Re: Counselling

[Guest guest]

> What do you all think? I haven't had an experience with counselling,

> so not quite sure what advice to give. How do you know if you are

> getting the right one - ie one that can help bring you forward rather

> than backwards?

Karina

my stepmum is a Relate counsellor - and has had lots of experience in other

types of counselling too. Would you like me to forward your post to her and

ask her opinion? She has always said she would be happy to help anyone who

would like to chat to her from this list - I have talked about this group a

lot with her (never giving names or exact details of course). Do contact me

off list if you like.

caroline

[Guest guest]

My troublesome son (25 this August) has been in counselling for about

4-5 yrs, I forget. He has become very dependent on this woman, whom I

hate, because not only do I think she isn't helping him at all, (he

seems worse than ever and more bitter and angry and screwed up... We

are paying her a fortune for this, and she refuses to discuss him with

us ...well maybe understandable), but she also has encouraged his wish

to refuse us access to her, either on our own, or with him in a joint

session, so that we can put our side. So he can put any spin he wants

on what terrible parents we are, without us having any comeback or

voice, and we pay and pay and pay. (

Ruthie

[Guest guest]

If you are paying you have every right to demand that you get something out

of it - or change counsellors. She sounds hopeless - you really need to get

your point put across too. Is there an ombudsman or someone senior to her

that you can consult?

Caroline

> So he can put any spin he wants

> on what terrible parents we are, without us having any comeback or

> voice, and we pay and pay and pay. (

>

> Ruthie

[Guest guest]

Of course *we* have the right to change counsellors...the problem is

that *he* thinks she is wonderful, and the only person keeping him

from falling apart, etc etc. and wouldn't ever hear a word against

her. Which is probably why he doesn't want us anywhere near her. (

Ruthie

> If you are paying you have every right to demand that you get

something out

> of it - or change counsellors. She sounds hopeless - you really need

to get

> your point put across too. Is there an ombudsman or someone senior

to her

> that you can consult?

> Caroline

>

> > So he can put any spin he wants

> > on what terrible parents we are, without us having any comeback or

> > voice, and we pay and pay and pay. (

> >

> > Ruthie

[Guest guest]

Ruthie,

I am obviously being very dense here, but why are you paying her??

Mc

SAHM 6, Olivia 3, 2, 1

[Guest guest]

> Ruthie,

>

> I am obviously being very dense here, but why are you paying her??

> Mc

> SAHM 6, Olivia 3, 2, 1

Because despite everything, he's our son. We don't want to give him

yet another stick to beat us with..ie that we have refused him the

only counsellor he trusts and thinks is helping him. You have to be

in the situation to understand it, really. Anyway it's not strictly

speaking us paying her..we are using the " nest egg " fund we put aside

for him, anyway, and he knows it, and still wants to go to her.

Ruthie

[Guest guest]

>My troublesome son (25 this August) has been in counselling for about

>4-5 yrs, I forget. He has become very dependent on this woman, whom I

>hate, because not only do I think she isn't helping him at all, (he

>seems worse than ever and more bitter and angry and screwed up... We

>are paying her a fortune for this, and she refuses to discuss him with

>us ...well maybe understandable), but she also has encouraged his wish

>to refuse us access to her, either on our own, or with him in a joint

>session, so that we can put our side. So he can put any spin he wants

>on what terrible parents we are, without us having any comeback or

>voice, and we pay and pay and pay. (

>

>Ruthie

So don't pay for it any more - that is a long time to be having

*counselling* whoever is paying - not an immediate cut off but a time

limit in the not too distant future (say 6 weeks if he is having

weekly appointments and he's been going that long). You may find you

get on better - if he is housed and counselled (and maybe other

things too) at your expense that's a lot of dependency and that can

hurt, even though it is done with the best of intentions - and when

he appears to hate you.

Has she offered to refer you to someone about *your* difficulties

with your son? As I understand it is would be considered

unprofessional for her to enter into a counselling relationship with

you separately to him. He is her client so her responsibility is to

him - but she also has a responsibility not to be taking your money

or his money and just having cosy chats or failing to make progress.

It doesn't really matter what spin he puts on the situation to her -

if she just takes all he says at face value she's not much good.

Counselling shouldn't be about who is the bad guy but about

clarifying what the client feels about the situation and then what

they are going to do to resolve it/feel better about it (at least

that's how I understand it - it would be like a BFC spending all her

time with someone going over what bad advice and information they got

in hospital without helping them sort out breastfeeding in the here

and now, or coming to terms with having decided to stop).

It really sounds as if this is a situation where you could do to

contact the British Association of Counselling (based in Rugby IIRC)

or whichever professional body she is with to see what they think -

maybe just informing her of this will produce some results :-) If

you are paying out money that you resent on behalf of someone who

resents you and this situation isn't resolving itself into either him

becoming reconciled or being more independent (ie following through

on his feelings about you as parents), this doesn't seem a tenable

situation.

It sounds so sad and you obviously love him very much.

--

jennifer@...

Vaudin

[Guest guest]

So he can put any spin he wants

> on what terrible parents we are, without us having any comeback or

> voice, and we pay and pay and pay. (

This IS my older sister, Ruthie, although she is 40 and should know

better - I don't know why it happens. She had a few life crises

(unrelated to my parents), needed someone to blame, and then spent

years getting increasingly unpleasant and opportunistic towards them

(a la " they were so horrible to me as a child so of course they should

be paying for my flat, look after my kids for the weekend " etc).

Ultimately she cut off all contact with them and has not spoken to

them for 2 1/2 years, although about a year ago she let them see their

grandchildren again (the cynics amongst us think it's because she

needs the child care).

As far as I am concerned we 4 children had a happy childhood (with ups

and downs), and although I realise that it wasn't perfect it's very

scary when someone rewrites history completely. I have the same

feeling about her " counsellors " , and am sure that the picture my

sister has given of her family, siblings and upbringing is one I would

not recognise. I feel that my sister is getting increasingly caught up

in this new reality, with noone questioning what she says (she has cut

off contact with anyone who does not agree, including us siblings).

At the moment we have given up - I feel that if she can be happy in

her own way that's OK, although it's been a very painful process to

get to this stage, and my parents will be unhappy until their dying

day. I do worry though that she has built a life on a lie, and that

when there is noone left to blame her life may crumble again.

Hence also the reason why my little sister is scared of counsellors -

she is unhappy too; but does not want to be caught up in a blaming

trap like my older sister. (In fact much of the reason why she is

unhappy is caused by the older one, as she is very much younger and

was very little when she started being caught up in all the conflict).

Karina

Mum to Emilia (2 1/2) and Sebastian (7 months)

[Guest guest]

I guess I *knew* we weren't the only ones...although I had hoped maybe

by 40 he would have grown out of it...

Ruthie

> This IS my older sister, Ruthie, although she is 40 and should know

> better - I don't know why it happens. She had a few life crises

> (unrelated to my parents), needed someone to blame, and then spent

> years getting increasingly unpleasant and opportunistic towards them

> (a la " they were so horrible to me as a child so of course they

should

> be paying for my flat, look after my kids for the weekend " etc).

>

> Ultimately she cut off all contact with them and has not spoken to

> them for 2 1/2 years, although about a year ago she let them see

their

> grandchildren again (the cynics amongst us think it's because she

> needs the child care).

>

> As far as I am concerned we 4 children had a happy childhood (with

ups

> and downs), and although I realise that it wasn't perfect it's very

> scary when someone rewrites history completely. I have the same

> feeling about her " counsellors " , and am sure that the picture my

> sister has given of her family, siblings and upbringing is one I

would

> not recognise. I feel that my sister is getting increasingly caught

up

> in this new reality, with noone questioning what she says (she has

cut

> off contact with anyone who does not agree, including us siblings).

>

> At the moment we have given up - I feel that if she can be happy in

> her own way that's OK, although it's been a very painful process to

> get to this stage, and my parents will be unhappy until their dying

> day. I do worry though that she has built a life on a lie, and that

> when there is noone left to blame her life may crumble again.

>

> Hence also the reason why my little sister is scared of counsellors

-

> she is unhappy too; but does not want to be caught up in a blaming

> trap like my older sister. (In fact much of the reason why she is

> unhappy is caused by the older one, as she is very much younger and

> was very little when she started being caught up in all the

conflict).

>

> Karina

> Mum to Emilia (2 1/2) and Sebastian (7 months)

[Guest guest]

Hi Ruthie

It does sound as though you're caught between a rock and a hard place - I am

sorry, it must be so distressing for you.

Could you play him at his own game in some way? It does seem that, no

matter what he thinks of her, his counsellor is not helping him to move on,

and therefore not achieving her aims. Perhaps you could manipulate the

situation a bit and suggest that, since his problems are obviously of your

making you think perhaps it might be time to look at some kind of family

therapy rather than individual counselling - that way (you tell him) it

might be possible both to solve his problems and ensure that you don't

repeat the same mistakes with your younger son/grandchildren?

It seems you have so many happy, well-adjusted children that the problems

are more his than yours I would think, but would this approach help to wean

him off the unhelpful counsellor?

Vicki

Re: Counselling

>

> I guess I *knew* we weren't the only ones...although I had hoped maybe

> by 40 he would have grown out of it...

>

> Ruthie

>

> > This IS my older sister, Ruthie, although she is 40 and should know

> > better - I don't know why it happens. She had a few life crises

> > (unrelated to my parents), needed someone to blame, and then spent

> > years getting increasingly unpleasant and opportunistic towards them

> > (a la " they were so horrible to me as a child so of course they

> should

> > be paying for my flat, look after my kids for the weekend " etc).

> >

> > Ultimately she cut off all contact with them and has not spoken to

> > them for 2 1/2 years, although about a year ago she let them see

> their

> > grandchildren again (the cynics amongst us think it's because she

> > needs the child care).

> >

> > As far as I am concerned we 4 children had a happy childhood (with

> ups

> > and downs), and although I realise that it wasn't perfect it's very

> > scary when someone rewrites history completely. I have the same

> > feeling about her " counsellors " , and am sure that the picture my

> > sister has given of her family, siblings and upbringing is one I

> would

> > not recognise. I feel that my sister is getting increasingly caught

> up

> > in this new reality, with noone questioning what she says (she has

> cut

> > off contact with anyone who does not agree, including us siblings).

> >

> > At the moment we have given up - I feel that if she can be happy in

> > her own way that's OK, although it's been a very painful process to

> > get to this stage, and my parents will be unhappy until their dying

> > day. I do worry though that she has built a life on a lie, and that

> > when there is noone left to blame her life may crumble again.

> >

> > Hence also the reason why my little sister is scared of counsellors

> -

> > she is unhappy too; but does not want to be caught up in a blaming

> > trap like my older sister. (In fact much of the reason why she is

> > unhappy is caused by the older one, as she is very much younger and

> > was very little when she started being caught up in all the

> conflict).

> >

> > Karina

> > Mum to Emilia (2 1/2) and Sebastian (7 months)

>

>

>

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