), and I had not realized how much our

lives have changed.

See, when we were in college, we were always either on a diet or

eating with no abandon. We were such a bad influence on each other.

She jokes about how we used to both sit on the couch watching movies

and eating directly out of a gallon of ice cream until it was all

gone. This after destroying an entire large pizza. She has always had

a weight problem, whereas mine came about after I left high school.

About halfway through college, we decided to " get fit. " We went on an

extremely low fat, low calorie diet and both lost weight. She got

down to the smallest she had ever been. After college my weight

continued to yo-yo until I hit an all-time high and made my WW

commitment three years ago. She kept most of her weight off until she

and her husband moved to a new town about six years ago. She then

started to gain weight and now is up higher than she has ever been.

She's definitely over 100 pounds overweight, maybe almost 150. I

worry about her health, and we've discussed it on occasion. I try to

never push, and she tells me she knows she's just not ready to make a

commitment like I have, but that when she is, she'll take care of it.

I tell her I love her no matter what. I support her when she attempts

to lose weight, but I try to never harp or bring it up unless she

asks me. She has a lot of toxic relationships in her life, including

an unhealthy one with her immediate family. I think she does a lot

of " stuffing her feelings with food, " to quote another serious WWer.

Well, being in close proximity this past week really accentuated our

lifestyle differences and put a strain on our relationship. I had

made a point to not bring up WW or be a " healthy food " pusher, but

that I would just lead by example. My husband was fearful that being

with my old " food buddy " would be hard for me and possibly lead me to

overeat, but I kept everything in control. He kept telling me how

proud he was that I continued to keep up my healthy habits when it

would have been so easy to succumb to what I had been in the past. I

got up every morning and exercised like normal and ate what I

normally eat, making healthy choices. She made a couple of comments a

few days in that some of her pants were feeling loose, that she

thought staying at my house was like being at " fat camp " - there

wasn't any " bad " choices. (I like to make my home a " no fail "

environment, so I don't keep junk food around.) At first she just

kind of made humorous mentions about it, but as the week wore on, it

became apparent she felt somewhat slighted. We went out for ice cream

on Saturday, and I got (what I thought was a moderate-point serving,

but later found out had way more points than I thought, but I still

didn't use it as an excuse to eat without boundaries) a medium cup of

ice cream. After paying, I turned around and saw her standing there

with two (one for her, one for her husband) of the largest waffles

cones full of ice cream I had ever seen. I kid you not, these things

were ENORMOUS. (Cold Stone Creamery calls them " gotta have it. " ) I

guess my eyes got big when I saw them and I went " WOW! That's a lot

of ice cream. " Well, this obviously irritated her and she said, " you

wouldn't have thought anything about the size of these cones back in

the old days. " I get the resentment, I really do. But, I felt like

crap. I try really hard to be understanding of her situation. When

she's having a hard time physically or emotionally, I encourage her

and remind her of what a valuable person she is and that I love her.

I don't want weight to get in the way of our friendship, but I'm

starting to think our lifestyles are so different, that we don't

share much in common anymore. It's like when your best friend from

high school gets married and has three kids and you are still single,

things just change. All her activities revolve around sitting around

watching TV, going to the movies, or eating. I like to get out and be

active, shop, eat healthy, and enjoy nature. (I do enjoy a good TV

show or movie, but by the fifth day of that, I was getting bored.)

What should I do? How do I live my life with the changes I've made

and still hold on to a dear, dear friend? I would appreciate any

advice on how to handle the situation. She left yesterday morning for

home, and I could feel a slight air of tension. I'm wondering if I

should call her to discuss it or if that would make things worse. I

want to be a rock for her and her for me, but I'm finding our

priorities are so different, it's becoming a problem.

April

[Guest guest]

That definatly is a difficult one April.

Do you think that maybe there was a little jealousy on her side

as you've actually done it?

I would speak with her but just tell her that you value her

friendship and don't want there to be any sort of bad feelings

between them. Maybe also say that you are sorry if you said

something to upset her. I know that you probably didn't but

sometimes people read into things differently.

I'm sure that whatever decision you make will be the right one.

Bel

---- Original message ----

>Date: Mon, 19 Jul 2004 17:00:48 -0000

>

>Subject: Help with a difficult

situation

>To: Serious-Weight-Watchers

>

> I like to think my life is different than it was

> almost three years

> ago when I made that first step across the threshold

> of my first WW

> meeting, but this past week has taught me just how

> truly CHANGED my

> lifestyle really is.

>

> An old college buddy of mine was in town for the

> past two weeks

> visiting some of her family. She was supposed to

> come visit me this

> past weekend, but due to unforeseen events, needed a

> place to stay

> last Monday or else she would have to return to

> California where she

> now lives. I offered her my place for a few days,

> and so her and her

> husband moved in. She ended up staying with me and

> my husband for

> about a week. We haven't lived with each other in

> almost eight years

> (since we were college roomies), and I had not

> realized how much our

> lives have changed.

>

> See, when we were in college, we were always either

> on a diet or

> eating with no abandon. We were such a bad influence

> on each other.

> She jokes about how we used to both sit on the couch

> watching movies

> and eating directly out of a gallon of ice cream

> until it was all

> gone. This after destroying an entire large pizza.

> She has always had

> a weight problem, whereas mine came about after I

> left high school.

> About halfway through college, we decided to " get

> fit. " We went on an

> extremely low fat, low calorie diet and both lost

> weight. She got

> down to the smallest she had ever been. After

> college my weight

> continued to yo-yo until I hit an all-time high and

> made my WW

> commitment three years ago. She kept most of her

> weight off until she

> and her husband moved to a new town about six years

> ago. She then

> started to gain weight and now is up higher than she

> has ever been.

> She's definitely over 100 pounds overweight, maybe

> almost 150. I

> worry about her health, and we've discussed it on

> occasion. I try to

> never push, and she tells me she knows she's just

> not ready to make a

> commitment like I have, but that when she is, she'll

> take care of it.

> I tell her I love her no matter what. I support her

> when she attempts

> to lose weight, but I try to never harp or bring it

> up unless she

> asks me. She has a lot of toxic relationships in her

> life, including

> an unhealthy one with her immediate family. I think

> she does a lot

> of " stuffing her feelings with food, " to quote

> another serious WWer.

>

> Well, being in close proximity this past week really

> accentuated our

> lifestyle differences and put a strain on our

> relationship. I had

> made a point to not bring up WW or be a " healthy

> food " pusher, but

> that I would just lead by example. My husband was

> fearful that being

> with my old " food buddy " would be hard for me and

> possibly lead me to

> overeat, but I kept everything in control. He kept

> telling me how

> proud he was that I continued to keep up my healthy

> habits when it

> would have been so easy to succumb to what I had

> been in the past. I

> got up every morning and exercised like normal and

> ate what I

> normally eat, making healthy choices. She made a

> couple of comments a

> few days in that some of her pants were feeling

> loose, that she

> thought staying at my house was like being at " fat

> camp " – there

> wasn't any " bad " choices. (I like to make my home a

> " no fail "

> environment, so I don't keep junk food around.) At

> first she just

> kind of made humorous mentions about it, but as the

> week wore on, it

> became apparent she felt somewhat slighted. We went

> out for ice cream

> on Saturday, and I got (what I thought was a

> moderate-point serving,

> but later found out had way more points than I

> thought, but I still

> didn't use it as an excuse to eat without

> boundaries) a medium cup of

> ice cream. After paying, I turned around and saw her

> standing there

> with two (one for her, one for her husband) of the

> largest waffles

> cones full of ice cream I had ever seen. I kid you

> not, these things

> were ENORMOUS. (Cold Stone Creamery calls them

> " gotta have it. " ) I

> guess my eyes got big when I saw them and I went

> " WOW! That's a lot

> of ice cream. " Well, this obviously irritated her

> and she said, " you

> wouldn't have thought anything about the size of

> these cones back in

> the old days. " I get the resentment, I really do.

> But, I felt like

> crap. I try really hard to be understanding of her

> situation. When

> she's having a hard time physically or emotionally,

> I encourage her

> and remind her of what a valuable person she is and

> that I love her.

> I don't want weight to get in the way of our

> friendship, but I'm

> starting to think our lifestyles are so different,

> that we don't

> share much in common anymore. It's like when your

> best friend from

> high school gets married and has three kids and you

> are still single,

> things just change. All her activities revolve

> around sitting around

> watching TV, going to the movies, or eating. I like

> to get out and be

> active, shop, eat healthy, and enjoy nature. (I do

> enjoy a good TV

> show or movie, but by the fifth day of that, I was

> getting bored.)

>

> What should I do? How do I live my life with the

> changes I've made

> and still hold on to a dear, dear friend? I would

> appreciate any

> advice on how to handle the situation. She left

> yesterday morning for

> home, and I could feel a slight air of tension. I'm

> wondering if I

> should call her to discuss it or if that would make

> things worse. I

> want to be a rock for her and her for me, but I'm

> finding our

> priorities are so different, it's becoming a

> problem.

>

> April

>

>

[Guest guest]

Man April, doesn't it suck when things like this happen?

I have a dear friend who is in the same situation. We never really dieted

together, but we were always fat together. We'd go out and eat and eat and

eat...and eat. Now I just don't eat that way any more. I just don't.

Saturday we met at the Bite of Seattle and were going to eat together. Of

course I went for the " bite " sized (smaller portions so you could try more

foods) of red beans and rice (healthy, low fat, high carbs and fiber), corn

on the cob no butter (lots of garlic and chili powder, though), and for

dessert I had a bowl of fresh cut fruit. I could see her watching me the

entire time. Yes, I did have one of the free samples of tortilla with cheese

on it (and journaled it), but that was it. I could tell that what I ate

impacted what she ate, and I hate that. Not because I don't want her to eat

healthier, but because I don't want other people to feel uncomfortable

around me. I'm not watching what they eat. I don't CARE what they eat. We

talked about getting dessert after we ate, but fortunately there wasn't

time. I had had my dessert! (Man it was awesome fruit, too.)

I realized that in many ways she just doesn't fit into my life any more.

There have always been glaring differences. I am a very positive person, she

is negative. I like to take risks, for her a risk is listening to a new

radio station. I have always wanted to try new things, she's happy with the

life she's carved out for herself (which has basically been to adopt,

completely, her parents' life and not really reach out from there much). Now

that I'm into exercise and competing, something she believes she cannot do,

we have so little in common it's kind of sad. I realized Saturday, as she

was mocking my Lance Armstrong bracelet and teasing me about running that

morning, and as we were walking back to the concert hall (a trip that took

Roy and I 15 minutes, took the three of us 40 on return because she is so

out of shape), that I don't really enjoy spending time with her. I don't

enjoy being mocked. I don't enjoy always doing the same old thing. I don't

enjoy every activity revolving around food.

This has nothing to do with how she looks or what she eats. It simply is

that I've moved into a new phase in my life and she isn't there with me.

We'll still be friends because we have been for over 30 years and Im not

going to let that go. When I needed her last year, she was there, but it's

hard to know that while we'll be friends forever...we won't be the same KIND

of friends.

So maybe it's time to redefine your relationship with her. She might be

someone you need to distance yourself from for awhile. She might be someone

you need to set new boundaries with. She's obviously feeling pain over her

own weight issues and unfortunately you reflect that pain back at her with

your success...but this is NOT YOUR FAULT. I always wanted to wear a big

yellow button that read, " Notice: My weight loss is not an indictment of

your weight gain. Get over it. " Because my weight loss is only about me, as

your weight loss is only about you.

You need to be proud of your accomplishments and not feel like you must

apologize to others who aren't there yet. No, we don't need to beat people

over the head with a points finder (although man sometimes I want to say to

, " Sweetie, you are just squandering life! " She's 39 and is on more

pills than you can imagine for lifestyle related illnesses ALREADY!). What

we should do, though, is lead by example, be PROUD of our accomplishments,

share them with our friends (I do it through email so that they don't feel

left out, but also so they don't have to listen to it...then if they bring

it up when we're together, that's great. If not I'll know it's something

they'd rather not talk about, or just don't give a rat's patootie about.

That's okay.)

Good luck with this! It's easy to say, " Well sometimes friends don't stay

friends forever " but it's hard to face that reality and realize that to be

friends or not to be friends are not the only two choices. Redefining is

probably the best one. (If that makes any sense.)

Tory

[Guest guest]

I read a book once, called " The Dance of Anger: A Woman's Guide to Changing

the Patterns of Intimate Relationships " by Harriet Lerner. Tory summarized

a lot of what this book talks about. Changing friendships, husband/wife,

mother/daughter... when we change who we are, people get confused and don't

know how to react. They look to us for clues, and because we are still

defining who we are in our new lifestyle we are a little confused as well.

Our changes cause anxiety in the lives of those we are around simply because

things are balanced in a way when everything is status quo, then we change

our eating habits (and usually our outlook as well) and become successful.

For many of us, success is a new thing to be reckoned with, which is

probably why I have to succeed, back track and then succeed again.

So, this " dance " that we are all involved in, even if we don't realize it,

will have far reaching effects. I believe firmly that as long as we are

aware that we are effecting all kinds of relationships, and are aware of

that fact, we can ease others as well as ourselves, by understanding and

patience. As if we don't have enough to deal with, right? It works for me.

Boy, I need to get off this philosophical/psychobabble boat I've been on

this past week!

Let's make it a GREAT day!

Teres

RE: Help with a difficult situation

Man April, doesn't it suck when things like this happen?

I have a dear friend who is in the same situation. We never really dieted

together, but we were always fat together. We'd go out and eat and eat and

eat...and eat. Now I just don't eat that way any more. I just don't.

Saturday we met at the Bite of Seattle and were going to eat together. Of

course I went for the " bite " sized (smaller portions so you could try more

foods) of red beans and rice (healthy, low fat, high carbs and fiber),

corn

on the cob no butter (lots of garlic and chili powder, though), and for

dessert I had a bowl of fresh cut fruit. I could see her watching me the

entire time. Yes, I did have one of the free samples of tortilla with

cheese

on it (and journaled it), but that was it. I could tell that what I ate

impacted what she ate, and I hate that. Not because I don't want her to

eat

healthier, but because I don't want other people to feel uncomfortable

around me. I'm not watching what they eat. I don't CARE what they eat. We

talked about getting dessert after we ate, but fortunately there wasn't

time. I had had my dessert! (Man it was awesome fruit, too.)

I realized that in many ways she just doesn't fit into my life any more.

There have always been glaring differences. I am a very positive person,

she

is negative. I like to take risks, for her a risk is listening to a new

radio station. I have always wanted to try new things, she's happy with

the

life she's carved out for herself (which has basically been to adopt,

completely, her parents' life and not really reach out from there much).

Now

that I'm into exercise and competing, something she believes she cannot

do,

we have so little in common it's kind of sad. I realized Saturday, as she

was mocking my Lance Armstrong bracelet and teasing me about running that

morning, and as we were walking back to the concert hall (a trip that took

Roy and I 15 minutes, took the three of us 40 on return because she is so

out of shape), that I don't really enjoy spending time with her. I don't

enjoy being mocked. I don't enjoy always doing the same old thing. I don't

enjoy every activity revolving around food.

This has nothing to do with how she looks or what she eats. It simply is

that I've moved into a new phase in my life and she isn't there with me.

We'll still be friends because we have been for over 30 years and Im not

going to let that go. When I needed her last year, she was there, but it's

hard to know that while we'll be friends forever...we won't be the same

KIND

of friends.

So maybe it's time to redefine your relationship with her. She might be

someone you need to distance yourself from for awhile. She might be

someone

you need to set new boundaries with. She's obviously feeling pain over her

own weight issues and unfortunately you reflect that pain back at her with

your success...but this is NOT YOUR FAULT. I always wanted to wear a big

yellow button that read, " Notice: My weight loss is not an indictment of

your weight gain. Get over it. " Because my weight loss is only about me,

as

your weight loss is only about you.

You need to be proud of your accomplishments and not feel like you must

apologize to others who aren't there yet. No, we don't need to beat people

over the head with a points finder (although man sometimes I want to say

to

, " Sweetie, you are just squandering life! " She's 39 and is on more

pills than you can imagine for lifestyle related illnesses ALREADY!). What

we should do, though, is lead by example, be PROUD of our accomplishments,

share them with our friends (I do it through email so that they don't feel

left out, but also so they don't have to listen to it...then if they bring

it up when we're together, that's great. If not I'll know it's something

they'd rather not talk about, or just don't give a rat's patootie about.

That's okay.)

Good luck with this! It's easy to say, " Well sometimes friends don't stay

friends forever " but it's hard to face that reality and realize that to be

friends or not to be friends are not the only two choices. Redefining is

probably the best one. (If that makes any sense.)

Tory

[Guest guest]

I agree, the physcological aspects of losing weight are interesting.

Tory's post sparked me to focus on other relationships in my life

that have changed, either for the better or for the worse. Very

interesting. I know my relationship with my husband has gotten even

better. We used to lay around all day, and he would complain that we

were wasting our lives. Now, we're active all the time. I can just

sense a more joyous atmosphere around our home, and I think it's

because we both feel alive now, where used to we felt depressed and

full all the time.

April

[Guest guest]

I agree, the physcological aspects of losing weight are interesting.

Tory's post sparked me to focus on other relationships in my life

that have changed, either for the better or for the worse. Very

interesting. I know my relationship with my husband has gotten even

better. We used to lay around all day, and he would complain that we

were wasting our lives. Now, we're active all the time. I can just

sense a more joyous atmosphere around our home, and I think it's

because we both feel alive now, where used to we felt depressed and

full all the time.

April

[Guest guest]

I agree, the physcological aspects of losing weight are interesting.

Tory's post sparked me to focus on other relationships in my life

that have changed, either for the better or for the worse. Very

interesting. I know my relationship with my husband has gotten even

better. We used to lay around all day, and he would complain that we

were wasting our lives. Now, we're active all the time. I can just

sense a more joyous atmosphere around our home, and I think it's

because we both feel alive now, where used to we felt depressed and

full all the time.

April

[Guest guest]

Man oh Man Lyn, aren't people just RICH?

> That is an interesting post, Tory.

>

> What was most hurtful to me was my inlaws, MIL and SILs. I

> saw them at Christmas, having lost 72 pounds, and not a

> single word was said. Like it was invisible. It really

> hurt. When I told one of the SILs (all three are skinny

> twigs and always have been) she changed the subject.

My former friend was like that. I started the 2002-2003 school year out

about 75 pounds lighter than the 2001-2002 year and she looks at me and

says, " Wow! Now you're nearly as skinny as I am! "

I was wearing a size ten.

She shared with me a week later that she had gained 30 pounds and was in a

size 16. I know different people wear their weight differently, but it was

as apparent as night and day that I was now substantially thinner than she

was (since she's taller than I am). Honestly, I might not have noticed her

weight gain if she hadn't made that catty remark. Almost as skinny as she

is...please. She's about a size 20 now.

> My sisters started badgering me about not " cheating on my

> diet " because I was doing so well. I heard over and over

> again, " Don't blow it. " That ticked me off, to put it mildly.

Fortunately this stopped, for me, after my surgeries. I think people just

weren't sure what was going on with my health. Also when I came back to work

I didn't look well. I looked too thin because I'd lost so much muscle tone.

But one of the things I was getting, and still get now, is the old " You can

eat that, you've already lost the weight. "

Um, are you not aware that you have to MAINTAIN a low calorie diet (in

relation to a former high calorie one) in order to maintain a weight loss?

Or the same former friend, would make fun of my working out. " You don't have

to torture yourself any more. You've already lost the weight. " Yeah, because

skinny people don't need to exercise. They're just automagically fit.

> All my friends were very supportive except one. She informed

> me Weight Watchers was an unhealthy fad diet and she wouldn't

> spend money on it. Instead she does some program called

> Weigh Down where she only eats half on her plate. Um, she's

> as heavy as she has ever been, then sucks down her Mt. Dews

> and can't understand why she can't lose weight. What really

> stunk is that last week she offered me some clothes that were

> size 22/24. I just stared at her dumbfounded. I started

> out in a 22/24 and I'm *not* wearing that size now. I've got

> 16s hanging in my closet now. A long shot from where I want

> to be, or where I should be if I *had* remained OP, but a far

> cry from a 22/24. That blew my mind....but I chalked it up

> to jealousy and/or ignorance?? Who knows.

Amazing...

One of my friends told me that Wwers didn't work (yeah, I'm living proof)

and that she gained weight on it. She insisted that Craig was the way

to go and she did really well on it...until she started eating on her own.

She's gained all 100 pounds she lost back. I feel SO bad for her because I

know she's frustrated and since we work together, I also know I'm a

reminder. We both lost the weight at the same time and I've kept it off. I

feel bad for her, but like your friend, it boggles me to see her coming in

with a Venti Caramel Frappucino with whipped cream and caramel on it and

then talk about being overweight. That's 530 calories and 17 grams of fat! I

understand why she drinks them...they're SO good, but I guess I don't

understand how she can have experienced weight loss, want to lose weight,

but then turn around and make such a poor choice. But I don't judge because

a year from now I might find myself in the same position. I'm sure SHE

doesn't understand why she does that either.

> I like the psychological aspect of losing weight, and this

> thread has really given me something to think about:

> relationships. I think I'll do some more thinking on that,

> because it seems pretty profound that a person's weight loss

> effects all their relationships. I see it now, just need to

> think about it a little more.

I think the psychological aspect is fascinating. It is, by far, the hardest

part to overcome. I've learned a few things that are truths for me, but I

suspect may also be for others as well:

1. I can't make headway in good health unless I feel that I am a valuable

person. Self love is the most important preparation I did for weight loss.

2. Because I love myself I must treat my body with respect.

3. Knowing that I'm doing positive things for my body and my health makes me

feel powerful and strong.

4. My success has to be my own. I can't let others stand in the way of it,

and I can't depend on others to celebrate it.

5. Feeling proud of my hard work is okay.

6. Wanting to lose weight is not an act of self hatred. I struggled with

this for years. I would think, " But if I go on a diet aren't I saying I

don't accept myself the way that I am? " This may have been just an excuse,

but it was a mindset for years. I am valuable with or without the weight,

but I am healthier without it.

7. Setting goals and meeting them has changed me as a person in 100

different ways. It isn't the weight, per se, it's the goals.

[Guest guest]

Man oh Man Lyn, aren't people just RICH?

> That is an interesting post, Tory.

>

> What was most hurtful to me was my inlaws, MIL and SILs. I

> saw them at Christmas, having lost 72 pounds, and not a

> single word was said. Like it was invisible. It really

> hurt. When I told one of the SILs (all three are skinny

> twigs and always have been) she changed the subject.

My former friend was like that. I started the 2002-2003 school year out

about 75 pounds lighter than the 2001-2002 year and she looks at me and

says, " Wow! Now you're nearly as skinny as I am! "

I was wearing a size ten.

She shared with me a week later that she had gained 30 pounds and was in a

size 16. I know different people wear their weight differently, but it was

as apparent as night and day that I was now substantially thinner than she

was (since she's taller than I am). Honestly, I might not have noticed her

weight gain if she hadn't made that catty remark. Almost as skinny as she

is...please. She's about a size 20 now.

> My sisters started badgering me about not " cheating on my

> diet " because I was doing so well. I heard over and over

> again, " Don't blow it. " That ticked me off, to put it mildly.

Fortunately this stopped, for me, after my surgeries. I think people just

weren't sure what was going on with my health. Also when I came back to work

I didn't look well. I looked too thin because I'd lost so much muscle tone.

But one of the things I was getting, and still get now, is the old " You can

eat that, you've already lost the weight. "

Um, are you not aware that you have to MAINTAIN a low calorie diet (in

relation to a former high calorie one) in order to maintain a weight loss?

Or the same former friend, would make fun of my working out. " You don't have

to torture yourself any more. You've already lost the weight. " Yeah, because

skinny people don't need to exercise. They're just automagically fit.

> All my friends were very supportive except one. She informed

> me Weight Watchers was an unhealthy fad diet and she wouldn't

> spend money on it. Instead she does some program called

> Weigh Down where she only eats half on her plate. Um, she's

> as heavy as she has ever been, then sucks down her Mt. Dews

> and can't understand why she can't lose weight. What really

> stunk is that last week she offered me some clothes that were

> size 22/24. I just stared at her dumbfounded. I started

> out in a 22/24 and I'm *not* wearing that size now. I've got

> 16s hanging in my closet now. A long shot from where I want

> to be, or where I should be if I *had* remained OP, but a far

> cry from a 22/24. That blew my mind....but I chalked it up

> to jealousy and/or ignorance?? Who knows.

Amazing...

One of my friends told me that Wwers didn't work (yeah, I'm living proof)

and that she gained weight on it. She insisted that Craig was the way

to go and she did really well on it...until she started eating on her own.

She's gained all 100 pounds she lost back. I feel SO bad for her because I

know she's frustrated and since we work together, I also know I'm a

reminder. We both lost the weight at the same time and I've kept it off. I

feel bad for her, but like your friend, it boggles me to see her coming in

with a Venti Caramel Frappucino with whipped cream and caramel on it and

then talk about being overweight. That's 530 calories and 17 grams of fat! I

understand why she drinks them...they're SO good, but I guess I don't

understand how she can have experienced weight loss, want to lose weight,

but then turn around and make such a poor choice. But I don't judge because

a year from now I might find myself in the same position. I'm sure SHE

doesn't understand why she does that either.

> I like the psychological aspect of losing weight, and this

> thread has really given me something to think about:

> relationships. I think I'll do some more thinking on that,

> because it seems pretty profound that a person's weight loss

> effects all their relationships. I see it now, just need to

> think about it a little more.

I think the psychological aspect is fascinating. It is, by far, the hardest

part to overcome. I've learned a few things that are truths for me, but I

suspect may also be for others as well:

1. I can't make headway in good health unless I feel that I am a valuable

person. Self love is the most important preparation I did for weight loss.

2. Because I love myself I must treat my body with respect.

3. Knowing that I'm doing positive things for my body and my health makes me

feel powerful and strong.

4. My success has to be my own. I can't let others stand in the way of it,

and I can't depend on others to celebrate it.

5. Feeling proud of my hard work is okay.

6. Wanting to lose weight is not an act of self hatred. I struggled with

this for years. I would think, " But if I go on a diet aren't I saying I

don't accept myself the way that I am? " This may have been just an excuse,

but it was a mindset for years. I am valuable with or without the weight,

but I am healthier without it.

7. Setting goals and meeting them has changed me as a person in 100

different ways. It isn't the weight, per se, it's the goals.

[Guest guest]

I didn't have

> Did you have a gastrectomy (removal of part of the stomach)

> with your Whipple procedure? According to what I read, the

> duodenum is removed so in fact this procedure ends up having

> things in common with a gastric bypass (in a gastric bypass

> the duodenum is bypassed and part of the stomach is either

> removed or bypassed). That may have been what your friend

> was thinking of. She may have felt that this procedure will

> make it easier to keep weight off. Have you found that to be true?

Nope, I had the pyloris sparing technique which removes the duodenum but not

part of the stomach. She didn't know those details so she wouldn't have come

to the conclusion that way.

I don't think it's made it easier to keep the weight off simply due to the

surgery. What has made it easier is the fact that I have to watch what I eat

in fat grams. I don't go too overboard. Once a month or so I share

cheesecake with my husband, but I stick to about 15% fat in my diet. However

that isn't like it's " easy " ...know what I mean? It's still required a

lifestyle change on my behalf to choose not to eat high fat foods and

replace them with low or no fat options. I can get away with higher fat for

a day (maybe up to 30%) but I can't do that for long or " Hank " lets me know

in no uncertain terms that I have abused him.

Had I lost the lower portion of my stomach it would have been similar to

gastric bypass, but even then the amount I would have had removed was much

less than a GP patient has removed. In that case the doctor told me I might

have problems maintaining above about 120. Oh that would have been HORRIBLE!

(She says sarcastically.) BUT, there are much higher incidences of

complications when they take part of your stomach so I'm glad he spared it.

My stomach thanks him too.

> I guess you are feeling ok now if you can run 8 miles!

Yup! Overall I feel like a zillion $$!

[Guest guest]

I didn't have

> Did you have a gastrectomy (removal of part of the stomach)

> with your Whipple procedure? According to what I read, the

> duodenum is removed so in fact this procedure ends up having

> things in common with a gastric bypass (in a gastric bypass

> the duodenum is bypassed and part of the stomach is either

> removed or bypassed). That may have been what your friend

> was thinking of. She may have felt that this procedure will

> make it easier to keep weight off. Have you found that to be true?

Nope, I had the pyloris sparing technique which removes the duodenum but not

part of the stomach. She didn't know those details so she wouldn't have come

to the conclusion that way.

I don't think it's made it easier to keep the weight off simply due to the

surgery. What has made it easier is the fact that I have to watch what I eat

in fat grams. I don't go too overboard. Once a month or so I share

cheesecake with my husband, but I stick to about 15% fat in my diet. However

that isn't like it's " easy " ...know what I mean? It's still required a

lifestyle change on my behalf to choose not to eat high fat foods and

replace them with low or no fat options. I can get away with higher fat for

a day (maybe up to 30%) but I can't do that for long or " Hank " lets me know

in no uncertain terms that I have abused him.

Had I lost the lower portion of my stomach it would have been similar to

gastric bypass, but even then the amount I would have had removed was much

less than a GP patient has removed. In that case the doctor told me I might

have problems maintaining above about 120. Oh that would have been HORRIBLE!

(She says sarcastically.) BUT, there are much higher incidences of

complications when they take part of your stomach so I'm glad he spared it.

My stomach thanks him too.

> I guess you are feeling ok now if you can run 8 miles!

Yup! Overall I feel like a zillion $$!

[Guest guest]

I didn't have

> Did you have a gastrectomy (removal of part of the stomach)

> with your Whipple procedure? According to what I read, the

> duodenum is removed so in fact this procedure ends up having

> things in common with a gastric bypass (in a gastric bypass

> the duodenum is bypassed and part of the stomach is either

> removed or bypassed). That may have been what your friend

> was thinking of. She may have felt that this procedure will

> make it easier to keep weight off. Have you found that to be true?

Nope, I had the pyloris sparing technique which removes the duodenum but not

part of the stomach. She didn't know those details so she wouldn't have come

to the conclusion that way.

I don't think it's made it easier to keep the weight off simply due to the

surgery. What has made it easier is the fact that I have to watch what I eat

in fat grams. I don't go too overboard. Once a month or so I share

cheesecake with my husband, but I stick to about 15% fat in my diet. However

that isn't like it's " easy " ...know what I mean? It's still required a

lifestyle change on my behalf to choose not to eat high fat foods and

replace them with low or no fat options. I can get away with higher fat for

a day (maybe up to 30%) but I can't do that for long or " Hank " lets me know

in no uncertain terms that I have abused him.

Had I lost the lower portion of my stomach it would have been similar to

gastric bypass, but even then the amount I would have had removed was much

less than a GP patient has removed. In that case the doctor told me I might

have problems maintaining above about 120. Oh that would have been HORRIBLE!

(She says sarcastically.) BUT, there are much higher incidences of

complications when they take part of your stomach so I'm glad he spared it.

My stomach thanks him too.

> I guess you are feeling ok now if you can run 8 miles!

Yup! Overall I feel like a zillion $$!

[Guest guest]

> Nope, I had the pyloris sparing technique which removes the duodenum but

not

> part of the stomach. She didn't know those details so she wouldn't have

come

> to the conclusion that way.

Those details are easily found on the web by Googling " Whipple procedure " .

So did you have the whole 18 inches of duodenum removed? Not having this 18

inches of high absorbant small bowel is considered the part of the way a

proximal gastric bypass works in the long term to keep weight off. Of

course, whether it really works that way or not remains to be seen... there

is a lot of confusion about WLS (weight loss surgery) since it is still

somewhat controversial.

Also even if you HAD HAD WLS, the remarks of your friend were inappropriate.

Many WLS patients are plagued by those around them who taunt them with " you

took the easy way out " when WLS is not easy at all. It's painful and risky

and requires a lot of after surgery compliance such as a lot of

supplementation etc. I know a lot of pretty courageous people who had WLS

but they did not take the " easy way out " and they work hard on a daily basis

even if it worked for them (and it doesn't work for some folks).

Well glad it's all behind you... you must be the Lance Armstrong of the

Weight Watchers set! (For those living in a vacuum... i.e. not glued to

the tube for the Tour de France, Lance ripped ALL his contenders apart in

the time trial today).

Sue who got up at 5 am this morning to watch the Tour De France - can we say

addictive?

RE: Help with a difficult situation

> I didn't have

> > Did you have a gastrectomy (removal of part of the stomach)

> > with your Whipple procedure? According to what I read, the

> > duodenum is removed so in fact this procedure ends up having

> > things in common with a gastric bypass (in a gastric bypass

> > the duodenum is bypassed and part of the stomach is either

> > removed or bypassed). That may have been what your friend

> > was thinking of. She may have felt that this procedure will

> > make it easier to keep weight off. Have you found that to be true?

>

> Nope, I had the pyloris sparing technique which removes the duodenum but

not

> part of the stomach. She didn't know those details so she wouldn't have

come

> to the conclusion that way.

>

> I don't think it's made it easier to keep the weight off simply due to the

> surgery. What has made it easier is the fact that I have to watch what I

eat

> in fat grams. I don't go too overboard. Once a month or so I share

> cheesecake with my husband, but I stick to about 15% fat in my diet.

However

> that isn't like it's " easy " ...know what I mean? It's still required a

> lifestyle change on my behalf to choose not to eat high fat foods and

> replace them with low or no fat options. I can get away with higher fat

for

> a day (maybe up to 30%) but I can't do that for long or " Hank " lets me

know

> in no uncertain terms that I have abused him.

>

> Had I lost the lower portion of my stomach it would have been similar to

> gastric bypass, but even then the amount I would have had removed was much

> less than a GP patient has removed. In that case the doctor told me I

might

> have problems maintaining above about 120. Oh that would have been

HORRIBLE!

> (She says sarcastically.) BUT, there are much higher incidences of

> complications when they take part of your stomach so I'm glad he spared

it.

> My stomach thanks him too.

>

> > I guess you are feeling ok now if you can run 8 miles!

>

> Yup! Overall I feel like a zillion $$!

>

>

>

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

> Nope, I had the pyloris sparing technique which removes the duodenum but

not

> part of the stomach. She didn't know those details so she wouldn't have

come

> to the conclusion that way.

Those details are easily found on the web by Googling " Whipple procedure " .

So did you have the whole 18 inches of duodenum removed? Not having this 18

inches of high absorbant small bowel is considered the part of the way a

proximal gastric bypass works in the long term to keep weight off. Of

course, whether it really works that way or not remains to be seen... there

is a lot of confusion about WLS (weight loss surgery) since it is still

somewhat controversial.

Also even if you HAD HAD WLS, the remarks of your friend were inappropriate.

Many WLS patients are plagued by those around them who taunt them with " you

took the easy way out " when WLS is not easy at all. It's painful and risky

and requires a lot of after surgery compliance such as a lot of

supplementation etc. I know a lot of pretty courageous people who had WLS

but they did not take the " easy way out " and they work hard on a daily basis

even if it worked for them (and it doesn't work for some folks).

Well glad it's all behind you... you must be the Lance Armstrong of the

Weight Watchers set! (For those living in a vacuum... i.e. not glued to

the tube for the Tour de France, Lance ripped ALL his contenders apart in

the time trial today).

Sue who got up at 5 am this morning to watch the Tour De France - can we say

addictive?

RE: Help with a difficult situation

> I didn't have

> > Did you have a gastrectomy (removal of part of the stomach)

> > with your Whipple procedure? According to what I read, the

> > duodenum is removed so in fact this procedure ends up having

> > things in common with a gastric bypass (in a gastric bypass

> > the duodenum is bypassed and part of the stomach is either

> > removed or bypassed). That may have been what your friend

> > was thinking of. She may have felt that this procedure will

> > make it easier to keep weight off. Have you found that to be true?

>

> Nope, I had the pyloris sparing technique which removes the duodenum but

not

> part of the stomach. She didn't know those details so she wouldn't have

come

> to the conclusion that way.

>

> I don't think it's made it easier to keep the weight off simply due to the

> surgery. What has made it easier is the fact that I have to watch what I

eat

> in fat grams. I don't go too overboard. Once a month or so I share

> cheesecake with my husband, but I stick to about 15% fat in my diet.

However

> that isn't like it's " easy " ...know what I mean? It's still required a

> lifestyle change on my behalf to choose not to eat high fat foods and

> replace them with low or no fat options. I can get away with higher fat

for

> a day (maybe up to 30%) but I can't do that for long or " Hank " lets me

know

> in no uncertain terms that I have abused him.

>

> Had I lost the lower portion of my stomach it would have been similar to

> gastric bypass, but even then the amount I would have had removed was much

> less than a GP patient has removed. In that case the doctor told me I

might

> have problems maintaining above about 120. Oh that would have been

HORRIBLE!

> (She says sarcastically.) BUT, there are much higher incidences of

> complications when they take part of your stomach so I'm glad he spared

it.

> My stomach thanks him too.

>

> > I guess you are feeling ok now if you can run 8 miles!

>

> Yup! Overall I feel like a zillion $$!

>

>

>

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

> Nope, I had the pyloris sparing technique which removes the duodenum but

not

> part of the stomach. She didn't know those details so she wouldn't have

come

> to the conclusion that way.

Those details are easily found on the web by Googling " Whipple procedure " .

So did you have the whole 18 inches of duodenum removed? Not having this 18

inches of high absorbant small bowel is considered the part of the way a

proximal gastric bypass works in the long term to keep weight off. Of

course, whether it really works that way or not remains to be seen... there

is a lot of confusion about WLS (weight loss surgery) since it is still

somewhat controversial.

Also even if you HAD HAD WLS, the remarks of your friend were inappropriate.

Many WLS patients are plagued by those around them who taunt them with " you

took the easy way out " when WLS is not easy at all. It's painful and risky

and requires a lot of after surgery compliance such as a lot of

supplementation etc. I know a lot of pretty courageous people who had WLS

but they did not take the " easy way out " and they work hard on a daily basis

even if it worked for them (and it doesn't work for some folks).

Well glad it's all behind you... you must be the Lance Armstrong of the

Weight Watchers set! (For those living in a vacuum... i.e. not glued to

the tube for the Tour de France, Lance ripped ALL his contenders apart in

the time trial today).

Sue who got up at 5 am this morning to watch the Tour De France - can we say

addictive?

RE: Help with a difficult situation

> I didn't have

> > Did you have a gastrectomy (removal of part of the stomach)

> > with your Whipple procedure? According to what I read, the

> > duodenum is removed so in fact this procedure ends up having

> > things in common with a gastric bypass (in a gastric bypass

> > the duodenum is bypassed and part of the stomach is either

> > removed or bypassed). That may have been what your friend

> > was thinking of. She may have felt that this procedure will

> > make it easier to keep weight off. Have you found that to be true?

>

> Nope, I had the pyloris sparing technique which removes the duodenum but

not

> part of the stomach. She didn't know those details so she wouldn't have

come

> to the conclusion that way.

>

> I don't think it's made it easier to keep the weight off simply due to the

> surgery. What has made it easier is the fact that I have to watch what I

eat

> in fat grams. I don't go too overboard. Once a month or so I share

> cheesecake with my husband, but I stick to about 15% fat in my diet.

However

> that isn't like it's " easy " ...know what I mean? It's still required a

> lifestyle change on my behalf to choose not to eat high fat foods and

> replace them with low or no fat options. I can get away with higher fat

for

> a day (maybe up to 30%) but I can't do that for long or " Hank " lets me

know

> in no uncertain terms that I have abused him.

>

> Had I lost the lower portion of my stomach it would have been similar to

> gastric bypass, but even then the amount I would have had removed was much

> less than a GP patient has removed. In that case the doctor told me I

might

> have problems maintaining above about 120. Oh that would have been

HORRIBLE!

> (She says sarcastically.) BUT, there are much higher incidences of

> complications when they take part of your stomach so I'm glad he spared

it.

> My stomach thanks him too.

>

> > I guess you are feeling ok now if you can run 8 miles!

>

> Yup! Overall I feel like a zillion $$!

>

>

>

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

> Sue who got up at 5 am this morning to watch the Tour De France -

can we say

> addictive?

>

I tape it every day. I watch it live while I'm getting ready for

work, but I only get to see about an hour and a half. I watch the

rest of what I missed at lunch.

April

[Guest guest]

> Sue who got up at 5 am this morning to watch the Tour De France -

can we say

> addictive?

>

I tape it every day. I watch it live while I'm getting ready for

work, but I only get to see about an hour and a half. I watch the

rest of what I missed at lunch.

April