Where I am now...LONG

[Guest guest]

Wow... here I am, 20 months post-op and there have been so many

changes.

I had no idea what the subject line should have been, because there

are so many to choose from.

" Call me Ms. Sparks " could have been one. I am separated from my

husband and no longer wish to be identified by his last name. At

this point, the only man I wish to be identified with is my father.

" Toxic Love " could have been another. How things can change after

the weight is gone.

There are others, but anyway... let's move on.

I had my DS in July 1999. I was fat and miserable. I had some

problems but nothing major. Thing was, I didnt want to become my

parents with all their health problems. I needed to do something...

and I did.

With the weight loss, there were some changes and some things

remained to same. I started feeling good with every pound that was

shed. My marriage was at a standstill. My husband still wouldnt

make love to me as a general rule. We did it when HE wanted to...

never when I wanted to. He was affectionate and content with things

the way they were with us sleeping on the sofas and having a sexless

marriage.

I have always travelled a lot and last November, I decided to visit

my family here in the US (Ihad been living in Germany). I made my

rounds to see my father, sister and mother. While I was in Kentucky,

the weather was warm and beautiful and then suddenly it turned very

cold. The weather was much like my head... as the gray and cold

creeped in the skies of Kentucky, likewise, it creeped into me. I

found myself very depressed. I continued on the Texas to see my

mother and it was cold there too. This feeling was horrible. I

decided I needed some fun and sun so I took a trip to Florida. I

had found a place where those inner clouds lifted.

I knew I had to go back sometime and resolved myself to that fact. I

met up with my husband at my mother's house in Texas and was telling

him about the wonderful sunshine and all the great fishing there and

how much I would love to go back. I was changing.

When hearing about my trip, my husband started changing too. He was

mad. He was jealous. He told me that I could never go back there.

Unbelievable.

He became someone I didnt know. Spousal rape was the first thing I

encountered. I tried to make excuses, thinking he just missed me a

little too much. Yeah... what a dumbass.

My depression came back like a locomotive. I had to get out. I had

to get away. I got away, all right. Right back to Germany. He

changed our plane tickets to depart a week early to isolate me, once

again. Warning bells went off... big time. Isolation is a big thing

when someone wants to control you.

We were planning a relocation to the US with his job....to Detroit.

Before we returned to Germany, we bought a house in Detroit. A nice

house. I should have been happy, but I wasnt. This depression and

this toxic relationship was beginning to take its toll.

Back in Germany, this person I was married to changed even more...

telling me to 'snap out of it'. I wanted to see a doctor for my

depression, but he said 'no'. He yelled at me all the time and kept

me awake for days on end. While he took cat naps, that was the only

time I could call my family or email them without him looking over my

shoulder. Hell, I couldnt even take a shit by myself. The door

always opened and there he was. Katy bar the door if I had locked it.

I was planning to go to Spain and have my tummy tuck and breast lift

but was in no way, mentally prepared to do this. In addition, I had

trust issues with him. I couldnt allow myself to be that vulnerable

at the hands of someone who was slowing driving me insane.

I wanted my niece to come to Detroit to help me set up house. This

is when the big bombshell hit. No family was allowed at the house.

I asked if this meant my daughter as well, and the reply was 'you

have to ask permission for her to come'. Well, fuck that. I had to

get out.

I went back to Florida and stayed with a friend. I had $250 to my

name and was told I had to buy a cell phone so he could call me.

Needless to say, my money dwindled. He asked me if I had money. I

said no. He said 'good, if I starve you long enough, you'll come

back.' How about them apples?

Well, our household goods were en route to Detroit. I was told that

they would arrive on Feb 12th. I went to Detroit on Feb 9th. It was

a lie. I lived in that house with only a mattress until Feb 24th. I

was yelled at, repeatedly berated and sexually molested during that

time. HE EVEN CALLED ME FAT!!! YOU ARE SOOOOOOOOOO FAT!!! I had no

money or credit cards. He took everything from me. I knew I had to

leave to keep my sanity. I was under duress and was forced to sign

papers, giving up all claims to anything in order to get enough money

to rent a truck to get my things out and leave... and leave I did. A

notary who 'notarized' the quit-claim deed to the house, never even

laid eyes on me. She signed the document before I did and so did the

witness. No one was in the room when I signed and no one checked my

ID.

Anyway.. I am in the process of getting a doctor. I have an

appointment set up for next week and hope to get referred out to

someone who can help me with my depression.

My weight is still good and I am starting to eat like a horse again,

lol. I am back in Florida and doing ok. I still have to call him

once a week, in order to maintain my health insurance. The gray

cloud comes over me when I have to call and stays there for a while

after the call, but I suppose I will survive.

I dont know if he reads this list or not...but if he does, I am sure

I will hear about it. I cant say everything I want to say, but there

will be a day that I can and will.

I guess I knew deep down that I had been isolated all along, but

settled for what I thought was ok. Well, it wasnt ok... I was just

too blind to see or chose to ignore it all. I lost something besides

the weight in this process. I lost me.

Hoping for better days...

I have missed you all so very much and I am here for you, just not as

vocal as I used to be. Hopefully that will change.

Much love, Kris (Sparks)