Re: Inlaw Rant

November 11, 2005

<snip>

> Does anyone else has parents/inlaws that don't believe them about health

> situations without seeing the test results themselves?

>

In a word, yes.

My husband's parents just don't understand Hadley's hearing loss. They

oscillate between thinking it's no big deal and the biggest calamity to happen

in the world. But, these are people with whom we have always had issues and we

have limited contact with them (and share limited information with them). My

parents (and extended family) are polar opposites and have been everything and

anything to us. For us, it all comes down to personality; my inlaws were crazy

long before Hadley entered the world and will remain so no matter what...

Kerry

-------------- Original message --------------

> My kids (including my 2 HOH sons, one severe, one moderate to severe) were

> visiting their grandparents, my inlaws. While there, my inlaws invited their

> neighbor over for dinner. They told him my older son would be deaf by the time

> he's 20.

>

> We have no reason to believe this is true. His hearing loss appears

> progressive, but we think it's because the results went lower as the testing

> more accurately reflected his hearing. (Long story, bad audiologists.) His

> hearing has been stable for several years.

>

> I discussed this situation with our son, saying that no one knows what his

> hearing will be when he's 20, but that the audiologist would probably be a

> better judge than grandpa. We talked a little about how he felt about the

> possibility, since we can't rule it out. We assured him that we would deal

with

> it, and that it wouldn't change how much we love him. We also talked about how

> he felt about grandpa telling someone this.

>

> If our son were more upset about this we'd be peeved, but he doesn't seem too

> upset by it. We intend to ask them about it, but we're not planning a coup.

>

November 12, 2005

Like Kerry my answer is an unequivocal yes. Except it's not the in-laws for

me, it's my own family. My mother enjoys the drama attached to Ian's hearing

loss and plays it up with her friends. Her concern is more like a fact finding

mission. She consumes the details and plays them out for her friends with

her in the middle of the drama. But there is no support and unless she's

playing at the drama, little interest in my kids.

My sister is similar and has assumptions about hearing loss and intellectual

ability. They like Ian, in fact they both blatantly prefer him to our

daughter. But like Kerry, these people had issues before we had kids. Nothing

really has changed except that now we don't make ourselves see them very often.

I

can put up with a lot of BS from family, but when it adversely affects my

kids, it becomes a different game.

My in-laws -- my husband's family has its own looniness, but it's unrelated

to our kids and they have always been very supportive. It took a while for the

grandparents to accept Ian's hearing loss, and they still tend to think it

is not " as bad " as I say. Moth of the family sees Ian's hearing loss as a very

minor thing, which is good and we don't try to change that perception. The

grandparents were very much in denial for a while, but there was never a

question of them adoring or supporting our Ian. After a while they realized

that

Ian is happy and doing well in school, that he's the same kid he's always

been, so they are now more accepting of his hearing loss and more able to

discuss it.

Unlike your son, Ian's loss is progressive and there is a good chance he'll

be profoundly deaf by the time he's an adult. But there is also the chance

that his loss could plateau and remain stable for the rest of his life. No one

can predict what is coming.

We've talked about all the hearing stuff openly and honestly with Ian since

we found out about his hearing loss. He was almost 8 at the time. There have

been times when he's been very sad. There have been times when his hearing

did a sudden drop and he is a bit sullen or depressed for a short while. But all

that is normal.

Since we're honest with Ian about his hearing loss, we've also been honest

about people's different reaction to him and it. He accepts my mother for who

she is and honestly doesn't expect much from her. He loves my sister and

understands that she has some odd concepts of what " smart " can be. He's learned

to take them in stride, and he also knows that he doesn't have to deal with

them all that often which probably makes it easier on him.

My mantra when dealing with them is " deep breathe before speaking. " I use

to argue to try to educate them, but have found it to be a waste of time. We

also tend to leave once I've had my fill of smiling and saying nothing.

Best -- Jill

November 12, 2005

Like Kerry my answer is an unequivocal yes. Except it's not the in-laws for

me, it's my own family. My mother enjoys the drama attached to Ian's hearing

loss and plays it up with her friends. Her concern is more like a fact finding

mission. She consumes the details and plays them out for her friends with

her in the middle of the drama. But there is no support and unless she's

playing at the drama, little interest in my kids.

My sister is similar and has assumptions about hearing loss and intellectual

ability. They like Ian, in fact they both blatantly prefer him to our

daughter. But like Kerry, these people had issues before we had kids. Nothing

really has changed except that now we don't make ourselves see them very often.

I

can put up with a lot of BS from family, but when it adversely affects my

kids, it becomes a different game.

My in-laws -- my husband's family has its own looniness, but it's unrelated

to our kids and they have always been very supportive. It took a while for the

grandparents to accept Ian's hearing loss, and they still tend to think it

is not " as bad " as I say. Moth of the family sees Ian's hearing loss as a very

minor thing, which is good and we don't try to change that perception. The

grandparents were very much in denial for a while, but there was never a

question of them adoring or supporting our Ian. After a while they realized

that

Ian is happy and doing well in school, that he's the same kid he's always

been, so they are now more accepting of his hearing loss and more able to

discuss it.

Unlike your son, Ian's loss is progressive and there is a good chance he'll

be profoundly deaf by the time he's an adult. But there is also the chance

that his loss could plateau and remain stable for the rest of his life. No one

can predict what is coming.

We've talked about all the hearing stuff openly and honestly with Ian since

we found out about his hearing loss. He was almost 8 at the time. There have

been times when he's been very sad. There have been times when his hearing

did a sudden drop and he is a bit sullen or depressed for a short while. But all

that is normal.

Since we're honest with Ian about his hearing loss, we've also been honest

about people's different reaction to him and it. He accepts my mother for who

she is and honestly doesn't expect much from her. He loves my sister and

understands that she has some odd concepts of what " smart " can be. He's learned

to take them in stride, and he also knows that he doesn't have to deal with

them all that often which probably makes it easier on him.

My mantra when dealing with them is " deep breathe before speaking. " I use

to argue to try to educate them, but have found it to be a waste of time. We

also tend to leave once I've had my fill of smiling and saying nothing.

Best -- Jill

November 12, 2005

Like Kerry my answer is an unequivocal yes. Except it's not the in-laws for

me, it's my own family. My mother enjoys the drama attached to Ian's hearing

loss and plays it up with her friends. Her concern is more like a fact finding

mission. She consumes the details and plays them out for her friends with

her in the middle of the drama. But there is no support and unless she's

playing at the drama, little interest in my kids.

My sister is similar and has assumptions about hearing loss and intellectual

ability. They like Ian, in fact they both blatantly prefer him to our

daughter. But like Kerry, these people had issues before we had kids. Nothing

really has changed except that now we don't make ourselves see them very often.

I

can put up with a lot of BS from family, but when it adversely affects my

kids, it becomes a different game.

My in-laws -- my husband's family has its own looniness, but it's unrelated

to our kids and they have always been very supportive. It took a while for the

grandparents to accept Ian's hearing loss, and they still tend to think it

is not " as bad " as I say. Moth of the family sees Ian's hearing loss as a very

minor thing, which is good and we don't try to change that perception. The

grandparents were very much in denial for a while, but there was never a

question of them adoring or supporting our Ian. After a while they realized

that

Ian is happy and doing well in school, that he's the same kid he's always

been, so they are now more accepting of his hearing loss and more able to

discuss it.

Unlike your son, Ian's loss is progressive and there is a good chance he'll

be profoundly deaf by the time he's an adult. But there is also the chance

that his loss could plateau and remain stable for the rest of his life. No one

can predict what is coming.

We've talked about all the hearing stuff openly and honestly with Ian since

we found out about his hearing loss. He was almost 8 at the time. There have

been times when he's been very sad. There have been times when his hearing

did a sudden drop and he is a bit sullen or depressed for a short while. But all

that is normal.

Since we're honest with Ian about his hearing loss, we've also been honest

about people's different reaction to him and it. He accepts my mother for who

she is and honestly doesn't expect much from her. He loves my sister and

understands that she has some odd concepts of what " smart " can be. He's learned

to take them in stride, and he also knows that he doesn't have to deal with

them all that often which probably makes it easier on him.

My mantra when dealing with them is " deep breathe before speaking. " I use

to argue to try to educate them, but have found it to be a waste of time. We

also tend to leave once I've had my fill of smiling and saying nothing.

Best -- Jill

November 12, 2005

Jill, your last sentence, made me smile! How many of us have been in similar

situations with family? (My personal family drama is my mother LOVES to drone

on about triplets and infertility...eye roll here.) It's just easier sometimes

to smile...

Edith Tarter

mom to Lidy, Mimi and Owen (2.5 yr)

" We

also tend to leave once I've had my fill of smiling and saying nothing. "

Re: Inlaw Rant

Like Kerry my answer is an unequivocal yes. Except it's not the in-laws for

me, it's my own family. My mother enjoys the drama attached to Ian's hearing

loss and plays it up with her friends. Her concern is more like a fact finding

mission. She consumes the details and plays them out for her friends with

her in the middle of the drama. But there is no support and unless she's

playing at the drama, little interest in my kids.

My sister is similar and has assumptions about hearing loss and intellectual

ability. They like Ian, in fact they both blatantly prefer him to our

daughter. But like Kerry, these people had issues before we had kids. Nothing

really has changed except that now we don't make ourselves see them very

often. I

can put up with a lot of BS from family, but when it adversely affects my

kids, it becomes a different game.

My in-laws -- my husband's family has its own looniness, but it's unrelated

to our kids and they have always been very supportive. It took a while for the

grandparents to accept Ian's hearing loss, and they still tend to think it

is not " as bad " as I say. Moth of the family sees Ian's hearing loss as a

very

minor thing, which is good and we don't try to change that perception. The

grandparents were very much in denial for a while, but there was never a

question of them adoring or supporting our Ian. After a while they realized

that

Ian is happy and doing well in school, that he's the same kid he's always

been, so they are now more accepting of his hearing loss and more able to

discuss it.

Unlike your son, Ian's loss is progressive and there is a good chance he'll

be profoundly deaf by the time he's an adult. But there is also the chance

that his loss could plateau and remain stable for the rest of his life. No

one

can predict what is coming.

We've talked about all the hearing stuff openly and honestly with Ian since

we found out about his hearing loss. He was almost 8 at the time. There have

been times when he's been very sad. There have been times when his hearing

did a sudden drop and he is a bit sullen or depressed for a short while. But

all

that is normal.

Since we're honest with Ian about his hearing loss, we've also been honest

about people's different reaction to him and it. He accepts my mother for who

she is and honestly doesn't expect much from her. He loves my sister and

understands that she has some odd concepts of what " smart " can be. He's

learned

to take them in stride, and he also knows that he doesn't have to deal with

them all that often which probably makes it easier on him.

My mantra when dealing with them is " deep breathe before speaking. " I use

to argue to try to educate them, but have found it to be a waste of time. We

also tend to leave once I've had my fill of smiling and saying nothing.

Best -- Jill

November 14, 2005

In a message dated 11/13/2005 5:16:51 A.M. Eastern Standard Time,

soccrnurz1@... writes:

THe best was 2 weeks ago when my daughters slept over there. My 17 year old

reported to me the next day how " stupid " they were. That went to bed

and initially had a hard time falling asleep so was up and down a little (no

equipment on). She said that my parents were yelling at her to go to bed, and

she finally had to tell them - she is deaf and can't hear you.

Give her a little time and encouragement and she'll start doing what our Ian

does ... looking at the person who has resorted to yelling and saying: Do

you really think that I can hear you? Don't you remember that I'm deaf ... just

tap me on the shoulder. And he gives such a patient smile as he says it

that there's no mistaking that it's his version of the Iowa church lady or the

southern " bless your heart. " LOL

Best -- Jill

November 14, 2005

P wrote:

<<Does anyone else has parents/inlaws that don't believe them about health

situations without seeing the test results themselves? >>

I'm pretty sure I've ranted about my in-laws before so my answer is a resounding

yes! They don't believe Emmett has life-threatening food allergies or asthma.

You see, I've made those things up because with my second child I don't have

enough to do, apparently.

The hearing loss is a bizarre issue with my in-laws. They don't talk abou it at

all. To be honest, I'm just as happy. In the beginning they were convinced the

results were wrong because Emmett speaks so well. But now that he's wearing a

hearing aid they do not talk about it at all. I think it might be their way of

dealing with it. He's their only grandson (and only chance of one ... he and his

sister are the only grandchildren) and I believe they don't want to accept that

he is hard of hearing ... that would make him less than perfect. That really

ticks me off but I ignore it because it's better than talking to them about it.

They live in N.C. We can all ignore each other very nicely with 1,000 miles

between us!

When talking to my husband, they refer to me as his wife, as if they can't

remember my name. I'm the only daughter-in-law to host Thanksgiving at our house

for his family and put up with their horrible behavior. I do that for the sake

of my children, who absolutely adore their grandparents. If it weren't for my

kids, I'd have nothing to do with them. Neither would my husband.

There. My in-law rant!

johanna

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November 14, 2005